Any advice on how to carry yourself more confidently , I’ve had a huge weight loss and before that I was soooo insecure and had no confidence and was deffo the person you’d ignore in the tooom but know that I look completely different I’m having a hard time adjusting to my looks and letting go of my insecurities / shyness and lack of confidence.
Follow people on Instagram who have the same body as you. There you can get inspiration regarding looks etc.
Get used to your new body. Get used to going out and wearing different types of clothes, which will eventually help you build that self image of yourself. Confidence will make you forget about any body issue you have ever had.
Anon
3 years ago
Hello, hope ur well
I think I have commitment issues like I don’t think I will ever get married like there have been guys that wanted to be serious with me and get married but I always wanted more and I know they weren’t for me . Even when I like a guy I will like him for a week or month and then they literally disgust me . This constantly happens. I can’t consistently like the same person. I was in a relationship for 2 years even tho I did care about him I had crushes on other guys a few times whilst in the relationship. It was nothing mad because it was just a crush nothing I acted on. Like how can I be in a whole relationship but like someone else obviously not on the same level as the boy I was in a relationship. Nothing lasts with guys because I end up cutting them off I just can’t like anyone long enough the more I become close to them I literally hate them. And I will never settle but I thought I would grow out of this. Do you have any advice
Committing feels natural and carries enormous rewards, it is nothing to be afraid of.
Generally there are two big reasons why people have commitment issues (I feel like this Is definitely what I experienced when I was younger)
– The fear of loss, which people try to pre-empt by not committing (ME ME ME ME)
– The fear of missing out on something better (ALSO ME ME ME)
Either way, both reason stops you from missing out on such beautiful experiences in life. If you have fomo for general things, have fomo for this. Committed relationships are the sweetest thing in the world. And most relationships just need emotional discipline. You also need someone who is worth doing those things for. Commitment will come naturally to you when the time is right
Anon
3 years ago
Hi lula,
There is a guy who I have been friends with online since this summer. Were both Somali, the same age, and live in the same country. In November we started officially talking with the intention of marriage. He lives 6 hours away from me and we haven’t met in person yet as he is currently on holiday in Somalia. We are planning to meet end of January/early February or once Lockdown ends where we both live. We both have seen photos of each other and are attracted to each other. However, he said it is important I don’t wear makeup during our face to face meetings. He is on his deen and doesn’t want a spouse who is into makeup/glam or social media. While I respect in decision, and btw I only wear light makeup to work (concealer, eyeshadow, mascara) a part of me is scared to go au natural and just wear a plain abaya instead of wearing a pretty dress. What if he doesn’t find me attractive without makeup? What if he rejects me? We have a great friendship and he has supported me through personal/family stuff and all of our phone calls/convos are pure bliss. Just us laughing, talking about our dreams, what we want for our futures. Needless to say I can see him becoming my best friend and husband. The only thing I am scared about is meeting him in person. What if he friend zones me after seeing me bare faced? A part of me has already accepted that being a possibility as he is how can I say mashallah above average in height and looks so I would understand if he wants a spouse on his calibre. This isnt me egging myself but ngl without makeup i am basic and I have been curvy/thick my whole life. As much as I want to say my personality and level of religiousity may compensate for my average looks I know that for men physical attraction is very important. He always gasses me up about my accomplishments and thinks I am confident and hard working but deep down I am still overcoming some deep self-esteem issues and learning to accept myself. I have had to stop myself from self-sabotaging this and running away and remind myself that I am worthy of love. So i guess my question to you is should I explain to him that I am nervous meeting him without makeup and in simple clothing? Btw I have never gone on a date before so to say I am anxious is an understatement. I have always made duaa to Allah for a spouse who wants me for who I am and not how I look. I have been taking steps to prepare for this first meeting wearing no makeup to work, fasting, getting more sleep, etc. Am i doing the absolute most? I just want him to like me as more than a friend.
He sounds like he wants a very specific kind of wife. Can you be like that for him?
Whilst you are okay with being bare faced the first day you meet him, are you okay with being bare faced the rest of your life? Because let me tell you this now, this man is letting you know straight up, he is not here for the make up. He is not here for you beautifying yourself. Even though that is completely fine, are YOU okay with that? Is that the kind of life you want?
When you go out with your girls, you won’t be able to dress up, wear make up etc? Can you be completely okay with this? If so, go ahead!!! Do your ting. But if you know in the back of your head that you are going to want these thing, you’re going to end up feeling trapped and regretful that you married this man (which you probably will if we are being honest), then you may want to rethink this.
Make-up is not just about enhancing your looks, its about confidence, not feeling self conscious because you have a spot or dark circles. Feeling like you’re more girly, more feminine, more sexy. Also it’s the freedom to express yourself. Personally I like experimenting with different colours and recreating looks. It’s also a big part of maintaining MY Identity. Which is what you are going to need when you are a married woman to a dominant man. If my Husband turned around to me and said I couldn’t wear Make up, I’d actually laugh. When you start letting a man decide one thing you can’t do, you open the door for more control and constant criticism in other areas of your life. It always starts off with one thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned around and told you, I don’t want you to work.
Let me tell you, I have an aunty back home who hides wearing make up from her husband and will wipe it off after going to a wedding. And she alway’s looks at her nieces wearing make up and I can just TELL, she is very unhappy. Don’t be that girl.
You obviously have self esteem issues, but ain’t that all women? What’s wrong with wearing a little make up sis, especially if that’s going to make you more confident! Wallahi I feel like you are already reducing yourself to whatever it is this man wants from you. Reflect sis please. Make a decision based on what your future self is going to want. Do you really never want to wear make up again?
Anon
3 years ago
Hi I hope you are well, I feel like growing up in my teenage years I was just boy crazy talking to any guy now that I’m 24 I just want a rebrand and to be taken serious but I feel like my past will always haunt me any advice on how I can change this
You need to stop looking at all men as ‘potentials’. No one Is a contender until they prove otherwise. Also guys can really tell when you are also talking to them because no one else is available (not that they care). But the point is, they really know when you’re just waiting for a man.
You need to start having requirements for a suitor and stick to them. It doesn’t have to be as ridiculous as: he needs to be a 6ft millionaire, gorgeous looking, has a lot of fucking money, very popular, everyone wants him, funny etc.
But rather:
Really emotionally intelligent, financially stable, kind and is capable of loving a woman unconditionally.
Not every guy is going to have those qualities, but those that do, will take you seriously.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi huns. If there is no communication at all in a marriage and have tried EVERYTHING to communicate but feels like we have nothing to talk about what would you advice? PS loving this page keep going. Maybe talking podcast would be amazing
If you have genuinely exhausted all options, then there is no point continuing this marriage. There becomes a point you have to be 100% honest with yourself. You are not happy, your husband is not happy, who is winning here? No one is happy? Lets say 10 years from now, are you going to look back and regret staying in an unhappy marriage? Are you going to feel like you have wasted your youth on something that was destined not to go somewhere? Then you must make a decision that the future you is going to be pleased with.
For myself, my happiness is paramount to me. Without that, I honestly would feel as if I lost myself. So whatever I do, I always have that person in mind. I can’t be in something that doesn’t make me happy. And I wouldn’t force myself to be somewhere because I’m scared of what people might think. Can’t please everyone
Anon
3 years ago
Im 18 and I had sex with a random non Muslim guy because I was curious about sex and found him attractive. I blocked him off everywhere the next day. My Arab family and friends all think I’m religious and pure bc I wear the proper hijab and Pray. but now I feel disgusting and hypocritical. I regret it so much because it’s so unlike me. I never in a million years would’ve ever thought I would even kiss a man before marriage forget have sex. I still feel like it was a dream it doesn’t feel real. It’s crazy I was having a really bad day and I let shaytan get the best of me. My question is can I still marry a clean hearted man who is on his deen or do I have to marry someone who isn’t a virgin bc I think the prophet saw said that pure should be with the pure. if I repent do I have to tell my husband bc I just want to keep this between me Allah and the Man.
All you can do is ask Allah for forgiveness and move on with life. If you sincerely repented and changed your behaviour, there is nothing more you can do. Don’t ever doubt the mercy of Allah. Guilt is a great thing as it helps you manage your behaviour, but is also shows that you still have imaan. Be more confident in your relationship with Allah. You absolutely can marry a clean hearted guy, just because you committed a sin doesn’t mean you are not worthy of a good future. Guess what sis, we are all sinners, we all commit sins differently. Yet we are still given blessings on blessings because Allah is just that merciful.
And you do NOT have to tell your future Husband, in fact you are advised not to. I’m really sorry you feel this way sis, wallahi it’s okay. Just make sure you repent and that’s it. Be done, and don’t do it again.
Anon
3 years ago
I am getting married and ofcourse first night & s*x comes to my mind. I feel so much anxiety when I think about it seeing as I am quite fat. I weigh more than my MCM. I feel like pushing back everything as my anxiety is destroying me. Please reply.
If you are getting married soon, then there’s not really much to do rather than accept what your body looks like. But if you do have time, you can really focus on doing weights to tone up.
Regarding nerves, most brides would have felt the same. Just be comfortable and try to calm your nerves before hand. Also it doesn’t have to happen on the first night,
You guys might actually be tired after the wedding. Take your time and just do whatever makes you feel comfortable
Anon
3 years ago
i’ve been dating this guy for 1.5 years and we’ve set a date for the nikkah in 3 months. Some days I feel confident about him being the one for me and other days I’m not so sure. He has really great qualities as a person. The doubts I have are linked to money and I can’t seem to figure out what he’s like with money. He’s paid for all our dates but he can be cheap about things to do with himself sometimes and whilst dating I haven’t received great gifts either. What’s a sure way of sussing a guy out when it comes to money. My worst fear is marrying a stingy guy.
Okay let’s start. As long as he is taking care of you, he is financially stable, he does gift you and you know that he will fulfil his duties, what more could you want? Also, this how whole ‘sussing’ him out doesn’t make sense to me. You’ve already decided to marry him. What more is there to suss out? Subconsciously it’s like you’re admitting you don’t really know him, so you might want to reflect on that.
However what I will say is, there’s a difference between being financially responsible and stingy. If he moderately gets you things that he can afford, and he’s being thoughtful, then this is a good guy. Wallahi expensive and designer gifts is really not the end all be all. If he can’t afford it, don’t expect it from him, especially if he is going to look after the home. Because his income is gonna affect YOU. Don’t go Broke trying to act Rich.
Anon
3 years ago
Salam sweetie came across your page on Twitter so I wanted to come on here I genuinely married the love of my life and I’m beyond happy in my marriage but there’s something that’s been bothering me
obviously life is not easy so I met some frogs along the way and now that I’m in my marriage someone from my past messaged me. This wasn’t a serious relationship we spoke for about a month (through a friend strictly halal) and he messaged me the first month I got married but I didn’t wanna tell him because I didn’t want bad energy at the start of my marriage but I did block him straight away….. He kept persisting making multiple accounts and I keep blocking him without saying a word….. I thought he left me alone after that but fast forward to present day he’s still messaging me and I feel like he’s stalking me online as well….. I’m just extremely uncomfortable I don’t want to mention it to my husband cause I know he will freak out and hit the roof (arab temper) but I also don’t think this man will leave me alone either…… what shall I do? Am I wrong for not telling my husband this? I can’t keep ignoring the obvious and I should say that I’m married and this other man won’t let me go…
He’s not leaving you alone because you’re not letting him leave you alone. You are really going to rock your relationship by entertaining this man. You’re probably going to do something, entertain a conversation, your husband will found out and you’ll be f*cked. If he keeps making accounts, keep blocking him. Simple as.
If he tries to cross anymore boundaries and physically starts to stalk you, tell your Husband and file a report.
Anon
3 years ago
hey not a question just some advice and please don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe refrain on answering the questions that’s are super outlandish and just sound fake (the girl who bought the guy the bmw), I know your response acknowledged how fake it sounded but keeping this page to genuine advise for the girls keeps its authenticity!! Rather than having oloni type dilemma’s that ppl will discard the whole page.. if you get what I’m saying xx
No I absolutely agree, which is why I deleted it off of twitter and why I am filtering some of the questions now. I love how you girls are really trying to look after it too. Thank you lovely!
Any advice on how to carry yourself more confidently , I’ve had a huge weight loss and before that I was soooo insecure and had no confidence and was deffo the person you’d ignore in the tooom but know that I look completely different I’m having a hard time adjusting to my looks and letting go of my insecurities / shyness and lack of confidence.
Follow people on Instagram who have the same body as you. There you can get inspiration regarding looks etc.
Get used to your new body. Get used to going out and wearing different types of clothes, which will eventually help you build that self image of yourself. Confidence will make you forget about any body issue you have ever had.
Hello, hope ur well
I think I have commitment issues like I don’t think I will ever get married like there have been guys that wanted to be serious with me and get married but I always wanted more and I know they weren’t for me . Even when I like a guy I will like him for a week or month and then they literally disgust me . This constantly happens. I can’t consistently like the same person. I was in a relationship for 2 years even tho I did care about him I had crushes on other guys a few times whilst in the relationship. It was nothing mad because it was just a crush nothing I acted on. Like how can I be in a whole relationship but like someone else obviously not on the same level as the boy I was in a relationship. Nothing lasts with guys because I end up cutting them off I just can’t like anyone long enough the more I become close to them I literally hate them. And I will never settle but I thought I would grow out of this. Do you have any advice
Committing feels natural and carries enormous rewards, it is nothing to be afraid of.
Generally there are two big reasons why people have commitment issues (I feel like this Is definitely what I experienced when I was younger)
– The fear of loss, which people try to pre-empt by not committing (ME ME ME ME)
– The fear of missing out on something better (ALSO ME ME ME)
Either way, both reason stops you from missing out on such beautiful experiences in life. If you have fomo for general things, have fomo for this. Committed relationships are the sweetest thing in the world. And most relationships just need emotional discipline. You also need someone who is worth doing those things for. Commitment will come naturally to you when the time is right
Hi lula,
There is a guy who I have been friends with online since this summer. Were both Somali, the same age, and live in the same country. In November we started officially talking with the intention of marriage. He lives 6 hours away from me and we haven’t met in person yet as he is currently on holiday in Somalia. We are planning to meet end of January/early February or once Lockdown ends where we both live. We both have seen photos of each other and are attracted to each other. However, he said it is important I don’t wear makeup during our face to face meetings. He is on his deen and doesn’t want a spouse who is into makeup/glam or social media. While I respect in decision, and btw I only wear light makeup to work (concealer, eyeshadow, mascara) a part of me is scared to go au natural and just wear a plain abaya instead of wearing a pretty dress. What if he doesn’t find me attractive without makeup? What if he rejects me? We have a great friendship and he has supported me through personal/family stuff and all of our phone calls/convos are pure bliss. Just us laughing, talking about our dreams, what we want for our futures. Needless to say I can see him becoming my best friend and husband. The only thing I am scared about is meeting him in person. What if he friend zones me after seeing me bare faced? A part of me has already accepted that being a possibility as he is how can I say mashallah above average in height and looks so I would understand if he wants a spouse on his calibre. This isnt me egging myself but ngl without makeup i am basic and I have been curvy/thick my whole life. As much as I want to say my personality and level of religiousity may compensate for my average looks I know that for men physical attraction is very important. He always gasses me up about my accomplishments and thinks I am confident and hard working but deep down I am still overcoming some deep self-esteem issues and learning to accept myself. I have had to stop myself from self-sabotaging this and running away and remind myself that I am worthy of love. So i guess my question to you is should I explain to him that I am nervous meeting him without makeup and in simple clothing? Btw I have never gone on a date before so to say I am anxious is an understatement. I have always made duaa to Allah for a spouse who wants me for who I am and not how I look. I have been taking steps to prepare for this first meeting wearing no makeup to work, fasting, getting more sleep, etc. Am i doing the absolute most? I just want him to like me as more than a friend.
He sounds like he wants a very specific kind of wife. Can you be like that for him?
Whilst you are okay with being bare faced the first day you meet him, are you okay with being bare faced the rest of your life? Because let me tell you this now, this man is letting you know straight up, he is not here for the make up. He is not here for you beautifying yourself. Even though that is completely fine, are YOU okay with that? Is that the kind of life you want?
When you go out with your girls, you won’t be able to dress up, wear make up etc? Can you be completely okay with this? If so, go ahead!!! Do your ting. But if you know in the back of your head that you are going to want these thing, you’re going to end up feeling trapped and regretful that you married this man (which you probably will if we are being honest), then you may want to rethink this.
Make-up is not just about enhancing your looks, its about confidence, not feeling self conscious because you have a spot or dark circles. Feeling like you’re more girly, more feminine, more sexy. Also it’s the freedom to express yourself. Personally I like experimenting with different colours and recreating looks. It’s also a big part of maintaining MY Identity. Which is what you are going to need when you are a married woman to a dominant man. If my Husband turned around to me and said I couldn’t wear Make up, I’d actually laugh. When you start letting a man decide one thing you can’t do, you open the door for more control and constant criticism in other areas of your life. It always starts off with one thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned around and told you, I don’t want you to work.
Let me tell you, I have an aunty back home who hides wearing make up from her husband and will wipe it off after going to a wedding. And she alway’s looks at her nieces wearing make up and I can just TELL, she is very unhappy. Don’t be that girl.
You obviously have self esteem issues, but ain’t that all women? What’s wrong with wearing a little make up sis, especially if that’s going to make you more confident! Wallahi I feel like you are already reducing yourself to whatever it is this man wants from you. Reflect sis please. Make a decision based on what your future self is going to want. Do you really never want to wear make up again?
Hi I hope you are well, I feel like growing up in my teenage years I was just boy crazy talking to any guy now that I’m 24 I just want a rebrand and to be taken serious but I feel like my past will always haunt me any advice on how I can change this
Quality Control
You need to stop looking at all men as ‘potentials’. No one Is a contender until they prove otherwise. Also guys can really tell when you are also talking to them because no one else is available (not that they care). But the point is, they really know when you’re just waiting for a man.
You need to start having requirements for a suitor and stick to them. It doesn’t have to be as ridiculous as: he needs to be a 6ft millionaire, gorgeous looking, has a lot of fucking money, very popular, everyone wants him, funny etc.
But rather:
Really emotionally intelligent, financially stable, kind and is capable of loving a woman unconditionally.
Not every guy is going to have those qualities, but those that do, will take you seriously.
Hi huns. If there is no communication at all in a marriage and have tried EVERYTHING to communicate but feels like we have nothing to talk about what would you advice? PS loving this page keep going. Maybe talking podcast would be amazing
If you have genuinely exhausted all options, then there is no point continuing this marriage. There becomes a point you have to be 100% honest with yourself. You are not happy, your husband is not happy, who is winning here? No one is happy? Lets say 10 years from now, are you going to look back and regret staying in an unhappy marriage? Are you going to feel like you have wasted your youth on something that was destined not to go somewhere? Then you must make a decision that the future you is going to be pleased with.
For myself, my happiness is paramount to me. Without that, I honestly would feel as if I lost myself. So whatever I do, I always have that person in mind. I can’t be in something that doesn’t make me happy. And I wouldn’t force myself to be somewhere because I’m scared of what people might think. Can’t please everyone
Im 18 and I had sex with a random non Muslim guy because I was curious about sex and found him attractive. I blocked him off everywhere the next day. My Arab family and friends all think I’m religious and pure bc I wear the proper hijab and Pray. but now I feel disgusting and hypocritical. I regret it so much because it’s so unlike me. I never in a million years would’ve ever thought I would even kiss a man before marriage forget have sex. I still feel like it was a dream it doesn’t feel real. It’s crazy I was having a really bad day and I let shaytan get the best of me. My question is can I still marry a clean hearted man who is on his deen or do I have to marry someone who isn’t a virgin bc I think the prophet saw said that pure should be with the pure. if I repent do I have to tell my husband bc I just want to keep this between me Allah and the Man.
All you can do is ask Allah for forgiveness and move on with life. If you sincerely repented and changed your behaviour, there is nothing more you can do. Don’t ever doubt the mercy of Allah. Guilt is a great thing as it helps you manage your behaviour, but is also shows that you still have imaan. Be more confident in your relationship with Allah. You absolutely can marry a clean hearted guy, just because you committed a sin doesn’t mean you are not worthy of a good future. Guess what sis, we are all sinners, we all commit sins differently. Yet we are still given blessings on blessings because Allah is just that merciful.
And you do NOT have to tell your future Husband, in fact you are advised not to. I’m really sorry you feel this way sis, wallahi it’s okay. Just make sure you repent and that’s it. Be done, and don’t do it again.
I am getting married and ofcourse first night & s*x comes to my mind. I feel so much anxiety when I think about it seeing as I am quite fat. I weigh more than my MCM. I feel like pushing back everything as my anxiety is destroying me. Please reply.
If you are getting married soon, then there’s not really much to do rather than accept what your body looks like. But if you do have time, you can really focus on doing weights to tone up.
Regarding nerves, most brides would have felt the same. Just be comfortable and try to calm your nerves before hand. Also it doesn’t have to happen on the first night,
You guys might actually be tired after the wedding. Take your time and just do whatever makes you feel comfortable
i’ve been dating this guy for 1.5 years and we’ve set a date for the nikkah in 3 months. Some days I feel confident about him being the one for me and other days I’m not so sure. He has really great qualities as a person. The doubts I have are linked to money and I can’t seem to figure out what he’s like with money. He’s paid for all our dates but he can be cheap about things to do with himself sometimes and whilst dating I haven’t received great gifts either. What’s a sure way of sussing a guy out when it comes to money. My worst fear is marrying a stingy guy.
Oh sis. I’m side eyeing you I can’t lie LOOOOOOOL
Okay let’s start. As long as he is taking care of you, he is financially stable, he does gift you and you know that he will fulfil his duties, what more could you want? Also, this how whole ‘sussing’ him out doesn’t make sense to me. You’ve already decided to marry him. What more is there to suss out? Subconsciously it’s like you’re admitting you don’t really know him, so you might want to reflect on that.
However what I will say is, there’s a difference between being financially responsible and stingy. If he moderately gets you things that he can afford, and he’s being thoughtful, then this is a good guy. Wallahi expensive and designer gifts is really not the end all be all. If he can’t afford it, don’t expect it from him, especially if he is going to look after the home. Because his income is gonna affect YOU. Don’t go Broke trying to act Rich.
Salam sweetie came across your page on Twitter so I wanted to come on here I genuinely married the love of my life and I’m beyond happy in my marriage but there’s something that’s been bothering me
obviously life is not easy so I met some frogs along the way and now that I’m in my marriage someone from my past messaged me. This wasn’t a serious relationship we spoke for about a month (through a friend strictly halal) and he messaged me the first month I got married but I didn’t wanna tell him because I didn’t want bad energy at the start of my marriage but I did block him straight away….. He kept persisting making multiple accounts and I keep blocking him without saying a word….. I thought he left me alone after that but fast forward to present day he’s still messaging me and I feel like he’s stalking me online as well….. I’m just extremely uncomfortable I don’t want to mention it to my husband cause I know he will freak out and hit the roof (arab temper) but I also don’t think this man will leave me alone either…… what shall I do? Am I wrong for not telling my husband this? I can’t keep ignoring the obvious and I should say that I’m married and this other man won’t let me go…
Sis.
He’s not leaving you alone because you’re not letting him leave you alone. You are really going to rock your relationship by entertaining this man. You’re probably going to do something, entertain a conversation, your husband will found out and you’ll be f*cked. If he keeps making accounts, keep blocking him. Simple as.
If he tries to cross anymore boundaries and physically starts to stalk you, tell your Husband and file a report.
hey not a question just some advice and please don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe refrain on answering the questions that’s are super outlandish and just sound fake (the girl who bought the guy the bmw), I know your response acknowledged how fake it sounded but keeping this page to genuine advise for the girls keeps its authenticity!! Rather than having oloni type dilemma’s that ppl will discard the whole page.. if you get what I’m saying xx
No I absolutely agree, which is why I deleted it off of twitter and why I am filtering some of the questions now. I love how you girls are really trying to look after it too. Thank you lovely!