I just told my man I don’t feel like he finds me attractive and he’s gone off
I only get compliments when I point out that I’ve dressed up (he can see it) and when I say something about my make up. So I basically try to get him to respond
He says it isn’t true and he says I’m beautiful often. But the one odd time he has sarcasm because I tell him I want to hear something nice..
He added in the argument that it is my insecurities and I’m putting it on him and ‘that’s a you problem’ so I ended the call.
At this point I don’t even want to come back to him
I don’t think that he’s failing to compliment you because he thinks you’re not attractive. Because one thing men will do is leave someone they no longer find attractive for someone else! However some people just never think about complimenting people, but that doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re beautiful.
One thing that’s helped in my relationship is that I ask for it when I’m craving some verbal validation.
“Tell me something you like about me.”
“How do I look?”
“Do you think I’m cute?”
I also compliment my partner a lot too. And usually that turns into a very mushy back and forth where we just keep saying nice things about each other.
Also, if you know you have your own insecurities, check yourself that you’re not projecting onto him. And asking more than what he is already doing. Obviously his reaction isn’t good, but sometimes when people are constantly offloading their insecurities onto you- it can get frustrating.
Just start communicating what you want. But also, set the tone yourself.
You want the relationship to be lovey dovey?? Make it that. Always be the one giving compliments, saying nice things, and he will follow your lead
Anon
3 years ago
A very close friend of mine is having an affair and she’s married. I’m scared to advise her because I know she’ll just push me away and pick her lover (whos also married) over me, but what theyre doing is wrong. Her marriage isn’t happy, but I know she’d never leave. What would you do?
I would face my front and I suggest you do the same.
Because she will cut you off and continue her affair. The messengers are always the one caught in the beef, not the actual people doing it
Anon
3 years ago
Asc ladiesss
I’ve been dating this guy for 3 months and he’s so sweet and he gets me really nice and expensive gifts. The thing is I’m starting to feel low-key that he wants me to show him more affection when he gives me these gifts. I am an affectionate person but I already told him no kissing. When he gives me the gifts he makes a pass at me but like in a sly way. How can I show him affection without kissing him if that’s even possible? I really don’t want to stop dating him
The best thing about being affectionate is through words. It’s not always about the physical parts, which a lot of people neglect. Men need words of affirmation too!
Shower him with compliments!! Whenever he gets you something, say how happy you are to have it and that it’s made your life so much easier with it. Always big them up.
Also maybe ask him to fix something small for you and then when he’s done, tell him how smart and clever he is, and it makes him so attractive to you. Men really love this one, its like its the best feeling ever for them
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis
I have a slight dilemma that I’ll try to keep short. I’ve been with my man for over a year and planning to get married InshaAllah
But one of the reoccurring arguments we have is me telling him to give me reassurance verbally and saying how he feels. He tells me he doesn’t want to say the ‘I love you’ because he wants to keep it traditional and share such feelings after nikkah. Ok cool, I said ok… but I’m gonna need something. He’ll do it randomly e.g. buy me gifts and write cards talking about stuff and how he feels so I have felt the action but I do love words of affirmation and I’ve said this from our first few dates. Plus he gets me random flowers and is thoughtful most of the time.
I don’t want to be held up on the word love but I need it to be honest but he will stick by his word. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve gained weight in the last 4-5 months (around 10kg and my mental health is awful) and I just don’t feel beautiful anymore. I would hope he would make me feel worthy but I hardly hear it and I’ve seen him follow more women on Instagram. Women who don’t have my body type and I’m upset. How can I even say I’ve stalked his following like that?
Sorry it’s long but there’s two parts.
Technically, what he is saying is fair. Because maybe he doesn’t want to indulge it too much haram. Traditionally speaking, a lot of the development in a relationship will have post nikkah – so I can see why he wants to save that until then. And that is fair FOR HIM though.
Now with regards to you, it absolutely makes sense why you would want to hear I love you. Especially when you’ve been together for a year and a half & are looking to get married. That’s why I’m more inclined to think, if he does want a future with you – he should focus on giving you the reassurance you need. But this can also come in many forms like you said.
For one, he wants to MARRY you. He’s spoiling you, he’s communicating how he feels and through his actions, you know he has sincere intentions with you. Look at his actions, you know he loves you through that right?
There’s nothing wrong with craving some reassurance from your partner every now and then, but if you constantly need them to validate you, that’s a sign that your insecurities are getting the better of you — and if they grow tired of reassuring you, that can cause you to become even more insecure. You already know your self esteem is brought right now, we’ve all been there, but recognise when you are leaning too heavily on him and not doing enough for yourself.
When you address those insecurities, you’ll be more content in your relationship. Right now the problem really isn’t your man, it’s how you feel about yourself and THAT is what’s manifesting in your relationship. So address that problem first.
Focus on losing the extra weight, because you’ll never be 100% happy otherwise. People don’t deep how much extra weight can affect your self esteem and the solution to just “accept what you look like” is never a real fix. Because you’re still unhappy deep down. And the weight will make you look for faults in everything around you. So the only way to stop this, is to get rid of it.
Anon
3 years ago
Guilt
My mother suffers from mental illness (she can still function her day to day life but she’s completely isolated herself from everyone and is extremely paranoid and depressed). I try to help where I can and I’m the eldest daughter with a few younger siblings . There’s this guy who wants to marry me and I Want to marry him as well but I can’t get rid of the guilt of leaving my mum alone especially with everything she’s dealing with emotionally. My younger siblings are useless and dads not in the picture so in reality it’s me that only helps her and keeps her company . But the guilt of ever leaving this house and leaving her alone would eat my alive and I just don’t know how I’ll ever do it. I feel so bad that I might even break things off with this guy because I don’t want to drag him along because I’m not ready to get married due to external factors. What do I do? Just feeling really lost.
I’m so sorry to hear that sis, may Allah swt grant your Mother shifa.
As for someone who is seen as the most responsible, I recognise now that I was an enabler. I didn’t give people an opportunity to take control because I was already doing the heavy lifting. Siblings/relatives get very comfy doing nothing when they realise they can rely on the same person to do all the hard work for them. The best thing you can do is step back TO FORCE THEM to pick up the slack. And this only happens when you get married, because now everyone actually sees you as your own person with your own family to take care of.
Don’t ever stop yourself from getting married and moving on. You should be able to find a Husband who understands your situation and be accommodating to it, inshaAllah. If you don’t, then you’re looking at the wrong man.
And when you do get married, you’re not going anywhere. Just because you live somewhere else doesn’t mean you can’t still look after your mum. You can facetime with her whenever you want to keep in touch and see how she’s coping. Some simple things you can walk her through.
Anon
3 years ago
I found this guy attractive when I was in my first year of uni when I started in 2018 and I saw this guy that I really found attractive fast forward 3/4 years later (now ) I wish I took the chance to found out more about him my friend even said she would of went up to him now I regret it so hard I’ve even done dua for him I have no idea what’s his name or any of his friends 😭🥲 I think he graduated in 2019 because after that I never saw him, he also seem’d like a good guy I would also see him in the library sometimes with his friends who would all be doing uni work . I think about him a lot
I have this friend, who has confessed his feelings to me. I’ve nicely turned him down because he chats bare. Anyway he randomly messages me saying he feels im his wife and shares that he dreamt of me/us with kids, being together etc. What do I tell him at this point? Because we’re decent friends but this is just awkward.
It feels like you’re talking to yourself. He is never giving you energy
He never compliments you on anything.
He never says anything positive regarding your appearance, actions, or style
Always cancelling on motives
Anon
3 years ago
Hi. I hope you’re well. So I am a 27 year old girl and my whole life I’ve been education and career orientated. I am currently close to securing a 7.5K a month role in the UK. However my issue is I want a family, I want kids but just not yet. . I don’t want my education and opportunities to go down the drain without me using it. My husband at the moment is pressuring me for kids but I have goals and projects that I want to get done and tbh I don’t want kids till at least 29. Also we are having problems and I’m starting to question whether we’re compatible or not. Would it be selfish to just continue focus on my goals despite what he wants. Sometimes I feel like walking away altogether but that won’t really fix things on a deeper level.
Mashallah for doing so well in your career honestly, big yourself up!
There will never be a perfect time for kids. They will never fit perfectly into things. I’ve heard this many times from young and older women, some without kids (passed their prime) and some with: if you wait till you’re ready, you’ll never be ready. There will always be something that trumps it – gotta have the job, now the house, oh but the car isn’t paid off, now the car is but I think we should test out having a pet first, and now there’s a family emergency, etc… Suddenly, there’s no time left. You just kept waiting and now you’re out of time. It’s very hard to find a perfect time to have a kid and most – a seriously high majority – never find that perfect situation.
That said: if you don’t want kids AT ALL that’s fine too. That means your relationship might be over, because there’s not really a compromise between ‘I want kids’ and ‘I don’t want kids’. Neither of you are wrong, but you aren’t right together, either. But at least there won’t be resentment and you can both pursue what you want out of life.
However, if you still want kids just not right now, then the best thing I can say is compromise. He wants right now, you don’t? Tell him you’ll be willing to start trying in six months and stick to it – make your word your bond. In six months, don’t look at your career or outside factors – look at him, your husband, and your promise to him. He trumps your career and outside factors, doesn’t he? He should.
Relationships are give and take. Relationships are compromise. If you can’t communicate, give, or compromise, this relationship will fail. If you want kids in the future and he wants them now, talk to your husband and talk over a compromise where you both are flexible to each other – because being stubborn and doing whatever YOU WANT is not good either and will only tear you guys further apart.
where are you guys 😭
😭assignments !! Assignments !!!
I just told my man I don’t feel like he finds me attractive and he’s gone off
I only get compliments when I point out that I’ve dressed up (he can see it) and when I say something about my make up. So I basically try to get him to respond
He says it isn’t true and he says I’m beautiful often. But the one odd time he has sarcasm because I tell him I want to hear something nice..
He added in the argument that it is my insecurities and I’m putting it on him and ‘that’s a you problem’ so I ended the call.
At this point I don’t even want to come back to him
I don’t think that he’s failing to compliment you because he thinks you’re not attractive. Because one thing men will do is leave someone they no longer find attractive for someone else! However some people just never think about complimenting people, but that doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re beautiful.
One thing that’s helped in my relationship is that I ask for it when I’m craving some verbal validation.
“Tell me something you like about me.”
“How do I look?”
“Do you think I’m cute?”
I also compliment my partner a lot too. And usually that turns into a very mushy back and forth where we just keep saying nice things about each other.
Also, if you know you have your own insecurities, check yourself that you’re not projecting onto him. And asking more than what he is already doing. Obviously his reaction isn’t good, but sometimes when people are constantly offloading their insecurities onto you- it can get frustrating.
Just start communicating what you want. But also, set the tone yourself.
You want the relationship to be lovey dovey?? Make it that. Always be the one giving compliments, saying nice things, and he will follow your lead
A very close friend of mine is having an affair and she’s married. I’m scared to advise her because I know she’ll just push me away and pick her lover (whos also married) over me, but what theyre doing is wrong. Her marriage isn’t happy, but I know she’d never leave. What would you do?
I would face my front and I suggest you do the same.
Because she will cut you off and continue her affair. The messengers are always the one caught in the beef, not the actual people doing it
Asc ladiesss
I’ve been dating this guy for 3 months and he’s so sweet and he gets me really nice and expensive gifts. The thing is I’m starting to feel low-key that he wants me to show him more affection when he gives me these gifts. I am an affectionate person but I already told him no kissing. When he gives me the gifts he makes a pass at me but like in a sly way. How can I show him affection without kissing him if that’s even possible? I really don’t want to stop dating him
The best thing about being affectionate is through words. It’s not always about the physical parts, which a lot of people neglect. Men need words of affirmation too!
Shower him with compliments!! Whenever he gets you something, say how happy you are to have it and that it’s made your life so much easier with it. Always big them up.
Also maybe ask him to fix something small for you and then when he’s done, tell him how smart and clever he is, and it makes him so attractive to you. Men really love this one, its like its the best feeling ever for them
Hey sis
I have a slight dilemma that I’ll try to keep short. I’ve been with my man for over a year and planning to get married InshaAllah
But one of the reoccurring arguments we have is me telling him to give me reassurance verbally and saying how he feels. He tells me he doesn’t want to say the ‘I love you’ because he wants to keep it traditional and share such feelings after nikkah. Ok cool, I said ok… but I’m gonna need something. He’ll do it randomly e.g. buy me gifts and write cards talking about stuff and how he feels so I have felt the action but I do love words of affirmation and I’ve said this from our first few dates. Plus he gets me random flowers and is thoughtful most of the time.
I don’t want to be held up on the word love but I need it to be honest but he will stick by his word. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve gained weight in the last 4-5 months (around 10kg and my mental health is awful) and I just don’t feel beautiful anymore. I would hope he would make me feel worthy but I hardly hear it and I’ve seen him follow more women on Instagram. Women who don’t have my body type and I’m upset. How can I even say I’ve stalked his following like that?
Sorry it’s long but there’s two parts.
Technically, what he is saying is fair. Because maybe he doesn’t want to indulge it too much haram. Traditionally speaking, a lot of the development in a relationship will have post nikkah – so I can see why he wants to save that until then. And that is fair FOR HIM though.
Now with regards to you, it absolutely makes sense why you would want to hear I love you. Especially when you’ve been together for a year and a half & are looking to get married. That’s why I’m more inclined to think, if he does want a future with you – he should focus on giving you the reassurance you need. But this can also come in many forms like you said.
For one, he wants to MARRY you. He’s spoiling you, he’s communicating how he feels and through his actions, you know he has sincere intentions with you. Look at his actions, you know he loves you through that right?
There’s nothing wrong with craving some reassurance from your partner every now and then, but if you constantly need them to validate you, that’s a sign that your insecurities are getting the better of you — and if they grow tired of reassuring you, that can cause you to become even more insecure. You already know your self esteem is brought right now, we’ve all been there, but recognise when you are leaning too heavily on him and not doing enough for yourself.
When you address those insecurities, you’ll be more content in your relationship. Right now the problem really isn’t your man, it’s how you feel about yourself and THAT is what’s manifesting in your relationship. So address that problem first.
Focus on losing the extra weight, because you’ll never be 100% happy otherwise. People don’t deep how much extra weight can affect your self esteem and the solution to just “accept what you look like” is never a real fix. Because you’re still unhappy deep down. And the weight will make you look for faults in everything around you. So the only way to stop this, is to get rid of it.
Guilt
My mother suffers from mental illness (she can still function her day to day life but she’s completely isolated herself from everyone and is extremely paranoid and depressed). I try to help where I can and I’m the eldest daughter with a few younger siblings . There’s this guy who wants to marry me and I Want to marry him as well but I can’t get rid of the guilt of leaving my mum alone especially with everything she’s dealing with emotionally. My younger siblings are useless and dads not in the picture so in reality it’s me that only helps her and keeps her company . But the guilt of ever leaving this house and leaving her alone would eat my alive and I just don’t know how I’ll ever do it. I feel so bad that I might even break things off with this guy because I don’t want to drag him along because I’m not ready to get married due to external factors. What do I do? Just feeling really lost.
I’m so sorry to hear that sis, may Allah swt grant your Mother shifa.
As for someone who is seen as the most responsible, I recognise now that I was an enabler. I didn’t give people an opportunity to take control because I was already doing the heavy lifting. Siblings/relatives get very comfy doing nothing when they realise they can rely on the same person to do all the hard work for them. The best thing you can do is step back TO FORCE THEM to pick up the slack. And this only happens when you get married, because now everyone actually sees you as your own person with your own family to take care of.
Don’t ever stop yourself from getting married and moving on. You should be able to find a Husband who understands your situation and be accommodating to it, inshaAllah. If you don’t, then you’re looking at the wrong man.
And when you do get married, you’re not going anywhere. Just because you live somewhere else doesn’t mean you can’t still look after your mum. You can facetime with her whenever you want to keep in touch and see how she’s coping. Some simple things you can walk her through.
I found this guy attractive when I was in my first year of uni when I started in 2018 and I saw this guy that I really found attractive fast forward 3/4 years later (now ) I wish I took the chance to found out more about him my friend even said she would of went up to him now I regret it so hard I’ve even done dua for him I have no idea what’s his name or any of his friends 😭🥲 I think he graduated in 2019 because after that I never saw him, he also seem’d like a good guy I would also see him in the library sometimes with his friends who would all be doing uni work . I think about him a lot
Girl it’s been nearly 3 years.
Let it go
I have this friend, who has confessed his feelings to me. I’ve nicely turned him down because he chats bare. Anyway he randomly messages me saying he feels im his wife and shares that he dreamt of me/us with kids, being together etc. What do I tell him at this point? Because we’re decent friends but this is just awkward.
End the friendship.
From the moment he told you he had feelings for you the friendship ended there. You guys can never be friends again
How do you notice a guy is not interested?
It takes him forever to text back.
He never invites you anywhere.
It feels like you’re talking to yourself. He is never giving you energy
He never compliments you on anything.
He never says anything positive regarding your appearance, actions, or style
Always cancelling on motives
Hi. I hope you’re well. So I am a 27 year old girl and my whole life I’ve been education and career orientated. I am currently close to securing a 7.5K a month role in the UK. However my issue is I want a family, I want kids but just not yet. . I don’t want my education and opportunities to go down the drain without me using it. My husband at the moment is pressuring me for kids but I have goals and projects that I want to get done and tbh I don’t want kids till at least 29. Also we are having problems and I’m starting to question whether we’re compatible or not. Would it be selfish to just continue focus on my goals despite what he wants. Sometimes I feel like walking away altogether but that won’t really fix things on a deeper level.
Mashallah for doing so well in your career honestly, big yourself up!
There will never be a perfect time for kids. They will never fit perfectly into things. I’ve heard this many times from young and older women, some without kids (passed their prime) and some with: if you wait till you’re ready, you’ll never be ready. There will always be something that trumps it – gotta have the job, now the house, oh but the car isn’t paid off, now the car is but I think we should test out having a pet first, and now there’s a family emergency, etc… Suddenly, there’s no time left. You just kept waiting and now you’re out of time. It’s very hard to find a perfect time to have a kid and most – a seriously high majority – never find that perfect situation.
That said: if you don’t want kids AT ALL that’s fine too. That means your relationship might be over, because there’s not really a compromise between ‘I want kids’ and ‘I don’t want kids’. Neither of you are wrong, but you aren’t right together, either. But at least there won’t be resentment and you can both pursue what you want out of life.
However, if you still want kids just not right now, then the best thing I can say is compromise. He wants right now, you don’t? Tell him you’ll be willing to start trying in six months and stick to it – make your word your bond. In six months, don’t look at your career or outside factors – look at him, your husband, and your promise to him. He trumps your career and outside factors, doesn’t he? He should.
Relationships are give and take. Relationships are compromise. If you can’t communicate, give, or compromise, this relationship will fail. If you want kids in the future and he wants them now, talk to your husband and talk over a compromise where you both are flexible to each other – because being stubborn and doing whatever YOU WANT is not good either and will only tear you guys further apart.