Salam sister! My ex and I broke up 4 years ago, and I pretty much told him I’d get back together with him if he wanted. I wanted to marry him, he told me he wanted to marry me too but wasn’t ready because we were too young. I was heart broken for a long time. I’m now happy and moved on, I have a new man and we’ve been together for 8 months, I rarely ‘date’ (hence the long gap), I only entertain people with the idea of marriage. My ex just found out I am seeing someone else, knowing that I only seriously speak to people I want to marry, and decided to hit me up on Eid. I didn’t respond. He never hit me up in Eid for the last few years while I was single & hoping he would send an Eid Mubarak text. Should I block him? Bc I think he just wants to have access to me and I’m angry at him for only speaking to me when someone else was in the picture. My new man is wonderful and I don’t want to risk anything. I’m just worried blocking him will cause drama i guess. We have a ton of mutual friends and went to school together. I think he thought I would put my life on hold until he was ready to get married lol. I think he’s selfish, a coward and frankly a loser. I’m literally disgusted with myself for ever being heart broken over him. Lol. Should I just ignore + keep it pushing, or block and possibly cause drama within my mutual friends?
You should block him and never speak to him again.
Within those 3 years that you were single he didn’t come to check up on you ONCE.
Exes always find a way to contact you after you’ve moved on, hell even people who you didn’t even know they liked you will only contact you once you’ve moved on. None of which are a compliment to you.
Unfortunately, a lot of times if not always, this message translates to: I just wanna know If I can still get you. Most times men are in competition with whoever the new guy that’s making you so happy. So sometimes its not even about you, he could just want to show this new guy you’re his whenever he wants.
How can blocking someone cause drama? He will no longer be able to be in communication with you after that. Blocking is what ends the drama for good.
Anon
2 years ago
This one guy I really like and he’s acc completely changed me. My personality now is a lot softer am a lot more relaxed more loving etc because of him. Anyways I feel our circumstances wouldn’t work so I called it quits but I can’t get over him lol. Normally I move on from guys by having another one but yeh none of the tricks are working this time. I feel to just love him secretly forever and leave it at that
Dinner is lovely. Unless you chew like a horse, it’s not a problem. Also why are you moving like it would be your last ever meal loooool
Anon
2 years ago
Hey sis,
So I was talking to this guy for 6 months and I’ve never really spoken a guy in such a romantic manner before, so this was something new to me. I was the happiest I could’ve been and at the start I had no sexual attraction to this guy so I don’t know how I ended up falling for him. Long story short I’m 20 and he’s 22 we spoke about marriage and he said once he was done with his degree a year from now we will get married. Slowly slowly things started to die down I would say but that was because we both had things going on in our lives and we was both busy but one day we had a little argument and we just stopped talking after that, shortly after that a week later I thought there was no hope for me and this guy and the relationship so I decided to remove him of all socials and that was the last time we spoke. When me and him stopped talking my dms were flooded with other people so I didn’t even have time to think of this guy or that me and him stopped talking. However, once all them side pieces and entertainment went I started to think about him and that I really miss him to the extent where I even think I loved this guy. I check his social quite frequently even though we don’t talk and now I think he had someone new and he’s talking to someone new and even though this is just my suspicion this has broke my heart
He is probably to speaking to someone new, likewise you are, especially if you can both agree the chemistry has died down. I feel like you guys are just looking for marriage and not necessarily a good partner. I suspect you lowkey don’t care who it is.
Now I could be wrong, but once you both realised you can only get married a year later, there was nothing else to talk about. This is why I find it really mad when marriage becomes the vocal point when you get to know someone. Things shouldn’t die down just because you can’t get married within a few weeks. Relationships do take a lot of time to develop, and you can’t just stop talking because it takes too long. I mean you can but in that case, you’re definitely not getting married for the right reasons. A year is not even that long..
Also if anything, not being able to find a resolution after an argument is a good indicator that you both wouldn’t be realistic spouses to one another anyway. Cutting each other off because of a little argument is wild, and very childish. But you guys are 20 and 22 so this isn’t surprising.
But anyway, I think this is a good thing tbh. I wouldn’t want to get married in these circumstances. It’s not romantic, it just feels rushed and conditional. You’re both young, go off and meet people who are more suited to you. You don’t need to get married to the first person who makes the process easier for you.
Anon
2 years ago
Salams sis. So there’s this guy And we’re madly in love Alhamdullilah. We’re both very practicing and so marriage is the obvious solution for us now. Well the problem is he is an only child and his mother has only him. She doesn’t want us getting married because she wants him to marry his cousin back home instead. There’s no way for us to get her blessings and he is very devoted to his mother. The only solution she offers us is that he gets married to us both and I’m not sure how to feel about that. He doesn’t desire this either. It’s a forced marriage but Somali parents don’t understand this and he is being emotionally blackmailed. I want to cut things off but he doesn’t want to lose me. Please I need some sound advise. What should I do?
I’ve heard of overbearing MIL’s but not to this degree.
Not to be rude or anything, but where are his balls? Why is his mum dictating who he can marry and what circumstances he can marry?
The question I have for you though, why would you want a husband who can’t stand up for himself let alone stand up for you?
I don’t know how you’re not put off. At the end of the day he is a man, and if anything, this situation is very indicative of how he will go to bat for you and tbh- it’s not looking promising. I suspect, if you do marry, his Mother will do everything in her power to interfere in your marriage. And ultimately you’ll spend your marriage more frustrated and tired than actually being happy. These situations are the ones where no one wins. Even the consolation prize will be worth nothing.
There is no silver lining
Go find someone who brings you peace not problems!
Anon
2 years ago
Hey Lula
I have super dark inner thighs that are a complete contrast to the rest of my body. I’m getting married soon and I absolutely despise it, looks so ugly but I know this is something that’s hard and long to get rid of if I even manage to and I won’t have the time to be able to see results. I dread the guy I marry seeing this insecurity since I find it so ugly myself. I have other body flaws I can handle but I hate this. I’m ngl I can’t see how I would not be embarrassed to be intimate if it’s not dark. Idk if men get turned off by these things so I’m worried it could affect things.
You’re insecure about how you’ll look naked so in summary, you are every woman ever?
When you look at yourself naked in the mirror, you are seeking out every possible imperfection, and you find them. Every fold, every wrinkle becomes a hideous disfigurement, because that’s what you are looking for.
My own thoughts however it can go either way. They can like what they see once your clothes come off, or they can dislike it. Just like you can like or dislike what you see when he finishes undressing. But avoiding marriage or intimacy, you’ll never know. If you keep finding ways of hiding yourself to your husband, you’ll end up pushing him away. Likewise if he was hiding himself to you, for us girls we might not think we’re wanted in that way. Does that make sense?
Even then, you can convince anyone you’re attractive in every way if you’re confident about it. I feel like being even more insecure and finding ways to hide something about yourself, magnifies those insecurities until other people start noticing it. When you’re loud and proud, no one will see.
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sisters. My ex got married a few months after we broke up. I’m so confused, I can’t lie. We broke up because we massively disagreed on something that would’ve been a dealbreaker, so I’m assuming the person he married would’ve agreed with him on what would’ve been a dealbreaker for me. I’m actually not upset that he’s married because I know deep down I’m better off and we weren’t compatible, but what upsets me is that it’s so quick. I have questions like whether he was also seeing her while I was with him, has he forgotten me that quickly and does he even regret losing me, letting me walk away and treating me poorly (I won’t get into how he treated me, but there was plenty of emotional abuse). Would appreciate some advice and insight please. Thanks so much.
A lot of them don’t marry for love, but rather who’s just there and fits the criteria at the time. You disagreed on something that’s a deal breaker to him, so you guys parted ways. I actually think that’s the right thing to do especially if it’s just going to be an even bigger problem later when you’re married. I guess you’re just so surprised he moved on quickly. I can’t tell you if he was seeing her whilst you guys were together, but she was definitely still an option that he was saving for later. Not sure If that’s technically emotionally cheating, it probably is.
Regardless though, that’s a fat bullet you dodged. Nothing is worse than having a husband who didn’t marry you for love but convenience. It’ll feel like living with a stranger. Don’t feel too bad, you are mourning something idealised, not the reality of what could of been. By the sounds of it, he would have been a horrible husband anyway. Allow yourself to feel sad and then let it go for good. You deserve better.
Anon
2 years ago
I met my potential husband when I was a virgin and that’s the only reason why I think he was so invested in me, granted we get along and there’s attraction too. However, I lost my virginity stupidly and it was the biggest mistake of my life. How can I even marry someone that I lied to and how can I explain that whilst he was in my life ( we wasn’t together ) I did that. What should I do ?
The only reason why he was invested in you was because he thought you was a virgin? That’s it? Not your personality, looks even? If that’s the case I don’t think theres anything you can do. Especially if that’s his most important criteria to have. Still find that slightly bizarre though. Anyway, I don’t think you’ll miss out if it doesn’t work out.
Anon
2 years ago
At what point should a guy you’re dating stop liking random girls pics on twitter, insta ect? A lot of them unfollow girls only after marriage tbf but I feel like as soon as you express you want only me shouldn’t it end then. Makes me feel less respected and I begin to question their feelings for me. Am I extreme for always ending things with guys (nothing else really wrong) for this reason
Anything before then is kinda fair game, for both of you. No one would have a leg to stand on otherwise. However, personally if you are liking pictures of girls whilst you’re talking to me is indicative of how much you like me. And clearly its not that much. I probably wouldn’t end things or make a huge deal out of it, I just wouldn’t take them seriously and I’d start looking elsewhere.
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sis,
I’ve been married for 3 years and we spent the first year long distance. A few months ago I found out he was texting a bunch of girls online and also met with a few in person. I confronted him about it and told him I want a divorce as things weren’t going well anyway and that was just my last straw. After a long discussion, he confessed to sleeping with someone (he confessed so there’s no more lies). He apologized and said it’ll never happened again and that it all happened when we were away from each other, that they don’t matter and that he’ll delete all his socials. Even though I saw that he texted someone that same day!! He begged me to give him a second/ last chance. It was just too much for me because he always put this image of him being somewhat ideal and very respectable and it was actually hard for me to believe any of it despite all the evidence (perfection is due only to Allah swt). I always felt like I wasn’t good enough because of things in my past. I kept insisting on divorce but he told me to take 3 days to think it thoroughly. 3 days later, I was still adamant on my decision. He begged me again to give him 1 last chance and I won’t regret it and blah blah blah. I said ok. A part of me felt relief that he isn’t perfect after all but I was still hurt. Months later, things were actually going very well, the best they’ve been all marriage honestly. I feel closer to him since he was never really vulnerable with me before. However I can’t help but still think about what he did. I completely trusted him to the point where if anyone were to tell me what I saw, I wouldn’t have believed them. It feels like I’m expected to just get over it, move on and not talk about it again. I don’t think I can ever trust him to the level I did before. When I have a bad day, I wonder if it would’ve been better if I left him and I feel dumb for taking him back. If a friend had the same issue, I would’ve told her to leave the nigga! So I feel like a hypocrite lol. Things aren’t perfect now but I recognize some of it is due to things beyond our control. I also recognize he’s trying, just not to the level I prefer. I’m just afraid that I’ll regret my decision in the future and then it’ll be harder for to leave if/when kids come into the picture. I’m not sure what I can do now
It’s either you don’t forgive him and move on, but if you have agreed to forgive him, you can’t keep reminding him what he did either.
But in my opinion, men who have wandering eyes will never stop this behaviour. You either decide to put up with it or get out. In fact, if you get pregnant and have kids by this man, he will get worse.
This is definitely crossing the line and inappropriate behaviour for a married man.
You seem to already know that you have to leave him. You’re going to really hate yourself when you waste more time on this loser and it happens again. Prepare yourself for a lifetime of this kind of chaos unless you take action now. 3 years is not that deep especially if you have no kids, get out whilst you can.
Either divorce him or demand he actively engage in couples counselling so he can learn how to be a husband.
Salam sister! My ex and I broke up 4 years ago, and I pretty much told him I’d get back together with him if he wanted. I wanted to marry him, he told me he wanted to marry me too but wasn’t ready because we were too young. I was heart broken for a long time. I’m now happy and moved on, I have a new man and we’ve been together for 8 months, I rarely ‘date’ (hence the long gap), I only entertain people with the idea of marriage. My ex just found out I am seeing someone else, knowing that I only seriously speak to people I want to marry, and decided to hit me up on Eid. I didn’t respond. He never hit me up in Eid for the last few years while I was single & hoping he would send an Eid Mubarak text. Should I block him? Bc I think he just wants to have access to me and I’m angry at him for only speaking to me when someone else was in the picture. My new man is wonderful and I don’t want to risk anything. I’m just worried blocking him will cause drama i guess. We have a ton of mutual friends and went to school together. I think he thought I would put my life on hold until he was ready to get married lol. I think he’s selfish, a coward and frankly a loser. I’m literally disgusted with myself for ever being heart broken over him. Lol. Should I just ignore + keep it pushing, or block and possibly cause drama within my mutual friends?
You should block him and never speak to him again.
Within those 3 years that you were single he didn’t come to check up on you ONCE.
Exes always find a way to contact you after you’ve moved on, hell even people who you didn’t even know they liked you will only contact you once you’ve moved on. None of which are a compliment to you.
Unfortunately, a lot of times if not always, this message translates to: I just wanna know If I can still get you. Most times men are in competition with whoever the new guy that’s making you so happy. So sometimes its not even about you, he could just want to show this new guy you’re his whenever he wants.
How can blocking someone cause drama? He will no longer be able to be in communication with you after that. Blocking is what ends the drama for good.
This one guy I really like and he’s acc completely changed me. My personality now is a lot softer am a lot more relaxed more loving etc because of him. Anyways I feel our circumstances wouldn’t work so I called it quits but I can’t get over him lol. Normally I move on from guys by having another one but yeh none of the tricks are working this time. I feel to just love him secretly forever and leave it at that
What were the circumstances?
I always think if a situation is too hard for a relationship to exist than its not meant to be.
I absolutely do not understand why people go on dinner dates
How do you speak and get to know someone while you’re trying to finish a meal
Dinner is lovely. Unless you chew like a horse, it’s not a problem. Also why are you moving like it would be your last ever meal loooool
Hey sis,
So I was talking to this guy for 6 months and I’ve never really spoken a guy in such a romantic manner before, so this was something new to me. I was the happiest I could’ve been and at the start I had no sexual attraction to this guy so I don’t know how I ended up falling for him. Long story short I’m 20 and he’s 22 we spoke about marriage and he said once he was done with his degree a year from now we will get married. Slowly slowly things started to die down I would say but that was because we both had things going on in our lives and we was both busy but one day we had a little argument and we just stopped talking after that, shortly after that a week later I thought there was no hope for me and this guy and the relationship so I decided to remove him of all socials and that was the last time we spoke. When me and him stopped talking my dms were flooded with other people so I didn’t even have time to think of this guy or that me and him stopped talking. However, once all them side pieces and entertainment went I started to think about him and that I really miss him to the extent where I even think I loved this guy. I check his social quite frequently even though we don’t talk and now I think he had someone new and he’s talking to someone new and even though this is just my suspicion this has broke my heart
He is probably to speaking to someone new, likewise you are, especially if you can both agree the chemistry has died down. I feel like you guys are just looking for marriage and not necessarily a good partner. I suspect you lowkey don’t care who it is.
Now I could be wrong, but once you both realised you can only get married a year later, there was nothing else to talk about. This is why I find it really mad when marriage becomes the vocal point when you get to know someone. Things shouldn’t die down just because you can’t get married within a few weeks. Relationships do take a lot of time to develop, and you can’t just stop talking because it takes too long. I mean you can but in that case, you’re definitely not getting married for the right reasons. A year is not even that long..
Also if anything, not being able to find a resolution after an argument is a good indicator that you both wouldn’t be realistic spouses to one another anyway. Cutting each other off because of a little argument is wild, and very childish. But you guys are 20 and 22 so this isn’t surprising.
But anyway, I think this is a good thing tbh. I wouldn’t want to get married in these circumstances. It’s not romantic, it just feels rushed and conditional. You’re both young, go off and meet people who are more suited to you. You don’t need to get married to the first person who makes the process easier for you.
Salams sis. So there’s this guy And we’re madly in love Alhamdullilah. We’re both very practicing and so marriage is the obvious solution for us now. Well the problem is he is an only child and his mother has only him. She doesn’t want us getting married because she wants him to marry his cousin back home instead. There’s no way for us to get her blessings and he is very devoted to his mother. The only solution she offers us is that he gets married to us both and I’m not sure how to feel about that. He doesn’t desire this either. It’s a forced marriage but Somali parents don’t understand this and he is being emotionally blackmailed. I want to cut things off but he doesn’t want to lose me. Please I need some sound advise. What should I do?
I’ve heard of overbearing MIL’s but not to this degree.
Not to be rude or anything, but where are his balls? Why is his mum dictating who he can marry and what circumstances he can marry?
The question I have for you though, why would you want a husband who can’t stand up for himself let alone stand up for you?
I don’t know how you’re not put off. At the end of the day he is a man, and if anything, this situation is very indicative of how he will go to bat for you and tbh- it’s not looking promising. I suspect, if you do marry, his Mother will do everything in her power to interfere in your marriage. And ultimately you’ll spend your marriage more frustrated and tired than actually being happy. These situations are the ones where no one wins. Even the consolation prize will be worth nothing.
There is no silver lining
Go find someone who brings you peace not problems!
Hey Lula
I have super dark inner thighs that are a complete contrast to the rest of my body. I’m getting married soon and I absolutely despise it, looks so ugly but I know this is something that’s hard and long to get rid of if I even manage to and I won’t have the time to be able to see results. I dread the guy I marry seeing this insecurity since I find it so ugly myself. I have other body flaws I can handle but I hate this. I’m ngl I can’t see how I would not be embarrassed to be intimate if it’s not dark. Idk if men get turned off by these things so I’m worried it could affect things.
You’re insecure about how you’ll look naked so in summary, you are every woman ever?
When you look at yourself naked in the mirror, you are seeking out every possible imperfection, and you find them. Every fold, every wrinkle becomes a hideous disfigurement, because that’s what you are looking for.
My own thoughts however it can go either way. They can like what they see once your clothes come off, or they can dislike it. Just like you can like or dislike what you see when he finishes undressing. But avoiding marriage or intimacy, you’ll never know. If you keep finding ways of hiding yourself to your husband, you’ll end up pushing him away. Likewise if he was hiding himself to you, for us girls we might not think we’re wanted in that way. Does that make sense?
Even then, you can convince anyone you’re attractive in every way if you’re confident about it. I feel like being even more insecure and finding ways to hide something about yourself, magnifies those insecurities until other people start noticing it. When you’re loud and proud, no one will see.
Salam sisters. My ex got married a few months after we broke up. I’m so confused, I can’t lie. We broke up because we massively disagreed on something that would’ve been a dealbreaker, so I’m assuming the person he married would’ve agreed with him on what would’ve been a dealbreaker for me. I’m actually not upset that he’s married because I know deep down I’m better off and we weren’t compatible, but what upsets me is that it’s so quick. I have questions like whether he was also seeing her while I was with him, has he forgotten me that quickly and does he even regret losing me, letting me walk away and treating me poorly (I won’t get into how he treated me, but there was plenty of emotional abuse). Would appreciate some advice and insight please. Thanks so much.
Men have a habit of doing stuff like this.
A lot of them don’t marry for love, but rather who’s just there and fits the criteria at the time. You disagreed on something that’s a deal breaker to him, so you guys parted ways. I actually think that’s the right thing to do especially if it’s just going to be an even bigger problem later when you’re married. I guess you’re just so surprised he moved on quickly. I can’t tell you if he was seeing her whilst you guys were together, but she was definitely still an option that he was saving for later. Not sure If that’s technically emotionally cheating, it probably is.
Regardless though, that’s a fat bullet you dodged. Nothing is worse than having a husband who didn’t marry you for love but convenience. It’ll feel like living with a stranger. Don’t feel too bad, you are mourning something idealised, not the reality of what could of been. By the sounds of it, he would have been a horrible husband anyway. Allow yourself to feel sad and then let it go for good. You deserve better.
I met my potential husband when I was a virgin and that’s the only reason why I think he was so invested in me, granted we get along and there’s attraction too. However, I lost my virginity stupidly and it was the biggest mistake of my life. How can I even marry someone that I lied to and how can I explain that whilst he was in my life ( we wasn’t together ) I did that. What should I do ?
The only reason why he was invested in you was because he thought you was a virgin? That’s it? Not your personality, looks even? If that’s the case I don’t think theres anything you can do. Especially if that’s his most important criteria to have. Still find that slightly bizarre though. Anyway, I don’t think you’ll miss out if it doesn’t work out.
At what point should a guy you’re dating stop liking random girls pics on twitter, insta ect? A lot of them unfollow girls only after marriage tbf but I feel like as soon as you express you want only me shouldn’t it end then. Makes me feel less respected and I begin to question their feelings for me. Am I extreme for always ending things with guys (nothing else really wrong) for this reason
As soon as you become exclusive.
Anything before then is kinda fair game, for both of you. No one would have a leg to stand on otherwise. However, personally if you are liking pictures of girls whilst you’re talking to me is indicative of how much you like me. And clearly its not that much. I probably wouldn’t end things or make a huge deal out of it, I just wouldn’t take them seriously and I’d start looking elsewhere.
Salam sis,
I’ve been married for 3 years and we spent the first year long distance. A few months ago I found out he was texting a bunch of girls online and also met with a few in person. I confronted him about it and told him I want a divorce as things weren’t going well anyway and that was just my last straw. After a long discussion, he confessed to sleeping with someone (he confessed so there’s no more lies). He apologized and said it’ll never happened again and that it all happened when we were away from each other, that they don’t matter and that he’ll delete all his socials. Even though I saw that he texted someone that same day!! He begged me to give him a second/ last chance. It was just too much for me because he always put this image of him being somewhat ideal and very respectable and it was actually hard for me to believe any of it despite all the evidence (perfection is due only to Allah swt). I always felt like I wasn’t good enough because of things in my past. I kept insisting on divorce but he told me to take 3 days to think it thoroughly. 3 days later, I was still adamant on my decision. He begged me again to give him 1 last chance and I won’t regret it and blah blah blah. I said ok. A part of me felt relief that he isn’t perfect after all but I was still hurt. Months later, things were actually going very well, the best they’ve been all marriage honestly. I feel closer to him since he was never really vulnerable with me before. However I can’t help but still think about what he did. I completely trusted him to the point where if anyone were to tell me what I saw, I wouldn’t have believed them. It feels like I’m expected to just get over it, move on and not talk about it again. I don’t think I can ever trust him to the level I did before. When I have a bad day, I wonder if it would’ve been better if I left him and I feel dumb for taking him back. If a friend had the same issue, I would’ve told her to leave the nigga! So I feel like a hypocrite lol. Things aren’t perfect now but I recognize some of it is due to things beyond our control. I also recognize he’s trying, just not to the level I prefer. I’m just afraid that I’ll regret my decision in the future and then it’ll be harder for to leave if/when kids come into the picture. I’m not sure what I can do now
It’s either you don’t forgive him and move on, but if you have agreed to forgive him, you can’t keep reminding him what he did either.
But in my opinion, men who have wandering eyes will never stop this behaviour. You either decide to put up with it or get out. In fact, if you get pregnant and have kids by this man, he will get worse.
This is definitely crossing the line and inappropriate behaviour for a married man.
You seem to already know that you have to leave him. You’re going to really hate yourself when you waste more time on this loser and it happens again. Prepare yourself for a lifetime of this kind of chaos unless you take action now. 3 years is not that deep especially if you have no kids, get out whilst you can.
Either divorce him or demand he actively engage in couples counselling so he can learn how to be a husband.