Hey babe,
i wanted to just ask for advice. I love Allah and my religion. I’m so scared of going to hell and displeasing god as well as my parents. But i have a thing with alcohol. I can’t seem to put it down. My friends hardly know i drink and i tend to do it alone at home because it gives me a sense of confidence and happiness. I’m so sad and disappointed with myself, especially more when i’m sober cos i’m aware of my mistakes but regardless i can’t seem to do anything right. It’s completely ruined my relationships and work ethic. I hate it so much but i don’t know what to do. Please can you just give me some kind of motivation. I know what you’re most likely going to say but i feel like i need it written down so i can always refer back to it.
When people have addictions, 9 times out of ten there is usually a deeper reason as to why it makes them do it. Theres the mental addiction which is drinking to get away. Keeping your mind on something else than… something. A way of “fleeing reality” and responsibility. Which I think is why most people have addictions. It the longing for that empty room and then when you taste it, it can easily envelope your life. I watched a documentary about how most users of Coke were actually stable, had jobs, had families. But their addictions were a way of copping. That’s when it becomes difficult to stop. Hours can pass without feeling even an ounce of the weight of the world on your shoulders. So how can you stop when something makes you feel so good?
Then there’s the physical addictions which is when after a long time of using, your body “adjusts” and doesn’t work properly without substance.
You should look into the marshmallow experiment too, I watched it on Youtube (there are many videos) and it basically showed that children’s ability to wait for a second marshmallow was environmentally controlled. So essentially, children whose trust have been betrayed are less likely to believe that the second marshmallow is really coming. They pick a short term reward. I think that early childhood stress may forge habits of impulsivity, which may also be related to addiction and other life problems. A lot of root causes for addictions start from childhood.
You need to figure out why you’re drinking. What is making you so unhappy that this is the path you’re going down? Go back and look at where it started, and start from there. Something has got to give, because eventually your addiction will take everything from you until you have nothing. That’s how addiction works, it’s a slow death.
Look into therapy and counselling, sessions can be as low as 20 pounds an hour and it’s absolutely worth it. Sometimes you just need a little guidance to get you where you need to go. I did counselling for 6 weeks and then stopped because by then I had figured out what I needed to do. I’d definitely consider going back in the future if someone else arises.
Also, remember worldly life is a prison for the believer. It won’t make you 100% happy. Wallahi maybe this is a way of Allah swt calling you back to him. And don’t think because you sin you can’t go back, that’s the Shaytaan telling you otherwise. Go back to him.
Obviously people need coping mechanism to get through life, so find healthier versions. Go gym, start cooking, go out for walks, go on holiday, focus on your career, have a saving goal. Find new ways to distract yourself.
I will keep you in my duas sis. Pick yourself up
Anon
3 years ago
Is it crazy for me to ask my husband to get a STD examination before getting intimate with him (btw I’m about to have my wedding in a few weeks). Ive read so many horror stories about women getting diseases from their partners. I trust him but just to be on the safer side. Also any advice on how I could bring this up to him?
I mean yeah, that is a wild question to ask. Especially if I’m assuming you guys were both celibate before marriage. There’s being careful and then theres this. I say this because we don’t have a culture where everyones having casual sex. If you were non-muslim, then I’d be like this is a smart idea. Because STD checks are really for when you’re having casual sex with multiple partners and you want to be safe.
I wouldn’t bring this up with him honestly
Anon
3 years ago
Not a question but your book taste is IMMACULATE!!!🤍
He’s like my life coach, he’s my Mr Miyagi (he’s not old LMAO)
But yeah recently so many feelings from my upbringing have come to the surface as I have gotten older and I just didn’t know how to deal with them. But since I met him, he literally reminds me to stay calm and find a balance. He is so reasonable its too much
My green flags would be:
If their first instinct is to problem-solve: I think 2 months into my relationship my laptop was literally falling apart and I couldn’t afford to fix it because I had given money to family, he told me to bring my laptop to his car and 3 hours later he came back and it was fixed. He’s like that with any problem I have now.
Being kind: is probably the most important thing because they’ll always be gentle with you.
They show their best self to you: Always are going out their way to impress you and make themselves look good. Someone who has shame.
Very punctual: They have manners and aren’t wasting your time
If they always want to protect you: Asking you to message them when you get home, waiting to see if you’ve gone in. Worried about you being out late taking public transport.
One time a guy was trying to harass me (literally he was about to beat me up, I had to run into a shop) and my husband was on the phone to me (we were 3 months in at that point), he flew to me in 15 mins and then set me up with his Uber account so I never took TFL again. This was way before I had even had a license. Mashallah he is so good to me, May Allah swt protect him
But yeah those are it 🙂
Anon
3 years ago
Hi sis , how do we deal with men who start the conversation sexually . They make sexual remarks about my body and that makes me only believe that they want me sexually .
Girl this is not my bag. I literally just told my mum to get my 3 bridal diraacs whilst she was in Dubai and then I got to pick LOOL.
Flawlesshalf/Aflah bridal has really sexy bridal diraacs though but yeah I’m out of ideas
Anon
3 years ago
Hi so I got a dilemma.
Been married almost 2 years now. Love my wife but not the person she has become since marriage. We have constant arguments. Even about small stuff that become major.
My main problem with her is that she has gained a lot of weight. I haven’t brought it up recently because she gets upset and stops talking to me. So I thought I’ll not bring it up and let her lose the weight without me saying anything. Fast forward to today and she’s become unrecognisable And I’m not okay with it. It’s gotten to a point where I’m embarrassed to go outside with her. But I just don’t know how to talk about it anymore.
Firstly, she is your wife, so extend her some grace. Imagine she said this about you?
However, you are entitled to wanting your wife to be more physically attractive and that is FAIR. I assume she want’s an attractive husband too. But there’s a way of going about it.
Have empathy, people have been indoors for 2 years and it’s probably not just your wife who has gained weight so again, extend her some grace. She is your wife now so you can’t just say “lose weight” – you have to help her. Marriage is about teamwork.
Don’t straight up say you need to lose weight, you don’t want her to feel unattractive because she will probably have an even worse self image and her motivation to lose weight will perish. You need to motivate her and I would say intrinsic motivation works the best.
Make workout goals together. 10k steps a day. Wake up early in the morning together and go gym (me and my husband do this at 5am 4 days a week and its made us stick to our goals).
Go on sporty dates with her, jumping on trampoline, light hiking or riding bike – something really fun to get her to love the control over her own body.
Learn to cook healthier food and you give it to HER. Randomly say “Babe, I’m gonna cook us a meal tonight” and make her something healthy. Then she will be encouraged to make healthy meals.
Give yourselves a cheat date together and schedule it in so you guys have something to look forward to: “In 2 weeks we’ll go to Fat Twins, so no junk food until then.”
The point is, as her Husband you are meant to lead the ship. You want change? You initiate, inspire her to lose weight instead of just referring to her as unrecognisable. That’s not being a team. Remember you have to be very delicate in this situation because the last thing you want to do is knock your wife’s confidence.
P.S: If you do move mad and say something crazy, she might divorce you, then use you as inspiration to lose the weight. Now she’s unrecognizable in the craziest way. You don’t want that to happen do you?
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis do you think a 20 year old girl should date a 25 year old man, we’re both mature but the age gap scares me a little. We go on dates and people usually think he’s my older brother because he looks way older than his age and I have a baby face lol.
5 years is gap is not crazy and you’re both in your twenties goodness me
Anon
3 years ago
This page looks great!! So my dilemma is When I was in high schools I’m dating one guy he was my first bf we love each other we are dating 3 years then we broke up 2018 since that time i actually scared to start relationship sometimes I feel lonely or I missing something Idk but I can’t if man asked me are u ready for relationship? I say I’m not ready or when I’m try to start relationship it’s kind awkward…u know I don’t know about everyone else but I struggle when the word love is brought up. Love to me is something sacred, important, reserved for a person who you’d tell anything to, do anything with, etc. But my thing is the relationship I’ve been in whenever the guy has said “I love you” it doesn’t feel right. In one it felt manipulative, the other it felt too fast, and
the last when he said it ik I didn’t feel the same. Now, because of my experiences, and stuff I feel like I just don’t even like the word anymore. I use it with family but when it comes from anyone else the little voice in my head is questioning the motive behind them telling me they love me. Which maybe that’s fine. To take a moment to really think why they say I love you but idk ig I’m wondering how you guys feel about the topic and the word “love or relationship “?
You’ll know when you love someone and I believe it comes after being with each other for some time. And its a clear difference from being infatuated to being: this person is literally another extension of you. I would think by 3 years you would have known, but like you said, it doesn’t feel right. So maybe listen to your gut?
However, be very careful in the future that you don’t self sabotage yourself. Because it’s very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is not open to receiving love. It’s like being with a wall. Women in relationships are not meant to be hard and tough, being soft and dainty I believe anyway should be your natural instinct always
Anon
3 years ago
How do I find these older men with money please!! I’m nearly 23 and I’m ready to settle down but I don’t want no young boy who’s not financially stable but my main source of men is social media, and even then I wait for them to approach me. I’ve been out the dating scene for a few years now as I was healing loool but now I want to get back in I don’t know where to start. I want to meet people in real life but I don’t know where I should go I’m quite shy and quiet irl which is why social media is a safe option but what grown man with money is gonna be on insta pls
Hey babe,
i wanted to just ask for advice. I love Allah and my religion. I’m so scared of going to hell and displeasing god as well as my parents. But i have a thing with alcohol. I can’t seem to put it down. My friends hardly know i drink and i tend to do it alone at home because it gives me a sense of confidence and happiness. I’m so sad and disappointed with myself, especially more when i’m sober cos i’m aware of my mistakes but regardless i can’t seem to do anything right. It’s completely ruined my relationships and work ethic. I hate it so much but i don’t know what to do. Please can you just give me some kind of motivation. I know what you’re most likely going to say but i feel like i need it written down so i can always refer back to it.
When people have addictions, 9 times out of ten there is usually a deeper reason as to why it makes them do it. Theres the mental addiction which is drinking to get away. Keeping your mind on something else than… something. A way of “fleeing reality” and responsibility. Which I think is why most people have addictions. It the longing for that empty room and then when you taste it, it can easily envelope your life. I watched a documentary about how most users of Coke were actually stable, had jobs, had families. But their addictions were a way of copping. That’s when it becomes difficult to stop. Hours can pass without feeling even an ounce of the weight of the world on your shoulders. So how can you stop when something makes you feel so good?
Then there’s the physical addictions which is when after a long time of using, your body “adjusts” and doesn’t work properly without substance.
You should look into the marshmallow experiment too, I watched it on Youtube (there are many videos) and it basically showed that children’s ability to wait for a second marshmallow was environmentally controlled. So essentially, children whose trust have been betrayed are less likely to believe that the second marshmallow is really coming. They pick a short term reward. I think that early childhood stress may forge habits of impulsivity, which may also be related to addiction and other life problems. A lot of root causes for addictions start from childhood.
You need to figure out why you’re drinking. What is making you so unhappy that this is the path you’re going down? Go back and look at where it started, and start from there. Something has got to give, because eventually your addiction will take everything from you until you have nothing. That’s how addiction works, it’s a slow death.
Look into therapy and counselling, sessions can be as low as 20 pounds an hour and it’s absolutely worth it. Sometimes you just need a little guidance to get you where you need to go. I did counselling for 6 weeks and then stopped because by then I had figured out what I needed to do. I’d definitely consider going back in the future if someone else arises.
Also, remember worldly life is a prison for the believer. It won’t make you 100% happy. Wallahi maybe this is a way of Allah swt calling you back to him. And don’t think because you sin you can’t go back, that’s the Shaytaan telling you otherwise. Go back to him.
Obviously people need coping mechanism to get through life, so find healthier versions. Go gym, start cooking, go out for walks, go on holiday, focus on your career, have a saving goal. Find new ways to distract yourself.
I will keep you in my duas sis. Pick yourself up
Is it crazy for me to ask my husband to get a STD examination before getting intimate with him (btw I’m about to have my wedding in a few weeks). Ive read so many horror stories about women getting diseases from their partners. I trust him but just to be on the safer side. Also any advice on how I could bring this up to him?
I mean yeah, that is a wild question to ask. Especially if I’m assuming you guys were both celibate before marriage. There’s being careful and then theres this. I say this because we don’t have a culture where everyones having casual sex. If you were non-muslim, then I’d be like this is a smart idea. Because STD checks are really for when you’re having casual sex with multiple partners and you want to be safe.
I wouldn’t bring this up with him honestly
Not a question but your book taste is IMMACULATE!!!🤍
Awww thank you girl, give me some suggestions too
How did you know your husband was the one for you? And what would you see are some green flags when dating?
He’s like my life coach, he’s my Mr Miyagi (he’s not old LMAO)
But yeah recently so many feelings from my upbringing have come to the surface as I have gotten older and I just didn’t know how to deal with them. But since I met him, he literally reminds me to stay calm and find a balance. He is so reasonable its too much
My green flags would be:
If their first instinct is to problem-solve: I think 2 months into my relationship my laptop was literally falling apart and I couldn’t afford to fix it because I had given money to family, he told me to bring my laptop to his car and 3 hours later he came back and it was fixed. He’s like that with any problem I have now.
Being kind: is probably the most important thing because they’ll always be gentle with you.
They show their best self to you: Always are going out their way to impress you and make themselves look good. Someone who has shame.
Very punctual: They have manners and aren’t wasting your time
If they always want to protect you: Asking you to message them when you get home, waiting to see if you’ve gone in. Worried about you being out late taking public transport.
One time a guy was trying to harass me (literally he was about to beat me up, I had to run into a shop) and my husband was on the phone to me (we were 3 months in at that point), he flew to me in 15 mins and then set me up with his Uber account so I never took TFL again. This was way before I had even had a license. Mashallah he is so good to me, May Allah swt protect him
But yeah those are it 🙂
Hi sis , how do we deal with men who start the conversation sexually . They make sexual remarks about my body and that makes me only believe that they want me sexually .
You don’t deal with them. You just stop talking to them.
Where can I get fire bridal diracs online (not ilwaaad shop)
Girl this is not my bag. I literally just told my mum to get my 3 bridal diraacs whilst she was in Dubai and then I got to pick LOOL.
Flawlesshalf/Aflah bridal has really sexy bridal diraacs though but yeah I’m out of ideas
Hi so I got a dilemma.
Been married almost 2 years now. Love my wife but not the person she has become since marriage. We have constant arguments. Even about small stuff that become major.
My main problem with her is that she has gained a lot of weight. I haven’t brought it up recently because she gets upset and stops talking to me. So I thought I’ll not bring it up and let her lose the weight without me saying anything. Fast forward to today and she’s become unrecognisable And I’m not okay with it. It’s gotten to a point where I’m embarrassed to go outside with her. But I just don’t know how to talk about it anymore.
What do I do about this? How do I go about it
Firstly, she is your wife, so extend her some grace. Imagine she said this about you?
However, you are entitled to wanting your wife to be more physically attractive and that is FAIR. I assume she want’s an attractive husband too. But there’s a way of going about it.
Have empathy, people have been indoors for 2 years and it’s probably not just your wife who has gained weight so again, extend her some grace. She is your wife now so you can’t just say “lose weight” – you have to help her. Marriage is about teamwork.
Don’t straight up say you need to lose weight, you don’t want her to feel unattractive because she will probably have an even worse self image and her motivation to lose weight will perish. You need to motivate her and I would say intrinsic motivation works the best.
Make workout goals together. 10k steps a day. Wake up early in the morning together and go gym (me and my husband do this at 5am 4 days a week and its made us stick to our goals).
Go on sporty dates with her, jumping on trampoline, light hiking or riding bike – something really fun to get her to love the control over her own body.
Learn to cook healthier food and you give it to HER. Randomly say “Babe, I’m gonna cook us a meal tonight” and make her something healthy. Then she will be encouraged to make healthy meals.
Give yourselves a cheat date together and schedule it in so you guys have something to look forward to: “In 2 weeks we’ll go to Fat Twins, so no junk food until then.”
The point is, as her Husband you are meant to lead the ship. You want change? You initiate, inspire her to lose weight instead of just referring to her as unrecognisable. That’s not being a team. Remember you have to be very delicate in this situation because the last thing you want to do is knock your wife’s confidence.
P.S: If you do move mad and say something crazy, she might divorce you, then use you as inspiration to lose the weight. Now she’s unrecognizable in the craziest way. You don’t want that to happen do you?
Hey sis do you think a 20 year old girl should date a 25 year old man, we’re both mature but the age gap scares me a little. We go on dates and people usually think he’s my older brother because he looks way older than his age and I have a baby face lol.
5 years is gap is not crazy and you’re both in your twenties goodness me
This page looks great!! So my dilemma is When I was in high schools I’m dating one guy he was my first bf we love each other we are dating 3 years then we broke up 2018 since that time i actually scared to start relationship sometimes I feel lonely or I missing something Idk but I can’t if man asked me are u ready for relationship? I say I’m not ready or when I’m try to start relationship it’s kind awkward…u know I don’t know about everyone else but I struggle when the word love is brought up. Love to me is something sacred, important, reserved for a person who you’d tell anything to, do anything with, etc. But my thing is the relationship I’ve been in whenever the guy has said “I love you” it doesn’t feel right. In one it felt manipulative, the other it felt too fast, and
the last when he said it ik I didn’t feel the same. Now, because of my experiences, and stuff I feel like I just don’t even like the word anymore. I use it with family but when it comes from anyone else the little voice in my head is questioning the motive behind them telling me they love me. Which maybe that’s fine. To take a moment to really think why they say I love you but idk ig I’m wondering how you guys feel about the topic and the word “love or relationship “?
You’ll know when you love someone and I believe it comes after being with each other for some time. And its a clear difference from being infatuated to being: this person is literally another extension of you. I would think by 3 years you would have known, but like you said, it doesn’t feel right. So maybe listen to your gut?
However, be very careful in the future that you don’t self sabotage yourself. Because it’s very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is not open to receiving love. It’s like being with a wall. Women in relationships are not meant to be hard and tough, being soft and dainty I believe anyway should be your natural instinct always
How do I find these older men with money please!! I’m nearly 23 and I’m ready to settle down but I don’t want no young boy who’s not financially stable but my main source of men is social media, and even then I wait for them to approach me. I’ve been out the dating scene for a few years now as I was healing loool but now I want to get back in I don’t know where to start. I want to meet people in real life but I don’t know where I should go I’m quite shy and quiet irl which is why social media is a safe option but what grown man with money is gonna be on insta pls
Well you’re right about them not being on social media, well they are but most of them have burners.
I guess you have to go to places where those kind of men are. Not places like shisha spots etc but