Salam,
I’d like to hear your thoughts on how to find men that are marriage ready and where to find them. It seems like most guys are just immature idiots looking to pass time and don’t mind stringing one along. At least that’s been experience and honestly I’m fed up of dealing with that sort. What would you recommend? Family doesn’t seem to work since they just are go find one yourself. But that’s easier said than done honestly. Why is this so hard? It’s really discouraging.
My dating experience changed for the better when I stopped dating guys my age. It was abysmal how immature, how lacking in maturity guys were at that time. But tbh they were also young themselves so I can’t really blame them. But it was the bare minimum they couldn’t even do.
– Be upfront and honest about their feelings because they didn’t want to seem moist etc
– Lived and died by the words of the mandem
– Telling the mandem every single fucking detail about what is happening in your relationship. Why are you even telling people were talking in the first place??
– Always worried about being finessed? Brother how am I going to finesse someone who jumped barriers today??
Honestly, wallahi IDK how I did it. It was actually Ladan who told me to give up with guys my age and start going for older guys. I detested so hard and she actually told me ‘you’ll learn one day’ LMAO you know what I’ll save this story for the podcast.
But yeah she was absolutely telling the truth.
People who don’t get it just because women are naturally drawn to men who are wealthier and more successful. But that’s not everything.
My own feeling on this topic is that most men my own age are not as mature as me, so I have to date men who are a little bit older if I want a better chance of being on a par with my partner, maturity-wise. Also, the stability helps. And they are not concerned with you finessing them or not. In fact they’re like “here take my money”. And they sure as hell don’t tell their friends about every small detail. They are more polite, more chivalrous, more manly.
It’s just better. So just date people who are at the same life stage as you, if they happen to be older, great.
But the girls that get it, get it. Truly.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi, so my situation is very much crazy and I’ve been in my head about it and going crazy for quite a while.
So I’ve dated this guy for a year and a half and this first half of the relationship was just us having fun together and getting to know each other and at the time he was doing illegal activities but the second half he changed. Quit everything he was doing and starting praying and getting on to his deen. He even got his first job and started working. We took our relationship more serious and I became head over heels in love with him. Couple months later his past bit him in the ass and he had a court case about what he did in the past and is now in prison. He gave me the choice multiple times to leave whilst he was going through all this but I know the guilt would eat me alive about leaving him when he’s down. Everyone is saying I should leave and not put my life on pause for him because he’s looking at a year and maybe 2 months at most. But for me it’s the fact he changed and became a good person and this is somebody I can see myself spending the rest of my life with, we’ve planned it multiple times. All those memories and small moments I had with him down the drain? Everyone is basically telling me to pick myself and leave but I just don’t know. It’s so much easier said than done but I wanted your advice on what you should think I should do
He is telling you to pick yourself because of one or two things.
1) He wants to guilt trip you into staying
2) He knows what he would have done in your situation. And no, probably would not stand by you. So he’s telling you to go
Regardless, he has made his decision. It’s not just about going to prison, that’s only the first part. Your boyfriend will be in an absolutely horrible position when he gets out. Goodbye to the good career, good money, and respect of their peers. Because it will be very hard for him to go up the ladder with a record.
But wallahi, in some cases I have genuinely seen it work out for some people. Especially when they come out with discipline and start businesses etc. Can you see him being someone that will word hard despite his rep? Does he have entrepreneurial qualities and regardless, is he a go-getter? Then in that case, it might be okay.
Anyway, you didn’t go to prison. He did. You are young and deserve a life. You aren’t obligated to serve this sentence with him. Be there for him as a friend, send him letters etc. But don’t stay committed to someone when you could be meeting other people. There is also a real possibility that he could get out and realise you two have grown apart. Or he may even want more, all that time lost, he wants to go out and do his thing again. Don’t let yourself be a crutch when you can’t guarantee the outcome will be good.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi girls, I need help. I’ve been speaking to this boy for a year and a half and we are planning on getting married soon. One day I was out with him and we was chilling in his car and he kept getting notifications on his phone. Out of curiosity I snatched his phone and I saw he had ‘Grindr’ downloaded. We got into a big argument and he said he forgot he even had the app and that his boys downloaded it on his phone as a joke. After a long while of going back and forth he confided that in the past he used to speak to boys in that way. He would also make passing comments about my brothers and say how good looking they were. He even said as a joke ‘if I was a female i’d go for them’ to which he laughed off. But now that I know he used to swing that way I’m not sure if I should marry him because of his sexuality. He has assured me repeatedly that he’s only into females. But I can’t trust him. What shall I do? The wedding is in 2 months I need an answer ASAP.
Even if it was a joke, why is his sense of humour so childish? That’s what I expect little boys to do. He’s weird.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey Lula & Ladan, I’ve recently got to know a guy and have been talking for some time (9 months to be precise). He has introduced me to his family and they are all nice people besides his mum, his mother hates me and anytime she seems him with me calls me names like buuran(fatty), folhum(ugly) and stuff. I’ve told him about it but he just says don’t listen to her she’s not used to me dating dark skinned women for once. I really like this guy but I feel like his mother is racist how do I tell him to cut his mom out
Talk to your partner and figure out how to proceed. Make it clear that her behaviour will deter you from marrying him. Also make it clear that right now, it’s not very hard for you to leave him. You’re not married, so if this behaviour does continue, you will walk away.
I would say though do consider if this is worth dealing with for someone you have only been with for 9 months. But hey that’s just me
The main point is: nothing you do or don’t do will change anything if she’s determined to not like you. So you go ahead and build a life with your partner, and she will stay exiled to the sidelines, right where she put herself. But just know you will probably have to deal with her for the rest of your life, and she most like will trying to interfere in your marriage.
Anon
3 years ago
So I’m a Somali girl who really likes this guy who’s about 8 years older than me
We both really like each other but he’s really quiet and somewhat avoidant (his friends said he’s not very direct with his feelings) but his friends also told me he likes me so much he told them he wants to marry me but is still “figuring things out”
The first time we met we talked for 10 hours and clicked like magic but it was such a spark that we both went quiet a bit after
I’m very extroverted but shy around men.
He’s very introverted and the attention is so magnetic but he’s also shy around the opposite gender. His best friend told me I’ll have to make the first move but I want to maintain xishood. Our friends are planning to invite us both to the same events to help us be around each other without pressure but I would love some insight/advice
I also want a guy who is confident enough to pursue me as I believe a confident man would also stand up for his kids and family.
I don’t know how to feel about this or if I should continue keeping my cool and allow him to pursue, talk to other people and move on or straight up message him
Note he’ll randomly swipe up but then not respond when I respond but when I ignore him, he starts interacting again
Is he playing mind games or is it just dating? Is he worth it? Please help because I don’t know what to do
“The first time we met we talked for 10 hours and clicked like magic but it was such a spark that we both went quiet a bit after”
The problem is, when people get that spark, they don’t act on it. You always have to act on it straight away before it dies out. Initiate seeing each other or something. Because then you’re not doing that good chemistry any justice. You are extroverted, and you should have used this quality to help bring him out of his shell.
I’ll give you a personal example. The very night I met my husband, we instantaneously clicked and I knew I wanted to see him again. Because the chemistry was so good, I didn’t want it to die out waiting for 2 weeks or something to see him again. You know that unwritten rule that you wait 2 weeks after speaking to see someone? Well its bullshit, doesn’t work and just longs it out. So when I got home and we spoke, I said “we need to see eachother again.” He planned the date, and we had the first date the very next day.
Generally, girls think they have to just sit back and wait for a man to make all the moves. Sometimes you have to provide people with opportunities, and also it helps to reaffirm that you’re still interested too.
So when you do see eachother, have the same conversations that helped to build that chemistry. And then just say, we should do something together. And then, you’ll give him the go ahead to think of a date and come back to you.
I genuinely don’t think he’s playing mind games, I just think you’re not giving him the clear go ahead. Be confident and make it clear you like him.
Anon
3 years ago
hey girlies ! i’m a bit stressed out because i think i may have found the love of my life and i do see myself marrying him soon i’A, but we’ve discussed the problems that would come with being an interracial couple … both of our mothers want either of us to marry in our own ethnicity so this makes me nervous. everytime i try to warm my mother up to the idea she always pushes that i marry a man of my ethnicity. what should i do because i really love him and i want to do this the halal way.
First it will take a while for both families getting used to the idea of the new family member being from a different background, but after a while, you guys end up becoming family. They get used it it. My husband has a french brother in law and you’d think he’s Somali the way he’s integrated in the family. And at the beginning, yes it took a while for him to genuinely get used to it and that’s normal. I think the bigger a deal you make it into, is what it’s going to be.
Get married, firm the initial awkwardness and after a year or two years even, both families will learn to accept it and get over it. I think initially its just weird, theres nothing more to it, it’s just not what they’re used to. But I would say, make an effort with both families. Go to eachothers family home, get comfortable. Be in their faces. That is the only way they’ll get used to it
Anon
3 years ago
Hey,
I’ve been in love with a guy since January 2018. Things are so complicated and i think that if he loved me as much as I do we would be together right now ( but only Allah knows the truth ). I prayed so much to get him out of my mind but I don’t know why I just can’t. I’m suffering so much, I literally tried everything to forget him and it’s so frustrating. 😭
The question is not how to get over them, but it’s how to make time pass faster. Distract yourself, do what you like to do and hang out with friends. work more hours at your job, and honestly, if you truly want to get over someone- starting talking to new people. That’s how you really get over someone, because for the time being, they become the new distraction. Its true, if you guys were meant to be together, you’d be together. And right now you’re not, its been nearly 4 years sis. Stop being a passenger waiting around for this to work out and start living.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi sisters
I have been married coming to 4 years. We have children. I’m just not happy in my marriage. We barely have time for each other emotionally/ romantically – if I’m honest we have both checked out from our relationship. We argue all the time and it gets so toxic that we actually fight. Nothing crazy but it’s abusive on either end. Constant pettiness and shouting around the children. We really try to control ourselves, but he triggers me so much. I can’t handle it sometimes and I explode. I feel as though, I have so much pressure on me because he doesn’t take his duties as a husband and father seriously. An apology simple means nothing. He’s not forward thinking when it comes to doing things around the house, cooking/ cleaning etc. He provides financially but expects me to pay for majority of the bills because I earn more. I’ve recently implemented a new rule that we either go 50:50 or one person uses their pay check for bills/household needs and other person saves into a joint account. He’s so tight handed when it comes to money and makes me feel like I’m the issue when I’m not. The past few years I’ve had kids and Alhamdulilah been promoted in my career. This man has been in the same job all his life. He’s got no ambition to move up to find other roles – if the conversation comes up in terms of long term goals he literally dismisses the convo. His attitude to money has pushed me to continue to work full time whilst having young kids. It’s a struggle. He expects me to work full time- come home cook and clean – look after kids. But when I ask him to do basic things like wake up a few mornings for the kids – it turns into an argument. He also has a crazy addiction to weed and smokes nearly everyday. I’ve been asking him to quit for the last few years, but he makes a promise and breaks it. He’s also super secretive when it comes to his phone. He’s previously been caught talking to other women via messages whilst I was pregnant. I mentally forced myself to move past the situation as i had a newborn, but I never forgot. My point is, I know I’m not happy and I know I deserve more. But my children are so young and I’m worried what life will be like raising children without a father in the home. I grew up without a father and I was missing such a big connection. I can’t change him and I don’t want to waste my years with someone I know won’t change. What do I do? Please advise me.
Hi sis, I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you’ve kept strong for your children. Marriages have their ups and downs. In your case, the two of you have gone through a lot as a couple. You’ve had children together and it may be that you’ve been distant from each other due to the change in your circumstances.
Let’s begin with the shouting and arguing in front of the children. This is unhealthy for everyone in the family. Young children do not need to see their parents fighting. If he has triggered you go to another room in the house alone to calm yourself down. When you feel calm go and speak to him about the situation or wait till the children aren’t there to have a conversation.
A lot of arguing and fighting can cause resentment between people so try and change your approach to dealing with an issue. When you’re upset about something change the way you address it. So instead of blaming him for not doing this or that express how you’re feeling. So you could start by saying “I feel sad. I miss us. I’m afraid. I’m lonely. I feel angry when I am left doing all the housework alone. I feel unimportant. I feel unappreciated.” These are all ways of expressing unhappiness without assigning blame.
Be clear about your needs — without blaming or demanding. Express the seriousness of the issues and the potential consequences if those needs aren’t met. So if it’s important for you to have a few mornings to sleep in express it to him. You could say “this is important to me because….I need to feel valued….I need to have some time for my hobbies….” You will set the tone for communication by how you express your needs…and then ask for your partner’s needs.
Another thing I’d strongly advise is seeking help from your family or friends. Ask them to watch the children when you need your alone time. It’s clear that he isn’t doing much to support you or give you some sort of a break so if you have your family close by lean on them as much as possible. Leave the children there for a few hours and do what makes you happy. It’s time to put yourself first. I know how difficult life gets when you work full time and have dependents. At times you need a break from it all. You need the time to relax so please try to do something for yourself once a week if you can.
Finally, like you said you cannot change this man so don’t. Have a serious conversation with him where you don’t get angry. Tell him how serious it is for you to have his contribution to the family. And give him that ultimatum, if changes do not occur don’t be afraid to walk away. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage. What good are you doing for your children if you’re unhappy? Trust me you can do so much more if you were to be happy without him. If he loves his children he will still try to make an effort with them once you leave him so don’t stay with him just for the children. Your happiness always comes first.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi, my loves. Thank you for this platform! So I’m trying to get married and a) it’s proving to me VERY difficult and draining me and b) I’m constantly being rejected by aunties/grooms because I don’t wear hijab. I feel like Bengali families are obsessed with a woman wearing the hijab (even if their son isn’t particularly practising). I know for a fact this is one of the reasons why I’m being rejected a lot bc it’s being directly fed back (ofc, there are other reasons). I can’t force myself to wear it; it’s not that I don’t think about wearing it, honestly. I am practising but I’m not seen that way because I don’t wear it. I’m losing hope here. Why doesn’t anyone look at what’s inside? I am seriously losing hope with this potential finding process. 🙁
So stop going through the family in order to meet people. When something doesn’t work, try something different, and then something else after that. You’re acting as if this is the only way to meet people. That’s not the case girl, you can meet people ANYWHERE, and in fact its easily for you than the average hijabi. I just think some areas are harder for other people, and easier for others. I’m like you, don’t wear a hijab, and I’m pretty sure most somali mums would think I’m not conventional and probably not good enough for their sons. Well guess what, I don’t need your approval to meet people anyways.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis
Can I just say I acc love u omg ur advice is so sincere and honest and practical mashalsh . So I’m engaged to this guy but I’m low-key bored of him and see some red flags. I just feel like I’m always pushing him and hes not listening it’s exhausting and I’m trying to better myself and omgg can’t believe I’m saying this I feel voiceless with him he turns me off like. I’m also a middle child so used to playing passive ans keeping the peace coz I just hate buuq and qaylo my wedding is legit next month advice xxxxx
The wedding is planned okay, in fact it’s next month. All the guests have been made aware. You’ve sorted out living arrangements, and maybe you have even mentally prepared yourself to move. Your families are excited. You don’t want to disappoint anyone, but you feel like you have to marry him.
Are you sure you don’t love this guy anymore? If you are sure, and you still decide to marry him. You will have lots of more I have tos:
Firstly, every single day you will have to kiss a guy that you no longer love or are even attracted to. You will be forcing yourself to have an intimate relationship with him so he doesn’t notice.At certain point, you will have to decide to have children or not with someone you don’t love. You will realise, this is a waste of your time, and now you will have to go through a divorce and deal with the stigma of being a divorcee.
And so on…
If you don’t truly want him, why are you wasting your time? Who are you doing it for? For people to see that you’re married? Honestly reevaluate why it is you want to get married in the first place.
Salam,
I’d like to hear your thoughts on how to find men that are marriage ready and where to find them. It seems like most guys are just immature idiots looking to pass time and don’t mind stringing one along. At least that’s been experience and honestly I’m fed up of dealing with that sort. What would you recommend? Family doesn’t seem to work since they just are go find one yourself. But that’s easier said than done honestly. Why is this so hard? It’s really discouraging.
My dating experience changed for the better when I stopped dating guys my age. It was abysmal how immature, how lacking in maturity guys were at that time. But tbh they were also young themselves so I can’t really blame them. But it was the bare minimum they couldn’t even do.
– Be upfront and honest about their feelings because they didn’t want to seem moist etc
– Lived and died by the words of the mandem
– Telling the mandem every single fucking detail about what is happening in your relationship. Why are you even telling people were talking in the first place??
– Always worried about being finessed? Brother how am I going to finesse someone who jumped barriers today??
Honestly, wallahi IDK how I did it. It was actually Ladan who told me to give up with guys my age and start going for older guys. I detested so hard and she actually told me ‘you’ll learn one day’ LMAO you know what I’ll save this story for the podcast.
But yeah she was absolutely telling the truth.
People who don’t get it just because women are naturally drawn to men who are wealthier and more successful. But that’s not everything.
My own feeling on this topic is that most men my own age are not as mature as me, so I have to date men who are a little bit older if I want a better chance of being on a par with my partner, maturity-wise. Also, the stability helps. And they are not concerned with you finessing them or not. In fact they’re like “here take my money”. And they sure as hell don’t tell their friends about every small detail. They are more polite, more chivalrous, more manly.
It’s just better. So just date people who are at the same life stage as you, if they happen to be older, great.
But the girls that get it, get it. Truly.
Hi, so my situation is very much crazy and I’ve been in my head about it and going crazy for quite a while.
So I’ve dated this guy for a year and a half and this first half of the relationship was just us having fun together and getting to know each other and at the time he was doing illegal activities but the second half he changed. Quit everything he was doing and starting praying and getting on to his deen. He even got his first job and started working. We took our relationship more serious and I became head over heels in love with him. Couple months later his past bit him in the ass and he had a court case about what he did in the past and is now in prison. He gave me the choice multiple times to leave whilst he was going through all this but I know the guilt would eat me alive about leaving him when he’s down. Everyone is saying I should leave and not put my life on pause for him because he’s looking at a year and maybe 2 months at most. But for me it’s the fact he changed and became a good person and this is somebody I can see myself spending the rest of my life with, we’ve planned it multiple times. All those memories and small moments I had with him down the drain? Everyone is basically telling me to pick myself and leave but I just don’t know. It’s so much easier said than done but I wanted your advice on what you should think I should do
He is telling you to pick yourself because of one or two things.
1) He wants to guilt trip you into staying
2) He knows what he would have done in your situation. And no, probably would not stand by you. So he’s telling you to go
Regardless, he has made his decision. It’s not just about going to prison, that’s only the first part. Your boyfriend will be in an absolutely horrible position when he gets out. Goodbye to the good career, good money, and respect of their peers. Because it will be very hard for him to go up the ladder with a record.
But wallahi, in some cases I have genuinely seen it work out for some people. Especially when they come out with discipline and start businesses etc. Can you see him being someone that will word hard despite his rep? Does he have entrepreneurial qualities and regardless, is he a go-getter? Then in that case, it might be okay.
Anyway, you didn’t go to prison. He did. You are young and deserve a life. You aren’t obligated to serve this sentence with him. Be there for him as a friend, send him letters etc. But don’t stay committed to someone when you could be meeting other people. There is also a real possibility that he could get out and realise you two have grown apart. Or he may even want more, all that time lost, he wants to go out and do his thing again. Don’t let yourself be a crutch when you can’t guarantee the outcome will be good.
Hi girls, I need help. I’ve been speaking to this boy for a year and a half and we are planning on getting married soon. One day I was out with him and we was chilling in his car and he kept getting notifications on his phone. Out of curiosity I snatched his phone and I saw he had ‘Grindr’ downloaded. We got into a big argument and he said he forgot he even had the app and that his boys downloaded it on his phone as a joke. After a long while of going back and forth he confided that in the past he used to speak to boys in that way. He would also make passing comments about my brothers and say how good looking they were. He even said as a joke ‘if I was a female i’d go for them’ to which he laughed off. But now that I know he used to swing that way I’m not sure if I should marry him because of his sexuality. He has assured me repeatedly that he’s only into females. But I can’t trust him. What shall I do? The wedding is in 2 months I need an answer ASAP.
Do not get married to this man.
Even if it was a joke, why is his sense of humour so childish? That’s what I expect little boys to do. He’s weird.
Hey Lula & Ladan, I’ve recently got to know a guy and have been talking for some time (9 months to be precise). He has introduced me to his family and they are all nice people besides his mum, his mother hates me and anytime she seems him with me calls me names like buuran(fatty), folhum(ugly) and stuff. I’ve told him about it but he just says don’t listen to her she’s not used to me dating dark skinned women for once. I really like this guy but I feel like his mother is racist how do I tell him to cut his mom out
Talk to your partner and figure out how to proceed. Make it clear that her behaviour will deter you from marrying him. Also make it clear that right now, it’s not very hard for you to leave him. You’re not married, so if this behaviour does continue, you will walk away.
I would say though do consider if this is worth dealing with for someone you have only been with for 9 months. But hey that’s just me
The main point is: nothing you do or don’t do will change anything if she’s determined to not like you. So you go ahead and build a life with your partner, and she will stay exiled to the sidelines, right where she put herself. But just know you will probably have to deal with her for the rest of your life, and she most like will trying to interfere in your marriage.
So I’m a Somali girl who really likes this guy who’s about 8 years older than me
We both really like each other but he’s really quiet and somewhat avoidant (his friends said he’s not very direct with his feelings) but his friends also told me he likes me so much he told them he wants to marry me but is still “figuring things out”
The first time we met we talked for 10 hours and clicked like magic but it was such a spark that we both went quiet a bit after
I’m very extroverted but shy around men.
He’s very introverted and the attention is so magnetic but he’s also shy around the opposite gender. His best friend told me I’ll have to make the first move but I want to maintain xishood. Our friends are planning to invite us both to the same events to help us be around each other without pressure but I would love some insight/advice
I also want a guy who is confident enough to pursue me as I believe a confident man would also stand up for his kids and family.
I don’t know how to feel about this or if I should continue keeping my cool and allow him to pursue, talk to other people and move on or straight up message him
Note he’ll randomly swipe up but then not respond when I respond but when I ignore him, he starts interacting again
Is he playing mind games or is it just dating? Is he worth it? Please help because I don’t know what to do
“The first time we met we talked for 10 hours and clicked like magic but it was such a spark that we both went quiet a bit after”
The problem is, when people get that spark, they don’t act on it. You always have to act on it straight away before it dies out. Initiate seeing each other or something. Because then you’re not doing that good chemistry any justice. You are extroverted, and you should have used this quality to help bring him out of his shell.
I’ll give you a personal example. The very night I met my husband, we instantaneously clicked and I knew I wanted to see him again. Because the chemistry was so good, I didn’t want it to die out waiting for 2 weeks or something to see him again. You know that unwritten rule that you wait 2 weeks after speaking to see someone? Well its bullshit, doesn’t work and just longs it out. So when I got home and we spoke, I said “we need to see eachother again.” He planned the date, and we had the first date the very next day.
Generally, girls think they have to just sit back and wait for a man to make all the moves. Sometimes you have to provide people with opportunities, and also it helps to reaffirm that you’re still interested too.
So when you do see eachother, have the same conversations that helped to build that chemistry. And then just say, we should do something together. And then, you’ll give him the go ahead to think of a date and come back to you.
I genuinely don’t think he’s playing mind games, I just think you’re not giving him the clear go ahead. Be confident and make it clear you like him.
hey girlies ! i’m a bit stressed out because i think i may have found the love of my life and i do see myself marrying him soon i’A, but we’ve discussed the problems that would come with being an interracial couple … both of our mothers want either of us to marry in our own ethnicity so this makes me nervous. everytime i try to warm my mother up to the idea she always pushes that i marry a man of my ethnicity. what should i do because i really love him and i want to do this the halal way.
First it will take a while for both families getting used to the idea of the new family member being from a different background, but after a while, you guys end up becoming family. They get used it it. My husband has a french brother in law and you’d think he’s Somali the way he’s integrated in the family. And at the beginning, yes it took a while for him to genuinely get used to it and that’s normal. I think the bigger a deal you make it into, is what it’s going to be.
Get married, firm the initial awkwardness and after a year or two years even, both families will learn to accept it and get over it. I think initially its just weird, theres nothing more to it, it’s just not what they’re used to. But I would say, make an effort with both families. Go to eachothers family home, get comfortable. Be in their faces. That is the only way they’ll get used to it
Hey,
I’ve been in love with a guy since January 2018. Things are so complicated and i think that if he loved me as much as I do we would be together right now ( but only Allah knows the truth ). I prayed so much to get him out of my mind but I don’t know why I just can’t. I’m suffering so much, I literally tried everything to forget him and it’s so frustrating. 😭
The question is not how to get over them, but it’s how to make time pass faster. Distract yourself, do what you like to do and hang out with friends. work more hours at your job, and honestly, if you truly want to get over someone- starting talking to new people. That’s how you really get over someone, because for the time being, they become the new distraction. Its true, if you guys were meant to be together, you’d be together. And right now you’re not, its been nearly 4 years sis. Stop being a passenger waiting around for this to work out and start living.
Hi sisters
I have been married coming to 4 years. We have children. I’m just not happy in my marriage. We barely have time for each other emotionally/ romantically – if I’m honest we have both checked out from our relationship. We argue all the time and it gets so toxic that we actually fight. Nothing crazy but it’s abusive on either end. Constant pettiness and shouting around the children. We really try to control ourselves, but he triggers me so much. I can’t handle it sometimes and I explode. I feel as though, I have so much pressure on me because he doesn’t take his duties as a husband and father seriously. An apology simple means nothing. He’s not forward thinking when it comes to doing things around the house, cooking/ cleaning etc. He provides financially but expects me to pay for majority of the bills because I earn more. I’ve recently implemented a new rule that we either go 50:50 or one person uses their pay check for bills/household needs and other person saves into a joint account. He’s so tight handed when it comes to money and makes me feel like I’m the issue when I’m not. The past few years I’ve had kids and Alhamdulilah been promoted in my career. This man has been in the same job all his life. He’s got no ambition to move up to find other roles – if the conversation comes up in terms of long term goals he literally dismisses the convo. His attitude to money has pushed me to continue to work full time whilst having young kids. It’s a struggle. He expects me to work full time- come home cook and clean – look after kids. But when I ask him to do basic things like wake up a few mornings for the kids – it turns into an argument. He also has a crazy addiction to weed and smokes nearly everyday. I’ve been asking him to quit for the last few years, but he makes a promise and breaks it. He’s also super secretive when it comes to his phone. He’s previously been caught talking to other women via messages whilst I was pregnant. I mentally forced myself to move past the situation as i had a newborn, but I never forgot. My point is, I know I’m not happy and I know I deserve more. But my children are so young and I’m worried what life will be like raising children without a father in the home. I grew up without a father and I was missing such a big connection. I can’t change him and I don’t want to waste my years with someone I know won’t change. What do I do? Please advise me.
Hi sis, I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you’ve kept strong for your children. Marriages have their ups and downs. In your case, the two of you have gone through a lot as a couple. You’ve had children together and it may be that you’ve been distant from each other due to the change in your circumstances.
Let’s begin with the shouting and arguing in front of the children. This is unhealthy for everyone in the family. Young children do not need to see their parents fighting. If he has triggered you go to another room in the house alone to calm yourself down. When you feel calm go and speak to him about the situation or wait till the children aren’t there to have a conversation.
A lot of arguing and fighting can cause resentment between people so try and change your approach to dealing with an issue. When you’re upset about something change the way you address it. So instead of blaming him for not doing this or that express how you’re feeling. So you could start by saying “I feel sad. I miss us. I’m afraid. I’m lonely. I feel angry when I am left doing all the housework alone. I feel unimportant. I feel unappreciated.” These are all ways of expressing unhappiness without assigning blame.
Be clear about your needs — without blaming or demanding. Express the seriousness of the issues and the potential consequences if those needs aren’t met. So if it’s important for you to have a few mornings to sleep in express it to him. You could say “this is important to me because….I need to feel valued….I need to have some time for my hobbies….” You will set the tone for communication by how you express your needs…and then ask for your partner’s needs.
Another thing I’d strongly advise is seeking help from your family or friends. Ask them to watch the children when you need your alone time. It’s clear that he isn’t doing much to support you or give you some sort of a break so if you have your family close by lean on them as much as possible. Leave the children there for a few hours and do what makes you happy. It’s time to put yourself first. I know how difficult life gets when you work full time and have dependents. At times you need a break from it all. You need the time to relax so please try to do something for yourself once a week if you can.
Finally, like you said you cannot change this man so don’t. Have a serious conversation with him where you don’t get angry. Tell him how serious it is for you to have his contribution to the family. And give him that ultimatum, if changes do not occur don’t be afraid to walk away. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage. What good are you doing for your children if you’re unhappy? Trust me you can do so much more if you were to be happy without him. If he loves his children he will still try to make an effort with them once you leave him so don’t stay with him just for the children. Your happiness always comes first.
Hi, my loves. Thank you for this platform! So I’m trying to get married and a) it’s proving to me VERY difficult and draining me and b) I’m constantly being rejected by aunties/grooms because I don’t wear hijab. I feel like Bengali families are obsessed with a woman wearing the hijab (even if their son isn’t particularly practising). I know for a fact this is one of the reasons why I’m being rejected a lot bc it’s being directly fed back (ofc, there are other reasons). I can’t force myself to wear it; it’s not that I don’t think about wearing it, honestly. I am practising but I’m not seen that way because I don’t wear it. I’m losing hope here. Why doesn’t anyone look at what’s inside? I am seriously losing hope with this potential finding process. 🙁
So stop going through the family in order to meet people. When something doesn’t work, try something different, and then something else after that. You’re acting as if this is the only way to meet people. That’s not the case girl, you can meet people ANYWHERE, and in fact its easily for you than the average hijabi. I just think some areas are harder for other people, and easier for others. I’m like you, don’t wear a hijab, and I’m pretty sure most somali mums would think I’m not conventional and probably not good enough for their sons. Well guess what, I don’t need your approval to meet people anyways.
Hey sis
Can I just say I acc love u omg ur advice is so sincere and honest and practical mashalsh . So I’m engaged to this guy but I’m low-key bored of him and see some red flags. I just feel like I’m always pushing him and hes not listening it’s exhausting and I’m trying to better myself and omgg can’t believe I’m saying this I feel voiceless with him he turns me off like. I’m also a middle child so used to playing passive ans keeping the peace coz I just hate buuq and qaylo my wedding is legit next month advice xxxxx
The wedding is planned okay, in fact it’s next month. All the guests have been made aware. You’ve sorted out living arrangements, and maybe you have even mentally prepared yourself to move. Your families are excited. You don’t want to disappoint anyone, but you feel like you have to marry him.
Are you sure you don’t love this guy anymore? If you are sure, and you still decide to marry him. You will have lots of more I have tos:
Firstly, every single day you will have to kiss a guy that you no longer love or are even attracted to. You will be forcing yourself to have an intimate relationship with him so he doesn’t notice.At certain point, you will have to decide to have children or not with someone you don’t love. You will realise, this is a waste of your time, and now you will have to go through a divorce and deal with the stigma of being a divorcee.
And so on…
If you don’t truly want him, why are you wasting your time? Who are you doing it for? For people to see that you’re married? Honestly reevaluate why it is you want to get married in the first place.