im a guy, in my young 20s. marriage isn’t something im really on atm but iA I will deffo entertain in a couple years. just to have an idea or something to compare myself to, what is the ideal/perfect husband/man in the eyes of a somali muslim female? what responsibilities do you expect me to meet?
also i try to stick to the rules of islam to the best of my ability so i stay away from girls in the relationship sense etc but whats the most ideal way of finding a girl that not only will please God but i wont be embarrassed to say to my kids when they start looking? from what ive seen somali people do is linkup via insta/snap, do a few dates and whatever happens, happens. from what ive been taught dating is haraam and i get why, but i aint trying to marry a stranger so how can man do his due diligence loool?
Being Kind.That is what even attracts me to someone in the first place. If I know you are genuinely a kind person, regardless of who is talking to you, I know you are going to be kind to me. Can’t trust those ‘he is only nice to me’ kinda guys
Having Honour. Being really genuine and sincere in how you conduct yourself. Being trustworthy, protecting my honour as much as you protect yours. Never mention your women to your friends etc. Always always have your boundaries.
Being Articulate: Like are you capable of honest direct and constructive communication? When someone tell you how they feel are you just going to say well “rah thats mad still”.
Stability: Are you financially stable and secure? You shouldn’t have bad debt or bad credit, because its irresponsible and doesn’t ever come off well to the person you’re dating.
Effort: Someone who is able and willing to maintain mutual attraction and compatibility. Always going above and beyonce to always remance me, show your best self to me, on the exceptions of obviously when you’re down and not feeling so good. But yeah just make an effort when go to see her etc. Wear your best garms.
Being a team player. Someone who is able to approach any relationship and it’s ups and downs as a team. You should never want the relationship to degrade to a point where you’re nasty to each other, and one is fighting for it more than the other.
If you want to do things the islamic way, ask someone to set you up. So it avoids you having to approach women etc. But it does put pressure on you and makes you feel like you have to make things work with the first person you’re get set up with.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi ladies!
I met this guy online and we’ve been speaking for about three months. I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want to mess about and looking for marriage to make sure we’re on the same page. We meet up at least once a week and he always pays for me but I feel bad so I do offer here and there. I feel like we’re both struggling to fully open up emotionally and in denial with our feelings. I can tell he’s scared to be vulnerable with me but I just don’t know if he’s really falling for me or is it just in my head.
You guys are not seeing each other enough for to relationship to progress. You know when you are around someone longer for instance, it’s easier for you to be your true self around them because you are with each other most days. Whilst I understand every is usually busy mon-fri. Sometimes you don’t have to go on an extra date a week, little car dates will suffice.
When you are together more often, it will be easier for him to be vulnerable with you. And if you want to really show him that he can do that, be vulnerable with him FIRST. Share your personal secrets, show him that you actually trust him seeing this side of you. Men will never been vulnerable first, they don’t want to show that to women. But it takes time.
Anon
3 years ago
When getting to know someone in the beginning, what’s a reasonable time to expect a text back within?
Sometimes people like to play games, which is annoying, because if you like me and I like you, whats the problem? Sometime’s guys like to take a few hours long to first message you after getting your number. They don’t like to feel like they’re coming on too strong, but I realise this is an age thing too. Older men waste no time LMAO, as soon as they get your number- they’re giving you details to the date he’s planned for you.
Anything after a few days, or taking long to reply to you in general, I would just be under the assumption he doesn’t like me and/or he is saving me for the event if something goes wrong with option NO.1.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girls! I’m married but for some reason my heart is so torn. I rushed into marriage without courting or getting courted. We basically didn’t even date. He’s a great guy, supportive, we never argue and he’s just deep down a good person. But our relationship has a proper roommate vibe. He even said to me recently that he feels like he’s hanging with his sister and tbh I expressed I feel the same. Living with him made me realise I’m not attracted to him and the type of man he is. Most of the time im figuring things out or telling him how to do things and really I’ve always wanted someone who leads. We rarely have conversations where we’re on the same level and we just pass each other from work to home on a daily basis. I’m not feminine at all around him because I just can’t seem to click into that version of myself with him, and to be honest I don’t enjoy intimacy with him. But the relationship is stable in the sense that we treat each other as best as we can. It feels as though we are both unfulfilled and I don’t think I can see a long term future with him. However does that justify ending a good Islamic marriage that is still sort of fresh. I felt like this early on, many months later and I feel the same.
I had a similar dilemma like this on my old cc, and luckily I saved most of it. So i’ll copy it down below.
‘Marriage for anyone is very overwhelming for anyone. You did it the halal way for the sake of Allah swt, so regardless, know that Allah swt is completely pleased with you. Your union has more barakah their most couples i hope you know that.
For people who got married like this, their relationships are way different than conventional relationships. You guys are essentially dating and getting to know each other even though you’re married. And whenever I’ve heard about this (through my own religious friends), I’ve noticed they usually stop the dating part a few weeks in and just expect it to be a full on relationship. When it’s not that. You guys are very much early days.
The spark shouldn’t be your focal point either. Many times a spark is nothing more than the person giving a great first impression. First impressions aren’t everything either, sometimes you really don’t know a person until a few years down the line.”
Not sure where the rest of it is but I’ll improvise from here.
Make an effort with your husband. You guys have to work on building your connection each day, nurture and water your relationship. Be very nice and encouraging to your husband. Whenever I cheer on my husband after he’s had a hard day, in turn I get a happy husband who just wants to do everything I want. I think going on dates often will help bring out that feminine side to you. But try to make an effort, be energetic, be flirtatious, dress up for your husband. Give him the opportunity to be romantic to you. If you give up, he’s just going to give up too. Sometime’s men need a little push. You wanted him to be a great man who leads? You need to be the one behind him, encouraging him after every small thing he does for you. He’s taken you out? Make it seem like he’s taken you to Disney World.
Sometime’s relationships fluctuate, but it really just sounds like you guys just expected to have a connection off the bat, when really thats earned. Its earned by spending time together, sacrificing things for one another, and genuinely being each others best friends. Thats not going to come quickly. Remember you guys are not in a conventional marriage, get back into dating, and just simply getting to know each other. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Anon
3 years ago
I’ve recently been introduced to a guy and we’ve been texting Im finding difficult to figure him out. What questions should I be asking in the beginning of the talking stage ?
“Besides being so (add a compliment), is their actually anything you’re bad at?”
– It bigs up their ego and encourages them to talk more about themselves. If you are trying to avoid him giving you dead energy, here you go. You can thank me later.
“If we were to go on another date, where would you take me?”
– It shows you’re interested, and you put him under the spotlight to impress you.
BAD questions to ask:
“Where do you see us going?”
– Slow down girl, otherwise hold on we’re going home.
“When do you want to get married?”
– This is the first date, I’m not asking for your hand bish.
“I broke up with my ex recently, do you have any exes?”
– Why you gotta bring up the exes for? Do you want me to go back to her?
Generally you should make sure the first few dates just focus on you two first before you deep into all the other controversial stuff. Focus more on the connecting and mainly, the flirting (which is the best part). This. Flirting to me is about saying and doing things with romantic, flirtatious overtures and intent. I would start by focusing on your tone, which is something people in general and females in particular pick up on really quickly. It’s so funny, because when I play games or when I’m at work, I can be really authoritative. But as soon as I go on a date, I just switch this button and I go in to dainty mood. Like its this goofy, playful feeling like you could try to say something like “I like when my hair is like this” normally, then with a sarcastic tone, then with a flirtatious one. Eye contact is big, too. Not too intense that you creep them out, but don’t have dodgy or fleeting eye contact either.
Anon
3 years ago
Im dating a loving guy who i started seeing 9 months ago but his mum is soo controlling and its giving off vibes. She’s said and reacted to things so horribly like hinting to him that he should marry someone in his qabil and she isnt exactly kind and understanding to me, i think its not worth it, i had this issue with another ex too, with mother in laws i have the perception that maybe they all are terrible and i just have to cope but Idk anymore, advice on dealing with controlling MILs and are there good supportive ones out there bc it just seems like there aren’t ??
In the cases where people I know who have bad relationships with their MIL, I think it’s usually a simple case of two families colliding. Think about it, the MIL already raised a family the best way she could think of, and now this new spouse is trying to come and change that. Some people take that as an unspoken affront against their own parenting/life style, like the new spouse is trying to do things differently because they think the way the MIL wants to do things is wrong. When you’ve invested most of your life into raising a family, when that’s been your primary focus for decades, you can get pretty defensive. I’m not sure why though but it seems to be quite common with the Somali Community.
Other MILs are just very protective of their children. This is why you should never complain about your spouse to your mother. If you and this man become serious, make sure he never speaks about you when he’s upset. Tell him to find someone else to vent to. Because to him, he’s just blowing off steam in the moment and then the fight resolves and you two are fine. But to a protective mother, that translates to you hurt my baby’s feelings. Combine that with the fact that she’s not there for the fight’s resolution, and she’s just got this ongoing offense.
And then some people are just critical people who like to criticise. A son- or daughter-in-law is a good target because they’re in your family, so they can’t get away from you, but they’re relatively new to your family, so they feel like they have to be deferential to you.
But I really want to add, not everybody has bad relationships with their in-laws, but we’ve developed a narrative about it so we hold onto that. Don’t go into your marriage thinking thats what she is 100% going to be like. When I was younger, before I had even met my husband, I used to think that every MIL was a bitch, but how wrong am I, because I couldn’t have been luckier. For someone like me who’s mum moved away when I was young, even though she comes every few months, it’a nice to have a new motherly figure. So now whenever my MIL comes to bring us food it gets me quite emotional. Or whenever she calls me her daughter, and she always tells her son to always make me happy. I get in my feels. You know sometimes you don’t realise you miss something until you’ve been presented with it in another way. But yeah, some MIL relationships can be really special man.
Anon
3 years ago
At what age did you become I guess the world is feminine or girly as 18 and want to get into makeup and things because I can’t lie the few times I dress good my life and the day is better it improves quality of life. Sad world but yh. People are nicer
Tbh it started very early for me. I started wearing make up in year 7, and by year 8 I was already threading my eyebrows and getting my top lip waxed LMAO. I was obsessed with upkeep from a very young age and I think its because I grew up with older sisters and my mum was like the most feminine person I knew. Everyone dressed up, wore nice things, my sister was a hairdresser so her hair was always done. My mum even used to get our hair down every 2 weeks for school. Not even a single hair out of place was okay for her. I am so feminine now and put together but to their standards, they thought I was a basaari. And I’m like huh, but I am so organised?
If you are looking for tips, the first thing I would say is before you dress femininely, or wear make up. Look after yourself. Your hair can’t be greasy, you can’t have dirt on your clothes, wear deodorant, make sure your nails are not dirty. These things might sound like they’re not a big deal but if you don’t have these in check, it becomes very obvious that you do not take care of yourself. And yeah its true, people are so nicer when they see that you’re put together.
If you got a hairy top lip, and you can see it in pictures, wax it. Omg when I think about when my sisters first told me, I was so mortified, I hadn’t realized it. And it wasn’t like I had a moustache, but it was like this dark shadow around my lip. It kinda looked like discoloration from a far, but really it was just tiny thin hair. When I started waxing it, my skin started glowing! And because I’ve been doing it for so long now, I genuinely only have to wax it once every 4-6 months.
Next I would say dress femininely, if you’re an abaya person, wear more colourful abaya’s. Those are so cute. Learn how to do soft glam for yourself. I used to be a big eye shadow person but now I’m realising less is more. And practice your etiquette. Be very friendly and nice, and have good banter. Know your limits when you joke around with the opposite sex, don’t be like the mandem.
Anon
3 years ago
I’ve recently started wearing abaya and hijab full time. I’ve also decided I’m ready for marriage and feel like its my next step in life. However, I feel like its such a mission to find someone when you outwardly look “religious” because people either tell you “I wanna get to know you for marriage” just because of the fact that I wear abaya (lowkey idealising and glorifying this idea of me because religious n submissive simple bcuz of the way I dress) or people just straight up avoiding me because they think I’m too religious. At work there was this muslim guy I felt we both liked each other then as soon as I put abaya on he started avoiding and being cold towards me. Its like how do I find the perfect balance?
Honestly alot of hijabis have the same problem. Guys automatically think they’re too religious and not open to getting to know someone unless for marriage. It’s a good thing in hindsight, but it doesn’t leave the girlies open to getting to know more people. That’s why in this case, I advise you to be more forward.
Usually I advise girls to sit back and let guys come to you, but hijabis sometimes don’t get to have that luxury. Men put you on a pedestal too much that they’re afraid to even date you. Its like they automatically see the hijab your hijab and think there is no shot. It’s stupid. So you have to take the reins abit
Be the one that makes the first move. Be subtle but not that subtle. Flirt whilst maintaining a good distance, enough so he gets what you’re trying to suggest. And see if he just goes for it. Sometimes guys need more of a push though, a lot of them really lack confidence
Anon
3 years ago
(Resentment question reply): Thank you so much for your response. I agree with every one of your points, however, I think I was a bit too vague.
My fiance was a very angry person prior to my speaking up, and I’m a person who does everything in her power to avoid conflict even at my own expense. Any disagreement would lead to him shouting at the top of his lungs and me being gaslighted into apologising for speaking up, even when the issue wasn’t my fault – which was pretty much all the time. He was in and out of work (ridiculous, I know) and relied on me for money for everything until I literally had nothing left. There were times he would refuse to have sex with me. I felt disgusting and my confidence and self worth was lower than I ever knew it could be. All of this went on without me speaking to anyone about it so I didn’t have anyone to check me about how wild it was. Bottling all this up led to me developing anxiety because I was constantly scared about my future, but couldn’t speak about my concerns with him otherwise I’d get shouted at and the conversation would end up nowhere. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up having an anxiety attack, sometimes they would even happen during prayer – this is when I finally spoke up. The few times I did try to mention my worries about the future to him he would say I was ungrateful – coming from a man who never bought me gifts or planned a date in two years of being together.
I held on to the belief that things would get better after we did a nikah but they stayed the same/got worse, probably because he was comfortable. Things changed after I told him I couldn’t handle anymore and wanted out. He is now no longer as angry as he used to be and listens more, but like I said, I feel like I reached a breaking point and mentally checked out a while ago. It was definitely to protect myself at the time but now that he’s changed his behaviour because he realised what he nearly lost, I feel terrible for feeling the way I do.
It’s okay to feel guilty. You have guilt because you are a decent person who cares, and of course considering divorce is a horrible to be in, but you have to look out for yourself. I can literally tell from this message you are done.
Go into therapy, it will help you decide what you need to do. You may need it afterwards too.
You should read “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. It talks a lot about your situation, the guilt and dealing with parents after you have expressed you wanting a divorce. It also talks about how you can build the confidence to leave an unhappy marriage.
And “whole again” by Jackson something not sure what his name was. This was my aunt’s favourite book when she ended her marriage.
Speak to somebody in your family that you respect, and ask them genuinely how you would go about ending the divorce. You may have to go into detail because families do need justifications as to why you want to divorce.
I’m so sad you’ve had to experience this. Pray Istikara and ask for guidance regarding this matter. I hope everything works out for you.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girl , I’m going to 20 soon and Im currently in my second year of university. There is this one guy that I know and he’s a few years older than me and we recently rekindled a relationship we once had. He lives in the UAE and I live in Sweden , we click ! Like when it comes to discussing our ideal marriage life , culture and most importantly deen. The issue is , I don’t think I can do long distance because I feel sad that the person I want lives so far away and my mum doesn’t want me to get married young. What do you suggest ? Plus he’s well off for someone his age and his own business , I need to convince my mum.
Only consider the relationship if one of you is ready to move abroad. You have to have that conversation before the relationship goes any further. Whilst you still have you whits about you, and whilst you are not consumed by all the feels, have a conversation first. Because when feelings involved, and none of you guys want to move, it gets really long. That should be the first point of action before you even tell your mum.
Mummy is secondary, this is more important. Which one of yall are moving? And if its you, really have a good think about whether its a good idea to move away from your safety net (family and friends).
im a guy, in my young 20s. marriage isn’t something im really on atm but iA I will deffo entertain in a couple years. just to have an idea or something to compare myself to, what is the ideal/perfect husband/man in the eyes of a somali muslim female? what responsibilities do you expect me to meet?
also i try to stick to the rules of islam to the best of my ability so i stay away from girls in the relationship sense etc but whats the most ideal way of finding a girl that not only will please God but i wont be embarrassed to say to my kids when they start looking? from what ive seen somali people do is linkup via insta/snap, do a few dates and whatever happens, happens. from what ive been taught dating is haraam and i get why, but i aint trying to marry a stranger so how can man do his due diligence loool?
A good set of qualities are, for me anyway.
Being Kind. That is what even attracts me to someone in the first place. If I know you are genuinely a kind person, regardless of who is talking to you, I know you are going to be kind to me. Can’t trust those ‘he is only nice to me’ kinda guys
Having Honour. Being really genuine and sincere in how you conduct yourself. Being trustworthy, protecting my honour as much as you protect yours. Never mention your women to your friends etc. Always always have your boundaries.
Being Articulate: Like are you capable of honest direct and constructive communication? When someone tell you how they feel are you just going to say well “rah thats mad still”.
Stability: Are you financially stable and secure? You shouldn’t have bad debt or bad credit, because its irresponsible and doesn’t ever come off well to the person you’re dating.
Effort: Someone who is able and willing to maintain mutual attraction and compatibility. Always going above and beyonce to always remance me, show your best self to me, on the exceptions of obviously when you’re down and not feeling so good. But yeah just make an effort when go to see her etc. Wear your best garms.
Being a team player. Someone who is able to approach any relationship and it’s ups and downs as a team. You should never want the relationship to degrade to a point where you’re nasty to each other, and one is fighting for it more than the other.
If you want to do things the islamic way, ask someone to set you up. So it avoids you having to approach women etc. But it does put pressure on you and makes you feel like you have to make things work with the first person you’re get set up with.
Hi ladies!
I met this guy online and we’ve been speaking for about three months. I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want to mess about and looking for marriage to make sure we’re on the same page. We meet up at least once a week and he always pays for me but I feel bad so I do offer here and there. I feel like we’re both struggling to fully open up emotionally and in denial with our feelings. I can tell he’s scared to be vulnerable with me but I just don’t know if he’s really falling for me or is it just in my head.
You guys are not seeing each other enough for to relationship to progress. You know when you are around someone longer for instance, it’s easier for you to be your true self around them because you are with each other most days. Whilst I understand every is usually busy mon-fri. Sometimes you don’t have to go on an extra date a week, little car dates will suffice.
When you are together more often, it will be easier for him to be vulnerable with you. And if you want to really show him that he can do that, be vulnerable with him FIRST. Share your personal secrets, show him that you actually trust him seeing this side of you. Men will never been vulnerable first, they don’t want to show that to women. But it takes time.
When getting to know someone in the beginning, what’s a reasonable time to expect a text back within?
Sometimes people like to play games, which is annoying, because if you like me and I like you, whats the problem? Sometime’s guys like to take a few hours long to first message you after getting your number. They don’t like to feel like they’re coming on too strong, but I realise this is an age thing too. Older men waste no time LMAO, as soon as they get your number- they’re giving you details to the date he’s planned for you.
Anything after a few days, or taking long to reply to you in general, I would just be under the assumption he doesn’t like me and/or he is saving me for the event if something goes wrong with option NO.1.
Hey girls! I’m married but for some reason my heart is so torn. I rushed into marriage without courting or getting courted. We basically didn’t even date. He’s a great guy, supportive, we never argue and he’s just deep down a good person. But our relationship has a proper roommate vibe. He even said to me recently that he feels like he’s hanging with his sister and tbh I expressed I feel the same. Living with him made me realise I’m not attracted to him and the type of man he is. Most of the time im figuring things out or telling him how to do things and really I’ve always wanted someone who leads. We rarely have conversations where we’re on the same level and we just pass each other from work to home on a daily basis. I’m not feminine at all around him because I just can’t seem to click into that version of myself with him, and to be honest I don’t enjoy intimacy with him. But the relationship is stable in the sense that we treat each other as best as we can. It feels as though we are both unfulfilled and I don’t think I can see a long term future with him. However does that justify ending a good Islamic marriage that is still sort of fresh. I felt like this early on, many months later and I feel the same.
I had a similar dilemma like this on my old cc, and luckily I saved most of it. So i’ll copy it down below.
‘Marriage for anyone is very overwhelming for anyone. You did it the halal way for the sake of Allah swt, so regardless, know that Allah swt is completely pleased with you. Your union has more barakah their most couples i hope you know that.
For people who got married like this, their relationships are way different than conventional relationships. You guys are essentially dating and getting to know each other even though you’re married. And whenever I’ve heard about this (through my own religious friends), I’ve noticed they usually stop the dating part a few weeks in and just expect it to be a full on relationship. When it’s not that. You guys are very much early days.
The spark shouldn’t be your focal point either. Many times a spark is nothing more than the person giving a great first impression. First impressions aren’t everything either, sometimes you really don’t know a person until a few years down the line.”
Not sure where the rest of it is but I’ll improvise from here.
Make an effort with your husband. You guys have to work on building your connection each day, nurture and water your relationship. Be very nice and encouraging to your husband. Whenever I cheer on my husband after he’s had a hard day, in turn I get a happy husband who just wants to do everything I want. I think going on dates often will help bring out that feminine side to you. But try to make an effort, be energetic, be flirtatious, dress up for your husband. Give him the opportunity to be romantic to you. If you give up, he’s just going to give up too. Sometime’s men need a little push. You wanted him to be a great man who leads? You need to be the one behind him, encouraging him after every small thing he does for you. He’s taken you out? Make it seem like he’s taken you to Disney World.
Sometime’s relationships fluctuate, but it really just sounds like you guys just expected to have a connection off the bat, when really thats earned. Its earned by spending time together, sacrificing things for one another, and genuinely being each others best friends. Thats not going to come quickly. Remember you guys are not in a conventional marriage, get back into dating, and just simply getting to know each other. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I’ve recently been introduced to a guy and we’ve been texting Im finding difficult to figure him out. What questions should I be asking in the beginning of the talking stage ?
GOOD questions to ask:
“Besides being so (add a compliment), is their actually anything you’re bad at?”
– It bigs up their ego and encourages them to talk more about themselves. If you are trying to avoid him giving you dead energy, here you go. You can thank me later.
“If we were to go on another date, where would you take me?”
– It shows you’re interested, and you put him under the spotlight to impress you.
BAD questions to ask:
“Where do you see us going?”
– Slow down girl, otherwise hold on we’re going home.
“When do you want to get married?”
– This is the first date, I’m not asking for your hand bish.
“I broke up with my ex recently, do you have any exes?”
– Why you gotta bring up the exes for? Do you want me to go back to her?
Generally you should make sure the first few dates just focus on you two first before you deep into all the other controversial stuff. Focus more on the connecting and mainly, the flirting (which is the best part). This. Flirting to me is about saying and doing things with romantic, flirtatious overtures and intent. I would start by focusing on your tone, which is something people in general and females in particular pick up on really quickly. It’s so funny, because when I play games or when I’m at work, I can be really authoritative. But as soon as I go on a date, I just switch this button and I go in to dainty mood. Like its this goofy, playful feeling like you could try to say something like “I like when my hair is like this” normally, then with a sarcastic tone, then with a flirtatious one. Eye contact is big, too. Not too intense that you creep them out, but don’t have dodgy or fleeting eye contact either.
Im dating a loving guy who i started seeing 9 months ago but his mum is soo controlling and its giving off vibes. She’s said and reacted to things so horribly like hinting to him that he should marry someone in his qabil and she isnt exactly kind and understanding to me, i think its not worth it, i had this issue with another ex too, with mother in laws i have the perception that maybe they all are terrible and i just have to cope but Idk anymore, advice on dealing with controlling MILs and are there good supportive ones out there bc it just seems like there aren’t ??
In the cases where people I know who have bad relationships with their MIL, I think it’s usually a simple case of two families colliding. Think about it, the MIL already raised a family the best way she could think of, and now this new spouse is trying to come and change that. Some people take that as an unspoken affront against their own parenting/life style, like the new spouse is trying to do things differently because they think the way the MIL wants to do things is wrong. When you’ve invested most of your life into raising a family, when that’s been your primary focus for decades, you can get pretty defensive. I’m not sure why though but it seems to be quite common with the Somali Community.
Other MILs are just very protective of their children. This is why you should never complain about your spouse to your mother. If you and this man become serious, make sure he never speaks about you when he’s upset. Tell him to find someone else to vent to. Because to him, he’s just blowing off steam in the moment and then the fight resolves and you two are fine. But to a protective mother, that translates to you hurt my baby’s feelings. Combine that with the fact that she’s not there for the fight’s resolution, and she’s just got this ongoing offense.
And then some people are just critical people who like to criticise. A son- or daughter-in-law is a good target because they’re in your family, so they can’t get away from you, but they’re relatively new to your family, so they feel like they have to be deferential to you.
But I really want to add, not everybody has bad relationships with their in-laws, but we’ve developed a narrative about it so we hold onto that. Don’t go into your marriage thinking thats what she is 100% going to be like. When I was younger, before I had even met my husband, I used to think that every MIL was a bitch, but how wrong am I, because I couldn’t have been luckier. For someone like me who’s mum moved away when I was young, even though she comes every few months, it’a nice to have a new motherly figure. So now whenever my MIL comes to bring us food it gets me quite emotional. Or whenever she calls me her daughter, and she always tells her son to always make me happy. I get in my feels. You know sometimes you don’t realise you miss something until you’ve been presented with it in another way. But yeah, some MIL relationships can be really special man.
At what age did you become I guess the world is feminine or girly as 18 and want to get into makeup and things because I can’t lie the few times I dress good my life and the day is better it improves quality of life. Sad world but yh. People are nicer
Tbh it started very early for me. I started wearing make up in year 7, and by year 8 I was already threading my eyebrows and getting my top lip waxed LMAO. I was obsessed with upkeep from a very young age and I think its because I grew up with older sisters and my mum was like the most feminine person I knew. Everyone dressed up, wore nice things, my sister was a hairdresser so her hair was always done. My mum even used to get our hair down every 2 weeks for school. Not even a single hair out of place was okay for her. I am so feminine now and put together but to their standards, they thought I was a basaari. And I’m like huh, but I am so organised?
If you are looking for tips, the first thing I would say is before you dress femininely, or wear make up. Look after yourself. Your hair can’t be greasy, you can’t have dirt on your clothes, wear deodorant, make sure your nails are not dirty. These things might sound like they’re not a big deal but if you don’t have these in check, it becomes very obvious that you do not take care of yourself. And yeah its true, people are so nicer when they see that you’re put together.
If you got a hairy top lip, and you can see it in pictures, wax it. Omg when I think about when my sisters first told me, I was so mortified, I hadn’t realized it. And it wasn’t like I had a moustache, but it was like this dark shadow around my lip. It kinda looked like discoloration from a far, but really it was just tiny thin hair. When I started waxing it, my skin started glowing! And because I’ve been doing it for so long now, I genuinely only have to wax it once every 4-6 months.
Next I would say dress femininely, if you’re an abaya person, wear more colourful abaya’s. Those are so cute. Learn how to do soft glam for yourself. I used to be a big eye shadow person but now I’m realising less is more. And practice your etiquette. Be very friendly and nice, and have good banter. Know your limits when you joke around with the opposite sex, don’t be like the mandem.
I’ve recently started wearing abaya and hijab full time. I’ve also decided I’m ready for marriage and feel like its my next step in life. However, I feel like its such a mission to find someone when you outwardly look “religious” because people either tell you “I wanna get to know you for marriage” just because of the fact that I wear abaya (lowkey idealising and glorifying this idea of me because religious n submissive simple bcuz of the way I dress) or people just straight up avoiding me because they think I’m too religious. At work there was this muslim guy I felt we both liked each other then as soon as I put abaya on he started avoiding and being cold towards me. Its like how do I find the perfect balance?
Honestly alot of hijabis have the same problem. Guys automatically think they’re too religious and not open to getting to know someone unless for marriage. It’s a good thing in hindsight, but it doesn’t leave the girlies open to getting to know more people. That’s why in this case, I advise you to be more forward.
Usually I advise girls to sit back and let guys come to you, but hijabis sometimes don’t get to have that luxury. Men put you on a pedestal too much that they’re afraid to even date you. Its like they automatically see the hijab your hijab and think there is no shot. It’s stupid. So you have to take the reins abit
Be the one that makes the first move. Be subtle but not that subtle. Flirt whilst maintaining a good distance, enough so he gets what you’re trying to suggest. And see if he just goes for it. Sometimes guys need more of a push though, a lot of them really lack confidence
(Resentment question reply): Thank you so much for your response. I agree with every one of your points, however, I think I was a bit too vague.
My fiance was a very angry person prior to my speaking up, and I’m a person who does everything in her power to avoid conflict even at my own expense. Any disagreement would lead to him shouting at the top of his lungs and me being gaslighted into apologising for speaking up, even when the issue wasn’t my fault – which was pretty much all the time. He was in and out of work (ridiculous, I know) and relied on me for money for everything until I literally had nothing left. There were times he would refuse to have sex with me. I felt disgusting and my confidence and self worth was lower than I ever knew it could be. All of this went on without me speaking to anyone about it so I didn’t have anyone to check me about how wild it was. Bottling all this up led to me developing anxiety because I was constantly scared about my future, but couldn’t speak about my concerns with him otherwise I’d get shouted at and the conversation would end up nowhere. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up having an anxiety attack, sometimes they would even happen during prayer – this is when I finally spoke up. The few times I did try to mention my worries about the future to him he would say I was ungrateful – coming from a man who never bought me gifts or planned a date in two years of being together.
I held on to the belief that things would get better after we did a nikah but they stayed the same/got worse, probably because he was comfortable. Things changed after I told him I couldn’t handle anymore and wanted out. He is now no longer as angry as he used to be and listens more, but like I said, I feel like I reached a breaking point and mentally checked out a while ago. It was definitely to protect myself at the time but now that he’s changed his behaviour because he realised what he nearly lost, I feel terrible for feeling the way I do.
It’s okay to feel guilty. You have guilt because you are a decent person who cares, and of course considering divorce is a horrible to be in, but you have to look out for yourself. I can literally tell from this message you are done.
Go into therapy, it will help you decide what you need to do. You may need it afterwards too.
You should read “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. It talks a lot about your situation, the guilt and dealing with parents after you have expressed you wanting a divorce. It also talks about how you can build the confidence to leave an unhappy marriage.
And “whole again” by Jackson something not sure what his name was. This was my aunt’s favourite book when she ended her marriage.
Speak to somebody in your family that you respect, and ask them genuinely how you would go about ending the divorce. You may have to go into detail because families do need justifications as to why you want to divorce.
I’m so sad you’ve had to experience this. Pray Istikara and ask for guidance regarding this matter. I hope everything works out for you.
Hey girl , I’m going to 20 soon and Im currently in my second year of university. There is this one guy that I know and he’s a few years older than me and we recently rekindled a relationship we once had. He lives in the UAE and I live in Sweden , we click ! Like when it comes to discussing our ideal marriage life , culture and most importantly deen. The issue is , I don’t think I can do long distance because I feel sad that the person I want lives so far away and my mum doesn’t want me to get married young. What do you suggest ? Plus he’s well off for someone his age and his own business , I need to convince my mum.
Only consider the relationship if one of you is ready to move abroad. You have to have that conversation before the relationship goes any further. Whilst you still have you whits about you, and whilst you are not consumed by all the feels, have a conversation first. Because when feelings involved, and none of you guys want to move, it gets really long. That should be the first point of action before you even tell your mum.
Mummy is secondary, this is more important. Which one of yall are moving? And if its you, really have a good think about whether its a good idea to move away from your safety net (family and friends).