Salaam! I am currently getting to know a guy. His family dynamic and the way he was brought up is very different to mine. He lives with family members but has no both parents are not in his life. He has no siblings. He suffered a very difficult time as he lost his mum only a year ago. Growing up he didnt do the whole college uni thing and has been friends with the wrong type of people. Because of this he has gotten caught up with the wrong thing. However aside from career the guy is really nice guy. Family orientated, respectable etc. He has spoken to me about “sorting his life out” getting a proper job and eventually getting married. My dilemma is i feel like im “falling in love” with potential. Im scared im going to waste my time waiting for someone to fix their life but at the same time i really like him. I want to make sure im not going to waste my time. I want to make sure this guy is actually for me. His such a maskeen guy at heart and honestly the “perfect” man but its just work wise it isnt looking great. He also doesnt know what work field to get into. I know he needs some sort of guidance as he doesnt have that but i dont know how i can help. Him acknowledging that he needs to change is great because then he wouldnt be changing for me itd be for himself but how do i help him and how do i make sure he actually sticks to his word. I want to get married by the end of next year so we need to have a plan and stick to it if this is going to work.
One thing I will say to you is pick a partner, not a project.
Subhanallah this man has lived an extremely hard life, and it is going to take a long time until he gets where he needs to be. So if you are ready for that, then go and invest your time in him. But know that it will be an extremely long time until you get anything back. And that’s if you do! Maybe, with all this building you do with hi, you’re just building him up for someone else.
Again, what do you want out of your future? A partner or a project? You don’t need a man to take care of you, but you’re looking for someone who wants to take care of you. Otherwise you are simply just lowering your standards and opening yourself up for potential exploitation. He can’t look after you, because he needs to honestly take care of himself.
If you wan’t to know what I’d do, I would rather ditch a relationship before it gets to marriage, than work with them on improving their flaws because it’s fruitless. I’m not making my man perfect for his next girlfriend. Marriage though is different, I’ll build on that. But boyfriend/girlfriends do not get those privileges.
Bless him! He really sounds like he has been through a lot. For me personally, I’m a strong believer in seeing the good in people. As you said he has acknowledged that he wants to change his way of life and find a good job so I’d start there. You could potentially support/encourage him to find a course at uni that would allow him to have the education that he requires to get a good job. You guys could sit together and write a CV together or even a uni application if he’s interested in taking that route. I think the most important thing here is to not make him feel like he’s not achieving a lot in life, instead support him and try to be his biggest cheerleader.
You mentioned that you’d like to get married by the end of next year and although that seems a long while away now, it really isn’t. You’re going to have to make some serious decisions. Do you wait longer for this man to get himself together and have a more secure living? That might be something worth considering if you really want him and think he has potential. You said it yourself he’s the ‘perfect’ man so is he worth pushing back your intended date of marriage. Even if it’s for another year.
On the other hand, you have the option of leaving him. He clearly has a lot of things he needs to work on before marrying anyone. He would have to start taking the actions he needs to and that is a journey he can do alone. In the meantime, you could be getting to know different people and could potentially meet the right guy who has an established career. Also, don’t be too fixed on the date you want to get married because most of the time we never get married when we say we want to. Let things work out in their own way and when you’re time is right then Insha’Allah you’ll marry the guy Allah has written for you.
Anon
3 years ago
My brother is about to get married soon, but things are not going well with his girl. MY brother is really nice guy, self-raised, college educated, practicing and has a good job, but he has been very picky about marriage and family has been really pressuring him to get married, he is in his early 30s. He was introduced to a girl about 8 months ago. She is in early 20s, and everything was going great, they were in love and we were all happy for him. She introduced him to her family and few weeks later asked for her hand and was accepted but nikkah has not happened yet . Recently, I have seen alot of changes in him, worries too much, and can tell that he is not himself. My brother is like a best friend to me, we are very close. So, I asked and asked. He finally told me that things are not going well for them. He told me that they had a agreement that before they get married for her to get her license reinstated, it was revoked because she had too many speeding tickets.Relies on family for driving but since the engagement. She has done nothing to get her stuff together, and no zero life goals or motivations. I told not to make rush decisions but that’s it. Any advice
Stay out of it. As much as you love your brother, and despite him being your best friend, you do not want to get involved.
There’s several reasons why. First I will say, you need to let him decide whether he is going to get married to her or not. There is no point you trying to get him away from her, if all he’s gonna do is go back. Its like when you fight on your friends behalf, and all they do is end up going back to their man. You’re the one who ends up looking like an idiot.
Also, whatever you say to him about her, WILL get back to her, word for word. Don’t ever doubt that for a second. Never underestimate the power of Pillowtalk, or halal Facetime in this case. You may think your brother would never tell her what you guys say about her, but trust me, he will. If you think she’s difficult to be around now, just wait till she’s been openly criticised and he’s been told he’s making a mistake. The level of difficulty will only increase exponentially. And girlllllll, it is going to get tekky.
In the words of Michael Moon: “Know your place girl.” Yeah you guys are his family whatever and you love him but with that having been said, he didn’t choose you guys. You’re his family yes, but he is kinda stuck with you on a technicality. This girl though, he CHOSE. If he has to pick between you, he’ll pick her. For one reason, because he knows you guys will still be there for him if he changes his mind later, but she probably wouldn’t be. For another reason, you may never know, but you don’t know how close they are . You feel me? She may or may not have a hold on him, that your family does not. Pardon my language, but I think you know where I’m going here. NOT SAYING THEY DO. BUT! Crazy tings are appening *in my tems voice* – and maybe that could be the reason why she has such a big affect on him. So you really need to know your place girl.
Whatever it is that you think about their relationship, it may or may not be true but remember, this is your perspective. It’s very difficult to accurately judge the quality of any relationship when you exist on the outside of this relationship.
I will give you an example of when you don’t support someone’s relationship and what will happen after. Let’s say you tell him about her. “This girl don’t deserve you bro! She lost her license! How can you even take her seriously. Home girl doesn’t even have life goals?”. After you say all of that, then what? Let’s say he still goes for her, marries her anyway despite all your grievances. What would you have achieved? I’ll tell you what.
All it will do is estrange them from the family. They will visit less often. You will only hear from them on birthdays, a cheeky holiday, you might even get a young Ramadan Iftaar to keep up appearances. But they will never make it a priority to hang out with you for no reason or spend lots of their free time with you.
Stay out of it sis, and let him decide. I know you’re coming from a good place, but let people make their own mistakes.
Anon
3 years ago
My situation is similar to the sister who got married with no gifts/gold/diraacs!!! Nearly two years later and still no wedding or house, only difference is this nigga is still broke!!! Do I hang on because I’ve suffered for so long and finally deserve some good from this?!! Or do I hit the door because I am so ready to hit it honestly I just don’t wanna make him feel sad or be in awkward situation, this is why I’ve held my tongue for so long because of this reason
You need to figure out what you want and what you’re willing to compromise on. You also need to start standing up for yourself more, there’s no point being worried that you’re going to make him feel awkward or less of a man, because at the end of the day, you are still not happy.
Stop trying to spare men’s feelings. Because I can guarantee you, the minute your husband is not happy about something, he won’t hold back. He will make that as clear as day. So do the same. Personally, I would divorce him. And that is me being absolutely honest. All the years I have wasted in this, its whatever, but I will not waste anymore. And I am damn well not going to bring children into the mix to complicate things further. Get out whilst you still can.
The real question here is what has he been doing in the past two years?
You know what as soon as I wrote that I realised that in the last two years we’ve been in a whole pandemic! It’s all a bit crazy tbh. I understand that it has been difficult for a lot of people to get good jobs during the pandemic but it hasn’t been impossible. So again how is he still broke?
I think it’s worth having a conversation with him first. You can’t keep biting your tough to protect his feelings. He decided to marry you so it is his responsibility to have your basic needs met starting with a home to live in. Express how you are feeling and how you’ve been patient because clearly, you’ve waited too long now. After that, get your family involved and have them ask his family what the whole pause is.
If you don’t see any change or any progression sis you are all within your rights to leave. If as a man he cannot provide for you then please don’t feel like you need to stay.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis I’m currently dating. I’ve never really spoken to guys much but I’ve been talking to this one for 2 months now and we go on dates every week but I’m confused about his communication style. He never says goodmorning and sometimes he goes an entire day and a half without talking to me or messaging me. He’s not a texter and he never did text me but no phone calls for a whole day to check in on me is a bit weird to me? Or is that his way of communicating? Should I be worried?
Sometime’s people are genuinely not good texters. Start calling him or initiating facetimes before you guys go bed. If something doesn’t work, try something new. And also voice that you’d like to hear more from him. Tell him that
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis,
I’ve been married for almost a year and I’ve been struggling a lot in my marriage to the point I’m insecure and really depressed I moved cities to be with my husband as he’s got commitments to his mum however I feel like he’s really not the same person I was dating for over 3 years I generally feel like he has no respect for women other than his mum he would watch porn in all four corners of the house and there’s been plenty of time I’ve caught him like it really gets to me mentally and he said he would stop but when we argue he uses it as an excuse to watch it and always blame me when he’s verbally abusive he comments on my appearance and i try not to let it get to me but it really does like I know I’m not ugly but I feel like I’ve let myself down we had no wedding no mehr upfront no gold or ring and no presents from his family as it was a nikkah during covid all because of his finances plus he’s family don’t give out gold when they get married which I’ve never heard before.
when he argues he goes I never gave u anything cos of the way ur arguing with me now. I tried to be understanding that he couldn’t afford to give me these things for my nikkah as he’s in his mid 20s but I definitely regret it because Did I get married to be verbally and physically abused and not get nothing at all I definitely regret it I tried to have sabr because I have hope but I’m so unhappy I feel like he has gained more from this marriage whereas I’ve gained nothing I work and come home I have no friends or family in his city. I feel like I would leave if I didn’t have debt and was in a better place but I can’t talk to my family about his porn habit because I feel like I would be shamed for talking about it and if I told his family they wouldn’t do or say anything. I generally feel like some days I wanna kill myself because I’m really overwhelmed in my marriage and this dunya.
I’m so so sorry you’ve had to experience this. This is horrible and you don’t deserve it. I am honestly so angry for you. Like I want to cuss him out first before I say anything
I just wanted to say quickly too, the reason I can come off harsh when I talk about avoiding men like this, I genuinely say it because of situations like this. I am so passionate about woman getting more from men, and it’s because most times, when you allow men to not fulfil his rights: because you want him to save, or that you see the potential in him etc, it gives him room to do nasty things like this. And you are the ones that benefit nothing. So whilst some people prefer sugarcoating stuff, you are going to wish someone screamed in your ear and told you all the harsh realities before you had to learn for yourself. You are going to wish someone stopped you.
At no point in this message can I encourage you to be with someone like this. He is manipulative, gas lighting, he does not want to have an intimate relationship with you, and then he blames you instead as to why he has to watch porn. Then he tells you, despite all you that you have allowed him to get away with, all the grace you have given him, that the reason you didn’t get anything in the first place was because of the way you argue with him.
You see ladies, men never appreciate you lowering your standards for them. They will throw it back in your face and make you wish you never did it.
My first advice would be for you is to prepare. Prepare for the worst case scenario. You might genuinely work things out, but by the sounds of it though, it’ll take a miracle. It sounds like the only reason you’re there is because you have no choice. So, prepare.
1) Do not get pregnant. Be consistent with your contraception. The last thing you need is an unplanned pregnancy that forces you to still be there.
2) Save. Build your fuck off fund, for the event he kicks you out and hangs you out to dry.
3) Speak to someone. Avoid your parents for now until they come to a decision, because they might make a scene.
4) Slowly start moving your stuff back into your parent’s house. Not too much to cause suspicion but just enough.
5) And then, when the time is right, and you have made a decision, decided whether you’ll stay or go.
Firstly, I’d like to say how sorry I am that you have to endure this level of abuse and hardship. You’re really strong for coming this far and having the courage to speak about it even if it’s to us. You’ve taken the first step in getting out of an abusive relationship and that is acknowledging that you are in one. Most of the time people in abusive relationships do not acknowledge it and spend their time making up excuses for their abuser.
Like Lula has said start preparing yourself to leave sis. This man you’re living with is manipulating you and mentally abusing you. You did not leave everything you know to be left in a situation like this. Please do not lose yourself here and keep strong. I’d literally advise what Lula has and I wish that it all works out for you.
Anon
3 years ago
How do I run away from all this nagging and pressure to get married. I’m young and busy and I’m very aware of myself. I know that I’m not ready to put someone’s needs over mine nor am I able to give up my space. I don’t even like children and I love my alone time. I’ve never envisioned myself married or being mother. But the nagging has gotten so bad that now I avoid my family, which is hard since I love talking to them but the nagging is too much. I also believe that some of them are being selfish by trying to push me and bully me into a relationship. And no I don’t have time to date nor do I want to. What do I do.
Say something really awkward and outlandish they next time whenever they ask you to have kids.
“If I get married, I’m going to make my husband get a womb transplant so he can be the one to have children.” “I think a man should be the one to raise kids.”
They will look at you and think this woman is so ceeb (embarassing), we can’t give her away to someone else. She has to stay single for the sake of our family pride loool
If you’re not ready for that then don’t listen to their nagging. Try to sit them all down and seriously tell them that you’re not looking for marriage and you’d like them to stop nagging because you don’t want to hear it. When they bring it up change the subject and make it obvious that you’re not interested in hearing that. Hopefully, after all that, they’ll get the hint and stop talking about it.
Ps. like you said you’re still young so enjoy life and don’t let it get to you x
Anon
3 years ago
super in love with your content it is so amazing and refreshing to see it! Just an idea feel free to do whatever you please with it ,perhaps to avoid any clashes, maybe you could provide a tick box for users who don’t want their anon situation to be publicised. it might be long or not possible to do and people might just end up ticking it but maybe its useful! once again i love what you guys are doing <333
Interesting, this might be a really good suggestion and it might make things more personable so thats nice. Sure we’ll try to look into it. But thank you so much anyway, I appreciate it
Anon
3 years ago
Here for advice.
How does one move on from betrayal, manipulation and deception? From a muslim man, pre-marriage? (He’s married now) It’s put me off to where I cannot imagine speaking to any other man ever again. The injustice experienced is hard to describe.
Don’t let one guy stop you from moving on. This is what is so fucked up about some experiences. Whilst they are happily married and moved on, you are left with fears of experiencing that same horrible situation with someone else. And this guy could give a flying toss. He’s already laid up with someone else. I feel like its double the injustice honestly. Don’t let this man get his happily ever after and you don’t. Those same men end up feeling a type of way once you have moved on. TRUST ME ON THAT
Anon
3 years ago
Almost hitting 25 years- never dated, never been on apps. I had people previously interest in me but never went anyone because I was really shy during early twenties and other times didn’t get the HINT 🤦🏾♀️How can I put myself out there??? Its so hard, now I have mentally made the switch. Where do people go or hang out ?? Honestly I feel like out of my depth here ! Why do people staree not approach !
Sometime’s not everyone is going to approach you, so start approaching them. And be really smart about it. A long time ago, I remember when me and one of my friends wanted someone to approach us and we got closer to them near a restaurant. And something really embarrassing happened to one of his friends, and me and my girls started teasing them (but obviously as a joke). I think we said something along the times of “Damn I mean you don’t have to be so nervous to see me” or something but it was so cheeky they started crying of laughter. And afterwards we all ended up joking around together.
So just be strategic with the way you approach people
Anon
3 years ago
Sounds weird but how can I take really good pics for the gram I’m pretty but it doesn’t show in pics !
Salaam! I am currently getting to know a guy. His family dynamic and the way he was brought up is very different to mine. He lives with family members but has no both parents are not in his life. He has no siblings. He suffered a very difficult time as he lost his mum only a year ago. Growing up he didnt do the whole college uni thing and has been friends with the wrong type of people. Because of this he has gotten caught up with the wrong thing. However aside from career the guy is really nice guy. Family orientated, respectable etc. He has spoken to me about “sorting his life out” getting a proper job and eventually getting married. My dilemma is i feel like im “falling in love” with potential. Im scared im going to waste my time waiting for someone to fix their life but at the same time i really like him. I want to make sure im not going to waste my time. I want to make sure this guy is actually for me. His such a maskeen guy at heart and honestly the “perfect” man but its just work wise it isnt looking great. He also doesnt know what work field to get into. I know he needs some sort of guidance as he doesnt have that but i dont know how i can help. Him acknowledging that he needs to change is great because then he wouldnt be changing for me itd be for himself but how do i help him and how do i make sure he actually sticks to his word. I want to get married by the end of next year so we need to have a plan and stick to it if this is going to work.
One thing I will say to you is pick a partner, not a project.
Subhanallah this man has lived an extremely hard life, and it is going to take a long time until he gets where he needs to be. So if you are ready for that, then go and invest your time in him. But know that it will be an extremely long time until you get anything back. And that’s if you do! Maybe, with all this building you do with hi, you’re just building him up for someone else.
Again, what do you want out of your future? A partner or a project? You don’t need a man to take care of you, but you’re looking for someone who wants to take care of you. Otherwise you are simply just lowering your standards and opening yourself up for potential exploitation. He can’t look after you, because he needs to honestly take care of himself.
If you wan’t to know what I’d do, I would rather ditch a relationship before it gets to marriage, than work with them on improving their flaws because it’s fruitless. I’m not making my man perfect for his next girlfriend. Marriage though is different, I’ll build on that. But boyfriend/girlfriends do not get those privileges.
Bless him! He really sounds like he has been through a lot. For me personally, I’m a strong believer in seeing the good in people. As you said he has acknowledged that he wants to change his way of life and find a good job so I’d start there. You could potentially support/encourage him to find a course at uni that would allow him to have the education that he requires to get a good job. You guys could sit together and write a CV together or even a uni application if he’s interested in taking that route. I think the most important thing here is to not make him feel like he’s not achieving a lot in life, instead support him and try to be his biggest cheerleader.
You mentioned that you’d like to get married by the end of next year and although that seems a long while away now, it really isn’t. You’re going to have to make some serious decisions. Do you wait longer for this man to get himself together and have a more secure living? That might be something worth considering if you really want him and think he has potential. You said it yourself he’s the ‘perfect’ man so is he worth pushing back your intended date of marriage. Even if it’s for another year.
On the other hand, you have the option of leaving him. He clearly has a lot of things he needs to work on before marrying anyone. He would have to start taking the actions he needs to and that is a journey he can do alone. In the meantime, you could be getting to know different people and could potentially meet the right guy who has an established career. Also, don’t be too fixed on the date you want to get married because most of the time we never get married when we say we want to. Let things work out in their own way and when you’re time is right then Insha’Allah you’ll marry the guy Allah has written for you.
My brother is about to get married soon, but things are not going well with his girl. MY brother is really nice guy, self-raised, college educated, practicing and has a good job, but he has been very picky about marriage and family has been really pressuring him to get married, he is in his early 30s. He was introduced to a girl about 8 months ago. She is in early 20s, and everything was going great, they were in love and we were all happy for him. She introduced him to her family and few weeks later asked for her hand and was accepted but nikkah has not happened yet . Recently, I have seen alot of changes in him, worries too much, and can tell that he is not himself. My brother is like a best friend to me, we are very close. So, I asked and asked. He finally told me that things are not going well for them. He told me that they had a agreement that before they get married for her to get her license reinstated, it was revoked because she had too many speeding tickets.Relies on family for driving but since the engagement. She has done nothing to get her stuff together, and no zero life goals or motivations. I told not to make rush decisions but that’s it. Any advice
Stay out of it. As much as you love your brother, and despite him being your best friend, you do not want to get involved.
There’s several reasons why. First I will say, you need to let him decide whether he is going to get married to her or not. There is no point you trying to get him away from her, if all he’s gonna do is go back. Its like when you fight on your friends behalf, and all they do is end up going back to their man. You’re the one who ends up looking like an idiot.
Also, whatever you say to him about her, WILL get back to her, word for word. Don’t ever doubt that for a second. Never underestimate the power of Pillowtalk, or halal Facetime in this case. You may think your brother would never tell her what you guys say about her, but trust me, he will. If you think she’s difficult to be around now, just wait till she’s been openly criticised and he’s been told he’s making a mistake. The level of difficulty will only increase exponentially. And girlllllll, it is going to get tekky.
In the words of Michael Moon: “Know your place girl.” Yeah you guys are his family whatever and you love him but with that having been said, he didn’t choose you guys. You’re his family yes, but he is kinda stuck with you on a technicality. This girl though, he CHOSE. If he has to pick between you, he’ll pick her. For one reason, because he knows you guys will still be there for him if he changes his mind later, but she probably wouldn’t be. For another reason, you may never know, but you don’t know how close they are . You feel me? She may or may not have a hold on him, that your family does not. Pardon my language, but I think you know where I’m going here. NOT SAYING THEY DO. BUT! Crazy tings are appening *in my tems voice* – and maybe that could be the reason why she has such a big affect on him. So you really need to know your place girl.
Whatever it is that you think about their relationship, it may or may not be true but remember, this is your perspective. It’s very difficult to accurately judge the quality of any relationship when you exist on the outside of this relationship.
I will give you an example of when you don’t support someone’s relationship and what will happen after. Let’s say you tell him about her. “This girl don’t deserve you bro! She lost her license! How can you even take her seriously. Home girl doesn’t even have life goals?”. After you say all of that, then what? Let’s say he still goes for her, marries her anyway despite all your grievances. What would you have achieved? I’ll tell you what.
All it will do is estrange them from the family. They will visit less often. You will only hear from them on birthdays, a cheeky holiday, you might even get a young Ramadan Iftaar to keep up appearances. But they will never make it a priority to hang out with you for no reason or spend lots of their free time with you.
Stay out of it sis, and let him decide. I know you’re coming from a good place, but let people make their own mistakes.
My situation is similar to the sister who got married with no gifts/gold/diraacs!!! Nearly two years later and still no wedding or house, only difference is this nigga is still broke!!! Do I hang on because I’ve suffered for so long and finally deserve some good from this?!! Or do I hit the door because I am so ready to hit it honestly I just don’t wanna make him feel sad or be in awkward situation, this is why I’ve held my tongue for so long because of this reason
You need to figure out what you want and what you’re willing to compromise on. You also need to start standing up for yourself more, there’s no point being worried that you’re going to make him feel awkward or less of a man, because at the end of the day, you are still not happy.
Stop trying to spare men’s feelings. Because I can guarantee you, the minute your husband is not happy about something, he won’t hold back. He will make that as clear as day. So do the same. Personally, I would divorce him. And that is me being absolutely honest. All the years I have wasted in this, its whatever, but I will not waste anymore. And I am damn well not going to bring children into the mix to complicate things further. Get out whilst you still can.
The real question here is what has he been doing in the past two years?
You know what as soon as I wrote that I realised that in the last two years we’ve been in a whole pandemic! It’s all a bit crazy tbh. I understand that it has been difficult for a lot of people to get good jobs during the pandemic but it hasn’t been impossible. So again how is he still broke?
I think it’s worth having a conversation with him first. You can’t keep biting your tough to protect his feelings. He decided to marry you so it is his responsibility to have your basic needs met starting with a home to live in. Express how you are feeling and how you’ve been patient because clearly, you’ve waited too long now. After that, get your family involved and have them ask his family what the whole pause is.
If you don’t see any change or any progression sis you are all within your rights to leave. If as a man he cannot provide for you then please don’t feel like you need to stay.
Hey sis I’m currently dating. I’ve never really spoken to guys much but I’ve been talking to this one for 2 months now and we go on dates every week but I’m confused about his communication style. He never says goodmorning and sometimes he goes an entire day and a half without talking to me or messaging me. He’s not a texter and he never did text me but no phone calls for a whole day to check in on me is a bit weird to me? Or is that his way of communicating? Should I be worried?
Sometime’s people are genuinely not good texters. Start calling him or initiating facetimes before you guys go bed. If something doesn’t work, try something new. And also voice that you’d like to hear more from him. Tell him that
Hey sis,
I’ve been married for almost a year and I’ve been struggling a lot in my marriage to the point I’m insecure and really depressed I moved cities to be with my husband as he’s got commitments to his mum however I feel like he’s really not the same person I was dating for over 3 years I generally feel like he has no respect for women other than his mum he would watch porn in all four corners of the house and there’s been plenty of time I’ve caught him like it really gets to me mentally and he said he would stop but when we argue he uses it as an excuse to watch it and always blame me when he’s verbally abusive he comments on my appearance and i try not to let it get to me but it really does like I know I’m not ugly but I feel like I’ve let myself down we had no wedding no mehr upfront no gold or ring and no presents from his family as it was a nikkah during covid all because of his finances plus he’s family don’t give out gold when they get married which I’ve never heard before.
when he argues he goes I never gave u anything cos of the way ur arguing with me now. I tried to be understanding that he couldn’t afford to give me these things for my nikkah as he’s in his mid 20s but I definitely regret it because Did I get married to be verbally and physically abused and not get nothing at all I definitely regret it I tried to have sabr because I have hope but I’m so unhappy I feel like he has gained more from this marriage whereas I’ve gained nothing I work and come home I have no friends or family in his city. I feel like I would leave if I didn’t have debt and was in a better place but I can’t talk to my family about his porn habit because I feel like I would be shamed for talking about it and if I told his family they wouldn’t do or say anything. I generally feel like some days I wanna kill myself because I’m really overwhelmed in my marriage and this dunya.
I’m so so sorry you’ve had to experience this. This is horrible and you don’t deserve it. I am honestly so angry for you. Like I want to cuss him out first before I say anything
I just wanted to say quickly too, the reason I can come off harsh when I talk about avoiding men like this, I genuinely say it because of situations like this. I am so passionate about woman getting more from men, and it’s because most times, when you allow men to not fulfil his rights: because you want him to save, or that you see the potential in him etc, it gives him room to do nasty things like this. And you are the ones that benefit nothing. So whilst some people prefer sugarcoating stuff, you are going to wish someone screamed in your ear and told you all the harsh realities before you had to learn for yourself. You are going to wish someone stopped you.
At no point in this message can I encourage you to be with someone like this. He is manipulative, gas lighting, he does not want to have an intimate relationship with you, and then he blames you instead as to why he has to watch porn. Then he tells you, despite all you that you have allowed him to get away with, all the grace you have given him, that the reason you didn’t get anything in the first place was because of the way you argue with him.
You see ladies, men never appreciate you lowering your standards for them. They will throw it back in your face and make you wish you never did it.
My first advice would be for you is to prepare. Prepare for the worst case scenario. You might genuinely work things out, but by the sounds of it though, it’ll take a miracle. It sounds like the only reason you’re there is because you have no choice. So, prepare.
1) Do not get pregnant. Be consistent with your contraception. The last thing you need is an unplanned pregnancy that forces you to still be there.
2) Save. Build your fuck off fund, for the event he kicks you out and hangs you out to dry.
3) Speak to someone. Avoid your parents for now until they come to a decision, because they might make a scene.
4) Slowly start moving your stuff back into your parent’s house. Not too much to cause suspicion but just enough.
5) And then, when the time is right, and you have made a decision, decided whether you’ll stay or go.
If you leave, start going into therapy.
Firstly, I’d like to say how sorry I am that you have to endure this level of abuse and hardship. You’re really strong for coming this far and having the courage to speak about it even if it’s to us. You’ve taken the first step in getting out of an abusive relationship and that is acknowledging that you are in one. Most of the time people in abusive relationships do not acknowledge it and spend their time making up excuses for their abuser.
Like Lula has said start preparing yourself to leave sis. This man you’re living with is manipulating you and mentally abusing you. You did not leave everything you know to be left in a situation like this. Please do not lose yourself here and keep strong. I’d literally advise what Lula has and I wish that it all works out for you.
How do I run away from all this nagging and pressure to get married. I’m young and busy and I’m very aware of myself. I know that I’m not ready to put someone’s needs over mine nor am I able to give up my space. I don’t even like children and I love my alone time. I’ve never envisioned myself married or being mother. But the nagging has gotten so bad that now I avoid my family, which is hard since I love talking to them but the nagging is too much. I also believe that some of them are being selfish by trying to push me and bully me into a relationship. And no I don’t have time to date nor do I want to. What do I do.
Say something really awkward and outlandish they next time whenever they ask you to have kids.
“If I get married, I’m going to make my husband get a womb transplant so he can be the one to have children.” “I think a man should be the one to raise kids.”
They will look at you and think this woman is so ceeb (embarassing), we can’t give her away to someone else. She has to stay single for the sake of our family pride loool
If you’re not ready for that then don’t listen to their nagging. Try to sit them all down and seriously tell them that you’re not looking for marriage and you’d like them to stop nagging because you don’t want to hear it. When they bring it up change the subject and make it obvious that you’re not interested in hearing that. Hopefully, after all that, they’ll get the hint and stop talking about it.
Ps. like you said you’re still young so enjoy life and don’t let it get to you x
super in love with your content it is so amazing and refreshing to see it! Just an idea feel free to do whatever you please with it ,perhaps to avoid any clashes, maybe you could provide a tick box for users who don’t want their anon situation to be publicised. it might be long or not possible to do and people might just end up ticking it but maybe its useful! once again i love what you guys are doing <333
Interesting, this might be a really good suggestion and it might make things more personable so thats nice. Sure we’ll try to look into it. But thank you so much anyway, I appreciate it
Here for advice.
How does one move on from betrayal, manipulation and deception? From a muslim man, pre-marriage? (He’s married now) It’s put me off to where I cannot imagine speaking to any other man ever again. The injustice experienced is hard to describe.
Charge it to the game.
Don’t let one guy stop you from moving on. This is what is so fucked up about some experiences. Whilst they are happily married and moved on, you are left with fears of experiencing that same horrible situation with someone else. And this guy could give a flying toss. He’s already laid up with someone else. I feel like its double the injustice honestly. Don’t let this man get his happily ever after and you don’t. Those same men end up feeling a type of way once you have moved on. TRUST ME ON THAT
Almost hitting 25 years- never dated, never been on apps. I had people previously interest in me but never went anyone because I was really shy during early twenties and other times didn’t get the HINT 🤦🏾♀️How can I put myself out there??? Its so hard, now I have mentally made the switch. Where do people go or hang out ?? Honestly I feel like out of my depth here ! Why do people staree not approach !
Sometime’s not everyone is going to approach you, so start approaching them. And be really smart about it. A long time ago, I remember when me and one of my friends wanted someone to approach us and we got closer to them near a restaurant. And something really embarrassing happened to one of his friends, and me and my girls started teasing them (but obviously as a joke). I think we said something along the times of “Damn I mean you don’t have to be so nervous to see me” or something but it was so cheeky they started crying of laughter. And afterwards we all ended up joking around together.
So just be strategic with the way you approach people
Sounds weird but how can I take really good pics for the gram I’m pretty but it doesn’t show in pics !
Get a good ring light from amazon, and download lightroom on iphone. It helps to brighten up your pictures.