To the almost 28 year old somali brother who kicked ball rather than chasing gyal… hey! You’re right your dream woman is definitely chilling at home because the more I read what you wrote the more it resonated with me and I can imagine so many others. Don’t give up hope because what is written for you will always find you but like Lula said it’s not just going to come knocking! You might need to start joining other social media like Twitter or Instagram (which can literally become what you want it to be – work, religion, gym related etc. it’s not as bad as you might have heard). May Allah make it easy for us all inshallah!
Side note: I’m 26, I’m on all socials with 0 potentials, spoken to friends and their partners and I’m on the ‘Muslim’ dating apps. The quality of men I’m getting however is bottom-barrel and after the previous question the brother sent in I’m starting to realise why.
Hey, so I’m a guy who’s looking for advise if you don’t mind.
I met this girl on a night out and decided to get her snap. We was talking for a few weeks and then all of a sudden I was blocked on snap for no reason. A few months pass by and I bumped into her while out shopping with a friend. She gave me hug and we kept the conversation short since my friend was right next to me waiting.
Ever since that day I can’t stop thinking of this girl. Like seriously I don’t even wanna approach any other girl because shes always on my mind. The thing is, I know her instagram handle since its the same as her snap but we don’t follow each other. I’m contemplating to message her on insta and express my feelings?
Or is it best to wait for the next opportunity I see her and speak to her on the level?
She probably blocked you because she has someone else in the picture who she decided to take seriously, or she’s just not feeling you. Being blocked should send a clear message in my opinion. But if you want to go for it, why not?
Anon
3 years ago
Hello,
I’m a 21 yr old (f) & I’ve been talking to this guy for a year & a couple months. Literally the sweetest most down to earth person ever. Checks all my boxes and most of all is very PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING. Here is where the problem comes in, he travels for work a lot and works a ton of shit hours. I’m talking weeks in another city & on top of that he is in school tryin get his masters. He’s always on the go and we barely get time to talk. I’ve brought this up so many times & every time he reassures me and actually does his best to make time for me. My only problem is when we do get married (which we talked bout & is in the process inshallah) he will barely be present and I don’t know if that’s something I can handle. But I love this man and I do not want to lose him. I’ve been praying bout this and Alhamdulilah so far everything is going well. He loves his job & every time he talks bout it his face lights up with so much joy. I would be selfish to make him choose between his job and me. I can use some advice right now because I’m stuck !!!
When you are married to someone who is very hard working and to some extent a workaholic, this is honestly what comes with it. It’s unfortunate but you just have to remind yourself what they’re doing it for. Ultimately this man is going to be a provider for you and your children one day inshallah, so right now he’s putting the steps in.
In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, especially prior to Covid, he was always flying out for business every few weeks and he’d be gone for weeks at a time. He absolutely hated having to go but unfortunately because of the nature of his work and role, there was not much he could do. However when he was around, everyday he’d spend with me and it’d be the best. And even though at one point I resented his career so much, wallahi I had to humble myself. At one point I had the cheek to say don’t work so hard? The audacity! The reason why he was such a provider to me, was because of his hard work. And trust me, you’re gonna want a man that has a good work ethic and can provide you with a good quality of life.
Unless its getting to the point where you guys barely talk to each other, don’t give him an ultimatum. Even more so because he loves his work! Just think of it this way, the moments you do spend together, it’ll be sweeter and you’ll appreciate it more. This aspect is so important in relationships. Sometimes people are with each other so often that they don’t remember what its like to just miss and long for each other.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey Lula and Ladan. I have a predicament.
I met my fiancé in University and he fell in love with my ambitiousness and intelligence. But tbh I just want to be a stay at home wife and mother 😭
It’s because although I have dreams and passions, due to past traumatic experiences I don’t feel comfortable working with men at all.
I spoke to my fiancé about this and even though he is happy to cover all the expenses he said he would still like me to work.
He’s not really budging on it either. Idk what to do because it doesn’t matter how modest I dress I’m always sexualised in the workplace.
Also, I’m still in the process of getting my degree to cover my ass in a situation where financial abuse may occur dw. I understand the risks of putting all the financial control in a man’s hands.
I’m kinda with your husband I won’t lie, I agree with him only because I will always advise women until they have children, to have their own money and to have a JOB.
Being a stay at home mum though is completely fine. To say no seems to imply some moral judgment. It’s not wrong.
However, I don’t think it’s a very good idea for financial reasons though (Unless you’re very wealthy). It relies a lot on the assumption that the sole income you’ll be relying on is a sure thing, but if that income is gone for whatever reason, it leaves the entire family in a crisis. A lot of women seem to think that they will just get a job if their spouse loses their job, or when the kids go to school, but these days that’s not very realistic. Finding a job at all is hard, let alone a job that will support a family. Add to that that you’re trying to find a job when you haven’t been working for years and it just adds that much more challenge? Because that gap in your CV will raise questions. It also puts a ton of stress on the person bringing in the one income. I feel like your fiancee is trying to say this without being straight up. There are no kids in the picture, so until that happens, you need to work.
You can’t rely on him for every single thing from Day 1. Who is going to pay your phone bill? Your travel when you want to see your friends? When you want to go to a cheeky restaurant? Unless your man is a baller, at some point this is going to strain him financially.
Also, you need to be smart about it. Unless you can somehow set up your own pension plan that gets added to while your at home, you’re going to take a hard financial hit in your old age. Also remember, no one plans to get divorced, but it happens to a lot of people. The point is, right now you don’t have the luxury to stay at home. And your husband to be is not supportive of it either. Also if I am being blunt with you, if you don’t have kids to look after he is going to look at you eventually as if you’re lazy with no ambition. Like you can’t sit at home everyday doing nish.
Also there are workplaces where majority of the workforce are women like teaching etc. You just need to look
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girl, just thought I would update! You gave me advice on my situation where my soon to be husband hadn’t taken me on a date in our one year of being together and wasn’t being romantic. I spoke to him about it and let him know my expectations and he took me out on a date and surprised me with a gift! He has now committed to planning one every 2 weeks or so (we’re both really busy studying and working so that fits our schedules)
I just thought I should let you know that your advice definitely improved my situation a lot!
And ladies if you bring an issue up to your man or make a request that you know he is capable of and he doesn’t do anything to make you happy he does not value you. Through this I realised that communication is so important and that a man who loves his woman will do whatever it takes to make his woman happy.
Ask a lot of questions about them that will lead to stories.
⁃ Ask about stories at his work – did you have an annoying boss? etc
Ask what is it they like doing? And then say you have an interest in that too
Anon
3 years ago
Hey ladies!
There’s this guy I’ve been talking to for a while now. He takes me out on dates and makes a big effort in our relationship. He wants to get married soon and I do acc want to marry him. The problem is because he’s older than me, I stress myself out too much. I always think to myself how I need to go above and beyond to make sure I look good at all times because he’s been waiting for marriage and sex for 30 yrs. Like imagine if I don’t please him. Imagine if Im a shit wife and he’s like wow this one is absolutely khasaaro. I don’t know if my dilemma makes sense but yeah I was just wondering how I should stop putting so much stress on myself. Or do you think maybe now isn’t the right time for me to be in a relationship if I’m putting this much stress on myself?
You just have to remember there is a reason why he wants to get married to YOU. Also, let it be known you are still growing up and you are learning how to be an adult, whereas he already figured that out. I was in the same position, I didn’t even know what council tax bills were when I got married, oh and I thought water and gas bill was apart of the rent LMAO. The point is, you’re catching up and he needs to accept this.
Regarding intimacy, if he hasn’t had sex then he’ll be on the same boat as you. Don’t stress yourself out. I would advise you however, to be a bit more self aware when you are with someone who is older. Like don’t do stuff you would do if you were living at your parents house? Does that make sense? Be considerate, thats it really.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey Lula and Ladan hope everything is well with you.. Im a Somali girl and I’m turning thirty this year so naturally I’ve been feeling stressed about marriage and so on. I’m talking to this guy right now. He ticks every single one of my boxes. Educated, on deen, cute, tall and Somali. My issue is we’ve spoke on the phone twice. And it’s so awkward. Sometimes the conversation flows and other times it’s dead silent. I’ve spoken to guys before and it’s never been this boring. At the same time it’s still early days so I’m thinking maybe if we meet a couple times it could be less awkward. But today he dropped a bomb on me. He told me he wouldn’t wanna meet without a mahram present. How are we gonna be able to relax and get to know each other if my brother or dad is there?😭. Plus he asked me what my views are on second wife’s. I told him I’m opposed to it completely and he said he wouldn’t mind marrying a second wife in the future. Tbh Lula the mahram thing wasn’t even a big deal I get he’s religious and he wants to do his best in deen and I respect it. I would’ve been able to compromise on that point. But the second wife question threw me off. It made me feel a bit icky as well. Am I wrong for thinking it could never work between us? And I know it’s halal to marry a second wife but the fact he’s thinking about it without even having secured a first wife makes me question if I even wanna get to know him. Btw he is the same age as me and he’s not a fob 😭. What would you do in this situation? help a sis out
Yeah he has got to go. Right now he is showing you a red flag and that is: at any point of you two getting married, he will surprise you with a second wife. And he probably won’t even let you know, he will do it in secret and during the most vulnerable times for you like having a baby etc. You see what happens to older Somali women, running to Somalia for a young business trip, listen these men are capable of doing this too. This is a red flag. Tell him bye.
Future wise, avoid talking to people on the phone unless you guys have seen each other in real life. People can’t show off their real personalities over the phone and eventually its gets boring. Seeing each other, going out, makes thing new and fun. It brings a different element than just getting to know each other over the phone. When you meet someone, have on conversation on the phone before and then decide where you’re going to meet up. That way you can find out who is just trying to waste your time
Anon
3 years ago
girl how do I get out of the talking stage?! so many talking stages, NO RING
Stop talking to people who can talk to you for longer than 4 weeks without asking to see you or take you out on a date.
These men just want pen pals and in fact, want to break you down so much to the point you are willing to accept a walk in the park as a date. Coffee dates at that point are going to feel like Hakkassan. Its like the longer they keep you waiting, you won’t even care where he takes you, just that he does. Men are very smart
Keep phone call conversations short before you see eachother
If you want to get to know me, you are going to have to work for it and do it in person. We are not going to talk on the phone all day.
Say you are going sleep early
Again, why are we talking all day for?
Anon
3 years ago
Hey
I’ve been speaking to this guy for a couple of months now. He does this thing we’re well speak and then he decides to ghost(doesn’t tell me he’s busy e.g).
We have had conversations about this and he does all the things guys do. Apologise, says he won’t do it next time, and says his communication is bad with everyone. He has also said he doesn’t see the point in speaking everyday on the phone????
I have told him I really like him and I just feel like I’m the one who’s more interested than he is. We’ve only met once. Everytime I ask to see him he’s busy or just doesn’t message me.
I know I deserve better but I really do like him. Am I just being stupid and naive?
BTW I’ve also cut offf all the other guys I was speaking too
Shouldn’t have cut off everyone you’re talking to for someone that’s airing you.
This guy is obviously not invested and that’s why he doesn’t understand why you need to talk every day. It’s because he doesn’t like you enough to talk to you everyday. Sometimes people are telling you how they feel about you to your face without words. Don’t even let this one go, just keep him on the side and try gets your whoever it was entertaining you back. And never ever put all your eggs in one basket for someone who is paying you no mind OKAY
To the almost 28 year old somali brother who kicked ball rather than chasing gyal… hey! You’re right your dream woman is definitely chilling at home because the more I read what you wrote the more it resonated with me and I can imagine so many others. Don’t give up hope because what is written for you will always find you but like Lula said it’s not just going to come knocking! You might need to start joining other social media like Twitter or Instagram (which can literally become what you want it to be – work, religion, gym related etc. it’s not as bad as you might have heard). May Allah make it easy for us all inshallah!
Side note: I’m 26, I’m on all socials with 0 potentials, spoken to friends and their partners and I’m on the ‘Muslim’ dating apps. The quality of men I’m getting however is bottom-barrel and after the previous question the brother sent in I’m starting to realise why.
Damn I should sent up the both of you LMAO
Hey, so I’m a guy who’s looking for advise if you don’t mind.
I met this girl on a night out and decided to get her snap. We was talking for a few weeks and then all of a sudden I was blocked on snap for no reason. A few months pass by and I bumped into her while out shopping with a friend. She gave me hug and we kept the conversation short since my friend was right next to me waiting.
Ever since that day I can’t stop thinking of this girl. Like seriously I don’t even wanna approach any other girl because shes always on my mind. The thing is, I know her instagram handle since its the same as her snap but we don’t follow each other. I’m contemplating to message her on insta and express my feelings?
Or is it best to wait for the next opportunity I see her and speak to her on the level?
She probably blocked you because she has someone else in the picture who she decided to take seriously, or she’s just not feeling you. Being blocked should send a clear message in my opinion. But if you want to go for it, why not?
Hello,
I’m a 21 yr old (f) & I’ve been talking to this guy for a year & a couple months. Literally the sweetest most down to earth person ever. Checks all my boxes and most of all is very PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING. Here is where the problem comes in, he travels for work a lot and works a ton of shit hours. I’m talking weeks in another city & on top of that he is in school tryin get his masters. He’s always on the go and we barely get time to talk. I’ve brought this up so many times & every time he reassures me and actually does his best to make time for me. My only problem is when we do get married (which we talked bout & is in the process inshallah) he will barely be present and I don’t know if that’s something I can handle. But I love this man and I do not want to lose him. I’ve been praying bout this and Alhamdulilah so far everything is going well. He loves his job & every time he talks bout it his face lights up with so much joy. I would be selfish to make him choose between his job and me. I can use some advice right now because I’m stuck !!!
When you are married to someone who is very hard working and to some extent a workaholic, this is honestly what comes with it. It’s unfortunate but you just have to remind yourself what they’re doing it for. Ultimately this man is going to be a provider for you and your children one day inshallah, so right now he’s putting the steps in.
In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, especially prior to Covid, he was always flying out for business every few weeks and he’d be gone for weeks at a time. He absolutely hated having to go but unfortunately because of the nature of his work and role, there was not much he could do. However when he was around, everyday he’d spend with me and it’d be the best. And even though at one point I resented his career so much, wallahi I had to humble myself. At one point I had the cheek to say don’t work so hard? The audacity! The reason why he was such a provider to me, was because of his hard work. And trust me, you’re gonna want a man that has a good work ethic and can provide you with a good quality of life.
Unless its getting to the point where you guys barely talk to each other, don’t give him an ultimatum. Even more so because he loves his work! Just think of it this way, the moments you do spend together, it’ll be sweeter and you’ll appreciate it more. This aspect is so important in relationships. Sometimes people are with each other so often that they don’t remember what its like to just miss and long for each other.
Hey Lula and Ladan. I have a predicament.
I met my fiancé in University and he fell in love with my ambitiousness and intelligence. But tbh I just want to be a stay at home wife and mother 😭
It’s because although I have dreams and passions, due to past traumatic experiences I don’t feel comfortable working with men at all.
I spoke to my fiancé about this and even though he is happy to cover all the expenses he said he would still like me to work.
He’s not really budging on it either. Idk what to do because it doesn’t matter how modest I dress I’m always sexualised in the workplace.
Also, I’m still in the process of getting my degree to cover my ass in a situation where financial abuse may occur dw. I understand the risks of putting all the financial control in a man’s hands.
I’m kinda with your husband I won’t lie, I agree with him only because I will always advise women until they have children, to have their own money and to have a JOB.
Being a stay at home mum though is completely fine. To say no seems to imply some moral judgment. It’s not wrong.
However, I don’t think it’s a very good idea for financial reasons though (Unless you’re very wealthy). It relies a lot on the assumption that the sole income you’ll be relying on is a sure thing, but if that income is gone for whatever reason, it leaves the entire family in a crisis. A lot of women seem to think that they will just get a job if their spouse loses their job, or when the kids go to school, but these days that’s not very realistic. Finding a job at all is hard, let alone a job that will support a family. Add to that that you’re trying to find a job when you haven’t been working for years and it just adds that much more challenge? Because that gap in your CV will raise questions. It also puts a ton of stress on the person bringing in the one income. I feel like your fiancee is trying to say this without being straight up. There are no kids in the picture, so until that happens, you need to work.
You can’t rely on him for every single thing from Day 1. Who is going to pay your phone bill? Your travel when you want to see your friends? When you want to go to a cheeky restaurant? Unless your man is a baller, at some point this is going to strain him financially.
Also, you need to be smart about it. Unless you can somehow set up your own pension plan that gets added to while your at home, you’re going to take a hard financial hit in your old age. Also remember, no one plans to get divorced, but it happens to a lot of people. The point is, right now you don’t have the luxury to stay at home. And your husband to be is not supportive of it either. Also if I am being blunt with you, if you don’t have kids to look after he is going to look at you eventually as if you’re lazy with no ambition. Like you can’t sit at home everyday doing nish.
Also there are workplaces where majority of the workforce are women like teaching etc. You just need to look
Hey girl, just thought I would update! You gave me advice on my situation where my soon to be husband hadn’t taken me on a date in our one year of being together and wasn’t being romantic. I spoke to him about it and let him know my expectations and he took me out on a date and surprised me with a gift! He has now committed to planning one every 2 weeks or so (we’re both really busy studying and working so that fits our schedules)
I just thought I should let you know that your advice definitely improved my situation a lot!
And ladies if you bring an issue up to your man or make a request that you know he is capable of and he doesn’t do anything to make you happy he does not value you. Through this I realised that communication is so important and that a man who loves his woman will do whatever it takes to make his woman happy.
Yes! I love update stories yay I’m glad it worked out for you
what are some questions you should 100% ask when getting to know someone with out being too intrusive
Ask a lot of questions about them that will lead to stories.
⁃ Ask about stories at his work – did you have an annoying boss? etc
Ask what is it they like doing? And then say you have an interest in that too
Hey ladies!
There’s this guy I’ve been talking to for a while now. He takes me out on dates and makes a big effort in our relationship. He wants to get married soon and I do acc want to marry him. The problem is because he’s older than me, I stress myself out too much. I always think to myself how I need to go above and beyond to make sure I look good at all times because he’s been waiting for marriage and sex for 30 yrs. Like imagine if I don’t please him. Imagine if Im a shit wife and he’s like wow this one is absolutely khasaaro. I don’t know if my dilemma makes sense but yeah I was just wondering how I should stop putting so much stress on myself. Or do you think maybe now isn’t the right time for me to be in a relationship if I’m putting this much stress on myself?
I get you!
You just have to remember there is a reason why he wants to get married to YOU. Also, let it be known you are still growing up and you are learning how to be an adult, whereas he already figured that out. I was in the same position, I didn’t even know what council tax bills were when I got married, oh and I thought water and gas bill was apart of the rent LMAO. The point is, you’re catching up and he needs to accept this.
Regarding intimacy, if he hasn’t had sex then he’ll be on the same boat as you. Don’t stress yourself out. I would advise you however, to be a bit more self aware when you are with someone who is older. Like don’t do stuff you would do if you were living at your parents house? Does that make sense? Be considerate, thats it really.
Hey Lula and Ladan hope everything is well with you.. Im a Somali girl and I’m turning thirty this year so naturally I’ve been feeling stressed about marriage and so on. I’m talking to this guy right now. He ticks every single one of my boxes. Educated, on deen, cute, tall and Somali. My issue is we’ve spoke on the phone twice. And it’s so awkward. Sometimes the conversation flows and other times it’s dead silent. I’ve spoken to guys before and it’s never been this boring. At the same time it’s still early days so I’m thinking maybe if we meet a couple times it could be less awkward. But today he dropped a bomb on me. He told me he wouldn’t wanna meet without a mahram present. How are we gonna be able to relax and get to know each other if my brother or dad is there?😭. Plus he asked me what my views are on second wife’s. I told him I’m opposed to it completely and he said he wouldn’t mind marrying a second wife in the future. Tbh Lula the mahram thing wasn’t even a big deal I get he’s religious and he wants to do his best in deen and I respect it. I would’ve been able to compromise on that point. But the second wife question threw me off. It made me feel a bit icky as well. Am I wrong for thinking it could never work between us? And I know it’s halal to marry a second wife but the fact he’s thinking about it without even having secured a first wife makes me question if I even wanna get to know him. Btw he is the same age as me and he’s not a fob 😭. What would you do in this situation? help a sis out
Yeah he has got to go. Right now he is showing you a red flag and that is: at any point of you two getting married, he will surprise you with a second wife. And he probably won’t even let you know, he will do it in secret and during the most vulnerable times for you like having a baby etc. You see what happens to older Somali women, running to Somalia for a young business trip, listen these men are capable of doing this too. This is a red flag. Tell him bye.
Future wise, avoid talking to people on the phone unless you guys have seen each other in real life. People can’t show off their real personalities over the phone and eventually its gets boring. Seeing each other, going out, makes thing new and fun. It brings a different element than just getting to know each other over the phone. When you meet someone, have on conversation on the phone before and then decide where you’re going to meet up. That way you can find out who is just trying to waste your time
girl how do I get out of the talking stage?! so many talking stages, NO RING
Stop talking to people who can talk to you for longer than 4 weeks without asking to see you or take you out on a date.
These men just want pen pals and in fact, want to break you down so much to the point you are willing to accept a walk in the park as a date. Coffee dates at that point are going to feel like Hakkassan. Its like the longer they keep you waiting, you won’t even care where he takes you, just that he does. Men are very smart
Keep phone call conversations short before you see eachother
If you want to get to know me, you are going to have to work for it and do it in person. We are not going to talk on the phone all day.
Say you are going sleep early
Again, why are we talking all day for?
Hey
I’ve been speaking to this guy for a couple of months now. He does this thing we’re well speak and then he decides to ghost(doesn’t tell me he’s busy e.g).
We have had conversations about this and he does all the things guys do. Apologise, says he won’t do it next time, and says his communication is bad with everyone. He has also said he doesn’t see the point in speaking everyday on the phone????
I have told him I really like him and I just feel like I’m the one who’s more interested than he is. We’ve only met once. Everytime I ask to see him he’s busy or just doesn’t message me.
I know I deserve better but I really do like him. Am I just being stupid and naive?
BTW I’ve also cut offf all the other guys I was speaking too
Shouldn’t have cut off everyone you’re talking to for someone that’s airing you.
This guy is obviously not invested and that’s why he doesn’t understand why you need to talk every day. It’s because he doesn’t like you enough to talk to you everyday. Sometimes people are telling you how they feel about you to your face without words. Don’t even let this one go, just keep him on the side and try gets your whoever it was entertaining you back. And never ever put all your eggs in one basket for someone who is paying you no mind OKAY