I just need some advice real quick i need know if I’m the issue or not. I’ve never taken a man serious but I’m looking to get married in the next year or two, but I hardly ever go out and do spontaneous things so how will I meet the loml??? I have anxiety which makes everything 10x worse. Men in this generation are so weird which gets me so anxious BUT I need I genuinely don’t know what to do!!! Am I the issue here please let me know????
You can’t plan to get married in the next year or two if you don’t even have potentials (unless you plan to have an arranged marriage)
Stop giving deadlines to yourself because either two things will happen
1) You won’t reach that deadline and it’ll make you feel like you’ve failed
2) You look at anyone and everyone as a potential, and it’ll make you committed to settling for anyone. And then it’ll be you dealing with the red flags later
What you can do though is this:
1) Go out more often, spend more time making memories. That’s how you really meet people. Even on holidays you can meet potentials, they are everywhere.
2) Don’t go into dating with negativity, because its very obvious. Be optimistic because then you give off good vibes and eventually you’ll attract more people
3) Spruce up your look a little bit. Invest in yourself because physical attraction is really how people approach you in the first place. Look after your teeth, try more natural make up, get into creating outfits etc
Anon
4 years ago
How do you become more happy , fun and bubbly the pandemic has really made me a grumpy bitch as I’ve experienced so much that my personality has kind of changed and I don’t feel myself and I feel like I’m so behind on everything I’m 20 but I’m feel so old that I’m not a teen anymore and I have to start facing the really world more it’s just been really overwhelming and i feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with life I’m uni but that it I’ve completely lost motivation before I used to be soo active with balancing everything and not feeling like this but I used constantly feel sad and I’m not doing enough
Appreciation is the first step. Appreciation of everything.
Look at everything you have around you and say Alhamdulilah. There’s this really good quote and its ‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around in a while, you might miss it’ and its absolutely true.
Start being physically active again. Physical exercise is basically a natural drug, except it’s good for you. Personally I noticed at the end of the week I’ll feel really down if I hadn’t spent it going to gym. It makes me feel like I’ve wasted my week
Be compassionate to yourself. Not that ‘love yourself’ bullshit but its just giving yourself grace. You’re not going to have your shit together all the time but you are not going to die. See every day as an opportunity to make things right. You can almost always try again
Being organised. This is my bag. I can only work efficiently if everything around me is tidy. I will clean my house, my office, everything. And then I always use a planner or a little notebook to put down notes of everything I want to do. Then it doesn’t feel like all my thoughts are just rambling in my head
Force yourself to be happy, seriously. I know it sounds stupid but wallahi there is no benefit in being hopeless, because that won’t get you out of your situation. It forces you to stay where you’re at and very rarely do other people around you help. Have your 30 min moments when you’re down and then pick yourself up. Only you have yourself. I feel like I have a cry every few weeks and then I’m back up ready to try again
Anon
4 years ago
How do you stop yourself from catching feeling so quick every guy that I’ve talking to her eventually I catch feelings for him or I will then it will go as quick as it came , I’m 19 and never used really get attention from guys before but now that I’m not really used to which can be a factor but I want to date different types but I end up catching feelings sooo quick over the smallest things
Stop looking at every man you see as a potential for marriage. That’s one.
You need to remind yourself that you don’t know this person. It’s easy to get caught up after even just a few minutes talking to someone and thinking about a possible future, but what are you basing it on? There’s a lot that goes into a relationship, and getting some attention doesn’t automatically mean he is perfect for you.
That’s the way to focus it. You’re just getting to know them. Then if over time and the appropriate amount of dates, you realize they check all the right boxes, at that point your feelings are probably real. Until then, it’s all a fantasy in your head.
Go into each relationship as a learning opportunity.
Some people are only meant to come into your life to show you a lesson and teach you something about yourself. Especially with how you want your husband to be. Most frogs you date only remind you of all the things you don’t want. Enjoy the experience and move on
Get it out of your head that you’re going to find the man of your dreams at 19
Although sometimes this does happen, its very rare. Most guys at that age aren’t serious and don’t even know how to be in a relationship. Teaching them is labour and its not worth it for someone your age when you could just be having fun
Anon
4 years ago
How do you start feeling more happy for others especially your peers , I never vocalize it or think it’s coming from a bad place but it’s hard sometimes to see people around you achieving things that you want and it doesn’t work out for you I know I should trust allah plan and stop beating myself up for it but I constantly get pressured and work hard but there are people who don’t and still manage to get things so easily and it’s just hard to come to terms with it sometimes
You know what, I don’t think I’ve ever been jealous or envious of someone when they made an achievement. And that’s even when I had nothing. I think its because of my attitude because it didn’t stop me from wanting what they had too. Oh I wanted it with every fibre of my being but I just knew it was coming, like I always knew for a fact I’m going to get what I want. It was just a matter of time, discipline and circumstance. Even when I used to see moving out videos on youtube, I just used to think Im gonna have this one day I know it. And it was the same with driving and getting a job. When you have already convinced yourself that you will get those things too, you stop looking at other people. Wallahi I have the patience of a saint, I can wait through anything. Its my little coping mechanism and it stops me from beating myself up about the things I don’t have yet.
Also get yourself out of the habit of thinking people get things easily, because majority of the time you’re wrong. You really don’t know what people go through and how much they have prayed and struggled to get to where they need to be. I get this quite often which is why I can relate. Wallahi if you knew the half you would be 100% convinced that illahi only gave me the things I have is because of how much I endured but that I was still patient through it all. I’m glad I’m one of those people, because if its all gone tomorrow, I know I can wait it out and get it again. Doesn’t matter. I benefit nothing by being hopeless. Wallahi hope is all you have.
I’ll keep you in my duas and May Allah swt grant you all the things your heart desires
Anon
4 years ago
What advice would you give your 19 year old self in regards to life with the knowledge you have now ( confidence, dating , friendships and just dealing with life)
If I could give my 19 year old self some advice it would be this:
Stop calling everyone your friends, because people will show you who they are.
Not to worry if everything looks like it’s falling apart right now. Life has a weird way of working itself out.
And no the guy you like is not going to be your Husband and thank God for it. Most guys you meet are a waste of time (my mum used to let me know every single day LMAO)
Relationships that age are not important at all. The kind of men you’re exposed to at that age is not really good anyway. They can do nothing for you. But I knew that already
Allah swt sometimes will test you with what you love, so keep being patient.
Keep paying your dues. I was never a quitter and I love me for it. Because persistence makes you more disciplined and it will outshine any other attribute, every time.
Keep doing what you’re doing, because illahi is going to bless you tenfold.
Anon
4 years ago
I find it really hard to balance things in my life and get overwhelmed, how would you advice to have a routine for work , uni , driving lessons and gym
If you’re in uni, get your driving lessons out the way. Because trust me you’re not going to have free time like that again.
I’m still trying to find balance and even though times I’m really good at it, covid did really affect my discipline. Sometimes all it can take is one thing to go wrong and then my whole routine is fucked up. So I try to see every Monday as an opportunity to start again.
If you can whilst in uni don’t work that much, or just trying to have a set schedule every week. Do work more than 2-3 days. Go sleep early, wallahi you will thank yourself for it because you start your day earlier. To try and get you back in the gym, start slow. Commit to 2 days a week for a month, and then next month do 3 days a week. Go to classes instead because those really push you.
When I was in uni, I set up a standing order weekly to another bank card that I forgot about, and I would put as little as 20 pounds in there. It got to the point I completely forgot about it and when I checked there was 980 in there. That 20 pounds you would have probably spent it on food.
Anon
4 years ago
Someone I was kind of getting to know end of 2020 has decided to pop up asking to “reconnect” – not sure if I should bother or how to respond? Context is met on an app, didn’t get round to meeting and then kind of mutually ghosted, wasn’t super interested at the time but we barely knew each other. He seems alright lol, don’t really care either way. Also do I ask about the disappearance back then?
Why not reconnect, sometimes timing doesn’t work out and maybe it will this time. Don’t ask, if he brings it up- then I would say to ask.
Anon
4 years ago
Hey Lula, I have been seeing a guy that I really like and he likes me a lot (we are both Somali btw) last night we was talking and the tpopic of FGM came up and he mentioned that he couldn’t get with someone who had the procedure done. I had the fgm done on me , is the one that Somali call ‘sunnah’ but it’s still traumatic as fuck and even though I had it done at 6 years old , even having the thought of talking about fgm makes my stomach turn. I’m scared to tell him because I really like him and don’t want to lose him and is something I keep private and don’t tell anyone even my best friends and I’m scared after I tell him he will tell our friends and share it with others What shall I do?
If he has said that before, I wouldn’t tell him at all. In fact I would end things all together. Some people show you how they deal with traumas and sensitive matters just by how they speak. It’s like when guys talk about post partum weight and how mothers need to hit the gym, If i heard a man say that to me no way in hell am I going to want to bear a child for him. Why? Because he has told me to my FACE the kind of shallow opinions he has and that he would never extend empathy to me if I had his children. This man shown you the kind of man he is and you don’t need that. I’m so sorry that’s happened to you and you shouldn’t ever feel ashamed. This guy does not have the emotional maturity needed to deal with a sensitive situation like this and therefore does not deserve one minute more of your time.
Wallahi don’t doubt for a second that theres not a man out there who has the emotional maturity to deal with your traumas. They exist and inshallah you will find him
Anon
4 years ago
This is in response to the question I asked that you replied to about being in a relationship with a married man. First I would like to say thank you taking the time to thoughtfully respond to my situation. With that being said, I believe there are a few things I should clear up because from your response I don’t think you really understood where I’m coming from, only to an extent. The first thing I would like to state is that we are muslim, its not a crime to marry a man who already has a wife, so throw that “cheating” scenario out the window. In fact, most Somali woman especially those back home share their husband with a wife or wives. It is no sin marrying a man that already has a wife. Secondly, that “adultery” comment was a shock to me because for starters, I’ve never had sex with this man. I am a muslim Somali lady (22). I strongly practice my religion, so I would never have any marital acts with a man who is not my husband. So there is no concern over there. He respects me, which is another reason why I am so drawn to him. I would genuinely like to give you more of a backstory to this, so hopefully this comment doesn’t get lost in all your other comments that are awaiting your response. Thank you though Lula.
Has he married you? No, so whatever this is now is cheating.
Muslim mens are prohibited to cheat on their wife. If they are doing zina then islam has a clear punishment for this. IF a man would like to have a second wife. Then follow the conditions of second marriage and marry a second wife. I didn’t assume you were sleeping with him but regardless, something is happening and its cheating.
The Somali women you’re talking about, at least their husbands had the decency to marry those women, instead of keeping them as mistresses. This man doesn’t respect you because if he did, he would have married you and made you his second wife.
Anon
4 years ago
ive been in a relationship for around 8 months I was head over heels all of a sudden I now think I feel underwhelmed not that attracted and I am so angry with myself I don’t know why I feel this way towards him or what’s changed for me to be feeling this way but is it normal? To start feeling just okay and not completely adoration. I think he sensed it too that I am more distant
Help
6-8 month mark is usually the time when you subconsciously decide if you’re not into the person like you once thought you did, and you start seeing the relationship for what it is. Maybe now its quite stale and or boring. If your heart is not in it you can end it, you’re not married.
Hi girlfriend x
I just need some advice real quick i need know if I’m the issue or not. I’ve never taken a man serious but I’m looking to get married in the next year or two, but I hardly ever go out and do spontaneous things so how will I meet the loml??? I have anxiety which makes everything 10x worse. Men in this generation are so weird which gets me so anxious BUT I need I genuinely don’t know what to do!!! Am I the issue here please let me know????
First step is to: chill.
You can’t plan to get married in the next year or two if you don’t even have potentials (unless you plan to have an arranged marriage)
Stop giving deadlines to yourself because either two things will happen
1) You won’t reach that deadline and it’ll make you feel like you’ve failed
2) You look at anyone and everyone as a potential, and it’ll make you committed to settling for anyone. And then it’ll be you dealing with the red flags later
What you can do though is this:
1) Go out more often, spend more time making memories. That’s how you really meet people. Even on holidays you can meet potentials, they are everywhere.
2) Don’t go into dating with negativity, because its very obvious. Be optimistic because then you give off good vibes and eventually you’ll attract more people
3) Spruce up your look a little bit. Invest in yourself because physical attraction is really how people approach you in the first place. Look after your teeth, try more natural make up, get into creating outfits etc
How do you become more happy , fun and bubbly the pandemic has really made me a grumpy bitch as I’ve experienced so much that my personality has kind of changed and I don’t feel myself and I feel like I’m so behind on everything I’m 20 but I’m feel so old that I’m not a teen anymore and I have to start facing the really world more it’s just been really overwhelming and i feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with life I’m uni but that it I’ve completely lost motivation before I used to be soo active with balancing everything and not feeling like this but I used constantly feel sad and I’m not doing enough
Appreciation is the first step. Appreciation of everything.
Look at everything you have around you and say Alhamdulilah. There’s this really good quote and its ‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around in a while, you might miss it’ and its absolutely true.
Start being physically active again. Physical exercise is basically a natural drug, except it’s good for you. Personally I noticed at the end of the week I’ll feel really down if I hadn’t spent it going to gym. It makes me feel like I’ve wasted my week
Be compassionate to yourself. Not that ‘love yourself’ bullshit but its just giving yourself grace. You’re not going to have your shit together all the time but you are not going to die. See every day as an opportunity to make things right. You can almost always try again
Being organised. This is my bag. I can only work efficiently if everything around me is tidy. I will clean my house, my office, everything. And then I always use a planner or a little notebook to put down notes of everything I want to do. Then it doesn’t feel like all my thoughts are just rambling in my head
Force yourself to be happy, seriously. I know it sounds stupid but wallahi there is no benefit in being hopeless, because that won’t get you out of your situation. It forces you to stay where you’re at and very rarely do other people around you help. Have your 30 min moments when you’re down and then pick yourself up. Only you have yourself. I feel like I have a cry every few weeks and then I’m back up ready to try again
How do you stop yourself from catching feeling so quick every guy that I’ve talking to her eventually I catch feelings for him or I will then it will go as quick as it came , I’m 19 and never used really get attention from guys before but now that I’m not really used to which can be a factor but I want to date different types but I end up catching feelings sooo quick over the smallest things
Stop looking at every man you see as a potential for marriage. That’s one.
You need to remind yourself that you don’t know this person. It’s easy to get caught up after even just a few minutes talking to someone and thinking about a possible future, but what are you basing it on? There’s a lot that goes into a relationship, and getting some attention doesn’t automatically mean he is perfect for you.
That’s the way to focus it. You’re just getting to know them. Then if over time and the appropriate amount of dates, you realize they check all the right boxes, at that point your feelings are probably real. Until then, it’s all a fantasy in your head.
Go into each relationship as a learning opportunity.
Some people are only meant to come into your life to show you a lesson and teach you something about yourself. Especially with how you want your husband to be. Most frogs you date only remind you of all the things you don’t want. Enjoy the experience and move on
Get it out of your head that you’re going to find the man of your dreams at 19
Although sometimes this does happen, its very rare. Most guys at that age aren’t serious and don’t even know how to be in a relationship. Teaching them is labour and its not worth it for someone your age when you could just be having fun
How do you start feeling more happy for others especially your peers , I never vocalize it or think it’s coming from a bad place but it’s hard sometimes to see people around you achieving things that you want and it doesn’t work out for you I know I should trust allah plan and stop beating myself up for it but I constantly get pressured and work hard but there are people who don’t and still manage to get things so easily and it’s just hard to come to terms with it sometimes
You know what, I don’t think I’ve ever been jealous or envious of someone when they made an achievement. And that’s even when I had nothing. I think its because of my attitude because it didn’t stop me from wanting what they had too. Oh I wanted it with every fibre of my being but I just knew it was coming, like I always knew for a fact I’m going to get what I want. It was just a matter of time, discipline and circumstance. Even when I used to see moving out videos on youtube, I just used to think Im gonna have this one day I know it. And it was the same with driving and getting a job. When you have already convinced yourself that you will get those things too, you stop looking at other people. Wallahi I have the patience of a saint, I can wait through anything. Its my little coping mechanism and it stops me from beating myself up about the things I don’t have yet.
Also get yourself out of the habit of thinking people get things easily, because majority of the time you’re wrong. You really don’t know what people go through and how much they have prayed and struggled to get to where they need to be. I get this quite often which is why I can relate. Wallahi if you knew the half you would be 100% convinced that illahi only gave me the things I have is because of how much I endured but that I was still patient through it all. I’m glad I’m one of those people, because if its all gone tomorrow, I know I can wait it out and get it again. Doesn’t matter. I benefit nothing by being hopeless. Wallahi hope is all you have.
I’ll keep you in my duas and May Allah swt grant you all the things your heart desires
What advice would you give your 19 year old self in regards to life with the knowledge you have now ( confidence, dating , friendships and just dealing with life)
If I could give my 19 year old self some advice it would be this:
Stop calling everyone your friends, because people will show you who they are.
Not to worry if everything looks like it’s falling apart right now. Life has a weird way of working itself out.
And no the guy you like is not going to be your Husband and thank God for it. Most guys you meet are a waste of time (my mum used to let me know every single day LMAO)
Relationships that age are not important at all. The kind of men you’re exposed to at that age is not really good anyway. They can do nothing for you. But I knew that already
Allah swt sometimes will test you with what you love, so keep being patient.
Keep paying your dues. I was never a quitter and I love me for it. Because persistence makes you more disciplined and it will outshine any other attribute, every time.
Keep doing what you’re doing, because illahi is going to bless you tenfold.
I find it really hard to balance things in my life and get overwhelmed, how would you advice to have a routine for work , uni , driving lessons and gym
If you’re in uni, get your driving lessons out the way. Because trust me you’re not going to have free time like that again.
I’m still trying to find balance and even though times I’m really good at it, covid did really affect my discipline. Sometimes all it can take is one thing to go wrong and then my whole routine is fucked up. So I try to see every Monday as an opportunity to start again.
If you can whilst in uni don’t work that much, or just trying to have a set schedule every week. Do work more than 2-3 days. Go sleep early, wallahi you will thank yourself for it because you start your day earlier. To try and get you back in the gym, start slow. Commit to 2 days a week for a month, and then next month do 3 days a week. Go to classes instead because those really push you.
When I was in uni, I set up a standing order weekly to another bank card that I forgot about, and I would put as little as 20 pounds in there. It got to the point I completely forgot about it and when I checked there was 980 in there. That 20 pounds you would have probably spent it on food.
Someone I was kind of getting to know end of 2020 has decided to pop up asking to “reconnect” – not sure if I should bother or how to respond? Context is met on an app, didn’t get round to meeting and then kind of mutually ghosted, wasn’t super interested at the time but we barely knew each other. He seems alright lol, don’t really care either way. Also do I ask about the disappearance back then?
Why not reconnect, sometimes timing doesn’t work out and maybe it will this time. Don’t ask, if he brings it up- then I would say to ask.
Hey Lula, I have been seeing a guy that I really like and he likes me a lot (we are both Somali btw) last night we was talking and the tpopic of FGM came up and he mentioned that he couldn’t get with someone who had the procedure done. I had the fgm done on me , is the one that Somali call ‘sunnah’ but it’s still traumatic as fuck and even though I had it done at 6 years old , even having the thought of talking about fgm makes my stomach turn. I’m scared to tell him because I really like him and don’t want to lose him and is something I keep private and don’t tell anyone even my best friends and I’m scared after I tell him he will tell our friends and share it with others What shall I do?
If he has said that before, I wouldn’t tell him at all. In fact I would end things all together. Some people show you how they deal with traumas and sensitive matters just by how they speak. It’s like when guys talk about post partum weight and how mothers need to hit the gym, If i heard a man say that to me no way in hell am I going to want to bear a child for him. Why? Because he has told me to my FACE the kind of shallow opinions he has and that he would never extend empathy to me if I had his children. This man shown you the kind of man he is and you don’t need that. I’m so sorry that’s happened to you and you shouldn’t ever feel ashamed. This guy does not have the emotional maturity needed to deal with a sensitive situation like this and therefore does not deserve one minute more of your time.
Wallahi don’t doubt for a second that theres not a man out there who has the emotional maturity to deal with your traumas. They exist and inshallah you will find him
This is in response to the question I asked that you replied to about being in a relationship with a married man. First I would like to say thank you taking the time to thoughtfully respond to my situation. With that being said, I believe there are a few things I should clear up because from your response I don’t think you really understood where I’m coming from, only to an extent. The first thing I would like to state is that we are muslim, its not a crime to marry a man who already has a wife, so throw that “cheating” scenario out the window. In fact, most Somali woman especially those back home share their husband with a wife or wives. It is no sin marrying a man that already has a wife. Secondly, that “adultery” comment was a shock to me because for starters, I’ve never had sex with this man. I am a muslim Somali lady (22). I strongly practice my religion, so I would never have any marital acts with a man who is not my husband. So there is no concern over there. He respects me, which is another reason why I am so drawn to him. I would genuinely like to give you more of a backstory to this, so hopefully this comment doesn’t get lost in all your other comments that are awaiting your response. Thank you though Lula.
Has he married you? No, so whatever this is now is cheating.
Muslim mens are prohibited to cheat on their wife. If they are doing zina then islam has a clear punishment for this. IF a man would like to have a second wife. Then follow the conditions of second marriage and marry a second wife. I didn’t assume you were sleeping with him but regardless, something is happening and its cheating.
The Somali women you’re talking about, at least their husbands had the decency to marry those women, instead of keeping them as mistresses. This man doesn’t respect you because if he did, he would have married you and made you his second wife.
ive been in a relationship for around 8 months I was head over heels all of a sudden I now think I feel underwhelmed not that attracted and I am so angry with myself I don’t know why I feel this way towards him or what’s changed for me to be feeling this way but is it normal? To start feeling just okay and not completely adoration. I think he sensed it too that I am more distant
Help
6-8 month mark is usually the time when you subconsciously decide if you’re not into the person like you once thought you did, and you start seeing the relationship for what it is. Maybe now its quite stale and or boring. If your heart is not in it you can end it, you’re not married.