Hi sis,
Me and this guy have been on and off seeing each other for a few years now like a childhood sweetheart situation. It’s become clear what we have is toxic and won’t work in the long term so things are over for good. However I genuinely cannot imagine myself with another man, physically emotionally everything. Me and this man have not been intimate in that way together but I really feel like it’s a trauma bond or a soul tie whatever they call it. The way we have banter the emotional connection and just general convos whenever we’ve been on our breaks and I’ve spoken to other people I just can’t find it in them. I’m so scared I’ll never find anybody lmao. Sometimes I think what if he really was the one and I didn’t try hard enough but then the reg flags were bright as hell so it can’t be that. Working things out with him isn’t an option I just want to move forward with someone new. Also for context I’ve taken a lot of time to heal, started a new business, gained another hobby but I just can’t seem to get over it. I don’t even know how to talk to men I’ve been out the game so long. My friends keep telling me to go on dates but I don’t even know where to get dates pls loool this sounds more like a venting situation rather than a dilemma but i know I need to hear some harsh truths
When you say stuff like “I can’t imagine myself with someone else” “we have a spiritual bond” “emotional connection” of course you’re not going to move on. Sometimes we don’t realise it, but the tongue is literally stopping you from physically and emotionally letting go. Because you’re body is already subconsciously doing all the things you said which translated to: “I’m never letting go.”
So start there. Stop overcomplicating the situation. He is not good for you and that is not enough FOR YOU. Like you said, there were just simply too many red flags. If you were to eventually go back to him, what would you gain? Would you even be happier? Probably not, and the problems will still be there. Realise nothing you do is going to change the facts. The facts are the facts.
The only way you will get over him is through time + meeting someone new. For me, meeting someone new is quicker and better. I would rather not waste time feeling like shit. Going on dates is fun, being courted is FUN. It’s a nice distraction and honestly you just end up forgetting about any ex you’ve had. Craziest part of this is you have convinced yourself you probably won’t find anything better, well how better is he because its clearly not enough if you’re no longer with him. There’s so much better out there man, you have to see it to believe. Go out, meet new people and allow yourself to be happy.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis, hope you’re well.
I just wanted to ask for opinions/advice on this.
As someone who has no children and has not been married, would it be crazy for me to be serious (potentially marry) about someone that was previously married and has a child?
Find him really attractive. He’s very kind, does really well for himself and is so funny. We see eye to eye on so many things I’ve struggled to connect with other men over in my past relationships etc. I am impressed by his emotional maturity too. There are so many good signs but I’m a little hesitant to really invest myself fully.
I do worry a little, mainly because there is someone who he has this massive connection with (ex wife). I would need to see how I feel about that. I guess I also feel like it would be nice to share the experience of everything for the first time with someone that hasn’t been through it all. But does that really matter if the person is genuinely a great match and ticks literally all other boxes?
I am not judging him at all. I also think because of our age (late 20s) it’s not too uncommon for people to have had serious relationships or a marriage at this point. I just worry that I’m putting myself in a difficult position that I shouldn’t? It’s a lot. The previous marriage wouldn’t even be a big deal to me but having a child, means there’s always the mother involved and having to work out how I fit into all that and then working on building a good relationship with the child etc etc.
Is it mad even entertaining this? I don’t think it is, but I also don’t always make the best choices. Idk lol help please!
Had you been 20-22, I would have said no. Why should you sign up to be a step mum ??
But like you said, by you’re in your late 20’s, most muslims by that age would probably been married and had at least one kid. So its definitely not unheard of. I can’t tell you now to not consider men with kids because that with dwindle your options considerably but especially after you reach 30. So no, I don’t think its crazy to consider a future with a man who has a child. Shit happens man, sometimes not all relationships are going to work out.
All you should focus on now is whether he is a good father. Because best believe, however he treats that child, he will do to yours. If he is a good loving father, go ahead. Daddies need love too sis
Also find out what the relationship is like with the mother of his child, you need to know the full picture of what you’re getting yourself into.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sistersss, quick question. I’ve always had. A nonchalant type of thing goin on with so much. With career, friends, life. At the same time inside and not nonchalant j care a lot. To give an example ive always acted like birthdays are not a big deal to me in my teens but they are and I realised afterwards it was because no one was doing anything for me so I probably just acted like it wasn’t deep to me to feel better. I have this mindset in other arenas. Even like with find a s/o. I know am still in 20s but I feel like it doesn’t always work out for everyone in life. Not everyone is meant to have an incredible good life. What if I am one of those that won’t find love or amazing friends or great birthdays. Am I giving up or accepting reality I don’t get it
When you don’t make it clear how you should be treated, you leave it up to those around you to decide how they should treat you. And that’s never a good thing. You want people to make a big deal out of you? Make a big deal out of yourself, celebrate all your wins, big and small. Have a birthday/graduation dinner instead of celebrating it by yourself.
You also need this attitude when you get into relationships. Men are really dumb, if they see you not caring about stuff like Valentines day or your birthday, they won’t do anything for you because they think you don’t care about that. That’s why again, you need to make it very clear how you want to be treated. Don’t accept it now, tomorrows a new day. Set your standards and live by it. Your friends don’t do nothing for you on your birthday, call them out for being neglectful friends. Don’t be passive okay
Anon
3 years ago
Wanted to see another eye on this. This guy is sweet, caring, understand, patient like all of this. Emotionally intelligent the lottt. I turned him down but he took it in his grace, always sweet and comforting. But am not in a place to be in anything. He’s giving me some space but I feel like I would’ve wanted him to be there for me going through things. Am v self aware but also insecure. Is he wrong for leaving me when I felt I needed him or is he right since why should he stay with someone that’s not in a place for anything and hasn’t given him any signs that she likes him. Am defo being too distant to him and regret it. I should’ve comforted him more, complimented him when he was kind. I feel like I sucked his energy dry and even then he was still so respectful and sweet. I only saw it this way way after but I do really like him. I want better for him but when I think about it maybe it is self- sabotage like I feel not woman enough. Like there are girls that would clean cook be very sweet look after him. Maybe I need to rate myself more am just very confused. I want him without everything that comes with marriage. I never even thought about marriage till like a year ago even as something for me
You dropped the ball and this is just one of those moments where you have to take the lesson and learn from it, so you never do it again.
It’s very hard for people to be there for you when you don’t communicate, and instead you just build a huge barrier literally pushing them away. He probably could have been there for you had you let him. He’s not wrong for leaving you, you told him you wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship with him. And that’s what he did. I get in hindsight that’s not what you wanted, but you can’t fault the guy for following your instructions. He can’t read your mind. This is why communication is key man.
There is obviously a deeper reason why you’re doing this. I would honestly tell you to self reflect, getting to the bottom of your fear and dealing with it. Essentially learning to love and forgive yourself, so you could be accepting of love from other people. Without that you’re just going to keep missing opportunities.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi
I just wanted to know if I am a terrible person for what I wrote in my friends group chat on WhatsApp. I have this group chat of around 10 close friends from university. We graduated a while back (nearly 4 years ago) but we still talk on it almost everyday.
Two of my friends are married and one had a baby late November. Obviously I am really happy for her. When this friend was getting married and all throughout her pregnancy she would talk non stop about it on the GC Which is totally understandable. Like all over convo would stop basically Cus the GC basically became about her.
Fast forward to now I am getting married in two weeks. Every time I would post something in relation to my wedding she would talk about what her daughter did that day or would send a pic. I say mashallah and praise her but I am kinda getting annoyed and I can’t help it. It is like she can’t handle not being in the limelight anymore, which sounds silly I know .
Anyway I have a bridal shower this Sunday which quite a few people are attending. I posted on the group chat about it and straight away she posted about her baby. I kind off had enough and wrote ‘That is cute. Anyways, does anyone have xxxx’ it got a bit awkward. Do you think I am being a petty friend and being childish? Or are my feelings valid?
I’m gonna try to see it from a different perspective, but I think your friend just got used to it being about her. She was the first to reach big milestones and of course everything she had to share with you guys. The baby is her life. She’s not being malicious, she’s just really excited. However, I will say she lacks a lot of self awareness. I get how annoying it can be when someone is misdirecting the conversation when you’re saying something really important. But I honestly don’t think she meant anything by it.
I wouldn’t bring it up with her, because no matter how you put it, she won’t take it well. Next time I would just make a separate GC and not add her and a few others. I’m sure the rest of your friends in the chat feel the exact same way.
But yeah you weren’t being petty, eventually it was going to get to you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And you know what, maybe this will make her more self aware.
Anon
3 years ago
Selaam Sis. I’m in a relationship with a guy i have known for many years . He loves me so much and would literally worship the ground i walk on (exaggeration) but honestly he loves me alot . We are in a long distance relationship . I only feel attracted to him when we are together and when i’m not with him i don’t feel like i love him. I feel i get attracted to other guys around me. I dont love him as much as he does. I want to be with someone i love. I have never been in a relationship with any guy but i know i am in a dilemma . I want to move on with guys around me while he is still there waiting for me. I’m confused.
You might just have relationship anxiety. Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. For most people, in the beginning they are not quite sure of the relationship. And its not because of any flags, its quite the opposite, everything is seemingly perfect. But you still can’t adjust to the idea of being with one person and loving them. When you haven’t made that choice yet, you start feeling anxious because you’re like wtf am I doing here. I feel like once you accept this relationship, you will be able to move past your anxiety every time those feelings would crop up and exacerbate themselves. Sometimes its not “I don’t love him when he’s not around”, you just haven’t accepted the idea of being with him because the feeling makes you far too anxious. And its more so because you have never been in a relationship before so this is all new to you, which can be quite scary.
Also maybe you’re looking at it from a point of: If I commit to this, I can never look at other people again. Not true, you guys are not married. Until you sign the dotted line, technically you guys are all free agents. So you actually can decide to end the relationship whenever you want. But remember, this is not really how committed loving relationships are built. When you are too fixated with the idea of choice, you’ll never be able to build something with ONE person because you’re too busy looking elsewhere.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi girlies,
I’ve been speaking to this guy who’s amazing, so kind, respectful. He later told me about his bad habits, he smokes, drinks alcohol the lot! Me personally use to smoke weed but never drank before, I’m looking at it as I’m not one to judge, he’s So kind to me, out of all the guys I would say he’s the best he ticks all my boxes but it’s just his bad habits That’s just making me side eye the whole situation. Am I being childish? What do you suppose I do? Pls help!! Much appreciated xxx
Think of it this way, do you guys think you can genuinely have a serious relationship or even marriage when both of you have balwaads? Who is going to encourage the other to stop? And by the sounds of it, his lifestyle is not cohesive with someone who is looking to stop. But it depends on what you want, does he make up in other areas? Or does his lifestyle revolve around partying and substance abuse?
Anon
3 years ago
To the girl who’s been speaking to a guy that ghosts her and says he’s busy all the time and doesn’t see the point in speaking on the phone everyday… does he work in security by any chance 💀
Hey babe. I was talking to this one boy and it went really well we spoke for a couple of months and he made me feel good. He complimented me all the time and I got to know him really well. We even talked about marriage. A couple months after we first started speaking he started becoming really distant and rude. He would ignore me and my messages. But then he would act like it had never happened. This has happened several times. We even planned to meet up but he started to ignore me close to the day. I don’t know what to do because when we are on good terms it goes really well and i think he may be the one for me. What should I do?
Airing = he doesn’t like you. He literally just wants to talk to you on his time and then ghosts when he feels like it. He’s flaky and inconsistent, and when you try to force a relationship with someone like this, it usually ends up with you liking him wayyyy more than he likes you
Anon
3 years ago
Going on my first ever date next week and I need to know everything lol. I feel
like cancelling because I’m so anxious. I just don’t want it to be awkward, that’s my main isssue.
When talking during a first date, make it fun! Don’t go into interview mode. Don’t ask him lots of questions. Make it chill vibes, like you’d have with a good friend. If you’re with friends, you also don’t tend to fire questions at each other. Make it like that, also don’t talk for the sake of talking. Be a good listener. No phones on a date, it makes you look disinterested. Give compliments when they’re talking about something they’re really passionate about. And always remember to smile. Also he is probably nervous too, so try to think of it as you getting them out of their shell. Its easier that way, plus it gives you the upper hand to lead where the date is going
Hi sis,
Me and this guy have been on and off seeing each other for a few years now like a childhood sweetheart situation. It’s become clear what we have is toxic and won’t work in the long term so things are over for good. However I genuinely cannot imagine myself with another man, physically emotionally everything. Me and this man have not been intimate in that way together but I really feel like it’s a trauma bond or a soul tie whatever they call it. The way we have banter the emotional connection and just general convos whenever we’ve been on our breaks and I’ve spoken to other people I just can’t find it in them. I’m so scared I’ll never find anybody lmao. Sometimes I think what if he really was the one and I didn’t try hard enough but then the reg flags were bright as hell so it can’t be that. Working things out with him isn’t an option I just want to move forward with someone new. Also for context I’ve taken a lot of time to heal, started a new business, gained another hobby but I just can’t seem to get over it. I don’t even know how to talk to men I’ve been out the game so long. My friends keep telling me to go on dates but I don’t even know where to get dates pls loool this sounds more like a venting situation rather than a dilemma but i know I need to hear some harsh truths
When you say stuff like “I can’t imagine myself with someone else” “we have a spiritual bond” “emotional connection” of course you’re not going to move on. Sometimes we don’t realise it, but the tongue is literally stopping you from physically and emotionally letting go. Because you’re body is already subconsciously doing all the things you said which translated to: “I’m never letting go.”
So start there. Stop overcomplicating the situation. He is not good for you and that is not enough FOR YOU. Like you said, there were just simply too many red flags. If you were to eventually go back to him, what would you gain? Would you even be happier? Probably not, and the problems will still be there. Realise nothing you do is going to change the facts. The facts are the facts.
The only way you will get over him is through time + meeting someone new. For me, meeting someone new is quicker and better. I would rather not waste time feeling like shit. Going on dates is fun, being courted is FUN. It’s a nice distraction and honestly you just end up forgetting about any ex you’ve had. Craziest part of this is you have convinced yourself you probably won’t find anything better, well how better is he because its clearly not enough if you’re no longer with him. There’s so much better out there man, you have to see it to believe. Go out, meet new people and allow yourself to be happy.
Hey sis, hope you’re well.
I just wanted to ask for opinions/advice on this.
As someone who has no children and has not been married, would it be crazy for me to be serious (potentially marry) about someone that was previously married and has a child?
Find him really attractive. He’s very kind, does really well for himself and is so funny. We see eye to eye on so many things I’ve struggled to connect with other men over in my past relationships etc. I am impressed by his emotional maturity too. There are so many good signs but I’m a little hesitant to really invest myself fully.
I do worry a little, mainly because there is someone who he has this massive connection with (ex wife). I would need to see how I feel about that. I guess I also feel like it would be nice to share the experience of everything for the first time with someone that hasn’t been through it all. But does that really matter if the person is genuinely a great match and ticks literally all other boxes?
I am not judging him at all. I also think because of our age (late 20s) it’s not too uncommon for people to have had serious relationships or a marriage at this point. I just worry that I’m putting myself in a difficult position that I shouldn’t? It’s a lot. The previous marriage wouldn’t even be a big deal to me but having a child, means there’s always the mother involved and having to work out how I fit into all that and then working on building a good relationship with the child etc etc.
Is it mad even entertaining this? I don’t think it is, but I also don’t always make the best choices. Idk lol help please!
Had you been 20-22, I would have said no. Why should you sign up to be a step mum ??
But like you said, by you’re in your late 20’s, most muslims by that age would probably been married and had at least one kid. So its definitely not unheard of. I can’t tell you now to not consider men with kids because that with dwindle your options considerably but especially after you reach 30. So no, I don’t think its crazy to consider a future with a man who has a child. Shit happens man, sometimes not all relationships are going to work out.
All you should focus on now is whether he is a good father. Because best believe, however he treats that child, he will do to yours. If he is a good loving father, go ahead. Daddies need love too sis
Also find out what the relationship is like with the mother of his child, you need to know the full picture of what you’re getting yourself into.
Hey sistersss, quick question. I’ve always had. A nonchalant type of thing goin on with so much. With career, friends, life. At the same time inside and not nonchalant j care a lot. To give an example ive always acted like birthdays are not a big deal to me in my teens but they are and I realised afterwards it was because no one was doing anything for me so I probably just acted like it wasn’t deep to me to feel better. I have this mindset in other arenas. Even like with find a s/o. I know am still in 20s but I feel like it doesn’t always work out for everyone in life. Not everyone is meant to have an incredible good life. What if I am one of those that won’t find love or amazing friends or great birthdays. Am I giving up or accepting reality I don’t get it
You set the standards for yourself.
When you don’t make it clear how you should be treated, you leave it up to those around you to decide how they should treat you. And that’s never a good thing. You want people to make a big deal out of you? Make a big deal out of yourself, celebrate all your wins, big and small. Have a birthday/graduation dinner instead of celebrating it by yourself.
You also need this attitude when you get into relationships. Men are really dumb, if they see you not caring about stuff like Valentines day or your birthday, they won’t do anything for you because they think you don’t care about that. That’s why again, you need to make it very clear how you want to be treated. Don’t accept it now, tomorrows a new day. Set your standards and live by it. Your friends don’t do nothing for you on your birthday, call them out for being neglectful friends. Don’t be passive okay
Wanted to see another eye on this. This guy is sweet, caring, understand, patient like all of this. Emotionally intelligent the lottt. I turned him down but he took it in his grace, always sweet and comforting. But am not in a place to be in anything. He’s giving me some space but I feel like I would’ve wanted him to be there for me going through things. Am v self aware but also insecure. Is he wrong for leaving me when I felt I needed him or is he right since why should he stay with someone that’s not in a place for anything and hasn’t given him any signs that she likes him. Am defo being too distant to him and regret it. I should’ve comforted him more, complimented him when he was kind. I feel like I sucked his energy dry and even then he was still so respectful and sweet. I only saw it this way way after but I do really like him. I want better for him but when I think about it maybe it is self- sabotage like I feel not woman enough. Like there are girls that would clean cook be very sweet look after him. Maybe I need to rate myself more am just very confused. I want him without everything that comes with marriage. I never even thought about marriage till like a year ago even as something for me
You dropped the ball and this is just one of those moments where you have to take the lesson and learn from it, so you never do it again.
It’s very hard for people to be there for you when you don’t communicate, and instead you just build a huge barrier literally pushing them away. He probably could have been there for you had you let him. He’s not wrong for leaving you, you told him you wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship with him. And that’s what he did. I get in hindsight that’s not what you wanted, but you can’t fault the guy for following your instructions. He can’t read your mind. This is why communication is key man.
There is obviously a deeper reason why you’re doing this. I would honestly tell you to self reflect, getting to the bottom of your fear and dealing with it. Essentially learning to love and forgive yourself, so you could be accepting of love from other people. Without that you’re just going to keep missing opportunities.
Hi
I just wanted to know if I am a terrible person for what I wrote in my friends group chat on WhatsApp. I have this group chat of around 10 close friends from university. We graduated a while back (nearly 4 years ago) but we still talk on it almost everyday.
Two of my friends are married and one had a baby late November. Obviously I am really happy for her. When this friend was getting married and all throughout her pregnancy she would talk non stop about it on the GC Which is totally understandable. Like all over convo would stop basically Cus the GC basically became about her.
Fast forward to now I am getting married in two weeks. Every time I would post something in relation to my wedding she would talk about what her daughter did that day or would send a pic. I say mashallah and praise her but I am kinda getting annoyed and I can’t help it. It is like she can’t handle not being in the limelight anymore, which sounds silly I know .
Anyway I have a bridal shower this Sunday which quite a few people are attending. I posted on the group chat about it and straight away she posted about her baby. I kind off had enough and wrote ‘That is cute. Anyways, does anyone have xxxx’ it got a bit awkward. Do you think I am being a petty friend and being childish? Or are my feelings valid?
Your feelings are definitely valid.
I’m gonna try to see it from a different perspective, but I think your friend just got used to it being about her. She was the first to reach big milestones and of course everything she had to share with you guys. The baby is her life. She’s not being malicious, she’s just really excited. However, I will say she lacks a lot of self awareness. I get how annoying it can be when someone is misdirecting the conversation when you’re saying something really important. But I honestly don’t think she meant anything by it.
I wouldn’t bring it up with her, because no matter how you put it, she won’t take it well. Next time I would just make a separate GC and not add her and a few others. I’m sure the rest of your friends in the chat feel the exact same way.
But yeah you weren’t being petty, eventually it was going to get to you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And you know what, maybe this will make her more self aware.
Selaam Sis. I’m in a relationship with a guy i have known for many years . He loves me so much and would literally worship the ground i walk on (exaggeration) but honestly he loves me alot . We are in a long distance relationship . I only feel attracted to him when we are together and when i’m not with him i don’t feel like i love him. I feel i get attracted to other guys around me. I dont love him as much as he does. I want to be with someone i love. I have never been in a relationship with any guy but i know i am in a dilemma . I want to move on with guys around me while he is still there waiting for me. I’m confused.
You might just have relationship anxiety. Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. For most people, in the beginning they are not quite sure of the relationship. And its not because of any flags, its quite the opposite, everything is seemingly perfect. But you still can’t adjust to the idea of being with one person and loving them. When you haven’t made that choice yet, you start feeling anxious because you’re like wtf am I doing here. I feel like once you accept this relationship, you will be able to move past your anxiety every time those feelings would crop up and exacerbate themselves. Sometimes its not “I don’t love him when he’s not around”, you just haven’t accepted the idea of being with him because the feeling makes you far too anxious. And its more so because you have never been in a relationship before so this is all new to you, which can be quite scary.
Also maybe you’re looking at it from a point of: If I commit to this, I can never look at other people again. Not true, you guys are not married. Until you sign the dotted line, technically you guys are all free agents. So you actually can decide to end the relationship whenever you want. But remember, this is not really how committed loving relationships are built. When you are too fixated with the idea of choice, you’ll never be able to build something with ONE person because you’re too busy looking elsewhere.
Hi girlies,
I’ve been speaking to this guy who’s amazing, so kind, respectful. He later told me about his bad habits, he smokes, drinks alcohol the lot! Me personally use to smoke weed but never drank before, I’m looking at it as I’m not one to judge, he’s So kind to me, out of all the guys I would say he’s the best he ticks all my boxes but it’s just his bad habits That’s just making me side eye the whole situation. Am I being childish? What do you suppose I do? Pls help!! Much appreciated xxx
He smokes and he drinks?
Think of it this way, do you guys think you can genuinely have a serious relationship or even marriage when both of you have balwaads? Who is going to encourage the other to stop? And by the sounds of it, his lifestyle is not cohesive with someone who is looking to stop. But it depends on what you want, does he make up in other areas? Or does his lifestyle revolve around partying and substance abuse?
To the girl who’s been speaking to a guy that ghosts her and says he’s busy all the time and doesn’t see the point in speaking on the phone everyday… does he work in security by any chance 💀
Oh no what do we have here
Hey babe. I was talking to this one boy and it went really well we spoke for a couple of months and he made me feel good. He complimented me all the time and I got to know him really well. We even talked about marriage. A couple months after we first started speaking he started becoming really distant and rude. He would ignore me and my messages. But then he would act like it had never happened. This has happened several times. We even planned to meet up but he started to ignore me close to the day. I don’t know what to do because when we are on good terms it goes really well and i think he may be the one for me. What should I do?
He is NOT the one for you.
Airing = he doesn’t like you. He literally just wants to talk to you on his time and then ghosts when he feels like it. He’s flaky and inconsistent, and when you try to force a relationship with someone like this, it usually ends up with you liking him wayyyy more than he likes you
Going on my first ever date next week and I need to know everything lol. I feel
like cancelling because I’m so anxious. I just don’t want it to be awkward, that’s my main isssue.
Girl don’t be nervous!
When talking during a first date, make it fun! Don’t go into interview mode. Don’t ask him lots of questions. Make it chill vibes, like you’d have with a good friend. If you’re with friends, you also don’t tend to fire questions at each other. Make it like that, also don’t talk for the sake of talking. Be a good listener. No phones on a date, it makes you look disinterested. Give compliments when they’re talking about something they’re really passionate about. And always remember to smile. Also he is probably nervous too, so try to think of it as you getting them out of their shell. Its easier that way, plus it gives you the upper hand to lead where the date is going