So I’ve got this problem. I’m 18 turning 19 this year and I feel like I’m good at establishing boundaries with males however with females I always struggle to create boundaries. In short I feel like I’m always getting shitted on. ESP the females I’m around. I wouldn’t say they’re the rowdy type but idk it’s kinda hurtful when they don’t go around treating other people like that but they do that to me. 🥲
Stop hanging around girls who disrespect you. Because chances are, if you’re the victim in the group – you’re gonna stay that way, thats all they’ll see you. But are you sure its not just banter?
Anon
3 years ago
I never really celebrate my birthdays it always goes wrong especially the past two years , my 20th is coming up in a few months I’ve started hitting the gym and want to get a MUA extra I know , any tips on making your birthday more special for your self and what kind of outfit would be suitable
Look on instagram to get an idea of what kind of MUA’s you want to go to, book at least 3 weeks in advance.
And again, I always go to instagram for inspo in terms of my outfit. Not really sure about what to do for birthdays, the last 3 1/2 years I’ve just spent it with my hubby (its much more easier). I’d rather spend it with one person rather than the hassle of dealing with a big group. But if you do want to spend time with your friends, book in advance too. People need to know what they’re doing 2-3 weeks ahead of time. Dinner and an activity is kinda nice.
Siss, thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve decided to face my front and leave. Im always one to trust my gut but damn my gut was doing overtime. A woman should never disregard her intuitions because if you suspect anything, girl you better run! Alhamdulillah for the countless duas and prayers. It’s wild how we broke up and I saw this a few days later !!
I’m hurting but delaying it will not make it any better so Alhamdulillah. I’d rather hurt without him than be hurt and ignored with him. May Allah continue to bless you both endlessly.
Hey girls, I really enjoy reading your advice; I hope Allah swt blesses you both with whatever you desire in this dunya and akhirah. I’m a 22 year old female, I completed my BA and masters recently Alhamdulilah. The thing is I don’t know what this is phase of life is but I’m trying to find myself if you get me. Like I do not know what field of work I want to do, I don’t know if I’m suppose to be ‘looking for marriage’ as some people would say (not that I do lol) and I’m just confused. I have prayed to Allah swt about this and I feel that he is the best of planners. I thought that maybe some people my age are facing similar thoughts and perhaps you could give me some advice. Jzk.
I actually made a list of the things I did NOT want to do. Since this eliminated almost 90% of the viable career-paths available to me, it made it much easier to choose.
Its a good place to start. People often don’t know what they like, but will have very strong opinions on what they DON’T like.
In terms of marriage, go have fun bruv. Unless you are approaching 30, I really don’t know why there is a rush to get married before you’ve even dated and found out what and what not you like? Its easier to find long term spouses when you go in with an open mind, not actively searching. Because then, you’ll just end up with anyone. Be a babygirl, enjoy life. Enjoy being spoiled, enjoy having fun and being an individual, all whilst securing the bag.
Anon
3 years ago
hi!! love this page, may Allah grant you girls and the people behind the scenes Jannah!
question– do you ever just not respond to some of these? if not, do you ever get a feeling to? do you dislike it when they’re long, or not to the point? is it hard to find time? do you put a lot of thought into it? do you ever wish the people would state their age & gender, cos ngl when my fellow anon’s type I wonder how old they are, and in some, if they could clarify their gender 🤣. and do you find this fun?
And because we get so much, we have to filter ones that obviously sound the same or some the sound fake. Longer ones we have to take time reading it of course, especially if we want it to go on The Sisterverse. But generally, even if we get a hundred dilemmas in, wallahi I love it. That’s kinda like my downtime when I’m done with work and just want to chill in my office for a bit. I really like it. And yes, alot of thought goes into it. When I reply to dilemmas, you’ll see I’ll write paragraphs on paragraphs, I wish I had this energy for my assignments honestly
And you know what, that would actually be good if people said their age, gender etc. Its good context.
what the hell, me, my brother and one of my cousins all have/had keratosis pilaris. only found out after searching it up from reading the posts. I LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THAT. (it was much worse when I was younger)) when I was a child, I used to get told by my relatives to go wash myself properly and use cream afterwards like DAMNNNNNNN. but thanks for putting a name to it finally & letting us know what to do
I mean I’m not trying to advertise you going to parties but 1 isn’t going to hurt 😭🤣
Anon
3 years ago
Hey Lula omg just typing this I just feel so sick and terrified. So I met the guy I’ve always dreamed of I adore him he has stated he wants to marry me and go through with talking to my dad but ever since he has said this I have been having worrying thoughts I’m so scared I’m terrified I’ve cried several times over this i know to many it sounds like I’m being dramatic and overreacting but I can’t explain the feeling I get I’m so terrified of giving myself up and being vulnerable to someone who does not owe me any loyalties and could very well either make or break my life. I’ve had experiences with men in the past and they’ve all been time wasters broke horrible narcissistic and mean. I never had hope for men or marriage but when I met my current man I was in shock I couldn’t believe it this man wowed me and he continues to wow me. He ticks all my boxes and he’s the best sometimes I ask myself if this could be too good to be true I keep waiting on a red flag to pop up or something like all the other guys but there are none. Sometimes they say if it feels too good to be true it’s not real & that’s been at the back of my mind. I recently listened to a podcast and the lady was telling the story of her marriage that broke down and I got so emotional she thought this man would take care of her and trusted him but he brought her nothing but pain and trauma. What I’m trying to say is I’m scared of the unknown I’m scared this person I want to marry can either make or break me. I’m scared of being vulnerable I’m scared they won’t look after me because they have no loyalties to me I’m scared it’s all going to come crashing down. I haven’t completed told him in detail how I feel but I have mentioned that I’m scared and he did say it was fine and that he too was scared but I don’t think he is as scared as I am. I over think and worry myself so much I cry sometimes to Allah because I dont think I can do this. I don’t know if I’m able to give up my freedom my emotion time and vulnerability to effectively a stranger. Any words of advice to calm me down would be greatly appreciated
All your fears make sense, to me anyway. I agree with you wholeheartedly and no one should judge you. A lot of men out there bring nothing but fuckery to your life. No sabr for women, and they can convince you that they’re the best thing ever, but underneath the facade some are selfish, entirely sexual, manipulative and fake. If you look closely you can always see it in time. You’re not crazy. This level of enlightenment is rare because most women allow themselves to be brainwashed and manipulated. They internalize misogyny and the male agenda. And whilst there is a lot of shit men out there, this is only a few, remember that. And if you filter out a good one, marriage will be the safest feeling you’ve ever had I promise you.
I feel like I’m talking to a younger me when I write this. I often used to internalise other peoples experience as my own, even when I haven’t lived half of it. And if I did experience a shit situation, I would paint every man alike. Every single one was the same to me. But I realised part of me thought It’s easier to devalue something I might not get than to acknowledge that I might want it instead if that makes sense. I just pushed marriage and settling away to the back of my head. Basically I was acting out in fear and masking it up as though it was a choice, when deep down I had the attitude of: I’d rather not want it instead of putting my heart on my sleeve, which is naturally what I wanted to do.
Here is the thing – fear will get you nowhere in terms of relationships and love. When we are afraid, our actions become dictated by fear. When in reality, the only thing you can control is yourself and who gets to love you. That’s it. Everything else is a leap of faith and of course qadr of Allah. And marriage is the biggest leap of faith OF ALL.
A lot of my friends who got engaged experienced the same kind of feeling I did. It’s almost like imposter syndrome. It’s like you’re so scared of failing, you feel like you’ve already failed even when there’s absolutely no reason for you to think so? Everything is great in fact!!
Men are really good at taking a leap of faith, when they’re happy – they do whatever the hell it is they want, nothing holds them back. Whereas for us women, there’s just something that’s making us feel uneasy. Even though everything is seemingly perfect, the fear of experiencing all the nastiness we hear is ever so present. We feel like it will happen to us one day. And this feeling probably lasts up until the wedding day, or even afterwards. It’s normal man
A lot of people just say marriage is shit because they experienced a difficult one, but that isn’t true for everyone. When you marry someone after two seconds of knowing them don’t be surprised if it ends up in tatters. Or marry someone you knew couldn’t look after you. Someone that was living off of you YOU! That’s your problem no one else’s. Don’t discourage other girls and say that ‘good marriages don’t exist’ when that is absolutely not true.
But the difference between other peoples fears and yours, is that your concern have more to do with hope for a good marriage rather than a belief that no such thing exists (which most women say). Your fear is because of your lack of optimism and it’s keeping any possible optimism at bay, because keeping your optimism at bay protects you.
It’s like when people say someone’s car is shit, or bag, or house, when deep down they know they want it – it’s just easier to state all the problems that come with it rather than coming to the conclusion that right now, that this thing they want – they just can’t have right now. So saying stuff like “marriage is too risky” is more easier than just keeping it real and saying the truth which is: “I feel like I’m not lovable enough for a man to stay with me, and that’s why I’m so scared of marriage.” The reality is, If you doubt your own appeal, it’s easier to just convince yourself that marriage is unappealing in general and that the real problem is not you – when in fact it is. Harsh but true.
If you don’t address your underlying fear, you won’t ever have a wholesome relationship. That’s the absolute truth. Without vulnerability, there’s no real connection between a husband and wife. Your spouse must see you in a way no one else has ever seen you before. As you are, weak, broken, made up, whatever it is you’re feeling that day. They get to see you NAKED. Figuratively and literally. They are the ones that see the real tea, and choose to still love you regardless.
Yes trust comes from within, and someone must earn it. I can not judge you for not trusting anyone. My best advice is, what will make you feel better once you get married?
For me it was:
Making sure I reached/or was working towards my big savings.
No kids until after I finished my training programme
Being legally married
And of course: marrying someone who has shown to prove how SUPPORTIVE they can be during my most vulnerable moments.
With that, I was able to take that leap of faith. Without it, I’d be a mess and I probably wouldn’t get married if I’m being honest. And my husband was absolutely okay with that. He loved me enough to do whatever it was to make me feel comfortable, and he gets a happier wife because of it.
Sometimes I have to laugh at my younger self honestly. I used to talk so much shit about marriage, how much it disabled women, how better off women would be had they stayed single and childless. But Allah swt can show you how wrong you are in the most ironic of ways. I take back every single one of those words. If I could slap my younger self I would 😭
My point is, only settle down if you’re 100% sure this man can be a team with you. He can support, he can look after you. After that everything else is good. And even if you guys argue, it’s okay. Because you’re a team. Don’t stop yourself sis. Love is truly the best feeling in this world. I really believe it’s one of the only things that remind you that you’re ALIVE. You know how monotonous life can get and how dull? It makes life have a tint to it. Everyday feels like summer
Catch feelings!!!!
Anon
3 years ago
My fiancé works out of town and is away most of the month. Every time he comes he spends most of his time with his friends. I don’t know if I’m suffocating him by being mad that he isn’t around me and on the phone to me like he is when he is away for work as he spends most of his time at work speaking to me! I feel abandoned and unloved every time he comes so I prefer when he is at work 🙁 he has reassured me a few times and reminds me that when we do get married in a few weeks in sha Allah things will change because it’s halal for us to be together all the time but idk if I should believe him?? What if he continues but I also feel so clingy and obsessive and think it’s healthy for him to have his time away I need advice sisters
I understand you feel frustrated and lonely. It seems like there is a big personality difference here and that is why you are struggling to see eye to eye. He is probably very used to just being an individual, doing things on his own time. It comes with having to live out of town because you’re so used to you living on your own terms. Its very possible that he can’t see why you’d don’t want so much time with him, considering that in his mind, you guys are going to be living together!
Just let your fiancé know, “Look, I love really you a lot, and I’m so happy that you’re so invested in work and mA it’s such a great quality that I admire. However, right now I really feel neglected and I should feel like that, I should be happy leading up to the wedding. You need to seriously acknowledge this thing that’s boring me, because I want to have faith in you that you’ll do whatever it needs to make your wife happy. Especially since I’m not asking for a lot, I’m just asking for your time. “
Also, I would make him feel that he has a lot to lose as well in this and the impact of this your future. You have to be direct as most men don’t pick up indirect conversations or understand the future consequences. If you don’t make me happy now, I wont be happy when im married to you.
Hey,
So I’ve got this problem. I’m 18 turning 19 this year and I feel like I’m good at establishing boundaries with males however with females I always struggle to create boundaries. In short I feel like I’m always getting shitted on. ESP the females I’m around. I wouldn’t say they’re the rowdy type but idk it’s kinda hurtful when they don’t go around treating other people like that but they do that to me. 🥲
Stop hanging around girls who disrespect you. Because chances are, if you’re the victim in the group – you’re gonna stay that way, thats all they’ll see you. But are you sure its not just banter?
I never really celebrate my birthdays it always goes wrong especially the past two years , my 20th is coming up in a few months I’ve started hitting the gym and want to get a MUA extra I know , any tips on making your birthday more special for your self and what kind of outfit would be suitable
Look on instagram to get an idea of what kind of MUA’s you want to go to, book at least 3 weeks in advance.
And again, I always go to instagram for inspo in terms of my outfit. Not really sure about what to do for birthdays, the last 3 1/2 years I’ve just spent it with my hubby (its much more easier). I’d rather spend it with one person rather than the hassle of dealing with a big group. But if you do want to spend time with your friends, book in advance too. People need to know what they’re doing 2-3 weeks ahead of time. Dinner and an activity is kinda nice.
https://thesisterguide.com/comment-page-62/#comment-1464
Siss, thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve decided to face my front and leave. Im always one to trust my gut but damn my gut was doing overtime. A woman should never disregard her intuitions because if you suspect anything, girl you better run! Alhamdulillah for the countless duas and prayers. It’s wild how we broke up and I saw this a few days later !!
I’m hurting but delaying it will not make it any better so Alhamdulillah. I’d rather hurt without him than be hurt and ignored with him. May Allah continue to bless you both endlessly.
You’re welcome!
And you’re absolutely right, trust your gut.
Hey girls, I really enjoy reading your advice; I hope Allah swt blesses you both with whatever you desire in this dunya and akhirah. I’m a 22 year old female, I completed my BA and masters recently Alhamdulilah. The thing is I don’t know what this is phase of life is but I’m trying to find myself if you get me. Like I do not know what field of work I want to do, I don’t know if I’m suppose to be ‘looking for marriage’ as some people would say (not that I do lol) and I’m just confused. I have prayed to Allah swt about this and I feel that he is the best of planners. I thought that maybe some people my age are facing similar thoughts and perhaps you could give me some advice. Jzk.
I actually made a list of the things I did NOT want to do. Since this eliminated almost 90% of the viable career-paths available to me, it made it much easier to choose.
Its a good place to start. People often don’t know what they like, but will have very strong opinions on what they DON’T like.
In terms of marriage, go have fun bruv. Unless you are approaching 30, I really don’t know why there is a rush to get married before you’ve even dated and found out what and what not you like? Its easier to find long term spouses when you go in with an open mind, not actively searching. Because then, you’ll just end up with anyone. Be a babygirl, enjoy life. Enjoy being spoiled, enjoy having fun and being an individual, all whilst securing the bag.
hi!! love this page, may Allah grant you girls and the people behind the scenes Jannah!
question– do you ever just not respond to some of these? if not, do you ever get a feeling to? do you dislike it when they’re long, or not to the point? is it hard to find time? do you put a lot of thought into it? do you ever wish the people would state their age & gender, cos ngl when my fellow anon’s type I wonder how old they are, and in some, if they could clarify their gender 🤣. and do you find this fun?
Ameen ameen !!
And because we get so much, we have to filter ones that obviously sound the same or some the sound fake. Longer ones we have to take time reading it of course, especially if we want it to go on The Sisterverse. But generally, even if we get a hundred dilemmas in, wallahi I love it. That’s kinda like my downtime when I’m done with work and just want to chill in my office for a bit. I really like it. And yes, alot of thought goes into it. When I reply to dilemmas, you’ll see I’ll write paragraphs on paragraphs, I wish I had this energy for my assignments honestly
And you know what, that would actually be good if people said their age, gender etc. Its good context.
https://thesisterguide.com/comment-page-64/#comment-1530.
what the hell, me, my brother and one of my cousins all have/had keratosis pilaris. only found out after searching it up from reading the posts. I LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THAT. (it was much worse when I was younger)) when I was a child, I used to get told by my relatives to go wash myself properly and use cream afterwards like DAMNNNNNNN. but thanks for putting a name to it finally & letting us know what to do
—
The sister who is nearly securing a 7.5K a month role. May Allah put barakah in it for you and protect you, ameeen!
Wanna mentor me? For real for real
Right ! She needs to bring us in
Im a missing out for not going to parties etc?, I feel like I am. Every woman has had her time before getting married but some just keep it on the low
I mean I’m not trying to advertise you going to parties but 1 isn’t going to hurt 😭🤣
Hey Lula omg just typing this I just feel so sick and terrified. So I met the guy I’ve always dreamed of I adore him he has stated he wants to marry me and go through with talking to my dad but ever since he has said this I have been having worrying thoughts I’m so scared I’m terrified I’ve cried several times over this i know to many it sounds like I’m being dramatic and overreacting but I can’t explain the feeling I get I’m so terrified of giving myself up and being vulnerable to someone who does not owe me any loyalties and could very well either make or break my life. I’ve had experiences with men in the past and they’ve all been time wasters broke horrible narcissistic and mean. I never had hope for men or marriage but when I met my current man I was in shock I couldn’t believe it this man wowed me and he continues to wow me. He ticks all my boxes and he’s the best sometimes I ask myself if this could be too good to be true I keep waiting on a red flag to pop up or something like all the other guys but there are none. Sometimes they say if it feels too good to be true it’s not real & that’s been at the back of my mind. I recently listened to a podcast and the lady was telling the story of her marriage that broke down and I got so emotional she thought this man would take care of her and trusted him but he brought her nothing but pain and trauma. What I’m trying to say is I’m scared of the unknown I’m scared this person I want to marry can either make or break me. I’m scared of being vulnerable I’m scared they won’t look after me because they have no loyalties to me I’m scared it’s all going to come crashing down. I haven’t completed told him in detail how I feel but I have mentioned that I’m scared and he did say it was fine and that he too was scared but I don’t think he is as scared as I am. I over think and worry myself so much I cry sometimes to Allah because I dont think I can do this. I don’t know if I’m able to give up my freedom my emotion time and vulnerability to effectively a stranger. Any words of advice to calm me down would be greatly appreciated
Been there sis, I’ve been there.
All your fears make sense, to me anyway. I agree with you wholeheartedly and no one should judge you. A lot of men out there bring nothing but fuckery to your life. No sabr for women, and they can convince you that they’re the best thing ever, but underneath the facade some are selfish, entirely sexual, manipulative and fake. If you look closely you can always see it in time. You’re not crazy. This level of enlightenment is rare because most women allow themselves to be brainwashed and manipulated. They internalize misogyny and the male agenda. And whilst there is a lot of shit men out there, this is only a few, remember that. And if you filter out a good one, marriage will be the safest feeling you’ve ever had I promise you.
I feel like I’m talking to a younger me when I write this. I often used to internalise other peoples experience as my own, even when I haven’t lived half of it. And if I did experience a shit situation, I would paint every man alike. Every single one was the same to me. But I realised part of me thought It’s easier to devalue something I might not get than to acknowledge that I might want it instead if that makes sense. I just pushed marriage and settling away to the back of my head. Basically I was acting out in fear and masking it up as though it was a choice, when deep down I had the attitude of: I’d rather not want it instead of putting my heart on my sleeve, which is naturally what I wanted to do.
Here is the thing – fear will get you nowhere in terms of relationships and love. When we are afraid, our actions become dictated by fear. When in reality, the only thing you can control is yourself and who gets to love you. That’s it. Everything else is a leap of faith and of course qadr of Allah. And marriage is the biggest leap of faith OF ALL.
A lot of my friends who got engaged experienced the same kind of feeling I did. It’s almost like imposter syndrome. It’s like you’re so scared of failing, you feel like you’ve already failed even when there’s absolutely no reason for you to think so? Everything is great in fact!!
Men are really good at taking a leap of faith, when they’re happy – they do whatever the hell it is they want, nothing holds them back. Whereas for us women, there’s just something that’s making us feel uneasy. Even though everything is seemingly perfect, the fear of experiencing all the nastiness we hear is ever so present. We feel like it will happen to us one day. And this feeling probably lasts up until the wedding day, or even afterwards. It’s normal man
A lot of people just say marriage is shit because they experienced a difficult one, but that isn’t true for everyone. When you marry someone after two seconds of knowing them don’t be surprised if it ends up in tatters. Or marry someone you knew couldn’t look after you. Someone that was living off of you YOU! That’s your problem no one else’s. Don’t discourage other girls and say that ‘good marriages don’t exist’ when that is absolutely not true.
But the difference between other peoples fears and yours, is that your concern have more to do with hope for a good marriage rather than a belief that no such thing exists (which most women say). Your fear is because of your lack of optimism and it’s keeping any possible optimism at bay, because keeping your optimism at bay protects you.
It’s like when people say someone’s car is shit, or bag, or house, when deep down they know they want it – it’s just easier to state all the problems that come with it rather than coming to the conclusion that right now, that this thing they want – they just can’t have right now. So saying stuff like “marriage is too risky” is more easier than just keeping it real and saying the truth which is: “I feel like I’m not lovable enough for a man to stay with me, and that’s why I’m so scared of marriage.” The reality is, If you doubt your own appeal, it’s easier to just convince yourself that marriage is unappealing in general and that the real problem is not you – when in fact it is. Harsh but true.
If you don’t address your underlying fear, you won’t ever have a wholesome relationship. That’s the absolute truth. Without vulnerability, there’s no real connection between a husband and wife. Your spouse must see you in a way no one else has ever seen you before. As you are, weak, broken, made up, whatever it is you’re feeling that day. They get to see you NAKED. Figuratively and literally. They are the ones that see the real tea, and choose to still love you regardless.
Yes trust comes from within, and someone must earn it. I can not judge you for not trusting anyone. My best advice is, what will make you feel better once you get married?
For me it was:
Making sure I reached/or was working towards my big savings.
No kids until after I finished my training programme
Being legally married
And of course: marrying someone who has shown to prove how SUPPORTIVE they can be during my most vulnerable moments.
With that, I was able to take that leap of faith. Without it, I’d be a mess and I probably wouldn’t get married if I’m being honest. And my husband was absolutely okay with that. He loved me enough to do whatever it was to make me feel comfortable, and he gets a happier wife because of it.
Sometimes I have to laugh at my younger self honestly. I used to talk so much shit about marriage, how much it disabled women, how better off women would be had they stayed single and childless. But Allah swt can show you how wrong you are in the most ironic of ways. I take back every single one of those words. If I could slap my younger self I would 😭
My point is, only settle down if you’re 100% sure this man can be a team with you. He can support, he can look after you. After that everything else is good. And even if you guys argue, it’s okay. Because you’re a team. Don’t stop yourself sis. Love is truly the best feeling in this world. I really believe it’s one of the only things that remind you that you’re ALIVE. You know how monotonous life can get and how dull? It makes life have a tint to it. Everyday feels like summer
Catch feelings!!!!
My fiancé works out of town and is away most of the month. Every time he comes he spends most of his time with his friends. I don’t know if I’m suffocating him by being mad that he isn’t around me and on the phone to me like he is when he is away for work as he spends most of his time at work speaking to me! I feel abandoned and unloved every time he comes so I prefer when he is at work 🙁 he has reassured me a few times and reminds me that when we do get married in a few weeks in sha Allah things will change because it’s halal for us to be together all the time but idk if I should believe him?? What if he continues but I also feel so clingy and obsessive and think it’s healthy for him to have his time away I need advice sisters
I understand you feel frustrated and lonely. It seems like there is a big personality difference here and that is why you are struggling to see eye to eye. He is probably very used to just being an individual, doing things on his own time. It comes with having to live out of town because you’re so used to you living on your own terms. Its very possible that he can’t see why you’d don’t want so much time with him, considering that in his mind, you guys are going to be living together!
Just let your fiancé know, “Look, I love really you a lot, and I’m so happy that you’re so invested in work and mA it’s such a great quality that I admire. However, right now I really feel neglected and I should feel like that, I should be happy leading up to the wedding. You need to seriously acknowledge this thing that’s boring me, because I want to have faith in you that you’ll do whatever it needs to make your wife happy. Especially since I’m not asking for a lot, I’m just asking for your time. “
Also, I would make him feel that he has a lot to lose as well in this and the impact of this your future. You have to be direct as most men don’t pick up indirect conversations or understand the future consequences. If you don’t make me happy now, I wont be happy when im married to you.