I have this friend who I’ve known for a long time and she’s never done anything to wrong me it’s just that when I text her abt my boy drama or any other news all I get is a “damn” or “lol” like if I’m pissed abt something I need you to be pissed as well or if I’m happy same and I don’t give her dead responses. in person she’s kinda like this too but I know she’s shy but she’s known me for years isn’t it time to come out your shell? She almost treats me like a new person she meets which in those cases she rarely talks and it’s me doing all the talking and it’s getting annoying
Lmao I just answered a question in the exact opposite situation to yours.
Maybe have some self awareness.
Why is she so tired of talking about the same thing over and over again? Do you have a tendency to constantly talk about your man?
I’ll be real, when someone talks to me about the same drama – and does not take any of my advice, keeps on talking about it, eventually I’m gonna get tired. And I’ll start doing exactly what your friend is doing. Giving you dead energy so you can get the message.
Instead of being annoyed with her, talk about other things. Ask her how she’s doing, does she have any guy in her life. I guarantee you she will have different energy with you.
Anon
2 years ago
I have this friend who listens to me jus so she can talk. For example I’ll be talking on ft to her about my day or the recent guy I’m talking to lol and she jus has a blank stare like she’s not really listening and on FaceTime now you can see if people are replying to texts and shit so she’ll do that then when I’m done she’ll go OKAY and get energy to start talking about her guy and day and I genuinely listen and ask questions and rmbr things is it so hard to ask for the same?
It sounds like you should ignore her, you told her how it makes you feel and that’s all you can do. Friendship should have some balance between input from both, there isn’t any balance here.
You’re her friend, not her mum or therapist. Shut down the conversation when you notice she doesn’t give you the same energy. Eventually she will figure it out for herself.
Anon
2 years ago
I’m 27 and people expect me to have ‘found someone’ by now whether it’s elders or youngers. Its come to a point they don’t speak respectfully simply because I have not fullfilled their expectations. I am not a student of knowledge but I am practicing, and do make time to build on my knowledge everyday. Alhamdullilah one thing I have stayed completely away from is free mixing or talking to the opposite gender/sex unless its necessary. Even some people who have formally studied my religion they look down on me and if someone has this formal status of a student of knowledge, I unfortunately doubt them now because of what I know now, how some treat people/judge, their mannerisms, and what they do and say. Sometimes its a facade and you’ll never know till that very moment they reveal their true selves and it scary knowing theres so many others like this too. Of course lots of people are getting married left right and centre, Alhamdullilah. I’ve seen the struggles from behind and it has not put me off completely, but I know what I want and want to make sure I marry someone who is suitable and a good role model for the younger generation. Its no doubt different, searching as a woman and I believe Islam aids Muslimahs to be protected with the help of Mahrams and being involved. I understand sometimes old ways don’t work in a mordern a world of digital/social media/dating before marriage. But I never want to compromise my deen or even go near it, I’ve already witnessed it happen to many, and though they did get married Alhamdullilah Ma shaa Allah, I do not know their struggles. But it totally scares me because it is forbidden. Also it’s hard to trust when you have no safety net like mahrams to protect you or even put you in check I would rather avoid it all together and I’ve gotten use to living like this. I’ve gotten use to staying away from this aspect since I was a teenager and I feel like people respected my boundary and spoke to me respectfully since, till now. Most would think I’m deeping this too much- I’ve been told this many times. But marriage is for a lifetime. I’ve had traumatic events early on in life which were out of my control. But for marriage I hope to have some control and stay away from sin and not mess up. This was my mentality from young because I’ve seen the impact of haram relationships around me. As the years went by the people who I thought I knew practicing or students of knowledge started to comment on my age and disrespect me, compare me to others saying so and so got a man they’re getting married, but you’re not married, why/how haven’t you got a man, why, when all these sarcastic/rhetorical questions and sick jokes and all the other questions women get bashed with in relation to age marriage and using deen e.g. Sunnah to get married young. They are well aware that all the marriages around us were led from dating and though I respect all of them they’ve known me long enough to know that I am not in that space at all. But all that was brushed aside, felt like I was speaking to strangers and it makes me sad. I still respect all these people but for the first time, in this aspect I felt rejected and just bewildered. I am finally somewhat content with this stage of my life because I finally accepted learnt to cope with old trauma which developed from other problems. I had to take on alot of responsibilities from a young age and due to this I naturally was just kept away, didn’t have room for anymore stress in my life, wasn’t represent in these interactions as such whether it was in high school, college and as a young adult simply didn’t see a need to invest in a relationship other than marriage. When I was a teenager it was far worse and looking back very dangerous how people met and the extent they’d go just to be with each other and it ending badly. This is why I couldn’t really comprehend why I’d put myself through such grief. I don’t have siblings and don’t trust that people who I know in person will give me genuine advice and have good intentions for me. I don’t really know where to go from here, am I too comfortable being alone, is it better this way? Is it risky to get married in this day and age? I understand marriage involves sacrifice and there’s difficult days, months and years, end of the day you’re a team…recently I’ve heard more horror stories than good which is making me overthink alot and on the other side I am grieving the loss of those I thought were companions to me and for a long time. I do not want to paint everyone with the same brush. Just from my individual experience, even if I hear of someone prehaps a potential when I hear a person is on deen student of knowledge its not the same anymore. I feel embarrassed for saying this but I have doubt now or feel slightly uneasy.
I feel so confused and numb. Didn’t think this would clutter my mind so much. Any advice?
Getting married is always a risk. You can have the best spouse, it doesn’t matter. Whenever you close one chapter for another one, you are leaving your comfort. Something you have always known. Its better to be with the devil you know right than one you don’t right? The thing is, the idea of marriage is never not going to be scary. That’s the nature of it.
In fact, if marriage scares you, you are a good deal wiser than you give yourself credit for. Marriage is hard work, can be incredibly rough going and is no guarantee of a relationship surviving. That being said, it is also a visible commitment to the world that you want to try and make it long term. But what people fail to understand is, it’s like that with everything. You can have the dream job, do you think you’re going to be obsessed with it forever? It fluctuates, most times you’ll love that dream job – and there will be days you feel overwhelmed, like you have imposter syndrome, that its too much. It’s the same with marriage, except it can be a lot easier depending on who it is you’re married to.
My thing is, everything you fear in a relationship; be it infidelity, quarrels, etc; will be amplified in a marriage. Those fears will be on steroids. For some reason that is BEYOND ME, apparently things getting to know each other for a long time (as opposed to rushing), discussing money, future plans, or how you plan to raise kids, how someone will look after you during pregnancy, are things you shouldn’t do before marriage?? When these same issues will and CAN cause a marriage to sink faster than the Titanic.
I try to anticipate things as best as a can and come up with solutions. I don’t like being thrown into the lions den trying to fight for my life. So I will ask uncomfortable questions before I even consider someone for marriage. Especially when it comes to my life and the future I’ve worked so hard for. I wanna know what I’m doing is going to benefit me.
Instead of being scared, when you’re dating someone, talk kids, talk budge, savings, really talk options, time frames, deal breakers. A marriage is only going to make these conversations more critical, so have them first. Find out what you’re working with! If marriage still seem a bad idea; then that means you probably haven’t had those conversations yet.
You will always find someone on the same page as you when you have those conversations. Everyone knew what my standards were and what I wanted my life to look like: making sacrifices now so we can enjoy later. And you know what, I was ready to drop whoever at a seconds notice if my plans didn’t align with theirs. That’s how you have to be, because it avoids problems in the future. If I had neglected the basics in the beginning of my dating journey, I wouldn’t have someone who not only is on the same page as me, but actually helps me get to where I need to be! As opposed to feeling like someone is holding me back.
You have to be cutthroat getting to know people, know what is good for you and don’t fold. So when you actually meet someone and settle down, you can actually take the next steps: which is learn how to be a team together. But you can’t be a team with someone who don’t bring anything to the table.
Finding someone meaningful is always going to be a process, especially if you want it to last. You can find anyone to get married to, but will you be happy? And will it last? The idea of marriage is always going to be scary, its something new of course its going to be scary. But the process will be a lot more easier when you’re doing it as a team.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi Lula, need some advice on something.
Back in 2018 I had a crush on a guy and we started talking and we had a very good connection and I definitely could see him in my future, it only lasted 3 months and then he ghosted me and I later found out it was because him and my brother used to work at the same place and my brother would always drop him off home and he thought it was too disrespectful to carry on. We stopped speaking January 2019.
During covid around September 2020 his friend and I got close and we both work at the same place and before you know it we both caught feelings but we both stated we didn’t want to be in relationships so we causally saw each other for around 7 months. In those 7 months we did get intimate which I repent everyday for. That ‘fwb type situation’ came to an end April 2021.
Now the issue which I never thought would ever happen is the first guy has come back and wants to ask for my hand after 4 years of not speaking. Like i said before I definitely could’ve seen myself marrying this guy and we were very compatible but how do i live with the guilt about what I did with his friend, do i hide it from him but then the guilt would eat me up and what if his friend mentions it? or do i tell him everything and see his reaction??? Thanks in advance
Marrying someone younger than you requires a lot, and I mean, a lot of patience. You have to be willing to allow them to grow into a spouse if you’re going to commit to relationship with them. It’s the same way if an older man marries a younger woman.
However, women naturally want more security from a man and it’s hard to get that from someone who is still growing into one. That’s why personally it wouldn’t work for me.
Again, same kinda thing with marrying someone your own age. You guys are on the same level and it just depends on who is going at a faster pace. Again I believe women typically mature alot more than men and to me, if I feel like someone is trailing behind me (because I go at a very very fast space) – it simply wouldn’t work.
But everyone is different. If you and someone else are on the exact same page, it definitely could work. Just requires alot of patience and commitment.
Anon
2 years ago
So I have a ‘friend’ and she’s got herself a boyfriend. She never makes plans with me or comes you through when I invite her out, but goes to lengths to meet her bf. She pretty much blanks my messages and avoids phone calls now.
You have to accept that friendship, even among the best of us, ebbs and flows.
When someone enters a relationship, it’s reasonable that they would spend more time with their significant other, even more when they start a family. Now that I’m in a relationship, if I see my friends get it one and they are always busy – I understand. Relationships are consuming, and not in a bad way. You’ve found someone who suddenly makes your life better, and you will always find ways for them to be in it. It’s like when you find your favourite meal, you’re gonna want it all the time.
Also, it might not just be a relationship. People are busy. I go weeks without seeing my friends, and it’s mainly because I’m either always working or recovering from the fact I’m always working. The point is, as you get older: people get busier and busier.
the friendship dynamic is going to change, and if it doesn’t: you’re just gonna hold each other back. Let people have their own lives, and the time you do get to spend together, let it be good. Don’t make it feel like an obligation.
Learn to accept the friendship for what it is, enjoy the time you spend together while it lasts but know it is ebbs and flows. I wouldn’t encourage you to neglect other aspects of you life and drop everything for friends and likewise don’t expect that from them.
Whilst she’s MIA, use this time to focus on your other present friends. Leave her to do what she’s doing. Don’t focus on her too much. If anything, this might be a sign to you that you’re willing to sacrifice too much for your friends. Categorise people exactly how they categorise YOU.
Anon
2 years ago
My little sister has begun self harming, something i did when I was younger but I have no idea how to go about this since nobody knew about mine. I dont know what to do or say especially since we’re not an expressive family. We have had extremely close people to us pass away in the past 2 years and I know she has taken it really hard. How do I even begin to comfort her and let her know i care and understand without scaring her off?
Share your experiences with her, that is probably the only way you can form a bond right now. She needs to hear from someone she trusts that has experienced the exact same feeling she’s feeling now.
Don’t worry about whether you’re doing a good enough job, you can only do your best. And that is more than what most people are willing to do. Make time for her. That will be the most important part. Any time she’s feeling down, be there to pick her up. Show her you’re willing to drop anything at anytime just to be there for her. Trust me, she will open up to you like no way you’ve seen before. That comes with showing a person that you’re willing to sacrifice for them because they mean that much to you.
Find a hobby you guys can do together. Be gym buddies. In fact, sign up to a woman’s boxing class and doing it weekly together. On the ride home, go get and ice cream and talk about stuff. It doesn’t have to be deep, just talk about anything. It’ll be something to look forward to.
Until then, you are doing all the right things. May you forever be her light in an otherwise dark world.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi sis,
My husband and I have been married for a minute. We’re so in sync with most things: we have similar movie tastes, like going out, traveling, etc. Basically, almost perfect life, except our sex life.
I believe his sex drive is low, last visit to doctor shower low testosterone and he has since started taking medication. I, however, have not noticed a change in his sex drive at all. I do keep myself looking good and I know he finds me sexy. I have a high sex drive but I’m not going to be the one to jump him every night 🫣. I will initiate but it cannot be me all the time, that’s tiring.
We do experience extended periods of times when we are all on the same page, and that’s when I typically address the situation and express my desire for things not to go back to the way it was before. Should I be bringing this issue up more?
I love everything else but I don’t only want a room mate or best friend but rather a husband. I think the physical aspect of a marriage is important. Am I expecting too much? I would prefer sex daily, but can settle for 2-3 times a week. However, if I wait on him, it can sometime (not all the time) go on for weeks or up to a month. I’ve been coping, but it’s come to a point where I feel like I am at my limit and I’m not sure what to do. I will rather divorce than cheat on him but I’m hoping communication or therapy might be a better solution. Sadly, he’s not the best communication.
Please advise and make du’a for our marriage.
Thank you.
He might be more than tired; he might actually be depressed. “Tired” is often how people describe themselves when they’re in the middle of a serious depression phase. He might not even realise that he is anything more than “tired”.
Has his job changed since you got together?
There’s so many reasons why it could be. Obviously irrational explanations could be cheating – porn addiction – physical, intimacy or relational problems, work & depression. Last one seems more frequent around here. Job exhaustion is hidding the real cause.
But most importantly, you both need to learn to openly communicate with each other and listen to each other without fear of being judged by each other. Obviously this is a really awkward conversation to have but you need to have those in marriages. It’s the only way the situation gets better. You need to tell him what you wrote here and try to get that vital channel of communicado open both ways.
Secondly, he needs to figure out what is wrong with his energy levels, even if just for himself if nothing else. You’ve not elluded to what this could be cause by, his general health, schedule or any other mitigating factor in your post.
Inshallah the situation gets better, and I genuinely believe it will. It rarely is because your husband is no longer attracted to you, just that his life or responsibilities is too overwhelming for him to even think about intimacy
Anon
2 years ago
Hi lula, what was is your ideal way to meet someone? would u talk to a random who added on insta?
It depends on who they are following, and how many of those follows are women.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi, I need advice for my sister and you can post this on Twitter if you want. My sister is turning 27 and she has no friends her own age. She hangs out with me and best friend who are 2000 and my other older sister who is 98. She meets people through other people but doesn’t have her own friend group just acquaintances. Her age mates are either married, have kids or work in their career. Sometimes I forget there’s a 5 year age gap between us because of how immature she behaves. How do I tell my sister to act like her age mates and boss up without being harsh? Thanks.
Stop allowing your sister to hang around with you.
My older sister used to be just like yours but the difference is I never let her feel comfortable whenever me and my friends were around, in fact – the only time my friends would be around her was if they came to pick me up and we were just about to leave. It’s a bit mean but this is how you avoid having older siblings thinking they are your age. I don’t have around with her friends (not like she has many) and she doesn’t hang around mine. Happy days.
Keep your lives separate especially when it comes to sibilings. Suddenly your sister could hear something whilst around your friends and now your mum knows.
I have this friend who I’ve known for a long time and she’s never done anything to wrong me it’s just that when I text her abt my boy drama or any other news all I get is a “damn” or “lol” like if I’m pissed abt something I need you to be pissed as well or if I’m happy same and I don’t give her dead responses. in person she’s kinda like this too but I know she’s shy but she’s known me for years isn’t it time to come out your shell? She almost treats me like a new person she meets which in those cases she rarely talks and it’s me doing all the talking and it’s getting annoying
Lmao I just answered a question in the exact opposite situation to yours.
Maybe have some self awareness.
Why is she so tired of talking about the same thing over and over again? Do you have a tendency to constantly talk about your man?
I’ll be real, when someone talks to me about the same drama – and does not take any of my advice, keeps on talking about it, eventually I’m gonna get tired. And I’ll start doing exactly what your friend is doing. Giving you dead energy so you can get the message.
Instead of being annoyed with her, talk about other things. Ask her how she’s doing, does she have any guy in her life. I guarantee you she will have different energy with you.
I have this friend who listens to me jus so she can talk. For example I’ll be talking on ft to her about my day or the recent guy I’m talking to lol and she jus has a blank stare like she’s not really listening and on FaceTime now you can see if people are replying to texts and shit so she’ll do that then when I’m done she’ll go OKAY and get energy to start talking about her guy and day and I genuinely listen and ask questions and rmbr things is it so hard to ask for the same?
It sounds like you should ignore her, you told her how it makes you feel and that’s all you can do. Friendship should have some balance between input from both, there isn’t any balance here.
You’re her friend, not her mum or therapist. Shut down the conversation when you notice she doesn’t give you the same energy. Eventually she will figure it out for herself.
I’m 27 and people expect me to have ‘found someone’ by now whether it’s elders or youngers. Its come to a point they don’t speak respectfully simply because I have not fullfilled their expectations. I am not a student of knowledge but I am practicing, and do make time to build on my knowledge everyday. Alhamdullilah one thing I have stayed completely away from is free mixing or talking to the opposite gender/sex unless its necessary. Even some people who have formally studied my religion they look down on me and if someone has this formal status of a student of knowledge, I unfortunately doubt them now because of what I know now, how some treat people/judge, their mannerisms, and what they do and say. Sometimes its a facade and you’ll never know till that very moment they reveal their true selves and it scary knowing theres so many others like this too. Of course lots of people are getting married left right and centre, Alhamdullilah. I’ve seen the struggles from behind and it has not put me off completely, but I know what I want and want to make sure I marry someone who is suitable and a good role model for the younger generation. Its no doubt different, searching as a woman and I believe Islam aids Muslimahs to be protected with the help of Mahrams and being involved. I understand sometimes old ways don’t work in a mordern a world of digital/social media/dating before marriage. But I never want to compromise my deen or even go near it, I’ve already witnessed it happen to many, and though they did get married Alhamdullilah Ma shaa Allah, I do not know their struggles. But it totally scares me because it is forbidden. Also it’s hard to trust when you have no safety net like mahrams to protect you or even put you in check I would rather avoid it all together and I’ve gotten use to living like this. I’ve gotten use to staying away from this aspect since I was a teenager and I feel like people respected my boundary and spoke to me respectfully since, till now. Most would think I’m deeping this too much- I’ve been told this many times. But marriage is for a lifetime. I’ve had traumatic events early on in life which were out of my control. But for marriage I hope to have some control and stay away from sin and not mess up. This was my mentality from young because I’ve seen the impact of haram relationships around me. As the years went by the people who I thought I knew practicing or students of knowledge started to comment on my age and disrespect me, compare me to others saying so and so got a man they’re getting married, but you’re not married, why/how haven’t you got a man, why, when all these sarcastic/rhetorical questions and sick jokes and all the other questions women get bashed with in relation to age marriage and using deen e.g. Sunnah to get married young. They are well aware that all the marriages around us were led from dating and though I respect all of them they’ve known me long enough to know that I am not in that space at all. But all that was brushed aside, felt like I was speaking to strangers and it makes me sad. I still respect all these people but for the first time, in this aspect I felt rejected and just bewildered. I am finally somewhat content with this stage of my life because I finally accepted learnt to cope with old trauma which developed from other problems. I had to take on alot of responsibilities from a young age and due to this I naturally was just kept away, didn’t have room for anymore stress in my life, wasn’t represent in these interactions as such whether it was in high school, college and as a young adult simply didn’t see a need to invest in a relationship other than marriage. When I was a teenager it was far worse and looking back very dangerous how people met and the extent they’d go just to be with each other and it ending badly. This is why I couldn’t really comprehend why I’d put myself through such grief. I don’t have siblings and don’t trust that people who I know in person will give me genuine advice and have good intentions for me. I don’t really know where to go from here, am I too comfortable being alone, is it better this way? Is it risky to get married in this day and age? I understand marriage involves sacrifice and there’s difficult days, months and years, end of the day you’re a team…recently I’ve heard more horror stories than good which is making me overthink alot and on the other side I am grieving the loss of those I thought were companions to me and for a long time. I do not want to paint everyone with the same brush. Just from my individual experience, even if I hear of someone prehaps a potential when I hear a person is on deen student of knowledge its not the same anymore. I feel embarrassed for saying this but I have doubt now or feel slightly uneasy.
I feel so confused and numb. Didn’t think this would clutter my mind so much. Any advice?
Getting married is always a risk. You can have the best spouse, it doesn’t matter. Whenever you close one chapter for another one, you are leaving your comfort. Something you have always known. Its better to be with the devil you know right than one you don’t right? The thing is, the idea of marriage is never not going to be scary. That’s the nature of it.
In fact, if marriage scares you, you are a good deal wiser than you give yourself credit for. Marriage is hard work, can be incredibly rough going and is no guarantee of a relationship surviving. That being said, it is also a visible commitment to the world that you want to try and make it long term. But what people fail to understand is, it’s like that with everything. You can have the dream job, do you think you’re going to be obsessed with it forever? It fluctuates, most times you’ll love that dream job – and there will be days you feel overwhelmed, like you have imposter syndrome, that its too much. It’s the same with marriage, except it can be a lot easier depending on who it is you’re married to.
My thing is, everything you fear in a relationship; be it infidelity, quarrels, etc; will be amplified in a marriage. Those fears will be on steroids. For some reason that is BEYOND ME, apparently things getting to know each other for a long time (as opposed to rushing), discussing money, future plans, or how you plan to raise kids, how someone will look after you during pregnancy, are things you shouldn’t do before marriage?? When these same issues will and CAN cause a marriage to sink faster than the Titanic.
I try to anticipate things as best as a can and come up with solutions. I don’t like being thrown into the lions den trying to fight for my life. So I will ask uncomfortable questions before I even consider someone for marriage. Especially when it comes to my life and the future I’ve worked so hard for. I wanna know what I’m doing is going to benefit me.
Instead of being scared, when you’re dating someone, talk kids, talk budge, savings, really talk options, time frames, deal breakers. A marriage is only going to make these conversations more critical, so have them first. Find out what you’re working with! If marriage still seem a bad idea; then that means you probably haven’t had those conversations yet.
You will always find someone on the same page as you when you have those conversations. Everyone knew what my standards were and what I wanted my life to look like: making sacrifices now so we can enjoy later. And you know what, I was ready to drop whoever at a seconds notice if my plans didn’t align with theirs. That’s how you have to be, because it avoids problems in the future. If I had neglected the basics in the beginning of my dating journey, I wouldn’t have someone who not only is on the same page as me, but actually helps me get to where I need to be! As opposed to feeling like someone is holding me back.
You have to be cutthroat getting to know people, know what is good for you and don’t fold. So when you actually meet someone and settle down, you can actually take the next steps: which is learn how to be a team together. But you can’t be a team with someone who don’t bring anything to the table.
Finding someone meaningful is always going to be a process, especially if you want it to last. You can find anyone to get married to, but will you be happy? And will it last? The idea of marriage is always going to be scary, its something new of course its going to be scary. But the process will be a lot more easier when you’re doing it as a team.
Hi Lula, need some advice on something.
Back in 2018 I had a crush on a guy and we started talking and we had a very good connection and I definitely could see him in my future, it only lasted 3 months and then he ghosted me and I later found out it was because him and my brother used to work at the same place and my brother would always drop him off home and he thought it was too disrespectful to carry on. We stopped speaking January 2019.
During covid around September 2020 his friend and I got close and we both work at the same place and before you know it we both caught feelings but we both stated we didn’t want to be in relationships so we causally saw each other for around 7 months. In those 7 months we did get intimate which I repent everyday for. That ‘fwb type situation’ came to an end April 2021.
Now the issue which I never thought would ever happen is the first guy has come back and wants to ask for my hand after 4 years of not speaking. Like i said before I definitely could’ve seen myself marrying this guy and we were very compatible but how do i live with the guilt about what I did with his friend, do i hide it from him but then the guilt would eat me up and what if his friend mentions it? or do i tell him everything and see his reaction??? Thanks in advance
Nope. Don’t do it.
You literally had a fwb situation with his friend. Forget about it.
Rule NUMERO UNO. Never chat to an exes mate, ESPECIALLY if you have done bits with him (Alhamdulilah you repented but styl point stands)
God forgives, men though? Never
Hi sister, what’s your thoughts on women marrying someone younger/the same age as themselves in this day and age?
Marrying someone younger than you requires a lot, and I mean, a lot of patience. You have to be willing to allow them to grow into a spouse if you’re going to commit to relationship with them. It’s the same way if an older man marries a younger woman.
However, women naturally want more security from a man and it’s hard to get that from someone who is still growing into one. That’s why personally it wouldn’t work for me.
Again, same kinda thing with marrying someone your own age. You guys are on the same level and it just depends on who is going at a faster pace. Again I believe women typically mature alot more than men and to me, if I feel like someone is trailing behind me (because I go at a very very fast space) – it simply wouldn’t work.
But everyone is different. If you and someone else are on the exact same page, it definitely could work. Just requires alot of patience and commitment.
So I have a ‘friend’ and she’s got herself a boyfriend. She never makes plans with me or comes you through when I invite her out, but goes to lengths to meet her bf. She pretty much blanks my messages and avoids phone calls now.
What should I do?
That’s apart of growing up I’m afraid.
You have to accept that friendship, even among the best of us, ebbs and flows.
When someone enters a relationship, it’s reasonable that they would spend more time with their significant other, even more when they start a family. Now that I’m in a relationship, if I see my friends get it one and they are always busy – I understand. Relationships are consuming, and not in a bad way. You’ve found someone who suddenly makes your life better, and you will always find ways for them to be in it. It’s like when you find your favourite meal, you’re gonna want it all the time.
Also, it might not just be a relationship. People are busy. I go weeks without seeing my friends, and it’s mainly because I’m either always working or recovering from the fact I’m always working. The point is, as you get older: people get busier and busier.
the friendship dynamic is going to change, and if it doesn’t: you’re just gonna hold each other back. Let people have their own lives, and the time you do get to spend together, let it be good. Don’t make it feel like an obligation.
Learn to accept the friendship for what it is, enjoy the time you spend together while it lasts but know it is ebbs and flows. I wouldn’t encourage you to neglect other aspects of you life and drop everything for friends and likewise don’t expect that from them.
Whilst she’s MIA, use this time to focus on your other present friends. Leave her to do what she’s doing. Don’t focus on her too much. If anything, this might be a sign to you that you’re willing to sacrifice too much for your friends. Categorise people exactly how they categorise YOU.
My little sister has begun self harming, something i did when I was younger but I have no idea how to go about this since nobody knew about mine. I dont know what to do or say especially since we’re not an expressive family. We have had extremely close people to us pass away in the past 2 years and I know she has taken it really hard. How do I even begin to comfort her and let her know i care and understand without scaring her off?
Out of everyone that could help her, it’s you.
Be afraid, but do it anyway.
Share your experiences with her, that is probably the only way you can form a bond right now. She needs to hear from someone she trusts that has experienced the exact same feeling she’s feeling now.
Don’t worry about whether you’re doing a good enough job, you can only do your best. And that is more than what most people are willing to do. Make time for her. That will be the most important part. Any time she’s feeling down, be there to pick her up. Show her you’re willing to drop anything at anytime just to be there for her. Trust me, she will open up to you like no way you’ve seen before. That comes with showing a person that you’re willing to sacrifice for them because they mean that much to you.
Find a hobby you guys can do together. Be gym buddies. In fact, sign up to a woman’s boxing class and doing it weekly together. On the ride home, go get and ice cream and talk about stuff. It doesn’t have to be deep, just talk about anything. It’ll be something to look forward to.
Until then, you are doing all the right things. May you forever be her light in an otherwise dark world.
Hi sis,
My husband and I have been married for a minute. We’re so in sync with most things: we have similar movie tastes, like going out, traveling, etc. Basically, almost perfect life, except our sex life.
I believe his sex drive is low, last visit to doctor shower low testosterone and he has since started taking medication. I, however, have not noticed a change in his sex drive at all. I do keep myself looking good and I know he finds me sexy. I have a high sex drive but I’m not going to be the one to jump him every night 🫣. I will initiate but it cannot be me all the time, that’s tiring.
We do experience extended periods of times when we are all on the same page, and that’s when I typically address the situation and express my desire for things not to go back to the way it was before. Should I be bringing this issue up more?
I love everything else but I don’t only want a room mate or best friend but rather a husband. I think the physical aspect of a marriage is important. Am I expecting too much? I would prefer sex daily, but can settle for 2-3 times a week. However, if I wait on him, it can sometime (not all the time) go on for weeks or up to a month. I’ve been coping, but it’s come to a point where I feel like I am at my limit and I’m not sure what to do. I will rather divorce than cheat on him but I’m hoping communication or therapy might be a better solution. Sadly, he’s not the best communication.
Please advise and make du’a for our marriage.
Thank you.
He might be more than tired; he might actually be depressed. “Tired” is often how people describe themselves when they’re in the middle of a serious depression phase. He might not even realise that he is anything more than “tired”.
Has his job changed since you got together?
There’s so many reasons why it could be. Obviously irrational explanations could be cheating – porn addiction – physical, intimacy or relational problems, work & depression. Last one seems more frequent around here. Job exhaustion is hidding the real cause.
But most importantly, you both need to learn to openly communicate with each other and listen to each other without fear of being judged by each other. Obviously this is a really awkward conversation to have but you need to have those in marriages. It’s the only way the situation gets better. You need to tell him what you wrote here and try to get that vital channel of communicado open both ways.
Secondly, he needs to figure out what is wrong with his energy levels, even if just for himself if nothing else. You’ve not elluded to what this could be cause by, his general health, schedule or any other mitigating factor in your post.
Inshallah the situation gets better, and I genuinely believe it will. It rarely is because your husband is no longer attracted to you, just that his life or responsibilities is too overwhelming for him to even think about intimacy
Hi lula, what was is your ideal way to meet someone? would u talk to a random who added on insta?
It depends on who they are following, and how many of those follows are women.
Hi, I need advice for my sister and you can post this on Twitter if you want. My sister is turning 27 and she has no friends her own age. She hangs out with me and best friend who are 2000 and my other older sister who is 98. She meets people through other people but doesn’t have her own friend group just acquaintances. Her age mates are either married, have kids or work in their career. Sometimes I forget there’s a 5 year age gap between us because of how immature she behaves. How do I tell my sister to act like her age mates and boss up without being harsh? Thanks.
BE HARSH
Stop allowing your sister to hang around with you.
My older sister used to be just like yours but the difference is I never let her feel comfortable whenever me and my friends were around, in fact – the only time my friends would be around her was if they came to pick me up and we were just about to leave. It’s a bit mean but this is how you avoid having older siblings thinking they are your age. I don’t have around with her friends (not like she has many) and she doesn’t hang around mine. Happy days.
Keep your lives separate especially when it comes to sibilings. Suddenly your sister could hear something whilst around your friends and now your mum knows.