I’ve been getting to know a guy. He’s caught feelings and recent told me he loves me and wants marriage wishing the next few months and told me to let my family know.
However,
I’m scared. I feel like I’ve not accomplished anything even though allhamdulliah I’ve graduated I work in a really good law firm etc
I can’t help shake the feeling I can’t commit.
Does this mean he’s not the one? Or shall I give it time?
One thing I noticed in your message is that you haven’t mentioned your feelings for him. It seems like you’re more focused on his feelings and desires than your own. In any healthy relationship, both of you need to have a mutual and genuine affection for each other. Love and commitment should be a two-way street. If not forget about it
Before making any decisions about the future of this relationship, listen to how you feel. Do you have strong feelings for him? Can you see a future together with him? Are there any specific reasons why you’re hesitant to commit?
And you don’t have to get married tomorrow. It’s okay to take things slow and give yourself time to figure out your emotions. I’m 39 next year and one thing I have learned is that rushing into a marriage or any significant commitment without being sure of your own feelings is how people end up getting divorced
Ultimately, whether he’s “the one” or not is a decision only you can make. Things like that take time
Anon
1 year ago
Oh my days you’re Back!
Hey!
I’ve come to the recent conclusion I’m forever self sabotaging! I’m currently in therapy for this and boy am I unpacking a lot.
But now that I’m in a better place mentally and emotionally. I can’t help but overthink my past relationship.
I really did do him wrong and I’m convinced he’s the one that got away. I’ve tried moving on getting to know other people, I even moved out my little town just to get over the heartbreak. I really regret it. Im scared of reaching out to him. Last I heard he was getting to know someone ☹️🥲
Any tips for someone in my shoes!
Thinking back to old relationships can really have to wearing rose-colored glasses honestly
Spinning the block looks like an easy option. No awkward phone conversations or planning first dates; don’t need to worry about if the chemistry will be go enough. There won’t be any shocks or surprises that you can’t tolerate because you know everything. Things like the wistful what ifs, could haves and if onlys. It’s really easy to fall back into a routine of comfort and stability tbh
So you assume that the second time around will be easier.
It won’t be
Going back to an ex is just a fantasy of what could have been. Even if you think you knew everything about him and decided you were compatible. The thing about a fantasy is it kinda forgets why you broke up in the first place. It’s not centred on why it didn’t work but what it could have been.
My opinion? The best way to stop fantasizing is just to go out and find someone else. You were in a relationship, there are some amazing things about that that you miss. But let it go. Your ex has moved on and so should you. Find someone or something new to consciously fill in these empty moments you find yourself in.
Anon
1 year ago
Sis omg! I’m so happy your back Ive been following you for a while and been waiting for the sister guide to come back thank you
I have this problem where I love when a man it nonchalant and when he starts caring and being so in love with me I just don’t want it anymore and I get the ick no matter what I do. My previous two relationships I had to teach them to love me and once they started to love me and treat me right I just got the ick. I’m with a guy right now and I honestly think I love him and want to be with him. My only problem is he’s starting to fall head over heels for me now and I’m on the verge of getting the ick. This sounds so horrible but I love the chase and I want a nonchalant man but this guy is different. I want it to work with him. I don’t want to get the ick. How do I stop this from happening? Do I have a messed up mind set? Sis, anything helps at this point.
Love all your stuff btw! I’ve been following you for a while <3
I’d bet money that you probably didn’t grow up seeing healthy relationships. You probably had a string of situationships, long periods of talking where it felt like you were doing the most leg work and getting nothing in return. Which is why you pursue these same unstable relationships now. Because you don’t think you deserve stability. You view love as earned through blood and tears, and not as a free resource to lean on. Which is probably why you convince yourself that nice, approachable, available men are boring. But the reality is, on a core level, you don’t think you deserve that. So like, it’s easier to convince yourself that I don’t like this than it is to ride out that feeling of “how long until I do something to fuck this up.” Or even worse “how long until he sees me for who I really am”
And when it comes to the latter…. If a really nice and emotionally available man comes into your life then they will eventually want real emotional intimacy from you, which means he will get to really know you and I wonder if you’ve ever let anyone really get to you know. Because when we expose ourselves for who we really are, we run the risk of experiencing real rejection and that’s terrifying :/
That’s why you chase after shitty avoidant losers because subconsciously you know the risk is mitigated.
If your goal is love, intimacy, trust and having a family – you gotta have a real honest conversation with yourself and get real about what you think you deserve.
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce almost 7 years ago that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done differently… I got married just as I was turning 27 to someone I knew wasn’t the man for me. Marriage is not a “One day only offer”, you will have several opportunities to meet the love of your life. It’s a journey that needs planning, precautions, prevention and preparation.
Sometimes you will feel like it’s only you left behind and naturally how these things go, all of your friends around you seem to be on a whole different level than you. You’ve somehow skyrocketed to this whole new, unfamiliar chapter of life and things are very different now. You’ll go online and everyday it feels like EVERYone has babies now. EVERYone is or is about to get married (and not at all like past times you’ve ever thought it felt that way. This time it’s for REAL, for real. Now it really is every single one of your friends.)
It can be really hard to not compare yourself to your peers at this chapter of life. It’s important to focus on things that will align you on your own path to your highest self. What’s good for someone else isn’t necessarily good for you anyway, and that can be a hard thing to learn.
Perhaps the problem is because of this: you’re worried about getting “too old” (which nobody ever is), and you’re caving into pressure to play catch-up and settle down quick.
It’s soo important to understand where this pressure is coming from. Part of it may stem from a sense of resentment that things haven’t fallen into place as you’d hoped. In my own post-divorce experience, I’ve still been able to date and connect with others with the intention of finding a life partner. I don’t conform to the stereotype that divorcees aren’t worthy of love because I’m content with where I am in life. When someone gets to know me, they realise I’m already fulfilled, and if they fit into my life, it’s a bonus. If they don’t, it’s no skin off my back.
What I want to emphasise is that if you continue down this path of trying to rush into relationships and ticking off relationship milestones like items on a checklist, you might unintentionally push away potential partners. Authentic connections are built on genuine compatibility and shared values, not on racing against time. Those who willingly overlook your clock-watching tendencies and try to match that pace may not be the best fit for you in the long run.
So let love and relationships develop naturally, at a pace that is right for you.
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sis, I hope you’re well. I’m turning 29 and I am not married yet. I’m starting to feel a lot of pressure. I am actively looking and put myself out there but I can’t seem to find the right person for me. I honestly don’t know why I’m struggling because I don’t think what I look for is unrealistic. I am a practising muslim and want to find a man that is practising. I’ve tried to keep an open mind and have put myself out there but there is not a massive pool to pick from and most of the good men are taken. I’m starting to lose hope. Need some advice x
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce almost 7 years ago that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done differently… I got married just as I was turning 27 to someone I knew wasn’t the man for me. Marriage is not a “One day only offer”, you will have several opportunities to meet the love of your life. It’s a journey that needs planning, precautions, prevention and preparation.
Sometimes you will feel like it’s only you left behind and naturally how these things go, all of your friends around you seem to be on a whole different level than you. You’ve somehow skyrocketed to this whole new, unfamiliar chapter of life and things are very different now. You’ll go online and everyday it feels like EVERYone has babies now. EVERYone is or is about to get married (and not at all like past times you’ve ever thought it felt that way. This time it’s for REAL, for real. Now it really is every single one of your friends.)
It can be really hard to not compare yourself to your peers at this chapter of life. It’s important to focus on things that will align you on your own path to your highest self. What’s good for someone else isn’t necessarily good for you anyway, and that can be a hard thing to learn.
Perhaps the problem is because of this: you’re worried about getting “too old” (which nobody ever is), and you’re caving into pressure to play catch-up and settle down quick.
It’s soo important to understand where this pressure is coming from. Part of it may stem from a sense of resentment that things haven’t fallen into place as you’d hoped. In my own post-divorce experience, I’ve still been able to date and connect with others with the intention of finding a life partner. I don’t conform to the stereotype that divorcees aren’t worthy of love because I’m content with where I am in life. When someone gets to know me, they realize I’m already fulfilled, and if they fit into my life, it’s a bonus. If they don’t, it’s no skin off my back.
What I want to emphasize is that if you continue down this path of trying to rush into relationships and ticking off relationship milestones like items on a checklist, you might unintentionally push away potential partners. Authentic connections are built on genuine compatibility and shared values, not on racing against time. Those who willingly overlook your clock-watching tendencies and try to match that pace may not be the best fit for you in the long run.
So let love and relationships develop naturally, at a pace that is right for you.
Anon
2 years ago
salaam sis please answer my dilemma! i was with this man for a year. he proposed about 3 months in and we were happy and we both added a lot of value to each other’s lives. he was so sweet, respectful, loving, kind. just genuinely the best human being i’ve ever met. only problem was he was unemployed the whole time. he was trying so hard to look for a job but the job market where he lives is nasty. i decided to end it after a year cause i didnt want to be with a man who cant provide financially, and its not like any family was gonna help us after marriage. i feel so lonely and miss him, and we’re still v in love. what should i do?
Not marrying or dating someone because of poor financial background or unstable career doesn’t make you a bad person. First things first. I’m not saying that you should date or marry someone just because they’re rich or have a very stable career. I do understand that there is more to life than just money.
What I’m actually saying is when you’re considering to date or marry someone, you also are deciding to spend your life and time with them. And marrying someone who has no financial or career stability will cause problem in the relationship when important decisions in life are to be made (eg. Having kids, buying a house). So for that reason I believe you made the best decision for yourself. But with that said, you’re doing the same exact thing you did rushing into marriage 3 months in with someone who couldn’t look after you and that is what you need to address.
You should never marry someone due to your negative reasons (fear). You should marry someone due to neutral to positive reasons (better life, benefits > costs, etc.). Lots of these people break up later or just use the excuse that they felt forced into the marriage to treat it like crap later. It’s just not a good foundation.
And if he loves you as much as he says he does, he will follow through with his actions. His love for you should motivate him into being stable, providing because that’s what love does. Love makes you become the best version of yourself not just for you, but for the person you love. Don’t listen to lip service. Listen to what he does
Anon
2 years ago
Hey I was recently interested in this girl and what not , but recently her father told me they were requesting 10k mehr gbp . Technically it won’t be a such a big burden since alhamdulilah I have some assets and also come from a wealthy family however I’m 22 and all my friends who married great wife’s only paid maximum 4k so and I feel some type of way . Also, people are saying that I’m doing too much even though I can technically afford it. On top of that I feel like it mostly her family who’s pushing this more than her which makes it worse , like there exploiting me as a young man also keep in mind I haven’t reached my financial peak
Did you not just say you can afford the 10K? Then what is the problem? Why are you wondering what another woman got for her mehr, is she your wife?
ALSO don’t forget her dad is her mahram, he speaks on her behalf! So this is what she has requested.
Maybe you aren’t ready to get married, I’ll be real. Because if you didn’t have it, then I would be more inclined to agree with you, but you just said it wasn’t a problem until you heard something from someone else.
That is the real problem.
You are too easily influenced to be somebody’s Husband. I guarantee you’d feel the same way too if you were getting married to a woman who listens to her friends all day. I would actually agree with you that women like that are problematic.
You probably put a high value on other people’s opinions. You’ve failed already. Your most important role as a Husband is to shield his wife from others. Not only is she a reflection of you, but if they can talk about her and you’re actually agreeing with them…
What does that say about you?
Work on self-image and confidence. Read books and everything else you can get hands on, so you’d understand better how dumb average person is and how worthless their opinion usually tends to be. You won’t survive a year of marriage if you are too busy placing value on the opinions of other people. Trust me they will have many. Especially for you considering how young you are. They will assume you don’t know what you’re doing and that you don’t have a mind of your own, and if we’re being completely honest, you’re kinda proving them right.
Ignore group thinking and acknowledge that 90% of what you hear is bullshit.
Then worry about getting married.
Last edited 2 years ago by Lulu
Anon
2 years ago
Hey girl,
I’m in a sticky situation. Alhamdulilah me and my man want to get married and I’m just overwhelmed with the whole wedding thing. I’m stuck between wanting to have a wedding or just to keep it simple and have a nikkah. My man doesn’t really care he is happy with whatever I want but my family especially my mum is adamant that I have a wedding not just any wedding but a big wedding. I feel like if I don’t have a wedding I will regret it later on I want to experience that whole thing but at the same time if I have a nikkah only there’s more barakah in it. I just don’t know what to do.
Stop doing what other people want, otherwise you’ll end up doing that your whole life. What do you want? Have a proper conversation with yourself and find whatever the answer is. And go with it. Your mum is not the one who is getting married. She will get over it. My mum wanted me to have a big wedding, but she got over it. In fact, afterwards she was talking about how easy the process was and that she was glad.
Do what you want
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sis I hope you’re doing okay.
Basically I got married recently to the love of my life (alhamdulilah). And there’s absolutely nothing wrong in the marriage.
However seeing my dad financially abuse my mum throughout her life has given me next level anxiety which I never knew I would have before entering the marriage.
My husband has never given any flags that he would ever treat me the way I was used to seeing growing up and I feel bad to have this kind of anxiety that I’m gonna end up financially abused like my mum was.
I feel really bad wallah and i don’t know how to stop having bad thoughts.
Congratulations and May Allah swt bless your marriage
Don’t feel bad sis! Wallahi this is a good thing. It means that you are wise and you don’t want to end up like your Mother did. That’s called survival instinct. After all, the traits of human nature evolved because this feeling helped us to make good decisions, not bad ones. So don’t feel bad. You are protecting yourself.
You’re scared of being financially abused right? Is this your husband’s problem? No, it’s yours. You need to make yourself feel comfortable first and foremost. You do this by getting a job, being accountable with your savings, climbing the career ladder before you have children.
You feel this way because you feel like you haven’t prioritised your security before you got married, so prioritise it now. Otherwise you’ll just continue to have these thoughts.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey sis. Hope you are well. My partner and I are in our early 20’s we been in a longterm relationship and recently we have been talking about marriage. However, he has told me he wants to take a break whilst he establishes his career before committing to each other. Is a break needed for this I’m confused? I’m finding this difficult I’m not gonna lie we used to speak every single day to now literally no communication. How long am I suppose to wait for him? Am I wasting my time? I do really love him and see a future with him just don’t know what to do.
Take him at face value. He can’t be in a relationship. He isn’t into you and is trying to let you down easy, while still keeping you on the back burner in case he can’t find anyone else.
Chances are, he will just find somebody that he actually wants. Most men are too cowardly to tell you exactly how it is, so they just bamboozle you instead.
You are young and life is short. Go find someone else.
Hey,
I’ve been getting to know a guy. He’s caught feelings and recent told me he loves me and wants marriage wishing the next few months and told me to let my family know.
However,
I’m scared. I feel like I’ve not accomplished anything even though allhamdulliah I’ve graduated I work in a really good law firm etc
I can’t help shake the feeling I can’t commit.
Does this mean he’s not the one? Or shall I give it time?
One thing I noticed in your message is that you haven’t mentioned your feelings for him. It seems like you’re more focused on his feelings and desires than your own. In any healthy relationship, both of you need to have a mutual and genuine affection for each other. Love and commitment should be a two-way street. If not forget about it
Before making any decisions about the future of this relationship, listen to how you feel. Do you have strong feelings for him? Can you see a future together with him? Are there any specific reasons why you’re hesitant to commit?
And you don’t have to get married tomorrow. It’s okay to take things slow and give yourself time to figure out your emotions. I’m 39 next year and one thing I have learned is that rushing into a marriage or any significant commitment without being sure of your own feelings is how people end up getting divorced
Ultimately, whether he’s “the one” or not is a decision only you can make. Things like that take time
Oh my days you’re Back!
Hey!
I’ve come to the recent conclusion I’m forever self sabotaging! I’m currently in therapy for this and boy am I unpacking a lot.
But now that I’m in a better place mentally and emotionally. I can’t help but overthink my past relationship.
I really did do him wrong and I’m convinced he’s the one that got away. I’ve tried moving on getting to know other people, I even moved out my little town just to get over the heartbreak. I really regret it. Im scared of reaching out to him. Last I heard he was getting to know someone ☹️🥲
Any tips for someone in my shoes!
Thinking back to old relationships can really have to wearing rose-colored glasses honestly
Spinning the block looks like an easy option. No awkward phone conversations or planning first dates; don’t need to worry about if the chemistry will be go enough. There won’t be any shocks or surprises that you can’t tolerate because you know everything. Things like the wistful what ifs, could haves and if onlys. It’s really easy to fall back into a routine of comfort and stability tbh
So you assume that the second time around will be easier.
It won’t be
Going back to an ex is just a fantasy of what could have been. Even if you think you knew everything about him and decided you were compatible. The thing about a fantasy is it kinda forgets why you broke up in the first place. It’s not centred on why it didn’t work but what it could have been.
My opinion? The best way to stop fantasizing is just to go out and find someone else. You were in a relationship, there are some amazing things about that that you miss. But let it go. Your ex has moved on and so should you. Find someone or something new to consciously fill in these empty moments you find yourself in.
Sis omg! I’m so happy your back Ive been following you for a while and been waiting for the sister guide to come back thank you
I have this problem where I love when a man it nonchalant and when he starts caring and being so in love with me I just don’t want it anymore and I get the ick no matter what I do. My previous two relationships I had to teach them to love me and once they started to love me and treat me right I just got the ick. I’m with a guy right now and I honestly think I love him and want to be with him. My only problem is he’s starting to fall head over heels for me now and I’m on the verge of getting the ick. This sounds so horrible but I love the chase and I want a nonchalant man but this guy is different. I want it to work with him. I don’t want to get the ick. How do I stop this from happening? Do I have a messed up mind set? Sis, anything helps at this point.
Love all your stuff btw! I’ve been following you for a while <3
Awwww thank you babe 🙂 i’m happy to be back too
Imma start off being so real with you LOOOOOL
Your normal meter is fucked.
I’d bet money that you probably didn’t grow up seeing healthy relationships. You probably had a string of situationships, long periods of talking where it felt like you were doing the most leg work and getting nothing in return. Which is why you pursue these same unstable relationships now. Because you don’t think you deserve stability. You view love as earned through blood and tears, and not as a free resource to lean on. Which is probably why you convince yourself that nice, approachable, available men are boring. But the reality is, on a core level, you don’t think you deserve that. So like, it’s easier to convince yourself that I don’t like this than it is to ride out that feeling of “how long until I do something to fuck this up.” Or even worse “how long until he sees me for who I really am”
And when it comes to the latter…. If a really nice and emotionally available man comes into your life then they will eventually want real emotional intimacy from you, which means he will get to really know you and I wonder if you’ve ever let anyone really get to you know. Because when we expose ourselves for who we really are, we run the risk of experiencing real rejection and that’s terrifying :/
That’s why you chase after shitty avoidant losers because subconsciously you know the risk is mitigated.
If your goal is love, intimacy, trust and having a family – you gotta have a real honest conversation with yourself and get real about what you think you deserve.
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce almost 7 years ago that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done differently… I got married just as I was turning 27 to someone I knew wasn’t the man for me. Marriage is not a “One day only offer”, you will have several opportunities to meet the love of your life. It’s a journey that needs planning, precautions, prevention and preparation.
Sometimes you will feel like it’s only you left behind and naturally how these things go, all of your friends around you seem to be on a whole different level than you. You’ve somehow skyrocketed to this whole new, unfamiliar chapter of life and things are very different now. You’ll go online and everyday it feels like EVERYone has babies now. EVERYone is or is about to get married (and not at all like past times you’ve ever thought it felt that way. This time it’s for REAL, for real. Now it really is every single one of your friends.)
It can be really hard to not compare yourself to your peers at this chapter of life. It’s important to focus on things that will align you on your own path to your highest self. What’s good for someone else isn’t necessarily good for you anyway, and that can be a hard thing to learn.
Perhaps the problem is because of this: you’re worried about getting “too old” (which nobody ever is), and you’re caving into pressure to play catch-up and settle down quick.
It’s soo important to understand where this pressure is coming from. Part of it may stem from a sense of resentment that things haven’t fallen into place as you’d hoped. In my own post-divorce experience, I’ve still been able to date and connect with others with the intention of finding a life partner. I don’t conform to the stereotype that divorcees aren’t worthy of love because I’m content with where I am in life. When someone gets to know me, they realise I’m already fulfilled, and if they fit into my life, it’s a bonus. If they don’t, it’s no skin off my back.
What I want to emphasise is that if you continue down this path of trying to rush into relationships and ticking off relationship milestones like items on a checklist, you might unintentionally push away potential partners. Authentic connections are built on genuine compatibility and shared values, not on racing against time. Those who willingly overlook your clock-watching tendencies and try to match that pace may not be the best fit for you in the long run.
So let love and relationships develop naturally, at a pace that is right for you.
Salam sis, I hope you’re well. I’m turning 29 and I am not married yet. I’m starting to feel a lot of pressure. I am actively looking and put myself out there but I can’t seem to find the right person for me. I honestly don’t know why I’m struggling because I don’t think what I look for is unrealistic. I am a practising muslim and want to find a man that is practising. I’ve tried to keep an open mind and have put myself out there but there is not a massive pool to pick from and most of the good men are taken. I’m starting to lose hope. Need some advice x
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce almost 7 years ago that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done differently… I got married just as I was turning 27 to someone I knew wasn’t the man for me. Marriage is not a “One day only offer”, you will have several opportunities to meet the love of your life. It’s a journey that needs planning, precautions, prevention and preparation.
Sometimes you will feel like it’s only you left behind and naturally how these things go, all of your friends around you seem to be on a whole different level than you. You’ve somehow skyrocketed to this whole new, unfamiliar chapter of life and things are very different now. You’ll go online and everyday it feels like EVERYone has babies now. EVERYone is or is about to get married (and not at all like past times you’ve ever thought it felt that way. This time it’s for REAL, for real. Now it really is every single one of your friends.)
It can be really hard to not compare yourself to your peers at this chapter of life. It’s important to focus on things that will align you on your own path to your highest self. What’s good for someone else isn’t necessarily good for you anyway, and that can be a hard thing to learn.
Perhaps the problem is because of this: you’re worried about getting “too old” (which nobody ever is), and you’re caving into pressure to play catch-up and settle down quick.
It’s soo important to understand where this pressure is coming from. Part of it may stem from a sense of resentment that things haven’t fallen into place as you’d hoped. In my own post-divorce experience, I’ve still been able to date and connect with others with the intention of finding a life partner. I don’t conform to the stereotype that divorcees aren’t worthy of love because I’m content with where I am in life. When someone gets to know me, they realize I’m already fulfilled, and if they fit into my life, it’s a bonus. If they don’t, it’s no skin off my back.
What I want to emphasize is that if you continue down this path of trying to rush into relationships and ticking off relationship milestones like items on a checklist, you might unintentionally push away potential partners. Authentic connections are built on genuine compatibility and shared values, not on racing against time. Those who willingly overlook your clock-watching tendencies and try to match that pace may not be the best fit for you in the long run.
So let love and relationships develop naturally, at a pace that is right for you.
salaam sis please answer my dilemma! i was with this man for a year. he proposed about 3 months in and we were happy and we both added a lot of value to each other’s lives. he was so sweet, respectful, loving, kind. just genuinely the best human being i’ve ever met. only problem was he was unemployed the whole time. he was trying so hard to look for a job but the job market where he lives is nasty. i decided to end it after a year cause i didnt want to be with a man who cant provide financially, and its not like any family was gonna help us after marriage. i feel so lonely and miss him, and we’re still v in love. what should i do?
Not marrying or dating someone because of poor financial background or unstable career doesn’t make you a bad person. First things first. I’m not saying that you should date or marry someone just because they’re rich or have a very stable career. I do understand that there is more to life than just money.
What I’m actually saying is when you’re considering to date or marry someone, you also are deciding to spend your life and time with them. And marrying someone who has no financial or career stability will cause problem in the relationship when important decisions in life are to be made (eg. Having kids, buying a house). So for that reason I believe you made the best decision for yourself. But with that said, you’re doing the same exact thing you did rushing into marriage 3 months in with someone who couldn’t look after you and that is what you need to address.
You should never marry someone due to your negative reasons (fear). You should marry someone due to neutral to positive reasons (better life, benefits > costs, etc.). Lots of these people break up later or just use the excuse that they felt forced into the marriage to treat it like crap later. It’s just not a good foundation.
And if he loves you as much as he says he does, he will follow through with his actions. His love for you should motivate him into being stable, providing because that’s what love does. Love makes you become the best version of yourself not just for you, but for the person you love. Don’t listen to lip service. Listen to what he does
Hey I was recently interested in this girl and what not , but recently her father told me they were requesting 10k mehr gbp . Technically it won’t be a such a big burden since alhamdulilah I have some assets and also come from a wealthy family however I’m 22 and all my friends who married great wife’s only paid maximum 4k so and I feel some type of way . Also, people are saying that I’m doing too much even though I can technically afford it. On top of that I feel like it mostly her family who’s pushing this more than her which makes it worse , like there exploiting me as a young man also keep in mind I haven’t reached my financial peak
Why do you feel a type of way?
Did you not just say you can afford the 10K? Then what is the problem? Why are you wondering what another woman got for her mehr, is she your wife?
ALSO don’t forget her dad is her mahram, he speaks on her behalf! So this is what she has requested.
Maybe you aren’t ready to get married, I’ll be real. Because if you didn’t have it, then I would be more inclined to agree with you, but you just said it wasn’t a problem until you heard something from someone else.
That is the real problem.
You are too easily influenced to be somebody’s Husband. I guarantee you’d feel the same way too if you were getting married to a woman who listens to her friends all day. I would actually agree with you that women like that are problematic.
You probably put a high value on other people’s opinions. You’ve failed already. Your most important role as a Husband is to shield his wife from others. Not only is she a reflection of you, but if they can talk about her and you’re actually agreeing with them…
What does that say about you?
Work on self-image and confidence. Read books and everything else you can get hands on, so you’d understand better how dumb average person is and how worthless their opinion usually tends to be. You won’t survive a year of marriage if you are too busy placing value on the opinions of other people. Trust me they will have many. Especially for you considering how young you are. They will assume you don’t know what you’re doing and that you don’t have a mind of your own, and if we’re being completely honest, you’re kinda proving them right.
Ignore group thinking and acknowledge that 90% of what you hear is bullshit.
Then worry about getting married.
Hey girl,
I’m in a sticky situation. Alhamdulilah me and my man want to get married and I’m just overwhelmed with the whole wedding thing. I’m stuck between wanting to have a wedding or just to keep it simple and have a nikkah. My man doesn’t really care he is happy with whatever I want but my family especially my mum is adamant that I have a wedding not just any wedding but a big wedding. I feel like if I don’t have a wedding I will regret it later on I want to experience that whole thing but at the same time if I have a nikkah only there’s more barakah in it. I just don’t know what to do.
Stop doing what other people want, otherwise you’ll end up doing that your whole life. What do you want? Have a proper conversation with yourself and find whatever the answer is. And go with it. Your mum is not the one who is getting married. She will get over it. My mum wanted me to have a big wedding, but she got over it. In fact, afterwards she was talking about how easy the process was and that she was glad.
Do what you want
Salam sis I hope you’re doing okay.
Basically I got married recently to the love of my life (alhamdulilah). And there’s absolutely nothing wrong in the marriage.
However seeing my dad financially abuse my mum throughout her life has given me next level anxiety which I never knew I would have before entering the marriage.
My husband has never given any flags that he would ever treat me the way I was used to seeing growing up and I feel bad to have this kind of anxiety that I’m gonna end up financially abused like my mum was.
I feel really bad wallah and i don’t know how to stop having bad thoughts.
Advice appreciated xx
Congratulations and May Allah swt bless your marriage
Don’t feel bad sis! Wallahi this is a good thing. It means that you are wise and you don’t want to end up like your Mother did. That’s called survival instinct. After all, the traits of human nature evolved because this feeling helped us to make good decisions, not bad ones. So don’t feel bad. You are protecting yourself.
You’re scared of being financially abused right? Is this your husband’s problem? No, it’s yours. You need to make yourself feel comfortable first and foremost. You do this by getting a job, being accountable with your savings, climbing the career ladder before you have children.
You feel this way because you feel like you haven’t prioritised your security before you got married, so prioritise it now. Otherwise you’ll just continue to have these thoughts.
Hey sis. Hope you are well. My partner and I are in our early 20’s we been in a longterm relationship and recently we have been talking about marriage. However, he has told me he wants to take a break whilst he establishes his career before committing to each other. Is a break needed for this I’m confused? I’m finding this difficult I’m not gonna lie we used to speak every single day to now literally no communication. How long am I suppose to wait for him? Am I wasting my time? I do really love him and see a future with him just don’t know what to do.
Take him at face value. He can’t be in a relationship. He isn’t into you and is trying to let you down easy, while still keeping you on the back burner in case he can’t find anyone else.
Chances are, he will just find somebody that he actually wants. Most men are too cowardly to tell you exactly how it is, so they just bamboozle you instead.
You are young and life is short. Go find someone else.