Hi.
So, I broke up with this guy six months ago cos of his Salah. I’ve always dreamt of marrying someone stronger than me in the religion. He was still struggling; after us designing ways for him to become more consistent after 1+ years of the relationship. But, on the other hand, I think I was frustrated with not much growth over the time and impulsive with breaking up with him. Not much growth was made and he still had a lot of issues with completing his Salah. And tbh because there wasn’t much of a positive influence on his side, I was dropping too religiously.
I know it’ll be a tad irresponsible to go back to him and still try to “fix him” and help him be better. But I love him. I really love him and six months plus after breakup, despite the no-contact we’re doing, I miss him so much and still have sweet dreams about him. I’ve had some achievements and a lot of good news after the breakup and he’s always the first person I want to tell.
He was not privileged to grow up with the kind of consciously religious parents i was privileged with. His siblings are agnostic, he’s the youngest child and doesn’t have so much to look up to. I’m also feeling a bit guilty that I’m letting him down when I could helpālike I gave up on himābecause I’ve heard successful stories of women reverting men they love and helping them become better in the Deen.
Is it just my emotions clouding my common sense? Or i could rekindle what we had, help him and be more patient? Is 1 year and 2 months enough time for him to have got better? PS; i knew about him needing help with the Deen before agreeing to get into the relationship cos I really liked him, but the extent of that I didn’t (It was a long-distance relationship during the pandemic)
I’m really glad you gave me context. You are absolutely right, he was not privileged with the type of upbringing as you. Although a man is meant to lead, most of the time there is really a woman behind him encouraging to move forward. If you truly, and i really men truly love him, you will push him.
It is definitely easier to be harsh but if this is the only problem you are having, then it can be fixed. Everyone’s imaan fluctuates, like you said, yours did too at one point. As long as he doesn’t have any balwaads [addictions], then this is fixable in my opinion.
Obviously don’t put your entire heart into this, because if he does fail you, you don’t want to feel like thats on you. But just make him feels as if there is someone behind him, pushing him. Awww I really feel for him man. He didn’t grow up in an environment where his faith could ever flourish. Be that person if you can to slowly bring him back into Islam properly. Start slow
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girls, Iām 25 turning 26 and I just feel completely stagnant in life. I still have no degree, no car and live with my parents. Iāve never dated and Iām not interested in getting an arranged marriage so I have to find someone organically soon. I donāt know what I want to do career wise either. Is it normal to feel like this so close to 30? I see my friends married with kids and firmly settled in their careers but Iām still here trying hard to find my niche. Itās even more pressure since in desi culture thereās a big pressure to follow the normal timeline and not fall behind so I feel like a black sheep. I also know iām not doing enough to change my situation. I donāt know what to do or how to get myself out of this hole of misery that iām currently in. Please donāt give me fluffy advice, I want cold hard truth.
If you feel stagnant in life, nothing is going to make you happy until you change it. That is me being brutally honest. Wallahi no words of comfort from people will stop you from feeling this way. Nothing is going to make you truly happy. You will only be content when you do something about it, so do it.
– Forget marriage, there are other areas in your life that can be more fruitful and beneficial to you if you just find balance and focus. Get your license, I know it seems scary but look at how many people are driving their cars. If they can, you can absolutely do it.
– Go back to Uni, do a short course, something that will make you feel more fulfilled! We all went through it and guess what, its not as hard as people make it out to be. You are going to be 30 anyway, might as well be 30 with a degree. You feel me?
– Find something you are passionate about and do it! Don’t even do it for monetary gain, do it because it makes you happy.
– Stop looking at your friends. Wallahi that will not benefit you in any shape or form, look forward and onwards. The only way is up baby!
Honestly stop living for the sake of living and just lIVE. Stop being a passenger in your life.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis, Tips on how to deal with a jealous and evil older sister.
Unfortunately theres not much you can do other than ignore her. Sometimes you canāt fix relationships when people are genuinely committed to just hating you.
Make your boundaries clear, if you don’t share a room with her, get a lock. Stop doing her serious favours if she isn’t returning them. Just stop letting sisters use you. You are not obligated to help anyone. Also helping people give the ammo they need to abuse it.
I would not tolerate when she starts acting up around you. Just stop talking to her when she does this and get away from her. Make it clear you have no intention of being around her when she’s like this. Because she will be friendly to you and just do it again.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey Ladies, I saw a question a while back and wondered if you could expain or provide some more examples. It was how to romanticise your life. I try to journal, gym, dress nice, take long baths and have self-care days but I still find myself thinking I could or should be doing more. I often feel like life is passing me by :/
Make yourself at routine in the morning. Wake up early and have a few hours in the day where youāre just by yourself and youāre not rushing.
Make some real breakfast in the morning and enjoy your coffee. Pray Fajr. Go gym if you need to.
Wallahi it really is down to how you start your dad. If you start it waking up late youāre just going to feel lethargic all day. Get some coffee, get some vitamin D and start your day RIGHT.
Set yourself a goal each other, and it can be simple.
For example: I am going to study and work all week but on Friday and Saturday I am having fun. Then Sunday I am going to take a day off to plan the rest of my week. If it feels better, work for your weekends off so you donāt feel bad about having fun.
If you are going to date someone, make each date feel like a treat to yourself. For example, I am only going to see you after I have done xyz. I used to do this all the time and wallahi it used to make me look forward going on dates so much ahh! Iād bang out revision and then afterwards go out so I could make sure I wasnāt being distracted.
Anon
3 years ago
Salam gurls, loving how varied the questions are on this page I feel like I’m learning so many things I didn’t know I needed to know !
So, I’m a 28y/o woman who struggles to connect with men that aren’t my friends. What I mean by that is when I’m talking to a man that I find attractive I become really shy and reserved even though I’m the loudest person around. I am naturally very welcoming and thrive otp and dating apps but I’ve never been on a date because of this. How do I get over this block ? Please help !
Awww listen its normal to feel shy, but you just have to find new coping mechanism/distractions that’ll help you:
– Look super nice.I f you are meeting your date in-person, make yourself attractive outside and in your own eyes too because if you don’t feel beautiful inside you definitely won’t come across as such.
– Always suggest doing an activity. Activity dates as a first date is perfect. It makes you guys feel relaxed and its a perfect ice breaker, especially when you guys start being competitive. Ahh I love it! Also make sure he always has a set of cards on him. Black jack is such a fun game to play together.
– Go dinner afterwards, so you guys can see if the chemistry is really there. Be very light hearted and playful. Don’t ask questions like ‘do you see us being together?’
– Flirt very slyly, don’t be too overbearing.
– Give him alot of compliments about his work life or whatever it is he enjoys.
– Talk about things you are passionate about! Ah it will make it feel so easy and he will be excited to listen to you
Honestly like you said, you are naturally very welcome and have a great personality so don’t be too nervous. Your personality will come out
Anon
3 years ago
I recently got married 7 months ago to someone I thought was the love of my life. My husband and I never really talked about how many kids we want and when we should have them. Both of us werenāt against the idea of having kids either, we were just going with the flow basically if that makes sense. 4 months ago, he was fired from his job and he never told me why. We got into a bit of a financial crisis since he was the sole provider for the two of us. He got really depressed because of our situation. He started drinking, stopped praying and slept way more than usual. I told him that I would get a job so we wouldnāt have to struggle as much. He told me no and he basically threatened me if he saw that I found a job. I got scared and left the job search alone. My parents donāt know whatās going on with us because I donāt tell them anything but I feel like I should. During these horrible four months, Iām carrying his child and he doesnāt know it because I never told him. And two weeks ago, we got into an argument and I told him I was carrying his child. He kicked me in my stomach repeatedly and kept saying we canāt afford any kids right now. I had to go to the hospital and the doctors told me I miscarried. I want to get a divorce but that would mean that I have to tell my parents and Iām scared of what he would do to me if I tell them. Iām scared and feel alone.
I am so sorry for what has happened to you and I pray Allah will bring this man to justice. Omg I am so sorry. You need to leave !
Tell your parents. Abusers become more abusive when they know you are isolated from your family because they know no one will stop them. So you need to get away from him as soon as you can.
When you are finally in the safety of your own home, divorce that bastard. Divorce is still Halal, beating a woman is not only cowardly, but straight up a grave sin. Use your rights that you are entitled to and let him live his pathetic life alone. If you are unable to do this, contact the Police. Wallahi he has made you think you canāt escape but watch how he will coward away when he is confronted by your father or brothers, even the police. He is not the scary man he has made himself out to be.
You deserve far better than that poor excuse for a man. Wallahi I just can’t fathom the horror of what you have been put through. I’ve got no words. May Allah protect you from this man and grant you a happy life free from this man.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi Lula and Ladan
I hope you guys are well.
My dilemma is that I’ve always struggled to make friends since leaving high school and pre lock down I really made an effort and get to know people all over London through masjids and events but lockdown has put me back to square 1. I’ve never been a social media person so I’ve struggled to stay in contact with people and tbh I learned to love my solitude and I’m finding it hard to find the motivation to build meaningful relationships with people. I’ve been out of practise for so long I’ve forgotten how to talk to people and make friends š
I always read self help books, articles and questions threads about this and I guess I’ve mastered the techniques of making friends but my problem is that I’m not good at pretending and my fear is that I’ll seem too insincere and fake.
I just want to skip the small (and boring) talk and have deep conversations but that’s like putting your shoes on before your socks š¤£
Any tips for a social recluse trying to come out of her shell ?
Awwwww don’t worry sis. People are mere humans just like you, when you get nervous just remember that.
Try to join a club that is consistent. My best friend right now is a netball club and most of the girls there are somali. When you are committed to meeting each other once a week, you’re more inclined to stay being friends with people. So look for that, look for something that has the type of people you want to be around and join. I know you want to skip the early stages of friendships but you need that to get to the deep stage.
Also try to commit to getting out your house at least once a week. You need to get yourself out there, eventually the more often you go out, you are going to be someone on your vibe and thats how it starts.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi, Iām in a bit of a dilemma and needed another point of view as I havenāt told anyone before.
I met this guy two years ago and fell deeply in love, heās perfect for me and I see him as my life partner. Whilst we were dating, one thing led to another and I got pregnant. I wasnāt really surprised but disappointed in myself that I would let it happen. I decided to tell him after a couple weeks of keeping it to myself and also let him know that I wouldnāt be keeping it. Having a child out of wedlock was never an option for me and I wasnāt about to change my mind just because I was in love with my āboyfriendā. I always wanted to be married before having kids obviously . He begged me to keep it and he said heād marry me ASAP but I couldnāt deal with the humiliation of facing family and friends. After I made my decision, i found out that he told his sister. She would call me every single day for a while begging me to listen to her brother and get married but I didnāt want to.
Fast forward 8 months and thereās no baby but weāre still very much in each otherās lives. He let me know he respects my decision and weāve moved passed it now. We planned to get married until last week his sister found out we were still together and decided to āexposeā us to his family. I feel like sheās ruined any chance of us ever having a future together. Heās staying optimistic but i canāt face his mum and dad as the whore who got pregnant and aborted their grandchild lol.
What the hell do i do????
If I am being completely honest with you, the relationship has to be done. It is over.
1) He told his sister.
He has shown you that this is how he deals with in-house matters. Now whilst I understand he may have been scared or overwhelmed, but its not about him. Its about YOU. How I see it is, this is not a small thing you can just tell your sister, this is the holy grail of secrets that you should take to the grave. Especially when itās someone elseās secret. Although he probably did not mean to, he threw you under the bus. And this is one of the most sensitive things that could essentially ruin your life if any more people found out. In my mind, if he can share this, he can share absolutely anything.
2) You got pregnant and his sister tried to convince you not to have an abortion.
Now whilst I agree that everyone can have their own opinion regarding this, this does not stop this from being non of his sisterās business. This is not her choice and itās not her thatās going to live with this baby. In fact, she shouldnāt have even called you. This whole situation is very delicate right now and I understand she is probably coming from a place of love, but regardless, you knew you did not want to have a child. So nothing she could say would have changed that.
3) He let his sister call you.
What is this guyās problem? You two are not married. What is he doing???? I understand he absolutely loves you and he wants to get married but getting family involved in this situation is not it. This man is so unaware of how badly this could affect you. Women canāt just get pregnant outside of wedlock and if you do, its lights out for you. Ultimately seeing as it was actually him who ādishonoredā you by getting you pregnant in the first place, the least he can do is try to protect this from hurting you any longer. How can he not know that that stigma will live with you forever if people found out??? How can he be so oblivious?
4) You guys decided to get married, which I believe is that right thing to do, but his sister found out and now she has exposed you guys to her family.
This is over. It is done. You think his parents will ever forgive you? If I am being completely honest with you, they are going to be in denial of you twoās relationship and probably convince themselves that you seduced their son. And then on top of that, aborted their grandchild??? You will never change their minds about you, and even if you do, youāll have his horrible interfering sister to deal with. Who clearly has her own agenda about you.
You need to part ways. This relationship is going to be far too difficult and honestly, they are just going to keep reminding you of your abortion and that is not right. Your partner needs to live with this decision and realise some things you just canāt take back. Maybe next time heāll realise somethings he needs to deal with his partner and thatās it.
Iām so sorry you had to experienced this man. How awful.
Anon
3 years ago
I’m actually so scared of getting married in case I get divorced. Every woman in my family is divorced with kids and while, I love them – I don’t want to be like them. Strangely, I want to marry but.. it’s that chance if he ditches me… (i don’t even have a him and I don’t envision myself doing anything bad either).
It is reasonable for you to feel this way. And sometimes marriage can be scary especially when you see people get divorced quite quickly afterwards. Sometimes people put more thought it having a wedding than actually being married. And confuse infatuation and lust with love. Sometimes they get married because of an emotional decision like wanting to move out or feel pressured into it.
It takes time to get to know someone well enough to make a lifetime commitment. Those old rose-coloured glasses are REALLLL. Iām pretty sure my first crush when I was in school was a prick but in my head I was convinced we would get married. When you think youāre āin loveā, you tend to minimise, ignore and excuse the less desirable traits we see. We ignore warning signs. They dismiss things as minor and they actually become major Day 2 of being married.
On the other hand, you could have known someone for forever and even then, you might get divorced. It doesnāt really matter. At the end of the day, marriage is a gamble. And divorce is not what you think it is. You wonāt die just because you got divorced. There are many divorced people who are happier than people who are married. You would be very surprised.
Agreed that life doesn’t come with a guarantee card, future is uncertain. Anyone can get divorced but so what? Looking at other people and their relationships is not a good enough reason to give up on everything. It’s said that one foul fish, spoils the lake but, humans are not fishes. Are they?
When you do eventually look to start a relationship, use your head not your heart. Donāt make serious decisions on emotions. They always fail. Choose wisely and love will flourish.
Anon
3 years ago
Is my husband islamically obliged to buy me a gift when he buys gifts for his mother and sisters? Heās causing a lot of fitnah for me when he does this as he always leaves me out and heās never bought me gifts, not even for our wedding. He bought his mother and sisters gold necklaces recently and new furniture for his mums house while we have second hand everything
Islamically I’m not sure if he has to. But If you are asking for my own opinion, this man is obviously a gift giver, he is just gift giving to you. Is this new behaviour or has this been happening from the start?
This is why setting the tone from early is IMPORTANT. You saw him being generous to his family and potentially you thought ‘o maybe he will do that for me ONE DAY’. Problemo Number UNO. He should have started giving you gifts then and you should have been very vocal about it. I don’t know why people shy away from this, maybe girls feel like they come across as begging idk but there is a difference between between and making that an expectation.
You need to be very vocal about what you expect from him.
“Babe you haven’t been really romantic recently and it has me feeling really underwhelmed. How comes you never get me flowers? I’d really like that.”
“I see how you treat your sisters and mum and it is really disappointing that you don’t extend that same treatment to your own wife. I don’t like that AT ALL.”
When you show people how disappointed you are with their behaviour and you are firm, they are more inclined to make things right. Don’t start going bat shit crazy because then he’ll just pass you off as being jealous of his mum and sister. Be level headed and clear with what you want.
Hi.
So, I broke up with this guy six months ago cos of his Salah. I’ve always dreamt of marrying someone stronger than me in the religion. He was still struggling; after us designing ways for him to become more consistent after 1+ years of the relationship. But, on the other hand, I think I was frustrated with not much growth over the time and impulsive with breaking up with him. Not much growth was made and he still had a lot of issues with completing his Salah. And tbh because there wasn’t much of a positive influence on his side, I was dropping too religiously.
I know it’ll be a tad irresponsible to go back to him and still try to “fix him” and help him be better. But I love him. I really love him and six months plus after breakup, despite the no-contact we’re doing, I miss him so much and still have sweet dreams about him. I’ve had some achievements and a lot of good news after the breakup and he’s always the first person I want to tell.
He was not privileged to grow up with the kind of consciously religious parents i was privileged with. His siblings are agnostic, he’s the youngest child and doesn’t have so much to look up to. I’m also feeling a bit guilty that I’m letting him down when I could helpālike I gave up on himābecause I’ve heard successful stories of women reverting men they love and helping them become better in the Deen.
Is it just my emotions clouding my common sense? Or i could rekindle what we had, help him and be more patient? Is 1 year and 2 months enough time for him to have got better? PS; i knew about him needing help with the Deen before agreeing to get into the relationship cos I really liked him, but the extent of that I didn’t (It was a long-distance relationship during the pandemic)
I’m really glad you gave me context. You are absolutely right, he was not privileged with the type of upbringing as you. Although a man is meant to lead, most of the time there is really a woman behind him encouraging to move forward. If you truly, and i really men truly love him, you will push him.
It is definitely easier to be harsh but if this is the only problem you are having, then it can be fixed. Everyone’s imaan fluctuates, like you said, yours did too at one point. As long as he doesn’t have any balwaads [addictions], then this is fixable in my opinion.
Obviously don’t put your entire heart into this, because if he does fail you, you don’t want to feel like thats on you. But just make him feels as if there is someone behind him, pushing him. Awww I really feel for him man. He didn’t grow up in an environment where his faith could ever flourish. Be that person if you can to slowly bring him back into Islam properly. Start slow
Hey girls, Iām 25 turning 26 and I just feel completely stagnant in life. I still have no degree, no car and live with my parents. Iāve never dated and Iām not interested in getting an arranged marriage so I have to find someone organically soon. I donāt know what I want to do career wise either. Is it normal to feel like this so close to 30? I see my friends married with kids and firmly settled in their careers but Iām still here trying hard to find my niche. Itās even more pressure since in desi culture thereās a big pressure to follow the normal timeline and not fall behind so I feel like a black sheep. I also know iām not doing enough to change my situation. I donāt know what to do or how to get myself out of this hole of misery that iām currently in. Please donāt give me fluffy advice, I want cold hard truth.
If you feel stagnant in life, nothing is going to make you happy until you change it. That is me being brutally honest. Wallahi no words of comfort from people will stop you from feeling this way. Nothing is going to make you truly happy. You will only be content when you do something about it, so do it.
– Forget marriage, there are other areas in your life that can be more fruitful and beneficial to you if you just find balance and focus. Get your license, I know it seems scary but look at how many people are driving their cars. If they can, you can absolutely do it.
– Go back to Uni, do a short course, something that will make you feel more fulfilled! We all went through it and guess what, its not as hard as people make it out to be. You are going to be 30 anyway, might as well be 30 with a degree. You feel me?
– Find something you are passionate about and do it! Don’t even do it for monetary gain, do it because it makes you happy.
– Stop looking at your friends. Wallahi that will not benefit you in any shape or form, look forward and onwards. The only way is up baby!
Honestly stop living for the sake of living and just lIVE. Stop being a passenger in your life.
Hey sis, Tips on how to deal with a jealous and evil older sister.
Unfortunately theres not much you can do other than ignore her. Sometimes you canāt fix relationships when people are genuinely committed to just hating you.
Make your boundaries clear, if you don’t share a room with her, get a lock. Stop doing her serious favours if she isn’t returning them. Just stop letting sisters use you. You are not obligated to help anyone. Also helping people give the ammo they need to abuse it.
I would not tolerate when she starts acting up around you. Just stop talking to her when she does this and get away from her. Make it clear you have no intention of being around her when she’s like this. Because she will be friendly to you and just do it again.
Hey Ladies, I saw a question a while back and wondered if you could expain or provide some more examples. It was how to romanticise your life. I try to journal, gym, dress nice, take long baths and have self-care days but I still find myself thinking I could or should be doing more. I often feel like life is passing me by :/
Make yourself at routine in the morning. Wake up early and have a few hours in the day where youāre just by yourself and youāre not rushing.
Make some real breakfast in the morning and enjoy your coffee. Pray Fajr. Go gym if you need to.
Wallahi it really is down to how you start your dad. If you start it waking up late youāre just going to feel lethargic all day. Get some coffee, get some vitamin D and start your day RIGHT.
Set yourself a goal each other, and it can be simple.
For example: I am going to study and work all week but on Friday and Saturday I am having fun. Then Sunday I am going to take a day off to plan the rest of my week. If it feels better, work for your weekends off so you donāt feel bad about having fun.
If you are going to date someone, make each date feel like a treat to yourself. For example, I am only going to see you after I have done xyz. I used to do this all the time and wallahi it used to make me look forward going on dates so much ahh! Iād bang out revision and then afterwards go out so I could make sure I wasnāt being distracted.
Salam gurls, loving how varied the questions are on this page I feel like I’m learning so many things I didn’t know I needed to know !
So, I’m a 28y/o woman who struggles to connect with men that aren’t my friends. What I mean by that is when I’m talking to a man that I find attractive I become really shy and reserved even though I’m the loudest person around. I am naturally very welcoming and thrive otp and dating apps but I’ve never been on a date because of this. How do I get over this block ? Please help !
xxx
Awww listen its normal to feel shy, but you just have to find new coping mechanism/distractions that’ll help you:
– Look super nice.I f you are meeting your date in-person, make yourself attractive outside and in your own eyes too because if you don’t feel beautiful inside you definitely won’t come across as such.
– Always suggest doing an activity. Activity dates as a first date is perfect. It makes you guys feel relaxed and its a perfect ice breaker, especially when you guys start being competitive. Ahh I love it! Also make sure he always has a set of cards on him. Black jack is such a fun game to play together.
– Go dinner afterwards, so you guys can see if the chemistry is really there. Be very light hearted and playful. Don’t ask questions like ‘do you see us being together?’
– Flirt very slyly, don’t be too overbearing.
– Give him alot of compliments about his work life or whatever it is he enjoys.
– Talk about things you are passionate about! Ah it will make it feel so easy and he will be excited to listen to you
Honestly like you said, you are naturally very welcome and have a great personality so don’t be too nervous. Your personality will come out
I recently got married 7 months ago to someone I thought was the love of my life. My husband and I never really talked about how many kids we want and when we should have them. Both of us werenāt against the idea of having kids either, we were just going with the flow basically if that makes sense. 4 months ago, he was fired from his job and he never told me why. We got into a bit of a financial crisis since he was the sole provider for the two of us. He got really depressed because of our situation. He started drinking, stopped praying and slept way more than usual. I told him that I would get a job so we wouldnāt have to struggle as much. He told me no and he basically threatened me if he saw that I found a job. I got scared and left the job search alone. My parents donāt know whatās going on with us because I donāt tell them anything but I feel like I should. During these horrible four months, Iām carrying his child and he doesnāt know it because I never told him. And two weeks ago, we got into an argument and I told him I was carrying his child. He kicked me in my stomach repeatedly and kept saying we canāt afford any kids right now. I had to go to the hospital and the doctors told me I miscarried. I want to get a divorce but that would mean that I have to tell my parents and Iām scared of what he would do to me if I tell them. Iām scared and feel alone.
Get out now.
I am so sorry for what has happened to you and I pray Allah will bring this man to justice. Omg I am so sorry. You need to leave !
Tell your parents. Abusers become more abusive when they know you are isolated from your family because they know no one will stop them. So you need to get away from him as soon as you can.
When you are finally in the safety of your own home, divorce that bastard. Divorce is still Halal, beating a woman is not only cowardly, but straight up a grave sin. Use your rights that you are entitled to and let him live his pathetic life alone. If you are unable to do this, contact the Police. Wallahi he has made you think you canāt escape but watch how he will coward away when he is confronted by your father or brothers, even the police. He is not the scary man he has made himself out to be.
You deserve far better than that poor excuse for a man. Wallahi I just can’t fathom the horror of what you have been put through. I’ve got no words. May Allah protect you from this man and grant you a happy life free from this man.
Hi Lula and Ladan
I hope you guys are well.
My dilemma is that I’ve always struggled to make friends since leaving high school and pre lock down I really made an effort and get to know people all over London through masjids and events but lockdown has put me back to square 1. I’ve never been a social media person so I’ve struggled to stay in contact with people and tbh I learned to love my solitude and I’m finding it hard to find the motivation to build meaningful relationships with people. I’ve been out of practise for so long I’ve forgotten how to talk to people and make friends š
I always read self help books, articles and questions threads about this and I guess I’ve mastered the techniques of making friends but my problem is that I’m not good at pretending and my fear is that I’ll seem too insincere and fake.
I just want to skip the small (and boring) talk and have deep conversations but that’s like putting your shoes on before your socks š¤£
Any tips for a social recluse trying to come out of her shell ?
Awwwww don’t worry sis. People are mere humans just like you, when you get nervous just remember that.
Try to join a club that is consistent. My best friend right now is a netball club and most of the girls there are somali. When you are committed to meeting each other once a week, you’re more inclined to stay being friends with people. So look for that, look for something that has the type of people you want to be around and join. I know you want to skip the early stages of friendships but you need that to get to the deep stage.
Also try to commit to getting out your house at least once a week. You need to get yourself out there, eventually the more often you go out, you are going to be someone on your vibe and thats how it starts.
Hi, Iām in a bit of a dilemma and needed another point of view as I havenāt told anyone before.
I met this guy two years ago and fell deeply in love, heās perfect for me and I see him as my life partner. Whilst we were dating, one thing led to another and I got pregnant. I wasnāt really surprised but disappointed in myself that I would let it happen. I decided to tell him after a couple weeks of keeping it to myself and also let him know that I wouldnāt be keeping it. Having a child out of wedlock was never an option for me and I wasnāt about to change my mind just because I was in love with my āboyfriendā. I always wanted to be married before having kids obviously . He begged me to keep it and he said heād marry me ASAP but I couldnāt deal with the humiliation of facing family and friends. After I made my decision, i found out that he told his sister. She would call me every single day for a while begging me to listen to her brother and get married but I didnāt want to.
Fast forward 8 months and thereās no baby but weāre still very much in each otherās lives. He let me know he respects my decision and weāve moved passed it now. We planned to get married until last week his sister found out we were still together and decided to āexposeā us to his family. I feel like sheās ruined any chance of us ever having a future together. Heās staying optimistic but i canāt face his mum and dad as the whore who got pregnant and aborted their grandchild lol.
What the hell do i do????
Wow this is a lot.
If I am being completely honest with you, the relationship has to be done. It is over.
1) He told his sister.
He has shown you that this is how he deals with in-house matters. Now whilst I understand he may have been scared or overwhelmed, but its not about him. Its about YOU. How I see it is, this is not a small thing you can just tell your sister, this is the holy grail of secrets that you should take to the grave. Especially when itās someone elseās secret. Although he probably did not mean to, he threw you under the bus. And this is one of the most sensitive things that could essentially ruin your life if any more people found out. In my mind, if he can share this, he can share absolutely anything.
2) You got pregnant and his sister tried to convince you not to have an abortion.
Now whilst I agree that everyone can have their own opinion regarding this, this does not stop this from being non of his sisterās business. This is not her choice and itās not her thatās going to live with this baby. In fact, she shouldnāt have even called you. This whole situation is very delicate right now and I understand she is probably coming from a place of love, but regardless, you knew you did not want to have a child. So nothing she could say would have changed that.
3) He let his sister call you.
What is this guyās problem? You two are not married. What is he doing???? I understand he absolutely loves you and he wants to get married but getting family involved in this situation is not it. This man is so unaware of how badly this could affect you. Women canāt just get pregnant outside of wedlock and if you do, its lights out for you. Ultimately seeing as it was actually him who ādishonoredā you by getting you pregnant in the first place, the least he can do is try to protect this from hurting you any longer. How can he not know that that stigma will live with you forever if people found out??? How can he be so oblivious?
4) You guys decided to get married, which I believe is that right thing to do, but his sister found out and now she has exposed you guys to her family.
This is over. It is done. You think his parents will ever forgive you? If I am being completely honest with you, they are going to be in denial of you twoās relationship and probably convince themselves that you seduced their son. And then on top of that, aborted their grandchild??? You will never change their minds about you, and even if you do, youāll have his horrible interfering sister to deal with. Who clearly has her own agenda about you.
You need to part ways. This relationship is going to be far too difficult and honestly, they are just going to keep reminding you of your abortion and that is not right. Your partner needs to live with this decision and realise some things you just canāt take back. Maybe next time heāll realise somethings he needs to deal with his partner and thatās it.
Iām so sorry you had to experienced this man. How awful.
I’m actually so scared of getting married in case I get divorced. Every woman in my family is divorced with kids and while, I love them – I don’t want to be like them. Strangely, I want to marry but.. it’s that chance if he ditches me… (i don’t even have a him and I don’t envision myself doing anything bad either).
It is reasonable for you to feel this way. And sometimes marriage can be scary especially when you see people get divorced quite quickly afterwards. Sometimes people put more thought it having a wedding than actually being married. And confuse infatuation and lust with love. Sometimes they get married because of an emotional decision like wanting to move out or feel pressured into it.
It takes time to get to know someone well enough to make a lifetime commitment. Those old rose-coloured glasses are REALLLL. Iām pretty sure my first crush when I was in school was a prick but in my head I was convinced we would get married. When you think youāre āin loveā, you tend to minimise, ignore and excuse the less desirable traits we see. We ignore warning signs. They dismiss things as minor and they actually become major Day 2 of being married.
On the other hand, you could have known someone for forever and even then, you might get divorced. It doesnāt really matter. At the end of the day, marriage is a gamble. And divorce is not what you think it is. You wonāt die just because you got divorced. There are many divorced people who are happier than people who are married. You would be very surprised.
Agreed that life doesn’t come with a guarantee card, future is uncertain. Anyone can get divorced but so what? Looking at other people and their relationships is not a good enough reason to give up on everything. It’s said that one foul fish, spoils the lake but, humans are not fishes. Are they?
When you do eventually look to start a relationship, use your head not your heart. Donāt make serious decisions on emotions. They always fail. Choose wisely and love will flourish.
Is my husband islamically obliged to buy me a gift when he buys gifts for his mother and sisters? Heās causing a lot of fitnah for me when he does this as he always leaves me out and heās never bought me gifts, not even for our wedding. He bought his mother and sisters gold necklaces recently and new furniture for his mums house while we have second hand everything
Islamically I’m not sure if he has to. But If you are asking for my own opinion, this man is obviously a gift giver, he is just gift giving to you. Is this new behaviour or has this been happening from the start?
This is why setting the tone from early is IMPORTANT. You saw him being generous to his family and potentially you thought ‘o maybe he will do that for me ONE DAY’. Problemo Number UNO. He should have started giving you gifts then and you should have been very vocal about it. I don’t know why people shy away from this, maybe girls feel like they come across as begging idk but there is a difference between between and making that an expectation.
You need to be very vocal about what you expect from him.
“Babe you haven’t been really romantic recently and it has me feeling really underwhelmed. How comes you never get me flowers? I’d really like that.”
“I see how you treat your sisters and mum and it is really disappointing that you don’t extend that same treatment to your own wife. I don’t like that AT ALL.”
When you show people how disappointed you are with their behaviour and you are firm, they are more inclined to make things right. Don’t start going bat shit crazy because then he’ll just pass you off as being jealous of his mum and sister. Be level headed and clear with what you want.