I’m about to turn 25 and I’m considering looking for a husband. I’ve been raised by religious parents and I’m very shy so I never really got to do the whole talking to men thing. I’ve had men inquiring about me and even asking me directly if they can get to know me better but it’s always older men (30s and 1 was even in his late 50s) so I’ve never really agreed to anything with anyone before and now I find myself feeling clueless on how to start the process. Where do people find partners especially when they’re not on social media? Should I agree to speak with men that I have no intentions of marrying to gain experience or is that a waste of time?
Watch a lot of dating shows, observe how people act with each other when they are on a date, how they flirt and engage with each other. If you have never spoken to a guy before, you need to watch and learn, just so you have an idea of how to conduct yourself. Oh my god in fact, watch the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. Honestly, watch so many episodes, just so you can pick on social cues and see what makes a person charming. You may learn a thing or two.
When you got the theory down, its time for the practical: the dating process. Go on muzmatch, ask your friends to set you up on blind dates, just get yourself out there. Yes going on a date merely for experience is also a thing. So when the real deal comes, you don’t crumble and embarrass yourself.
Anon
3 years ago
Am going to add a more softening story here for vibes. My first love or I let me call it requited love taught me to love. Before that I was super hardened. Never cried in front of people always mature and sensible friend and so on. I was just always on perfection I guess. Too scared to mess up and all. I was also a big overthinker. Anyways he could always tell and would calm me down before I even react, he’d reassure me about things, super sweet in every way in everything. He’d listen to me ramble, give money easily, the world became less scary and easier to navigate. At time I felt like a burden but he’d tell me he’s cool with it. Like nothing bad I did rattled him he’d always be the bigger person. I was never a lover type of girl either so the idea of calling someone babe or anything sweet made me sick lol big cringe. With him I was a cornball. It was only when it ended that I realised how much he’d changed me. I guess we may not be meant to be but if he’s ever in super need of help which I doubt because he’s on job I’d help 50 yrs down the line. I left as someone whod hugged people and compliment all the time 😭ikr basic emotion but I couldn’t do it before, call people sweet words, always understanding and reaching out Alhamdulilaah. I always had it inside me he brought it out so yeh he taught me how to love 😭
That’s what I love so much about love. Look at the self development. Look at how much it changes people. I hope you guys are brought back together, I love little stories light this.
Anon
3 years ago
How do you go about telling your parents about your future spouse , I’ve been with him for a while and I think I’m ready for our families to meet and hopefully get married but I don’t have any older siblings or family members I can tell so they can tel my parent as I’m soooo nervous to tell them I’ve never had any of these types of conversation with them but I think it’s definitely the right time
Awww OMG okay firstly, congratulations! This is the really exciting part. Start by going to an aunt, or a cool uncle. I went to both my cool aunt and uncles, and they laughed at me, before proceeding to ask me “are you being serious?”. Yes I am.
Then give your partner your dads number, and tell your partner to ask his dad to speak to yours. That’s how it went for me. Then let them arrange a day for the dads to meet up, maybe at a restaurant. And in the meanwhile, you speak to your mum.
It’s a daunting process but don’t worry, all the class of 2021 married people had to do it, you can definitely do it too. Good luck! Update us too btw.
Anon
3 years ago
Hello! Thanks for being a big sis and being present for the community in a wise and kind way. Slightly terrified to ask a question but here we go. I don’t go out of my way to find men or start anything up with them. In fact, most are uninteresting as hell. I have no concerns about my image, intellect, or personality which I wanted to preface as context. I know that those are not the problem. With that said, it might be that they find me intimidating which is a comment I get often. I don’t mind people feeling that way about me because that is indicative of themselves and them calculating in what ways they could interact with me in. I do think that is crystal clear that I do not tolerate no disrespect (on anyone’s behalf) nor bullshit. I have no plans on making myself smaller and I believe that how I am perceived has protected me from men with sinister intentions. With that said, despite having self-actualized and firm in my self-love, it’s not that I am upset with being single but more so feeling the blues of having zero romance in my life. I’ve tried the whole shooting your shot and approaching men but I stopped quickly because there was no way in hell that they could keep up with me and they already knew that even if they were interested. Truthfully, I am not sure exactly what I am asking. Perhaps I’m looking for some guidance. I want to be dined and wooed. How can I tightrope being content with taking my time and not worrying about men, romance, etc while also acknowledging the absence of it in your life and wanting it all? One last question, do you have any advice on “putting myself out there” if needed? I have not a single idea on how to address all of the above.
Part of me loves this, I like that you don’t have any concerns about how you carry yourself. I think more women should be confident like this also. It’s refreshing.
However, I want to be clear with you that sometimes overconfidence can be perceived as a different way to people. And is why some guys find it difficult to approach you. Ever heard anyone refer to you as stuck up? Not saying you are but for a a lot of men, they find women who express how high their standards are all the time, are simply not worth dealing with. It’s like a loss cause from the get-go. Girl’s like this usually indicate some level of high maintenance or closed off socially, and it really makes it hard for people to approach them. I’ve had friends who used to do this, and I said the same thing, tone it down, we have heard you, focus on being more friendly. No one wants to come across stuck up trust me.
Being high maintenance should be an unspoken vibe from you. A man should know it before he is even dealing with you. But when you are like this, it can also come across like breaking you down requires too much work. When they are other girls, willing to have fun. What girls don’t realise is being fun + charming + high maintenance = makes you more approachable.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi! I’m honestly struggling with a ton of emotions right now and feeling hopeless. My ex who I believe is my soulmate got forcefully married to a girl back home because of his mom. He tried marrying me but failed to convince his mom (she threatened to disown him and fell ill) This happened with another of his exes and his mom denied him that time as well. I’m trying to cope with the loss but I don’t think I’ll ever someone who understands me like that and accepts all my flaws. In hopes of changing my mindset and starting anew I actually recently tried muzmatch and salaam to see what’s out there and I see no hope with any guy. They’re all lacking one thing or another that my ex didn’t. However, I recently did meet ONE guy who was great but we realized it wouldn’t work out between our families due to cultural differences so we stopped talking. Out of the hundreds of guys on the app, only one was great to me and that gives me no hope. At this point, I feel like I’m going to remain unmarried and alone because no one will meet my standards except for my ex. And I know he’s married but I miss him a lot and find myself pondering if Allah will bring him back to me in some way. I am battling with recurring thoughts of him with his wife and it drives me into depression every time. What do I do? Am I wrong for wanting him back even though he is married already? Do I hold out hope that Allah will bring him back to me? That my time will come? Only one person stood in the way of it and that was his mom. Everyone else was okay with it. I keep thinking if she wasn’t present, I would be with him now and I know that’s a terrible thought to have but I can’t help myself. I keep thinking something like this will happen and he will come back into my life.
How sure are you that it was forced? I ask this only because I have heard so many stories through mutual friends: someone they’re seeing gets married to someone abroad and they are under the impression it was forced. But months later they come to find out that it wasn’t actually forced, and in fact, there’s even a baby on the way. So everyone was happy, you just didn’t know.
You are putting far too much energy into this man that is no longer yours. And you’re allowing it to steal too much of your happiness. Listen to yourself. Why are you stopping yourself from moving on when he himself has moved on in the highest form? He literally got married. Feel better that you dodged a huge bullet. Even if he did get forcibly married by his parents, imagine having them as IN LAWS? A mother in law that can do that to her son at his big age says a lot. Say Alhamdulilah you were saved from that. I know its hard right now I know, but this might be a blessing in disguise.
I get it, I get how sometimes you might find yourself wondering what would have happened if you just had a chance, or if you two had met in a different time in your lives, under different circumstances. I get it. But constantly thinking about the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens is going to drive you crazy. And its just going to make your life be at a stand still. Have the assumption that your ex has moved on, stop thinking he needs to be saved. That will help you to move on. You thinking if his mum wasn’t present would have made it work is pointless. Because his mum isn’t going anywhere. If anyone is going anywhere, it’s you. That’s why its very hard to be with men like this, because they let their overly controlling Mother’s interfere and dictate their lives. How at your big age are you being forced into marriage in another country? She sounds like Hitler I’ll be real.
You could have the most amazing mother in law, who is gonna do nothing but support your relationship. And have a husband who puts you first and would never, ever marry someone else. You are young and you don’t need him, I promise you that. Go back on muzmatch, try again. And be more open this time. You got this!
Anon
3 years ago
Hi sis hope you’re well,
Soo a quick back story is I got married two years ago and I have a babygirl who’s just under one. So I just found out a few days ago that I have covid and not going to lie, I was fine at first but since yesterday I’ve been feeling soo ill. So my husband has been quite helpful with looking after the little one and today he had her for most of the day, but I feel like my symptoms have got so much more worse today. So he told me that he’s going to go hang with the boys and at first it didn’t really bother me but I really thought surely he won’t go out whilst I’m sick in bed and looking after a little one? I mean I don’t want to sound ungrateful but my husband did help me out before he left the house, but now I’m all home alone with a baby who obviously needs my attention and care. Am I wrong for feeling like he don’t care about me? I just thought he’d put his wife as his priority and see how sick I was feeling and he’d stay at home to care for me. I don’t know if I’m in my feelings or just making excuses for him cause part of me feels like he just wanted a break.
I am sorry to hear that you’re ill. May Allah grant you a speedy recovery. As a mother, I understand how difficult it can be to take care of a baby as well as yourself especially when you’re unwell. So take it easy sis and don’t be hard on yourself.
In terms of your husband, he sounds like he is trying really hard and has been helping around the house and with baby girl. He helped before he went out which shows that he is being considerate of your feelings and cares for you a lot. Obviously, it would be nice that he was there for you 24/7 and maybe it would be worth asking him to stay instead of saying you’re okay with it at first. I am sure if you said to him you really cannot cope with taking care of the baby he would have stayed. Remember in a relationship it’s all about communicating because people are not mind readers, talk to him and express how him going out made you feel. I’m sure he did not mean it to hurt you.
Right now you’re sick and quite emotional which is understandable. Your baby probably requires a lot of attention but don’t be hard on yourself. As long as your baby is fed and changed don’t feel like you have to be a superwoman. Whatever else needs to get done leave it for your husband to do when he comes home. Focus on getting better yourself and cuddle your baby girl.
Voice what you want. Men are dumb, so they can’t read your mind. You need to tell him exactly what you want from him and why you want it.
“Babe, I am not feeling too good, I just can’t look after the baby right now. I need your help.”
“Either look after the baby or drop him/her off to your mother’s house.”
Be very clear and concise.
Trust me you are not ungrateful. Right now you are unwell, and just want more help. Don’t sit around resenting him and expecting him to do something, when you haven’t voiced it yet. Be demanding if you have to. Of course he cares about you, but sometimes men are just slow. They don’t realise you need more help, and they have a bad habit of expecting that you got this. No baby I don’t!
And make sure you’re very firm about the help you need, and set those standards. Otherwise, he’ll continue to expect you to cover yourself when instead, it should be him doing the work.
Anon
3 years ago
So I’ve been with my mcm for almost two years know and he’s not Muslim or Somali but unfortunately at the time I didn’t really mind if he was Muslim as I was at a low point in my deen , fast forward now we are in a really serious relationship and because I’ve allowed us to have pre martial sex and being in a haram relationship I’ve set that standard and I don’t think I can stop that part of our relationship because that’s what he also wants but because I’m much more serious about my relationship with Allah and wanting to be a better Muslim how do I approach this as he wants us to get married and we both love each other lots but I know deep down he can never meet my parents or get married however he is saying is interested in Islam and not because of me but I still doubt it’s not because of me as he knows it would be a dealbreaker for my family and islamically I wouldnt be able to marry him , I feel bad because I did put myself in this situation and I feel sick even thinking about having this conversation with him because it’s not his fault at all and I do want to get married to him but he’s not Muslim and people say all the time when you build your relationship of haram it wouldn’t last but I’ve repented and I’m ready to change this , how should I tackle this
I can’t lie sis this is a very difficult situation. Clearly, the two of you love each other very much and a two-year relationship seems like a pretty serious one to move past at this point. But it is very important that you start to think about what the future holds for the two of you.
You’re right, Islamically you cannot marry a non-Muslim man. So where do we go from here? Well, as he has spoken about converting to Islam don’t allow him to do it because of his love for you. He needs to go on that journey alone to Allah. You cannot be the reason that he finds the religion. If he is serious about becoming a Muslim then direct him to the nearest mosque to meet brothers and learn about the religion on his own. When he is doing this, I think it is best that you stop any haram relationships with one another. Take the time apart and work on yourselves alone. Pray Salat al-Istikhaara, which translates to Prayer of Seeking Counsel. This will help you is seek guidance from God Almighty when facing a decision like this.
The next steps for you here are to sit down with him and have an honest conversation about this matter. You cannot continue to date him and have this haram relationship with him, no good would come from that. You will have to make the tough decision of breaking up with him to better yourself and work on your relationship with Allah. If he is serious about becoming a Muslim allow him to go on that journey alone. If after a lot of prayer and dua Allah brings you two back together then it will be a much more blessed relationship. Ultimately, you have to make these tough choices and I hope that you can.
I read this and the first thing I thought to myself was:
Damn.
This is the problem when people start dibbling and dabbling in interfaith relationships, even if its not serious at the beginning. There is a risk that the relationship will become serious, despite knowing that you’re parents are not going to be supportive of it. You were playing with fire and you knew it.
The reality of it is this relationship is causing you to commit zina. You guys need to act fast. He seriously needs to revert if he sees a future with you. That should be the first thing you guys should be focusing on. Realistically you are probably not going to leave this man, so at the very least, if you respect your family, and the deen, stress the importance of him reverting. Otherwise you will have to decide between him and your parents. And I would never advise you choosing a man over your family. Because if anything were to happen between the both of you, who will you have? And as a woman, you need your family behind you.
I understand this is a very uncomfortable situation for you, but you need to do something. Otherwise, with the way its heading, either your parents are going to find out, or you may even end up pregnant. He needs to revert and you need to get married. ASAP.
I am actually praying it works out for you. There’s no point being reactive now, you need to be accountable and proactive. You freaking got this.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girl, I hope you’re doing well. I’m in my early 20s and I really want to get out there and get to know people. I’ve been out the game for a hot minute but the thought of another talking phase makes me sick. I’m scared of getting hurt and don’t want to open up to anyone again because of past experiences. I also don’t want to get into a haram relationship again. I want to go about things in the right way and make this clear from the get go. How would you advice to go about this x
When it comes to finding the right man for marriage, it honestly takes time and there is no rush in finding the right man for yourself. Sometimes the best things come when you are least expecting it. You don’t need to put that pressure on yourself to find the right man or have to put yourself out there if you’re scared of getting hurt again. You’re in your early 20s, what’s the rush now? Focus on yourself. Focus on the things that you need to achieve in life. And when the time is right Allah will send someone worthy for you. And when you meet that person express to them that you want go about thing in the most Islamic way possible. But honestly for now sis, take it easy and don’t rush anything.
If the main thing you want to do is avoid haram relationships, there is no shame of asking your parents, or family friends, to suggest potential suitors for you. It also means you have options that are more serious and aren’t here to waste your time. It’s requires more commitment though, but that does work for some people. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and also be mindful that you’re not putting too much pressure on any potential suitors. You could come off too strong and scare them off.
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Anon
3 years ago
Hi love,
so I’m currently in my early 20s and in my earlier years was in a pretty emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I got out of that a few years ago but I now have this irrational fear that I won’t ever trust anyone. The abuse was pretty bad and left a lot of emotional scars that I don’t see fading. I’ve spoken to a few guys after a while but I can’t shake that fear of not allowing someone deep enough. I’ve decided to focus on myself and my studies for now but, I feel like I won’t be able to let anyone in due to the trauma. FYI, I have done therapy and made personal growth however, I feel as though those scars will never heal and it’s been a few years now.
I’d like to start off by saying that you sound so brave and strong for overcoming such abusive relationship at such a young age. It is not always easy to move past such traumatic experiences and it can take a lot of time to move on. Without an effective healing process you will find it hard to move on. You need to believe in yourself and have the confidence to live an independent life. And that comes with allowing yourself to feel loved and be loved. You can use your past trauma as a way of defending yourself so that you’re better equipped to spot the early warning signs in any future relationships. If you go into something with negative thoughts then you’ll eventually self-sabotage any potential relationship you may have. At this moment in time you’re right to focus on yourself and your studies there is no rush to find a new relationship. Turn to your deen in a time like this a lot of dua and prayer will help ease your pain and help you heal from the traumas that you have experienced. Remember to be kind to yourself, know you self-worth and never settle for less. You deserve a loving, safe and respectful relationship and you will have that one day Insha’Allah.
Being cautious is not a bad thing. Frankly, a lot of people aren’t worthy of trust and it seems wise to acknowledge this. You have been through a lot, and it only makes sense that your concerns are going to follow you. But don’t let it stop you.
If the prospect of dating is scary for you, make boundaries for new partners. For example, make it clear that you’re against certain things i.e: sex before marriage. I think the standard advice for vetting new partners is how they respond to your boundaries. What are their attitudes like when you express these things? There you can find out quickly if they are for you, and more importantly, if they make you feel safe. That’s the most important thing, is dating whilst you feel safe.
Be very real with yourself, and ask: am I self sabotaging? You are talking to your hopelessness into existence. when you find your thoughts starting down a rabbit hole, stop and focus on the positive. Yes I will find somebody, and No my trauma is not going to stop me from doing this. Do not let your own fears stop you from finding a great thing, because when you do, it will be the best thing in the entire world. And it will be yours.
Theres no time limit on healing, sometimes it takes longer for everyone. But be mindful that you may or may not be stopping yourself from moving on. And don’t let that prick stop you from finding true happiness.
Anon
3 years ago
hey just want to say i love your advice and would like your opinion on my situationship. The backstory is i met this guy about a month ago and we started speaking as friends and recently he was a bit flirty towards me which i wasn’t against because i did like him but i just never told him. I then recently found out that he was speaking to girls from his university and one girl in particular who’s part of his friendship group came to me and told me he’s been flirty towards her as well. I obviously felt some type of way about it but can’t really do anything because initially we’re just ‘friends’ and she said she can’t do anything too because she’s also just ‘friends’. I haven’t spoken to him since then but i really want revenge as bad as it sounds so what do you think i should do ?
As much as you are angry at him, he is still very much a single man. You don’t owe him anything, and he doesn’t owe you anything. Also you guys are just flirting. You never told him you liked him. How do you expect him to not talk to other people, when he doesn’t even know you like him?
Also, the problem is with situationships is that a person feels entitled over someone that’s not theirs and all it does is confuse and hurt you even more. Remind yourself constantly of what it is. Right now you are basically friends who just flirt. That’s it.
You might wanna note that this guy is too messy. He is flirting all over the gaff, and now other women who you know, want him too. Let him go sis. It’s more trouble than its worth.
This is an awkward situation because neither of you have confessed any sort of romantic feelings to one another. What you need to understand is that as situationship is a relationship that has no label on it.. like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship. In your case here, you sound like friends that could potentially be more since he is flirting with you. However, as there is no clear label to what this is and you have no told him how you feel then I’m sorry to say but you really can’t be mad that he’s flirting with other girls. If he is flirting with other girls, it seems as though he’s keeping his options open and right now he does not have to be loyal to you. I understand that hearing that he’s flirting with other girls can be annoying and you feel like you need revenge but that’s not a mature way to go about this situation. He does not owe you anything so having revenge on him will somewhat make you look like a fool. I am not saying dismiss the situation but approach him and ask why he’s flirting with other girls and make it clear that you have feelings for him. If this leads to more than just a friendship then kindly ask him to stop flirting with other girls. Another way you can go about this is to also keep your options open, continue talking to other guys and don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Remember you’ve only spoken to him for about a month so you don’t have to settle for him at all.
I’m about to turn 25 and I’m considering looking for a husband. I’ve been raised by religious parents and I’m very shy so I never really got to do the whole talking to men thing. I’ve had men inquiring about me and even asking me directly if they can get to know me better but it’s always older men (30s and 1 was even in his late 50s) so I’ve never really agreed to anything with anyone before and now I find myself feeling clueless on how to start the process. Where do people find partners especially when they’re not on social media? Should I agree to speak with men that I have no intentions of marrying to gain experience or is that a waste of time?
Watch a lot of dating shows, observe how people act with each other when they are on a date, how they flirt and engage with each other. If you have never spoken to a guy before, you need to watch and learn, just so you have an idea of how to conduct yourself. Oh my god in fact, watch the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. Honestly, watch so many episodes, just so you can pick on social cues and see what makes a person charming. You may learn a thing or two.
When you got the theory down, its time for the practical: the dating process. Go on muzmatch, ask your friends to set you up on blind dates, just get yourself out there. Yes going on a date merely for experience is also a thing. So when the real deal comes, you don’t crumble and embarrass yourself.
Am going to add a more softening story here for vibes. My first love or I let me call it requited love taught me to love. Before that I was super hardened. Never cried in front of people always mature and sensible friend and so on. I was just always on perfection I guess. Too scared to mess up and all. I was also a big overthinker. Anyways he could always tell and would calm me down before I even react, he’d reassure me about things, super sweet in every way in everything. He’d listen to me ramble, give money easily, the world became less scary and easier to navigate. At time I felt like a burden but he’d tell me he’s cool with it. Like nothing bad I did rattled him he’d always be the bigger person. I was never a lover type of girl either so the idea of calling someone babe or anything sweet made me sick lol big cringe. With him I was a cornball. It was only when it ended that I realised how much he’d changed me. I guess we may not be meant to be but if he’s ever in super need of help which I doubt because he’s on job I’d help 50 yrs down the line. I left as someone whod hugged people and compliment all the time 😭ikr basic emotion but I couldn’t do it before, call people sweet words, always understanding and reaching out Alhamdulilaah. I always had it inside me he brought it out so yeh he taught me how to love 😭
That’s what I love so much about love. Look at the self development. Look at how much it changes people. I hope you guys are brought back together, I love little stories light this.
How do you go about telling your parents about your future spouse , I’ve been with him for a while and I think I’m ready for our families to meet and hopefully get married but I don’t have any older siblings or family members I can tell so they can tel my parent as I’m soooo nervous to tell them I’ve never had any of these types of conversation with them but I think it’s definitely the right time
Awww OMG okay firstly, congratulations! This is the really exciting part. Start by going to an aunt, or a cool uncle. I went to both my cool aunt and uncles, and they laughed at me, before proceeding to ask me “are you being serious?”. Yes I am.
Then give your partner your dads number, and tell your partner to ask his dad to speak to yours. That’s how it went for me. Then let them arrange a day for the dads to meet up, maybe at a restaurant. And in the meanwhile, you speak to your mum.
It’s a daunting process but don’t worry, all the class of 2021 married people had to do it, you can definitely do it too. Good luck! Update us too btw.
Hello! Thanks for being a big sis and being present for the community in a wise and kind way. Slightly terrified to ask a question but here we go. I don’t go out of my way to find men or start anything up with them. In fact, most are uninteresting as hell. I have no concerns about my image, intellect, or personality which I wanted to preface as context. I know that those are not the problem. With that said, it might be that they find me intimidating which is a comment I get often. I don’t mind people feeling that way about me because that is indicative of themselves and them calculating in what ways they could interact with me in. I do think that is crystal clear that I do not tolerate no disrespect (on anyone’s behalf) nor bullshit. I have no plans on making myself smaller and I believe that how I am perceived has protected me from men with sinister intentions. With that said, despite having self-actualized and firm in my self-love, it’s not that I am upset with being single but more so feeling the blues of having zero romance in my life. I’ve tried the whole shooting your shot and approaching men but I stopped quickly because there was no way in hell that they could keep up with me and they already knew that even if they were interested. Truthfully, I am not sure exactly what I am asking. Perhaps I’m looking for some guidance. I want to be dined and wooed. How can I tightrope being content with taking my time and not worrying about men, romance, etc while also acknowledging the absence of it in your life and wanting it all? One last question, do you have any advice on “putting myself out there” if needed? I have not a single idea on how to address all of the above.
Part of me loves this, I like that you don’t have any concerns about how you carry yourself. I think more women should be confident like this also. It’s refreshing.
However, I want to be clear with you that sometimes overconfidence can be perceived as a different way to people. And is why some guys find it difficult to approach you. Ever heard anyone refer to you as stuck up? Not saying you are but for a a lot of men, they find women who express how high their standards are all the time, are simply not worth dealing with. It’s like a loss cause from the get-go. Girl’s like this usually indicate some level of high maintenance or closed off socially, and it really makes it hard for people to approach them. I’ve had friends who used to do this, and I said the same thing, tone it down, we have heard you, focus on being more friendly. No one wants to come across stuck up trust me.
Being high maintenance should be an unspoken vibe from you. A man should know it before he is even dealing with you. But when you are like this, it can also come across like breaking you down requires too much work. When they are other girls, willing to have fun. What girls don’t realise is being fun + charming + high maintenance = makes you more approachable.
Hi! I’m honestly struggling with a ton of emotions right now and feeling hopeless. My ex who I believe is my soulmate got forcefully married to a girl back home because of his mom. He tried marrying me but failed to convince his mom (she threatened to disown him and fell ill) This happened with another of his exes and his mom denied him that time as well. I’m trying to cope with the loss but I don’t think I’ll ever someone who understands me like that and accepts all my flaws. In hopes of changing my mindset and starting anew I actually recently tried muzmatch and salaam to see what’s out there and I see no hope with any guy. They’re all lacking one thing or another that my ex didn’t. However, I recently did meet ONE guy who was great but we realized it wouldn’t work out between our families due to cultural differences so we stopped talking. Out of the hundreds of guys on the app, only one was great to me and that gives me no hope. At this point, I feel like I’m going to remain unmarried and alone because no one will meet my standards except for my ex. And I know he’s married but I miss him a lot and find myself pondering if Allah will bring him back to me in some way. I am battling with recurring thoughts of him with his wife and it drives me into depression every time. What do I do? Am I wrong for wanting him back even though he is married already? Do I hold out hope that Allah will bring him back to me? That my time will come? Only one person stood in the way of it and that was his mom. Everyone else was okay with it. I keep thinking if she wasn’t present, I would be with him now and I know that’s a terrible thought to have but I can’t help myself. I keep thinking something like this will happen and he will come back into my life.
Your ex got married.
How sure are you that it was forced? I ask this only because I have heard so many stories through mutual friends: someone they’re seeing gets married to someone abroad and they are under the impression it was forced. But months later they come to find out that it wasn’t actually forced, and in fact, there’s even a baby on the way. So everyone was happy, you just didn’t know.
You are putting far too much energy into this man that is no longer yours. And you’re allowing it to steal too much of your happiness. Listen to yourself. Why are you stopping yourself from moving on when he himself has moved on in the highest form? He literally got married. Feel better that you dodged a huge bullet. Even if he did get forcibly married by his parents, imagine having them as IN LAWS? A mother in law that can do that to her son at his big age says a lot. Say Alhamdulilah you were saved from that. I know its hard right now I know, but this might be a blessing in disguise.
I get it, I get how sometimes you might find yourself wondering what would have happened if you just had a chance, or if you two had met in a different time in your lives, under different circumstances. I get it. But constantly thinking about the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens is going to drive you crazy. And its just going to make your life be at a stand still. Have the assumption that your ex has moved on, stop thinking he needs to be saved. That will help you to move on. You thinking if his mum wasn’t present would have made it work is pointless. Because his mum isn’t going anywhere. If anyone is going anywhere, it’s you. That’s why its very hard to be with men like this, because they let their overly controlling Mother’s interfere and dictate their lives. How at your big age are you being forced into marriage in another country? She sounds like Hitler I’ll be real.
You could have the most amazing mother in law, who is gonna do nothing but support your relationship. And have a husband who puts you first and would never, ever marry someone else. You are young and you don’t need him, I promise you that. Go back on muzmatch, try again. And be more open this time. You got this!
Hi sis hope you’re well,
Soo a quick back story is I got married two years ago and I have a babygirl who’s just under one. So I just found out a few days ago that I have covid and not going to lie, I was fine at first but since yesterday I’ve been feeling soo ill. So my husband has been quite helpful with looking after the little one and today he had her for most of the day, but I feel like my symptoms have got so much more worse today. So he told me that he’s going to go hang with the boys and at first it didn’t really bother me but I really thought surely he won’t go out whilst I’m sick in bed and looking after a little one? I mean I don’t want to sound ungrateful but my husband did help me out before he left the house, but now I’m all home alone with a baby who obviously needs my attention and care. Am I wrong for feeling like he don’t care about me? I just thought he’d put his wife as his priority and see how sick I was feeling and he’d stay at home to care for me. I don’t know if I’m in my feelings or just making excuses for him cause part of me feels like he just wanted a break.
I am sorry to hear that you’re ill. May Allah grant you a speedy recovery. As a mother, I understand how difficult it can be to take care of a baby as well as yourself especially when you’re unwell. So take it easy sis and don’t be hard on yourself.
In terms of your husband, he sounds like he is trying really hard and has been helping around the house and with baby girl. He helped before he went out which shows that he is being considerate of your feelings and cares for you a lot. Obviously, it would be nice that he was there for you 24/7 and maybe it would be worth asking him to stay instead of saying you’re okay with it at first. I am sure if you said to him you really cannot cope with taking care of the baby he would have stayed. Remember in a relationship it’s all about communicating because people are not mind readers, talk to him and express how him going out made you feel. I’m sure he did not mean it to hurt you.
Right now you’re sick and quite emotional which is understandable. Your baby probably requires a lot of attention but don’t be hard on yourself. As long as your baby is fed and changed don’t feel like you have to be a superwoman. Whatever else needs to get done leave it for your husband to do when he comes home. Focus on getting better yourself and cuddle your baby girl.
Voice what you want. Men are dumb, so they can’t read your mind. You need to tell him exactly what you want from him and why you want it.
“Babe, I am not feeling too good, I just can’t look after the baby right now. I need your help.”
“Either look after the baby or drop him/her off to your mother’s house.”
Be very clear and concise.
Trust me you are not ungrateful. Right now you are unwell, and just want more help. Don’t sit around resenting him and expecting him to do something, when you haven’t voiced it yet. Be demanding if you have to. Of course he cares about you, but sometimes men are just slow. They don’t realise you need more help, and they have a bad habit of expecting that you got this. No baby I don’t!
And make sure you’re very firm about the help you need, and set those standards. Otherwise, he’ll continue to expect you to cover yourself when instead, it should be him doing the work.
So I’ve been with my mcm for almost two years know and he’s not Muslim or Somali but unfortunately at the time I didn’t really mind if he was Muslim as I was at a low point in my deen , fast forward now we are in a really serious relationship and because I’ve allowed us to have pre martial sex and being in a haram relationship I’ve set that standard and I don’t think I can stop that part of our relationship because that’s what he also wants but because I’m much more serious about my relationship with Allah and wanting to be a better Muslim how do I approach this as he wants us to get married and we both love each other lots but I know deep down he can never meet my parents or get married however he is saying is interested in Islam and not because of me but I still doubt it’s not because of me as he knows it would be a dealbreaker for my family and islamically I wouldnt be able to marry him , I feel bad because I did put myself in this situation and I feel sick even thinking about having this conversation with him because it’s not his fault at all and I do want to get married to him but he’s not Muslim and people say all the time when you build your relationship of haram it wouldn’t last but I’ve repented and I’m ready to change this , how should I tackle this
I can’t lie sis this is a very difficult situation. Clearly, the two of you love each other very much and a two-year relationship seems like a pretty serious one to move past at this point. But it is very important that you start to think about what the future holds for the two of you.
You’re right, Islamically you cannot marry a non-Muslim man. So where do we go from here? Well, as he has spoken about converting to Islam don’t allow him to do it because of his love for you. He needs to go on that journey alone to Allah. You cannot be the reason that he finds the religion. If he is serious about becoming a Muslim then direct him to the nearest mosque to meet brothers and learn about the religion on his own. When he is doing this, I think it is best that you stop any haram relationships with one another. Take the time apart and work on yourselves alone. Pray Salat al-Istikhaara, which translates to Prayer of Seeking Counsel. This will help you is seek guidance from God Almighty when facing a decision like this.
The next steps for you here are to sit down with him and have an honest conversation about this matter. You cannot continue to date him and have this haram relationship with him, no good would come from that. You will have to make the tough decision of breaking up with him to better yourself and work on your relationship with Allah. If he is serious about becoming a Muslim allow him to go on that journey alone. If after a lot of prayer and dua Allah brings you two back together then it will be a much more blessed relationship. Ultimately, you have to make these tough choices and I hope that you can.
I read this and the first thing I thought to myself was:
Damn.
This is the problem when people start dibbling and dabbling in interfaith relationships, even if its not serious at the beginning. There is a risk that the relationship will become serious, despite knowing that you’re parents are not going to be supportive of it. You were playing with fire and you knew it.
The reality of it is this relationship is causing you to commit zina. You guys need to act fast. He seriously needs to revert if he sees a future with you. That should be the first thing you guys should be focusing on. Realistically you are probably not going to leave this man, so at the very least, if you respect your family, and the deen, stress the importance of him reverting. Otherwise you will have to decide between him and your parents. And I would never advise you choosing a man over your family. Because if anything were to happen between the both of you, who will you have? And as a woman, you need your family behind you.
I understand this is a very uncomfortable situation for you, but you need to do something. Otherwise, with the way its heading, either your parents are going to find out, or you may even end up pregnant. He needs to revert and you need to get married. ASAP.
I am actually praying it works out for you. There’s no point being reactive now, you need to be accountable and proactive. You freaking got this.
Hey girl, I hope you’re doing well. I’m in my early 20s and I really want to get out there and get to know people. I’ve been out the game for a hot minute but the thought of another talking phase makes me sick. I’m scared of getting hurt and don’t want to open up to anyone again because of past experiences. I also don’t want to get into a haram relationship again. I want to go about things in the right way and make this clear from the get go. How would you advice to go about this x
When it comes to finding the right man for marriage, it honestly takes time and there is no rush in finding the right man for yourself. Sometimes the best things come when you are least expecting it. You don’t need to put that pressure on yourself to find the right man or have to put yourself out there if you’re scared of getting hurt again. You’re in your early 20s, what’s the rush now? Focus on yourself. Focus on the things that you need to achieve in life. And when the time is right Allah will send someone worthy for you. And when you meet that person express to them that you want go about thing in the most Islamic way possible. But honestly for now sis, take it easy and don’t rush anything.
If the main thing you want to do is avoid haram relationships, there is no shame of asking your parents, or family friends, to suggest potential suitors for you. It also means you have options that are more serious and aren’t here to waste your time. It’s requires more commitment though, but that does work for some people. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and also be mindful that you’re not putting too much pressure on any potential suitors. You could come off too strong and scare them off.
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Hi love,
so I’m currently in my early 20s and in my earlier years was in a pretty emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I got out of that a few years ago but I now have this irrational fear that I won’t ever trust anyone. The abuse was pretty bad and left a lot of emotional scars that I don’t see fading. I’ve spoken to a few guys after a while but I can’t shake that fear of not allowing someone deep enough. I’ve decided to focus on myself and my studies for now but, I feel like I won’t be able to let anyone in due to the trauma. FYI, I have done therapy and made personal growth however, I feel as though those scars will never heal and it’s been a few years now.
I’d like to start off by saying that you sound so brave and strong for overcoming such abusive relationship at such a young age. It is not always easy to move past such traumatic experiences and it can take a lot of time to move on. Without an effective healing process you will find it hard to move on. You need to believe in yourself and have the confidence to live an independent life. And that comes with allowing yourself to feel loved and be loved. You can use your past trauma as a way of defending yourself so that you’re better equipped to spot the early warning signs in any future relationships. If you go into something with negative thoughts then you’ll eventually self-sabotage any potential relationship you may have. At this moment in time you’re right to focus on yourself and your studies there is no rush to find a new relationship. Turn to your deen in a time like this a lot of dua and prayer will help ease your pain and help you heal from the traumas that you have experienced. Remember to be kind to yourself, know you self-worth and never settle for less. You deserve a loving, safe and respectful relationship and you will have that one day Insha’Allah.
Being cautious is not a bad thing. Frankly, a lot of people aren’t worthy of trust and it seems wise to acknowledge this. You have been through a lot, and it only makes sense that your concerns are going to follow you. But don’t let it stop you.
If the prospect of dating is scary for you, make boundaries for new partners. For example, make it clear that you’re against certain things i.e: sex before marriage. I think the standard advice for vetting new partners is how they respond to your boundaries. What are their attitudes like when you express these things? There you can find out quickly if they are for you, and more importantly, if they make you feel safe. That’s the most important thing, is dating whilst you feel safe.
Be very real with yourself, and ask: am I self sabotaging? You are talking to your hopelessness into existence. when you find your thoughts starting down a rabbit hole, stop and focus on the positive. Yes I will find somebody, and No my trauma is not going to stop me from doing this. Do not let your own fears stop you from finding a great thing, because when you do, it will be the best thing in the entire world. And it will be yours.
Theres no time limit on healing, sometimes it takes longer for everyone. But be mindful that you may or may not be stopping yourself from moving on. And don’t let that prick stop you from finding true happiness.
hey just want to say i love your advice and would like your opinion on my situationship. The backstory is i met this guy about a month ago and we started speaking as friends and recently he was a bit flirty towards me which i wasn’t against because i did like him but i just never told him. I then recently found out that he was speaking to girls from his university and one girl in particular who’s part of his friendship group came to me and told me he’s been flirty towards her as well. I obviously felt some type of way about it but can’t really do anything because initially we’re just ‘friends’ and she said she can’t do anything too because she’s also just ‘friends’. I haven’t spoken to him since then but i really want revenge as bad as it sounds so what do you think i should do ?
As much as you are angry at him, he is still very much a single man. You don’t owe him anything, and he doesn’t owe you anything. Also you guys are just flirting. You never told him you liked him. How do you expect him to not talk to other people, when he doesn’t even know you like him?
Also, the problem is with situationships is that a person feels entitled over someone that’s not theirs and all it does is confuse and hurt you even more. Remind yourself constantly of what it is. Right now you are basically friends who just flirt. That’s it.
You might wanna note that this guy is too messy. He is flirting all over the gaff, and now other women who you know, want him too. Let him go sis. It’s more trouble than its worth.
This is an awkward situation because neither of you have confessed any sort of romantic feelings to one another. What you need to understand is that as situationship is a relationship that has no label on it.. like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship. In your case here, you sound like friends that could potentially be more since he is flirting with you. However, as there is no clear label to what this is and you have no told him how you feel then I’m sorry to say but you really can’t be mad that he’s flirting with other girls. If he is flirting with other girls, it seems as though he’s keeping his options open and right now he does not have to be loyal to you. I understand that hearing that he’s flirting with other girls can be annoying and you feel like you need revenge but that’s not a mature way to go about this situation. He does not owe you anything so having revenge on him will somewhat make you look like a fool. I am not saying dismiss the situation but approach him and ask why he’s flirting with other girls and make it clear that you have feelings for him. If this leads to more than just a friendship then kindly ask him to stop flirting with other girls. Another way you can go about this is to also keep your options open, continue talking to other guys and don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Remember you’ve only spoken to him for about a month so you don’t have to settle for him at all.