Hey sister, I need advice on how to keep a guy entertained and hooked on you during the talking stage. I feel like I have walls up and seem to be very awkward and polite during my convos with men. I would love to get some pointers on making the talking stage more interesting. Btw love your page so much!!
Be a bit more charming, flirt a little bit. Try complimenting him
Don’t ask boring questions, actually try and get to know him below the surface.
You could transition into facetime.
Play online games or through apps like Quizup, that’s actually fun.
You can use Netflix Party and watch stuff together
Also keep the talking stage brief, set up a date to really see if there is any potential there. The longer you talk for, you guys are just gonna make things boring.
Anon
2 years ago
In regards to your recent tweet about men wanting their girl to have her own money, I do not see this as a issue at all. It’s not just down to money but more so things like her ambition, goals, mindset, purpose etc that plays a big role. Why would one go for a girl who has nothing to her name? And as a women would you not want to have something for yourself and not solely rely on a man? I genuinely want to know your pov on this…
I think women should always have something for themselves. Especially when it comes to your career and savings, a woman always needs her safety net. But that wasn’t the point I was making when I said that.
My point was, men who have the means to look after you, don’t care if you have anything. That’s not what they are looking for.
The ones that do however, probably care because they don’t have that themselves – and fair enough, want someone that is a help rather than a liability (in their eyes).
People need to be more honest.
Given that half of millennial men can’t even afford housing anymore on a single income because of how concentrated wealth is and cost of living, it’s a stereotype that doesn’t apply across the board anymore. Depending on the circumstance, both partners might have to financially pull their weight. But if that wasn’t the case, I do believe men are naturally inclined to be providers. They feel best doing that. Its like when they say “I’m doing this for my mum, I’m gonna buy her a house, car etc”.
That’s what they want to do.
Same way with us women, we just want to look after our family – and we could do that to the best of our ability if there is a guaranteed security for us.
Anon
2 years ago
Hei Lula, need some advice sis. There’s this guy that ended things bw us because as much as he likes me and all he said we are not on the same paths. At the time I didn’t say anything and just accepted it, now days later I feel that I’ve got so much to say to that and it’s just a misunderstanding.
Would it be beg behaviour if I go back to talk say what I really feel or should I just let it go?
“You have so much to say” = in other words “I want to convince him to stay with me”
People shouldn’t be begging someone to give them answers. You don’t need those answers to get closure. Plus no matter what he says, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that he still pulled away and ended things with you. Take it for what it is, which is that he just doesn’t want to be with you.
You could be living in tim buk tu, if he wanted you – nothing will stop him. Asking for more, or trying to get your point across will just make you more hurt and confused. Also don’t lower yourself seeking validation from him. Who even is he?
If you wanted him to come back (men always do btw) – he won’t come back if you badger him. When he sees you moving on, not making so much of a PEEP, he will still be thinking of you.
Don’t sweat it sis, if anything, women always move onto someone wayyy better than what they had before. Don’t block your blessings!
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sis,
Do you think it’s possible to get over a potentials past (drinking, zina, drugs etc) if you yourself never fell into those temptations?
Everything else about them is perfect, it’s just that element of falling into those sins. I’m not sure if it’s something I can get over or if I should keep looking for someone who has a similar background to myself.
Could you marry a practising revert, despite them being non-muslim before? Of course you would.
But would you marry a revert that dibbles and dabbles in and out of religion? No, because he’s not taking the deen seriously.
It really does depend on where they are at NOW and how stable their way of living is. If they are around people who still have those vices, its very easy to fall back into it too. But, if he has genuinely made active changes in his lifestyle and environment, to ensure he never goes back then I don’t see a problem.
Anon
2 years ago
I’m starting to think I made a mistake getting married.
I love him yes but it’s just when we argue his behaviour is just not aligned to what I can deal with. As in he will not speak to me for ages. Currently it’s been 2 days and wirh none of our regular phone calls because we had an argument and I said ‘bye’ and hung up cause I did not like the way he spoke to me.
He hates people hanging up and now thinks I don’t ‘deserve a phone call’. I’ve explained that’s childish and ridiculous as it’s patronising and he has messaged me but no calls.
We had a back and forth via message and I said if he’s not calling, then no point in texting as it’s just a joke to me.
That evening I thought let me just sort this as we are married (long distance at the moment) and I said I missed him. His reply was shit and I ended the call because why have I just tried to sort this out and he can’t meet in the middle?
He is yet to call and I’m fuming. I’m sitting bed thinking who did I marry as I can’t deal with this all my life. I don’t even want to be married at this point because all I see it ending in is divorce if it continues like this.
I don’t feel respected when he does stuff like this and I don’t understand how he can not speak to his wife for this long knowing we live apart.
J don’t know what to do. I’ve told him we are both stubborn and need to work together not to be during arguments but it’s like he hasn’t even tried to do anything different
You both need to grow up.
This is not how you communicate in a relationship let alone a whole marriage.
My feeling is that it is normal for couples to disagree on things and then compromise, and to eventually work things out. My main problem is that the silent treatment shouldn’t be both you go-to responses to every single conflict.
The silent treatment is a symptom to the bigger issue which is: both of you guys don’t know how to communicate and find conflict resolution.
For me, ignoring your spouse over a few days is such a painful punishment to inflict on somebody. This is the most rejecting, agonising thing somebody can do to the person they’ve promised to love and be with. You lot are both not acting like a team, and its worse because when you both decided to commit to a LDR – you signed up to go for that extra mile. Because this isn’t a normal situation, every day you have to fight for your relationship to prosper in a LDR.
One benefit I think about of being in an LDR is that you have time to chill out and not respond immediately. If you’re in an argument, you don’t need to reply straight away, take a little moment to decide what the argument is about, why you’re arguing, and come up with a way to resolve it in a way that at least meets a compromise. Don’t take the piss though, if you are taking time out to think about things – let them know.
“Hey babe, I just need time to gather my thoughts. I love you.” – How hard is that?
The way I see it as well is you don’t really need to care about winning an argument since half the time you look back on it and it was silly to begin with. Make sure you reply in a manner that isn’t emotional, and doesn’t so much ‘attack’ or ‘defend’ any position as it does work towards a compromise or some way of coming together.
Also you guys are married now, go visit each other. Spend time being husband and wife. Right now you’re too much at odds, which is why it’s so easy for you guys to ignore each other.
Anon
2 years ago
I met my fiance on muzmatch, and he’s an amazing guy. Stop sleeping on it ladies, it just takes a lot of digging 🙂
I started speaking to this guy a few weeks ago. Everything was going great in terms of his personality, he regularly prays and has loads of respect for his family and other people. However, one of the problems is that he’s really sexual. At first, I didn’t think much on the situation, but he’s also sent me pictures.. I have pulled him up on this and he has said he can’t help it, but it feels so wrong. I feel like 3/4 of our conversations are sexual, and 1/4 is where he makes an effort getting to know me as a person. It doesn’t seem to be more than this though.. like in terms of regular phone calls or meets ups.
I’m really not sure what to do.. I feel like I want to stop all this, but do I have the right reasons too?
When you see red flags or something that makes you uncomfortable, what more is there to ask???
This guy is not looking for something serious, he doesn’t even take you seriously. If he did, he wouldn’t come across as a creep.
He is solely looking for one thing.
Dump him
Anon
2 years ago
Assalamu alaykum,
Hi Lula and everyone. I wanted to ask how you find the balance between focusing on yourself and looking for marriage. Im 24 just about to graduate from my second program Inshallah, finished paying off my student loans Alhamdullilah and looking for a full time remote job while working on my self. I would really like to get married in the next few years but am having a hard time dedicating enough time to the marriage search process since I am a busy person. I know how hard it is to find someone and it can take years so I have to remind myself to put in the same amount of effort into my personal life that i do my professional life if that makes. Any tips on how to keep the momentum going? I was late to the game and only started talking to guys when I was 22. I can only shukaansi with one guy at a time tbh. Then when that ends I tend to take long breaks and just focus more on myself (which tbh i enjoy). I’m hyperaware that my dream guy isn’t going to fall from the sky and that I have to put it in the work even though he’s good at hiding. How can i maintain the momentum to keep searching?
Funnily enough, you end up meeting likeminded people when you do focus and build on yourself. Sometimes, they might even be the ones to take you where you need to be.
At least once a week, go out and socialise. Make opportunities for you to meet new people. No one is meeting people at home (unless they’re on dating apps). Maybe even join one, there is Muzmatch.
Look for guys that value long term gain, their career is a good place to start. Judge them for what they do in their spare time (guys going out all the time are not, at least actively, looking for the same things as you). Ask them what they’re looking for and judge them on their answers. Don’t waste time on someone unsure. Don’t fall victim to false bravado, someone less noticed at first might be a pretty good catch. Things like that.
You don’t want to be with men who’s approach to life is, “Let’s have fun and see what happens.” Be with someone who’s kind, generous, respectful, has experience with kids, is motivated, and goal-oriented – the kind of person that you think would make a good husband and father.
So you can be upfront – and you should, before you get serious with anyone – but you can learn a lot about a man by making sure that his values/intentions match his actions, while you’re dating and getting to know him in a more fun and lighthearted way. Its not an audition.
Don’t be afraid to drop men who are wasting your time. If he’s not willing to impress you in the beginning of the relationship, if he’s not willing to commit to you and isn’t sure about you, then there is another guy out there who will be and won’t be afraid to let you know how he feels.
Anon
2 years ago
Asc sis love this page,
my dilemma has to be discreet as many of my friends read this page, but im very private about my situation. I began dating this man **** 2021 and he came to meet my family within the month for marriage, Shortly after the relationship began to fall apart he became paranoid and didnt trust me after an incident had occurred during a date night. Out of revenge he kept plotting to do thing to hurt me I eventually accepted he will never forgive me and broke things off. I took him back after a month I truly felt like i was in a trauma bond he treated me so badly but i was so in love with him after he hurt me again I left but this time went no contact for 5 months hes been very obsessive reaching out to my family and friends hacking my icloud my socials finding my numbers parking outside my house all night threatening to harm my family, I want to file for a stalking protection order but im scared what he’ll do and I wont lie despite going therapy I still love him
Number one,
You need to tell your parents ASAP. From there, wallahi I would even contact his family and let them know you will file a police report.
No you don’t love this man, you’re just scared of being alone. And he’s made you feel like you’ll have nothing without him. Wake up and smell the coffee, this man is fucking dangerous.
Do not get married to this man
Anon
2 years ago
I’m happy to finally update you! I asked for advice on your curious cat about dating a man that was basically a road man for ages. I managed to leave him and i’ve been focusing on myself. Alhamdulilah! I’m having meaningful interactions with actual men! None of that halfhearted nonsense. And the best thing about it is that even though i loved him so much, i’m so happy i saved myself and barely even let him hug me throughout the years. Although it’s haraam, i tried to cut the physical contact to the bare minimum and it makes me feel great that i didn’t lose myself over loving him. I’ve never been happier and i can’t wait to acc meet someone that will fulfill their role as a boyfriend/husband. Lol GIRLS PLS STAY AWAY FROM SHIT MEN.
Hey sister, I need advice on how to keep a guy entertained and hooked on you during the talking stage. I feel like I have walls up and seem to be very awkward and polite during my convos with men. I would love to get some pointers on making the talking stage more interesting. Btw love your page so much!!
Be a bit more charming, flirt a little bit. Try complimenting him
Don’t ask boring questions, actually try and get to know him below the surface.
You could transition into facetime.
Play online games or through apps like Quizup, that’s actually fun.
You can use Netflix Party and watch stuff together
Also keep the talking stage brief, set up a date to really see if there is any potential there. The longer you talk for, you guys are just gonna make things boring.
In regards to your recent tweet about men wanting their girl to have her own money, I do not see this as a issue at all. It’s not just down to money but more so things like her ambition, goals, mindset, purpose etc that plays a big role. Why would one go for a girl who has nothing to her name? And as a women would you not want to have something for yourself and not solely rely on a man? I genuinely want to know your pov on this…
I think women should always have something for themselves. Especially when it comes to your career and savings, a woman always needs her safety net. But that wasn’t the point I was making when I said that.
My point was, men who have the means to look after you, don’t care if you have anything. That’s not what they are looking for.
The ones that do however, probably care because they don’t have that themselves – and fair enough, want someone that is a help rather than a liability (in their eyes).
People need to be more honest.
Given that half of millennial men can’t even afford housing anymore on a single income because of how concentrated wealth is and cost of living, it’s a stereotype that doesn’t apply across the board anymore. Depending on the circumstance, both partners might have to financially pull their weight. But if that wasn’t the case, I do believe men are naturally inclined to be providers. They feel best doing that. Its like when they say “I’m doing this for my mum, I’m gonna buy her a house, car etc”.
That’s what they want to do.
Same way with us women, we just want to look after our family – and we could do that to the best of our ability if there is a guaranteed security for us.
Hei Lula, need some advice sis. There’s this guy that ended things bw us because as much as he likes me and all he said we are not on the same paths. At the time I didn’t say anything and just accepted it, now days later I feel that I’ve got so much to say to that and it’s just a misunderstanding.
Would it be beg behaviour if I go back to talk say what I really feel or should I just let it go?
“You have so much to say” = in other words “I want to convince him to stay with me”
People shouldn’t be begging someone to give them answers. You don’t need those answers to get closure. Plus no matter what he says, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that he still pulled away and ended things with you. Take it for what it is, which is that he just doesn’t want to be with you.
You could be living in tim buk tu, if he wanted you – nothing will stop him. Asking for more, or trying to get your point across will just make you more hurt and confused. Also don’t lower yourself seeking validation from him. Who even is he?
If you wanted him to come back (men always do btw) – he won’t come back if you badger him. When he sees you moving on, not making so much of a PEEP, he will still be thinking of you.
Don’t sweat it sis, if anything, women always move onto someone wayyy better than what they had before. Don’t block your blessings!
Salam sis,
Do you think it’s possible to get over a potentials past (drinking, zina, drugs etc) if you yourself never fell into those temptations?
Everything else about them is perfect, it’s just that element of falling into those sins. I’m not sure if it’s something I can get over or if I should keep looking for someone who has a similar background to myself.
It depends.
Could you marry a practising revert, despite them being non-muslim before? Of course you would.
But would you marry a revert that dibbles and dabbles in and out of religion? No, because he’s not taking the deen seriously.
It really does depend on where they are at NOW and how stable their way of living is. If they are around people who still have those vices, its very easy to fall back into it too. But, if he has genuinely made active changes in his lifestyle and environment, to ensure he never goes back then I don’t see a problem.
I’m starting to think I made a mistake getting married.
I love him yes but it’s just when we argue his behaviour is just not aligned to what I can deal with. As in he will not speak to me for ages. Currently it’s been 2 days and wirh none of our regular phone calls because we had an argument and I said ‘bye’ and hung up cause I did not like the way he spoke to me.
He hates people hanging up and now thinks I don’t ‘deserve a phone call’. I’ve explained that’s childish and ridiculous as it’s patronising and he has messaged me but no calls.
We had a back and forth via message and I said if he’s not calling, then no point in texting as it’s just a joke to me.
That evening I thought let me just sort this as we are married (long distance at the moment) and I said I missed him. His reply was shit and I ended the call because why have I just tried to sort this out and he can’t meet in the middle?
He is yet to call and I’m fuming. I’m sitting bed thinking who did I marry as I can’t deal with this all my life. I don’t even want to be married at this point because all I see it ending in is divorce if it continues like this.
I don’t feel respected when he does stuff like this and I don’t understand how he can not speak to his wife for this long knowing we live apart.
J don’t know what to do. I’ve told him we are both stubborn and need to work together not to be during arguments but it’s like he hasn’t even tried to do anything different
You both need to grow up.
This is not how you communicate in a relationship let alone a whole marriage.
My feeling is that it is normal for couples to disagree on things and then compromise, and to eventually work things out. My main problem is that the silent treatment shouldn’t be both you go-to responses to every single conflict.
The silent treatment is a symptom to the bigger issue which is: both of you guys don’t know how to communicate and find conflict resolution.
For me, ignoring your spouse over a few days is such a painful punishment to inflict on somebody. This is the most rejecting, agonising thing somebody can do to the person they’ve promised to love and be with. You lot are both not acting like a team, and its worse because when you both decided to commit to a LDR – you signed up to go for that extra mile. Because this isn’t a normal situation, every day you have to fight for your relationship to prosper in a LDR.
One benefit I think about of being in an LDR is that you have time to chill out and not respond immediately. If you’re in an argument, you don’t need to reply straight away, take a little moment to decide what the argument is about, why you’re arguing, and come up with a way to resolve it in a way that at least meets a compromise. Don’t take the piss though, if you are taking time out to think about things – let them know.
“Hey babe, I just need time to gather my thoughts. I love you.” – How hard is that?
The way I see it as well is you don’t really need to care about winning an argument since half the time you look back on it and it was silly to begin with. Make sure you reply in a manner that isn’t emotional, and doesn’t so much ‘attack’ or ‘defend’ any position as it does work towards a compromise or some way of coming together.
Also you guys are married now, go visit each other. Spend time being husband and wife. Right now you’re too much at odds, which is why it’s so easy for you guys to ignore each other.
I met my fiance on muzmatch, and he’s an amazing guy. Stop sleeping on it ladies, it just takes a lot of digging 🙂
!!!!!
I started speaking to this guy a few weeks ago. Everything was going great in terms of his personality, he regularly prays and has loads of respect for his family and other people. However, one of the problems is that he’s really sexual. At first, I didn’t think much on the situation, but he’s also sent me pictures.. I have pulled him up on this and he has said he can’t help it, but it feels so wrong. I feel like 3/4 of our conversations are sexual, and 1/4 is where he makes an effort getting to know me as a person. It doesn’t seem to be more than this though.. like in terms of regular phone calls or meets ups.
I’m really not sure what to do.. I feel like I want to stop all this, but do I have the right reasons too?
When you see red flags or something that makes you uncomfortable, what more is there to ask???
This guy is not looking for something serious, he doesn’t even take you seriously. If he did, he wouldn’t come across as a creep.
He is solely looking for one thing.
Dump him
Assalamu alaykum,
Hi Lula and everyone. I wanted to ask how you find the balance between focusing on yourself and looking for marriage. Im 24 just about to graduate from my second program Inshallah, finished paying off my student loans Alhamdullilah and looking for a full time remote job while working on my self. I would really like to get married in the next few years but am having a hard time dedicating enough time to the marriage search process since I am a busy person. I know how hard it is to find someone and it can take years so I have to remind myself to put in the same amount of effort into my personal life that i do my professional life if that makes. Any tips on how to keep the momentum going? I was late to the game and only started talking to guys when I was 22. I can only shukaansi with one guy at a time tbh. Then when that ends I tend to take long breaks and just focus more on myself (which tbh i enjoy). I’m hyperaware that my dream guy isn’t going to fall from the sky and that I have to put it in the work even though he’s good at hiding. How can i maintain the momentum to keep searching?
Funnily enough, you end up meeting likeminded people when you do focus and build on yourself. Sometimes, they might even be the ones to take you where you need to be.
At least once a week, go out and socialise. Make opportunities for you to meet new people. No one is meeting people at home (unless they’re on dating apps). Maybe even join one, there is Muzmatch.
Look for guys that value long term gain, their career is a good place to start. Judge them for what they do in their spare time (guys going out all the time are not, at least actively, looking for the same things as you). Ask them what they’re looking for and judge them on their answers. Don’t waste time on someone unsure. Don’t fall victim to false bravado, someone less noticed at first might be a pretty good catch. Things like that.
You don’t want to be with men who’s approach to life is, “Let’s have fun and see what happens.” Be with someone who’s kind, generous, respectful, has experience with kids, is motivated, and goal-oriented – the kind of person that you think would make a good husband and father.
So you can be upfront – and you should, before you get serious with anyone – but you can learn a lot about a man by making sure that his values/intentions match his actions, while you’re dating and getting to know him in a more fun and lighthearted way. Its not an audition.
Don’t be afraid to drop men who are wasting your time. If he’s not willing to impress you in the beginning of the relationship, if he’s not willing to commit to you and isn’t sure about you, then there is another guy out there who will be and won’t be afraid to let you know how he feels.
Asc sis love this page,
my dilemma has to be discreet as many of my friends read this page, but im very private about my situation. I began dating this man **** 2021 and he came to meet my family within the month for marriage, Shortly after the relationship began to fall apart he became paranoid and didnt trust me after an incident had occurred during a date night. Out of revenge he kept plotting to do thing to hurt me I eventually accepted he will never forgive me and broke things off. I took him back after a month I truly felt like i was in a trauma bond he treated me so badly but i was so in love with him after he hurt me again I left but this time went no contact for 5 months hes been very obsessive reaching out to my family and friends hacking my icloud my socials finding my numbers parking outside my house all night threatening to harm my family, I want to file for a stalking protection order but im scared what he’ll do and I wont lie despite going therapy I still love him
Number one,
You need to tell your parents ASAP. From there, wallahi I would even contact his family and let them know you will file a police report.
No you don’t love this man, you’re just scared of being alone. And he’s made you feel like you’ll have nothing without him. Wake up and smell the coffee, this man is fucking dangerous.
Do not get married to this man
I’m happy to finally update you! I asked for advice on your curious cat about dating a man that was basically a road man for ages. I managed to leave him and i’ve been focusing on myself. Alhamdulilah! I’m having meaningful interactions with actual men! None of that halfhearted nonsense. And the best thing about it is that even though i loved him so much, i’m so happy i saved myself and barely even let him hug me throughout the years. Although it’s haraam, i tried to cut the physical contact to the bare minimum and it makes me feel great that i didn’t lose myself over loving him. I’ve never been happier and i can’t wait to acc meet someone that will fulfill their role as a boyfriend/husband. Lol GIRLS PLS STAY AWAY FROM SHIT MEN.
Awwwwww YES I’m so happy for you!!