Hi,
In terms of your husband’s emotional intelligence what were things that he did/say or didn’t do/say that made you clock that he’s EI? Also a spouse is very different to any other relationship, you’ll ever have so how would you suggest people (both men and woman ) work on their self to truly get to that intimate/caring/compassionate level with their partner.
Anytime I was upset about something and didn’t really know why I was overwhelmed. He simplified it to me and made me figure out what it was that was bothering me. That was kind of a big deal for me because I was just someone who as soon as I got overwhelmed, I just shrugged it off and firmed it. I never ever tried to find the real root cause of it. But yeah my Husband gave me all the tools I needed to figure out whatever it was that was bothering me.
I think it generally takes a man a while to learn how to be emotionally intelligent, it requires a lot of learning and living with a woman to know. My Husband only really had a high EI because he was mum and dad to his younger siblings for most his life. So its definitely circumstantial. And that is what usually teaches people to become more considerate and compassionate towards each other. When you want support from someone is typically when you get to see how emotionally intelligent they are.
For example: Are they empathetic, can they put themselves exactly in your shoes and treat you according to how they would like to be treated? Can they handle criticism without denial or being defensive? Do they apologise when they’re wrong? Do they see you being emotional and find solutions instead of leaving you to your own devices?
It requires a lot of communication and honesty in order to develop your EI. You have to be brutally honest when telling people what they did wrong and call them out on their behaviour. I feel like a lot of the reasons why men get away with their behaviour is because women avoid confrontation. It is easier to be passive. But unfortunately the only way they will learn is when you call them out on their bullshit.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey lovely May Allah reward you immensely for this love you . So I was speaking to a guy and he said he graduated uni with a degree in engineering but he would constantly even after he said he graduated would look for jobs that were kinda like basic ones such as Uber delivery/Bus driving/Security it’s so weird he constantly talks about how he spends so much money on family and how he does so much for his family finically wise but something isn’t adding up plus this guy wants me to be a stay at home wife when ik even with his degree he won’t be making enough where i have that financial freedom please give me advice.
It is incredibly hard to find jobs after Graduating.
You are essentially going through 8 interview stages, completing with 100’s of people. It is not that easy to find a job. Him letting you know that his family relies on him so much is probably why he doesn’t have time to apply for those jobs, when he could get something on the spot RIGHT NOW.
You need to have a little self awareness. Clearly this brother has a lot of burden placed on his shoulders. Him having to get a low-skilled job despite his degree should tell you right now he just doesn’t have the opportunity to apply and go through the intense interviewing process. Wallahi he is probably going through it right now. Inshallah his situation changes for him and he is able to utilise his degree.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis, so me and this guy have been talking for a little bit. He seems like a great guy and definitely checks all of my boxes. Comes from a great family, has great manners and is financially stable and more importantly is a practicing Muslim guy. Like every time we talk he teaches me something about the deen. Although when we first met he told me that he has a bad habit that he was battling with which is smoking weed. When I met him he said he hadn’t done it in months but could potentially slip up (even if he wasn’t planning to). Which he eventually did and he was honest about it. He did regret it and felt really ashamed because he really wants to stop and stop for his own sake. Which is good because I am a firm believer in not forcing someone to stop a bad habit for someone but rather themselves. He knows that I am not into that at all and I wouldn’t be able to take him serious unless he stops completely. He also doesn’t want to push this on me.. but says if he does get the urge to smoke that it would help if I distract him.. like just talk on the phone or text him. But he put the ball in my court for whether I would want to help him with that. I know he is serious about getting to know me and potentially getting married and has even told his parents about me. He is a kind hearted, gentle soul and within the first couple weeks of meeting me he even read Quran for me when I had insomnia so it could help me sleep.. like 🥺 Anyways my question is should I continue to get to know him and help him with this because he checks a lot of my boxes and is a genuine guy. Or should I just walk away?
– The first being, this balwaad (addiction) he has could be an even bigger deal than he’s making it. Not sure if you have seen or been around weed smokers but they make it very apparent they cannot survive without it. As someone who has hung around with weed smokers when I was younger, you won’t ever be able to get meaningful conversations out of them whilst they’re high. Honestly it will feel like you are talking to a brick wall. I had to give up on those friendships. Also they could be a totally different person in those moments, you wouldn’t know. Many Icks can be formed from seeing someone you like High. You also don’t know how much they spend on it. Many weed smokers spend a lot of money funding their habits, and it is an expensive one. Also it feels like it becomes their personality, they can’t function without a hit.
– The other way it can go tho is that he has genuinely stopped smoking, and that was a hiccup. And when he did previously smoke weed, he was a responsible smoker. And it was a reward to himself rather than a necessity. And now that he stopped, even when he falls back on, its once in a blue moon. That to me is fine, as long as he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to bring it around you. But knows as soon as he asks for your hand, that this weed thing is a distant memory.
The way you talk about this man is honestly as if he is the best thing ever. Maybe you are what he needs. Sometimes Allah swt brings people into your life for a reason. He probably has always tried to stop 100% but maybe now you can be that reason for him to stop for good. Support him if he genuinely wants to stop. If it’s an addiction, reconsider
Anon
3 years ago
For those asking for resources on learning Somali (not me dashing out advice when I’m Hooyo mataalo too 😭)
– watch a lot of Somali YouTube be it random street vlogs or lectures/tafsir this helped me sooo much . You really pick up on the nuances of the language + they’re hilarious wallahi even our shuyookh 🤣
– try to speak it more even if you sound like a beg, just do it , and it doesn’t have to be sentences
– Somali.hub on Instagram are doing some courses for (sent them a DM!)
Haha thank you! I’m definitely gonna be needing this
Anon
3 years ago
Hey, I hope all is well with you.
I’ve been talking to this guy for 2 months, we’ve gone on several dates (6+) and he’s let me know what his intentions about us for the future however one of my main love languages is gifts and i haven’t received a gift yet.
I know I should discuss my love language with him but that’s me basically telling him I want a gift. It doesn’t have to be a big gift, like flowers will be enough. My question for you is how do I go about this? I’m just confused. Thank you once again.
OMG at first I was going to cuss you out until I saw you said you just want flowers LMAO. Because 6+ dates asking for gifts was crazy to me. Phew.
Anyways, you just got to say it. A big part of getting what you want is asking. Those who don’t ask, don’t get.
“I really like flowers, you should surprise me with them one day”
All this surprise gifting you see is not really a surprise, most of those couples have in-depth conversations about gifts. You have to be very clear with want you want, and say it in advance. On my birthday I want this etc.
Even in general, talk about all the things you like when you get to know someone. Maybe he does actually want to gift you, he just might not know how. Also tell him why that matters to you. For example, “You getting me something that’s sentimental makes me feel really special”.
Sometimes you gotta guide them a bit
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis, I’ve been talking to my perfect man now for over a year and a bit we have spoken about marriage and he has mentioned how he wants to come to ask for my hand and talk to my parents soon. I have immense love for him and I want to be with him so badly but I can’t help but feel absolutely terrified. I’m so scared I don’t really have anyone to talk to about any of these things it’s just been my sister but she’s younger than me and she has no clue about anything to do with marriage apart from the general stuff. I’m scared of the unknown i keep making dua to ilaahi & asking for guidance but i feel like my stomach and heart are just going to drop out on the floor. I guess im just scared of what life will be like and because im in my early twenties there’s still so much I want to do and experience. I don’t want to rush into anything or miss out on things once I get married but at the same time I don’t want to risk losing him. Do you have any sort of words to help call my fears xx
I feel like I am honestly listening to my younger self. This is exactly what I went through. Almost everything about marriage scared the shits out of me. I didn’t want to just be a Wife, I wanted to do something with myself. I didn’t want to my life to revolves around the 4 walls of my home. I really wanted more, but wallahi sometimes the biggest irony of life is Allah swt will give you something you never wanted and it be the exact opposite of what you feared. I am convinced the image I had of marriage was the life I had when I was unmarried. Right now, anything I want I can do.
I know where my apprehensions towards marriage initially came from. I spent my whole life being the youngest one for a long time. All I knew was how to be a daughter and even then I wasn’t a great one. Yeah when my family needed me for help, I was the person you called, but I didn’t really know how to cook or clean, or anything domestic related. I didn’t have the qualities to be ‘a Wife’. I just feel like it was something I couldn’t do.
But looking back I had every quality of being a Wife, I just didn’t realise it. I used to feel the same way about Motherhood too, honestly I was convinced I’d be a shit mum. But if you saw me with my nieces and nephews, you wouldn’t ever think so. The point I am trying to say is wallahi we don’t give credit to ourselves. I realized I was being so harsh with myself. The first month of being married I feel like I had imposter syndrome. But afterwards, I realised just because I didn’t set out being a married woman my whole life, didn’t mean I wasn’t qualified for it.
As an anxious person, I know what it’s like when the exact thing you’ve wanted happens and then your brain has all this pent up anxiety about it and instead of feeling relieved/excited, it processes as “WHAT IF I FAIL AT THE ONE THING I WANTED SO BAD”. The anxiousness you go through post engagement/wedding is crazy! Anything can make you upset. Honestly one time I was watching a movie with my husband and I burst out crying because I thought in another multi-universe where we wouldn’t have met each other had I not gone out and met him LOL I was so unreasonably emotional. And wallahi Ladan reassured me so much, just kept saying it’s normal, this is how you react to change etc and wallahi it was nothing but facts!
When you finally get adjusted, you will be so sure that this is right for you. The mere thought of not having that person at your side as you walk through life will be unbearable. Knowing that they feel the same way with you will change your life. You literally get to spend each and every day with your favorite person.
You may be convinced that you’re scared shitless, but everything you’ve written indicate to me that you’re ready. You’re self-aware and take the time to self-reflect and the fact that you know what scares you about it is already proof positive that you’re going to be just fine. If you are worried about having kids, and it stopping your career- you don’t have to have them now. I feel like waiting for those milestones are the best way to stop you from feeling like you’re missing out. If that makes sense?
Don’t hold yourself back!
Anon
3 years ago
Asc sis, it’s honestly hard for me to even ask about this but I don’t wanna torment myself with different ideas. I am married for almost a year now and my husband is such a sweetheart. He is really caring and is a very good guy. It was an arranged marriage and it went well. But we are currently in different countries to both further our education. But the thing is we had dated for almost 6 months before marriage and married for almost a year now and none of us has said the “L” word. I think about it alot and it makes me wonder why, I tell myself maybe he will tell me when we reunite, but that won’t be soon either. He texts and calls me almost every day and we talk for hours. His words are affectionate and I don’t doubt that he likes me. But the thing is I don’t know if he loves me because he hasn’t told me that? yet? I feel very ungrateful and hate when I think of it this way. Then I start to think we wouldn’t be married if he didn’t like me, but somehow I start to think it is possible to marry someone without liking them?. Something my mom taught me is marriage will only work if the man likes the woman more. This gets me very worried because I believe it’s the truth. Idk if it sounds prideful but I promised myself I would never say it first. But sometimes I get so insecure that I get the urge to just tell him and I am pretty sure he would say it back but what I really really desire is for him to say it first. I believe it’s more sincere if he says it first, not that responding to it is insincere. I feel like I am being petty but I really want it. I ask Allah to ease my heart and it will happen one day but I overthink ALOT. it’s very important for me to hear it. I don’t really know what to do anymore and I feel bad. Please advice me and thanks sis 💞
I know you are overwhelmed, and maybe you just need to hear it from a third party. But he probably hasn’t gotten there yet, and there is a logical reason as to why.
Loving someone, that feeling comes after spending a lot of time together. It’s different to just being on the phone to each other. It’s the physical bond of being together all the time, is what allows couples to get to the love stage quite quickly.
Its like Love Islanders when they say I Love You after 6 weeks. Those 6 weeks inside the villa are like 6 months. When you are together all the time, you might grow stronger because you are dependant on each other for survival and companionship. Does that make sense?
Right now you guys are doing long distance, and he went just as you got married. You didn’t have enough time together for your relationship to gel. I completely understand where you are coming from though, I think it would be very normal for you to feel this way. Of course! Why wouldn’t he say I love you, we’re married! But this is not a conventional relationship, some stages are going to be different and not in the traditional sense. Right now you should focus on building a connection overseas.
Sometimes surprise visit each other. Or maybe send him really nice pictures of you throughout the day. Try go above and beyond to make up for lost time. Honestly if I was you, on the weekend I book a flight to go see him. You guys are married. Go for it
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis, I have a man that I’ve been seeing for a while who I love dearly and he’s really kind to me. I often read your advice and I see that you strongly agree with the statement that ‘love is not enough’ when it comes to marriage – which I have to say I agree with definetkybfrom a logical sense. However, this has put me in a huge dilemma as it’s made me realise that sadly my bf (my potential future hubby) has NOTHING else to offer me apart from love and being a sweet person, which makes me question our entire relationship. Shouldn’t marriages be mutually beneficial? I feel guilty for thinking this way but truth be told he can’t offer me anything apart from love (he’s quite broke and not very religious) . Is love really not enough or am I truly setting myself up for failure? Please help a sis put it would mean the world to me!❤️❤️
– He’s not quite religious
– He is not financially stable
Both are not permanent character flaws; he can work on these if he wants to. But he has to want it for himself. You wanting this for him though does nothing. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. If he want’s to fix up for you, you can’t make him.
You haven’t said how old he is. Is he young, is he 21, 22? Sorry to tell you but young men are probably not going to have their shit together by then. But yes, you are right, love is not enough. It has to make sense. But no one said you have to get married now. You guys can wait, until you are both financially stable with good careers behind you. People make it seem like waiting is the worst case scenario, ARE YOU CRAZY? In almost any case, it brings you the best results. Because you won’t feel resentment towards each other for not bringing what you both want.
In regards to deciding whether you still want to be with him, you have to be honest with yourself. Regardless of how much he works hard, is that going to be enough for you? Wallahi you should cut him some slack a little bit, when someone is kind and incredibly loving, that is worth a lot. If he can be those things, and someone who works really hard, maybe in the future your paths will align. But right now, its not making sense. Let him focus on bettering himself. And in turn he could be a better man for you
Anon
3 years ago
hey sis, how I will I know if someone is ‘the one’? is all that cliche nonsense about ‘feeling it in your heart’ true or is it more of a check list/compatibility?
But the cliché ‘I knew he/she was the one the very moment we met’ is definitely unrealistic. It’s undeniably developed over time and you have to experience a lot with each other for it to be that. Not that I’m romanticising suffering, but hard times do really bring people closer. Its easy to be in love when everything is right in your life. But there is only one way when you’ll know if the love is truly unconditional with no bounds.
A lot of couples that I know, always say to me that its usually when a big life event happens in their life, those are the moments where they have realized they have found ‘the one’. When you experience pregnancy and you see how this person deals with you, holds your hand through labour, dealing with a loss, depression, sickness etc. Or even someone you have lived with for such a long time and they become an extension of you. When a person sticks by you through everything, they really do become ‘the one’. And the realisation is not something like fireworks going off in the back of your head, it feels more calm, more grounded. The one you chose, the one you are committed to. And that they choose you back in return. You’re just like yeahhh this one is for me man. And I honestly feel like it is a feeling and it is developed over time.
This is why I say generally that new couples should give themselves grace. Just because it doesn’t feel so intense and all lovey dovey in the beginning doesn’t mean it won’t be like that in the future. It’s like when you start a job. The first few months up until a year, you’re on your best behavior. You haven’t really made friends, you’re not quite comfortable yet. Everything is fucking awkward, but wait until you’re there for 2 years. Those people who have been in a job for 2+ years will know what real job comfortability is like. Coming late, making great relationships at work, bantering with staff you couldn’t hold a 3 min conversation with. Do you see where I am going here? Point is, it just takes a while to develop and get comfortable in relationships. It doesn’t happen straight away.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis , so I’ve been with my mcm for two years almost three now but he’s been sooo weird with me like controlling and all up in my business 24/s and recently I’ve been going out with my bestie a lot more and he’s been having so many issue with it and me being with her all the time as he considers her a hoe anyways I never tell her that because I don’t want it make it a thing as she will be my friend regardless and our relationship has just been going downhill like he’s just not the same and I’ve just started to loose feelings slowly as he distances himself and I really think he’s cheated or some some weird shit like he’s acting mad insecure I’ve tried to speak to him so many times but i e just given up any advice on how I should approach this.
When you search up abusers and what they do in order to get more control over their partners, this is what they do. They are eager to get you as far away from your friends and family without making it too obvious. They will make up assumptions, sly reasons why you should stop associating with them. How does he know she’s a ‘hoe’. I am more inclined to think the only reason he thinks that of her is because he is just jealous you spend time with her. Also does he try to limit the time you spend with her? Does it sound a bit like this:
“Babe I really wanted to surprise you with a motive at the exact same time as your plans, why are you out with her, when you could be with me?”
This continues and escalates over time until you’ve drifted apart from all the people who might have warned you against the relationship. Probably like what this friend did. He knows that, so by telling you to distance yourself from her, it works in his favour. Because now theres no one to oppose him.
You’ve been with him for almost 3 years. Where is this relationship going? Have you guys even spoken about that? That is usually the mark where its kinda like so where we heading?.
Instead what this looks like is you both are naturally drifting apart, and he is finding techniques to make sure you are not going anywhere. You need to decide where this is going for you.
Hi,
In terms of your husband’s emotional intelligence what were things that he did/say or didn’t do/say that made you clock that he’s EI? Also a spouse is very different to any other relationship, you’ll ever have so how would you suggest people (both men and woman ) work on their self to truly get to that intimate/caring/compassionate level with their partner.
Anytime I was upset about something and didn’t really know why I was overwhelmed. He simplified it to me and made me figure out what it was that was bothering me. That was kind of a big deal for me because I was just someone who as soon as I got overwhelmed, I just shrugged it off and firmed it. I never ever tried to find the real root cause of it. But yeah my Husband gave me all the tools I needed to figure out whatever it was that was bothering me.
I think it generally takes a man a while to learn how to be emotionally intelligent, it requires a lot of learning and living with a woman to know. My Husband only really had a high EI because he was mum and dad to his younger siblings for most his life. So its definitely circumstantial. And that is what usually teaches people to become more considerate and compassionate towards each other. When you want support from someone is typically when you get to see how emotionally intelligent they are.
For example: Are they empathetic, can they put themselves exactly in your shoes and treat you according to how they would like to be treated? Can they handle criticism without denial or being defensive? Do they apologise when they’re wrong? Do they see you being emotional and find solutions instead of leaving you to your own devices?
It requires a lot of communication and honesty in order to develop your EI. You have to be brutally honest when telling people what they did wrong and call them out on their behaviour. I feel like a lot of the reasons why men get away with their behaviour is because women avoid confrontation. It is easier to be passive. But unfortunately the only way they will learn is when you call them out on their bullshit.
Hey lovely May Allah reward you immensely for this love you . So I was speaking to a guy and he said he graduated uni with a degree in engineering but he would constantly even after he said he graduated would look for jobs that were kinda like basic ones such as Uber delivery/Bus driving/Security it’s so weird he constantly talks about how he spends so much money on family and how he does so much for his family finically wise but something isn’t adding up plus this guy wants me to be a stay at home wife when ik even with his degree he won’t be making enough where i have that financial freedom please give me advice.
Ameen sis and Thank you!
It is incredibly hard to find jobs after Graduating.
You are essentially going through 8 interview stages, completing with 100’s of people. It is not that easy to find a job. Him letting you know that his family relies on him so much is probably why he doesn’t have time to apply for those jobs, when he could get something on the spot RIGHT NOW.
You need to have a little self awareness. Clearly this brother has a lot of burden placed on his shoulders. Him having to get a low-skilled job despite his degree should tell you right now he just doesn’t have the opportunity to apply and go through the intense interviewing process. Wallahi he is probably going through it right now. Inshallah his situation changes for him and he is able to utilise his degree.
Hey sis, so me and this guy have been talking for a little bit. He seems like a great guy and definitely checks all of my boxes. Comes from a great family, has great manners and is financially stable and more importantly is a practicing Muslim guy. Like every time we talk he teaches me something about the deen. Although when we first met he told me that he has a bad habit that he was battling with which is smoking weed. When I met him he said he hadn’t done it in months but could potentially slip up (even if he wasn’t planning to). Which he eventually did and he was honest about it. He did regret it and felt really ashamed because he really wants to stop and stop for his own sake. Which is good because I am a firm believer in not forcing someone to stop a bad habit for someone but rather themselves. He knows that I am not into that at all and I wouldn’t be able to take him serious unless he stops completely. He also doesn’t want to push this on me.. but says if he does get the urge to smoke that it would help if I distract him.. like just talk on the phone or text him. But he put the ball in my court for whether I would want to help him with that. I know he is serious about getting to know me and potentially getting married and has even told his parents about me. He is a kind hearted, gentle soul and within the first couple weeks of meeting me he even read Quran for me when I had insomnia so it could help me sleep.. like 🥺 Anyways my question is should I continue to get to know him and help him with this because he checks a lot of my boxes and is a genuine guy. Or should I just walk away?
It can go two ways honestly:
– The first being, this balwaad (addiction) he has could be an even bigger deal than he’s making it. Not sure if you have seen or been around weed smokers but they make it very apparent they cannot survive without it. As someone who has hung around with weed smokers when I was younger, you won’t ever be able to get meaningful conversations out of them whilst they’re high. Honestly it will feel like you are talking to a brick wall. I had to give up on those friendships. Also they could be a totally different person in those moments, you wouldn’t know. Many Icks can be formed from seeing someone you like High. You also don’t know how much they spend on it. Many weed smokers spend a lot of money funding their habits, and it is an expensive one. Also it feels like it becomes their personality, they can’t function without a hit.
– The other way it can go tho is that he has genuinely stopped smoking, and that was a hiccup. And when he did previously smoke weed, he was a responsible smoker. And it was a reward to himself rather than a necessity. And now that he stopped, even when he falls back on, its once in a blue moon. That to me is fine, as long as he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to bring it around you. But knows as soon as he asks for your hand, that this weed thing is a distant memory.
The way you talk about this man is honestly as if he is the best thing ever. Maybe you are what he needs. Sometimes Allah swt brings people into your life for a reason. He probably has always tried to stop 100% but maybe now you can be that reason for him to stop for good. Support him if he genuinely wants to stop. If it’s an addiction, reconsider
For those asking for resources on learning Somali (not me dashing out advice when I’m Hooyo mataalo too 😭)
– watch a lot of Somali YouTube be it random street vlogs or lectures/tafsir this helped me sooo much . You really pick up on the nuances of the language + they’re hilarious wallahi even our shuyookh 🤣
– try to speak it more even if you sound like a beg, just do it , and it doesn’t have to be sentences
– Somali.hub on Instagram are doing some courses for (sent them a DM!)
Haha thank you! I’m definitely gonna be needing this
Hey, I hope all is well with you.
I’ve been talking to this guy for 2 months, we’ve gone on several dates (6+) and he’s let me know what his intentions about us for the future however one of my main love languages is gifts and i haven’t received a gift yet.
I know I should discuss my love language with him but that’s me basically telling him I want a gift. It doesn’t have to be a big gift, like flowers will be enough. My question for you is how do I go about this? I’m just confused. Thank you once again.
OMG at first I was going to cuss you out until I saw you said you just want flowers LMAO. Because 6+ dates asking for gifts was crazy to me. Phew.
Anyways, you just got to say it. A big part of getting what you want is asking. Those who don’t ask, don’t get.
“I really like flowers, you should surprise me with them one day”
All this surprise gifting you see is not really a surprise, most of those couples have in-depth conversations about gifts. You have to be very clear with want you want, and say it in advance. On my birthday I want this etc.
Even in general, talk about all the things you like when you get to know someone. Maybe he does actually want to gift you, he just might not know how. Also tell him why that matters to you. For example, “You getting me something that’s sentimental makes me feel really special”.
Sometimes you gotta guide them a bit
Hey sis, I’ve been talking to my perfect man now for over a year and a bit we have spoken about marriage and he has mentioned how he wants to come to ask for my hand and talk to my parents soon. I have immense love for him and I want to be with him so badly but I can’t help but feel absolutely terrified. I’m so scared I don’t really have anyone to talk to about any of these things it’s just been my sister but she’s younger than me and she has no clue about anything to do with marriage apart from the general stuff. I’m scared of the unknown i keep making dua to ilaahi & asking for guidance but i feel like my stomach and heart are just going to drop out on the floor. I guess im just scared of what life will be like and because im in my early twenties there’s still so much I want to do and experience. I don’t want to rush into anything or miss out on things once I get married but at the same time I don’t want to risk losing him. Do you have any sort of words to help call my fears xx
Awwwwww
I feel like I am honestly listening to my younger self. This is exactly what I went through. Almost everything about marriage scared the shits out of me. I didn’t want to just be a Wife, I wanted to do something with myself. I didn’t want to my life to revolves around the 4 walls of my home. I really wanted more, but wallahi sometimes the biggest irony of life is Allah swt will give you something you never wanted and it be the exact opposite of what you feared. I am convinced the image I had of marriage was the life I had when I was unmarried. Right now, anything I want I can do.
I know where my apprehensions towards marriage initially came from. I spent my whole life being the youngest one for a long time. All I knew was how to be a daughter and even then I wasn’t a great one. Yeah when my family needed me for help, I was the person you called, but I didn’t really know how to cook or clean, or anything domestic related. I didn’t have the qualities to be ‘a Wife’. I just feel like it was something I couldn’t do.
But looking back I had every quality of being a Wife, I just didn’t realise it. I used to feel the same way about Motherhood too, honestly I was convinced I’d be a shit mum. But if you saw me with my nieces and nephews, you wouldn’t ever think so. The point I am trying to say is wallahi we don’t give credit to ourselves. I realized I was being so harsh with myself. The first month of being married I feel like I had imposter syndrome. But afterwards, I realised just because I didn’t set out being a married woman my whole life, didn’t mean I wasn’t qualified for it.
As an anxious person, I know what it’s like when the exact thing you’ve wanted happens and then your brain has all this pent up anxiety about it and instead of feeling relieved/excited, it processes as “WHAT IF I FAIL AT THE ONE THING I WANTED SO BAD”. The anxiousness you go through post engagement/wedding is crazy! Anything can make you upset. Honestly one time I was watching a movie with my husband and I burst out crying because I thought in another multi-universe where we wouldn’t have met each other had I not gone out and met him LOL I was so unreasonably emotional. And wallahi Ladan reassured me so much, just kept saying it’s normal, this is how you react to change etc and wallahi it was nothing but facts!
When you finally get adjusted, you will be so sure that this is right for you. The mere thought of not having that person at your side as you walk through life will be unbearable. Knowing that they feel the same way with you will change your life. You literally get to spend each and every day with your favorite person.
You may be convinced that you’re scared shitless, but everything you’ve written indicate to me that you’re ready. You’re self-aware and take the time to self-reflect and the fact that you know what scares you about it is already proof positive that you’re going to be just fine. If you are worried about having kids, and it stopping your career- you don’t have to have them now. I feel like waiting for those milestones are the best way to stop you from feeling like you’re missing out. If that makes sense?
Don’t hold yourself back!
Asc sis, it’s honestly hard for me to even ask about this but I don’t wanna torment myself with different ideas. I am married for almost a year now and my husband is such a sweetheart. He is really caring and is a very good guy. It was an arranged marriage and it went well. But we are currently in different countries to both further our education. But the thing is we had dated for almost 6 months before marriage and married for almost a year now and none of us has said the “L” word. I think about it alot and it makes me wonder why, I tell myself maybe he will tell me when we reunite, but that won’t be soon either. He texts and calls me almost every day and we talk for hours. His words are affectionate and I don’t doubt that he likes me. But the thing is I don’t know if he loves me because he hasn’t told me that? yet? I feel very ungrateful and hate when I think of it this way. Then I start to think we wouldn’t be married if he didn’t like me, but somehow I start to think it is possible to marry someone without liking them?. Something my mom taught me is marriage will only work if the man likes the woman more. This gets me very worried because I believe it’s the truth. Idk if it sounds prideful but I promised myself I would never say it first. But sometimes I get so insecure that I get the urge to just tell him and I am pretty sure he would say it back but what I really really desire is for him to say it first. I believe it’s more sincere if he says it first, not that responding to it is insincere. I feel like I am being petty but I really want it. I ask Allah to ease my heart and it will happen one day but I overthink ALOT. it’s very important for me to hear it. I don’t really know what to do anymore and I feel bad. Please advice me and thanks sis 💞
I know you are overwhelmed, and maybe you just need to hear it from a third party. But he probably hasn’t gotten there yet, and there is a logical reason as to why.
Loving someone, that feeling comes after spending a lot of time together. It’s different to just being on the phone to each other. It’s the physical bond of being together all the time, is what allows couples to get to the love stage quite quickly.
Its like Love Islanders when they say I Love You after 6 weeks. Those 6 weeks inside the villa are like 6 months. When you are together all the time, you might grow stronger because you are dependant on each other for survival and companionship. Does that make sense?
Right now you guys are doing long distance, and he went just as you got married. You didn’t have enough time together for your relationship to gel. I completely understand where you are coming from though, I think it would be very normal for you to feel this way. Of course! Why wouldn’t he say I love you, we’re married! But this is not a conventional relationship, some stages are going to be different and not in the traditional sense. Right now you should focus on building a connection overseas.
Sometimes surprise visit each other. Or maybe send him really nice pictures of you throughout the day. Try go above and beyond to make up for lost time. Honestly if I was you, on the weekend I book a flight to go see him. You guys are married. Go for it
Hey sis, I have a man that I’ve been seeing for a while who I love dearly and he’s really kind to me. I often read your advice and I see that you strongly agree with the statement that ‘love is not enough’ when it comes to marriage – which I have to say I agree with definetkybfrom a logical sense. However, this has put me in a huge dilemma as it’s made me realise that sadly my bf (my potential future hubby) has NOTHING else to offer me apart from love and being a sweet person, which makes me question our entire relationship. Shouldn’t marriages be mutually beneficial? I feel guilty for thinking this way but truth be told he can’t offer me anything apart from love (he’s quite broke and not very religious) . Is love really not enough or am I truly setting myself up for failure? Please help a sis put it would mean the world to me!❤️❤️
You have issues with two things here:
– He’s not quite religious
– He is not financially stable
Both are not permanent character flaws; he can work on these if he wants to. But he has to want it for himself. You wanting this for him though does nothing. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. If he want’s to fix up for you, you can’t make him.
You haven’t said how old he is. Is he young, is he 21, 22? Sorry to tell you but young men are probably not going to have their shit together by then. But yes, you are right, love is not enough. It has to make sense. But no one said you have to get married now. You guys can wait, until you are both financially stable with good careers behind you. People make it seem like waiting is the worst case scenario, ARE YOU CRAZY? In almost any case, it brings you the best results. Because you won’t feel resentment towards each other for not bringing what you both want.
In regards to deciding whether you still want to be with him, you have to be honest with yourself. Regardless of how much he works hard, is that going to be enough for you? Wallahi you should cut him some slack a little bit, when someone is kind and incredibly loving, that is worth a lot. If he can be those things, and someone who works really hard, maybe in the future your paths will align. But right now, its not making sense. Let him focus on bettering himself. And in turn he could be a better man for you
hey sis, how I will I know if someone is ‘the one’? is all that cliche nonsense about ‘feeling it in your heart’ true or is it more of a check list/compatibility?
It’s different for everyone.
But the cliché ‘I knew he/she was the one the very moment we met’ is definitely unrealistic. It’s undeniably developed over time and you have to experience a lot with each other for it to be that. Not that I’m romanticising suffering, but hard times do really bring people closer. Its easy to be in love when everything is right in your life. But there is only one way when you’ll know if the love is truly unconditional with no bounds.
A lot of couples that I know, always say to me that its usually when a big life event happens in their life, those are the moments where they have realized they have found ‘the one’. When you experience pregnancy and you see how this person deals with you, holds your hand through labour, dealing with a loss, depression, sickness etc. Or even someone you have lived with for such a long time and they become an extension of you. When a person sticks by you through everything, they really do become ‘the one’. And the realisation is not something like fireworks going off in the back of your head, it feels more calm, more grounded. The one you chose, the one you are committed to. And that they choose you back in return. You’re just like yeahhh this one is for me man. And I honestly feel like it is a feeling and it is developed over time.
This is why I say generally that new couples should give themselves grace. Just because it doesn’t feel so intense and all lovey dovey in the beginning doesn’t mean it won’t be like that in the future. It’s like when you start a job. The first few months up until a year, you’re on your best behavior. You haven’t really made friends, you’re not quite comfortable yet. Everything is fucking awkward, but wait until you’re there for 2 years. Those people who have been in a job for 2+ years will know what real job comfortability is like. Coming late, making great relationships at work, bantering with staff you couldn’t hold a 3 min conversation with. Do you see where I am going here? Point is, it just takes a while to develop and get comfortable in relationships. It doesn’t happen straight away.
Hey sis , so I’ve been with my mcm for two years almost three now but he’s been sooo weird with me like controlling and all up in my business 24/s and recently I’ve been going out with my bestie a lot more and he’s been having so many issue with it and me being with her all the time as he considers her a hoe anyways I never tell her that because I don’t want it make it a thing as she will be my friend regardless and our relationship has just been going downhill like he’s just not the same and I’ve just started to loose feelings slowly as he distances himself and I really think he’s cheated or some some weird shit like he’s acting mad insecure I’ve tried to speak to him so many times but i e just given up any advice on how I should approach this.
When you search up abusers and what they do in order to get more control over their partners, this is what they do. They are eager to get you as far away from your friends and family without making it too obvious. They will make up assumptions, sly reasons why you should stop associating with them. How does he know she’s a ‘hoe’. I am more inclined to think the only reason he thinks that of her is because he is just jealous you spend time with her. Also does he try to limit the time you spend with her? Does it sound a bit like this:
“Babe I really wanted to surprise you with a motive at the exact same time as your plans, why are you out with her, when you could be with me?”
This continues and escalates over time until you’ve drifted apart from all the people who might have warned you against the relationship. Probably like what this friend did. He knows that, so by telling you to distance yourself from her, it works in his favour. Because now theres no one to oppose him.
You’ve been with him for almost 3 years. Where is this relationship going? Have you guys even spoken about that? That is usually the mark where its kinda like so where we heading?.
Instead what this looks like is you both are naturally drifting apart, and he is finding techniques to make sure you are not going anywhere. You need to decide where this is going for you.