You have to understand that sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Life is hard right now. We all have our own demons. You have zero idea what was going on in the person’s life other than you. I know it sucks. It really hurts, but honestly it is not a reflection on you.
The best thing to do in these environments is honestly to just not get your hopes up until maybe the point that you’ve had a couple of dates in real and hit it off with each other. Until then, just see everyone as experience.
Anon
3 years ago
Heey sisters, I want to firstly say that I love this platform. Thank you for creating it.
I’m a single female in my mid-twenties with a 4 year old daughter. I have been single ever since I gave birth to her. i also never talked to a guy after my divorce. Even before marriage I never engaged in conversations to men in private. I met my ex thru a family friend. Our convos back then were always in presence of a wali.
Lately i have been wanting to meet someone new. The only problem is I don’t socialise, go out much plus i dont have male friends. I tried muzmatch for a day but deleted that quickly after a day. The men on there didn’t seem serious && i simply dont have time to waste on ppl that aren’t serious.
I have been thinking that maybe Im not worthy of companionship now that I’m a single mother. i’m fighting these thoughts but it seems men arent that interested in a single mum.
I think it’s smart to make sure you’re in a very strong and confident mental headspace and be honest with yourself about your readiness to date. Take your time, be selective and make sure they’re bringing something beneficial or walk away.
You will eventually go on dates, but don’t make your child the focal point of the conversation. In fact, don’t even tell them about your child until the 1st or 2nd date. I say that because let the first few dates be about YOU.
On dates, chat often turns to children and that’s great, but try to steer the conversation back to yourself and your life and his life because the guy won’t be meeting your child for a long time even if he becomes your boyfriend.
Also try to open your dating pool. Maybe consider father’s to, because like you, they also understand how hard it is to get yourself out there with children. At least then you will be on the same playing field and won’t feel like you’re lucky someone’s even considering you.
My advice is to be brutally honest about your readiness, what you want in a partner, develop your boundaries before you’re in a relationship and don’t spend unwarranted energy on men just because they’re around. Men are always around, they aint going nowhere. If you just wanted a man, look outside and point but if you want a partner, you have to really wait and work for it. Don’t ever be discouraged.
I understand you may not be as available to go out as much, so askyour friends or mutuals to set you up indirectly with someone might help. It saves you time from having to do it yourself. Try to be present on social media, because there are a lot of men on there too. Maybe join Linkedin etc. Just get yourself out there.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis hope your doing well. Not long ago I was in a situationship with a male friend of mine. We’ve been friends for a long period of time now. Not long ago he started to be a bit flirtatious and I wasn’t necessarily entertaining it but didn’t stop him either. When it came to my standard he did meet my requirements. He was flirtatious for a couple of months. However I found out he was doing the same to another girl that I am friends with. I some how managed to tell him that I was starting to like him but this was done indirectly. After that i mentioned I liked him he started to apologise BARE and said he didn’t mean to make me feel like that. I ended up playing it off as a joke. Im a type of person were I wouldn’t mention or say anything if the feelings were reciprocated. A few weeks went by and he kept asking how I was through our phone calls. I could tell that deep down he knew I liked him. The situation started to confuse me a little because he would check up on me more than he used to. I decided to distance myself because I felt like our friendship was disrespected. He was talking to other girls the same way he was talking to me which I didn’t find normal. My question to you is should I just keep my distance or should I confront him about how I felt disrespected.
I would say if this was a person socially isolated from your social group that it would be entirely up in the air dependent on your personal emotional reserves, whether to confront or ghost. However seeing as he is integrated to some degree in your social group, to me it would be better to confront to ensure that he doesn’t have some false ideas at his end to potentially poison your friendship group. And it helps in terms of damage control.
But if you don’t care about the friendship group or the awkwardness, I honestly- would not confront him. Charge it to the game. I don’t think there needs to be closure or a resolution in situationships, I think it’s kind of dangerous. Because he is either going to paint you out as this needy girl who is onto him, or he will just say enough to keep you there. It’s long. Charge it to the game.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girls, my dilemma is that I am exhausted, I constantly feel so drained from being the problem solver in my family to the point where I don’t feel like I am living for myself, I am the biggest peoples pleaser because of expectations set by my family. If I even try to do anything for myself and set some boundaries I am labelled as selfish even though most of the time others are more of a priority. It has gotten to the point where now when my family members approach me with their problems I feel such callousness towards everything and everyone. I do not want to be a mediator between people and need them to stop bothering me with their issues as if I don’t already have my own shit going on. I have 2 older brothers who live in the house and are unmarried, they seem to live such peaceful lives where no one bothers them with anything ever. How do I draw the line?
The reason why your brothers get to live such peaceful lives is because they do not concern themselves about in-house matters. They treat the house like it’s a hotel. Although I get it, you’re the daughter, it’s different, you need to be apart of the household. But as someone who has been in your shoes, it is long. You benefit nothing. absolutely nothing from bearing all the burden and carrying it on your back.
Be like your brothers. Be in the clouds until these people learn to stop being co-dependent on you!
Distance is key. Stop offering your time, your assistance. Make sure you give everyone the bare minimum.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis I liked this guy a few years ago but I never told him but it ended up getting back to him that I did.I’ve moved on and now I feel like every potential that I could talk to is close friends with him or he knows in some way.Because we’re both from the same side of ldn I’m scared that if they ask him about me he would respond in a way it would ruin my chances.It’s annoying because I feel like.It’s annoying because this guy is literally every where and is friends with everyone including some of my guy friends I feel like I can’t escape him
You liked him years ago and he found out. Nothing happened between you guys and you moved on? What’s the problem?
You are overthinking it. I know London is small, but it isn’t that small. And also, you are under the impression that he is still thinking about you, maybe he doesn’t even care. Maybe he has moved on himself. Honestly this isn’t a big deal. Just go on your dates loool
Anon
3 years ago
I needed this free space to talk about this.
A man who’s married with a few kids is in love with me. I don’t know how I let myself get into this, but this man is the most sweetest and caring man in the world. Of course him and his wife live in different countries, but that doesn’t change anything. We been together for a few years now and things only get better with time. I feel guilty so often, idk what to do. Sometimes I just want to end it off because I know that’s the right thing to do but at the same time I get this feeling that I will never find a love like this ever again.
You are ruining someone’s life because of your selfish need to feel loved by someone that’s not yours. One thing that’s certain is that if he got bored of his wife, he will soon be bored of you.
I suggest you either end it now or watch your life, and the life of this man’s poor wife, fall apart because of your selfish need to feel love and be apart of something THATS NOT YOURS. Whilst you might be under the impression that this little notion of yours is sweet, I can assure you it isn’t. Things like this happen all the time and it never ends well for the person who is cheating or the person they are cheating with. One day people are going to find out about you and it’ll ruin your prospects for the rest of your life. This guy might leave this unscathed, his wife might even take him back, and they will live happily ever after. You though, will be known as the whore who tried to ruin a family.
I understand your feelings may have gotten the better of you, but get out whilst you can. If he loved you so much, why hasn’t he officially left his wife after all these years? That’s because his wife ain’t going nowhere. End it before people find out.
Anon
3 years ago
I’m 32 and i consider myself relatively established,I have a degree and work in what I consider a prestigious field. I always said I don’t want to get married until I get my degree/work etc and I never seen marriage to be of significance. Until now, I don’t know if it’s due to the pressure of family and relatives, friends and everyone I know getting married (social media doesn’t make it easier either) but I’ve felt like I’m missing out. I’ve tried dating and tbh I’ve had many opportunities to get married but every time We reach a certain point in the relationship (dating phase) …either I chicken out or the guy has a change of mind. Literally 3 guys I was speaking to, got married this year all within the same period. Am I just a token of marriage for these men? For the past 4 months I’ve kept away from men in general…thinking there’s no way I’ll be the gateway to your marriage..ridiculous I know but it’s reached the point where im questioning myself.
No you’re not. Like you said, you chickened and these men have moved on. Its you who dropped the ball.
Btw I really don’t want that to sound harsh, I just type like I’m writing out equations and solutions- this equals so and so etc. It helps me to condense information really quickly and give good solutions rather than just waffling. Sorry just wanted to make that clear!
Okay. You chicken out, lets start there. What’s your reason as to why you fear commitment so much?
Is it a fear of being vulnerable? Being your most naked self so to speak? If that’s what it is, I get it, opening up to someone can be a tough and scary thing for people. It takes putting a lot of trust and faith into another person to truly open your entire world and soul to them, so it can be difficult to really have a secure relationship out of fear of being rejected for who you are.
But you can’t be scared of rejection. You’re going to get rejected everywhere in life. I’m pretty sure my first crush in secondary school liked me back but he didn’t want to be seen with me loooooooool (he was non muslim so you know those hidden feelings towards the hijab). The rejection hurt, and I got more after that. Then suddenly, it all changed for me, and then it was me handing out rejections. So what I’m saying is, rejection is just temporary, some people are not going to feel you, and then there are gonna be others who want nothing but to be with you. Nothing to it but to do it. Embrace failure and rejection. It’s going to happen, but it’s always better than asking ‘what if’s.
Also things like Imposter Syndrome kinda could be a factor as sometimes actually getting what you want make you feel unworthy or freak you out because you care about the relationship so much. Sometimes getting what you want won’t make you happy and that can make people skirt commitment. You can’t that get in the way of seeking happiness. So you have to fight those feelings and constantly reaffirm yourself.
Are you scared if your relationships will last? Is that the problem? Even when you do start a long-term relationship, there can be a lot of uncertainly about whether this is going to work out, which messes with your head. For some, they stop themselves before they even start because they are afraid it will go south at some point and what the consequences of that will be. Stop self sabotaging and just fucking go for it.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girls
I’m a 21yr old who’s never had a guy show serious interest in me or moved to me. I feel so ugly sometimes and am trying to not to put my self worth based on a mans validation bc I KNOW I LOOK GOOD :(. Any tips bc I’m seeing everyone loved up and feeling very envious.
How do I stop thinking like this bc it’s really affecting my self esteem.
Don’t see a relationship as a key to happiness, let’s say for example you end up in a relationship, and that 6-12 months later, it doesn’t work out and you end up breaking up. Because you put so much value on relationships, you’re going to have a hard time finding happiness in anything else. Despite how good your life is, nothing will measure up to it because this means so much to you. But if I am being completely honest, if you’re constantly striving for happiness to come from an external source, you’re never going to be happy.
You will also lower your standards so you can have this thing that you’re dying for so much. You’ll accept any Tom, Dick or Harry – because this thing you’re yearning for, means more to you than the person you’re actually going to end up with. This is how so many girls end up in fucked up situations, and that’s because they overlooked the red flags. Don’t fall victim to it. See it as you haven’t found someone worthy enough to have you yet. Wallahi your time will come sis.
Also, some relationships are not that great. The day you end up in a relationship might be the day you find out you might not even be a relationship-person. It’s all relative. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Inshallah, your time will come.
Anon
3 years ago
Salaam both hope you’re well. I feel so hopeless rn – 26F, practising, decent looking, educated, funny, housetrained (what else is on the list?) and having such a difficult time clicking with anyone at all. Not doing well on the apps at all, it’s making me feel like there’s something wrong with me and frankly between covid and work and studies, difficult to meet men irl. Any advice on where I’m going wrong would be hugely appreciated
You shouldn’t be hopeless, because by the sounds of it, you have your shit together – so don’t let yourself be so hopeless when you have so much going for you.
There are many reasons why it’s so hard to meet people right now, theres Covid, the fact people genuinely have gotten used to being home, and how high people’s standards are. Also, most people are not for you, and you are not for most people. It is very easy to find a man, but you don’t want any man, you want someone thats for you. That’s why its hard because people aren’t interchangeable commodities. There are plenty of fish in the sea but everyone’s looking for a specific kind of rare fish. You feel me?
You just have to not give up. I know it’s easy coming from someone who’s already settled down, but if I look back at it, when I was single- I was rarely at home. I was always out meeting people. And the one thing that wasn’t on my mind: was a relationship. When I was younger, thats all i cared about though was settling down. I just genuinely ended up always being disappointed. And then, when I completely let go, and actually enjoyed being my own woman, is when I started meeting so many more people.
I know that this year was basically the year of the Marriaaaage for a lot of people, but don’t look at it as if you are late to the party. Because the party has just begun
Omg sis I remember when I used to read ur cc and you finally made this platform. Allahumma baarek!! btw are u still making the podcast?
Yes! We are still doing the podcast, inshallah it will be ready end of January or by the latest, first week of Feb.
How do I get over being ghosted? Finding it hard not to take it personally and let go of how I attracted I was to him which is rare for me
You have to understand that sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Life is hard right now. We all have our own demons. You have zero idea what was going on in the person’s life other than you. I know it sucks. It really hurts, but honestly it is not a reflection on you.
The best thing to do in these environments is honestly to just not get your hopes up until maybe the point that you’ve had a couple of dates in real and hit it off with each other. Until then, just see everyone as experience.
Heey sisters, I want to firstly say that I love this platform. Thank you for creating it.
I’m a single female in my mid-twenties with a 4 year old daughter. I have been single ever since I gave birth to her. i also never talked to a guy after my divorce. Even before marriage I never engaged in conversations to men in private. I met my ex thru a family friend. Our convos back then were always in presence of a wali.
Lately i have been wanting to meet someone new. The only problem is I don’t socialise, go out much plus i dont have male friends. I tried muzmatch for a day but deleted that quickly after a day. The men on there didn’t seem serious && i simply dont have time to waste on ppl that aren’t serious.
I have been thinking that maybe Im not worthy of companionship now that I’m a single mother. i’m fighting these thoughts but it seems men arent that interested in a single mum.
Any tips on how to meet a good man is welcome.
I think it’s smart to make sure you’re in a very strong and confident mental headspace and be honest with yourself about your readiness to date. Take your time, be selective and make sure they’re bringing something beneficial or walk away.
You will eventually go on dates, but don’t make your child the focal point of the conversation. In fact, don’t even tell them about your child until the 1st or 2nd date. I say that because let the first few dates be about YOU.
On dates, chat often turns to children and that’s great, but try to steer the conversation back to yourself and your life and his life because the guy won’t be meeting your child for a long time even if he becomes your boyfriend.
Also try to open your dating pool. Maybe consider father’s to, because like you, they also understand how hard it is to get yourself out there with children. At least then you will be on the same playing field and won’t feel like you’re lucky someone’s even considering you.
My advice is to be brutally honest about your readiness, what you want in a partner, develop your boundaries before you’re in a relationship and don’t spend unwarranted energy on men just because they’re around. Men are always around, they aint going nowhere. If you just wanted a man, look outside and point but if you want a partner, you have to really wait and work for it. Don’t ever be discouraged.
I understand you may not be as available to go out as much, so askyour friends or mutuals to set you up indirectly with someone might help. It saves you time from having to do it yourself. Try to be present on social media, because there are a lot of men on there too. Maybe join Linkedin etc. Just get yourself out there.
Hey sis hope your doing well. Not long ago I was in a situationship with a male friend of mine. We’ve been friends for a long period of time now. Not long ago he started to be a bit flirtatious and I wasn’t necessarily entertaining it but didn’t stop him either. When it came to my standard he did meet my requirements. He was flirtatious for a couple of months. However I found out he was doing the same to another girl that I am friends with. I some how managed to tell him that I was starting to like him but this was done indirectly. After that i mentioned I liked him he started to apologise BARE and said he didn’t mean to make me feel like that. I ended up playing it off as a joke. Im a type of person were I wouldn’t mention or say anything if the feelings were reciprocated. A few weeks went by and he kept asking how I was through our phone calls. I could tell that deep down he knew I liked him. The situation started to confuse me a little because he would check up on me more than he used to. I decided to distance myself because I felt like our friendship was disrespected. He was talking to other girls the same way he was talking to me which I didn’t find normal. My question to you is should I just keep my distance or should I confront him about how I felt disrespected.
I would say if this was a person socially isolated from your social group that it would be entirely up in the air dependent on your personal emotional reserves, whether to confront or ghost. However seeing as he is integrated to some degree in your social group, to me it would be better to confront to ensure that he doesn’t have some false ideas at his end to potentially poison your friendship group. And it helps in terms of damage control.
But if you don’t care about the friendship group or the awkwardness, I honestly- would not confront him. Charge it to the game. I don’t think there needs to be closure or a resolution in situationships, I think it’s kind of dangerous. Because he is either going to paint you out as this needy girl who is onto him, or he will just say enough to keep you there. It’s long. Charge it to the game.
Hey girls, my dilemma is that I am exhausted, I constantly feel so drained from being the problem solver in my family to the point where I don’t feel like I am living for myself, I am the biggest peoples pleaser because of expectations set by my family. If I even try to do anything for myself and set some boundaries I am labelled as selfish even though most of the time others are more of a priority. It has gotten to the point where now when my family members approach me with their problems I feel such callousness towards everything and everyone. I do not want to be a mediator between people and need them to stop bothering me with their issues as if I don’t already have my own shit going on. I have 2 older brothers who live in the house and are unmarried, they seem to live such peaceful lives where no one bothers them with anything ever. How do I draw the line?
The reason why your brothers get to live such peaceful lives is because they do not concern themselves about in-house matters. They treat the house like it’s a hotel. Although I get it, you’re the daughter, it’s different, you need to be apart of the household. But as someone who has been in your shoes, it is long. You benefit nothing. absolutely nothing from bearing all the burden and carrying it on your back.
Be like your brothers. Be in the clouds until these people learn to stop being co-dependent on you!
Distance is key. Stop offering your time, your assistance. Make sure you give everyone the bare minimum.
Hey sis I liked this guy a few years ago but I never told him but it ended up getting back to him that I did.I’ve moved on and now I feel like every potential that I could talk to is close friends with him or he knows in some way.Because we’re both from the same side of ldn I’m scared that if they ask him about me he would respond in a way it would ruin my chances.It’s annoying because I feel like.It’s annoying because this guy is literally every where and is friends with everyone including some of my guy friends I feel like I can’t escape him
You liked him years ago and he found out. Nothing happened between you guys and you moved on? What’s the problem?
You are overthinking it. I know London is small, but it isn’t that small. And also, you are under the impression that he is still thinking about you, maybe he doesn’t even care. Maybe he has moved on himself. Honestly this isn’t a big deal. Just go on your dates loool
I needed this free space to talk about this.
A man who’s married with a few kids is in love with me. I don’t know how I let myself get into this, but this man is the most sweetest and caring man in the world. Of course him and his wife live in different countries, but that doesn’t change anything. We been together for a few years now and things only get better with time. I feel guilty so often, idk what to do. Sometimes I just want to end it off because I know that’s the right thing to do but at the same time I get this feeling that I will never find a love like this ever again.
You are ruining someone’s life because of your selfish need to feel loved by someone that’s not yours. One thing that’s certain is that if he got bored of his wife, he will soon be bored of you.
I suggest you either end it now or watch your life, and the life of this man’s poor wife, fall apart because of your selfish need to feel love and be apart of something THATS NOT YOURS. Whilst you might be under the impression that this little notion of yours is sweet, I can assure you it isn’t. Things like this happen all the time and it never ends well for the person who is cheating or the person they are cheating with. One day people are going to find out about you and it’ll ruin your prospects for the rest of your life. This guy might leave this unscathed, his wife might even take him back, and they will live happily ever after. You though, will be known as the whore who tried to ruin a family.
I understand your feelings may have gotten the better of you, but get out whilst you can. If he loved you so much, why hasn’t he officially left his wife after all these years? That’s because his wife ain’t going nowhere. End it before people find out.
I’m 32 and i consider myself relatively established,I have a degree and work in what I consider a prestigious field. I always said I don’t want to get married until I get my degree/work etc and I never seen marriage to be of significance. Until now, I don’t know if it’s due to the pressure of family and relatives, friends and everyone I know getting married (social media doesn’t make it easier either) but I’ve felt like I’m missing out. I’ve tried dating and tbh I’ve had many opportunities to get married but every time We reach a certain point in the relationship (dating phase) …either I chicken out or the guy has a change of mind. Literally 3 guys I was speaking to, got married this year all within the same period. Am I just a token of marriage for these men? For the past 4 months I’ve kept away from men in general…thinking there’s no way I’ll be the gateway to your marriage..ridiculous I know but it’s reached the point where im questioning myself.
Am I just a token of marriage for these men?
No you’re not. Like you said, you chickened and these men have moved on. Its you who dropped the ball.
Btw I really don’t want that to sound harsh, I just type like I’m writing out equations and solutions- this equals so and so etc. It helps me to condense information really quickly and give good solutions rather than just waffling. Sorry just wanted to make that clear!
Okay. You chicken out, lets start there. What’s your reason as to why you fear commitment so much?
Is it a fear of being vulnerable? Being your most naked self so to speak? If that’s what it is, I get it, opening up to someone can be a tough and scary thing for people. It takes putting a lot of trust and faith into another person to truly open your entire world and soul to them, so it can be difficult to really have a secure relationship out of fear of being rejected for who you are.
But you can’t be scared of rejection. You’re going to get rejected everywhere in life. I’m pretty sure my first crush in secondary school liked me back but he didn’t want to be seen with me loooooooool (he was non muslim so you know those hidden feelings towards the hijab). The rejection hurt, and I got more after that. Then suddenly, it all changed for me, and then it was me handing out rejections. So what I’m saying is, rejection is just temporary, some people are not going to feel you, and then there are gonna be others who want nothing but to be with you. Nothing to it but to do it. Embrace failure and rejection. It’s going to happen, but it’s always better than asking ‘what if’s.
Also things like Imposter Syndrome kinda could be a factor as sometimes actually getting what you want make you feel unworthy or freak you out because you care about the relationship so much. Sometimes getting what you want won’t make you happy and that can make people skirt commitment. You can’t that get in the way of seeking happiness. So you have to fight those feelings and constantly reaffirm yourself.
Are you scared if your relationships will last? Is that the problem? Even when you do start a long-term relationship, there can be a lot of uncertainly about whether this is going to work out, which messes with your head. For some, they stop themselves before they even start because they are afraid it will go south at some point and what the consequences of that will be. Stop self sabotaging and just fucking go for it.
Hey girls
I’m a 21yr old who’s never had a guy show serious interest in me or moved to me. I feel so ugly sometimes and am trying to not to put my self worth based on a mans validation bc I KNOW I LOOK GOOD :(. Any tips bc I’m seeing everyone loved up and feeling very envious.
How do I stop thinking like this bc it’s really affecting my self esteem.
Don’t see a relationship as a key to happiness, let’s say for example you end up in a relationship, and that 6-12 months later, it doesn’t work out and you end up breaking up. Because you put so much value on relationships, you’re going to have a hard time finding happiness in anything else. Despite how good your life is, nothing will measure up to it because this means so much to you. But if I am being completely honest, if you’re constantly striving for happiness to come from an external source, you’re never going to be happy.
You will also lower your standards so you can have this thing that you’re dying for so much. You’ll accept any Tom, Dick or Harry – because this thing you’re yearning for, means more to you than the person you’re actually going to end up with. This is how so many girls end up in fucked up situations, and that’s because they overlooked the red flags. Don’t fall victim to it. See it as you haven’t found someone worthy enough to have you yet. Wallahi your time will come sis.
Also, some relationships are not that great. The day you end up in a relationship might be the day you find out you might not even be a relationship-person. It’s all relative. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Inshallah, your time will come.
Salaam both hope you’re well. I feel so hopeless rn – 26F, practising, decent looking, educated, funny, housetrained (what else is on the list?) and having such a difficult time clicking with anyone at all. Not doing well on the apps at all, it’s making me feel like there’s something wrong with me and frankly between covid and work and studies, difficult to meet men irl. Any advice on where I’m going wrong would be hugely appreciated
You shouldn’t be hopeless, because by the sounds of it, you have your shit together – so don’t let yourself be so hopeless when you have so much going for you.
There are many reasons why it’s so hard to meet people right now, theres Covid, the fact people genuinely have gotten used to being home, and how high people’s standards are. Also, most people are not for you, and you are not for most people. It is very easy to find a man, but you don’t want any man, you want someone thats for you. That’s why its hard because people aren’t interchangeable commodities. There are plenty of fish in the sea but everyone’s looking for a specific kind of rare fish. You feel me?
You just have to not give up. I know it’s easy coming from someone who’s already settled down, but if I look back at it, when I was single- I was rarely at home. I was always out meeting people. And the one thing that wasn’t on my mind: was a relationship. When I was younger, thats all i cared about though was settling down. I just genuinely ended up always being disappointed. And then, when I completely let go, and actually enjoyed being my own woman, is when I started meeting so many more people.
I know that this year was basically the year of the Marriaaaage for a lot of people, but don’t look at it as if you are late to the party. Because the party has just begun