Hi sis ,
So Iāve been in a relationship for nearly a year and I genuinely do not believe this guy finds me attractive one bit LOL. I know youāre probably thinking why would he be with me otherwise but let me explain. So we literally got in a relationship after 2 weeks of knowing each other now looking back it feels like love bombing all from his side. Anyways heās neverrrr complimented me ever. As in ever. Honestly NEVER. Even as I type this I feel like a mad woman bc how have I accepted that but itās only when I deeped it recently that I start reflecting on the past year. Anyways he makes sly comments and masks it as banter like āI canāt believe Iām more attractive that youā or once I got my make up done and he was like āwow ur acc prettyā. The first and only time heās even said anything nice. Whenever I post on insta (I used to send him options but he used to say no theyāre ugly to them so I stopped, once he sent me 3 voice notes of utter disgust best believed I bawled my eyes out that day loool) so I just starting posting without his approval and he replies back to them saying a comment like why do ur eyes look like that or something stupid. Also can I state Iām pretty sisss this man hasnāt made me self esteem go down bc Iām actually pretty and honestly it just seems like heās pushing his own insecurity on me which makes no sense coz heās good looking lol. Also just some context our relationship was based on a lotttt of banter and roasting so when he makes these comments coz he masks them as banter itās hard to address (although Iāve never made fun of his insecurities/looks) besides that we get along but he does not make me feel good one bit. Weāre not intimate for religious reasons but honestly I donāt even want this man to touch me. Sorry I feel like Iām rambling on bc it feels like itās all in my head and Iām crazy coz besides that weāre good you know but I can tell this man does not find me attractive he even once asked me would you rather have a person everyone finds attractive and you donāt or a person you find attractive but no one else does. Some other things Iāll get dressed up make up everything cute Iām excited to see him and heās just like err when he sees me looool nah Ik your reading this thinking what a stupid girl but sis itās all just coming to me now once Iām seeing other red flags Iām like hold on a minš leaving this man isnāt a problem I think Iāll be fine coz when a man doesnāt make you feel good about yourself honestly whatās there worth staying for I just donāt know if I should address it or leave him based off other reasons I donāt wanna look crazy
This is the exact definition of negging. Someone who negs will undermine, belittle, and control the people around them, with the intention to make the person begin to overly desire and depend on the negger’s approval for self-esteem. They want a woman with lower self esteem than them. This is why they neg. If you tolerate it, you’re suitable.
The reason dusty men do this is because it literally knocks women down and positions them as the only one who can build them back up. But in reality, the men who neg others are often the ones who are insecure in themselves and see negging as the “only” way they can flirt.
A lot of men do this because they do not understand the meaning of nuance nor can they distinguish between teasing that is not foundationally negative and flirting. They are socially inept. They cannot read people so they flop like beached whales and it probably worked once in a specific situation so they decided it was the new tactic. One of my dating/relationship rules when I was younger and in fact I extend it to friendship is never to spend time with anybody who tries to make me feel bad. Now obviously if I have done something that causes harm I would expect somebody to say something. But why would I want to spend time with somebody who makes me feel bad, it makes absolutely no sense to me.
He doesnāt make you feel good, he doesnāt make you feel pretty and he refuses to compliment you. So why else are you here?
Leave him and when you do, say the truth. āYou are not the kind of man I want, you donāt make me feel good and I donāt feel good around YOU. End of story.ā
Once you get to know them and actually talk, you’ll be able to figure out who’s been intentional and who is wasting your time. Men snitch on themselves.
Anon
3 years ago
My friend keeps coming to me with regards to her relationship (LDR). Ngl she actually toxic- gives poor guy deadlines and ultimatums.when he delivers – she wants to run or looks for a way out or cause fights. Then tells our group about the relationship and her toxic ways/behaviour. The poor kid is jumping through hoops or bending backwards. I told her straight you need to go therapy because this ain’t normal or you playing with someone. You will be held accountable by God. Worst thing is when she done with him she goes back and lures him back in…. the toxic cycle continues- I told her straight not talk me or come to anything to with relationships because I don’t want that on my conscious. She needs therapy!!! ( I have limited my contact with her/ rarely speak to I’m so busy with work) I am so happy ( weight has been lifted off my shoulder/ I feel free) but my other friends are saying that she only talk about her relationship and toxic ways. They hate it
And miss the old her. I said to them it’s not my problem and not mention her/problems around me because I don’t want to know pls respect my boundaries. I am wrong in terms of stepping away from my friendship and friendship group because honestly everything is toxic- I Dont want to know.
This is called emotional dumping. You are currently their emotional outlet as they are not able to communicate personal feelings with that person or deal with them themselves. Tell them that.
I would honestly distance myself from her. Like we canāt be talking about your relationship 24/7. Itās inappropriate and somehow some way, all this chatting business will reel you into their mess. And the last thing you want to be is invested in someone elseās shit relationship.
Distance yourself from her
Anon
3 years ago
How to bring up the topic of a manās salary without seeming too forward? Iām talking to someone who is nice enough but I have a sneaking suspicion I earn more than him and thatās not something Iām looking for, I donāt wanna waste his time
Just find out what his role is and what company he works at, you can find it out on Google.
However some people get paid more than what is actually advertised on Google, but itās a rough estimate to base it on.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi ladies, Iāve been a big fan of this page since it started and youāll continue getting my support!
So this isnāt really a dilemma but I was looking to get some advice on my current situation. Last year I experienced my first ever serious relationship, we were together for around 6 months, but it was pretty intense. I even told my mum about this guy and really thought I would get married to him (or he made me believe I would). Long story short that situation is done now and left me in a bit of a wreck. Took me ages to heal and get over it (Iām still healing if Iām being honest but Iām in a better place mentally). After that whole situation I told myself I wanted to take time off from men/dating and dedicate it to myself, as Iām going through a career switch. Also had loads of other goals I wanted to achieve on my own for the year and just planned to live my baby girl life.
Aaand this is where the problem kicks in! I recently met this guy and he is nothing like anyone Iāve met before. Firstly, I feel like weāre literally the same person and we get along so well. All green flags so far, I know itās only been a couple months but I have a good feeling about him. The timing is just horrible because Iām honestly not ready for a relationship or to commit to anyone right now. But I want him to stay in my life so heās there when I am ready. Theyāre not ready to get married for a good year at least so I guess it works out for me, but what do we do in the meantime?
Logically I know I shouldnāt be entertaining anything, this guy kind of came out of nowhere so Iām just trying to figure out my next move. Any advice is appreciated!
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girls, I turned 18 recently and my mum has been bringing up marriage and potential suitors. Iām not opposed to marriage but she expects me to contact them privately to āget to know themā. And I donāt feel comfortable with that at all, it seems inappropriate and unislamic. I know myself, not only am I awkward but Iām also gullible and I donāt want to be taken advantage of. What you suggest I do?
Ignore your mum. She’s trying to rope you into the same tradition that disabled her. Get married when you’re older and know better.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis š
I just want to vent on here. So I just found out the man I was going to get married to got married after just a month of breaking things off. Even though Iām the one that broke things off with him because of serious red flags I canāt help but be annoyed because I was getting played the whole time. I have a huge ego so right now my ego is seriously bruised. I just find it amusing because dude followed every rule in the game in terms of professing his love. I was never really in love with him because I somewhat had a underlining distaste towards him that I couldnāt put my finger on because he was doing all the right things, however my internal detectors were going off signalling somethings not right. Long story short, his mask slipped during the 8 month stage when he realised his gaslighting and manipulation failed to work on me. Looking back if it wasnāt for the fact that Iām assertive and strong minded I would have definitely fell victim to his games. He tried everything and at the end I decided to ghost him because I realised he isnāt honest and lacked transparency. How could you bluntly say with your chest that youāll never call or message your potential spouse and that you expect for communication to be initiated on the other end only. I basically took that as a āI donāt want youā and just ghosted him. Anyway, Lo and behold he has moved on and got married to a girl back home in Somalia within a month. Mind you when he was telling me about this trip he said his father was sick and he was going to visit him. Now I see that it was all a front and he was trying to get rid of me by being distant so he doesnāt feel guilty. Another thing also he was getting mad disrespectful before he got distant as well so the signs were all there that he was clocking out. This has confirmed for me that men are stupid because this man spend thousands on me just on courting, dates and gifts. Men literally do not care how much many they spend on you, so next time ladies you think he is spending all this money on me that means Iām special your wildly mistaken. Iām always adamant on a girl keeping her options opened till the nikkah date but this experience has really reinforced that stance. Anyway, I got played but in life you win some and you lose some and thatās okay because life comes with lessons. Iām actually so grateful I went through this because it taught me so many things about myself.
So ladies please trust your intuition and always trust yourself by listening to your body. Sometimes we see anxiety as butterflies when really itās your body telling you this person isnāt for you.
Damn, you really dodged a bullet. Good for you sis
Anon
3 years ago
Hiya so Iāve been talking to this guy on and off for about two years we recently came to an understanding that things werenāt working out and we couldnāt see it progressing. Ended everything on a respectful and positive note, even get some random texts from him so weāre cordial but not speaking romantically anymore. But I recently get a hurtful and insulting message from them talking about the ārealā reason he ended things which was basically a childish insult. Never seen this side to him but also every thankful that Iām now I guess me being sure in myself and never giving him a reaction all these years has bothered him lol. What else would predict from a guy like this and should I just block him?
First off I wanted to say I am a huge fan of yall. It’s nice having a space where sisters can talk about their problems in a comfortable yet peaceful manner. So my problem today is there’s this guy. He is very nice and kind. He has made it clear that he is attracted to me and wants to talk to me. The problem is he doesn’t go to school. I want someone with the same ambitions as me so what should I do?
Does he work? Not everyone needs to go to school but they need to at least be driven and have ambition. For me, if you donāt have that ā this aināt gonna work.
Just because you guys click on some things, question whether these are really good qualities to find in a partner, and not just the bare minimum. Like if a guy is nice and friendly – great, but thatās a bare minimum that I would expect in the people I associated with. Donāt leave the bar on the ground. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone youāre not on the same page with.
Anon
3 years ago
Do you think itās possible to ever be bored in your relationship? Like how do two people stay together for life?
Marriages require maintenance. If you slack off on that maintenance, if you fail to do the work required to keep it running, it will fall apart.
In the beginning of a relationship often times the couple feels infatuation but during rough stressful patches, the infatuation fades (only for a moment). There is still love and passion when there isn’t infatuation.
But regardless, during that time they fall in love and develop a bond. What keeps them together after infatuation is that bond, wanting to be there when they achieve their goals, wanting to help them achieve their goals, wanting them to be happy, they make you happy, your friendship, you care about each other, and those feelings of infatuation will fluctuate. As you grow, everything fluctuates. But it doesnāt mean that wonāt come back. You can make your relationship feel like its Day 1 again with the right circumstance and teamwork. Things feel dull? Fly out to another country together and have the best fucking time of your life.
Sometimes people will mistake the fading of infatuation to mean falling out of love but that isn’t necessarily true. If one ended a relationship every time those feelings faded they’d end up having no long term relationships. If your relationships or marriage is becoming bland, then you should look at what you can do to solve the issue and keep things fresh. Never stop dating one another, even if their is a marriage title behind it! And thatās the real tea.
Keep dating your partner. Find reasons you love them, find NEW reasons why you love them. Don’t let the relationship become a routine. Spend time with each other. Spend time ON each other.
Hi sis ,
So Iāve been in a relationship for nearly a year and I genuinely do not believe this guy finds me attractive one bit LOL. I know youāre probably thinking why would he be with me otherwise but let me explain. So we literally got in a relationship after 2 weeks of knowing each other now looking back it feels like love bombing all from his side. Anyways heās neverrrr complimented me ever. As in ever. Honestly NEVER. Even as I type this I feel like a mad woman bc how have I accepted that but itās only when I deeped it recently that I start reflecting on the past year. Anyways he makes sly comments and masks it as banter like āI canāt believe Iām more attractive that youā or once I got my make up done and he was like āwow ur acc prettyā. The first and only time heās even said anything nice. Whenever I post on insta (I used to send him options but he used to say no theyāre ugly to them so I stopped, once he sent me 3 voice notes of utter disgust best believed I bawled my eyes out that day loool) so I just starting posting without his approval and he replies back to them saying a comment like why do ur eyes look like that or something stupid. Also can I state Iām pretty sisss this man hasnāt made me self esteem go down bc Iām actually pretty and honestly it just seems like heās pushing his own insecurity on me which makes no sense coz heās good looking lol. Also just some context our relationship was based on a lotttt of banter and roasting so when he makes these comments coz he masks them as banter itās hard to address (although Iāve never made fun of his insecurities/looks) besides that we get along but he does not make me feel good one bit. Weāre not intimate for religious reasons but honestly I donāt even want this man to touch me. Sorry I feel like Iām rambling on bc it feels like itās all in my head and Iām crazy coz besides that weāre good you know but I can tell this man does not find me attractive he even once asked me would you rather have a person everyone finds attractive and you donāt or a person you find attractive but no one else does. Some other things Iāll get dressed up make up everything cute Iām excited to see him and heās just like err when he sees me looool nah Ik your reading this thinking what a stupid girl but sis itās all just coming to me now once Iām seeing other red flags Iām like hold on a minš leaving this man isnāt a problem I think Iāll be fine coz when a man doesnāt make you feel good about yourself honestly whatās there worth staying for I just donāt know if I should address it or leave him based off other reasons I donāt wanna look crazy
This is the exact definition of negging. Someone who negs will undermine, belittle, and control the people around them, with the intention to make the person begin to overly desire and depend on the negger’s approval for self-esteem. They want a woman with lower self esteem than them. This is why they neg. If you tolerate it, you’re suitable.
The reason dusty men do this is because it literally knocks women down and positions them as the only one who can build them back up. But in reality, the men who neg others are often the ones who are insecure in themselves and see negging as the “only” way they can flirt.
A lot of men do this because they do not understand the meaning of nuance nor can they distinguish between teasing that is not foundationally negative and flirting. They are socially inept. They cannot read people so they flop like beached whales and it probably worked once in a specific situation so they decided it was the new tactic. One of my dating/relationship rules when I was younger and in fact I extend it to friendship is never to spend time with anybody who tries to make me feel bad. Now obviously if I have done something that causes harm I would expect somebody to say something. But why would I want to spend time with somebody who makes me feel bad, it makes absolutely no sense to me.
He doesnāt make you feel good, he doesnāt make you feel pretty and he refuses to compliment you. So why else are you here?
Leave him and when you do, say the truth. āYou are not the kind of man I want, you donāt make me feel good and I donāt feel good around YOU. End of story.ā
Once you get to know them and actually talk, you’ll be able to figure out who’s been intentional and who is wasting your time. Men snitch on themselves.
My friend keeps coming to me with regards to her relationship (LDR). Ngl she actually toxic- gives poor guy deadlines and ultimatums.when he delivers – she wants to run or looks for a way out or cause fights. Then tells our group about the relationship and her toxic ways/behaviour. The poor kid is jumping through hoops or bending backwards. I told her straight you need to go therapy because this ain’t normal or you playing with someone. You will be held accountable by God. Worst thing is when she done with him she goes back and lures him back in…. the toxic cycle continues- I told her straight not talk me or come to anything to with relationships because I don’t want that on my conscious. She needs therapy!!! ( I have limited my contact with her/ rarely speak to I’m so busy with work) I am so happy ( weight has been lifted off my shoulder/ I feel free) but my other friends are saying that she only talk about her relationship and toxic ways. They hate it
And miss the old her. I said to them it’s not my problem and not mention her/problems around me because I don’t want to know pls respect my boundaries. I am wrong in terms of stepping away from my friendship and friendship group because honestly everything is toxic- I Dont want to know.
This is called emotional dumping. You are currently their emotional outlet as they are not able to communicate personal feelings with that person or deal with them themselves. Tell them that.
I would honestly distance myself from her. Like we canāt be talking about your relationship 24/7. Itās inappropriate and somehow some way, all this chatting business will reel you into their mess. And the last thing you want to be is invested in someone elseās shit relationship.
Distance yourself from her
How to bring up the topic of a manās salary without seeming too forward? Iām talking to someone who is nice enough but I have a sneaking suspicion I earn more than him and thatās not something Iām looking for, I donāt wanna waste his time
Just find out what his role is and what company he works at, you can find it out on Google.
However some people get paid more than what is actually advertised on Google, but itās a rough estimate to base it on.
Hi ladies, Iāve been a big fan of this page since it started and youāll continue getting my support!
So this isnāt really a dilemma but I was looking to get some advice on my current situation. Last year I experienced my first ever serious relationship, we were together for around 6 months, but it was pretty intense. I even told my mum about this guy and really thought I would get married to him (or he made me believe I would). Long story short that situation is done now and left me in a bit of a wreck. Took me ages to heal and get over it (Iām still healing if Iām being honest but Iām in a better place mentally). After that whole situation I told myself I wanted to take time off from men/dating and dedicate it to myself, as Iām going through a career switch. Also had loads of other goals I wanted to achieve on my own for the year and just planned to live my baby girl life.
Aaand this is where the problem kicks in! I recently met this guy and he is nothing like anyone Iāve met before. Firstly, I feel like weāre literally the same person and we get along so well. All green flags so far, I know itās only been a couple months but I have a good feeling about him. The timing is just horrible because Iām honestly not ready for a relationship or to commit to anyone right now. But I want him to stay in my life so heās there when I am ready. Theyāre not ready to get married for a good year at least so I guess it works out for me, but what do we do in the meantime?
Logically I know I shouldnāt be entertaining anything, this guy kind of came out of nowhere so Iām just trying to figure out my next move. Any advice is appreciated!
Hey girls, I turned 18 recently and my mum has been bringing up marriage and potential suitors. Iām not opposed to marriage but she expects me to contact them privately to āget to know themā. And I donāt feel comfortable with that at all, it seems inappropriate and unislamic. I know myself, not only am I awkward but Iām also gullible and I donāt want to be taken advantage of. What you suggest I do?
Ignore your mum. She’s trying to rope you into the same tradition that disabled her. Get married when you’re older and know better.
Hey sis š
I just want to vent on here. So I just found out the man I was going to get married to got married after just a month of breaking things off. Even though Iām the one that broke things off with him because of serious red flags I canāt help but be annoyed because I was getting played the whole time. I have a huge ego so right now my ego is seriously bruised. I just find it amusing because dude followed every rule in the game in terms of professing his love. I was never really in love with him because I somewhat had a underlining distaste towards him that I couldnāt put my finger on because he was doing all the right things, however my internal detectors were going off signalling somethings not right. Long story short, his mask slipped during the 8 month stage when he realised his gaslighting and manipulation failed to work on me. Looking back if it wasnāt for the fact that Iām assertive and strong minded I would have definitely fell victim to his games. He tried everything and at the end I decided to ghost him because I realised he isnāt honest and lacked transparency. How could you bluntly say with your chest that youāll never call or message your potential spouse and that you expect for communication to be initiated on the other end only. I basically took that as a āI donāt want youā and just ghosted him. Anyway, Lo and behold he has moved on and got married to a girl back home in Somalia within a month. Mind you when he was telling me about this trip he said his father was sick and he was going to visit him. Now I see that it was all a front and he was trying to get rid of me by being distant so he doesnāt feel guilty. Another thing also he was getting mad disrespectful before he got distant as well so the signs were all there that he was clocking out. This has confirmed for me that men are stupid because this man spend thousands on me just on courting, dates and gifts. Men literally do not care how much many they spend on you, so next time ladies you think he is spending all this money on me that means Iām special your wildly mistaken. Iām always adamant on a girl keeping her options opened till the nikkah date but this experience has really reinforced that stance. Anyway, I got played but in life you win some and you lose some and thatās okay because life comes with lessons. Iām actually so grateful I went through this because it taught me so many things about myself.
So ladies please trust your intuition and always trust yourself by listening to your body. Sometimes we see anxiety as butterflies when really itās your body telling you this person isnāt for you.
Damn, you really dodged a bullet. Good for you sis
Hiya so Iāve been talking to this guy on and off for about two years we recently came to an understanding that things werenāt working out and we couldnāt see it progressing. Ended everything on a respectful and positive note, even get some random texts from him so weāre cordial but not speaking romantically anymore. But I recently get a hurtful and insulting message from them talking about the ārealā reason he ended things which was basically a childish insult. Never seen this side to him but also every thankful that Iām now I guess me being sure in myself and never giving him a reaction all these years has bothered him lol. What else would predict from a guy like this and should I just block him?
Block him.
Asc Ladies,
First off I wanted to say I am a huge fan of yall. It’s nice having a space where sisters can talk about their problems in a comfortable yet peaceful manner. So my problem today is there’s this guy. He is very nice and kind. He has made it clear that he is attracted to me and wants to talk to me. The problem is he doesn’t go to school. I want someone with the same ambitions as me so what should I do?
Thank you!
Does he work? Not everyone needs to go to school but they need to at least be driven and have ambition. For me, if you donāt have that ā this aināt gonna work.
Just because you guys click on some things, question whether these are really good qualities to find in a partner, and not just the bare minimum. Like if a guy is nice and friendly – great, but thatās a bare minimum that I would expect in the people I associated with. Donāt leave the bar on the ground. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone youāre not on the same page with.
Do you think itās possible to ever be bored in your relationship? Like how do two people stay together for life?
Marriages require maintenance. If you slack off on that maintenance, if you fail to do the work required to keep it running, it will fall apart.
In the beginning of a relationship often times the couple feels infatuation but during rough stressful patches, the infatuation fades (only for a moment). There is still love and passion when there isn’t infatuation.
But regardless, during that time they fall in love and develop a bond. What keeps them together after infatuation is that bond, wanting to be there when they achieve their goals, wanting to help them achieve their goals, wanting them to be happy, they make you happy, your friendship, you care about each other, and those feelings of infatuation will fluctuate. As you grow, everything fluctuates. But it doesnāt mean that wonāt come back. You can make your relationship feel like its Day 1 again with the right circumstance and teamwork. Things feel dull? Fly out to another country together and have the best fucking time of your life.
Sometimes people will mistake the fading of infatuation to mean falling out of love but that isn’t necessarily true. If one ended a relationship every time those feelings faded they’d end up having no long term relationships. If your relationships or marriage is becoming bland, then you should look at what you can do to solve the issue and keep things fresh. Never stop dating one another, even if their is a marriage title behind it! And thatās the real tea.
Keep dating your partner. Find reasons you love them, find NEW reasons why you love them. Don’t let the relationship become a routine. Spend time with each other. Spend time ON each other.