Hello sis I hope you are well,
Well…There’s this guy that I really like and he likes me too the problem is he’s younger than me. He’s 22 and I’m 26. At first the age difference bothered me but as I got to know him it didn’t bother me anymore. He’s very mature and caring and tbh he has treated me better than other guys I was considering marrying even the ones who were older than me. The issue is I don’t know if my dad would be okay with us getting married because of the age difference, however he says his family wouldn’t mind. I briefly told my mum and sister about him and they asked me how old he was I panicked and said he was the same age as me (I know that was wrong of me and may allah forgive me). He’s honestly perfect for me and is everything I want in a husband. We had a long conversation about what we both want and expect from our future spouses and its the exact same thing. Although there’s nothing wrong with a man or woman marrying someone older or younger, my fear is I will be judged by others especially by friends and extended family. I don’t personally care about our age difference anymore because he’s very mature and I have lot of respect for him as a man. Although he’s young, mashallah he is practicing, emotionally intelligent, understands my needs and is financially stable and I know he will take care of me. He also looks older than me which is helpful. I really want to marry him and have a family but I’m worried about my dad and what he will say. My dad isn’t an unjust or unfair man but I don’t think he’ll be accepting, well at least I don’t think he will be as he has already rejected a man I was considering marrying. Although it hurt me I obeyed and listened to my father and cut the guy off. However the guy I want to marry now is perfect for me and I don’t want to lose him. My father is back home and the guy is planning to visit him to ask for my hand in a few months with his father, Insha’Allah. He said he wants to fight for me and not give up.
Awww, your family isn’t being unreasonable. They have a duty towards you and want to know that when that times comes where they have to pass that duty to someone else, he has the means to look after you. Its reasonable for them to be concerned especially because he is 22 and you’re 26. Whilst you say he has his shit together, it’s going to be very hard for your family to believe this. And that’s why YOU need to be the one that proves this to them.
You definitely shouldn’t have lied about his age, because now it looks like you know there’s a problem with it and it may justify their concerns. Ultimately you need to put your foot down and say it with some CHEST. You want to complete half your deen with this man and he has the resources to look after you right, so say that then. Let them know that they are just prolonging what is meant for you.
At some point you gotta stand up to your parents. They know best yes but sometimes parent’s hinder their children from growing. When you pussyfoot around them, you are only making them more inclined to dictate your life.
Anon
4 years ago
I am so grateful to have come across this page. I pray you girls receive the best in this world and the hereafter..
Ok this is quite embarrassing to even write let alone experience it. I’m in my mid 20s still not married never been in a relationship. Recently I’ve been feeling extremely sexual. I thought it might be my hormones but I went doctor they did a blood test and it came back normal.
It is usually before my period. I am looking to get married soon but I don’t want to get married just for that reason..
Don’t be embarrassed, you’re a human being. Also take into account it’s probably more heightened during ovulation, which is what’s probably happening to you. Your body is literally fighting you so you can go off and get pregnant. It happens to everyone, that is how the human species survive. You don’t need to go to the doctor loool sorry that really made me laugh. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Think of it this way, at least you’re not a man. They feel this way all the time
Remember that this is also a test from Allah swt to see how we handle ourselves. When you start talking to someone, don’t have this in mind (when I mean this I mean sex). First agree with what kind of husband you want, and start there. When talking to potentials, look to see if they have the qualities you want. That will help to prioritise what is really important.
Anon
4 years ago
Not the same anon who asked about how much a guy should have but I wanted to flip the question: How much do you think a girl would need in savings before getting married? Obviously in Islam, our money is our money (and so is our husband’s) but I personally think making sure you are financially independent for yourself before going into a marriage is important because you never know what can happen.
Women should definitely have their own savings. I made sure at least a year before I wanted to be married I started saving up. Ideally a good starting point is around 3k. The more the better, realistically not every woman is going to be able to save up 5k-10k before but you need to start somewhere. And constantly build on these savings once you’re married.
Also for those women who got their mehr before their wedding, using that as a base for your savings is the best thing you could do. Put it in an ISA and don’t touch it. Or invest it.
Anon
4 years ago
Mahr is a controversial topic that every Muslim these days seem to have an opinion on. What are you thoughts on what an “acceptable” amount to request for? And do you think potentials who try to negotiate/lower this amount should be taken seriously?
Women can ask for whatever they want, that’s the point of mehr. It doesn’t even have to be money, just whatever the bride requests.
In my opinion, it should be reasonable. You can’t ask for 10k from someone who is earning 27k a year, its unrealistic and to me, you lack awareness. You have to be very aware of someone’s financially situation before marriage, throwing numbers that don’t even make sense just because you’ve heard it is really childish. I think I said before, if it’s money, asking 10-15% of what your partner has earned that year is reasonable (not every year before you people jump me).
So if he earns 27k, asking between £2700-4050 is reasonable. If he earns 50k, 5k is reasonable. 80k, then 8k, 100k then 10k, you see where I’m going with this?
If you are asking for a crazy amount, then negotiating it isn’t crazy either. You have to be reasonable. Weddings are bloody expensive, then there’s looking for houses & furnishing it, the ring, giving gifts & gold. Putting more financial stress on your future spouse is literally like shooting yourself in the foot. Because his finances become YOUR finances as soon as you guys get married.
Anon
4 years ago
“However I’m not quite sure those women will be waiting for you when you do”
Same guy, thanks for the answer, and no I don’t expect them to be I’m not a complete dunce, it’s ok though I just don’t like the idea of stringing someone along till I’m ready.
I did want to ask though, what’s the most affordable way to move out? Sometimes I’ll browse Rightmove and my head will get hot because of the cost of private renting in my area, any solutions?
It depends, if you are in an overcrowded household, you can put yourself on the council’s waiting list for accommodation. It’ll take 2 years most likely for them to find somewhere for you, and then you just end up paying low rent, i.e 600 pounds a month. A lot of lucky young people get to do that (Allahumabarik because you guys have really hit the jackpot).
Anon
4 years ago
Hi girls, thank you for creating this platform. I have a problem, I’m divorced and cant seem to connect with anyone. All my friends are married. All my siblings are married. My family have introduced a few guys to me but they didn’t want a working wife and there are no more left to pursue! I want to maintain my independence as I have a child. What can I do I’ve tried those muslim apps but have had no luck. Do I give up and accept I won’t be able to remarry. Do you have any suggestions, where can I look for a husband? Do I need to hand my cv in to the local mosques???
Don’t give up on the possibility of remarriage ever, it will happen for you inshallah. But I would advise you to change your attitude.
Don’t think a man is going to fulfil your life and complete it. And that you have to have it NOW because everyone around you is married. When you start thinking like that, you’re more likely to settle for someone who is not up to par with your standards. And you have more to lose with your independence and child in the picture. This is more complete to me than you ever could be. You should find a husband because you WANT to, not because you have to.
You’re also probably not going to find a husband straight away, it takes a while for most people without kids and that’s because people don’t do the CRB checks that they probably should be doing. For divorcee’s anyway you have to weed out unserious people and that takes a while. But it has the most benefits down the line. Because you know what you’re getting yourself into.
Stop putting pressure on yourself sis. Focus on just getting yourself out there and weeding out potentials. You may even realise down the line, maybe I’m not ready to be remarried?
Anon
4 years ago
Hey guys, this is a weird one and a lot to unpack but i’ll try keep it short. I was getting to know someone and we both weren’t looking for anything, ofc for me if someone good comes along unexpectedly I can appreciate them. We realised we got along well, he confided in me about quite a lot of things especially his past. I believe from my calm energy to his unnatural behaviours (ghosting from time to time – he always came back with an excuse/ reason and it would be some fucked shit that I’d have to let slide) he started appreciating how chill and good vibes I was and how much I didn’t give him a “headache” compared to other girls in his past. As time went on he was more inconsistent, but he would promise to make it up to me off the fear of losing me all together; whether he kept that promise was another story. On top of that he would say things like, that I know is cap now, you’re my soulmate, that he wants me to bear his children. He introduced me to his brothers, friends (I had never done that). He claimed he would’ve made me his girl but couldn’t cos of the lifestyle he was in. But again I went about my life/ business not focusing on him too much as we got along, he was good company and I was v attracted to him. I let myself believe he was just there in the background and I didn’t really like him too tough based off the fact that we could never be and my gut knew deep down it wouldn’t work cos of the way he is now – I want a completely religious husband. I believed more in what he could be rather than what he was then cos we would have deep talks and our minds aligned on a lot of things especially religiously speaking and so I stupidly stuck around. But down the line (7 months in) we started becoming more intimate and we had sex (I was a virgin btw). I know it was beyond stupid of me to even go there with someone so inconsistent and not my husband. Soon after, he ghosted again. But this time, he never came back… I refrained from sex all my life due to religion and sexual trauma from when I was younger. Him using me like that has brought up a lot, my confidence has been shattered, I’ve tried to reach out to him there’s no response but I know he’s going about his life. I feel broken and used and I have no idea how to get past this stage – it’s been 6/7 months since our last interaction and I feel like I haven’t healed. He doesn’t even know how I feel cos he’s ignoring/ airing me. He recently changed his number. I don’t even know how to heal. What would you do in this situation?
Be careful. When you say stuff like “I didn’t give him a headache compared to other girls” because you’re okay with him ghosting you, is exactly reason why he will ghost YOU and not those other girls. Without realizing, you’ve let him know how low your standards are. You have opened the doors for mistreatment. I know it sounds dramatic, but wallahi men only need one sign for them to start their fuckeries with you. When they realise it doesn’t take much to make you happy, they won’t go above and beyond for you.
You guys completely crossed a boundary you shouldn’t have, and you know this. Regardless, it happened. And as result, once he got what it was he wanted from you, he dipped. To go from developing feelings to suddenly wanting nothing serious is the sign of a narcissist. He definitely led you on and set a romantic scene.
But again, you too have to take accountability. Your level of self worth is in tatters right now. You knew exactly what you wanted in a future husband and you knew this guy was not even CLOSE to that. You benefit nothing from lowering your standards.
If I was in this situation, I’m letting it be a lesson to be now and in the future. I would let the hurt and anger be a constant reminder to me to never let someone do this to me again. It’s going to take awhile to heal, it always does. But you’re genuinely going to get to a point where you have forgotten about him. However, that will only happen if you accept he is not coming back. Part of you hopes that he will, and tbh he probably will (as do all men) but its not because of the reasons you’re hoping for. “He’s gonna realise I’m the one” oh no no. The only way he is gonna come back is for part 2 just to end up ghosting you again. If he didn’t see the value in you back then, he sure as hell isn’t going to do it in the future.
Anon
4 years ago
Salam alaykum I hope you see this. I have been stalking here for some days and I felt like maybe I could ask this here. See I’m in a situation, I dated this guy for two weeks ( I’d known him before and there were mutual feelings). He was nice and I felt I could get along with him but we crossed a line and I decided to end it since I felt so guilty. We Still talked though and my feelings grew I feel like I can’t let go of this guy I maybe fell in love or loved him. Despite the hiccups and conflicts we have had. We agreed to be friends and to remain platonic but Walahi this boy feels like my best friend, I love his company and making conversation. He’s also a good person. However I do not want to proceed into a relationship because I started seeing the reality, I’m 23 still in school, unemployed currently and I’m not independent, I can’t get married soon, he’s also the same. For how long can I do this. I’m tempted to give in but I remember how I’m supposed to focus on uni and my future plans In Shaa Allah and it seems very hard to maintain a relationship for long with no marriage in close sight. He has my heart and I just find it so hard to let go. Thank-you.
Not many people are honest with themselves. They know the time isn’t right, and instead of prioritising the fundamental parts of their lives, they will distract themselves with other things. Prioritise your life first. You weren’t even with this guy long enough for him to be worth priortising over your studies (in my opinion). Get your shit together first, and if he is still there, then it was meant to be. If not, he simply wasn’t written for you.
Anon
4 years ago
Last year i took a huge blow to my imaan and made the biggest mistake of my life.I met this guy a few years back and felt an almost instant connection, however we were incompatible due to religious views and thus we did not pursue anything, Both of us assumed the other would not be interested due to such large differences, a few years later we found ourselves working together- we had kept in contact but only to a friendly level. When we started working together our friendship grew immensely. However, he was married at this point, so it was always kept to a certain level. One day, my car broke down and he offered me a lift, this was a particularly stressful day and he confided in me about some very personal trauma. We took a detour on my way home to finish the conversation and this lead to some boundaries to b crossed. I felt so disgusted with myself and still do, but this feeling became stronger and stronger and i just felt numb and found myself trapped and deeply attached. Now a year later, the friendship has become so open and raw and we have cut off any other relations. I already know how completely messed up this whole thing is, seeing as it would never lead to anything anyway. Both families would never accept. I never ever imagine myself to be in such a situation and never thought i was capable of hurting someone else like this. Now we have cut off everything and only keep things to a friendship level. I still am overwhelmed with guilt and could not speak to anyone about this the whole time. My career is flourishing and i also have spent alot of time at this particular place. Do I leave and cut off everyone from this place and start again but at the bottom of the ladder (my career works like this) or do I stay and just keep things cordial and move on mentally. I also have alt of people who know this person, so to cut them off i would essentially have to move away from all of them.
The first problem was thinking you could be friends with someone you used to talk to and couldn’t pursue anything with due to circumstance. There was no closure between you guys to properly close this chapter. Instead it had to remain as a ‘what if’ scenario of what could have been.
I think you already know you crossed a boundary here so I won’t go into that one. He was married and needed someone to confide in, the worst person he could have done that with was you. You guys both fucked up. But it’s time to take accountability.
You simply cannot stay in this working environment anymore. There is a reason why people say don’t shit where you sleep. This job has become too personal, and you’re emotionally involved in it. The only way you can genuinely move on from this situation if you step down and start over somewhere else. It’ll be hard but that’s apart of taking accountability. You got yourself involved in this situation, now you have to take yourself out. Otherwise you’re just going to be in this constant cycle of hurt. You said you could never imagine yourself in this situation, yet here we are.
Sometimes women don’t understand how much of their lives they’re gambling with when dealing with men. He hasn’t lost out on anything. He is probably going to find another version of you in someone else once you’ve gone out the picture. But you’re the one who has to start again.
Anon
4 years ago
Hey! In january 2021 i got to know this guy, we have a long distance relationship. At first everything was great, he gave me attention and he always made sure i was feeling alright. Four months later we had our first argument bc i didnt write to him everyday during the time i visited my parents in my hometown (he didnt even write himself). After alot back and forth we dropped it, or i gave in bc i really liked this guy. That was the first time i realized that this guy is stubborn and i got a weird feeling. But at the same time i didnt want to give up. Fast foward, we met during the summer for the first time, he came to my hometown. He even told me that he loved me. Since that month, we have literally seen each other every month for like 1-2 days. However ive noticed that im the one initiating the meet up. I can for example say lets meet “this date” and he can respond and say, no im busy (he is in uni) but i’ll check my schedule. But he never does! So weeks later i have to bring it up again, for him to say yeah okay. I find it weird and it bothers me that it has to be a hassle to set a date, but when we meet each other everything is great, and its been like that since june. Each time i promise myself that i wont ask and that he has to ask me, but i just cant help myself. Ugh.
I have alot on my chest, please bare with me 😂
During arguments things can get bad. We raise our voices at each other. Well he starts and i follow. We dont see the problem as a team, its like whoever talks the most and loudest wins. He has a tendency to blame me and change the subject. And what really annoys me is that he will say his argument and always end it with “bc it is so”. Basically telling me what im saying isnt true bc what he thinks and feels matter. He always sighs when im talking, basically he is not interested in hearing what i have to say. I never feel like i can fully express myself to him, bc he is very dominated. Ans he has told me before to talk place in arguments, but it is hard. We have had discussions about our arguments multiple times and we have said we have to communicate better, but everytime we talk one step forward, we take two steps back the next day.
Im not an angel. I feel like i start the arguments most of the times, but its bc some of the things he says annoys me and i have to tell him off. 5 of 10 i shouldnt do that and instead chill. But lately ive been more annoyed since i found out that he called his ex (they were together a long time ago) when he came and visited me AND TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. Like the math and mathing there??? I was so confused. How are you gonna come and visit me, tell me your feelings and that you love me, for you later that night call your ex (she didnt pick up, but she wrote in a message to him that she called him back but his phone wasnt working). I haven’t confronted him about this.
Im so confused, tired and numb. The second half of 2021 has been shit. It has consisted of a lot of tears bc im fed up, but at the same time i dont want to give up. He has meet my father and he calls my father sometimes to check up on him. When we are great, we are great. And when it is bad, its really bad. And its been too much going on lately that im having doubts. Like we dont communicate that much anymore. Well i do and he not so much. I always try to update him about my day but he doesnt. And when i tell him that im upset that we havent talked that much today, he replies with well why didnt you write to me. I just really want to tell him that the reason behind me not give 100% energy anymore is bc im trying to match his energy. Im fed up with always having to make him talk to me MORE.
Last time we met was in december. We had arguments in real life and we were also having good times. He said that he wanted to celebrate new years with me and take me out. The dinner ended with me paying it bc he “forgot his card”. The same thing happened on my birthday dinner. He told me that he would pay me back, but i told him no. But how are you going to ask someone out and not pay for it? I just wished he would be honest about his financial status. I wont judge.
He graduates this summer and we are planning to get married early next year. He said that he has to get a job and earn money. Sometimes im excited about that and plan the wedding in my head and sometimes im scared that we wont last in the long run. My biggest fear is to get married to someone and it not working out. Maybe we did this to ourselves, like our relationship hasnt been 100% halal (we havent had sex), and the reason as to why im maybe not letting go is bc im scared that if i find a new guy and im not being halal with him either, ive done things with two guys.
It sounds like im shitting on our relationship, but really i do love him. Everytime he calls or text me good morning i smile. He calms me down everytime i hear his voice. He cares about my wellbeing and doesnt want anything to happen to me. He talks to me until i fall asleep at night. And he helps me when i need it. But i feel like im making the bad is outweigh the good. Or am i over exaggerating?
This whole marriage thing that he is proposing you is also a waste of time. This man has no intentions of marrying you. What he is doing though is keeping you sweet so you don’t realise he has been bullshitting you this entire time. None of his actions match up to someone who wants to spend the rest of their lives with you. Not a damn thing.
The first year of a relationship shouldn’t be THIS hard. Perhaps it’s the long distance at first that strained you two, but this now is overdoing it. On top of this he has contacted his ex. What more proof do you need that this guy is not for you?
If you think he is going to change because of marriage, you will be sorely mistaken. The best would be to leave him behind. Don’t ignore the flags. Everything you see now with be heightened 10 times when you guys get married. If you are the type who always chooses and sticks out an unhappy relationship with a partner who has no interest in change or growth, then it’s time to look at why. It’s not just you who does this trust me, I think every woman has done this at least once in their lives. They stay in relationships that they don’t like out of fear they won’t meet anyone else. Not true.
Time and time again we have seen women elevate after leaving toxic relationships. We have also seen them end up with someone WAY better than their previous partner and we’re all like wow Ciara prayer. The point is this can happen and it will once you realise your worth.
I understand you love him, but love isn’t everything. Its really isn’t. A relationship is like a pyramid, of course love is the foundation, but there’s more factors that are involved to make a relationship great. You can’t just have a foundation and think you can survive off that alone. It’s idealistic. Also sometimes what you think is love, isn’t actually love either. Because the love is coming from a place of fear, you HAVE to love him because that’s gonna make him stay. But when you deep it, does his actions look like they’re coming from someone that loves you? I don’t think so
Hello sis I hope you are well,
Well…There’s this guy that I really like and he likes me too the problem is he’s younger than me. He’s 22 and I’m 26. At first the age difference bothered me but as I got to know him it didn’t bother me anymore. He’s very mature and caring and tbh he has treated me better than other guys I was considering marrying even the ones who were older than me. The issue is I don’t know if my dad would be okay with us getting married because of the age difference, however he says his family wouldn’t mind. I briefly told my mum and sister about him and they asked me how old he was I panicked and said he was the same age as me (I know that was wrong of me and may allah forgive me). He’s honestly perfect for me and is everything I want in a husband. We had a long conversation about what we both want and expect from our future spouses and its the exact same thing. Although there’s nothing wrong with a man or woman marrying someone older or younger, my fear is I will be judged by others especially by friends and extended family. I don’t personally care about our age difference anymore because he’s very mature and I have lot of respect for him as a man. Although he’s young, mashallah he is practicing, emotionally intelligent, understands my needs and is financially stable and I know he will take care of me. He also looks older than me which is helpful. I really want to marry him and have a family but I’m worried about my dad and what he will say. My dad isn’t an unjust or unfair man but I don’t think he’ll be accepting, well at least I don’t think he will be as he has already rejected a man I was considering marrying. Although it hurt me I obeyed and listened to my father and cut the guy off. However the guy I want to marry now is perfect for me and I don’t want to lose him. My father is back home and the guy is planning to visit him to ask for my hand in a few months with his father, Insha’Allah. He said he wants to fight for me and not give up.
Awww, your family isn’t being unreasonable. They have a duty towards you and want to know that when that times comes where they have to pass that duty to someone else, he has the means to look after you. Its reasonable for them to be concerned especially because he is 22 and you’re 26. Whilst you say he has his shit together, it’s going to be very hard for your family to believe this. And that’s why YOU need to be the one that proves this to them.
You definitely shouldn’t have lied about his age, because now it looks like you know there’s a problem with it and it may justify their concerns. Ultimately you need to put your foot down and say it with some CHEST. You want to complete half your deen with this man and he has the resources to look after you right, so say that then. Let them know that they are just prolonging what is meant for you.
At some point you gotta stand up to your parents. They know best yes but sometimes parent’s hinder their children from growing. When you pussyfoot around them, you are only making them more inclined to dictate your life.
I am so grateful to have come across this page. I pray you girls receive the best in this world and the hereafter..
Ok this is quite embarrassing to even write let alone experience it. I’m in my mid 20s still not married never been in a relationship. Recently I’ve been feeling extremely sexual. I thought it might be my hormones but I went doctor they did a blood test and it came back normal.
It is usually before my period. I am looking to get married soon but I don’t want to get married just for that reason..
Awww thank you so much my love! Ameen
Don’t be embarrassed, you’re a human being. Also take into account it’s probably more heightened during ovulation, which is what’s probably happening to you. Your body is literally fighting you so you can go off and get pregnant. It happens to everyone, that is how the human species survive. You don’t need to go to the doctor loool sorry that really made me laugh. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Think of it this way, at least you’re not a man. They feel this way all the time
Remember that this is also a test from Allah swt to see how we handle ourselves. When you start talking to someone, don’t have this in mind (when I mean this I mean sex). First agree with what kind of husband you want, and start there. When talking to potentials, look to see if they have the qualities you want. That will help to prioritise what is really important.
Not the same anon who asked about how much a guy should have but I wanted to flip the question: How much do you think a girl would need in savings before getting married? Obviously in Islam, our money is our money (and so is our husband’s) but I personally think making sure you are financially independent for yourself before going into a marriage is important because you never know what can happen.
You’re absolutely right!
Women should definitely have their own savings. I made sure at least a year before I wanted to be married I started saving up. Ideally a good starting point is around 3k. The more the better, realistically not every woman is going to be able to save up 5k-10k before but you need to start somewhere. And constantly build on these savings once you’re married.
Also for those women who got their mehr before their wedding, using that as a base for your savings is the best thing you could do. Put it in an ISA and don’t touch it. Or invest it.
Mahr is a controversial topic that every Muslim these days seem to have an opinion on. What are you thoughts on what an “acceptable” amount to request for? And do you think potentials who try to negotiate/lower this amount should be taken seriously?
Women can ask for whatever they want, that’s the point of mehr. It doesn’t even have to be money, just whatever the bride requests.
In my opinion, it should be reasonable. You can’t ask for 10k from someone who is earning 27k a year, its unrealistic and to me, you lack awareness. You have to be very aware of someone’s financially situation before marriage, throwing numbers that don’t even make sense just because you’ve heard it is really childish. I think I said before, if it’s money, asking 10-15% of what your partner has earned that year is reasonable (not every year before you people jump me).
So if he earns 27k, asking between £2700-4050 is reasonable. If he earns 50k, 5k is reasonable. 80k, then 8k, 100k then 10k, you see where I’m going with this?
If you are asking for a crazy amount, then negotiating it isn’t crazy either. You have to be reasonable. Weddings are bloody expensive, then there’s looking for houses & furnishing it, the ring, giving gifts & gold. Putting more financial stress on your future spouse is literally like shooting yourself in the foot. Because his finances become YOUR finances as soon as you guys get married.
“However I’m not quite sure those women will be waiting for you when you do”
Same guy, thanks for the answer, and no I don’t expect them to be I’m not a complete dunce, it’s ok though I just don’t like the idea of stringing someone along till I’m ready.
I did want to ask though, what’s the most affordable way to move out? Sometimes I’ll browse Rightmove and my head will get hot because of the cost of private renting in my area, any solutions?
Thanks for the answer btw, it was very helpful!
It depends, if you are in an overcrowded household, you can put yourself on the council’s waiting list for accommodation. It’ll take 2 years most likely for them to find somewhere for you, and then you just end up paying low rent, i.e 600 pounds a month. A lot of lucky young people get to do that (Allahumabarik because you guys have really hit the jackpot).
Hi girls, thank you for creating this platform. I have a problem, I’m divorced and cant seem to connect with anyone. All my friends are married. All my siblings are married. My family have introduced a few guys to me but they didn’t want a working wife and there are no more left to pursue! I want to maintain my independence as I have a child. What can I do I’ve tried those muslim apps but have had no luck. Do I give up and accept I won’t be able to remarry. Do you have any suggestions, where can I look for a husband? Do I need to hand my cv in to the local mosques???
Don’t give up on the possibility of remarriage ever, it will happen for you inshallah. But I would advise you to change your attitude.
Don’t think a man is going to fulfil your life and complete it. And that you have to have it NOW because everyone around you is married. When you start thinking like that, you’re more likely to settle for someone who is not up to par with your standards. And you have more to lose with your independence and child in the picture. This is more complete to me than you ever could be. You should find a husband because you WANT to, not because you have to.
You’re also probably not going to find a husband straight away, it takes a while for most people without kids and that’s because people don’t do the CRB checks that they probably should be doing. For divorcee’s anyway you have to weed out unserious people and that takes a while. But it has the most benefits down the line. Because you know what you’re getting yourself into.
Stop putting pressure on yourself sis. Focus on just getting yourself out there and weeding out potentials. You may even realise down the line, maybe I’m not ready to be remarried?
Hey guys, this is a weird one and a lot to unpack but i’ll try keep it short. I was getting to know someone and we both weren’t looking for anything, ofc for me if someone good comes along unexpectedly I can appreciate them. We realised we got along well, he confided in me about quite a lot of things especially his past. I believe from my calm energy to his unnatural behaviours (ghosting from time to time – he always came back with an excuse/ reason and it would be some fucked shit that I’d have to let slide) he started appreciating how chill and good vibes I was and how much I didn’t give him a “headache” compared to other girls in his past. As time went on he was more inconsistent, but he would promise to make it up to me off the fear of losing me all together; whether he kept that promise was another story. On top of that he would say things like, that I know is cap now, you’re my soulmate, that he wants me to bear his children. He introduced me to his brothers, friends (I had never done that). He claimed he would’ve made me his girl but couldn’t cos of the lifestyle he was in. But again I went about my life/ business not focusing on him too much as we got along, he was good company and I was v attracted to him. I let myself believe he was just there in the background and I didn’t really like him too tough based off the fact that we could never be and my gut knew deep down it wouldn’t work cos of the way he is now – I want a completely religious husband. I believed more in what he could be rather than what he was then cos we would have deep talks and our minds aligned on a lot of things especially religiously speaking and so I stupidly stuck around. But down the line (7 months in) we started becoming more intimate and we had sex (I was a virgin btw). I know it was beyond stupid of me to even go there with someone so inconsistent and not my husband. Soon after, he ghosted again. But this time, he never came back… I refrained from sex all my life due to religion and sexual trauma from when I was younger. Him using me like that has brought up a lot, my confidence has been shattered, I’ve tried to reach out to him there’s no response but I know he’s going about his life. I feel broken and used and I have no idea how to get past this stage – it’s been 6/7 months since our last interaction and I feel like I haven’t healed. He doesn’t even know how I feel cos he’s ignoring/ airing me. He recently changed his number. I don’t even know how to heal. What would you do in this situation?
Be careful. When you say stuff like “I didn’t give him a headache compared to other girls” because you’re okay with him ghosting you, is exactly reason why he will ghost YOU and not those other girls. Without realizing, you’ve let him know how low your standards are. You have opened the doors for mistreatment. I know it sounds dramatic, but wallahi men only need one sign for them to start their fuckeries with you. When they realise it doesn’t take much to make you happy, they won’t go above and beyond for you.
You guys completely crossed a boundary you shouldn’t have, and you know this. Regardless, it happened. And as result, once he got what it was he wanted from you, he dipped. To go from developing feelings to suddenly wanting nothing serious is the sign of a narcissist. He definitely led you on and set a romantic scene.
But again, you too have to take accountability. Your level of self worth is in tatters right now. You knew exactly what you wanted in a future husband and you knew this guy was not even CLOSE to that. You benefit nothing from lowering your standards.
If I was in this situation, I’m letting it be a lesson to be now and in the future. I would let the hurt and anger be a constant reminder to me to never let someone do this to me again. It’s going to take awhile to heal, it always does. But you’re genuinely going to get to a point where you have forgotten about him. However, that will only happen if you accept he is not coming back. Part of you hopes that he will, and tbh he probably will (as do all men) but its not because of the reasons you’re hoping for. “He’s gonna realise I’m the one” oh no no. The only way he is gonna come back is for part 2 just to end up ghosting you again. If he didn’t see the value in you back then, he sure as hell isn’t going to do it in the future.
Salam alaykum I hope you see this. I have been stalking here for some days and I felt like maybe I could ask this here. See I’m in a situation, I dated this guy for two weeks ( I’d known him before and there were mutual feelings). He was nice and I felt I could get along with him but we crossed a line and I decided to end it since I felt so guilty. We Still talked though and my feelings grew I feel like I can’t let go of this guy I maybe fell in love or loved him. Despite the hiccups and conflicts we have had. We agreed to be friends and to remain platonic but Walahi this boy feels like my best friend, I love his company and making conversation. He’s also a good person. However I do not want to proceed into a relationship because I started seeing the reality, I’m 23 still in school, unemployed currently and I’m not independent, I can’t get married soon, he’s also the same. For how long can I do this. I’m tempted to give in but I remember how I’m supposed to focus on uni and my future plans In Shaa Allah and it seems very hard to maintain a relationship for long with no marriage in close sight. He has my heart and I just find it so hard to let go. Thank-you.
one. That is the smartest thing you can do.
Not many people are honest with themselves. They know the time isn’t right, and instead of prioritising the fundamental parts of their lives, they will distract themselves with other things. Prioritise your life first. You weren’t even with this guy long enough for him to be worth priortising over your studies (in my opinion). Get your shit together first, and if he is still there, then it was meant to be. If not, he simply wasn’t written for you.
Last year i took a huge blow to my imaan and made the biggest mistake of my life.I met this guy a few years back and felt an almost instant connection, however we were incompatible due to religious views and thus we did not pursue anything, Both of us assumed the other would not be interested due to such large differences, a few years later we found ourselves working together- we had kept in contact but only to a friendly level. When we started working together our friendship grew immensely. However, he was married at this point, so it was always kept to a certain level. One day, my car broke down and he offered me a lift, this was a particularly stressful day and he confided in me about some very personal trauma. We took a detour on my way home to finish the conversation and this lead to some boundaries to b crossed. I felt so disgusted with myself and still do, but this feeling became stronger and stronger and i just felt numb and found myself trapped and deeply attached. Now a year later, the friendship has become so open and raw and we have cut off any other relations. I already know how completely messed up this whole thing is, seeing as it would never lead to anything anyway. Both families would never accept. I never ever imagine myself to be in such a situation and never thought i was capable of hurting someone else like this. Now we have cut off everything and only keep things to a friendship level. I still am overwhelmed with guilt and could not speak to anyone about this the whole time. My career is flourishing and i also have spent alot of time at this particular place. Do I leave and cut off everyone from this place and start again but at the bottom of the ladder (my career works like this) or do I stay and just keep things cordial and move on mentally. I also have alt of people who know this person, so to cut them off i would essentially have to move away from all of them.
The first problem was thinking you could be friends with someone you used to talk to and couldn’t pursue anything with due to circumstance. There was no closure between you guys to properly close this chapter. Instead it had to remain as a ‘what if’ scenario of what could have been.
I think you already know you crossed a boundary here so I won’t go into that one. He was married and needed someone to confide in, the worst person he could have done that with was you. You guys both fucked up. But it’s time to take accountability.
You simply cannot stay in this working environment anymore. There is a reason why people say don’t shit where you sleep. This job has become too personal, and you’re emotionally involved in it. The only way you can genuinely move on from this situation if you step down and start over somewhere else. It’ll be hard but that’s apart of taking accountability. You got yourself involved in this situation, now you have to take yourself out. Otherwise you’re just going to be in this constant cycle of hurt. You said you could never imagine yourself in this situation, yet here we are.
Sometimes women don’t understand how much of their lives they’re gambling with when dealing with men. He hasn’t lost out on anything. He is probably going to find another version of you in someone else once you’ve gone out the picture. But you’re the one who has to start again.
Hey! In january 2021 i got to know this guy, we have a long distance relationship. At first everything was great, he gave me attention and he always made sure i was feeling alright. Four months later we had our first argument bc i didnt write to him everyday during the time i visited my parents in my hometown (he didnt even write himself). After alot back and forth we dropped it, or i gave in bc i really liked this guy. That was the first time i realized that this guy is stubborn and i got a weird feeling. But at the same time i didnt want to give up. Fast foward, we met during the summer for the first time, he came to my hometown. He even told me that he loved me. Since that month, we have literally seen each other every month for like 1-2 days. However ive noticed that im the one initiating the meet up. I can for example say lets meet “this date” and he can respond and say, no im busy (he is in uni) but i’ll check my schedule. But he never does! So weeks later i have to bring it up again, for him to say yeah okay. I find it weird and it bothers me that it has to be a hassle to set a date, but when we meet each other everything is great, and its been like that since june. Each time i promise myself that i wont ask and that he has to ask me, but i just cant help myself. Ugh.
I have alot on my chest, please bare with me 😂
During arguments things can get bad. We raise our voices at each other. Well he starts and i follow. We dont see the problem as a team, its like whoever talks the most and loudest wins. He has a tendency to blame me and change the subject. And what really annoys me is that he will say his argument and always end it with “bc it is so”. Basically telling me what im saying isnt true bc what he thinks and feels matter. He always sighs when im talking, basically he is not interested in hearing what i have to say. I never feel like i can fully express myself to him, bc he is very dominated. Ans he has told me before to talk place in arguments, but it is hard. We have had discussions about our arguments multiple times and we have said we have to communicate better, but everytime we talk one step forward, we take two steps back the next day.
Im not an angel. I feel like i start the arguments most of the times, but its bc some of the things he says annoys me and i have to tell him off. 5 of 10 i shouldnt do that and instead chill. But lately ive been more annoyed since i found out that he called his ex (they were together a long time ago) when he came and visited me AND TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. Like the math and mathing there??? I was so confused. How are you gonna come and visit me, tell me your feelings and that you love me, for you later that night call your ex (she didnt pick up, but she wrote in a message to him that she called him back but his phone wasnt working). I haven’t confronted him about this.
Im so confused, tired and numb. The second half of 2021 has been shit. It has consisted of a lot of tears bc im fed up, but at the same time i dont want to give up. He has meet my father and he calls my father sometimes to check up on him. When we are great, we are great. And when it is bad, its really bad. And its been too much going on lately that im having doubts. Like we dont communicate that much anymore. Well i do and he not so much. I always try to update him about my day but he doesnt. And when i tell him that im upset that we havent talked that much today, he replies with well why didnt you write to me. I just really want to tell him that the reason behind me not give 100% energy anymore is bc im trying to match his energy. Im fed up with always having to make him talk to me MORE.
Last time we met was in december. We had arguments in real life and we were also having good times. He said that he wanted to celebrate new years with me and take me out. The dinner ended with me paying it bc he “forgot his card”. The same thing happened on my birthday dinner. He told me that he would pay me back, but i told him no. But how are you going to ask someone out and not pay for it? I just wished he would be honest about his financial status. I wont judge.
He graduates this summer and we are planning to get married early next year. He said that he has to get a job and earn money. Sometimes im excited about that and plan the wedding in my head and sometimes im scared that we wont last in the long run. My biggest fear is to get married to someone and it not working out. Maybe we did this to ourselves, like our relationship hasnt been 100% halal (we havent had sex), and the reason as to why im maybe not letting go is bc im scared that if i find a new guy and im not being halal with him either, ive done things with two guys.
It sounds like im shitting on our relationship, but really i do love him. Everytime he calls or text me good morning i smile. He calms me down everytime i hear his voice. He cares about my wellbeing and doesnt want anything to happen to me. He talks to me until i fall asleep at night. And he helps me when i need it. But i feel like im making the bad is outweigh the good. Or am i over exaggerating?
PLEASE give me some advice
You’re wasting your time.
This whole marriage thing that he is proposing you is also a waste of time. This man has no intentions of marrying you. What he is doing though is keeping you sweet so you don’t realise he has been bullshitting you this entire time. None of his actions match up to someone who wants to spend the rest of their lives with you. Not a damn thing.
The first year of a relationship shouldn’t be THIS hard. Perhaps it’s the long distance at first that strained you two, but this now is overdoing it. On top of this he has contacted his ex. What more proof do you need that this guy is not for you?
If you think he is going to change because of marriage, you will be sorely mistaken. The best would be to leave him behind. Don’t ignore the flags. Everything you see now with be heightened 10 times when you guys get married. If you are the type who always chooses and sticks out an unhappy relationship with a partner who has no interest in change or growth, then it’s time to look at why. It’s not just you who does this trust me, I think every woman has done this at least once in their lives. They stay in relationships that they don’t like out of fear they won’t meet anyone else. Not true.
Time and time again we have seen women elevate after leaving toxic relationships. We have also seen them end up with someone WAY better than their previous partner and we’re all like wow Ciara prayer. The point is this can happen and it will once you realise your worth.
I understand you love him, but love isn’t everything. Its really isn’t. A relationship is like a pyramid, of course love is the foundation, but there’s more factors that are involved to make a relationship great. You can’t just have a foundation and think you can survive off that alone. It’s idealistic. Also sometimes what you think is love, isn’t actually love either. Because the love is coming from a place of fear, you HAVE to love him because that’s gonna make him stay. But when you deep it, does his actions look like they’re coming from someone that loves you? I don’t think so