Hi,
I remember you mention something about sibling rivalry on cc.
How can distance/cut off myself from older sister whos deeply jealous of me- from age, looks, education, job and men.
Constant remarks of that been done and in terms of my milestones. Hurtful comments and making things up inside her head that I haven’t said and then accusing me. Also, sabotaging things anything work related. Or giving wrong advice but asking me proper advice ??
Forgot to add comments about love life too, never dated because I have been work driven after completing uni but constant remarks about me not being relationship ( I’m mid 20’s loving life and luxury goods )
I hoping to relocate within one year time after completing my contract. But how can I distance/cut some like this off. (going to get therapy once I’m aboard)
Yeah I genuinely had to stop talking to my sisters for this exact reason. The girls who go through this know: a jealous sibling will go through any means possible to ruin and interfere with any of your achievements. And for that reason, they cannot be near you or the things you love. I mean theres this thing in culture where it is ceeb to not be on good terms with your siblings but they don’t account for the level of turmoil and destruction some people bring to your life.
My best advice is to cut things off once you have moved out and relocated. That way they can no longer get to you, or act out once you have made it clear you no longer want to speak with them.
I literally had to move out months before my nikkah for this exact reason, I realised certain energies and dark spirits were really trying to ruin my happy day, and alhamdulilah my husband had the means to get our home earlier so I could have a safe haven whilst planning for my wedding. Listen I feel you so hard on this one sis. And when you move on, its going to burn you. You’re gonna have to unpack all your feelings and then have to deal with it by yourself. You’re gonna look at people who have the most amazing siblings and think, fucking hell, why can’t mine just be nice to me? Honestly it used to bambozzle me when I saw sisters go out with each other ever day, they share the same friends, they are best friends even. Or when someone says, my sister looked after my baby whilst I took care of myself post partum. Im like huh, sisters do that?
You just have to accept sometimes your test might be family. Constantly having sabr for people who are a hinderance. But guess what, you’re going to leave and you won’t have to deal with this again. And when you start your own family, you are gonna make sure you have the best one and its going to be everything you’ve ever wanted inshallah.
Anon
3 years ago
not a question, but absolutely LOVE your page, MaShaAllah. May Allah SWT continue to bless you and yours Lula x
Wallahi I love seeing messages like this, please don’t ever feel like you don’t have to send encouragements for anyone wondering (please do!). It really pushes me and Ladan to continue trying to do what we’re doing. It also helps us to block outside noise.
Thank so much and ameen!!! Honestly, I really appreciate this haha I’m on my time of the month and i’m feeling so emosh so all your nice messages are making my day
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis !
I feel like I can’t expect help for anyone with friends and family. It’s really hard for me to accept because mentally think that I will owe them something. Or the help isn’t genuinely or feel like being burden. When I do allow myself, I feel extremely guilty and on edge too. Or get thrown in my face e.g family. I feel like this will spill relationships too ?? Because how can I accept gift or anything
I think you have to unlearn some of your old habits, or even childhood traumas from before that are making you feel this way. Somehow, at some point in your life, you’ve been given the impression that you’re not worthy of those kind of gifts. Gifting is not your love language, it causes a shame trigger rather than pleasure and gratitude in you, or that someone is going to get pissed off with you and ask for it back.
Start thinking more highly of yourself, yes I am deserving of gifts. I deserve to be spoiled too.
Anon
3 years ago
dilemma where I canāt take men serious anymore because I always end speaking to someone who is in a full relationship or a whole marriage (disclaimer – I was not aware of it at the time subhanAllah). it always ends up with the partner dm me or calling on no caller ID and cussing me out saying I’m a whore and wants to ruin their relationship and this happened 4 times from different people this year, wallahi I’m so sick of it! furthermore, the husband once wanted to have sex with me and I refused, after that, he called me cheap šš, I have to laugh sorry. I tell the gf or wife that I wasnāt aware of it and they donāt believe me. I strongly believe they judge me by how young I look and my physical appearance. what baffles me is I’m still a virgin and for the guy and girl to accuse me of being something I am not! tbh, I don’t want to be the hot topic of their conversations or the cause of their failed relationship. I donāt want to create enemies and hate for something I wasnāt aware of! so i end up blocking the girl and guy. so now I’m just done with everything, can’t trust them and I’ve been cheated on before so i know how it feels. Iām 27, nearly done with my 2nd masters, my business is doing good and I just want to make a family of my own with an honest husband but idk how I can trust them when Iāve experienced both sides. so help me out sis
Start asking your friends or family to set you up with a suitor. That way you know their background and can are 100% their arent any pickneys lying around. Im really sorry to hear you have experienced that sis. Gosh, men can really be so disgusting. But yeah, start making sure you have a CRB on any guy before you date them.
Anon
3 years ago
hey sisters!! first of all thank you so much for dedicating your time to give us some insight and advice. sometimes we all need that 2nd, 3rd and even 10th opinion before making a decisionš so im glad you girls are making time for this
so for some context, i am a 23F and for a while i have been struggling with the whole ” put yourself out there” and date thing cos i am not being approached at all! I do consider myself to be an approachable and confident person…but there’s just something where the wires aren’t connecting. so i had a few conversations with my mum about this and although she stresses that she truly doesn’t give a heck about me dating or not dating and doesn’t care if i stay in the family home forever……she does sometimes discuss potential suitors with me, and asks if i would like to get to know them. so before… i used to just flat out say no and go on with my life. but recently she discussed with me a different guy who is in his early thirties, has his deen and akhlaaq on point and has a decent paying job . however * God forgive me for being slightly vain* when I saw his picture, he didn’t tick the boxes for someone who is my type on paper. he didn’t look bad at all but he was not my type! he also doesn’t have a university degree, and neither does he work in an industry where he possesses a specific skillset ( i.e tech, finance, entrepreneurship, etc) and that put me off for the simple fact that if i were to up and leave the country to work elsewhere,(which I plan to do in the next 5 years) I would be able to, as I have a degree and my transition into a career field abroad would be a lot smoother, whereas he would have to start from scratch and work a lower paying job.I was also a bit hesistant as he is almost a decade older than me and hasn’t gotten into career field properly. i know i read into this way too much for someone who ended up saying no to my mum (regarding getting to know him) but my mum mentioned to me that looks and the not having a degree thing is not a make or break for starting a foundation with someone and potentially marrying them.
i responded to my mum by saying that for my future plans, i would at least require the guy that im with to have a degree, or at least have a high paying job in a specific industry where he could transfer his skills to another workplace and/or country.
so my question is A: is my “no degree= you can’t get to know me” policy bad? is my mum’s point worth listening to. And B: is my outlook on life resulting in me potentially self-sabotaging?! what should i do to get out there instead of giving up and solely relying on my mum presenting me potential suitors?
Don’t feel bad or feel like you’re being vain. You’re literally just saying what you want.
You have set standards for yourself, so stick to it. I already know how hard it is for women to genuinely speak up for what they want without feeling scared or judged, so i would never tell you otherwise. You’re simply not attracted to him, and you don’t like the fact he doesn’t have a degree and he is not really in a stable field, despite his age. This guy is not for you, so what! Next time, make it clear to your mum that you would like someone who has a degree, is attractive etc.
You have nothing to feel bad about honestly
Anon
3 years ago
How do you think confidence should be put on. Constantly talking about what you want, what kind of men you wonāt tolerate, etc sometime it can come off to strong and make people think you are not down to earth or above yourself. I think surely thereās a humble way to go about it
Be very feminine. When someone sees you as feminine, they won’t just think you’re forcing being boujie but that you’re genuinely too girly and that he (whoever your dating) has to be the man all the time.
For example, when you are dressing really well, or when you’re wearing heels, make it a bit obvious you need help opening the doors etc. Don’t make it obvious of course that you don’t need help, but just give men small opportunities to make it look like you have high standards.
Talk about all the nice things you got for your room, and how you like to go get your hair and nails done. Those things make it very obvious that you have high standards without saying “I have high standards and I won’t tolerate xyz.”
Be super girly and dainty. Talk about how you have to use straws instead of sipping on a cup because of your lipgloss, and then maybe he always knows to get you a straw the next time you go out. Do you feel me?
Anon
3 years ago
How long apart do you think itās ideal for the soo doonis up to the wedding? I was thinking 3/4 months because of all the planning? X
I agree, I think thats a good enough time. My circumstance was different though, my husband actually met my dad a year and a bit before we got married because of covid. My dad was happy tho lmao he got to hold onto me for a bit longer.
Anon
3 years ago
Salam, Iām a girl in her early thirties, not married yet. No kids. I have a great career. Supportive and loving family and friends. Alhamdulilah. I feel so fulfilled in every aspect of my life and Iām super grateful for everything. For the last couple of years, Iāve wanted to settle down and have kids with a wonderful man. Iāve joined dating apps, have tried blind dates but to no avail. I also tend to be approached by the divorced men with kids (have nothing against them but Iām afraid itās a deal breaker for me). My question to you is, how do single women who live in big cities go about meeting the right men? Iām a firm believer that my one is out there and that InshaAllah one day weāll cross paths.
I think getting yourself out there more often is something you should aim to do. I know quite recently everyone is very comfortable declining motives from their friends, staying indoors. No one realises being a recluse drastically decreases any opportunity you’ll have to randomly bump into someone, or go out somewhere and someone approaches you. You have to be comfortable with the idea of going out often. Every weekend, if you’re single, never be indoors. Because you see how quickly time is flying, you wont even realise that you’ve spent the majority of the year indoors. Meet up with all your friends, and then your mutual friends. Express how you’re looking to meet someone, and maybe they might know someone who is also interested.
Always always exhaust all your options. And also, men with kids deserve love too. Especially when you get in your thirties, its rare to find a man around that age that are unmarried/with no kids, as a lot of them get married quite young.
I am really hopeful you’ll find your person though, you just need to get out of the bloody house!
Anon
3 years ago
Iāve been speaking to this guy for like 3 months, during that time he never makes any effort to link me, our daily phone calls/FaceTime are enough by the looks of it. How do I get him to come see me and take me out without seeming needy?
Weāve met up once so far and we both live in the same city, he drives, and we have a similar Mon-Friday work schedule so I donāt understand what his issue is. Iām even scared to address it cause I dunno if itās early days? Or because I simply shouldnāt be bothered about it?
Weāre both 27.. so Iām not saying we have to rush into anything but I feel as though Iām at an age where Iām tired of playing games? Im not saying make me yours so quickly but at least show some effort that youād like to get to know me more behind the screen.
Say what you want!! The right answer is to discuss this with him. I’d probably say āmove on, nextā, but thatās only appropriate if youāve had a discussion with him and things havenāt changed. But you haven’t said anything at all. Start making demands and making it very clear that you expect to go on dates. You set your standards, and men go off on that. You haven’t voiced it is you wanted and now he has no problems being a pen pal. Set the tone!
Anon
3 years ago
Hi,
Me and my ex broke up like 2 years ago, due to us becoming more religious, in order to avoid haram. We didnāt stay in contact, to make the process easier and whatnot. Fast forward today, Iāve started dating again and Iāve realised majority of the women I come across donāt match to the high standards she set(nothing special in the sense she was going out of her way to something crazy) just normal stuff as in personality, way of thinking and attractiveness. So I started thinking, would it be appropriate to hit her up after all this time, but it seems in the last 2 years, she didnāt take the break up as well as I thought she had. But at the same time, my pride doesnāt want me to take the chance of getting rejected(as Thatās never happened to me).
1) If you broke up with her to avoid haram? Why are you trying to go back now, or is that not a concern anymore for you? As in are your intentions for marriage?
2) She didn’t take the break up well as you thought she had, I mean what did you expect? I’m not even sure she will take well to you even trying to come back. it takes 6 months to really move on, you gave that girl 2 whole years.
3) You want to get back with her but your PRIDE is stopping you? Sir you are not serious. its like you telling people you want to audition for a role but you don’t want to do an audition? Why are you being half hearted.
You sound like you tried to get your foot out there again, realised no one is really interested in you like that, now you want to go back to the person who made you more comfortable and felt more like a relationship. Like you said, she didn’t even do much to set those high standards, you guys just clicked. If you really missed her, you wouldn’t give a damn about your pride. That would be the last thing on your mind. All you’d be caring about is getting your girl back. This whole time she was probably begging you to put your pride aside, please, if you are going to be concerned about your pride and manhood, go try again with new people.
Hi,
I remember you mention something about sibling rivalry on cc.
How can distance/cut off myself from older sister whos deeply jealous of me- from age, looks, education, job and men.
Constant remarks of that been done and in terms of my milestones. Hurtful comments and making things up inside her head that I haven’t said and then accusing me. Also, sabotaging things anything work related. Or giving wrong advice but asking me proper advice ??
Forgot to add comments about love life too, never dated because I have been work driven after completing uni but constant remarks about me not being relationship ( I’m mid 20’s loving life and luxury goods )
I hoping to relocate within one year time after completing my contract. But how can I distance/cut some like this off. (going to get therapy once I’m aboard)
Yeah I genuinely had to stop talking to my sisters for this exact reason. The girls who go through this know: a jealous sibling will go through any means possible to ruin and interfere with any of your achievements. And for that reason, they cannot be near you or the things you love. I mean theres this thing in culture where it is ceeb to not be on good terms with your siblings but they don’t account for the level of turmoil and destruction some people bring to your life.
My best advice is to cut things off once you have moved out and relocated. That way they can no longer get to you, or act out once you have made it clear you no longer want to speak with them.
I literally had to move out months before my nikkah for this exact reason, I realised certain energies and dark spirits were really trying to ruin my happy day, and alhamdulilah my husband had the means to get our home earlier so I could have a safe haven whilst planning for my wedding. Listen I feel you so hard on this one sis. And when you move on, its going to burn you. You’re gonna have to unpack all your feelings and then have to deal with it by yourself. You’re gonna look at people who have the most amazing siblings and think, fucking hell, why can’t mine just be nice to me? Honestly it used to bambozzle me when I saw sisters go out with each other ever day, they share the same friends, they are best friends even. Or when someone says, my sister looked after my baby whilst I took care of myself post partum. Im like huh, sisters do that?
You just have to accept sometimes your test might be family. Constantly having sabr for people who are a hinderance. But guess what, you’re going to leave and you won’t have to deal with this again. And when you start your own family, you are gonna make sure you have the best one and its going to be everything you’ve ever wanted inshallah.
not a question, but absolutely LOVE your page, MaShaAllah. May Allah SWT continue to bless you and yours Lula x
Wallahi I love seeing messages like this, please don’t ever feel like you don’t have to send encouragements for anyone wondering (please do!). It really pushes me and Ladan to continue trying to do what we’re doing. It also helps us to block outside noise.
Thank so much and ameen!!! Honestly, I really appreciate this haha I’m on my time of the month and i’m feeling so emosh so all your nice messages are making my day
Hey sis !
I feel like I can’t expect help for anyone with friends and family. It’s really hard for me to accept because mentally think that I will owe them something. Or the help isn’t genuinely or feel like being burden. When I do allow myself, I feel extremely guilty and on edge too. Or get thrown in my face e.g family. I feel like this will spill relationships too ?? Because how can I accept gift or anything
I think you have to unlearn some of your old habits, or even childhood traumas from before that are making you feel this way. Somehow, at some point in your life, you’ve been given the impression that you’re not worthy of those kind of gifts. Gifting is not your love language, it causes a shame trigger rather than pleasure and gratitude in you, or that someone is going to get pissed off with you and ask for it back.
Start thinking more highly of yourself, yes I am deserving of gifts. I deserve to be spoiled too.
dilemma where I canāt take men serious anymore because I always end speaking to someone who is in a full relationship or a whole marriage (disclaimer – I was not aware of it at the time subhanAllah). it always ends up with the partner dm me or calling on no caller ID and cussing me out saying I’m a whore and wants to ruin their relationship and this happened 4 times from different people this year, wallahi I’m so sick of it! furthermore, the husband once wanted to have sex with me and I refused, after that, he called me cheap šš, I have to laugh sorry. I tell the gf or wife that I wasnāt aware of it and they donāt believe me. I strongly believe they judge me by how young I look and my physical appearance. what baffles me is I’m still a virgin and for the guy and girl to accuse me of being something I am not! tbh, I don’t want to be the hot topic of their conversations or the cause of their failed relationship. I donāt want to create enemies and hate for something I wasnāt aware of! so i end up blocking the girl and guy. so now I’m just done with everything, can’t trust them and I’ve been cheated on before so i know how it feels. Iām 27, nearly done with my 2nd masters, my business is doing good and I just want to make a family of my own with an honest husband but idk how I can trust them when Iāve experienced both sides. so help me out sis
Start asking your friends or family to set you up with a suitor. That way you know their background and can are 100% their arent any pickneys lying around. Im really sorry to hear you have experienced that sis. Gosh, men can really be so disgusting. But yeah, start making sure you have a CRB on any guy before you date them.
hey sisters!! first of all thank you so much for dedicating your time to give us some insight and advice. sometimes we all need that 2nd, 3rd and even 10th opinion before making a decisionš so im glad you girls are making time for this
so for some context, i am a 23F and for a while i have been struggling with the whole ” put yourself out there” and date thing cos i am not being approached at all! I do consider myself to be an approachable and confident person…but there’s just something where the wires aren’t connecting. so i had a few conversations with my mum about this and although she stresses that she truly doesn’t give a heck about me dating or not dating and doesn’t care if i stay in the family home forever……she does sometimes discuss potential suitors with me, and asks if i would like to get to know them. so before… i used to just flat out say no and go on with my life. but recently she discussed with me a different guy who is in his early thirties, has his deen and akhlaaq on point and has a decent paying job . however * God forgive me for being slightly vain* when I saw his picture, he didn’t tick the boxes for someone who is my type on paper. he didn’t look bad at all but he was not my type! he also doesn’t have a university degree, and neither does he work in an industry where he possesses a specific skillset ( i.e tech, finance, entrepreneurship, etc) and that put me off for the simple fact that if i were to up and leave the country to work elsewhere,(which I plan to do in the next 5 years) I would be able to, as I have a degree and my transition into a career field abroad would be a lot smoother, whereas he would have to start from scratch and work a lower paying job.I was also a bit hesistant as he is almost a decade older than me and hasn’t gotten into career field properly. i know i read into this way too much for someone who ended up saying no to my mum (regarding getting to know him) but my mum mentioned to me that looks and the not having a degree thing is not a make or break for starting a foundation with someone and potentially marrying them.
i responded to my mum by saying that for my future plans, i would at least require the guy that im with to have a degree, or at least have a high paying job in a specific industry where he could transfer his skills to another workplace and/or country.
so my question is A: is my “no degree= you can’t get to know me” policy bad? is my mum’s point worth listening to. And B: is my outlook on life resulting in me potentially self-sabotaging?! what should i do to get out there instead of giving up and solely relying on my mum presenting me potential suitors?
thank you so much for reading my question!!
Don’t feel bad or feel like you’re being vain. You’re literally just saying what you want.
You have set standards for yourself, so stick to it. I already know how hard it is for women to genuinely speak up for what they want without feeling scared or judged, so i would never tell you otherwise. You’re simply not attracted to him, and you don’t like the fact he doesn’t have a degree and he is not really in a stable field, despite his age. This guy is not for you, so what! Next time, make it clear to your mum that you would like someone who has a degree, is attractive etc.
You have nothing to feel bad about honestly
How do you think confidence should be put on. Constantly talking about what you want, what kind of men you wonāt tolerate, etc sometime it can come off to strong and make people think you are not down to earth or above yourself. I think surely thereās a humble way to go about it
Be very feminine. When someone sees you as feminine, they won’t just think you’re forcing being boujie but that you’re genuinely too girly and that he (whoever your dating) has to be the man all the time.
For example, when you are dressing really well, or when you’re wearing heels, make it a bit obvious you need help opening the doors etc. Don’t make it obvious of course that you don’t need help, but just give men small opportunities to make it look like you have high standards.
Talk about all the nice things you got for your room, and how you like to go get your hair and nails done. Those things make it very obvious that you have high standards without saying “I have high standards and I won’t tolerate xyz.”
Be super girly and dainty. Talk about how you have to use straws instead of sipping on a cup because of your lipgloss, and then maybe he always knows to get you a straw the next time you go out. Do you feel me?
How long apart do you think itās ideal for the soo doonis up to the wedding? I was thinking 3/4 months because of all the planning? X
I agree, I think thats a good enough time. My circumstance was different though, my husband actually met my dad a year and a bit before we got married because of covid. My dad was happy tho lmao he got to hold onto me for a bit longer.
Salam, Iām a girl in her early thirties, not married yet. No kids. I have a great career. Supportive and loving family and friends. Alhamdulilah. I feel so fulfilled in every aspect of my life and Iām super grateful for everything. For the last couple of years, Iāve wanted to settle down and have kids with a wonderful man. Iāve joined dating apps, have tried blind dates but to no avail. I also tend to be approached by the divorced men with kids (have nothing against them but Iām afraid itās a deal breaker for me). My question to you is, how do single women who live in big cities go about meeting the right men? Iām a firm believer that my one is out there and that InshaAllah one day weāll cross paths.
I think getting yourself out there more often is something you should aim to do. I know quite recently everyone is very comfortable declining motives from their friends, staying indoors. No one realises being a recluse drastically decreases any opportunity you’ll have to randomly bump into someone, or go out somewhere and someone approaches you. You have to be comfortable with the idea of going out often. Every weekend, if you’re single, never be indoors. Because you see how quickly time is flying, you wont even realise that you’ve spent the majority of the year indoors. Meet up with all your friends, and then your mutual friends. Express how you’re looking to meet someone, and maybe they might know someone who is also interested.
Always always exhaust all your options. And also, men with kids deserve love too. Especially when you get in your thirties, its rare to find a man around that age that are unmarried/with no kids, as a lot of them get married quite young.
I am really hopeful you’ll find your person though, you just need to get out of the bloody house!
Iāve been speaking to this guy for like 3 months, during that time he never makes any effort to link me, our daily phone calls/FaceTime are enough by the looks of it. How do I get him to come see me and take me out without seeming needy?
Weāve met up once so far and we both live in the same city, he drives, and we have a similar Mon-Friday work schedule so I donāt understand what his issue is. Iām even scared to address it cause I dunno if itās early days? Or because I simply shouldnāt be bothered about it?
Weāre both 27.. so Iām not saying we have to rush into anything but I feel as though Iām at an age where Iām tired of playing games? Im not saying make me yours so quickly but at least show some effort that youād like to get to know me more behind the screen.
Say what you want!! The right answer is to discuss this with him. I’d probably say āmove on, nextā, but thatās only appropriate if youāve had a discussion with him and things havenāt changed. But you haven’t said anything at all. Start making demands and making it very clear that you expect to go on dates. You set your standards, and men go off on that. You haven’t voiced it is you wanted and now he has no problems being a pen pal. Set the tone!
Hi,
Me and my ex broke up like 2 years ago, due to us becoming more religious, in order to avoid haram. We didnāt stay in contact, to make the process easier and whatnot. Fast forward today, Iāve started dating again and Iāve realised majority of the women I come across donāt match to the high standards she set(nothing special in the sense she was going out of her way to something crazy) just normal stuff as in personality, way of thinking and attractiveness. So I started thinking, would it be appropriate to hit her up after all this time, but it seems in the last 2 years, she didnāt take the break up as well as I thought she had. But at the same time, my pride doesnāt want me to take the chance of getting rejected(as Thatās never happened to me).
There are a few things wrong with this
1) If you broke up with her to avoid haram? Why are you trying to go back now, or is that not a concern anymore for you? As in are your intentions for marriage?
2) She didn’t take the break up well as you thought she had, I mean what did you expect? I’m not even sure she will take well to you even trying to come back. it takes 6 months to really move on, you gave that girl 2 whole years.
3) You want to get back with her but your PRIDE is stopping you? Sir you are not serious. its like you telling people you want to audition for a role but you don’t want to do an audition? Why are you being half hearted.
You sound like you tried to get your foot out there again, realised no one is really interested in you like that, now you want to go back to the person who made you more comfortable and felt more like a relationship. Like you said, she didn’t even do much to set those high standards, you guys just clicked. If you really missed her, you wouldn’t give a damn about your pride. That would be the last thing on your mind. All you’d be caring about is getting your girl back. This whole time she was probably begging you to put your pride aside, please, if you are going to be concerned about your pride and manhood, go try again with new people.