Hey sis! So I’ve been having this issue where every man who follows me on instagram just constantly watch my stories without liking them or sliding up and it happens all the time! I’m not sure why they don’t shoot their shot with me or why they even followed me in the first place, especially since I don’t know these men from anywhere? I get a lot of comments from my friends saying that I’m beautiful but I look rude or unapproachable on my instagram but I’m very confused as to why since almost every photo of me I’m usually genuinely smiling in. I’m not sure why men aren’t making efforts to talk to me. I just feel very stuck since all of my friends have people they’re talking to and I’ve never been in a talking stage and I’m currently 21 years old. I know I’m young but I wish I had at least one man wanting to get to know me. My friends always assume that my dms are full of men and that I have plenty on my roster and they’re always so shocked to find that my dms are very dry and no man has made an effort to try to get to know me. I go out with my friends and I do get approached in person but never by men who followed me first on instagram. So any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!! Also , side note I don’t let this issue consume my life but it just slightly bothers me from time to time.
I think this just has more to do with the fact you’re market is probably other 21 year old young men, who don’t have enough age and experience to feel confident enough to just message women they find attractive on a whim. Another factor could be if you are someone that’s attractive, men always assume someone is already taking to you and or trying to figure out if you’re single. It’ll be much more easier for someone I guess to make a move when you’ve already shown signs that you’d be receptive. So maybe like their posts/stories and see where it goes. Don’t just sit there waiting
Anon
1 year ago
Hey,
I’ve been dating this brother for about 6/7 months.
At the courting stage he was really good!
Planning dates, bringing flowers, gifts etc.
I told him before about my standards and my likes etc.
side note were long distance so we see each other once a month.
So the first 3/4 dates he never came empty handed.
However, now I feel like he just Dosent want to impress or court me.
He also things were in a relationship when I’ve repeatedly told him we’re not.
Plot twist moment recently was he’s told both his parents about me and aunties etc
Now they wanna see. ( he needs to act like he’s been here before tbh)
We’ve spoken briefly about marriage etc
But why does it feel like I’m given everything soo Easily to him…
In terms of he Dosent add anything to my life rn He runs with the bread crumbs from any situation.
He’s already showed me he was playing a facade at the beginning.
Am I wrong for wanting to end things..??
Ps how do I go about breaking this off. He’s a really persistent person and will even cry when I tried taking a break before…
For everything in life that you want effort is needed. Let be love or anything. For starters, it doesn’t even sound like he genuinely likes you. Because he’s not even acknowledging or listening to your wants and needs.
Why is he rushing to get married when you’re both not even on the same page? Maybe because he wants to lock you down before you learn the ugly truth about him? Or he’s just more concerned with getting married as opposed to actually being a partner that’s good to their spouse.
I honestly wouldn’t even waste my time. Fuck his feelings. If this is how it is in the beginning, God knows how worse it will get if you get married to him.
Anon
1 year ago
OMG welcome back!!! I loved your message and so glad that this safe space is open for us, may Allah continue to bless y’all abundantly fr. You don’t know the impact you have <33333
So, I’m 27, I was in a relationship for 3 years (from 23 – 26) and we broke things off at the end of last year.
After a depressing couple of months and some healing, I decided I’m going to put myself out there. I’ve been on some dates, had some talking stages, and still nothing seems to spark my interest.
In a way I’m thankful because I know what I want, but at the same time I feel like maybe I’ll never find that person that is for me? I’m usually an optimistic person but I’m finding this whole process really draining.
I want to start shooting my own shots, and take things into my own hands, but I’ve kind of been confused on how to go about things. Usually men approach me, online, in person, and tbh if they’re alright, I’ll go with it. Now I’m thinking if I like the look of someone online/in person, let me be the one to say something. I like the idea but I feel like execution is key here.
Idk, do you agree? How would you go about shooting your shot? Or is that setting the wrong tone 🙁 I’m so conflicted! I would really love some advice.
Awww thank you so much! And I’m so happy to be back to this. I missed it
Confidence is attractive. Trust me no one is gonna want to date someone that’s makes it painful obvious they are insecure or hung up still on old relationships. Be authentic. I feel like where girls fuck up is they try so hard to be what they think a man would want they end up being no different from the next girl. Have something about you that makes people drawn to you! When you want to get to know someone, look for common interests or topics you can start a conversation about. If you’re using online platforms, make sure your profile reflects your interests and personality well. I feel like those things can help attract like-minded individuals.
Finding the right person takes time. Don’t get discouraged by initial setbacks or rejections. Keep a positive outlook and keep trying especially if that’s what you want
Finally It’s real important to not only focus on what you’re looking for in someone else but also reflect on whether you possess the qualities and values that you want in a partner. I say this because building a strong and healthy relationship often starts with self-awareness and personal growth. Something that is women don’t do very often. We like to think we’re perfect (me mr me)
Be the kind of person you’d like to attract is what I’m saying.
Anon
1 year ago
Girl I need some advice. I didn’t tell my friend I started a phd recently because I had a lot of things to figure out in my life (ex financially). However, my friend got extremely offended that I did not tell her. Idk I feel like she’s being so entitled for reason and overlooking my life condition/boundaries. It’s okay to keep things to yourself if your are unsure. After that, she applied to her masters and told others it was to get back at me. Unfortunately, she did not get accepted to the program. More recently she has been filled with vengeance against me (telling others to not talk to me because I’m sneaky). She is also extremely nosy about all her friends business too and gets upset when she doesn’t know about something. I think it’s so important to respect your friends decisions and boundaries especially sharing news about themselves because no one should feel entitled. Even if my friend shares something with her other friends and doesn’t tell me I don’t get offended because I believe in friends for different reasons – you can’t confide in everyone. What are your thoughts? Do feel she that was competing with me?
A typical friendship that girls tend to have seem to want/need almost complete disclosure from the other. To me those friendships are unhealthy. But this, this is something else!
If you’re asking me whether I think she was jealous of you, I would say that she is. And it would explain why she wanted to know every minute detail of your life. It’s obvious she was in constant competition with you, her reaction says it all. By focusing all her attention on your life, she gets to avoid her shit hers really is. That’s what haters do
in this situation, there is not much you can do, except to be graceful. She is obviously threatened by your competence.
Anon
1 year ago
Hey guys,
I’ve got a lil dilemma. I’ve been talking to this guy for nearly a year….
I’ve come to the hard conclusion I don’t really have deep feelings for him like he does.
The time I met him I was really just trying to get under another man’s arm. I was in a 3 year relationship before him and had nearly a 2 year break post breakup.
So I kinda forced it with him.
My ex lacked a few things so I was very hyper fixated on finding someone who didn’t lack them things.
Typical rebound moment.
Now that I’ve gotten the love and attention I was craving….
I can’t help but be disgusted @ myself.
He’s nowhere near my usual type but I held on to his good traits.
Cut a long story short he’s now whipped and wants me to meet his siblings.
I feel soo bad I played the game too long with him….
How do I end things without breaking his heart too much.
I know I sound like I’m evil but honestly guys I was just tryna fill in gaps to distract myself🥲
Don’t let the relationship drag on far too long out of pity and guilt. Be honest and say something like, “I know this isn’t something you want to hear, but right now I’m not ready for a relationship and this is not something I wanted to be in anymore.” – and if he asks why, again be honest.
When you break up with him, keep it public, do it at the end of the weekend. If it were me, I’d prefer a straight and honest delivery, ideally with a reason attached that does t sound like bullsh*t.
There is no good way of doing it, but muster as much directness and honesty as you can. He’ll appreciate it. In the long run.
Anon
1 year ago
What are your thoughts on not being in a relationship before marriage and keeping a rotation/your options open? A lot of women speak about how you shouldn’t let someone lock you down and I’m kinda feeling impatient. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and we agreed on marriage in the beginning but he has been grinding so it’s been delayed. I never saw myself being in a relationship with someone for 3+ years before getting married to them. I love him and he’s the man I want but I feel maybe he’s gotten complacent since we’ve been exclusive for 3 years. Should I just let him know that as much as I love him I’m looking for marriage and so I’m going to start dating again? And keep him as part of my rotation?
I think its too late for you to keep your options open when you’ve kinda been in a serious exclusive relationship for 3 years. Not sure why you think he’ll understand if you say that to him. I’m pretty sure he would 100% break up with you.
I also think young people need to start getting real about the times we’re living in. And this does sound like a lot of kibir (cheek) to me especially. Depending on how young he is, some people might need even a few MORE years to financially prepare for marriage. It’s easy to rush and demand to get married when it’s not you that’s financially liable for it.
The question is, are you willing to be patient? If not, cut your losses. Set him and yourself free. But you will probably end up meeting someone else, who too has to wait to save up for marriage.
Anon
1 year ago
I’m currently seeing this guy who is 4yrs older and it’s LDR he’s graduated and financially stable. He is at a stage in his life where he is ready to settle down but I’m still in uni and he’s said he’s willing to wait for me while I finish up this next year but I can’t help but think what if I meet someone better I don’t want to fully close myself off he’s genuinely the sweetest person ever and he is not just talk he matches with actions. He is very in love with me and gives me everything I need in reassurance words of encouragement etc. but sometimes I would like flowers or something where he just does taking initiative without me having to tell him.He always communicates and talks things through because he doesn’t want anything to come between us which I love about him. and he’s even booked his flight and is coming to see me in my country soon. He is literally the perfect person for me and has never given me a reason to not trust him but for some reason I can’t fully commit. To him we’re in a committed relationship but when I post on social media and get attention from other men I still entertain it and respond why do I still like the attention from other men when I know I want something real with him and to build a future. He doesn’t play petty games and ignore me when I pick fights just to find an excuse to sabotage things. It’s like I’m always chasing this toxic relationship when a healthy one is right in front of me. Do I even love him am I leading him on? When I mention him to my friends and show them a picture they comment on his facial features (one of which it’s something he can’t change) tbh he’s not the best looking but He’s still cute. Idk if I’m easily influenced but I can’t help but notice that one thing more now but not all the time when we’re talking on ft is this something I can ever get over or is that not fair to him? Any advice.
I think a lot of people, especially in this generation think and believe they have more options than they actually have. Before you were in this LDR, did any of those guys messaging/complimenting you actually court you? Probably not. This is the issue, you think just because you get compliments that these are options. Well they aren’t
Too much choice is actually causing you to not grow and develop in adult relationships? Why? Because too much choice overwhelms us and makes us unhappy. By always looking for something better, you might miss the opportunity right in front of your eyes. When you play into it too much, you start believing the grass is always greener on the other side.
If you’re always holding out for something better, chances are you’ll end up with nothing. That, or you’ll realise you left all your good options in the past, and you’ll end up with someone who’s wrong for you. I know sooo many people who have missed out on amazing partners, only to then realise when they see them get married to other people before them. It’s even worse when in compared to them, they are stuck in the same endless cycle of non-committal relationships.
So if you think you’ve met someone and it could be something good (which I think it is), try and give it a fair chance. Otherwise you might be holding out for a fairytale that will never happen
Anon
1 year ago
Hey sis!!!! I’m glad your back, I’d love your help with a dilemma I have.
I’ve grown up seeing toxicity in all romantic relationships. When I was under the age of ten I witnessed my aunty being physically abused and seeking refuge in my home. I witnessed my mum being emotionally and financially abused throughout my teens and it’s been the same story with all of her friends. There was not one healthy marriage I saw growing up. All I saw were husbands disappointing their wives and children so when I reached the age of 18 I vowed to never get married. Even though I’ve always loved love and wanted to experience the love that’s talked about in fairytale. I got to a point when I thought, if every single women I know has been neglected abused etc, why the hell would I be the exception. I convinced myself that I’d face the same fate if I got married.
Now that I’m older I’m exposed to more relationships whether it’s friends, people on the internet or even reading the Seerah of the prophet (saw) and seeing how beautifully he and the sahabas treated their wives, I changed my mind and now want to seek companionship, love and intimacy. Now that I’m 26 I’m not casually dating just to date but I’m dating to marry. The problem is I’m petrified. I think because I never took dating serious before it was a breeze. Now I can’t help but over analyse everything. For example, this guy I was dating got a call from his sister to send her some money to go out, I heard him sigh and say okay I’ll send it now. The sigh alone caused my brain to go into fight or flight mode. I started to think okay he doesn’t like to help his family which means if I get married he’ll do the same with me and boom I end up like my mum and habaryaros. I know it’s a toxic way of thinking ad it’s making me question everything. My question is how do I fix this. I would love to experience a true healthy loving marriage but I just don’t know how to get passed the anxiety of wondering if someone is gonna mess my life up in the future.
Thank youuuuuuuuuu
Because you’ve gone through a lot and witnessed toxic relationships in your family whilst growing up, it’s entirely understandable that those experiences are going to cause you to be apprehensive about marriage and relationships.
But there’s being apprehensive and there’s self-sabotaging, you are doing the latter. Whilst we might express it in different ways – some more obvious than others – most people can agree we all crave love and intimacy above anything else, despite whatever we’ve seen growing up. But with that said…. past experiences can sometimes set us off on the wrong footing.
Generally relationships in adult life are mostly tied closely to our relationships from the past. In other words, you go with what you know. Because whatever you’ve seen, sets the tone for your understanding of what intimacy looks and feels like. Except this is the problem when you haven’t seen what real love looks like.
Of course everyone would want childhood experience to stay in the past but unfortunately, most of us will end up playing out familiar feelings and relationships patterns long after we move into adulthood. It is what it is.
My advice is change the perspective you have of your childhood. Instead of making you think all marriage will be the same as the ones you’ve seen before, just be more aware of red flags, knowing when you both lack compatibility or unhealthy communication. Know when to walk away.
It’s actually not that hard to avoid replicating your parents’ marriage if the person you marry isn’t very much like either of your parents. You can see some of the toxicity in yourself but depending on who you marry, it might not go anywhere. Taking time to figure out what you want from life is key, and it will help establish a baseline of what you want from a partner. Then you’ll know hey he really fits in my life, and if he doesn’t.
Anon
1 year ago
Sis whenever i date men i go all out get them the best trainers and gifts for their birthdays. I randomly surprise them with food pay for dinner dates and yet I have never gotten anything in return. Is it my fault this is happening? My friend’s tell me I’m too in my masculine bag and men don’t respect that but its because im so indepedent
I have no problem with women spending money on their man (likewise, a man should feel free to spoil his woman). But I think some women need to re-examine their motives and keep it a buck 50!
A lot of women who aren’t used to being treated well and are under the assumption that if you let a man pay your bills, then you owe him something – and if you don’t know what that “something” is. Another thing is by showing that you’re able to pay, you’re automatically a ride or die. So now being able to financially support their man puts them in a position of power. They’re proving to their men – and most importantly, trying to convince themselves – that they’re strong, independent and self-sufficient.
Except you’re not.
Just like men who throw their money around like bread crumbs to attract pigeons in the park, those women who are using money to draw men are suffering from insecurities as well. Those insecurities are the complete opposite of the self-sufficient, modern women that they portray. And of course, those men aren’t going to turn down a free ride. In their attempt to be empowered, those women are allowing someone to leech of them – eventually sapping their souls, and bank accounts, dry.
If you’re a hard-working, financially stable woman, find a man who is your equal – someone who doesn’t mind spending time (and, yes, occasionally money) to show how much he cares. Treat each other to the finer things. And if he’s not bringing in the money social media donnies make, it’s cool as long as he shows affection in more meaningful ways. Money does not make a relationship, your love should be made of sterner stuff.
But what I’m saying is if you’re shelling out just to keep some guy around, he’s not your equal, he’s just another bill. You want a committed man trust me, not a dependent.
Anon
1 year ago
I wanted to make the suggestion that you both have an about you profile on the site with things that you’re comfortable sharing! Like a little profile with age, best life lesson, favourite advice, favourite fashion inspiration etc. it would make it feel more personable. I love what you’re doing, it’s great
Hey sis! So I’ve been having this issue where every man who follows me on instagram just constantly watch my stories without liking them or sliding up and it happens all the time! I’m not sure why they don’t shoot their shot with me or why they even followed me in the first place, especially since I don’t know these men from anywhere? I get a lot of comments from my friends saying that I’m beautiful but I look rude or unapproachable on my instagram but I’m very confused as to why since almost every photo of me I’m usually genuinely smiling in. I’m not sure why men aren’t making efforts to talk to me. I just feel very stuck since all of my friends have people they’re talking to and I’ve never been in a talking stage and I’m currently 21 years old. I know I’m young but I wish I had at least one man wanting to get to know me. My friends always assume that my dms are full of men and that I have plenty on my roster and they’re always so shocked to find that my dms are very dry and no man has made an effort to try to get to know me. I go out with my friends and I do get approached in person but never by men who followed me first on instagram. So any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!! Also , side note I don’t let this issue consume my life but it just slightly bothers me from time to time.
I think this just has more to do with the fact you’re market is probably other 21 year old young men, who don’t have enough age and experience to feel confident enough to just message women they find attractive on a whim. Another factor could be if you are someone that’s attractive, men always assume someone is already taking to you and or trying to figure out if you’re single. It’ll be much more easier for someone I guess to make a move when you’ve already shown signs that you’d be receptive. So maybe like their posts/stories and see where it goes. Don’t just sit there waiting
Hey,
I’ve been dating this brother for about 6/7 months.
At the courting stage he was really good!
Planning dates, bringing flowers, gifts etc.
I told him before about my standards and my likes etc.
side note were long distance so we see each other once a month.
So the first 3/4 dates he never came empty handed.
However, now I feel like he just Dosent want to impress or court me.
He also things were in a relationship when I’ve repeatedly told him we’re not.
Plot twist moment recently was he’s told both his parents about me and aunties etc
Now they wanna see. ( he needs to act like he’s been here before tbh)
We’ve spoken briefly about marriage etc
But why does it feel like I’m given everything soo Easily to him…
In terms of he Dosent add anything to my life rn He runs with the bread crumbs from any situation.
He’s already showed me he was playing a facade at the beginning.
Am I wrong for wanting to end things..??
Ps how do I go about breaking this off. He’s a really persistent person and will even cry when I tried taking a break before…
For everything in life that you want effort is needed. Let be love or anything. For starters, it doesn’t even sound like he genuinely likes you. Because he’s not even acknowledging or listening to your wants and needs.
Why is he rushing to get married when you’re both not even on the same page? Maybe because he wants to lock you down before you learn the ugly truth about him? Or he’s just more concerned with getting married as opposed to actually being a partner that’s good to their spouse.
I honestly wouldn’t even waste my time. Fuck his feelings. If this is how it is in the beginning, God knows how worse it will get if you get married to him.
OMG welcome back!!! I loved your message and so glad that this safe space is open for us, may Allah continue to bless y’all abundantly fr. You don’t know the impact you have <33333
So, I’m 27, I was in a relationship for 3 years (from 23 – 26) and we broke things off at the end of last year.
After a depressing couple of months and some healing, I decided I’m going to put myself out there. I’ve been on some dates, had some talking stages, and still nothing seems to spark my interest.
In a way I’m thankful because I know what I want, but at the same time I feel like maybe I’ll never find that person that is for me? I’m usually an optimistic person but I’m finding this whole process really draining.
I want to start shooting my own shots, and take things into my own hands, but I’ve kind of been confused on how to go about things. Usually men approach me, online, in person, and tbh if they’re alright, I’ll go with it. Now I’m thinking if I like the look of someone online/in person, let me be the one to say something. I like the idea but I feel like execution is key here.
Idk, do you agree? How would you go about shooting your shot? Or is that setting the wrong tone 🙁 I’m so conflicted! I would really love some advice.
SO sorry for the long message!
Awww thank you so much! And I’m so happy to be back to this. I missed it
Confidence is attractive. Trust me no one is gonna want to date someone that’s makes it painful obvious they are insecure or hung up still on old relationships. Be authentic. I feel like where girls fuck up is they try so hard to be what they think a man would want they end up being no different from the next girl. Have something about you that makes people drawn to you! When you want to get to know someone, look for common interests or topics you can start a conversation about. If you’re using online platforms, make sure your profile reflects your interests and personality well. I feel like those things can help attract like-minded individuals.
Finding the right person takes time. Don’t get discouraged by initial setbacks or rejections. Keep a positive outlook and keep trying especially if that’s what you want
Finally It’s real important to not only focus on what you’re looking for in someone else but also reflect on whether you possess the qualities and values that you want in a partner. I say this because building a strong and healthy relationship often starts with self-awareness and personal growth. Something that is women don’t do very often. We like to think we’re perfect (me mr me)
Be the kind of person you’d like to attract is what I’m saying.
Girl I need some advice. I didn’t tell my friend I started a phd recently because I had a lot of things to figure out in my life (ex financially). However, my friend got extremely offended that I did not tell her. Idk I feel like she’s being so entitled for reason and overlooking my life condition/boundaries. It’s okay to keep things to yourself if your are unsure. After that, she applied to her masters and told others it was to get back at me. Unfortunately, she did not get accepted to the program. More recently she has been filled with vengeance against me (telling others to not talk to me because I’m sneaky). She is also extremely nosy about all her friends business too and gets upset when she doesn’t know about something. I think it’s so important to respect your friends decisions and boundaries especially sharing news about themselves because no one should feel entitled. Even if my friend shares something with her other friends and doesn’t tell me I don’t get offended because I believe in friends for different reasons – you can’t confide in everyone. What are your thoughts? Do feel she that was competing with me?
A typical friendship that girls tend to have seem to want/need almost complete disclosure from the other. To me those friendships are unhealthy. But this, this is something else!
If you’re asking me whether I think she was jealous of you, I would say that she is. And it would explain why she wanted to know every minute detail of your life. It’s obvious she was in constant competition with you, her reaction says it all. By focusing all her attention on your life, she gets to avoid her shit hers really is. That’s what haters do
in this situation, there is not much you can do, except to be graceful. She is obviously threatened by your competence.
Hey guys,
I’ve got a lil dilemma. I’ve been talking to this guy for nearly a year….
I’ve come to the hard conclusion I don’t really have deep feelings for him like he does.
The time I met him I was really just trying to get under another man’s arm. I was in a 3 year relationship before him and had nearly a 2 year break post breakup.
So I kinda forced it with him.
My ex lacked a few things so I was very hyper fixated on finding someone who didn’t lack them things.
Typical rebound moment.
Now that I’ve gotten the love and attention I was craving….
I can’t help but be disgusted @ myself.
He’s nowhere near my usual type but I held on to his good traits.
Cut a long story short he’s now whipped and wants me to meet his siblings.
I feel soo bad I played the game too long with him….
How do I end things without breaking his heart too much.
I know I sound like I’m evil but honestly guys I was just tryna fill in gaps to distract myself🥲
Don’t let the relationship drag on far too long out of pity and guilt. Be honest and say something like, “I know this isn’t something you want to hear, but right now I’m not ready for a relationship and this is not something I wanted to be in anymore.” – and if he asks why, again be honest.
When you break up with him, keep it public, do it at the end of the weekend. If it were me, I’d prefer a straight and honest delivery, ideally with a reason attached that does t sound like bullsh*t.
There is no good way of doing it, but muster as much directness and honesty as you can. He’ll appreciate it. In the long run.
What are your thoughts on not being in a relationship before marriage and keeping a rotation/your options open? A lot of women speak about how you shouldn’t let someone lock you down and I’m kinda feeling impatient. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and we agreed on marriage in the beginning but he has been grinding so it’s been delayed. I never saw myself being in a relationship with someone for 3+ years before getting married to them. I love him and he’s the man I want but I feel maybe he’s gotten complacent since we’ve been exclusive for 3 years. Should I just let him know that as much as I love him I’m looking for marriage and so I’m going to start dating again? And keep him as part of my rotation?
I think its too late for you to keep your options open when you’ve kinda been in a serious exclusive relationship for 3 years. Not sure why you think he’ll understand if you say that to him. I’m pretty sure he would 100% break up with you.
I also think young people need to start getting real about the times we’re living in. And this does sound like a lot of kibir (cheek) to me especially. Depending on how young he is, some people might need even a few MORE years to financially prepare for marriage. It’s easy to rush and demand to get married when it’s not you that’s financially liable for it.
The question is, are you willing to be patient? If not, cut your losses. Set him and yourself free. But you will probably end up meeting someone else, who too has to wait to save up for marriage.
I’m currently seeing this guy who is 4yrs older and it’s LDR he’s graduated and financially stable. He is at a stage in his life where he is ready to settle down but I’m still in uni and he’s said he’s willing to wait for me while I finish up this next year but I can’t help but think what if I meet someone better I don’t want to fully close myself off he’s genuinely the sweetest person ever and he is not just talk he matches with actions. He is very in love with me and gives me everything I need in reassurance words of encouragement etc. but sometimes I would like flowers or something where he just does taking initiative without me having to tell him.He always communicates and talks things through because he doesn’t want anything to come between us which I love about him. and he’s even booked his flight and is coming to see me in my country soon. He is literally the perfect person for me and has never given me a reason to not trust him but for some reason I can’t fully commit. To him we’re in a committed relationship but when I post on social media and get attention from other men I still entertain it and respond why do I still like the attention from other men when I know I want something real with him and to build a future. He doesn’t play petty games and ignore me when I pick fights just to find an excuse to sabotage things. It’s like I’m always chasing this toxic relationship when a healthy one is right in front of me. Do I even love him am I leading him on? When I mention him to my friends and show them a picture they comment on his facial features (one of which it’s something he can’t change) tbh he’s not the best looking but He’s still cute. Idk if I’m easily influenced but I can’t help but notice that one thing more now but not all the time when we’re talking on ft is this something I can ever get over or is that not fair to him? Any advice.
I think a lot of people, especially in this generation think and believe they have more options than they actually have. Before you were in this LDR, did any of those guys messaging/complimenting you actually court you? Probably not. This is the issue, you think just because you get compliments that these are options. Well they aren’t
Too much choice is actually causing you to not grow and develop in adult relationships? Why? Because too much choice overwhelms us and makes us unhappy. By always looking for something better, you might miss the opportunity right in front of your eyes. When you play into it too much, you start believing the grass is always greener on the other side.
If you’re always holding out for something better, chances are you’ll end up with nothing. That, or you’ll realise you left all your good options in the past, and you’ll end up with someone who’s wrong for you. I know sooo many people who have missed out on amazing partners, only to then realise when they see them get married to other people before them. It’s even worse when in compared to them, they are stuck in the same endless cycle of non-committal relationships.
So if you think you’ve met someone and it could be something good (which I think it is), try and give it a fair chance. Otherwise you might be holding out for a fairytale that will never happen
Hey sis!!!! I’m glad your back, I’d love your help with a dilemma I have.
I’ve grown up seeing toxicity in all romantic relationships. When I was under the age of ten I witnessed my aunty being physically abused and seeking refuge in my home. I witnessed my mum being emotionally and financially abused throughout my teens and it’s been the same story with all of her friends. There was not one healthy marriage I saw growing up. All I saw were husbands disappointing their wives and children so when I reached the age of 18 I vowed to never get married. Even though I’ve always loved love and wanted to experience the love that’s talked about in fairytale. I got to a point when I thought, if every single women I know has been neglected abused etc, why the hell would I be the exception. I convinced myself that I’d face the same fate if I got married.
Now that I’m older I’m exposed to more relationships whether it’s friends, people on the internet or even reading the Seerah of the prophet (saw) and seeing how beautifully he and the sahabas treated their wives, I changed my mind and now want to seek companionship, love and intimacy. Now that I’m 26 I’m not casually dating just to date but I’m dating to marry. The problem is I’m petrified. I think because I never took dating serious before it was a breeze. Now I can’t help but over analyse everything. For example, this guy I was dating got a call from his sister to send her some money to go out, I heard him sigh and say okay I’ll send it now. The sigh alone caused my brain to go into fight or flight mode. I started to think okay he doesn’t like to help his family which means if I get married he’ll do the same with me and boom I end up like my mum and habaryaros. I know it’s a toxic way of thinking ad it’s making me question everything. My question is how do I fix this. I would love to experience a true healthy loving marriage but I just don’t know how to get passed the anxiety of wondering if someone is gonna mess my life up in the future.
Thank youuuuuuuuuu
Because you’ve gone through a lot and witnessed toxic relationships in your family whilst growing up, it’s entirely understandable that those experiences are going to cause you to be apprehensive about marriage and relationships.
But there’s being apprehensive and there’s self-sabotaging, you are doing the latter. Whilst we might express it in different ways – some more obvious than others – most people can agree we all crave love and intimacy above anything else, despite whatever we’ve seen growing up. But with that said…. past experiences can sometimes set us off on the wrong footing.
Generally relationships in adult life are mostly tied closely to our relationships from the past. In other words, you go with what you know. Because whatever you’ve seen, sets the tone for your understanding of what intimacy looks and feels like. Except this is the problem when you haven’t seen what real love looks like.
Of course everyone would want childhood experience to stay in the past but unfortunately, most of us will end up playing out familiar feelings and relationships patterns long after we move into adulthood. It is what it is.
My advice is change the perspective you have of your childhood. Instead of making you think all marriage will be the same as the ones you’ve seen before, just be more aware of red flags, knowing when you both lack compatibility or unhealthy communication. Know when to walk away.
It’s actually not that hard to avoid replicating your parents’ marriage if the person you marry isn’t very much like either of your parents. You can see some of the toxicity in yourself but depending on who you marry, it might not go anywhere. Taking time to figure out what you want from life is key, and it will help establish a baseline of what you want from a partner. Then you’ll know hey he really fits in my life, and if he doesn’t.
Sis whenever i date men i go all out get them the best trainers and gifts for their birthdays. I randomly surprise them with food pay for dinner dates and yet I have never gotten anything in return. Is it my fault this is happening? My friend’s tell me I’m too in my masculine bag and men don’t respect that but its because im so indepedent
I have no problem with women spending money on their man (likewise, a man should feel free to spoil his woman). But I think some women need to re-examine their motives and keep it a buck 50!
A lot of women who aren’t used to being treated well and are under the assumption that if you let a man pay your bills, then you owe him something – and if you don’t know what that “something” is. Another thing is by showing that you’re able to pay, you’re automatically a ride or die. So now being able to financially support their man puts them in a position of power. They’re proving to their men – and most importantly, trying to convince themselves – that they’re strong, independent and self-sufficient.
Except you’re not.
Just like men who throw their money around like bread crumbs to attract pigeons in the park, those women who are using money to draw men are suffering from insecurities as well. Those insecurities are the complete opposite of the self-sufficient, modern women that they portray. And of course, those men aren’t going to turn down a free ride. In their attempt to be empowered, those women are allowing someone to leech of them – eventually sapping their souls, and bank accounts, dry.
If you’re a hard-working, financially stable woman, find a man who is your equal – someone who doesn’t mind spending time (and, yes, occasionally money) to show how much he cares. Treat each other to the finer things. And if he’s not bringing in the money social media donnies make, it’s cool as long as he shows affection in more meaningful ways. Money does not make a relationship, your love should be made of sterner stuff.
But what I’m saying is if you’re shelling out just to keep some guy around, he’s not your equal, he’s just another bill. You want a committed man trust me, not a dependent.
I wanted to make the suggestion that you both have an about you profile on the site with things that you’re comfortable sharing! Like a little profile with age, best life lesson, favourite advice, favourite fashion inspiration etc. it would make it feel more personable. I love what you’re doing, it’s great
I love this idea!!! I’m deffo going to implement this
Thank you so much!