I’m so curious about the whole marriage process how does it usually go for somalis, when does the family ask for the hand and who furnishes the house, like does the man get everything ready but what if he does a rubbish job with the colour palette etc?? Who plans the wedding is it the bride or the grooms side who choose the hall etc??
Typically, theres a ‘so doonis’ if that’s how you spell it, basically the groom and his dad asks for your hand. It doesn’t have to be so formal, in my case it was literally my husband, his dad, his uncle + my dad and a mutual friend everyone shared, just going to dinner. I actually think they went to Savannah LMAO. And that was done a year before we got married, and then 6 months before the wedding, they met again. And then a month before the wedding was kind of like the formal one where another meeting was done in the house this time exchanging gifts etc.
Culturally I know the groom’s family usually gets the marital home ready, but you can give your input. Most times, women are pretty much just listing what they want. My husband didn’t even come with me to view the house, my friend did, he just said pick one and that’s it. Furnishing he didn’t even care. You know what, come to think of it, I don’t think this man had any say in anything I did regarding the house LMAO. He would have been happy with anything.
In terms of the hall, the groom’s family give the money to the bride’s family and they are the one who book the hall. So it gives the bride’s family to do what she wants. But I know now its more common for the bride’s family to contribute towards the wedding, especially if they want a big event.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi. I’m married but feel as-though I rushed into it. My doonis and actual marriage was 3 weeks apart. Also during the talking stage he never really made much effort to see me. One time we were communicating on social media and he disappeared for a full week then just came back like nothing happened. I just overlooked it at the time but it’s almost as if that behaviour is manifesting into the relationship now too. We have a dead bedroom pretty much because he doesn’t initiate as much and behaves awkwardly when it comes to intimacy. Compliments from his end always seem half hearted.
Omg wow I thought so doonis was like months before, sometimes even a year before (for families who live in western societies). That was really rushed!
Marriage is definitely one of those things you don’t do on a whim and I feel like in this case you have. Again, what he should you was just a preview of what he’s really like and now you’re getting to see the real deal for yourself.
You can’t just leave, I mean well you can, but marriage is more than that: it’s a commitment on both sides. You need to communicate with him properly. Say that you want to become closer, and that you’re going to work towards it. Do activities together that will help you bond. Me and my Husband have games night every week, and it helps us to reconnect after one of us have had a long week and especially when we need to unwind mentally from work. Do something that doesn’t include phones or gadgets, and focuses on just you two connecting.
Regarding intimacy, literally start treating each other as if you’re dating. Find the chemistry and bring it back. Put in energy and be excited about being intimate with your partner. Spouses definitely sense when the energy is lacking and or not being reciprocated and might not want to initiate. Perhaps he can sense you are not happy with him. Not saying it is your fault, not at all. But when there is an elephant in the room, it has to be addressed.
Address what the issue is and try to work on reconnecting again.
Anon
3 years ago
HI sis, not a question but just wanted to give people some positive outlook on marriage. I’ve been married for 6 years and have 2 kids. My marriage sounds quite similar to yours, my husband is my “home” in a weird way. He’s my comfort zone. Everyday is enjoyable with him, I’m in love with him more and more everyday like. After all the worldly problems and work and hard day being a mum, all I need to do is see his face and everything just clicks and makes sense.
I got married to him at 21 and I feel like i dived into it after 1 year of dating without really getting to know him but it worked out perfectly for me because I prayed a lot of istakhara.
When I tell you we rarely fight, I mean it. Our home life is a bliss and I hope people realise they don’t have to live in misery or compromise on their standard.
From a young age of 21 I always made sure my standards never changed. I knew what I wanted and what I DID NOT want. It’s key to know who you are and men will respect u then.
Allahumabarik, I really love stories like this and I think its so important for girls to share their good stories without worrying about evil eye etc. Its good to show people that you can be truly happy. May Allah swt continue to preserve your union.
Anon
3 years ago
How do you feel like is appropriate to express feelings in a relationship leading up to marriage? I don’t want to channel any masculine energy, but I also don’t know how to be as feminine as I can and show appreciation if that makes sense. Gifts? Paragraphs of love? I feel like men don’t deserve it 💀
First of all, saying men don’t deserve it is the wrong attitude to have. Same way as you want your man to spoil, love and care for you, is the same way you should be showing appreciation and reciprocating.
Now as from an appropriate ways to express your feelings:
Be genuine, be the most natural but at the same time pay attention so that you can come up with something that aligns with his love language is. Majority of the time, men are simple creatures (according to my husband) and don’t require much to be happy. Bringing them food, and definitely words of encouragement are the best.
Regarding avoiding unlady-like energy. Let him lead conversations, be also mindful of how you come across. Avoid yelling or shouting when you feel like he’s not listening to you.
Anon
3 years ago
Ok I’m gonna be blunt: I think the men I’m attracted to aren’t attracted to me. I’m pretty but more in the way that girls think I’m pretty 🥲 the guys who do find me pretty think I’m hot but I don’t want em 😭 help 😭😭😭
I see mismatched couples all the time… but the thing is, just because I can’t see what someone sees in their partner, it doesn’t mean they don’t see it. The idea of saying everyone should date in their ‘leagues’ isn’t even viable because its just not how real people work.
However, I would say you need to be realistic. Don’t fantasise the guys that have the same type of girls in mind. The instagram, small waist, big bum gyal. Because even if you do have those things, there will still always be something missing for them.
Anon
3 years ago
I have been with my bf for a few yrs and we’re planning on getting married next year. He’s literally the best man I’ve ever met and we’re both in love. I’ve never slept with my him or anything yet but I’ve seen his *ahem* manhood once and it was SO tiny. Like extremely small ! Am I wrong to want to end the relationship because of this tiny issue (pardon the pun) ? I’m genuinely stuck because I do really love him but I fear that by continuing the relationship with him I’m risking an unfulfilled or unhappy marriage in the near future. Am I over reacting?
Penis size does not remotely factor into how good of a husband he is going to be you, but I can understand why it is a concern for you. Also don’t feel guilting about worrying whether he can pleasure you because as much as it’s a taboo and there’s a shame in wanting it. It’s an unfair generalisation and everybody deserves to be physically satisfied.
With that being sad, you know you are not happy with how it looks, this won’t change when you get married. In fact it’ll get worse because then you’ll be having intercourse.
Honestly you have to be really sensitive with how you deal with this. Because if you tell him, Wallahi you will leave him with a long lasting insecurity and you will absolutely destroy his confidence.
Be mature and decide whether this is something you can overlook or not. Either way it’s understandable Wallahi
Anon
3 years ago
When you say give only 20% of yourself to a guy when your first dating does that mean being less available or not talking about your self too much
As in don’t give All of you when you start dating someone. Save something for yourself. Have your own life outside of dating, your own hobbies etc. Don’t allow your whole life to revolve around men basically.
Talk to them and give them to same energy. Don’t play mind games or tricks, just have your own identity.
Anon
3 years ago
Any tips of passing your driving license both theory and practical and getting your first car xx
Do your theory test first. Download the app on your iPhone or iPad and spend 30 minutes every night before bed doing practice tests. The repetition method is the best method to memorise something. That’s what I’ve used for all my exams and it has worked best for me. You basically repeat the same information over the course of days/weeks until it is instilled in your memory.
When you pass inshallah, do your lessons and I would say do automatic. There’s no real reason to ever need a manual. And it’s quicker to get your license.
If you can get yourself a little dinger so you can learn how to drive. My husband got me a little polo that I could scratch up whilst I was still learning 😭 never get a nice car for your first car, because you will scratch it. You’ll get used to driving though now I can pretty much drive any car
Anon
3 years ago
Any tips of letting go of financial burdens from your family , like growing up we didn’t have a lot of money but alhamdilah always , however seeing my parents hold on to every penny and constantly worrying about money and saving up has given me serious anxiety about spending anything with out feeling guilty like instead of buying nice things for myself I’m saving but what I’m saving for I’m literally 19 but generally sacred to touch money unless I can’t live with out it
Me and my husband spoke about this the other day. Saving is our biggest priority for our future kids because we don’t want them to grow up like we did. We want to give them the best future ever. But we made a promise that regardless, we are still going to enjoy our own lives and ultimately do what we want too.
But you know what, I realised living in fear isn’t going to help you make good decisions with your money, or in general. So don’t let it stop you from enjoying your life.
If it helps, make a separate bank account that is only for SPENDING. Your fuck off bank account. You can put a portion of your pay check in it, and a portion of the rest in your savings. So regardless you can be comfortable spending money.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey , so I’m getting married in a couple of months and a few months ago my friendship group has a huge fall out which I wasn’t involved in but it just caused a huge divide and it was just a mess, the girl I was the closest and me unfortunately fell out but know that I’m getting married everyone except her are all trying to crawl back into my life as I’ve basically distance myself from them and I’ve made the decision not to have braidsmaid when I spoke to a few of them about it REALLY upset about it but I just want to have a really calm happpy day with no stress or drama I honestly wasn’t going to even invite them because the other girls don’t speak to eachother and I cannot risk a problems at my wedding , I’m totally okay with no bridesmaid but I’m just scared that this will cause a bigger problem as I want maintain some of the friendships but I have to addres some of the problems before we can have that conversation but I’d rather leave that till after my wedding, I really don’t want them to ruin my special day but they are all bad vibes at the moment but I’m so scared of their evil eye if I don’t invite them.
No one is going to ruin your special day, and no friend would give you evil eye. Unless there are reasons to suggest otherwise, then I’d be more inclined to say don’t invite them, but there hasn’t been any good enough reasons.
You need to start looking within and question yourself. I understand being a bride is very stressful, but are you sure you’re not just being a diva? A lot of bridezilla’s are genuinely nice people but stress really does manifest in unfortunate ways sometimes. It’s making you look at your friends like they are going to give you evil eye? Who even says that? Slow down.
The fact they are trying to make up with you before your big day should show you how much they love you to not let a little fight get in between being there for you. Also, who would even start a fight at a wedding honestly? I am more inclined to think you have gone mad with power and are finding any reason to justify it. I know there are a lot of girls who just can’t wait to be a bride so they can have that one day move MAD like their shit don’t stink. Don’t be that girl PLEASE.
Remember your wedding is just one day, and then the next day, everyone is going to forget about you. They’ll be and even bigger and better wedding the next day and you’ll be old news. But your friends will remember how much you excluded them from your wedding and will never forgive you or forget it.
Whilst it is never nice to have a problem in the friendship group, you would be surprised at how well behaved people will be during a wedding (Trust me I know). And whilst I can’t account for randoms, this is especially the case for people who want to be in your life. Enjoy your wedding, have your nearest and dearest there, and everything will go smoothly. Think positively. Congratulations and May Allah swt bless your marriage!
Hey,
I’m so curious about the whole marriage process how does it usually go for somalis, when does the family ask for the hand and who furnishes the house, like does the man get everything ready but what if he does a rubbish job with the colour palette etc?? Who plans the wedding is it the bride or the grooms side who choose the hall etc??
Typically, theres a ‘so doonis’ if that’s how you spell it, basically the groom and his dad asks for your hand. It doesn’t have to be so formal, in my case it was literally my husband, his dad, his uncle + my dad and a mutual friend everyone shared, just going to dinner. I actually think they went to Savannah LMAO. And that was done a year before we got married, and then 6 months before the wedding, they met again. And then a month before the wedding was kind of like the formal one where another meeting was done in the house this time exchanging gifts etc.
Culturally I know the groom’s family usually gets the marital home ready, but you can give your input. Most times, women are pretty much just listing what they want. My husband didn’t even come with me to view the house, my friend did, he just said pick one and that’s it. Furnishing he didn’t even care. You know what, come to think of it, I don’t think this man had any say in anything I did regarding the house LMAO. He would have been happy with anything.
In terms of the hall, the groom’s family give the money to the bride’s family and they are the one who book the hall. So it gives the bride’s family to do what she wants. But I know now its more common for the bride’s family to contribute towards the wedding, especially if they want a big event.
Hi. I’m married but feel as-though I rushed into it. My doonis and actual marriage was 3 weeks apart. Also during the talking stage he never really made much effort to see me. One time we were communicating on social media and he disappeared for a full week then just came back like nothing happened. I just overlooked it at the time but it’s almost as if that behaviour is manifesting into the relationship now too. We have a dead bedroom pretty much because he doesn’t initiate as much and behaves awkwardly when it comes to intimacy. Compliments from his end always seem half hearted.
Omg wow I thought so doonis was like months before, sometimes even a year before (for families who live in western societies). That was really rushed!
Marriage is definitely one of those things you don’t do on a whim and I feel like in this case you have. Again, what he should you was just a preview of what he’s really like and now you’re getting to see the real deal for yourself.
You can’t just leave, I mean well you can, but marriage is more than that: it’s a commitment on both sides. You need to communicate with him properly. Say that you want to become closer, and that you’re going to work towards it. Do activities together that will help you bond. Me and my Husband have games night every week, and it helps us to reconnect after one of us have had a long week and especially when we need to unwind mentally from work. Do something that doesn’t include phones or gadgets, and focuses on just you two connecting.
Regarding intimacy, literally start treating each other as if you’re dating. Find the chemistry and bring it back. Put in energy and be excited about being intimate with your partner. Spouses definitely sense when the energy is lacking and or not being reciprocated and might not want to initiate. Perhaps he can sense you are not happy with him. Not saying it is your fault, not at all. But when there is an elephant in the room, it has to be addressed.
Address what the issue is and try to work on reconnecting again.
HI sis, not a question but just wanted to give people some positive outlook on marriage. I’ve been married for 6 years and have 2 kids. My marriage sounds quite similar to yours, my husband is my “home” in a weird way. He’s my comfort zone. Everyday is enjoyable with him, I’m in love with him more and more everyday like. After all the worldly problems and work and hard day being a mum, all I need to do is see his face and everything just clicks and makes sense.
I got married to him at 21 and I feel like i dived into it after 1 year of dating without really getting to know him but it worked out perfectly for me because I prayed a lot of istakhara.
When I tell you we rarely fight, I mean it. Our home life is a bliss and I hope people realise they don’t have to live in misery or compromise on their standard.
From a young age of 21 I always made sure my standards never changed. I knew what I wanted and what I DID NOT want. It’s key to know who you are and men will respect u then.
Allahumabarik, I really love stories like this and I think its so important for girls to share their good stories without worrying about evil eye etc. Its good to show people that you can be truly happy. May Allah swt continue to preserve your union.
How do you feel like is appropriate to express feelings in a relationship leading up to marriage? I don’t want to channel any masculine energy, but I also don’t know how to be as feminine as I can and show appreciation if that makes sense. Gifts? Paragraphs of love? I feel like men don’t deserve it 💀
First of all, saying men don’t deserve it is the wrong attitude to have. Same way as you want your man to spoil, love and care for you, is the same way you should be showing appreciation and reciprocating.
Now as from an appropriate ways to express your feelings:
Be genuine, be the most natural but at the same time pay attention so that you can come up with something that aligns with his love language is. Majority of the time, men are simple creatures (according to my husband) and don’t require much to be happy. Bringing them food, and definitely words of encouragement are the best.
Regarding avoiding unlady-like energy. Let him lead conversations, be also mindful of how you come across. Avoid yelling or shouting when you feel like he’s not listening to you.
Ok I’m gonna be blunt: I think the men I’m attracted to aren’t attracted to me. I’m pretty but more in the way that girls think I’m pretty 🥲 the guys who do find me pretty think I’m hot but I don’t want em 😭 help 😭😭😭
I see mismatched couples all the time… but the thing is, just because I can’t see what someone sees in their partner, it doesn’t mean they don’t see it. The idea of saying everyone should date in their ‘leagues’ isn’t even viable because its just not how real people work.
However, I would say you need to be realistic. Don’t fantasise the guys that have the same type of girls in mind. The instagram, small waist, big bum gyal. Because even if you do have those things, there will still always be something missing for them.
I have been with my bf for a few yrs and we’re planning on getting married next year. He’s literally the best man I’ve ever met and we’re both in love. I’ve never slept with my him or anything yet but I’ve seen his *ahem* manhood once and it was SO tiny. Like extremely small ! Am I wrong to want to end the relationship because of this tiny issue (pardon the pun) ? I’m genuinely stuck because I do really love him but I fear that by continuing the relationship with him I’m risking an unfulfilled or unhappy marriage in the near future. Am I over reacting?
Penis size does not remotely factor into how good of a husband he is going to be you, but I can understand why it is a concern for you. Also don’t feel guilting about worrying whether he can pleasure you because as much as it’s a taboo and there’s a shame in wanting it. It’s an unfair generalisation and everybody deserves to be physically satisfied.
With that being sad, you know you are not happy with how it looks, this won’t change when you get married. In fact it’ll get worse because then you’ll be having intercourse.
Honestly you have to be really sensitive with how you deal with this. Because if you tell him, Wallahi you will leave him with a long lasting insecurity and you will absolutely destroy his confidence.
Be mature and decide whether this is something you can overlook or not. Either way it’s understandable Wallahi
When you say give only 20% of yourself to a guy when your first dating does that mean being less available or not talking about your self too much
As in don’t give All of you when you start dating someone. Save something for yourself. Have your own life outside of dating, your own hobbies etc. Don’t allow your whole life to revolve around men basically.
Talk to them and give them to same energy. Don’t play mind games or tricks, just have your own identity.
Any tips of passing your driving license both theory and practical and getting your first car xx
Do your theory test first. Download the app on your iPhone or iPad and spend 30 minutes every night before bed doing practice tests. The repetition method is the best method to memorise something. That’s what I’ve used for all my exams and it has worked best for me. You basically repeat the same information over the course of days/weeks until it is instilled in your memory.
When you pass inshallah, do your lessons and I would say do automatic. There’s no real reason to ever need a manual. And it’s quicker to get your license.
If you can get yourself a little dinger so you can learn how to drive. My husband got me a little polo that I could scratch up whilst I was still learning 😭 never get a nice car for your first car, because you will scratch it. You’ll get used to driving though now I can pretty much drive any car
Any tips of letting go of financial burdens from your family , like growing up we didn’t have a lot of money but alhamdilah always , however seeing my parents hold on to every penny and constantly worrying about money and saving up has given me serious anxiety about spending anything with out feeling guilty like instead of buying nice things for myself I’m saving but what I’m saving for I’m literally 19 but generally sacred to touch money unless I can’t live with out it
Me and my husband spoke about this the other day. Saving is our biggest priority for our future kids because we don’t want them to grow up like we did. We want to give them the best future ever. But we made a promise that regardless, we are still going to enjoy our own lives and ultimately do what we want too.
But you know what, I realised living in fear isn’t going to help you make good decisions with your money, or in general. So don’t let it stop you from enjoying your life.
If it helps, make a separate bank account that is only for SPENDING. Your fuck off bank account. You can put a portion of your pay check in it, and a portion of the rest in your savings. So regardless you can be comfortable spending money.
Hey , so I’m getting married in a couple of months and a few months ago my friendship group has a huge fall out which I wasn’t involved in but it just caused a huge divide and it was just a mess, the girl I was the closest and me unfortunately fell out but know that I’m getting married everyone except her are all trying to crawl back into my life as I’ve basically distance myself from them and I’ve made the decision not to have braidsmaid when I spoke to a few of them about it REALLY upset about it but I just want to have a really calm happpy day with no stress or drama I honestly wasn’t going to even invite them because the other girls don’t speak to eachother and I cannot risk a problems at my wedding , I’m totally okay with no bridesmaid but I’m just scared that this will cause a bigger problem as I want maintain some of the friendships but I have to addres some of the problems before we can have that conversation but I’d rather leave that till after my wedding, I really don’t want them to ruin my special day but they are all bad vibes at the moment but I’m so scared of their evil eye if I don’t invite them.
No one is going to ruin your special day, and no friend would give you evil eye. Unless there are reasons to suggest otherwise, then I’d be more inclined to say don’t invite them, but there hasn’t been any good enough reasons.
You need to start looking within and question yourself. I understand being a bride is very stressful, but are you sure you’re not just being a diva? A lot of bridezilla’s are genuinely nice people but stress really does manifest in unfortunate ways sometimes. It’s making you look at your friends like they are going to give you evil eye? Who even says that? Slow down.
The fact they are trying to make up with you before your big day should show you how much they love you to not let a little fight get in between being there for you. Also, who would even start a fight at a wedding honestly? I am more inclined to think you have gone mad with power and are finding any reason to justify it. I know there are a lot of girls who just can’t wait to be a bride so they can have that one day move MAD like their shit don’t stink. Don’t be that girl PLEASE.
Remember your wedding is just one day, and then the next day, everyone is going to forget about you. They’ll be and even bigger and better wedding the next day and you’ll be old news. But your friends will remember how much you excluded them from your wedding and will never forgive you or forget it.
Whilst it is never nice to have a problem in the friendship group, you would be surprised at how well behaved people will be during a wedding (Trust me I know). And whilst I can’t account for randoms, this is especially the case for people who want to be in your life. Enjoy your wedding, have your nearest and dearest there, and everything will go smoothly. Think positively. Congratulations and May Allah swt bless your marriage!