My husbands family back home are constantly asking him for money. He sends it every time, and some months he sends around 1,000 and the next week they’re calling asking for more. He has a brother who always has stupid business ideas and asks him to give him a couple of grand for them, on top of a regular allowance for himself, his wife & kids plus money for medical emergencies. He asked for 2,000 this week and last week another brother got 500. Am I in the wrong to be annoyed? I don’t want to live my life having grown up adults sponging off of us, and we can’t live a comfortable life or save for our future.
Your husband is obviously being exploited by his relatives and need to put some boundaries between him and them. Don’t talk to him how you want him to spend money on you and your family, talk to him about how his money is being unfairly milked by his family and how dangerous that seems.
If that doesn’t work, ask him to put money aside or give to you for something else i.e: family savings account. Maybe he doesn’t think he’s taking away from your marriage because the money is going anywhere. If he sees he has to pay xyz monthly towards your joint savings, he will be less inclined to throw it on family members who are obviously taking advantage of him.
The only people he should be giving this kind of money to are his parents.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey I got married to a relative back home it’s been 2 years. When I went back home I was only speaking to him because he was actually handsome but it was just to pass the time. Anyway fast forward a few months – My family forced me to get married. Now I’m back home in the states it’s been 7 months since I’ve been back home. I regret getting married so much. But he’s not a bad guy. I’m trying to make a decision whether I should get the divorce or whether I should bring him here.
What did you gain from marrying him? Did you weigh up the pros and cons when you acted quickly with no thought to the consequences?
This is what I mean when I said listening to people will lead you to things that are not good for you. I guarantee your family won’t help you when you are struggling to pay and support him when you bring him over. So many times I have seen somali girls make the same mistake, and this one decision confines them to poverty and hardship.
Distance yourself from this family too, they do not have your best interest at heart! They are using you to bring him over. And if they can convince you to marry him, they can convince you to bring him over.
Divorce him now before you get pregnant and are tied to him for the rest of your life.
For once in your life, do what is best for YOU and not what other people think is best.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey sis
Quick question , the guy I’m speaking to says he doesn’t have insta , Twitter just snap and WhatsApp. Am I okay to be concerned loool or is it a good thing?? (We met off salams app btw )
We ft and call btw and use snap occasionally as well
Oh this is fantastic! They don’t make men like him anymore!
Anon
2 years ago
Hi I’ve been dating this guy for about 9months now and we’ve got intentions of getting married
He’s met my family and I’ve met his, we are just waiting on him to finish his studies. We recently got in an argument because I feel like he doesn’t do the small basic stuff for me like buy me flowers or write me love letters and check up on me if I have ate or etc. He felt really hurt that I said I feel like he doesn’t think about me. Am I wrong for asking for stuff like that?
I do believe in that saying “if he wanted to, he would”. It’s just how things work. When someone wants to do a simple thing they just do it.
Flowers? So simple. When he picks up food, he has to walk past the flowers. When he tops up his oyster, he has to walk by the flower booth. I can list a hundred stores near me that sell flowers – it isn’t like a ridiculous magic item impossible to locate. Men aren’t dumb (nor are women) but sometimes people pretend to be incompetent for their own reasons.
He just doesn’t think about buying flowers.
He doesn’t think about it, because he doesn’t want to do it and he probably doesn’t understand why YOU want flowers.
The answer is two-fold. One, talk to him about why you want flowers again and why it has been bothering you. It isn’t likely just about the flowers but about what a simple act like that symbolises.
Second, reconsider if you even want to be with him.
Sounds like a small thing, but for me, I could never marry someone like this. He hasn’t even married you yet, and he’s stopped trying to impress you. This is already a taster of how he will treat you.
But if I’m keeping it real, why does he have to give you more free samples if you already bought the product?. You reduced your worth to him without even realising when you rewarded him with the talk of marriage and getting to meet your parents.
That’s like promoting a shit employee to Star of the Month.
He GOT you.
So in his mind, he doesn’t need to worry about trying to woo you.
Anon
2 years ago
How do I get over a guy I’ve stopped talking to for over two years ? We stopped talking as he said he was going through something mentally and that he needed time to get his shit together. It has been over two years and I can’t seem to forget him . I honestly have so much love for him as we have created joyful and happy memories together. I keep thinking I’ll never find someone better than him as he has done so much for me in regards to making me a better Muslim and pushing me closer to the deen. I constantly keep telling myself that I won’t find no one better than him and reframe from talking to men. Should I have such high hopes into thinking he would come back? I have tried to talk to multiple males within the past year but have just found it hopeless and awkward as I seem like I can’t love or flirt anymore. I also still feel like I have a lot to get of my chest and wish I have said two years ago that I didn’t get the chance too. What should I do ?
2-years can be an unhealthy amount of time if it is affecting your life, and it sounds like a big part of it is because: you just don’t want to move on. And of course you won’t move on, especially when you keep thinking he was the best you’ll ever get.
Newsflash: just because a man encourages you to your best self, doesn’t mean he’s the Bee’s knees.
That’s the bare minimum for a partner.
Tell me something exceptional he did, that would maybe justify why you can’t move on 2 years later. But just encouraging you to be better is not enough for you to put your life on hold for 2 years.
Your relationship has run its course and you are not dealing with this in a healthy way, because you are holding onto him at the expense of YOURSELF. If he wanted you half as much as you want him, he would work on his mental health with you by his side.
Do married people get divorced when one is going through something? No. A partner is there for support. But he didn’t feel that way with you to want your support. Bottom line
Anon
2 years ago
Hi
I overly shared with my husband about my childhood trauma and physical abuse
By my maternal uncle. Did I do the wrong thing as since then we’ve never been the same. We argue over everything we never have patience to hear each other out. I’m worried it’s my fault I over shared and he just doesn’t know how to handle me anymore. He always says I wish I was the old person before I told him all this to the now the current person I am. I also am not accepted much by my mother in law she’s always spreading lies about me but the husband doesn’t want to hear it or hear me out. I’m very confused what to do? I decided I wouldn’t share anymore and just be the person he wants me to be
Seriously consider marriage counselling. If you work in corporate, you might actually be allowed 6 sessions with your private medical care benefits (They never share this with your employer).
You guys are clearly struggling with how to communicate with each other, counselling will definitely help with this imo. You are investing in something that will grow. Just as neglecting your health and finances could lead to illness and debt, neglecting your relationship could lead to divorce or an unhappy marriage at best. I don’t even think this is because you overshared, I genuinely just believe your husband doesn’t have the tools to deal with your traumas, and that is also fair. He can only support you in your healing journey, not do it for you.
Please consider it. When you invest in counselling, what you are really investing in is the will to change. Accepting help from someone else in an intimate area of your life will be difficult but at least it will help you find the problem, deal with them, address them, and remove the offending party from your lives.
Anon
2 years ago
My friend of 10+ years follows people I don’t fuck with on all her social media plateforms. She follows our recent ex friend who I cut off because off her . Every time we go to weddings and places she hugs and waves at people who give me dirty looks . Every time we are out together I catch her viewing their Snapchats stories etc .. I have talked to her about it multiple times but she just laughed and said she didn’t know how to be “ mean or give them dirty looks “. I don’t know what to know 🤷🏾♀️I don’t want to bring up the topic again just hurts me she follows all my bullies and people who made my life hard .
Reduce your friendship with her the same way she did with yours. this is not even worth a conversation to have tbh. You know what it is, and you move accordingly. Almost take accountability yourself and don’t go out with her if you know she’s gonna be around with people who make you feel a certain way. Go out with her when you know she is going to talk to your haters in front of you. She’s forgotten first and foremost she is friends with you, but she doesn’t care.
The issue does not need solving. Deep down you already know what it is moving forward. From that moment on you can no longer hang out with your friend and do all those things which the two of you enjoyed before, let alone confide in her, entrusting to the latter your deepest feelings and secrets. She’s soiled whatever bond you had, everything after that will be different if not broken.
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sis. Just wanted to ask if 25k is an unreasonable mehr price? I’m not currently talking to anyone but I’ve recently heard that uk girls usually ask for around 10k. Is this true?
What factors should come into choosing the right price?
Sure asking for 25k is perfectly reasonable, if he makes over 6 figures.
Now if earns anything less than that, even asking for 10k-15k might be a stretch especially with our current living cost. Know what your potential spouse can afford and don’t overdo it.
If he earns 30k a year, ask for 3k. If he earns 40k, ask for 4k. If he makes 80k, ask for 8k. Does that make sense?
Don’t just throw around numbers and hope one sticks, its silly.
Anon
2 years ago
I married a man who previously mentioned that he was ready to start a family and provide for me & our future children. However, he has never given me any money. He doesn’t spend on me nor our child’s maintenance. He doesn’t pay any bills and has only paid our rent once (when I asked him to) in 2 years of marriage/living together. He works, but he spends his salary on himself and to pay off his debts, which wasn’t disclosed before marriage. I initially got married for the sake of Allah, but I feel as if my basic rights as a wife aren’t being met. Now I just feel like I can’t be romantic with him anymore because he can’t be a provider & protector of the family.
On top of that, my parents just finalized their divorce. My dad won’t support my mom anymore and she won’t have any source of income since she is old, doesn’t want to re-marry, nor look for a job. I’m the only child and I know that my mother will have to rely on me for money. I’m an unemployed college dropout and my husband knows all this but still expect me to pay for everything? Alhamdulillah my dad is very generous and I’ve been paying bills & household needs with his money. But I don’t feel comfortable to continue spending his money on my family when my mom is struggling in a different country.
Maybe my husband doesn’t spend on our maintenance because he thinks I’m well off? But I have no income, and the money from my dad was supposed to be for our savings. Isn’t it still the husband’s responsibility to provide even if the wife has her own money? Am I being financially abused? Would it be wrong for me to ask for a divorce, and try to look for a job in my country to finance & care for my mom and my child?
I have so much to say and can’t organize it, so I apologise in advance.
This is such a dire situation, wallahi I am in shock. How has this man been able to get away with this for so long? Inshallah illahi improves your situation.
First thing’s first: this man is a waste. There are no excuses for him and I’m not going to make one. How a man treats his family is a reflection of him. He is incapable of being a husband and he will never be able to live up to that role.
Now with that said, you need to take ownership and responsibility for your actions as well. Situations like this, it’s good to reflect so it can be a reminder that you actually had control over the role you played in your relationship, it wasn’t just him. Your ship started sinking a long time ago and instead of jumping to save your life, you stuck around hoping things would work out. And it got worse.
Wallahi I have to keep it 100 with you. People will treat you the way you allow them to. He got away with this sham for 2 years because you allowed him to. As his wife you become the one that will hold him accountable, and vice versa. Yet you didn’t. Warranted, its probably down to your own ignorance of not knowing any better, not having people to talk to this about but part of me genuinely thinks its your unwillingness to take accountability and see how you’ve also contributed to this.
Relationships (of any kind, not just romantic) involve giving and taking right? They involve compromise and sacrifice from both parties. You need to be willing to meet each other half way. One cannot constantly bend to your wishes without receiving anything in return. You have to compromise, and you should want to! You should want to meet each other half way, at the very least, because you care about them. Sometimes it will be 50/50, sometimes it will be 30/70, sometimes it will be 10/90, and sometimes it will be the opposite (90/10, 70/30, etc). That’s marriage.
However, it should not constantly be 90/10. And this is your problem.
If you’re always giving 90 and they’re always giving only 10, they’re taking full advantage of you, but that doesn’t inherently mean that they’re intentionally doing it. Regardless of their intentions though, you’re allowing it, which is why they keep doing it! The relationships you settle for, show a great deal about how you treat yourself. It shows what you’ll tolerate and the ways you’ll allow yourself to be treated. It’s a hard pill to swallow but you gotta swallow it.
Either your husband steps up and starts giving equal efforts, or the relationship deteriorates because he choses not step up, and the two of you fade from each other’s life. Hard pill to swallow? You just weren’t that important to them. Not saying you weren’t important to them at all, just not important enough.
You’re responsibilities are piling up, you need someone on your team to help you alleviate those responsibilities. Not make it worse. Ask yourself, how will your life change if he is no longer around?
Will you struggle paying bills? No, you do that already.
Will you struggle looking after your child? No, you do that already.
Whatever possibility you fear being divorced and without him, its already happening now you just can’t see it. I think it’s in your best interest to start anticipating your future plans now so that you’re prepared. Start saving, get a job, sort out childcare etc. I honestly believe life will be so much easier for you when you drop this dead weight from your life. You only share one child together, don’t wait until you have five and no choice but to stay.
My husbands family back home are constantly asking him for money. He sends it every time, and some months he sends around 1,000 and the next week they’re calling asking for more. He has a brother who always has stupid business ideas and asks him to give him a couple of grand for them, on top of a regular allowance for himself, his wife & kids plus money for medical emergencies. He asked for 2,000 this week and last week another brother got 500. Am I in the wrong to be annoyed? I don’t want to live my life having grown up adults sponging off of us, and we can’t live a comfortable life or save for our future.
Your husband is obviously being exploited by his relatives and need to put some boundaries between him and them. Don’t talk to him how you want him to spend money on you and your family, talk to him about how his money is being unfairly milked by his family and how dangerous that seems.
If that doesn’t work, ask him to put money aside or give to you for something else i.e: family savings account. Maybe he doesn’t think he’s taking away from your marriage because the money is going anywhere. If he sees he has to pay xyz monthly towards your joint savings, he will be less inclined to throw it on family members who are obviously taking advantage of him.
The only people he should be giving this kind of money to are his parents.
Hey I got married to a relative back home it’s been 2 years. When I went back home I was only speaking to him because he was actually handsome but it was just to pass the time. Anyway fast forward a few months – My family forced me to get married. Now I’m back home in the states it’s been 7 months since I’ve been back home. I regret getting married so much. But he’s not a bad guy. I’m trying to make a decision whether I should get the divorce or whether I should bring him here.
Can I be honest with you?
What did you gain from marrying him? Did you weigh up the pros and cons when you acted quickly with no thought to the consequences?
This is what I mean when I said listening to people will lead you to things that are not good for you. I guarantee your family won’t help you when you are struggling to pay and support him when you bring him over. So many times I have seen somali girls make the same mistake, and this one decision confines them to poverty and hardship.
Distance yourself from this family too, they do not have your best interest at heart! They are using you to bring him over. And if they can convince you to marry him, they can convince you to bring him over.
Divorce him now before you get pregnant and are tied to him for the rest of your life.
For once in your life, do what is best for YOU and not what other people think is best.
Hey sis
Quick question , the guy I’m speaking to says he doesn’t have insta , Twitter just snap and WhatsApp. Am I okay to be concerned loool or is it a good thing?? (We met off salams app btw )
We ft and call btw and use snap occasionally as well
Thanks in advance sis xxx
Oh this is fantastic! They don’t make men like him anymore!
Hi I’ve been dating this guy for about 9months now and we’ve got intentions of getting married
He’s met my family and I’ve met his, we are just waiting on him to finish his studies. We recently got in an argument because I feel like he doesn’t do the small basic stuff for me like buy me flowers or write me love letters and check up on me if I have ate or etc. He felt really hurt that I said I feel like he doesn’t think about me. Am I wrong for asking for stuff like that?
I do believe in that saying “if he wanted to, he would”. It’s just how things work. When someone wants to do a simple thing they just do it.
Flowers? So simple. When he picks up food, he has to walk past the flowers. When he tops up his oyster, he has to walk by the flower booth. I can list a hundred stores near me that sell flowers – it isn’t like a ridiculous magic item impossible to locate. Men aren’t dumb (nor are women) but sometimes people pretend to be incompetent for their own reasons.
He just doesn’t think about buying flowers.
He doesn’t think about it, because he doesn’t want to do it and he probably doesn’t understand why YOU want flowers.
The answer is two-fold. One, talk to him about why you want flowers again and why it has been bothering you. It isn’t likely just about the flowers but about what a simple act like that symbolises.
Second, reconsider if you even want to be with him.
Sounds like a small thing, but for me, I could never marry someone like this. He hasn’t even married you yet, and he’s stopped trying to impress you. This is already a taster of how he will treat you.
But if I’m keeping it real, why does he have to give you more free samples if you already bought the product?. You reduced your worth to him without even realising when you rewarded him with the talk of marriage and getting to meet your parents.
That’s like promoting a shit employee to Star of the Month.
He GOT you.
So in his mind, he doesn’t need to worry about trying to woo you.
How do I get over a guy I’ve stopped talking to for over two years ? We stopped talking as he said he was going through something mentally and that he needed time to get his shit together. It has been over two years and I can’t seem to forget him . I honestly have so much love for him as we have created joyful and happy memories together. I keep thinking I’ll never find someone better than him as he has done so much for me in regards to making me a better Muslim and pushing me closer to the deen. I constantly keep telling myself that I won’t find no one better than him and reframe from talking to men. Should I have such high hopes into thinking he would come back? I have tried to talk to multiple males within the past year but have just found it hopeless and awkward as I seem like I can’t love or flirt anymore. I also still feel like I have a lot to get of my chest and wish I have said two years ago that I didn’t get the chance too. What should I do ?
2-years can be an unhealthy amount of time if it is affecting your life, and it sounds like a big part of it is because: you just don’t want to move on. And of course you won’t move on, especially when you keep thinking he was the best you’ll ever get.
Newsflash: just because a man encourages you to your best self, doesn’t mean he’s the Bee’s knees.
That’s the bare minimum for a partner.
Tell me something exceptional he did, that would maybe justify why you can’t move on 2 years later. But just encouraging you to be better is not enough for you to put your life on hold for 2 years.
Your relationship has run its course and you are not dealing with this in a healthy way, because you are holding onto him at the expense of YOURSELF. If he wanted you half as much as you want him, he would work on his mental health with you by his side.
Do married people get divorced when one is going through something? No. A partner is there for support. But he didn’t feel that way with you to want your support. Bottom line
Hi
I overly shared with my husband about my childhood trauma and physical abuse
By my maternal uncle. Did I do the wrong thing as since then we’ve never been the same. We argue over everything we never have patience to hear each other out. I’m worried it’s my fault I over shared and he just doesn’t know how to handle me anymore. He always says I wish I was the old person before I told him all this to the now the current person I am. I also am not accepted much by my mother in law she’s always spreading lies about me but the husband doesn’t want to hear it or hear me out. I’m very confused what to do? I decided I wouldn’t share anymore and just be the person he wants me to be
Seriously consider marriage counselling. If you work in corporate, you might actually be allowed 6 sessions with your private medical care benefits (They never share this with your employer).
You guys are clearly struggling with how to communicate with each other, counselling will definitely help with this imo. You are investing in something that will grow. Just as neglecting your health and finances could lead to illness and debt, neglecting your relationship could lead to divorce or an unhappy marriage at best. I don’t even think this is because you overshared, I genuinely just believe your husband doesn’t have the tools to deal with your traumas, and that is also fair. He can only support you in your healing journey, not do it for you.
Please consider it. When you invest in counselling, what you are really investing in is the will to change. Accepting help from someone else in an intimate area of your life will be difficult but at least it will help you find the problem, deal with them, address them, and remove the offending party from your lives.
My friend of 10+ years follows people I don’t fuck with on all her social media plateforms. She follows our recent ex friend who I cut off because off her . Every time we go to weddings and places she hugs and waves at people who give me dirty looks . Every time we are out together I catch her viewing their Snapchats stories etc .. I have talked to her about it multiple times but she just laughed and said she didn’t know how to be “ mean or give them dirty looks “. I don’t know what to know 🤷🏾♀️I don’t want to bring up the topic again just hurts me she follows all my bullies and people who made my life hard .
Reduce your friendship with her the same way she did with yours. this is not even worth a conversation to have tbh. You know what it is, and you move accordingly. Almost take accountability yourself and don’t go out with her if you know she’s gonna be around with people who make you feel a certain way. Go out with her when you know she is going to talk to your haters in front of you. She’s forgotten first and foremost she is friends with you, but she doesn’t care.
The issue does not need solving. Deep down you already know what it is moving forward. From that moment on you can no longer hang out with your friend and do all those things which the two of you enjoyed before, let alone confide in her, entrusting to the latter your deepest feelings and secrets. She’s soiled whatever bond you had, everything after that will be different if not broken.
Salam sis. Just wanted to ask if 25k is an unreasonable mehr price? I’m not currently talking to anyone but I’ve recently heard that uk girls usually ask for around 10k. Is this true?
What factors should come into choosing the right price?
Sure asking for 25k is perfectly reasonable, if he makes over 6 figures.
Now if earns anything less than that, even asking for 10k-15k might be a stretch especially with our current living cost. Know what your potential spouse can afford and don’t overdo it.
If he earns 30k a year, ask for 3k. If he earns 40k, ask for 4k. If he makes 80k, ask for 8k. Does that make sense?
Don’t just throw around numbers and hope one sticks, its silly.
I married a man who previously mentioned that he was ready to start a family and provide for me & our future children. However, he has never given me any money. He doesn’t spend on me nor our child’s maintenance. He doesn’t pay any bills and has only paid our rent once (when I asked him to) in 2 years of marriage/living together. He works, but he spends his salary on himself and to pay off his debts, which wasn’t disclosed before marriage. I initially got married for the sake of Allah, but I feel as if my basic rights as a wife aren’t being met. Now I just feel like I can’t be romantic with him anymore because he can’t be a provider & protector of the family.
On top of that, my parents just finalized their divorce. My dad won’t support my mom anymore and she won’t have any source of income since she is old, doesn’t want to re-marry, nor look for a job. I’m the only child and I know that my mother will have to rely on me for money. I’m an unemployed college dropout and my husband knows all this but still expect me to pay for everything? Alhamdulillah my dad is very generous and I’ve been paying bills & household needs with his money. But I don’t feel comfortable to continue spending his money on my family when my mom is struggling in a different country.
Maybe my husband doesn’t spend on our maintenance because he thinks I’m well off? But I have no income, and the money from my dad was supposed to be for our savings. Isn’t it still the husband’s responsibility to provide even if the wife has her own money? Am I being financially abused? Would it be wrong for me to ask for a divorce, and try to look for a job in my country to finance & care for my mom and my child?
I have so much to say and can’t organize it, so I apologise in advance.
This is such a dire situation, wallahi I am in shock. How has this man been able to get away with this for so long? Inshallah illahi improves your situation.
First thing’s first: this man is a waste. There are no excuses for him and I’m not going to make one. How a man treats his family is a reflection of him. He is incapable of being a husband and he will never be able to live up to that role.
Now with that said, you need to take ownership and responsibility for your actions as well. Situations like this, it’s good to reflect so it can be a reminder that you actually had control over the role you played in your relationship, it wasn’t just him. Your ship started sinking a long time ago and instead of jumping to save your life, you stuck around hoping things would work out. And it got worse.
Wallahi I have to keep it 100 with you. People will treat you the way you allow them to. He got away with this sham for 2 years because you allowed him to. As his wife you become the one that will hold him accountable, and vice versa. Yet you didn’t. Warranted, its probably down to your own ignorance of not knowing any better, not having people to talk to this about but part of me genuinely thinks its your unwillingness to take accountability and see how you’ve also contributed to this.
Relationships (of any kind, not just romantic) involve giving and taking right? They involve compromise and sacrifice from both parties. You need to be willing to meet each other half way. One cannot constantly bend to your wishes without receiving anything in return. You have to compromise, and you should want to! You should want to meet each other half way, at the very least, because you care about them. Sometimes it will be 50/50, sometimes it will be 30/70, sometimes it will be 10/90, and sometimes it will be the opposite (90/10, 70/30, etc). That’s marriage.
However, it should not constantly be 90/10. And this is your problem.
If you’re always giving 90 and they’re always giving only 10, they’re taking full advantage of you, but that doesn’t inherently mean that they’re intentionally doing it. Regardless of their intentions though, you’re allowing it, which is why they keep doing it! The relationships you settle for, show a great deal about how you treat yourself. It shows what you’ll tolerate and the ways you’ll allow yourself to be treated. It’s a hard pill to swallow but you gotta swallow it.
Either your husband steps up and starts giving equal efforts, or the relationship deteriorates because he choses not step up, and the two of you fade from each other’s life. Hard pill to swallow? You just weren’t that important to them. Not saying you weren’t important to them at all, just not important enough.
You’re responsibilities are piling up, you need someone on your team to help you alleviate those responsibilities. Not make it worse. Ask yourself, how will your life change if he is no longer around?
Will you struggle paying bills? No, you do that already.
Will you struggle looking after your child? No, you do that already.
Whatever possibility you fear being divorced and without him, its already happening now you just can’t see it. I think it’s in your best interest to start anticipating your future plans now so that you’re prepared. Start saving, get a job, sort out childcare etc. I honestly believe life will be so much easier for you when you drop this dead weight from your life. You only share one child together, don’t wait until you have five and no choice but to stay.
What is your opinion on hitting children ?
I have 8 nieces and nephews and I’ve never had to hit them once, and they respect me all the same. I don’t believe in it.