There’s this guy that I have known for around 3 years now, we used to talk but eventually stopped however he would always reach out. A few weeks ago he reached out again and we spoke. He immediately told me his intentions are to marry me and from that moment on he has told me everything about him even the things he does not have to tell me about. However I on the other hand am having trouble opening up which he has mentioned, I’m a very closed off and reserved person who doesn’t like telling people things about me so how would I go about telling him stuff to do with me? It’s like every time I want to something in me is not letting me. He mentioned that he wants to hear stories of my day to day life basically anything that happens, but I find that hard because absolutely no one has ever expected that from me. The only person that I ever tell about my day to day life is my best friend so I think I’ll find it a bit difficult to begin to tell him things like that.
The thing is, you can’t date someone without opening up. Those two things go hand in hand.
I always say to people in the beginning, no one knows you anything. You expect people very early on to fight enough for you to bring down your walls when they don’t really owe you anything. For me anyways, those type of people used to become very boring for me quite quickly. Opening up sounds scary but no one is asking for you to share your deepest and darkest secrets unprovoked. Opening up for me is being comfortable enough to talk about anything. Talk about a weird encounter you’ve had that day or something you’ve always wanted to do. Try expressing your feelings more, from time to time, remind him of something you like about him, take your time, i think this will make things easier and you will get accustomed to it.
Anon
2 years ago
Embarrassed to write this but here goes. There’s a guy that I like he lives in another State, I’ve met him once at a mutual gathering. He’s attractive, smart etc. He fits my description of a decent guy. I talked to him once in a public setting but never formally introduced myself. I saw him a couple days later at a friend get together all cuddly and comfortable with a girl. This was last summer and neither of them (the girl and him) is married. I was hurt, and was like let them be and I closed off that crush. Anyways I’m now 28 and time is ticking. I want to get married and I see him as the only eligible bachelor. Our mutuals said it would be weird to introduce the two of us out of the blue. I don’t really have any social media that I could add him on and shoot my shot. Any advice on how to approach him? Should I move on?
You need to start putting yourself out there. To me that’s means making it clear that you’re looking. Sitting around and waiting for someone to straight up ask you out only works for some people. Why wait when you could just go out there and get what you want? Tell your friends, tell your family, and tell people you work with that you may need wingman help or even a setup. Because look at it this way, if you don’t take your chance another girl will.
Next time you see him, say something really funny or reply to his story just to get the conversation going. That should be your foot in the door. Then you can start asking him about himself and what he does. And if he’s interested, he’ll ask for your details.
Anon
2 years ago
Asc
I’ve been blocked on everywhere due some dumb stuff on my behalf for a while now and I like this girl a lot, so do you have any advice for me sister and thank you.
What did you do sir? Girl’s don’t block men for no reason unless they’re being weird
Anon
2 years ago
Hey Sis, I’ve been dealing with serious mental health problems over the last 5 years. A lot of my problems are deep rooted and has to do my own perspective of myself. I’m really insecure and cannot fathom why anyone would want to get to know me, let alone seek a romantic relationship with me. I’ve never dated before because I run away from any attempt of getting into a relationship. Recently restarted therapy again (my 4th time). I’m not sure whether I’ll even get close to connecting with anyone on a romantic level because of all the walls.
Sis, you have to physically do something in order to change your situation. Ultimately you must decide, here and now, what you want your life to look like at 30… at 35… at 40… 50… and so on.
You say you lack self-confidence, and my response is that you must force yourself to be uncomfortable for however long it takes to become the person that your awesome future self will be. I guarantee you that whatever physical, mental and emotional pain you endure will not match the happiness you’ll feel once you’ve gotten over that finish line.
Start by making a list of things that represent the best version of yourself. How will he look and act? How does she feel? Anxiety is just one of those things that can spiral out of control if you yourself don’t put a stop to it. No one can help you other than you. Life is not an open-and-shut concept that is entirely self-contained. It’s a process that evolves every day you’re living it, with you in the centre and the rest of your universe being created every second around you. When you begin to realise that you have control over ALL of it: every interaction, every second, every choice in your life, you will begin to see the results of that control manifest into reality.
You lack confidence? Work on improving your physical appearance so you believe that you are something worth being confident about. Hit the gym, buy new clothes, wear make up. Wallahi its true what they say, if you don’t look good, you won’t feel good. Relationships and other things like that will only start to fall into to place once you are finally confident within yourself.
Anon
2 years ago
I need help, I am trying to talk less to avoid sin but I’m finding myself in conversation where there is gossip. My friends and I would talk behind people (May Allah forgive us) and I cant do this anymore, I didn’t see anything wrong with this in the past since it was a regular part of our conversation but now, as I educate myself on how harmful the tongue can be, it hurts my heart when I’m in a situation where backbiting is happening. My friends in question have been my friends for 10+ years so I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to backbite but it seems as though majority of our conversations go this way.
You don’t need to cut them off, just don’t be around them if there’s nothing to do.
There’s a saying ‘idle hands are the devil’s playthings’. Basically means someone who is unoccupied and bored will find mischief.
When you do go out with them, try to lead the conversation. Talk about the things you want to talk avout and avoid that which you don’t. Do activities with each other instead of just sitting around and gossiping.
Also, maybe try to get closer to the deen together, that way – you guys can check each other when you’re going wrong. “Guys you know its not good to backbite, lets stop.” – Try to approach your friends with a more mindful and understanding mindset. Direct them, edit their words out from what is relevant and what is not.
Anon
2 years ago
Is it weird if a single guy in his mid 20s is living by himself?
Horta why are you guys so hell bent on trying to find things wrong with men instead of just enjoying looool
If he lives by himself, that means he knows how to look after a home without having his mum cook or clean for him. He’s financially responsible. And he’s doing this only in his mid twenties?? He sounds like a catch to me
Anon
2 years ago
Is it rude to not want to marry a divorced guy?
And what should you find out about the guy if you are interested?
If he’s bitter and dragging around a lot of baggage, or if the reason he divorced is because he is a bad judge of character/bad at relationships, then I don’t want to date him. Essentially, the divorce isn’t what matters, but it is an indication that there could be problems.
But for most divorced men, they might be more serious in terms of dating. They understand the seriousness of a relationship finally and had to learn the hard way. So if they are willing to go for round 2, they are serious this time. They usually are not opposed to a family and they have figured out what joint finances look like.
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sis,
I have a bit of a weird one. My fiancé (we have been together for 4 years now) really dislikes taking pictures. He has refused to take a picture with me our whole relationship. He doesn’t like to be filmed / photographed candidly either. I completely respect his boundary but I would be lying if I said it isn’t really hurtful. Is it crazy to say I don’t know if I can marry someone who will never take a picture with me? I have nothing to show our future kids. Whenever my friends or family asked, I’d make up an excuse because I was so embarrassed. Could you please help?
Maybe he doesn’t find himself particularly photogenic and looking at pictures of himself brings up old issues of self-esteem. Maybe you ask him to take pictures or stop to do so, or bring it up more often than you think you do and it’s gone from interesting hobby to the only thing you talk about. Maybe he’s one of those people that thinks we all, as a society, take too many selfies and pictures of things and events without actually experiencing any of them just because we have access to a camera in our pocket. I have no earthly idea what his reasoning is because I’m not him so I will avoid projecting any of that, but say they’re all possibilities.
What I DO know is that if he’s uncomfortable doing something, whether other people seem to be fine with it, that’s his right as a sentient, independent human being and you have no right to force him to. If that’s enough to not want to get married to someone, than that’s your prerogative of course, but that has nothing to do with him. Personal preference – he’s under no more obligation to budge than you would be. You accept it and move forwards, or you don’t and you date someone else. But you can’t “fix” him or the situation.
Anon
2 years ago
I’m a young man and I find women confusing at the best of times. I was hoping you could tell me how I know if this girl likes me or whether all I am seeing is what I’m looking for? For some context we try keep it halal so no meet ups (ideally, have fallen off once) and mainly phonecalls.
I hope you can help me and may allah bless you abundantly and protect you and your spouse from harm.
Generally speaking us women won’t come right out and tell men that they like them for a whileee. It’s unfortunate, I mean are you surprised? Women aren’t really allowed to 100% pursue a man without being called a hoe so much safer to let the men approach you first.
But even though women aren’t very forward, luckily, they still like you and will give hints and throw subtleties your way, hoping that you’ll pick up on what’s going on and make a move. I know guys who see this are likely to say well I cba and it’ll feel like a waste of time but what other options do you have lmao. The chances of a girl saying she likes you and wants to go out with you before you’ve even had a chance to say anything are very fucking rare. Wait for that kind of person and you’ll probably be waiting for a very long time
But typically if a girl really likes you, she’ll put herself in your orbit. She’ll go out of her way to find excuses to be around you. She’ll look for opportunities to touch your hand for example. Things like that.
Eye contact. She is always looking at you
Constantly joking around about how much she hates you, when no she actually likes you. A lot.
Anon
2 years ago
It was never my place expose a guy and I did. I thought I was protecting another girl instead I just seem like the psycho ex. My intentions were nothing but pure and I didn’t want another girl to get mistreated. But there were two incorrect facts and I found out afterwards but the rest were true. Me and a few other girls were mistreated by him, so I lowkey wanted to just protect them.
Yeah, I won’t lie to you – this is very bad vibes. This is why you should have minded your business.
This new girlfriend is capable of making her own opinions about her boyfriend. If she had asked you for your opinion on him then that’s your QUE to let her know, because she came to you. But you and your congregation of bitter women went out of your way to come find her and that to me, is rude.
How do you know you guys weren’t the relationship fluffers, and she was the one he wanted to take seriously? Are we gonna act like men don’t do that regularly? Are dating a bunch of girls at once and then all of a sudden they get married???
The funniest part of this whole thing is, you lot were wrong. Your facts weren’t even correct. Be honest with yourself, you don’t care about this new girl enough to protect her – you just don’t want your ex to move on. And your going out your way to fuck shit up for him.
There’s this guy that I have known for around 3 years now, we used to talk but eventually stopped however he would always reach out. A few weeks ago he reached out again and we spoke. He immediately told me his intentions are to marry me and from that moment on he has told me everything about him even the things he does not have to tell me about. However I on the other hand am having trouble opening up which he has mentioned, I’m a very closed off and reserved person who doesn’t like telling people things about me so how would I go about telling him stuff to do with me? It’s like every time I want to something in me is not letting me. He mentioned that he wants to hear stories of my day to day life basically anything that happens, but I find that hard because absolutely no one has ever expected that from me. The only person that I ever tell about my day to day life is my best friend so I think I’ll find it a bit difficult to begin to tell him things like that.
The thing is, you can’t date someone without opening up. Those two things go hand in hand.
I always say to people in the beginning, no one knows you anything. You expect people very early on to fight enough for you to bring down your walls when they don’t really owe you anything. For me anyways, those type of people used to become very boring for me quite quickly. Opening up sounds scary but no one is asking for you to share your deepest and darkest secrets unprovoked. Opening up for me is being comfortable enough to talk about anything. Talk about a weird encounter you’ve had that day or something you’ve always wanted to do. Try expressing your feelings more, from time to time, remind him of something you like about him, take your time, i think this will make things easier and you will get accustomed to it.
Embarrassed to write this but here goes. There’s a guy that I like he lives in another State, I’ve met him once at a mutual gathering. He’s attractive, smart etc. He fits my description of a decent guy. I talked to him once in a public setting but never formally introduced myself. I saw him a couple days later at a friend get together all cuddly and comfortable with a girl. This was last summer and neither of them (the girl and him) is married. I was hurt, and was like let them be and I closed off that crush. Anyways I’m now 28 and time is ticking. I want to get married and I see him as the only eligible bachelor. Our mutuals said it would be weird to introduce the two of us out of the blue. I don’t really have any social media that I could add him on and shoot my shot. Any advice on how to approach him? Should I move on?
You need to start putting yourself out there. To me that’s means making it clear that you’re looking. Sitting around and waiting for someone to straight up ask you out only works for some people. Why wait when you could just go out there and get what you want? Tell your friends, tell your family, and tell people you work with that you may need wingman help or even a setup. Because look at it this way, if you don’t take your chance another girl will.
Next time you see him, say something really funny or reply to his story just to get the conversation going. That should be your foot in the door. Then you can start asking him about himself and what he does. And if he’s interested, he’ll ask for your details.
Asc
I’ve been blocked on everywhere due some dumb stuff on my behalf for a while now and I like this girl a lot, so do you have any advice for me sister and thank you.
I need context.
What did you do sir? Girl’s don’t block men for no reason unless they’re being weird
Hey Sis, I’ve been dealing with serious mental health problems over the last 5 years. A lot of my problems are deep rooted and has to do my own perspective of myself. I’m really insecure and cannot fathom why anyone would want to get to know me, let alone seek a romantic relationship with me. I’ve never dated before because I run away from any attempt of getting into a relationship. Recently restarted therapy again (my 4th time). I’m not sure whether I’ll even get close to connecting with anyone on a romantic level because of all the walls.
Awwww
Sis, you have to physically do something in order to change your situation. Ultimately you must decide, here and now, what you want your life to look like at 30… at 35… at 40… 50… and so on.
You say you lack self-confidence, and my response is that you must force yourself to be uncomfortable for however long it takes to become the person that your awesome future self will be. I guarantee you that whatever physical, mental and emotional pain you endure will not match the happiness you’ll feel once you’ve gotten over that finish line.
Start by making a list of things that represent the best version of yourself. How will he look and act? How does she feel? Anxiety is just one of those things that can spiral out of control if you yourself don’t put a stop to it. No one can help you other than you. Life is not an open-and-shut concept that is entirely self-contained. It’s a process that evolves every day you’re living it, with you in the centre and the rest of your universe being created every second around you. When you begin to realise that you have control over ALL of it: every interaction, every second, every choice in your life, you will begin to see the results of that control manifest into reality.
You lack confidence? Work on improving your physical appearance so you believe that you are something worth being confident about. Hit the gym, buy new clothes, wear make up. Wallahi its true what they say, if you don’t look good, you won’t feel good. Relationships and other things like that will only start to fall into to place once you are finally confident within yourself.
I need help, I am trying to talk less to avoid sin but I’m finding myself in conversation where there is gossip. My friends and I would talk behind people (May Allah forgive us) and I cant do this anymore, I didn’t see anything wrong with this in the past since it was a regular part of our conversation but now, as I educate myself on how harmful the tongue can be, it hurts my heart when I’m in a situation where backbiting is happening. My friends in question have been my friends for 10+ years so I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to backbite but it seems as though majority of our conversations go this way.
You don’t need to cut them off, just don’t be around them if there’s nothing to do.
There’s a saying ‘idle hands are the devil’s playthings’. Basically means someone who is unoccupied and bored will find mischief.
When you do go out with them, try to lead the conversation. Talk about the things you want to talk avout and avoid that which you don’t. Do activities with each other instead of just sitting around and gossiping.
Also, maybe try to get closer to the deen together, that way – you guys can check each other when you’re going wrong. “Guys you know its not good to backbite, lets stop.” – Try to approach your friends with a more mindful and understanding mindset. Direct them, edit their words out from what is relevant and what is not.
Is it weird if a single guy in his mid 20s is living by himself?
No?
Horta why are you guys so hell bent on trying to find things wrong with men instead of just enjoying looool
If he lives by himself, that means he knows how to look after a home without having his mum cook or clean for him. He’s financially responsible. And he’s doing this only in his mid twenties?? He sounds like a catch to me
Is it rude to not want to marry a divorced guy?
And what should you find out about the guy if you are interested?
It depends on the person to be honest.
If he’s bitter and dragging around a lot of baggage, or if the reason he divorced is because he is a bad judge of character/bad at relationships, then I don’t want to date him. Essentially, the divorce isn’t what matters, but it is an indication that there could be problems.
But for most divorced men, they might be more serious in terms of dating. They understand the seriousness of a relationship finally and had to learn the hard way. So if they are willing to go for round 2, they are serious this time. They usually are not opposed to a family and they have figured out what joint finances look like.
Salam sis,
I have a bit of a weird one. My fiancé (we have been together for 4 years now) really dislikes taking pictures. He has refused to take a picture with me our whole relationship. He doesn’t like to be filmed / photographed candidly either. I completely respect his boundary but I would be lying if I said it isn’t really hurtful. Is it crazy to say I don’t know if I can marry someone who will never take a picture with me? I have nothing to show our future kids. Whenever my friends or family asked, I’d make up an excuse because I was so embarrassed. Could you please help?
Maybe he doesn’t find himself particularly photogenic and looking at pictures of himself brings up old issues of self-esteem. Maybe you ask him to take pictures or stop to do so, or bring it up more often than you think you do and it’s gone from interesting hobby to the only thing you talk about. Maybe he’s one of those people that thinks we all, as a society, take too many selfies and pictures of things and events without actually experiencing any of them just because we have access to a camera in our pocket. I have no earthly idea what his reasoning is because I’m not him so I will avoid projecting any of that, but say they’re all possibilities.
What I DO know is that if he’s uncomfortable doing something, whether other people seem to be fine with it, that’s his right as a sentient, independent human being and you have no right to force him to. If that’s enough to not want to get married to someone, than that’s your prerogative of course, but that has nothing to do with him. Personal preference – he’s under no more obligation to budge than you would be. You accept it and move forwards, or you don’t and you date someone else. But you can’t “fix” him or the situation.
I’m a young man and I find women confusing at the best of times. I was hoping you could tell me how I know if this girl likes me or whether all I am seeing is what I’m looking for? For some context we try keep it halal so no meet ups (ideally, have fallen off once) and mainly phonecalls.
I hope you can help me and may allah bless you abundantly and protect you and your spouse from harm.
Ameen ! Thank you for your duas and kind words 🙂
Generally speaking us women won’t come right out and tell men that they like them for a whileee. It’s unfortunate, I mean are you surprised? Women aren’t really allowed to 100% pursue a man without being called a hoe so much safer to let the men approach you first.
But even though women aren’t very forward, luckily, they still like you and will give hints and throw subtleties your way, hoping that you’ll pick up on what’s going on and make a move. I know guys who see this are likely to say well I cba and it’ll feel like a waste of time but what other options do you have lmao. The chances of a girl saying she likes you and wants to go out with you before you’ve even had a chance to say anything are very fucking rare. Wait for that kind of person and you’ll probably be waiting for a very long time
But typically if a girl really likes you, she’ll put herself in your orbit. She’ll go out of her way to find excuses to be around you. She’ll look for opportunities to touch your hand for example. Things like that.
Eye contact. She is always looking at you
Constantly joking around about how much she hates you, when no she actually likes you. A lot.
It was never my place expose a guy and I did. I thought I was protecting another girl instead I just seem like the psycho ex. My intentions were nothing but pure and I didn’t want another girl to get mistreated. But there were two incorrect facts and I found out afterwards but the rest were true. Me and a few other girls were mistreated by him, so I lowkey wanted to just protect them.
Yeah, I won’t lie to you – this is very bad vibes. This is why you should have minded your business.
This new girlfriend is capable of making her own opinions about her boyfriend. If she had asked you for your opinion on him then that’s your QUE to let her know, because she came to you. But you and your congregation of bitter women went out of your way to come find her and that to me, is rude.
How do you know you guys weren’t the relationship fluffers, and she was the one he wanted to take seriously? Are we gonna act like men don’t do that regularly? Are dating a bunch of girls at once and then all of a sudden they get married???
The funniest part of this whole thing is, you lot were wrong. Your facts weren’t even correct. Be honest with yourself, you don’t care about this new girl enough to protect her – you just don’t want your ex to move on. And your going out your way to fuck shit up for him.
My advice to you is: move on girl