Sister I have a question regarding trying to rekindle a new and reformed relationship with my ex wife.
I got married at 23 years of age with little to not much experience or expectation on how the marriage was supposed to pan out. Due to the lack of knowledge I had and also my upbringing I was threatened with divorce regularly within the marriage which scarred me as I grew up in a single parent household and my biggest fear was divorce. Instead of dealing with the issues I disconnected myself which ultimately led to me divorcing my ex wife after a year of being married. I derailed and went through a major depression. I reached out to my ex wife and we began rebuilding a friendship this friendship was one of the most happiest I’ve been in my entire life but I had feelings for her. Every time I would bring it up she would dismiss my feelings towards her which was very difficult for me. I began trying to speak to her friends to try and get them to convince her to give me a opportunity not a chance to be with her once again. Unfortunately her friends weren’t the most helpful as it backfired on me and she completely shut me out of her life. A few months went by and I tried to contact her but she was dismissing me and insulting me every time I contacted her. Eventually she reached out and asked for her mehr. Even though she said she forgave the mehr in general. As I didn’t have much knowledge regarding the deen on the terms of the mehr. I agreed to do so and began paying once I was in a financial position to do so. Months went by as I paid and she reached out to me telling me that she was being harassed online which I have no clue about. After making her aware I don’t know where it’s coming from she began to tell me about individuals speaking negatively about her. I very much so in love with the person she was so I found it very disturbing that this was happening but at that time I don’t know what to believe as i took it as here-say eventually. A few months went by and we had another disagreement which led her to insulting me yet again and eventually I have no contact with her. I tried to move on by getting closer to Allah and leaving it to the most merciful. Then that’s when I began getting harassed online random women began telling me to pay the mehr I owe and also insulting me. I put my faith in Allah prayed and contacted her from a private number discussing the fact I was being harassed. She admitted that she did tell people I did not pay the mehr and the reason behind it was it wasn’t paid in full yet. I accepted it and continued paying. The last conversation we had was regarding the fact that she’s grown as a person and how I’m not over her after the divorce. Which I believe it’s nonsense. She then further explained how she is out going on dates and exploring her options which I’m not upset or angry about because I put my trust in Allah. I prayed the night prayer asking Allah to guide me through this calamity and if she is written for me to please give me a sign. I regularly dream about her and believe Allah is trying to give me a sign. I want my ex wife back eventually inshaAllah. I want her to be happy with or without me as she helped me in my times of need. I was not a good man when she put up with my behaviour whilst we was together but I developed and evolved as a man i used to lie manipulate and was not trust worthy but I learnt the virtues of being a great man. The question is will my ex wife ever give me this opportunity to start again weather it begins as a friendship or not.
Awwww this is so sad. I’m gonna try to be as honest with you as I can.
The truth is, your ex wife has mentally checked out of any relationship she ever had with you, probably even before she divorced you. Which would explain why she has treated you so terribly afterwards. I don’t know what she benefits from playing with your feelings, telling you she is dating – whilst still going to you for comfort. And then on top of that, speaking ill of you to other people? I know it might not seem like it, but I think you dodged a bullet wallahi.
You need to realise you really only missed the woman that used to be in love with you and not the one she turned into once you got divorced. The latter one didn’t love you at all anymore. The first one may have loved you as deeply as she could, but she is gone. That first person was never coming back. So the thing is, the divorce got rid of the latter version of her. It’s horrible still loving someone that has already moved on.
On top of that, I bet you the reason she is disregarding you so much is because she knows you still miss her and love her. Usually for girls, they don’t take break ups very well and its because most of us are scared the ex has already moved on. But she knows, at any moment, she can have you, making her healing process so much easier for her. She knows she’s not with you not because of a matter of circumstance or someone else making that decision for her, she’s moved on because she wants to move on. She’s excited to move on in fact.
My advice, find something to put all that emotion into constructively. Don’t bottle it up. Put it to use and gradually you’ll learn. I wish I could give you better words of encouragement, but just know you are a valuable person who deserves to be loved. Keep trying to move on, and hopefully one day it won’t hurt as much as it does now.
Cut the contact with her and keep your distance. Eventually you’ll stop missing someone when you never see them anymore. And then, you’ll just move on.
Anon
2 years ago
My mans attitude has changed over the past few weeks. Being more insensitive towards me, even called me a name the other day. I’m literally just over everything it’s too toxic for me. What shall i do?
If it’s too toxic for you, leave. I honestly don’t believe in teaching how someone should treat you before marriage. It’s either they are with it or not.
Whatever it’s like now, it’ll be x10 as much when you’re married.
Anon
2 years ago
What does it mean when a guy you’re talking to friends’ request you on ig? I don’t know if I’m overthinking it
Hmmm he probably just wants to pree, either way it still is a bit strange. Also says a lot about the kind of man you’re talking to if his friends can just randomly add you without you not meeting them yourself. Like what is he saying to his friends that make them so comfortable? bit weird imo
Anon
2 years ago
I don’t know if this is appropriate for this audience but I have to ask for some advice.
Hi. I’m 25(f) and my hubs is (27). We’ve been married for just over 3 years now. Alhamdullilah everything is great, he’s the best husband ever, but our sex life. Since the beginning it’s been a struggle. I have been patient with it all but right now I’m losing Patience.
As women, we have a certain week where your body just craves intimacy. Yes foreplay is on point however when it comes to the intimate part that’s where it all crumbles down. Every time we engage he always gets satisfied. No matter what. I on the other hand can count on my fingers how many times I’ve been sexually satisfied. Either he’s done in 5 secs or will have to pause in the middle because it’s to heightened for him which causes his private area to shrink and then I’m over it. There’s never any 2 second round.
We have spoken about it but it leads to us not being intimate for 2-3 months. It puts a wedge in us. He tells me he has tried several things like taking certain herbs or meds. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it because it’s embarrassing for the both of us.
I waited till marriage and I’ve been disappointed since. Maybe I had high expectations. I honestly don’t know what to do and I really don’t want to stay sexually dissatisfied for the rest of my life.
You need to be straightforward and ask him. Surely he knows you have rights to intimacy. Something is up, like seriously up. This might genuinely be the first conversation you guys have where you both need to be brutally honest with each other. Everything you’ve just said now, you need to say to him. Brutally.
Let him know that the longer this continues, he risks you falling out of love with him. Because that is what will happen eventually. And it will create fitna for you.
Islamically as well, this is actually grounds for a divorce. Prophet Muhammad pbuh actually advised a woman to divorce her husband because of her sexless marriage. The fact is Marriage and sex are tied. In Islam a sexless marriage, unless done by consent of both parties, is not allowed.
Also, find out maybe there’s something more to this that’s going on? Does he regularly watch porn that he has become detached from the real thing? Is it just because he is working all the time that now he’s tired? Honestly this is just one of those things you have to just sit down, be kind and come up with a solution with each other.
Schedule a date night once a week, and that you both HAVE to dress up for. Maybe that will both put you in the mood subconsciously, and each week you’ll be excited for the next date.
Anon
2 years ago
I know a sister who’s about to give birth and part of the cultural tradition is to have family visit the hospital during or just after the birth. So in knowing this, the sister has requested not to be a part of this. She wants to tell people from her family (this isn’t including her mum and the closest people to her) and her in laws not to visit the hospital because she feels that childbirth is a private and intimate time and she doesn’t want people visiting/seeing her when she’s vulnerable and in that state. She’s said that when she’s back at home and ready to receive family and friends, people are more than welcome to come see her and the baby. Some people think she’s being unreasonable and following western principles by thinking about herself and not considering how her family and in laws feelings will be hurt by this. Thoughts on this?
Your sister is an absolute G. This is definitely something I’ve always said I’d do when the time comes. I don’t care how much it’d bother my family, that’s a hill I’m willing to die over. That is one time in a woman’s life where they are physically, emotionally and mentally vulnerable, that to me it makes sense to take any measures that will prevent you from spiralling.
I feel like those first few weeks are something you don’t get back, and it’s up to you how you want to spend them and no one else. It’s fine for your family have different opinions, but they should absolutely keep them to themselves and not berate your sister for choosing to do things differently. Honestly I think the first few days, the only people that should be around you are your husband, your own mum and his mum. Everyone else can wait.
Idk if it’s just me that’s noticed it but culturally families can be very inconsiderate regarding the health & safety of new born babies. Like I don’t have time to be telling xyz to wash their hands, take off their coats, not cough around baby etc. I’d just not let you in the house LOL.
I wouldn’t even be nice about it, because when you are nice – no one will take your boundaries seriously.
Your sister should enjoy this time with her baby, and don’t give your family a second thought until later when she has got the time and headspace to deal with it.
Be ruthless!
Anon
2 years ago
My whole life people have babied me and never told me the truth to protect me from my feelings. I knew I wasn’t the most likeable person or attractive and I did make excuses for myself. My friends and family wouldn’t even tell me if I had bad odour during my depressive isolated states. I’m 28 single and I’m 7 months in my health journey and so far I’ve lost 65lbs. I was never happy with how I looked before even when my friends and family used to say I looked fine.
Is it normal to be angry because no one gave me a harsh reality check instead of being soft on me? I feel like I would have changed my life earlier if I had someone like that to be brutally honest with me. They have never been honest with me about anything
This is why I’m not a fan of coddling, I feel like it leaves you so unequipped to deal with this big bad world. Obviously, at least one person in your life should do that for you (slow you to be coddled). But you can’t walk around in life expecting everyone must do that for you. The world does not cater for anyone.
When you coddle someone too much, like you said they’ll often grow up insecure and lacking independence in ability to do things – depending on the kind of coddling.
For example, I was coddled because I was the youngest girl in the family, so I grew up having a bit of a lack of appreciation for money, sharing, dealing with my own emotional stability. It got considerably more better the moment half my family moved to hargeisa because my mum was working and I stayed in London to live with my Dad. I learnt how to be a functional adult and not be so childish
It’s okay to be angry and upset but at some point, you need to take some accountability. Otherwise you’re just continuing the cycle of babying yourself. When you place the blame on other people, you’re still gonna walk around absolving yourself of any responsibility, and in turn coddling your own feelings. Don’t enable yourself.
Now, keep something in your mind. You are not as helpless as you were made to believe. And it’s not wrong to commit mistakes in order to learn how to do something right. And despite what you were made to believe, it’s not wrong to be independent. Losing weight is not impossible. Working on being the most attractive version of yourself is not impossible. But it takes a lot of hard work and honesty to get there. Regardless you know now you’re not happy no matter how much people lie to you, so change it.
Anon
2 years ago
My husband makes 50k a year and I make 24k as a teacher. Alhamdulilah we live a good and aren’t struggling by any means. I recently sold land back home that I invested in along with dad and was given a large lump sum in the 6 figure range that I plan to save for our children. My husband however is angry with me because I didn’t offer to give him half despite me already helping him with some of the house bills. Now he wants me to go 50/50 towards everything because of this. When I refused he called me selfish and left the house. Am I in the wrong sis
You shouldn’t have even told him first and foremost.
But now that you did, I genuinely don’t even understand what his problem is. You literally said this is going towards your children he shares with you. Islamically you could have told him you’re keeping all of that for yourself, and he can’t say shit about it. You do not have any financial responsibility to him, but yet you are already helping out. What more could he possibly want from you?
If he’s unwilling to do his lion’s share now that you are financially secure, that might point to a power imbalance in your relationship. Maybe I’m not getting the full story. Maybe his accounts are not doing as well as you thought it was and yours are overflowing. I’m grasping at straws here, I really don’t understand his issue.
I think deep down his larger concern is that you’re financially protected. If you and your husband divorced, you are secure.
If your husband is unwilling to have the conversation or makes it difficult for you, I would honestly seek Islamic marriage counselling. Someone needs to remind him what his role is to the family in comparison to you. The fact he’s suddenly now asking for 50/50 shows that he doesn’t believe he should fulfil your rights as his wife.
Moving forward, he is clearly someone you can’t talk about your finances with. Move smarter next time
Anon
2 years ago
Hey I’m a 23yr old woman looking for advice on dating. I’m not generally shy but I feel like I really run away from dating particularly. It’s like I feel I’m going to embarrass myself and so I avoid guys that are interested in me and self sabotage. I want to be able to be more open to love and get better at appearing confident on dates but I need some practical tips on flirting/the kind of things to talk about but I feel like I’m past the age of asking ppl in real life cus I refrained from dating when I was younger(very scared of make attention, not sure why) so I’m feel like the only grown woman out here that’s clueless. Any tips on how to be and appear confident and dating etiquette Lool Am I overthinking ? I spend so much time thinking about my own actions I forget to really vet my dates. Im just so much more comfortable talking around women and quite shy around men idk it makes me feel crazy any advice is welcome thank you
Try to find a common interest or just talk about things you like that show off your personality. Also a lot of the time with confidence is just about faking it til you make it. If you acknowledge how nervous you are, you’ll stay nervous. Try not to sweat it too much if someone is not into you, because you’ll meet other guys, plenty of them. Stop thinking the first guy you like is gonna be your husband, because it’ll just make you more nervous. At the end of the day, as long as you remember you’re the prize here, you’ll eventually stop being nervous. In fact, that might actually make you more charming.
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sis,
I met a guy on a dating app. We were not from the same country, however our countries are neighbours. I asked him initially with this pose an issue and he had said no. We had got to know each other over the course of 3 months..yet I felt like there was no urgency on his part to see me or even future plans. When I asked him if he was financially ready…he said no and that he was saving money to buy his mom a house, and that it could take up to 2 years. Mind you he is in his 30s, and although it’s honourable that he wants to help out his single mom, I felt that he didn’t have a solid plan for his own future, nor did he have those future talks with me.He would say I will visit after the winter months have passed. The last time we spoke, I pressed him about 2 years for marriage…and he had got irritated. I told him that I was a practising person and that there would be no blessings from God if we just spoke for two years, also how could I ‘wait’ for this person if they were no progressing the relationship ( I.e like meeting my family). He would always say how he was done dirty by his ex who slow faded him after a year…and that he needed time to really know someone before jumping in a relationship. Long story short after that night, he completely ghosted me stoped answering my texts/calls after 3 months of daily calls and facetimes. He was such a kind individual, and for him to do that…it completely blind sided me. I am already someone who is traumatized from two relationships were a guy I was with married someone else in Somalia while in a relationship with me. The second cheated on me with my best friend. This ghosting has hit me so hard…and all the unhealed trauma just resurfaced. I think I am a kind and loving person…and I always go above and beyond. I can’t help but wonder why am I encountering such heartless people? When will I get my happy ending? Being in my late 20s I can’t help but feel marriage and kids that I so badly want aren’t in my future.. and that my emotional damage will prevent me from loving again.
I don’t know the context regarding your other relationships
However, based on what you have told me, if I am being completely honest, I can see why he ghosted you.
See it this way, this guy had plans in his own life and this did not match up to yours. He wanted to do his due diligence to his Mother before he committed to a marriage. Whether you like it or not, those are HIS PLANS. You can’t really dictate what he decides what his purpose is, likewise he can’t decide yours for you.
You can’t walk into people’s live’s and change what they want to do, and I think that’s your problem. He literally told you from the jump he wasn’t ready for marriage. What else did you want? You stuck around because you thought you could change his mind.
You feel defeated because it felt like he was holding your life hostage. You were ready to start settling down and he wasn’t. But the problem was you were the one allowing him to dictate when your life starts.
Have a bit of perspective here. He ghosted you because even after he told you he wasn’t ready financially, you still persisted. It’s bad enough he had to admit defeat, did you really expect him to stick around when he is constantly reminded of how he cannot fulfil your needs?
Stop sticking to a time schedule of when you should get married, because indirectly you just end up expecting too much from people and push them away. Go for people who are only committed to you, and leave the second that someone tells you they won’t.
Anon
2 years ago
How do you deal with a insecure and jealous sibling? People think having a sister is nice but my only sister is my biggest hater.
Take her off of all social media and block her. Stop telling your moves to your mum, keep all the good things you got going on- to yourself.
Apart from trying to limit your contact with toxic people, the only advice is to try your best to not let their bullshit get to you. Some people enjoy causing others harm. Don’t give her the pleasure of seeing you suffer.
When you treat her like she doesn’t exist, eventually she’ll get bored of trying to get a reaction from you
Asalam calaykum
Sister I have a question regarding trying to rekindle a new and reformed relationship with my ex wife.
I got married at 23 years of age with little to not much experience or expectation on how the marriage was supposed to pan out. Due to the lack of knowledge I had and also my upbringing I was threatened with divorce regularly within the marriage which scarred me as I grew up in a single parent household and my biggest fear was divorce. Instead of dealing with the issues I disconnected myself which ultimately led to me divorcing my ex wife after a year of being married. I derailed and went through a major depression. I reached out to my ex wife and we began rebuilding a friendship this friendship was one of the most happiest I’ve been in my entire life but I had feelings for her. Every time I would bring it up she would dismiss my feelings towards her which was very difficult for me. I began trying to speak to her friends to try and get them to convince her to give me a opportunity not a chance to be with her once again. Unfortunately her friends weren’t the most helpful as it backfired on me and she completely shut me out of her life. A few months went by and I tried to contact her but she was dismissing me and insulting me every time I contacted her. Eventually she reached out and asked for her mehr. Even though she said she forgave the mehr in general. As I didn’t have much knowledge regarding the deen on the terms of the mehr. I agreed to do so and began paying once I was in a financial position to do so. Months went by as I paid and she reached out to me telling me that she was being harassed online which I have no clue about. After making her aware I don’t know where it’s coming from she began to tell me about individuals speaking negatively about her. I very much so in love with the person she was so I found it very disturbing that this was happening but at that time I don’t know what to believe as i took it as here-say eventually. A few months went by and we had another disagreement which led her to insulting me yet again and eventually I have no contact with her. I tried to move on by getting closer to Allah and leaving it to the most merciful. Then that’s when I began getting harassed online random women began telling me to pay the mehr I owe and also insulting me. I put my faith in Allah prayed and contacted her from a private number discussing the fact I was being harassed. She admitted that she did tell people I did not pay the mehr and the reason behind it was it wasn’t paid in full yet. I accepted it and continued paying. The last conversation we had was regarding the fact that she’s grown as a person and how I’m not over her after the divorce. Which I believe it’s nonsense. She then further explained how she is out going on dates and exploring her options which I’m not upset or angry about because I put my trust in Allah. I prayed the night prayer asking Allah to guide me through this calamity and if she is written for me to please give me a sign. I regularly dream about her and believe Allah is trying to give me a sign. I want my ex wife back eventually inshaAllah. I want her to be happy with or without me as she helped me in my times of need. I was not a good man when she put up with my behaviour whilst we was together but I developed and evolved as a man i used to lie manipulate and was not trust worthy but I learnt the virtues of being a great man. The question is will my ex wife ever give me this opportunity to start again weather it begins as a friendship or not.
Awwww this is so sad. I’m gonna try to be as honest with you as I can.
The truth is, your ex wife has mentally checked out of any relationship she ever had with you, probably even before she divorced you. Which would explain why she has treated you so terribly afterwards. I don’t know what she benefits from playing with your feelings, telling you she is dating – whilst still going to you for comfort. And then on top of that, speaking ill of you to other people? I know it might not seem like it, but I think you dodged a bullet wallahi.
You need to realise you really only missed the woman that used to be in love with you and not the one she turned into once you got divorced. The latter one didn’t love you at all anymore. The first one may have loved you as deeply as she could, but she is gone. That first person was never coming back. So the thing is, the divorce got rid of the latter version of her. It’s horrible still loving someone that has already moved on.
On top of that, I bet you the reason she is disregarding you so much is because she knows you still miss her and love her. Usually for girls, they don’t take break ups very well and its because most of us are scared the ex has already moved on. But she knows, at any moment, she can have you, making her healing process so much easier for her. She knows she’s not with you not because of a matter of circumstance or someone else making that decision for her, she’s moved on because she wants to move on. She’s excited to move on in fact.
My advice, find something to put all that emotion into constructively. Don’t bottle it up. Put it to use and gradually you’ll learn. I wish I could give you better words of encouragement, but just know you are a valuable person who deserves to be loved. Keep trying to move on, and hopefully one day it won’t hurt as much as it does now.
Cut the contact with her and keep your distance. Eventually you’ll stop missing someone when you never see them anymore. And then, you’ll just move on.
My mans attitude has changed over the past few weeks. Being more insensitive towards me, even called me a name the other day. I’m literally just over everything it’s too toxic for me. What shall i do?
If it’s too toxic for you, leave. I honestly don’t believe in teaching how someone should treat you before marriage. It’s either they are with it or not.
Whatever it’s like now, it’ll be x10 as much when you’re married.
What does it mean when a guy you’re talking to friends’ request you on ig? I don’t know if I’m overthinking it
Hmmm he probably just wants to pree, either way it still is a bit strange. Also says a lot about the kind of man you’re talking to if his friends can just randomly add you without you not meeting them yourself. Like what is he saying to his friends that make them so comfortable? bit weird imo
I don’t know if this is appropriate for this audience but I have to ask for some advice.
Hi. I’m 25(f) and my hubs is (27). We’ve been married for just over 3 years now. Alhamdullilah everything is great, he’s the best husband ever, but our sex life. Since the beginning it’s been a struggle. I have been patient with it all but right now I’m losing Patience.
As women, we have a certain week where your body just craves intimacy. Yes foreplay is on point however when it comes to the intimate part that’s where it all crumbles down. Every time we engage he always gets satisfied. No matter what. I on the other hand can count on my fingers how many times I’ve been sexually satisfied. Either he’s done in 5 secs or will have to pause in the middle because it’s to heightened for him which causes his private area to shrink and then I’m over it. There’s never any 2 second round.
We have spoken about it but it leads to us not being intimate for 2-3 months. It puts a wedge in us. He tells me he has tried several things like taking certain herbs or meds. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it because it’s embarrassing for the both of us.
I waited till marriage and I’ve been disappointed since. Maybe I had high expectations. I honestly don’t know what to do and I really don’t want to stay sexually dissatisfied for the rest of my life.
Thank you
You need to be straightforward and ask him. Surely he knows you have rights to intimacy. Something is up, like seriously up. This might genuinely be the first conversation you guys have where you both need to be brutally honest with each other. Everything you’ve just said now, you need to say to him. Brutally.
Let him know that the longer this continues, he risks you falling out of love with him. Because that is what will happen eventually. And it will create fitna for you.
Islamically as well, this is actually grounds for a divorce. Prophet Muhammad pbuh actually advised a woman to divorce her husband because of her sexless marriage. The fact is Marriage and sex are tied. In Islam a sexless marriage, unless done by consent of both parties, is not allowed.
Also, find out maybe there’s something more to this that’s going on? Does he regularly watch porn that he has become detached from the real thing? Is it just because he is working all the time that now he’s tired? Honestly this is just one of those things you have to just sit down, be kind and come up with a solution with each other.
Schedule a date night once a week, and that you both HAVE to dress up for. Maybe that will both put you in the mood subconsciously, and each week you’ll be excited for the next date.
I know a sister who’s about to give birth and part of the cultural tradition is to have family visit the hospital during or just after the birth. So in knowing this, the sister has requested not to be a part of this. She wants to tell people from her family (this isn’t including her mum and the closest people to her) and her in laws not to visit the hospital because she feels that childbirth is a private and intimate time and she doesn’t want people visiting/seeing her when she’s vulnerable and in that state. She’s said that when she’s back at home and ready to receive family and friends, people are more than welcome to come see her and the baby. Some people think she’s being unreasonable and following western principles by thinking about herself and not considering how her family and in laws feelings will be hurt by this. Thoughts on this?
Your sister is an absolute G. This is definitely something I’ve always said I’d do when the time comes. I don’t care how much it’d bother my family, that’s a hill I’m willing to die over. That is one time in a woman’s life where they are physically, emotionally and mentally vulnerable, that to me it makes sense to take any measures that will prevent you from spiralling.
I feel like those first few weeks are something you don’t get back, and it’s up to you how you want to spend them and no one else. It’s fine for your family have different opinions, but they should absolutely keep them to themselves and not berate your sister for choosing to do things differently. Honestly I think the first few days, the only people that should be around you are your husband, your own mum and his mum. Everyone else can wait.
Idk if it’s just me that’s noticed it but culturally families can be very inconsiderate regarding the health & safety of new born babies. Like I don’t have time to be telling xyz to wash their hands, take off their coats, not cough around baby etc. I’d just not let you in the house LOL.
I wouldn’t even be nice about it, because when you are nice – no one will take your boundaries seriously.
Your sister should enjoy this time with her baby, and don’t give your family a second thought until later when she has got the time and headspace to deal with it.
Be ruthless!
My whole life people have babied me and never told me the truth to protect me from my feelings. I knew I wasn’t the most likeable person or attractive and I did make excuses for myself. My friends and family wouldn’t even tell me if I had bad odour during my depressive isolated states. I’m 28 single and I’m 7 months in my health journey and so far I’ve lost 65lbs. I was never happy with how I looked before even when my friends and family used to say I looked fine.
Is it normal to be angry because no one gave me a harsh reality check instead of being soft on me? I feel like I would have changed my life earlier if I had someone like that to be brutally honest with me. They have never been honest with me about anything
This is why I’m not a fan of coddling, I feel like it leaves you so unequipped to deal with this big bad world. Obviously, at least one person in your life should do that for you (slow you to be coddled). But you can’t walk around in life expecting everyone must do that for you. The world does not cater for anyone.
When you coddle someone too much, like you said they’ll often grow up insecure and lacking independence in ability to do things – depending on the kind of coddling.
For example, I was coddled because I was the youngest girl in the family, so I grew up having a bit of a lack of appreciation for money, sharing, dealing with my own emotional stability. It got considerably more better the moment half my family moved to hargeisa because my mum was working and I stayed in London to live with my Dad. I learnt how to be a functional adult and not be so childish
It’s okay to be angry and upset but at some point, you need to take some accountability. Otherwise you’re just continuing the cycle of babying yourself. When you place the blame on other people, you’re still gonna walk around absolving yourself of any responsibility, and in turn coddling your own feelings. Don’t enable yourself.
Now, keep something in your mind. You are not as helpless as you were made to believe. And it’s not wrong to commit mistakes in order to learn how to do something right. And despite what you were made to believe, it’s not wrong to be independent. Losing weight is not impossible. Working on being the most attractive version of yourself is not impossible. But it takes a lot of hard work and honesty to get there. Regardless you know now you’re not happy no matter how much people lie to you, so change it.
My husband makes 50k a year and I make 24k as a teacher. Alhamdulilah we live a good and aren’t struggling by any means. I recently sold land back home that I invested in along with dad and was given a large lump sum in the 6 figure range that I plan to save for our children. My husband however is angry with me because I didn’t offer to give him half despite me already helping him with some of the house bills. Now he wants me to go 50/50 towards everything because of this. When I refused he called me selfish and left the house. Am I in the wrong sis
You shouldn’t have even told him first and foremost.
But now that you did, I genuinely don’t even understand what his problem is. You literally said this is going towards your children he shares with you. Islamically you could have told him you’re keeping all of that for yourself, and he can’t say shit about it. You do not have any financial responsibility to him, but yet you are already helping out. What more could he possibly want from you?
If he’s unwilling to do his lion’s share now that you are financially secure, that might point to a power imbalance in your relationship. Maybe I’m not getting the full story. Maybe his accounts are not doing as well as you thought it was and yours are overflowing. I’m grasping at straws here, I really don’t understand his issue.
I think deep down his larger concern is that you’re financially protected. If you and your husband divorced, you are secure.
If your husband is unwilling to have the conversation or makes it difficult for you, I would honestly seek Islamic marriage counselling. Someone needs to remind him what his role is to the family in comparison to you. The fact he’s suddenly now asking for 50/50 shows that he doesn’t believe he should fulfil your rights as his wife.
Moving forward, he is clearly someone you can’t talk about your finances with. Move smarter next time
Hey I’m a 23yr old woman looking for advice on dating. I’m not generally shy but I feel like I really run away from dating particularly. It’s like I feel I’m going to embarrass myself and so I avoid guys that are interested in me and self sabotage. I want to be able to be more open to love and get better at appearing confident on dates but I need some practical tips on flirting/the kind of things to talk about but I feel like I’m past the age of asking ppl in real life cus I refrained from dating when I was younger(very scared of make attention, not sure why) so I’m feel like the only grown woman out here that’s clueless. Any tips on how to be and appear confident and dating etiquette Lool Am I overthinking ? I spend so much time thinking about my own actions I forget to really vet my dates. Im just so much more comfortable talking around women and quite shy around men idk it makes me feel crazy any advice is welcome thank you
Try to find a common interest or just talk about things you like that show off your personality. Also a lot of the time with confidence is just about faking it til you make it. If you acknowledge how nervous you are, you’ll stay nervous. Try not to sweat it too much if someone is not into you, because you’ll meet other guys, plenty of them. Stop thinking the first guy you like is gonna be your husband, because it’ll just make you more nervous. At the end of the day, as long as you remember you’re the prize here, you’ll eventually stop being nervous. In fact, that might actually make you more charming.
Salam sis,
I met a guy on a dating app. We were not from the same country, however our countries are neighbours. I asked him initially with this pose an issue and he had said no. We had got to know each other over the course of 3 months..yet I felt like there was no urgency on his part to see me or even future plans. When I asked him if he was financially ready…he said no and that he was saving money to buy his mom a house, and that it could take up to 2 years. Mind you he is in his 30s, and although it’s honourable that he wants to help out his single mom, I felt that he didn’t have a solid plan for his own future, nor did he have those future talks with me.He would say I will visit after the winter months have passed. The last time we spoke, I pressed him about 2 years for marriage…and he had got irritated. I told him that I was a practising person and that there would be no blessings from God if we just spoke for two years, also how could I ‘wait’ for this person if they were no progressing the relationship ( I.e like meeting my family). He would always say how he was done dirty by his ex who slow faded him after a year…and that he needed time to really know someone before jumping in a relationship. Long story short after that night, he completely ghosted me stoped answering my texts/calls after 3 months of daily calls and facetimes. He was such a kind individual, and for him to do that…it completely blind sided me. I am already someone who is traumatized from two relationships were a guy I was with married someone else in Somalia while in a relationship with me. The second cheated on me with my best friend. This ghosting has hit me so hard…and all the unhealed trauma just resurfaced. I think I am a kind and loving person…and I always go above and beyond. I can’t help but wonder why am I encountering such heartless people? When will I get my happy ending? Being in my late 20s I can’t help but feel marriage and kids that I so badly want aren’t in my future.. and that my emotional damage will prevent me from loving again.
I don’t know the context regarding your other relationships
However, based on what you have told me, if I am being completely honest, I can see why he ghosted you.
See it this way, this guy had plans in his own life and this did not match up to yours. He wanted to do his due diligence to his Mother before he committed to a marriage. Whether you like it or not, those are HIS PLANS. You can’t really dictate what he decides what his purpose is, likewise he can’t decide yours for you.
You can’t walk into people’s live’s and change what they want to do, and I think that’s your problem. He literally told you from the jump he wasn’t ready for marriage. What else did you want? You stuck around because you thought you could change his mind.
You feel defeated because it felt like he was holding your life hostage. You were ready to start settling down and he wasn’t. But the problem was you were the one allowing him to dictate when your life starts.
Have a bit of perspective here. He ghosted you because even after he told you he wasn’t ready financially, you still persisted. It’s bad enough he had to admit defeat, did you really expect him to stick around when he is constantly reminded of how he cannot fulfil your needs?
Stop sticking to a time schedule of when you should get married, because indirectly you just end up expecting too much from people and push them away. Go for people who are only committed to you, and leave the second that someone tells you they won’t.
How do you deal with a insecure and jealous sibling? People think having a sister is nice but my only sister is my biggest hater.
Take her off of all social media and block her. Stop telling your moves to your mum, keep all the good things you got going on- to yourself.
Apart from trying to limit your contact with toxic people, the only advice is to try your best to not let their bullshit get to you. Some people enjoy causing others harm. Don’t give her the pleasure of seeing you suffer.
When you treat her like she doesn’t exist, eventually she’ll get bored of trying to get a reaction from you