So, i’ve met this guy in Malaysia who comes across as very kind, emotionally intelligent and caring. He’s everything I want in a guy in terms of how he treats me and we get on very well. Only issue is that he has a Somali passport and i’ve been hearing horror stories of men using girls to get to the West. Sometimes, he comes across as too good to be true and now i can’t work out if he really might have an ulterior motive. He tells me that he has no intentions of coming to the West and that he’s happy being where he is. He says he loves being in a Muslim country. He’s very ambitious and smart and I feel what is hindering him is his lack of opportunities e.g passport and i’m begining to get doubts, what If he thinks i’m merely the key to achieve his goals? Recently, family have been concerned and he isn’t the most financially stable. He isn’t broke, but I definitely out earn him. I’ve caught feelings, but now that I think about it, the idea of being used or being the one that might end up being the main breadwinner gives me anxiety.
I have those around me who tell me to go for it, wealth ect is calaf and then I have other family members telling me it’s too much of a risk, especially when it is common for men to act really sweet if it means getting to the West. Recently, i’ve been coming across stories and actual girls who’ve been burned 😭.
My question is, if you were in my situation what would you do?
My thing is, whilst everything is seemingly good and that, does it make sense? Does the relationship make sense? No matter what anyone tells you, love is not enough to sustain a relationship. The relationship has to be practical.
When I was younger, no matter how much I liked a guy, if it wasn’t cohesive with the kind of relationship I wanted for me and my future, then I was going to risk investing in it. Why? Because I know as a woman I’m going to comprise my future anyway when I settle down, so at least in this relationship I want it to add to my life, not take away from me.
This is why I’m not really a fan of long distance. Long distance requires a lot more effort in communication and you have to be really honest with each other. Honest as in, reminding each other of the harsh reality instead of just trying to ignore it and brushing it under the carpet which most people dp. You constantly have to remind yourself that this guy is going to have a lot of difficulties whilst being in a relationship with you i.e: being financially stable and having a pretty much worthless passport if we’re being honest. Its going to be hard for him to get a visa around the world with a Somali passport. Also, him being able to travel to places like the west is going to rely heavily on you. You’re going to be his sponsor, literally and figuratively.
Me personally, I would avoid those relationships. For me, a relationship shouldn’t be that hard, its too technical. I want to go with the flow and have fun, not constantly having to remind myself that in order for this relationship to work, I NEED TO BE THE ONE LEADING HERE. When no, I’d rather be dainty and having fun.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey, so I get mad anxiety sometimes I don’t know what it is. Like I’ll just be on my phone and get so anxious for no reason. No one has ever realised that my anxiety is above the roof or that I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I’ve come to a point in life where i’m so sick of this & want to go out and seek therapy. The only problem is that I’m 19 and can’t afford therapy like that ( when I also pay for travel, food etc). So I don’t know what to do. I literally feel like im about to lose my mind.
Not sure if it’s true, but it’s been said that often when one is stressed they turn to something that they are able to control, in this case cleaning.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more anxious, and the only way I can control those feelings, is by controlling the things around me. I think that’s called being in a flow state. Focusing on something tedious like that is the only thing that helps me, too. I’m too energetic to meditate in the traditional sense, so getting into a flow state a few hours per week really resets and calms my mind. I always have to clean, plan in my organiser etc.
Also I stay away from things that make me feel very anxious. Sometimes, that might be my phone and what I see on twitter. I’ve also become very self aware with the things I watch and what I poison my mind with. I don’t watch things that make me look at my life and feel unhappy. Its nuts, because sometimes you can see something and think you’re left behind even when illahi has blessed you with so much. Its cool to use things as motivation, but recognise when its making you unhappy and act accordingly.
Prayer. Man I think last year was the first ever time I had a real panic attack, like the proper heart palpitations and you feel like you can’t breathe. I put my fat headphones on and listened to someone reciting the Quran as I cleaned the house (to calm and distract myself). Wallahi it worked. Also making dua quietly to yourself before you close your eyes to sleep, it makes me feel like a kid again. I get so calm and fall asleep.
Another thing, if family are making me anxious, I step back. It’s easier now that I’ve moved out, but before, if family were making me more anxious- IM OUTSIDE. I’ll work more hours, stay out with friends, go out for a walk. Sometimes you just need a few hours for yourself, alone and away from everyone else.
The thoughts and self-talk you focus on the most will become your deepest beliefs real talk! If you’re constantly focused on “I’m not good enough”, then you’ll start to believe that thought so much it’ll paralyse you. Change how you talk to yourself, seriously. Be kinder to yourself, if you fuck up, have that ‘it is what it is’ mentality and move on. Don’t be hung up on the shit you did yesterday, todays a new day.
Anon
3 years ago
I want to start off my saying JazzakAllah Khair for this page. Been following for a short time and I’m learning so much.
Recently joined a Muslim marriage app. First time on something like it. My problem is when I speak to someone I’m attracted to I’m not myself. It’s so weird even over messages! But when I’m not attracted to someone I am myself and they are interested and I end up closing the conversation because there is no attraction.Why I’m I finding it difficult to be myself! There was a guy the only one actually that I was attracted too he messaged first and after I saw his picture I instantly thought to myself his too good looking for me?! I really do need to get a grip of myself??
You have to OWN you! Confidence is an energy that you choose to vibe with, it comes with being you and embracing what makes you, you. What I’ve realised is those who choose to be unapologetically them, are most confident because they don’t give a fuck what other people think about them. In fact, these people are the most popular, because everyone just wants to be around them.
What makes you think he’s out of your league? You see that thing there, you think he’s better than you, and that you must lack something. That’s not good, because people can sense when you think so little of yourself and ultimately, it ruins your drawing power. No one wants to be around someone who isn’t confident.
Take your appearance into account. Look more like the person you want to be and are proud of. That’s all everyone else will see also and it’s an instant mood & confidence lifter. “If you look good, you feel good. If you feel good, you play good. If you play good, they pay good.” You feel me?
But honestly the truth is, by gaining life experiences – lots of them. Especially ones that require the ability to read the room and ones that push you outside your comfort zone, you just become more self-assured. I think growing up around people who didn’t look like me or had the same culture as me really forced me to get out of my shell. Because I had to talk to be heard, if that makes sense? The only way you’ll pay attention to me is if I make you see me. And you can do that by just getting used to situations that aren’t very comfortable. Get to know more people, try make friends etc. You gain perspective and knowledge which generally makes you more interesting to talk to, and better yet, you feel more confident talking to people. I feel the most confident when I talk to strangers, because making a good first impression is long lasting- and I always want it to be a good one.
When you get out more, you also tend to meet more people and gain a wider social network which doesn’t hurt when it comes to dating and trying to figure all of that out. I’ve had the best relationships by simply being myself, trying to better myself through new experiences, and then running into awesome people along the way who love what I love. I mean it probably doesn’t sound like this, but wallahi it translates so well when it comes to dating. When you’re used to socializing and being confident, it makes it that much easier to put yourself forward in the dating scene.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sisters,
I have a bit of a dilemma. I’ve started dating this guy that I’ve known for 2 years for about 5 months now and Alhamdulilah it’s been great so far. He’s literally everything that I would want in a guy. &we get one so so so well. However, there’s a few things where I’m like omg this is a bit sticky. Number 1 is I’m a 23 year old and he’s 31 years old. the age gap is obviously there. But he doesn’t care one bit and neither do I. We’ve spoken about and he’s reassured me that 8 years is nothing to him and with me Idm it either, I’d rather be with someone who’s mature and has his head on straight rather than someone who doesn’t know what he wants in life. He’s told his friends that we’re dating and they’ve said that it’s a bit mad but he’s me told that that’s their opinion and he loves me for me no matter what anyone else says. so my question is, is 8 years really that deep? I’ve told my friends and they said that as long as you two get along then no one’s opinion should really matter, which I agree with.
One thing I’ll say is, age gaps are not what you think it is. I swear to you. Everyone makes it seem like its such a big deal and that you’re on two completely different pages, when its not like that.
Obviously there are some older men that you should avoid. For example, The older partner is in a position of power over the younger partner, and are perhaps looking for someone who can be controlled or manipulated, or who will put up with more. Perhaps the younger partner is being used as a status symbol. All that shit. Those men, avoid avoid avoid!
But if someone is older than you, Is literally LIKE YOU, you guys have the same hobbies, same banter, there’s a connection, and the only difference is the age – then there is no problem! In fact it is better. Out of all my siblings, I am the closest to the one in his thirties. He’s not more mature than I am, sometimes I don’t even think he’s 33 because we have the same banter, hobbies and some of the responsibilities we share being siblings (except he has kids and I don’t). People assume men/women in their thirties are really old and outdated, it’s so far from the truth. A lot of the hyper-visible people we follow on social media i.e: twitter are in their thirties, and they talk about the same shit we do.
Personally before I got married, my dating experience changed for the better when I stopped trying to get to know people my age. All the little dramas and inconveniences didn’t happen anymore, and I genuinely felt like I was seen as a person rather than just someone’s past time, you feel me? Also there were no ‘he was talking to her before me’ ‘another woman in the picture’ ‘he still hasn’t taken me out’ – omg horta the last one yeah, that was probably the best thing that stopped happening. A lot of young guys have no confidence, they are so afraid to make it clear they even like you, so forget them even asking you out. They have no back bone. And they love the mandem too much, always worrying about what they think. When a grown man wants you though, he will make it very clear. He likes you? He will let you know? He wants to take you somewhere nice? What time we meeting baby, that’s how it goes LOL.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey
This is so random,but I think I have a problem.
So basically I’m a virgin and I never used to understand why I’ve been thinking about sex my whole life.Like ,its the weirdest thing ever until I thought I might be a hypersexual,but then Ive never had sex before.I feel like it’s a problem and I’ve tried to pray and make dua but idk it’s just constant.
I think I kind of understand it a bit more, because I researched about people who are hypersexual and it’s linking to sexual abuse, so I thought that could be my reason.
I’m trying not to commit zina,but i feel like it’s so available nowadays and it’s becoming harder for me everyday.Im trying to prevent myself thinking about it,
Im 20,so marriage isn’t in the question for me anytime soon,plus I wouldn’t want to disrespect something as sacred as that and I won’t be ready for marriage any time soon.
Lol I haven’t told this to anyone, but it’s really hard to concentrate on things I should be doing when this is all my mind goes to.
What do you think I should do?
Sex isn’t going anywhere. Point blank period. It really isn’t. I think when you’re younger, you just want to experience all the things you’ve never had before and then before you even know it, you’ll be married and have all those things. I think that goes for everything you know. When you’re younger, you want to work, have your own money, your own house, a car, and then all of a sudden- its here. And you’re like damn, how did time fly so fast? Sex and marriage isn’t going anywhere, it’ll be there. Just like all the other things you’ve been waiting for.
Another thing I’ll say, the sunnah is to fast to curb your desires. Having physical desires is totally normal. At some point everyone would had experienced that and you know what, it’s a good thing. You get good deeds written for you when you partake in it in a halal way i.e: marriage. And you get good deeds written when you struggle and abstain from Haram means of it. Don’t feel weird and guilty because you feel this way, honestly you’re good.
It’s unrealistic to think you can stop it altogether through sheer willpower and prayer tbh, because desiring intimacy is just human nature. However by diverting that sexual energy to something else like exercise and hobbies that take you out of your room can help.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey ;))
I hope you’re good abayo
I just found this page and I’m in a really weird predicament.
Basically, this boy started talking to me during the summer and he was flirting with me most of the time and Idk I didn’t mind it at the time. He kept on asking to link and I would say no because it was never that serious to me.
Anyways ,we’d facetime and call and whatever and he liked the same things as me like anime, same music, etc and he was really funny too.
But now, its so weird to me because I realised I actually like him, instead of me just having fun, you know. I’ve never talked to a boy this long and I’ve never been in a relationship
He’s more serious about it now because he’s been asking to take me out and stuff, but I don’t think I want to because it was really weird and sexual at the beginning and I just don’t think its the way a potential relationship should go. Also, he’s asked me to send my bank details, so he can send me money whenever, asked if I wanted him to drop me off at work or uni, etc, and he’s said/asked other things like this too.
Ever since I’ve been speaking to him and other boys are interested in me, I find myself just thinking about him and it’s the weirdest thing ever. I’m saying this because I’m literally the most cynical person ever .My friends kind of know about him, but a lot of my friends are religious, so I haven’t really asked for their advice on this.
I do find him attractive and I really enjoy speaking to him, but I’m scared he’ll turn out to be a rapist or something because of the way we was at the beginning.
Girl what makes you think he will be a rapist??? Goodness me.
You are far too anxious, and you need to address those nerves because otherwise you’re going to just continue self sabotaging. What is it about him you don’t trust and how can you address this?
For me, I keep just one simple rule for myself: don’t start out doing/accepting things you won’t be comfortable doing/accepting in the long run. Simple.
You feel like he might not take you seriously in the future and just date for the sake of it? Cool, this is what you’re gonna do. Don’t meet up for last-minute dates until you’ve spoken for long enough. Make sure you schedule dates at least a day or two in advance.
You feel like he’s going to take you away from your friends, make sure you don’t cancel previously established plans with friends/family for a date.
You think he’s going to make things very sexual, then make sure you let that man know exactly what your boundaries are. Clear boundaries, no sexual conversations, and if you guys are gonna meet, meet in public.
Boundaries really depend on what you’re comfortable with & it’s going to look different for different people! So if you want there to be boundaries, you have to communicate this very clearly.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girliess!
soo I’m getting married in march and the preparations for that isn’t even what’s worrying me. What’s making me not eat and feel nauseous and stay up all night about is our first time . Since lockdown started I put on a ton of weight and my stretch marks, particularly on my ass, upper thighs and fupa, is MAAAD. now I was thinking to postpone the wedding by a year so I have a year to fix myself up. What do you think I should do? Btw I’m not exaggerating about my stretch marks loool they look crazy especially around my ass. But I got a big ass and thighs if that helps the situation loool.
Haha listen we have all been there. When you’ve never shown your body before to anyone, you are bond to feel anxious. Take it slow, don’t rush yourself and make sure you feel comfortable voicing what you want. Don’t push back your wedding LOOOOL (dw we have all thought that too haha). My older sisters and aunts used to tell me all the time, men don’t care what your body look like as long as they find you attractive if that makes sense?
If it’s good nerves i.e: you just being excited, that’s okay, in fact its more exciting because you’re with someone you trust and loves you unconditionally, you’re good. Just take it slow and ease into it. If you go slow, you’ll get used to the new feelings and feel more comfortable. Your nerves will naturally go away, or intensify (in a good way). If it feels like too much, or your nerves are bad, stop. They’re there for a reason.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi ladies,
I truly admire this page, Mashallah on all that you have done for others and accomplished. I read through these so much and have gained so much knowledge Alhamdulilah. May Allah bless you both. x
I honestly wanted advice on how to get a man. I am 22(F) never been on a date or in love ever and don’t have others to relate with this around me. It’s very unheard of at my age and slightly embarrassing. All my ladies around me have their own men and are never single for long then there’s me with nothing. Every couple years or so I have random crushes that last too long and nothing ever happens. I try to reach out and nothing ever advances. I see how easy it is for my friends to be approached and off the market and wonder if I’m doing something wrong. It is not that I am jealous astagfirullah, more so that I have begun to compare and get lonely. I currently have a crush on an instagram man he seems older and is a bit of a sheikh. There’s been just a few instagram messages exchanged between us nothing serious. The first one from him about a response I said to his story post and one of me responding to his story. I also have a bad habit of imagining things once any male gives me attention looool. Firstly how do I take things further? I don’t want to put myself too out there but just a little to see if he is single or interested. I also cant ask around because he’s from the states.
I apologize I hope I don’t sound to crazy. Bless you both & thank you!
I feel like generally, if you are not easily approachable, than chances of you getting approached is very slim. Most people don’t know that theyre approachable, they just assume guys are not attracted to them (even if theyre pretty). You have to be personable and relaxed. Being friendly always worked for me when I was single. I never used to act up around the opposite gender, mainly because I didn’t feel like I had to and also, I knew it never worked well for girls who did act boujie. So if it didn’t work for them even though they were 10/10, its probably not going to work for me either. Having a great sense of humor that translates to good banter is your best bet. Any woman that can have good inside jokes with is charming/attractive.
Enthusiasm makes a big difference, doesn’t matter much about what. The lovely weather, life in general, a hobby, a specific topic, whatever. Look exciteable! The best thing is when everyone always assume you’re in a good mood, because then naturally they just want to be around you. No one wants to be around someone who looks like they’re pissed off and not happy. Not smiling and talking will make you look like that.
Another thing, the most successful for me was to pretend I did not know about something so a guy could explain it for me. Don’t play completely dumb, try picking something you actually DON’T know, like ‘hey, can you take me to golf?’ or ‘I can’t figure out how to set this up on my phone’. Giving men an opportunity to help you is quite good. Like it proper makes them feel like theyre useful to you, rather than just them being there. Everyone has different collections of knowledge, there must be SOMETHING he knows that you don’t know. then he gets the enjoyment of explaining, and you get the enjoyment of learning!
Also accept a compliment when it is given. When a guy tells you that you look nice, or that you are pretty. Just say thank you. Do not argue or deny it. You aren’t being modest, you are basically telling him that his judgement is wrong.
Again, when you’re dating or trying to get to know people, you have to make sure you have that skill at being charming. Honestly it’s your best bet. That and being able to revolve around your ability to know interesting things and to pay attention to the people you are talking to. People love to talk to someone that pays attention. People trust the opinions of people like that because they just seem like they take in all the information and show it. Your popularity in a group setting tends to rely on your previous personal interactions with each person there. You get me?
Notice something subtle about someone and ask about it!! Doesn’t make if you look too keen or eager, people love when someone pay attention. That’s because you’re the person that always notices when they had a bad day. You’re not the unapproachable person that doesn’t care and they know that. It makes people feel good when they know something others don’t and that makes them like you more.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi girl!!! So I’ve been talking to this guy for a couple weeks, (met off dating app) and it started off really well. We live in different states and haven’t met yet. But the past couple days has been really awkward, his responses have been super short and giving me mixed signals. I don’t know whether I’m overreacting or he’s just not into it, but I haven’t been texting him and he hasn’t reached out as well.. I don’t know how i should go about this or what i should say or just come out and ask him if he’s interested but i need some advice /:
If in this case he is sending you mixed signals, maybe he’s trying to get a read on how interested you are and he’s not getting enough positive signals from you. See if he responds to you once you start giving him energy. If not, take that as a sign of he’s just not interested
Anon
3 years ago
Hi sis! I just wanted to say the advice you give is amazing mashallah, you’re such a wise person & may allah bless you for providing assistance to so many people!!
So basically my parents got divorced when I was 10 years old (for context I’m 20 now), the divorce itself highly affected me mentally as I was so close to my dad & I moved to a different country so there was a bit of a distance in between us. As I’ve gotten older and started getting more into the dating scene I’ve realised that I have slight commitment issue, I cannot be with someone for more than 6 months I get sick of them really fast. Im not sure what leads me to get sick of them it happens so suddenly that I even get shocked. I find myself questioning how someone could love me as well and when I start questioning myself I end up telling myself “this is all a front they don’t really care for you, which often leads me to self sabotage a lot of my relationships. For example, I was talking to someone who was absolutely perfect he was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man,however 8 months in I just got completely sick of him everything he did turned me off & I couldn’t figure out what was causing that. Despite this I continued talking to him because I realised that he was everything I wanted in someone, a few months later I ended up blocking him everywhere.
I never really recognised how much my parents divorce affected me wallahi, I did not realise that it would impact the way I am in relationships. I realise that I do definitely need to seek therapy but I just find it so embarrassing to speak to someone about my issues ( I honestly don’t know why I find it so embarrassing), but is there anything you would recommend to help me stop my self sabotaging behaviours?
Everything in your life can influence you. That’s the annoying thing about growing up and being adult, everything is just you absorbing past information and reliving it. For your parents, you don’t know 100% of why they got divorced. Their fears and insecurities were the cause of their divorce and these probably developed your own fears and insecurities. One cannot give what one does not have. They could not teach you how to deal with the world in an emotionally healthy manner, because they themselves did not know how to do it. In fact, they probably didn´t even know they didn´t know. Because usually in the lowest level of ignorance, one ignores its own ignorance.
I think analysis is the first step. You’re identifying where this stems from: fear. Everyone on some level is afraid of emotional vulnerability, some of us are just more so due to seeing the negative side of what can happen when it goes wrong. The fact you’re thinking about it though and analysing your pattern is the first step and perhaps the hardest one on the road to recovery. Whatever this is, is ultimately what’s stopping you from having meaningful relationships. I definitely feel like you would benefit from therapy. Go for it, because at the end of the day, if you keep self sabotaging its just going to keep taking from you until you’re left with nothing.
Hi girls!
So, i’ve met this guy in Malaysia who comes across as very kind, emotionally intelligent and caring. He’s everything I want in a guy in terms of how he treats me and we get on very well. Only issue is that he has a Somali passport and i’ve been hearing horror stories of men using girls to get to the West. Sometimes, he comes across as too good to be true and now i can’t work out if he really might have an ulterior motive. He tells me that he has no intentions of coming to the West and that he’s happy being where he is. He says he loves being in a Muslim country. He’s very ambitious and smart and I feel what is hindering him is his lack of opportunities e.g passport and i’m begining to get doubts, what If he thinks i’m merely the key to achieve his goals? Recently, family have been concerned and he isn’t the most financially stable. He isn’t broke, but I definitely out earn him. I’ve caught feelings, but now that I think about it, the idea of being used or being the one that might end up being the main breadwinner gives me anxiety.
I have those around me who tell me to go for it, wealth ect is calaf and then I have other family members telling me it’s too much of a risk, especially when it is common for men to act really sweet if it means getting to the West. Recently, i’ve been coming across stories and actual girls who’ve been burned 😭.
My question is, if you were in my situation what would you do?
My thing is, whilst everything is seemingly good and that, does it make sense? Does the relationship make sense? No matter what anyone tells you, love is not enough to sustain a relationship. The relationship has to be practical.
When I was younger, no matter how much I liked a guy, if it wasn’t cohesive with the kind of relationship I wanted for me and my future, then I was going to risk investing in it. Why? Because I know as a woman I’m going to comprise my future anyway when I settle down, so at least in this relationship I want it to add to my life, not take away from me.
This is why I’m not really a fan of long distance. Long distance requires a lot more effort in communication and you have to be really honest with each other. Honest as in, reminding each other of the harsh reality instead of just trying to ignore it and brushing it under the carpet which most people dp. You constantly have to remind yourself that this guy is going to have a lot of difficulties whilst being in a relationship with you i.e: being financially stable and having a pretty much worthless passport if we’re being honest. Its going to be hard for him to get a visa around the world with a Somali passport. Also, him being able to travel to places like the west is going to rely heavily on you. You’re going to be his sponsor, literally and figuratively.
Me personally, I would avoid those relationships. For me, a relationship shouldn’t be that hard, its too technical. I want to go with the flow and have fun, not constantly having to remind myself that in order for this relationship to work, I NEED TO BE THE ONE LEADING HERE. When no, I’d rather be dainty and having fun.
Hey, so I get mad anxiety sometimes I don’t know what it is. Like I’ll just be on my phone and get so anxious for no reason. No one has ever realised that my anxiety is above the roof or that I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I’ve come to a point in life where i’m so sick of this & want to go out and seek therapy. The only problem is that I’m 19 and can’t afford therapy like that ( when I also pay for travel, food etc). So I don’t know what to do. I literally feel like im about to lose my mind.
Not sure if it’s true, but it’s been said that often when one is stressed they turn to something that they are able to control, in this case cleaning.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more anxious, and the only way I can control those feelings, is by controlling the things around me. I think that’s called being in a flow state. Focusing on something tedious like that is the only thing that helps me, too. I’m too energetic to meditate in the traditional sense, so getting into a flow state a few hours per week really resets and calms my mind. I always have to clean, plan in my organiser etc.
Also I stay away from things that make me feel very anxious. Sometimes, that might be my phone and what I see on twitter. I’ve also become very self aware with the things I watch and what I poison my mind with. I don’t watch things that make me look at my life and feel unhappy. Its nuts, because sometimes you can see something and think you’re left behind even when illahi has blessed you with so much. Its cool to use things as motivation, but recognise when its making you unhappy and act accordingly.
Prayer. Man I think last year was the first ever time I had a real panic attack, like the proper heart palpitations and you feel like you can’t breathe. I put my fat headphones on and listened to someone reciting the Quran as I cleaned the house (to calm and distract myself). Wallahi it worked. Also making dua quietly to yourself before you close your eyes to sleep, it makes me feel like a kid again. I get so calm and fall asleep.
Another thing, if family are making me anxious, I step back. It’s easier now that I’ve moved out, but before, if family were making me more anxious- IM OUTSIDE. I’ll work more hours, stay out with friends, go out for a walk. Sometimes you just need a few hours for yourself, alone and away from everyone else.
The thoughts and self-talk you focus on the most will become your deepest beliefs real talk! If you’re constantly focused on “I’m not good enough”, then you’ll start to believe that thought so much it’ll paralyse you. Change how you talk to yourself, seriously. Be kinder to yourself, if you fuck up, have that ‘it is what it is’ mentality and move on. Don’t be hung up on the shit you did yesterday, todays a new day.
I want to start off my saying JazzakAllah Khair for this page. Been following for a short time and I’m learning so much.
Recently joined a Muslim marriage app. First time on something like it. My problem is when I speak to someone I’m attracted to I’m not myself. It’s so weird even over messages! But when I’m not attracted to someone I am myself and they are interested and I end up closing the conversation because there is no attraction.Why I’m I finding it difficult to be myself! There was a guy the only one actually that I was attracted too he messaged first and after I saw his picture I instantly thought to myself his too good looking for me?! I really do need to get a grip of myself??
You have to OWN you! Confidence is an energy that you choose to vibe with, it comes with being you and embracing what makes you, you. What I’ve realised is those who choose to be unapologetically them, are most confident because they don’t give a fuck what other people think about them. In fact, these people are the most popular, because everyone just wants to be around them.
What makes you think he’s out of your league? You see that thing there, you think he’s better than you, and that you must lack something. That’s not good, because people can sense when you think so little of yourself and ultimately, it ruins your drawing power. No one wants to be around someone who isn’t confident.
Take your appearance into account. Look more like the person you want to be and are proud of. That’s all everyone else will see also and it’s an instant mood & confidence lifter. “If you look good, you feel good. If you feel good, you play good. If you play good, they pay good.” You feel me?
But honestly the truth is, by gaining life experiences – lots of them. Especially ones that require the ability to read the room and ones that push you outside your comfort zone, you just become more self-assured. I think growing up around people who didn’t look like me or had the same culture as me really forced me to get out of my shell. Because I had to talk to be heard, if that makes sense? The only way you’ll pay attention to me is if I make you see me. And you can do that by just getting used to situations that aren’t very comfortable. Get to know more people, try make friends etc. You gain perspective and knowledge which generally makes you more interesting to talk to, and better yet, you feel more confident talking to people. I feel the most confident when I talk to strangers, because making a good first impression is long lasting- and I always want it to be a good one.
When you get out more, you also tend to meet more people and gain a wider social network which doesn’t hurt when it comes to dating and trying to figure all of that out. I’ve had the best relationships by simply being myself, trying to better myself through new experiences, and then running into awesome people along the way who love what I love. I mean it probably doesn’t sound like this, but wallahi it translates so well when it comes to dating. When you’re used to socializing and being confident, it makes it that much easier to put yourself forward in the dating scene.
Hey sisters,
I have a bit of a dilemma. I’ve started dating this guy that I’ve known for 2 years for about 5 months now and Alhamdulilah it’s been great so far. He’s literally everything that I would want in a guy. &we get one so so so well. However, there’s a few things where I’m like omg this is a bit sticky. Number 1 is I’m a 23 year old and he’s 31 years old. the age gap is obviously there. But he doesn’t care one bit and neither do I. We’ve spoken about and he’s reassured me that 8 years is nothing to him and with me Idm it either, I’d rather be with someone who’s mature and has his head on straight rather than someone who doesn’t know what he wants in life. He’s told his friends that we’re dating and they’ve said that it’s a bit mad but he’s me told that that’s their opinion and he loves me for me no matter what anyone else says. so my question is, is 8 years really that deep? I’ve told my friends and they said that as long as you two get along then no one’s opinion should really matter, which I agree with.
One thing I’ll say is, age gaps are not what you think it is. I swear to you. Everyone makes it seem like its such a big deal and that you’re on two completely different pages, when its not like that.
Obviously there are some older men that you should avoid. For example, The older partner is in a position of power over the younger partner, and are perhaps looking for someone who can be controlled or manipulated, or who will put up with more. Perhaps the younger partner is being used as a status symbol. All that shit. Those men, avoid avoid avoid!
But if someone is older than you, Is literally LIKE YOU, you guys have the same hobbies, same banter, there’s a connection, and the only difference is the age – then there is no problem! In fact it is better. Out of all my siblings, I am the closest to the one in his thirties. He’s not more mature than I am, sometimes I don’t even think he’s 33 because we have the same banter, hobbies and some of the responsibilities we share being siblings (except he has kids and I don’t). People assume men/women in their thirties are really old and outdated, it’s so far from the truth. A lot of the hyper-visible people we follow on social media i.e: twitter are in their thirties, and they talk about the same shit we do.
Personally before I got married, my dating experience changed for the better when I stopped trying to get to know people my age. All the little dramas and inconveniences didn’t happen anymore, and I genuinely felt like I was seen as a person rather than just someone’s past time, you feel me? Also there were no ‘he was talking to her before me’ ‘another woman in the picture’ ‘he still hasn’t taken me out’ – omg horta the last one yeah, that was probably the best thing that stopped happening. A lot of young guys have no confidence, they are so afraid to make it clear they even like you, so forget them even asking you out. They have no back bone. And they love the mandem too much, always worrying about what they think. When a grown man wants you though, he will make it very clear. He likes you? He will let you know? He wants to take you somewhere nice? What time we meeting baby, that’s how it goes LOL.
Hey
This is so random,but I think I have a problem.
So basically I’m a virgin and I never used to understand why I’ve been thinking about sex my whole life.Like ,its the weirdest thing ever until I thought I might be a hypersexual,but then Ive never had sex before.I feel like it’s a problem and I’ve tried to pray and make dua but idk it’s just constant.
I think I kind of understand it a bit more, because I researched about people who are hypersexual and it’s linking to sexual abuse, so I thought that could be my reason.
I’m trying not to commit zina,but i feel like it’s so available nowadays and it’s becoming harder for me everyday.Im trying to prevent myself thinking about it,
Im 20,so marriage isn’t in the question for me anytime soon,plus I wouldn’t want to disrespect something as sacred as that and I won’t be ready for marriage any time soon.
Lol I haven’t told this to anyone, but it’s really hard to concentrate on things I should be doing when this is all my mind goes to.
What do you think I should do?
Sex isn’t going anywhere. Point blank period. It really isn’t. I think when you’re younger, you just want to experience all the things you’ve never had before and then before you even know it, you’ll be married and have all those things. I think that goes for everything you know. When you’re younger, you want to work, have your own money, your own house, a car, and then all of a sudden- its here. And you’re like damn, how did time fly so fast? Sex and marriage isn’t going anywhere, it’ll be there. Just like all the other things you’ve been waiting for.
Another thing I’ll say, the sunnah is to fast to curb your desires. Having physical desires is totally normal. At some point everyone would had experienced that and you know what, it’s a good thing. You get good deeds written for you when you partake in it in a halal way i.e: marriage. And you get good deeds written when you struggle and abstain from Haram means of it. Don’t feel weird and guilty because you feel this way, honestly you’re good.
It’s unrealistic to think you can stop it altogether through sheer willpower and prayer tbh, because desiring intimacy is just human nature. However by diverting that sexual energy to something else like exercise and hobbies that take you out of your room can help.
Hey ;))
I hope you’re good abayo
I just found this page and I’m in a really weird predicament.
Basically, this boy started talking to me during the summer and he was flirting with me most of the time and Idk I didn’t mind it at the time. He kept on asking to link and I would say no because it was never that serious to me.
Anyways ,we’d facetime and call and whatever and he liked the same things as me like anime, same music, etc and he was really funny too.
But now, its so weird to me because I realised I actually like him, instead of me just having fun, you know. I’ve never talked to a boy this long and I’ve never been in a relationship
He’s more serious about it now because he’s been asking to take me out and stuff, but I don’t think I want to because it was really weird and sexual at the beginning and I just don’t think its the way a potential relationship should go. Also, he’s asked me to send my bank details, so he can send me money whenever, asked if I wanted him to drop me off at work or uni, etc, and he’s said/asked other things like this too.
Ever since I’ve been speaking to him and other boys are interested in me, I find myself just thinking about him and it’s the weirdest thing ever. I’m saying this because I’m literally the most cynical person ever .My friends kind of know about him, but a lot of my friends are religious, so I haven’t really asked for their advice on this.
I do find him attractive and I really enjoy speaking to him, but I’m scared he’ll turn out to be a rapist or something because of the way we was at the beginning.
Do you think I should start taking him serious??
Girl what makes you think he will be a rapist??? Goodness me.
You are far too anxious, and you need to address those nerves because otherwise you’re going to just continue self sabotaging. What is it about him you don’t trust and how can you address this?
For me, I keep just one simple rule for myself: don’t start out doing/accepting things you won’t be comfortable doing/accepting in the long run. Simple.
You feel like he might not take you seriously in the future and just date for the sake of it? Cool, this is what you’re gonna do. Don’t meet up for last-minute dates until you’ve spoken for long enough. Make sure you schedule dates at least a day or two in advance.
You feel like he’s going to take you away from your friends, make sure you don’t cancel previously established plans with friends/family for a date.
You think he’s going to make things very sexual, then make sure you let that man know exactly what your boundaries are. Clear boundaries, no sexual conversations, and if you guys are gonna meet, meet in public.
Boundaries really depend on what you’re comfortable with & it’s going to look different for different people! So if you want there to be boundaries, you have to communicate this very clearly.
Hey girliess!
soo I’m getting married in march and the preparations for that isn’t even what’s worrying me. What’s making me not eat and feel nauseous and stay up all night about is our first time . Since lockdown started I put on a ton of weight and my stretch marks, particularly on my ass, upper thighs and fupa, is MAAAD. now I was thinking to postpone the wedding by a year so I have a year to fix myself up. What do you think I should do? Btw I’m not exaggerating about my stretch marks loool they look crazy especially around my ass. But I got a big ass and thighs if that helps the situation loool.
Haha listen we have all been there. When you’ve never shown your body before to anyone, you are bond to feel anxious. Take it slow, don’t rush yourself and make sure you feel comfortable voicing what you want. Don’t push back your wedding LOOOOL (dw we have all thought that too haha). My older sisters and aunts used to tell me all the time, men don’t care what your body look like as long as they find you attractive if that makes sense?
If it’s good nerves i.e: you just being excited, that’s okay, in fact its more exciting because you’re with someone you trust and loves you unconditionally, you’re good. Just take it slow and ease into it. If you go slow, you’ll get used to the new feelings and feel more comfortable. Your nerves will naturally go away, or intensify (in a good way). If it feels like too much, or your nerves are bad, stop. They’re there for a reason.
Hi ladies,
I truly admire this page, Mashallah on all that you have done for others and accomplished. I read through these so much and have gained so much knowledge Alhamdulilah. May Allah bless you both. x
I honestly wanted advice on how to get a man. I am 22(F) never been on a date or in love ever and don’t have others to relate with this around me. It’s very unheard of at my age and slightly embarrassing. All my ladies around me have their own men and are never single for long then there’s me with nothing. Every couple years or so I have random crushes that last too long and nothing ever happens. I try to reach out and nothing ever advances. I see how easy it is for my friends to be approached and off the market and wonder if I’m doing something wrong. It is not that I am jealous astagfirullah, more so that I have begun to compare and get lonely. I currently have a crush on an instagram man he seems older and is a bit of a sheikh. There’s been just a few instagram messages exchanged between us nothing serious. The first one from him about a response I said to his story post and one of me responding to his story. I also have a bad habit of imagining things once any male gives me attention looool. Firstly how do I take things further? I don’t want to put myself too out there but just a little to see if he is single or interested. I also cant ask around because he’s from the states.
I apologize I hope I don’t sound to crazy. Bless you both & thank you!
I feel like generally, if you are not easily approachable, than chances of you getting approached is very slim. Most people don’t know that theyre approachable, they just assume guys are not attracted to them (even if theyre pretty). You have to be personable and relaxed. Being friendly always worked for me when I was single. I never used to act up around the opposite gender, mainly because I didn’t feel like I had to and also, I knew it never worked well for girls who did act boujie. So if it didn’t work for them even though they were 10/10, its probably not going to work for me either. Having a great sense of humor that translates to good banter is your best bet. Any woman that can have good inside jokes with is charming/attractive.
Enthusiasm makes a big difference, doesn’t matter much about what. The lovely weather, life in general, a hobby, a specific topic, whatever. Look exciteable! The best thing is when everyone always assume you’re in a good mood, because then naturally they just want to be around you. No one wants to be around someone who looks like they’re pissed off and not happy. Not smiling and talking will make you look like that.
Another thing, the most successful for me was to pretend I did not know about something so a guy could explain it for me. Don’t play completely dumb, try picking something you actually DON’T know, like ‘hey, can you take me to golf?’ or ‘I can’t figure out how to set this up on my phone’. Giving men an opportunity to help you is quite good. Like it proper makes them feel like theyre useful to you, rather than just them being there. Everyone has different collections of knowledge, there must be SOMETHING he knows that you don’t know. then he gets the enjoyment of explaining, and you get the enjoyment of learning!
Also accept a compliment when it is given. When a guy tells you that you look nice, or that you are pretty. Just say thank you. Do not argue or deny it. You aren’t being modest, you are basically telling him that his judgement is wrong.
Again, when you’re dating or trying to get to know people, you have to make sure you have that skill at being charming. Honestly it’s your best bet. That and being able to revolve around your ability to know interesting things and to pay attention to the people you are talking to. People love to talk to someone that pays attention. People trust the opinions of people like that because they just seem like they take in all the information and show it. Your popularity in a group setting tends to rely on your previous personal interactions with each person there. You get me?
Notice something subtle about someone and ask about it!! Doesn’t make if you look too keen or eager, people love when someone pay attention. That’s because you’re the person that always notices when they had a bad day. You’re not the unapproachable person that doesn’t care and they know that. It makes people feel good when they know something others don’t and that makes them like you more.
Hi girl!!! So I’ve been talking to this guy for a couple weeks, (met off dating app) and it started off really well. We live in different states and haven’t met yet. But the past couple days has been really awkward, his responses have been super short and giving me mixed signals. I don’t know whether I’m overreacting or he’s just not into it, but I haven’t been texting him and he hasn’t reached out as well.. I don’t know how i should go about this or what i should say or just come out and ask him if he’s interested but i need some advice /:
If in this case he is sending you mixed signals, maybe he’s trying to get a read on how interested you are and he’s not getting enough positive signals from you. See if he responds to you once you start giving him energy. If not, take that as a sign of he’s just not interested
Hi sis! I just wanted to say the advice you give is amazing mashallah, you’re such a wise person & may allah bless you for providing assistance to so many people!!
So basically my parents got divorced when I was 10 years old (for context I’m 20 now), the divorce itself highly affected me mentally as I was so close to my dad & I moved to a different country so there was a bit of a distance in between us. As I’ve gotten older and started getting more into the dating scene I’ve realised that I have slight commitment issue, I cannot be with someone for more than 6 months I get sick of them really fast. Im not sure what leads me to get sick of them it happens so suddenly that I even get shocked. I find myself questioning how someone could love me as well and when I start questioning myself I end up telling myself “this is all a front they don’t really care for you, which often leads me to self sabotage a lot of my relationships. For example, I was talking to someone who was absolutely perfect he was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man,however 8 months in I just got completely sick of him everything he did turned me off & I couldn’t figure out what was causing that. Despite this I continued talking to him because I realised that he was everything I wanted in someone, a few months later I ended up blocking him everywhere.
I never really recognised how much my parents divorce affected me wallahi, I did not realise that it would impact the way I am in relationships. I realise that I do definitely need to seek therapy but I just find it so embarrassing to speak to someone about my issues ( I honestly don’t know why I find it so embarrassing), but is there anything you would recommend to help me stop my self sabotaging behaviours?
Everything in your life can influence you. That’s the annoying thing about growing up and being adult, everything is just you absorbing past information and reliving it. For your parents, you don’t know 100% of why they got divorced. Their fears and insecurities were the cause of their divorce and these probably developed your own fears and insecurities. One cannot give what one does not have. They could not teach you how to deal with the world in an emotionally healthy manner, because they themselves did not know how to do it. In fact, they probably didn´t even know they didn´t know. Because usually in the lowest level of ignorance, one ignores its own ignorance.
I think analysis is the first step. You’re identifying where this stems from: fear. Everyone on some level is afraid of emotional vulnerability, some of us are just more so due to seeing the negative side of what can happen when it goes wrong. The fact you’re thinking about it though and analysing your pattern is the first step and perhaps the hardest one on the road to recovery. Whatever this is, is ultimately what’s stopping you from having meaningful relationships. I definitely feel like you would benefit from therapy. Go for it, because at the end of the day, if you keep self sabotaging its just going to keep taking from you until you’re left with nothing.