Ladies I am honestly wrecked so I fell in love with this guy, literally my perfect guy ticked every guy on my list so we stopped talking a few months back because he had a lot going on and needed a break but his last words to me were ‘I just need a bit of time to sort my life out I’ll reach out to you as soon as I do’ am i crazy in thinking it’s him asking me to wait for him indirectly? , anywayyy recently I found out he’s getting married. Bearing in mind I found out from a mutual it’s been less than 6 months since we last spoke. I am so hurt and I feel betrayed because if he was upfront in the beginning about wanting to move in I wouldn’t have pined over him, dhexda ayaan xidhanlaha. I sort of want to go off on him but I’m not that person and he doesn’t deserve my outburst. I don’t need advice because I know I’m not going to act on it I’m just going to go about my life I just needed to say this. It’s tough being the strong friend sometimes 💕 but walaaley I hope you are well and you are doing a good job allahuma bariik. Keep it up
Ah this is so awful man. Poor thing. This is why I always tell people to never wait for men. Because they are so nasty, this is the shit they are capable of. They’ll tell you to wait for them but in the same breath they are committing to someone. I am so sorry girl.
You dodged a bullet. God help whoever it was he got married to. Poor thing she probably doesn’t even know. I don’t know how you can be really settled with your wife when moments before you were with another woman? He clearly is someone who is used to jumping to-and-fro between women. Alas he will probably do the same thing to his current wife.
Now you take some time to focus on yourself, get yourself in order, and move forward! Embrace your new future with all of the possible adventures and experiences it has to offer. Bun him
And thank you 🙂
Anon
3 years ago
Hii sis, firstly I love this account! You answer all the best questions amazing 🙂
So I’m in a little dilemma I’m expecting my husband is cheating on me.. I’ve been with him for 2 years. He tends to his phone from me whenever we are together, takes it with him in the washroom, kitchen. Etc.. When he is at work he completely shuts me down and doesn’t even call his wife to even say hi 🙁
It hurts.. It’s like he’s getting attention from elsewhere or from someone else. He seems very distant from me. I haven’t been through his phone because I’m just not that type of woman. I have self respect and of course respect for him.. But something is telling me other wise.. Pls help. Any advice?!
should I distant myself from him as well and go through his phone?
First you need to distinguish whether he is actually cheating or if you are being paranoid. That should be the first plan of action.
If your partner feels distant or has been a significant change in their actions, this shift can be concerning. Sometimes people aren’t cheating, sometimes there is just a genuine disconnect and there needs to be communication to resolve this. When you do communicate your feelings, think for a moment about what kind of proof you need to stop feeling betrayed. Would anything prove it to you? If him picking up the phone and being more attentive will help, then make that very clear to him. There are other practical ways to solve your paranoia like keeping busy, talking to your friends, being around family etc.
But if he’s cheating, you need to find concrete evidence before you address it. Because men will tell you whatever they need to in order to get you off the scent. They are also very good at gaslighting if their family is at risk. They can lie like there in no tomorrow. So you will need irrefutable evidence before calling him out on his shits.
There’s a thousand and one ways a cheater can cover their tracks. He could have a burner phone. He could be deleting messages. He could be hiding girls contact details under different names. He could be speaking in code. He could be hiding any evidence of cheating in hidden folders. Going through his phone (and that’s assuming he gives it to you, which I don’t think he will, but his response will tell you PLENTY) will not give you answers, it will just raise more questions, whilst also either putting him on the defensive and/or making him go further to cover his racks.
Right now, don’t even make it look like you’re even suspicious, don’t even be distant because he will just get smarter. Wait it out until you come across concrete evidence that he is cheating, or find the evidence for yourself.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girls, i have been on Muzmatch for the past few months and have my photo blurred as I don’t feel comfortable having it on public. I unblur my photos once we have matched and on a several occasions I have been blocked once the guy views my pic. Am I ugly? I understand every guy on here would not find me attractive and I wouldn’t find every guy on there attractive. I already suffer from low self esteem and this has been affecting my confidence and self esteem even more. On many occasions i have deactivated the app but decide to keep giving it a go. Atm this is the only way i would be a be able to meet a potential spouse and would love to get married soon In Sha Allah. Do you think I just get of this app as I’m not strong enough for rejection or keep going? Making my pic public is not an option right now as i feel uncomfortable.
Awwwwww. Look, I know it’s easy to say this, but don’t let a little rejection get to you. Like you said, you wouldn’t find every guy on their attractive, and sometimes it’s vice verse but who cares if someone you don’t know doesn’t find you attractive. I get it, it will obviously impact your self-esteem but you have to stop it from letting it get to you.
Average, ugly, are self depreciating terms. How you got them and where you got them from doesn’t matter. Until you respect yourself and treat yourself with respect, no one else will either. It is very dangerous when you start seeing yourself as unattractive or not worthy of being someone’s spouse. Because when someones does approach you (because they will), your lack of confidence will become very apparent and could discourage someone pursuing things with you. So you gotta pick and dust yourself off.
Forget about whether or not someone doesn’t like how you look. Men are very fickle, I guarantee if you showed curves or your body, they wouldn’t have blocked you. Do not concern yourself whether you are or aren’t attractive to these people. Because attraction to them is usually linked to how sexually attractive they perceive you to be. Unfortunately, that seems to be the rules of the game. Your kindness, career, sense of humor, etc will most probably not matter unless you come across sexually attractive. But that will matter to someone one day and he will like you because of all those things that really make you beautiful.
Dust yourself off
Anon
3 years ago
Finding it hard to trust my own mother – HELP:
Hi Lulu and Ladan. I hope you’re both well and are filled with blessings in the upcoming year.
Sorry for the long post
So I’m in my early 20’s and currently in Uni.
My dilemma is that I feel as though I can’t trust my own mum these days.
I live with both my parents and my siblings.
My father is a very strict somali man. There are many things that he views as shameful to even speak about. He doesn’t allow any of his kids to step out of line including me.
If we do, then we get punished.
My mum on the other hand has always been someone that I viewed as more relaxed and as someone that I could confide in and ask for advice.
Recently though, whatever I tell her, she tells my dad. And when my dad hears of whatever I have said, he gets very angry and hits me.
Most of the time, this is just stuff about advice on my future career or a certain friend or going to a certain venue with friends – not even haram places lol.
In front of me, she acts as though she’s cool with whatever I’m telling her about. She gives me advice on certain things and we get on with the rest of the day.
Also, these days my mum will tell him when the whole family is there and we’re all gathered. And he hurts me in front of the whole family.
She never stops him or defends me at all. Never tells him that whatever I said isn’t that deep. And she knows very well how he reacts to things so I don’t know why she does that wallahi.
I’m really confused and I don’t like to think that my mum is someone who will do something like that on purpose but sometimes I feel like it’s entertainment for her.
Should I never speak to my mum about my life or anything?
I am really sorry to hear that man. The way your parents treat you is so unfair and unkind, and I pray Allah swt grants you a safe haven. This honestly breaks my heart
All I can say is, extend grace your Mother. Yes she is an enabler but she is also a victim too. Your Mother is probably going through the exact same abuse you are experiencing. Have compassion. I know you are angry at her for not defending you, but sometimes its not that easy. She is probably doing the best she can with what she has. Perhaps she can’t leave your father for other reasons. Who will support her if she leaves? There are so many reasons why Mother’s do what they do, so give them that. It does not lessen or excuse or absolve them for the damage they did. Because excuses are not apologies. But not everything is black or white.
For now, just stop telling your parents, particularly your Mother about what goes on in your life. Don’t give anyone ammunition to use on you later. Find someone else to confide in and tell white lies if you need to.
However, be very careful that being private/lying to your parents don’t maninfest into your adult life. I say this because coping mechanisms you create from your household or childhood, can transform into real detrimental traits in the future. These things can trickle into your adult life and even marriage. I will give you an example. When you starting lying or hiding parts of the truth because you are worried about the reaction, suddenly lying now becomes easier to you than explaining yourself. You won’t realize it, but your coping mechanism from your childhood has now manifested. Another example, you hide the truth about something to your husband over something so small because you are worried about what he will say. A third person would say to you, this is silly, you are both adults and he does not own you. But this is learnt behavior now so you don’t know any different. It’s very odd how these things carry over into unnecessary situations, but unfortunately they do. That’s why we have to be very mindful.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi sis
Please help me with my dilemma.
I am 26 and about to be married very shortly. My man is 32 and is everything I could have ever wanted. He is kind, thoughtful generous and is very attractive. I am really excited to be with him.
This is where my dilemma starts. My man is very tall and well built – he is a gym rat. When he met me a year ago I was also a gym kinda girl. At that time I was around 55 kg and was carefully tracking my food, which is a massive Somali household you know can be quite difficult to do.
Recently I ballooned. I gained around 10kg which on my 5’5 frame was quite noticeable. My extended family when they saw me would regularly shade me and so would my mum. When his mum saw me after the weight gain she said ‘wow imagine how much she would gain after marriage and pregnancy’ followed by a shady mashallah Lool.
His and his family (and mine) now want a massive wedding and so did I before the weight gain. Right now I feel sad, insecure to have that wedding. Just feels like a massive place where people would talk about me. My fiancé has also been shading me by saying things like ‘damn girl someone’s greedy’ and also how he missed calling me ‘dhexyar’
What advice would you give me please sister? Please help me out as this has taken a toll on my mental psyche.
I’ve answered a similar question to this and I have the same views. If someone you are about to marry is making you feel insecure about your body, it will only get worse when you get married. Especially when his dusty family is in on it too.
Wallahi body dismorphia is a disease and this is exactly how it starts. Because even after you lose weight, you still won’t be happy. It will fester and live with you for a very long time. And it’ll be because of these seeds that are being planted in your ear.
The behaviours you describe are abusive. Someone who loves you strives to make you feel secure and valued. Not insecure at any given opportunity. And now look, it has gotten so bad you don’t even want a wedding. The fact his Mother is even making jokes is crazy in itself. I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the in laws were to shade you too.
This is sad man, because I can’t even say communicate to him. Because for the most part, people don’t change these types of personality flaws. Also, he doesn’t even deserve to see your whole body once you get married to him if this are his views on women, let alone the one he is about to marry. And truthfully, you will never feel comfortable being naked around him. It’s a lose lose for everyone involved. And you sure as hell won’t be comfortable after you have given birth.
You deserve to get married for someone who is going to love you as you are. 65KG is not big at all, not even close. Never ever allow somebody to damage the relationship you have with yourself. You have to live with yourself 24/7, and it shouldn’t be spent in shame and inferiority. Anybody who doesn’t respect your self-esteem is not worth your time.
Anon
3 years ago
What’s your opinion on female and male friends when in a relationship?
Pretty pointless. In my opinion, it’s not worth it to have mixed friendships in REAL LIFE.
Men will never really understand how to respect women’s boundaries unless it’s their Mother, Wife, Aunt or Sister and I think that is the problem. Anyone else they simply do not respect. Also wallahi it is crazy what guys will do when they are not used to being around girls. I will give you examples.
Constant questioning about your life: Wallahi men are so interested in what you do, who you see, where you go out to. And you think they’re being protective? Absolutely not, they just want to find out so they can gossip and imply that you’re a hoe later to their friends, just because you wear make up and know you’re most likely going to get attention from the opposite gender. Especially if you’re a non-hijabi, oh they will always think you’re a hoe.
They get jealous: When they see you date a man they would respect in real life, you know the ‘Big Bros’, they see you dating them as now being above them in social status. They take it as a slight, and will try find anyway to throw sly digs at you and your relationship.
They don’t know how to behave: I kid you not, I saw one guy play fight with a girl he was cool with and ended up slapping her bum. It was mental.
They take jokes too far: Just constantly being very hypercritical and talking about your appearance. The fact you wear make up. Even your body, your weight. Just borderline out of order. Also oh yeah, what I realised a lot of this is called ‘Negging” which is:
low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.
Because 80% of the guys that have ever commented on my appearance, or tried to take a knock at my confidence has tried to move to me at one point and the other 20% wish they could.
In some cases, men ain’t really your friends: They are just waiting for that moment they can take the friendship to the next level. Oh you know those guys that are giving you relationship advice whilst your with your man? They are wait patiently for him to fuck up.
But yeah in short (LMAO), I think in real life personal relationships with men are messy. It’s unnecessary wallahi, you get what you need from your girls. From someone who is a gamer, and most of the people I play online with are men (not many girls unfortunately), its strictly business. And because its online, no one really crosses boundaries because of that virtual distance. But in real life, you can’t place boundaries.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girlies,
I have a dilemma. I’ve been talking to this guy for almost 3 years now and we’re thinking about getting married. Everything was going good between us two, but obviously our parents didn’t know we were talking/ together, and he thought that his parents probably wouldn’t accept me since I’m Somali (OG) and he’s a lander (Isaaq). His parents want him to bring home a good lander girl and I can’t even be upset cause my parents want me to bring home a good OG man and they both dislike each qabiil. The two of us don’t really care about that qabiil stuff but we know when it comes to our families they wouldn’t allow us to get married. He’s brought up the whole marrying non lander thing to his parents while we were on the phone and they both disapproved. He’s told me it’s not a big deal cause he still wants to be with me but slowly over time he’s been drifting away, and being cold to me, and I think it’s his parents getting to him. Idk what to do, should I just cut ties with him since he’s not being his old self anymore or should I continue being with him and hope everything goes right eventually?
My mum is a Lander, I lived in Hargeisa and I can’t lie to you, landers are very specific with the kind of spouses they want for their children. VERY. And unfortunately the main focus is qabil: they have got to be Lander. It’s really important for them and sometimes I actually get it. But I know some families can overdo it
Now it’s up to him to put his parent’s in their place and let them know that qabil has nothing to do with whether a spouse will be good and/or righteous. It’s stupid and outdated. I think he realises that in order for him to have this conversation with his parents, he has to be very confrontational. Unfortunately, not many men are up to that task. And I won’t lie, I’m not surprised. It is way easier for you to just find someone your parents want instead of going against the grain. But in that case, if he is not willing to fight for you, the he doesn’t truly love you. End of story. Because if he did, he wouldn’t give a flying f*** what his parents say. Especially seeing as men don’t need their parent’s blessing. As long as you are a practicing Muslim and have the potential to be an amazing wife is all that he should care about.
Perhaps him being cold is him directly telling you he is not willing to go against the grain. In that case, you shouldn’t have to beg someone to fight for you. You are worthy of being sought after regardless of what his traditional parents may think. And maybe this is a blessing for you, because regardless you are going to want a man who can stand up for his Wife. This man though is a coward.
Anon
3 years ago
Salam sister!
I wanted to get some advice on this guy I’ve been talking to for 2 years. We’ve been talking long distance for 2 years now and and I don’t know if I should continue. He’s sweet and all most of the time, family oriented, and has the same humour as me and all and all perfect for me. Him being oversees is the only bad thing in this and he’s told me before that I should keep my options open, yet gets upset when I do move on. As I’m still in school we made a promise to each other that we’ll wait until after I’m done my education to move onto the whole marriage thing but that’s gonna be 3+ years. He plans to come see me in a couple months but idk if I should just end it cause a lot of what he promises me are empty promises. Plus if I have to be honest to myself long distance is not something I can see myself doing for multiple years. I just want someone else’s opinion on if I should continue “being with him” because I can see myself ending up with him marriage wise or should I just drop it and find someone in my city?
Its been they’re discretely keeping their options open. Open your eyes and see the light! He makes you promises and doesn’t fulfil them. Open your eyes and see the light! He has been talking to you for 2 whole years and has no intention to see you? OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE THE BLUDCLART LIGHT! This man is wasting your time, and it could not be more obvious that he is not committed in this relationship at all.
Just because he gets a bit upset when you move on, doesn’t mean he wants you. He just wants you to be available. If you have moved on with someone else, you won’t be available. You feel me? I genuinely feel like he just likes the comfort of talking to someone he doesn’t have to commit to. The fact you live overseas is perfect. You are a pen pal he doesn’t have any responsibilities towards. You need to start seeing this for what it truly is, he is not the one mate. Far from it. I’m telling you in a years time, you will see his wedding being featured on SomaliBridal and the bride won’t be you.
Drop him and find someone in your city.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girls, I need some advice on how to teach or tell a guy you are dating your love languages. He’s a lovely guy, good personality, very kind and caring but lacks initiative. He’s always waiting for me to lead and I’m starting to get annoyed. I’m a really awkward person when it comes to these conversations but it’s bothering me a lot so I just want to know how to approach the topic.
Communicate what you want from him: “Hey babe, although I love you so much, and I really appreciate how caring you are. I just would like you to take more initiative. I know you are probably just letting me decide things but I want you to do it too. Maybe plan a date for us?”
There are other ways you can teach your partner your love language for example
Shower your spouse with so much love unselfishly that eventually he will be begging for ways to reciprocate (as this is human nature). Give him compliments, acts of service (don’t overdo it). For example, if he was hungry or didn’t eat that day, when you meet up maybe bring him warm food. Only do it once or twice though. The more you do it, it won’t be that special.
Or learn to receive love in all five love languages. Do no limit yourself to just one or two. Then, you will no longer feel deprived, because you will be multilingual in love.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey ladies, thanks for helping us out with these questions. I have one major insecurity – I am losing my hair at a fast rate. It’s got to the point where I’ve been medically diagnosed with scarring alopecia, the type that can’t be solved by a hair transplant and once it scars, nothing can grow back. I’m taking medical ointments to reduce inflammation which reduces hair loss so that I can keep what I do have. At least I can make a ponytail but even then, I have huge bald spots that can’t be hidden. I’ve tried so many ways to hide them and it’s impossible.
I’m putting myself forward for marriage and it’s really getting me down. I’ve had dreams of having long hair out like my sisters out when I picture my imaginary wedding but I have to be realistic; I won’t be like that. You know, it’s kind of sad how a woman’s worth relates to her hair especially in the Somali community or even as a black woman. My mother does fuel my insecurity a bit by touching it and making comments. Think “ah ah ah, you’re balding more. Let’s get you some [insert fad oil]”. She’s trying to help but it’s not helpful especially when these oils don’t do squat for me. I still do them to make her a little happy. I just know they won’t get back what’s scarred over and is now smooth.
I’ve been looking at wigs; synthetic ones are halal based on the research I’ve made especially since this is a medical issue. I don’t want to really play with fire when looking at human hair wigs even though they look great and I’m not quite sure if there are any exemptions available. Anyway, using a wig also worries me since well, I don’t want to get any nasty comments from anyone. I mean, from people who visit my home and would be my mahram/women since I wear a hijab anyway. A lot of my family are fobs and I just know they wouldn’t understand; they’re the type to be a bit blunt and disrespectful with how they advise a person to conform to them.
Point is; I don’t want my future husband, whoever he may be, to like me less for basically being almost bald. He wouldn’t be able to see until after the nikkah and it could be a shock to the system for him *even* if I pre-warn him. I think if his reaction has any inkling of disappointment, I would take that personally. Anyway, how do you tell someone something like this? Right away? When you’re basically deciding to tie the knot? What if he thinks it’s okay when being told beforehand and regrets it after seeing?
Awww I am really sorry to hear that sis, but honestly, it is not that end of the world. There are so many solutions you can look at.
First stop wearing ponytails. Stop straining your hair or putting it in buns, keep it o natural. Just leave it as an afro or whatever. In fact, to stop it from detangling, after you leave the shower, put olive oil and leave in conditioner. Also don’t comb your hair, just detangle it. Then, we are gonna wear a silk hat to bed. Not sure what it is called but it’s a silk Hat. Wait, I think it’s called a bonnet LMAO. Also start taking a lot of iron, that’s good for hair growth. If you want to hide bald spots, you can always dye your hair. The dyed scalp will look like hair from a distance.
Also wigs girl. My hair got so damaged to the point I had to cut it so short in 2018 and I have been wearing wigs since. Now my hair is thicker and longer than some of the wigs I wear. Also no one really notices you’re wearing a wig when its installed really good. You’d be so surprised. I make my wigs look like how I wear my hair with extensions. Synthetic hair is getting very very better btw.
But remember, you don’t even have to wear wigs on a day to day basis if you are hijabi. You don’t even have to worry about your hair.
In regards to how your Husband will see you. I will give you the honest truth. In the beginning, you might have to keep up certain appearances, making sure your hair is nice, or you look really attractive. Because you’re not that comfortable with each other YET. But trust me, it doesn’t last that long. When you live with someone you get comfortable VERY VERY quickly.
I’m pretty sure at one point I had a wig on and it was hot, so you know what I did? I took it off in front of My husband and just walked around the house in cornrows. And these cornrows weren’t even cute ones. It was the one you see in GTA San Andreas. When I tell you we spent the first hour laughing. Especially because I was wearing a vest, he said I looked like Vin Diesel and just kept saying “It’s all about the Family.” If I said that I could be this comfortable to Lula 3 years ago, I would make myself sick. Especially when at that age I didn’t even feel comfortable not wearing concealer outsider. Now, I can count on my fingers how much I wear make up.
If you want my advice, don’t tell him straight away. When people are not comfortable with you yet, they are less inclined to overlook your flaws. But when you guys have lived together, and are comfortable, men really won’t care. Wallahi I wish I could say this to you in person, but trust me, couples get very comfortable with each other. You see the real parts of each other and accept it for what it is. Sis, you will be smelling each others morning breath, to me that’s the real deal looool if you can love me after my morning breath, you’ll love me no matter what.
Ladies I am honestly wrecked so I fell in love with this guy, literally my perfect guy ticked every guy on my list so we stopped talking a few months back because he had a lot going on and needed a break but his last words to me were ‘I just need a bit of time to sort my life out I’ll reach out to you as soon as I do’ am i crazy in thinking it’s him asking me to wait for him indirectly? , anywayyy recently I found out he’s getting married. Bearing in mind I found out from a mutual it’s been less than 6 months since we last spoke. I am so hurt and I feel betrayed because if he was upfront in the beginning about wanting to move in I wouldn’t have pined over him, dhexda ayaan xidhanlaha. I sort of want to go off on him but I’m not that person and he doesn’t deserve my outburst. I don’t need advice because I know I’m not going to act on it I’m just going to go about my life I just needed to say this. It’s tough being the strong friend sometimes 💕 but walaaley I hope you are well and you are doing a good job allahuma bariik. Keep it up
Ah this is so awful man. Poor thing. This is why I always tell people to never wait for men. Because they are so nasty, this is the shit they are capable of. They’ll tell you to wait for them but in the same breath they are committing to someone. I am so sorry girl.
You dodged a bullet. God help whoever it was he got married to. Poor thing she probably doesn’t even know. I don’t know how you can be really settled with your wife when moments before you were with another woman? He clearly is someone who is used to jumping to-and-fro between women. Alas he will probably do the same thing to his current wife.
Now you take some time to focus on yourself, get yourself in order, and move forward! Embrace your new future with all of the possible adventures and experiences it has to offer. Bun him
And thank you 🙂
Hii sis, firstly I love this account! You answer all the best questions amazing 🙂
So I’m in a little dilemma I’m expecting my husband is cheating on me.. I’ve been with him for 2 years. He tends to his phone from me whenever we are together, takes it with him in the washroom, kitchen. Etc.. When he is at work he completely shuts me down and doesn’t even call his wife to even say hi 🙁
It hurts.. It’s like he’s getting attention from elsewhere or from someone else. He seems very distant from me. I haven’t been through his phone because I’m just not that type of woman. I have self respect and of course respect for him.. But something is telling me other wise.. Pls help. Any advice?!
should I distant myself from him as well and go through his phone?
First you need to distinguish whether he is actually cheating or if you are being paranoid. That should be the first plan of action.
If your partner feels distant or has been a significant change in their actions, this shift can be concerning. Sometimes people aren’t cheating, sometimes there is just a genuine disconnect and there needs to be communication to resolve this. When you do communicate your feelings, think for a moment about what kind of proof you need to stop feeling betrayed. Would anything prove it to you? If him picking up the phone and being more attentive will help, then make that very clear to him. There are other practical ways to solve your paranoia like keeping busy, talking to your friends, being around family etc.
But if he’s cheating, you need to find concrete evidence before you address it. Because men will tell you whatever they need to in order to get you off the scent. They are also very good at gaslighting if their family is at risk. They can lie like there in no tomorrow. So you will need irrefutable evidence before calling him out on his shits.
There’s a thousand and one ways a cheater can cover their tracks. He could have a burner phone. He could be deleting messages. He could be hiding girls contact details under different names. He could be speaking in code. He could be hiding any evidence of cheating in hidden folders. Going through his phone (and that’s assuming he gives it to you, which I don’t think he will, but his response will tell you PLENTY) will not give you answers, it will just raise more questions, whilst also either putting him on the defensive and/or making him go further to cover his racks.
Right now, don’t even make it look like you’re even suspicious, don’t even be distant because he will just get smarter. Wait it out until you come across concrete evidence that he is cheating, or find the evidence for yourself.
Hey girls, i have been on Muzmatch for the past few months and have my photo blurred as I don’t feel comfortable having it on public. I unblur my photos once we have matched and on a several occasions I have been blocked once the guy views my pic. Am I ugly? I understand every guy on here would not find me attractive and I wouldn’t find every guy on there attractive. I already suffer from low self esteem and this has been affecting my confidence and self esteem even more. On many occasions i have deactivated the app but decide to keep giving it a go. Atm this is the only way i would be a be able to meet a potential spouse and would love to get married soon In Sha Allah. Do you think I just get of this app as I’m not strong enough for rejection or keep going? Making my pic public is not an option right now as i feel uncomfortable.
Awwwwww. Look, I know it’s easy to say this, but don’t let a little rejection get to you. Like you said, you wouldn’t find every guy on their attractive, and sometimes it’s vice verse but who cares if someone you don’t know doesn’t find you attractive. I get it, it will obviously impact your self-esteem but you have to stop it from letting it get to you.
Average, ugly, are self depreciating terms. How you got them and where you got them from doesn’t matter. Until you respect yourself and treat yourself with respect, no one else will either. It is very dangerous when you start seeing yourself as unattractive or not worthy of being someone’s spouse. Because when someones does approach you (because they will), your lack of confidence will become very apparent and could discourage someone pursuing things with you. So you gotta pick and dust yourself off.
Forget about whether or not someone doesn’t like how you look. Men are very fickle, I guarantee if you showed curves or your body, they wouldn’t have blocked you. Do not concern yourself whether you are or aren’t attractive to these people. Because attraction to them is usually linked to how sexually attractive they perceive you to be. Unfortunately, that seems to be the rules of the game. Your kindness, career, sense of humor, etc will most probably not matter unless you come across sexually attractive. But that will matter to someone one day and he will like you because of all those things that really make you beautiful.
Dust yourself off
Finding it hard to trust my own mother – HELP:
Hi Lulu and Ladan. I hope you’re both well and are filled with blessings in the upcoming year.
Sorry for the long post
So I’m in my early 20’s and currently in Uni.
My dilemma is that I feel as though I can’t trust my own mum these days.
I live with both my parents and my siblings.
My father is a very strict somali man. There are many things that he views as shameful to even speak about. He doesn’t allow any of his kids to step out of line including me.
If we do, then we get punished.
My mum on the other hand has always been someone that I viewed as more relaxed and as someone that I could confide in and ask for advice.
Recently though, whatever I tell her, she tells my dad. And when my dad hears of whatever I have said, he gets very angry and hits me.
Most of the time, this is just stuff about advice on my future career or a certain friend or going to a certain venue with friends – not even haram places lol.
In front of me, she acts as though she’s cool with whatever I’m telling her about. She gives me advice on certain things and we get on with the rest of the day.
Also, these days my mum will tell him when the whole family is there and we’re all gathered. And he hurts me in front of the whole family.
She never stops him or defends me at all. Never tells him that whatever I said isn’t that deep. And she knows very well how he reacts to things so I don’t know why she does that wallahi.
I’m really confused and I don’t like to think that my mum is someone who will do something like that on purpose but sometimes I feel like it’s entertainment for her.
Should I never speak to my mum about my life or anything?
I am really sorry to hear that man. The way your parents treat you is so unfair and unkind, and I pray Allah swt grants you a safe haven. This honestly breaks my heart
All I can say is, extend grace your Mother. Yes she is an enabler but she is also a victim too. Your Mother is probably going through the exact same abuse you are experiencing. Have compassion. I know you are angry at her for not defending you, but sometimes its not that easy. She is probably doing the best she can with what she has. Perhaps she can’t leave your father for other reasons. Who will support her if she leaves? There are so many reasons why Mother’s do what they do, so give them that. It does not lessen or excuse or absolve them for the damage they did. Because excuses are not apologies. But not everything is black or white.
For now, just stop telling your parents, particularly your Mother about what goes on in your life. Don’t give anyone ammunition to use on you later. Find someone else to confide in and tell white lies if you need to.
However, be very careful that being private/lying to your parents don’t maninfest into your adult life. I say this because coping mechanisms you create from your household or childhood, can transform into real detrimental traits in the future. These things can trickle into your adult life and even marriage. I will give you an example. When you starting lying or hiding parts of the truth because you are worried about the reaction, suddenly lying now becomes easier to you than explaining yourself. You won’t realize it, but your coping mechanism from your childhood has now manifested. Another example, you hide the truth about something to your husband over something so small because you are worried about what he will say. A third person would say to you, this is silly, you are both adults and he does not own you. But this is learnt behavior now so you don’t know any different. It’s very odd how these things carry over into unnecessary situations, but unfortunately they do. That’s why we have to be very mindful.
Hi sis
Please help me with my dilemma.
I am 26 and about to be married very shortly. My man is 32 and is everything I could have ever wanted. He is kind, thoughtful generous and is very attractive. I am really excited to be with him.
This is where my dilemma starts. My man is very tall and well built – he is a gym rat. When he met me a year ago I was also a gym kinda girl. At that time I was around 55 kg and was carefully tracking my food, which is a massive Somali household you know can be quite difficult to do.
Recently I ballooned. I gained around 10kg which on my 5’5 frame was quite noticeable. My extended family when they saw me would regularly shade me and so would my mum. When his mum saw me after the weight gain she said ‘wow imagine how much she would gain after marriage and pregnancy’ followed by a shady mashallah Lool.
His and his family (and mine) now want a massive wedding and so did I before the weight gain. Right now I feel sad, insecure to have that wedding. Just feels like a massive place where people would talk about me. My fiancé has also been shading me by saying things like ‘damn girl someone’s greedy’ and also how he missed calling me ‘dhexyar’
What advice would you give me please sister? Please help me out as this has taken a toll on my mental psyche.
I’ve answered a similar question to this and I have the same views. If someone you are about to marry is making you feel insecure about your body, it will only get worse when you get married. Especially when his dusty family is in on it too.
Wallahi body dismorphia is a disease and this is exactly how it starts. Because even after you lose weight, you still won’t be happy. It will fester and live with you for a very long time. And it’ll be because of these seeds that are being planted in your ear.
The behaviours you describe are abusive. Someone who loves you strives to make you feel secure and valued. Not insecure at any given opportunity. And now look, it has gotten so bad you don’t even want a wedding. The fact his Mother is even making jokes is crazy in itself. I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the in laws were to shade you too.
This is sad man, because I can’t even say communicate to him. Because for the most part, people don’t change these types of personality flaws. Also, he doesn’t even deserve to see your whole body once you get married to him if this are his views on women, let alone the one he is about to marry. And truthfully, you will never feel comfortable being naked around him. It’s a lose lose for everyone involved. And you sure as hell won’t be comfortable after you have given birth.
You deserve to get married for someone who is going to love you as you are. 65KG is not big at all, not even close. Never ever allow somebody to damage the relationship you have with yourself. You have to live with yourself 24/7, and it shouldn’t be spent in shame and inferiority. Anybody who doesn’t respect your self-esteem is not worth your time.
What’s your opinion on female and male friends when in a relationship?
Pretty pointless. In my opinion, it’s not worth it to have mixed friendships in REAL LIFE.
Men will never really understand how to respect women’s boundaries unless it’s their Mother, Wife, Aunt or Sister and I think that is the problem. Anyone else they simply do not respect. Also wallahi it is crazy what guys will do when they are not used to being around girls. I will give you examples.
Constant questioning about your life: Wallahi men are so interested in what you do, who you see, where you go out to. And you think they’re being protective? Absolutely not, they just want to find out so they can gossip and imply that you’re a hoe later to their friends, just because you wear make up and know you’re most likely going to get attention from the opposite gender. Especially if you’re a non-hijabi, oh they will always think you’re a hoe.
They get jealous: When they see you date a man they would respect in real life, you know the ‘Big Bros’, they see you dating them as now being above them in social status. They take it as a slight, and will try find anyway to throw sly digs at you and your relationship.
They don’t know how to behave: I kid you not, I saw one guy play fight with a girl he was cool with and ended up slapping her bum. It was mental.
They take jokes too far: Just constantly being very hypercritical and talking about your appearance. The fact you wear make up. Even your body, your weight. Just borderline out of order. Also oh yeah, what I realised a lot of this is called ‘Negging” which is:
low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.
Because 80% of the guys that have ever commented on my appearance, or tried to take a knock at my confidence has tried to move to me at one point and the other 20% wish they could.
In some cases, men ain’t really your friends: They are just waiting for that moment they can take the friendship to the next level. Oh you know those guys that are giving you relationship advice whilst your with your man? They are wait patiently for him to fuck up.
But yeah in short (LMAO), I think in real life personal relationships with men are messy. It’s unnecessary wallahi, you get what you need from your girls. From someone who is a gamer, and most of the people I play online with are men (not many girls unfortunately), its strictly business. And because its online, no one really crosses boundaries because of that virtual distance. But in real life, you can’t place boundaries.
Hey girlies,
I have a dilemma. I’ve been talking to this guy for almost 3 years now and we’re thinking about getting married. Everything was going good between us two, but obviously our parents didn’t know we were talking/ together, and he thought that his parents probably wouldn’t accept me since I’m Somali (OG) and he’s a lander (Isaaq). His parents want him to bring home a good lander girl and I can’t even be upset cause my parents want me to bring home a good OG man and they both dislike each qabiil. The two of us don’t really care about that qabiil stuff but we know when it comes to our families they wouldn’t allow us to get married. He’s brought up the whole marrying non lander thing to his parents while we were on the phone and they both disapproved. He’s told me it’s not a big deal cause he still wants to be with me but slowly over time he’s been drifting away, and being cold to me, and I think it’s his parents getting to him. Idk what to do, should I just cut ties with him since he’s not being his old self anymore or should I continue being with him and hope everything goes right eventually?
My mum is a Lander, I lived in Hargeisa and I can’t lie to you, landers are very specific with the kind of spouses they want for their children. VERY. And unfortunately the main focus is qabil: they have got to be Lander. It’s really important for them and sometimes I actually get it. But I know some families can overdo it
Now it’s up to him to put his parent’s in their place and let them know that qabil has nothing to do with whether a spouse will be good and/or righteous. It’s stupid and outdated. I think he realises that in order for him to have this conversation with his parents, he has to be very confrontational. Unfortunately, not many men are up to that task. And I won’t lie, I’m not surprised. It is way easier for you to just find someone your parents want instead of going against the grain. But in that case, if he is not willing to fight for you, the he doesn’t truly love you. End of story. Because if he did, he wouldn’t give a flying f*** what his parents say. Especially seeing as men don’t need their parent’s blessing. As long as you are a practicing Muslim and have the potential to be an amazing wife is all that he should care about.
Perhaps him being cold is him directly telling you he is not willing to go against the grain. In that case, you shouldn’t have to beg someone to fight for you. You are worthy of being sought after regardless of what his traditional parents may think. And maybe this is a blessing for you, because regardless you are going to want a man who can stand up for his Wife. This man though is a coward.
Salam sister!
I wanted to get some advice on this guy I’ve been talking to for 2 years. We’ve been talking long distance for 2 years now and and I don’t know if I should continue. He’s sweet and all most of the time, family oriented, and has the same humour as me and all and all perfect for me. Him being oversees is the only bad thing in this and he’s told me before that I should keep my options open, yet gets upset when I do move on. As I’m still in school we made a promise to each other that we’ll wait until after I’m done my education to move onto the whole marriage thing but that’s gonna be 3+ years. He plans to come see me in a couple months but idk if I should just end it cause a lot of what he promises me are empty promises. Plus if I have to be honest to myself long distance is not something I can see myself doing for multiple years. I just want someone else’s opinion on if I should continue “being with him” because I can see myself ending up with him marriage wise or should I just drop it and find someone in my city?
Sis.
When a man tells you to ‘keep your options open’
Its been they’re discretely keeping their options open. Open your eyes and see the light! He makes you promises and doesn’t fulfil them. Open your eyes and see the light! He has been talking to you for 2 whole years and has no intention to see you? OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE THE BLUDCLART LIGHT! This man is wasting your time, and it could not be more obvious that he is not committed in this relationship at all.
Just because he gets a bit upset when you move on, doesn’t mean he wants you. He just wants you to be available. If you have moved on with someone else, you won’t be available. You feel me? I genuinely feel like he just likes the comfort of talking to someone he doesn’t have to commit to. The fact you live overseas is perfect. You are a pen pal he doesn’t have any responsibilities towards. You need to start seeing this for what it truly is, he is not the one mate. Far from it. I’m telling you in a years time, you will see his wedding being featured on SomaliBridal and the bride won’t be you.
Drop him and find someone in your city.
Hey girls, I need some advice on how to teach or tell a guy you are dating your love languages. He’s a lovely guy, good personality, very kind and caring but lacks initiative. He’s always waiting for me to lead and I’m starting to get annoyed. I’m a really awkward person when it comes to these conversations but it’s bothering me a lot so I just want to know how to approach the topic.
Communicate what you want from him: “Hey babe, although I love you so much, and I really appreciate how caring you are. I just would like you to take more initiative. I know you are probably just letting me decide things but I want you to do it too. Maybe plan a date for us?”
There are other ways you can teach your partner your love language for example
Shower your spouse with so much love unselfishly that eventually he will be begging for ways to reciprocate (as this is human nature). Give him compliments, acts of service (don’t overdo it). For example, if he was hungry or didn’t eat that day, when you meet up maybe bring him warm food. Only do it once or twice though. The more you do it, it won’t be that special.
Or learn to receive love in all five love languages. Do no limit yourself to just one or two. Then, you will no longer feel deprived, because you will be multilingual in love.
Hey ladies, thanks for helping us out with these questions. I have one major insecurity – I am losing my hair at a fast rate. It’s got to the point where I’ve been medically diagnosed with scarring alopecia, the type that can’t be solved by a hair transplant and once it scars, nothing can grow back. I’m taking medical ointments to reduce inflammation which reduces hair loss so that I can keep what I do have. At least I can make a ponytail but even then, I have huge bald spots that can’t be hidden. I’ve tried so many ways to hide them and it’s impossible.
I’m putting myself forward for marriage and it’s really getting me down. I’ve had dreams of having long hair out like my sisters out when I picture my imaginary wedding but I have to be realistic; I won’t be like that. You know, it’s kind of sad how a woman’s worth relates to her hair especially in the Somali community or even as a black woman. My mother does fuel my insecurity a bit by touching it and making comments. Think “ah ah ah, you’re balding more. Let’s get you some [insert fad oil]”. She’s trying to help but it’s not helpful especially when these oils don’t do squat for me. I still do them to make her a little happy. I just know they won’t get back what’s scarred over and is now smooth.
I’ve been looking at wigs; synthetic ones are halal based on the research I’ve made especially since this is a medical issue. I don’t want to really play with fire when looking at human hair wigs even though they look great and I’m not quite sure if there are any exemptions available. Anyway, using a wig also worries me since well, I don’t want to get any nasty comments from anyone. I mean, from people who visit my home and would be my mahram/women since I wear a hijab anyway. A lot of my family are fobs and I just know they wouldn’t understand; they’re the type to be a bit blunt and disrespectful with how they advise a person to conform to them.
Point is; I don’t want my future husband, whoever he may be, to like me less for basically being almost bald. He wouldn’t be able to see until after the nikkah and it could be a shock to the system for him *even* if I pre-warn him. I think if his reaction has any inkling of disappointment, I would take that personally. Anyway, how do you tell someone something like this? Right away? When you’re basically deciding to tie the knot? What if he thinks it’s okay when being told beforehand and regrets it after seeing?
Awww I am really sorry to hear that sis, but honestly, it is not that end of the world. There are so many solutions you can look at.
First stop wearing ponytails. Stop straining your hair or putting it in buns, keep it o natural. Just leave it as an afro or whatever. In fact, to stop it from detangling, after you leave the shower, put olive oil and leave in conditioner. Also don’t comb your hair, just detangle it. Then, we are gonna wear a silk hat to bed. Not sure what it is called but it’s a silk Hat. Wait, I think it’s called a bonnet LMAO. Also start taking a lot of iron, that’s good for hair growth. If you want to hide bald spots, you can always dye your hair. The dyed scalp will look like hair from a distance.
Also wigs girl. My hair got so damaged to the point I had to cut it so short in 2018 and I have been wearing wigs since. Now my hair is thicker and longer than some of the wigs I wear. Also no one really notices you’re wearing a wig when its installed really good. You’d be so surprised. I make my wigs look like how I wear my hair with extensions. Synthetic hair is getting very very better btw.
But remember, you don’t even have to wear wigs on a day to day basis if you are hijabi. You don’t even have to worry about your hair.
In regards to how your Husband will see you. I will give you the honest truth. In the beginning, you might have to keep up certain appearances, making sure your hair is nice, or you look really attractive. Because you’re not that comfortable with each other YET. But trust me, it doesn’t last that long. When you live with someone you get comfortable VERY VERY quickly.
I’m pretty sure at one point I had a wig on and it was hot, so you know what I did? I took it off in front of My husband and just walked around the house in cornrows. And these cornrows weren’t even cute ones. It was the one you see in GTA San Andreas. When I tell you we spent the first hour laughing. Especially because I was wearing a vest, he said I looked like Vin Diesel and just kept saying “It’s all about the Family.” If I said that I could be this comfortable to Lula 3 years ago, I would make myself sick. Especially when at that age I didn’t even feel comfortable not wearing concealer outsider. Now, I can count on my fingers how much I wear make up.
If you want my advice, don’t tell him straight away. When people are not comfortable with you yet, they are less inclined to overlook your flaws. But when you guys have lived together, and are comfortable, men really won’t care. Wallahi I wish I could say this to you in person, but trust me, couples get very comfortable with each other. You see the real parts of each other and accept it for what it is. Sis, you will be smelling each others morning breath, to me that’s the real deal looool if you can love me after my morning breath, you’ll love me no matter what.