To the girl who wanted to get married to an Arab footballer I say you get someone from your family that your parents like and respect a lot and get them to speak to ur parents.
But if it doesn’t work out DO NOT DISOBEY your parents I repeat DO NOT disobey them.
Wallahi it’s for the best your gonna have to take the L and keep it stepping.
I’ve seen and witnessed the result of disobeying your parents through my own experiences and others, numerous times.I’ve seen the effects enough to beg you not to go against them and to pray to Allah to make them accept if it’s good for you.
because Ultimately Allah is All-Wise and he knows what’s best for you better than your own-selves. So if it doesn’t work out don’t become disheartened but know that Allah has something better planned for you.
Also I know you think you have made you’re decision already but you need to pray Istikhara to finalise your decision- After praying it signs not to marry him may pop up.
Hi
I’ve recently married, my 3rd marriage. I met someone I thought I was going to spend my life with. I was so happy as he is/was everything I wanted in a spouse only for him to tell me after a month of being married, he doesn’t feel a “connection” with me or that he “hasn’t fallen in love with me”. He left to “think” whether he wants me or not. It’s been nearly a month now.
Please advise me, is this normal as I’ve never heard this happen to anyone before. Please don’t post this on twitter.
Thank you
What is the difference between all 3 marriages? If you can find similarities between all three men, you’re doing something wrong. Whilst I know marriages can turn on its head very quickly, after the first divorce, that should be a lesson. What went wrong there, you know to avoid when you start meeting potential spouses for a 2nd marriage. Not all 2nd marriages bound to work either, but whatever you have seen from both of these experiences, again you’ll avoid with the 3rd marriage.
If you want to reflect, try to figure out what the parallels are. In each of those situations, the wisdom that comes with age and in this case experience, can override love imo. Humans are faulty creatures, but if you get burnt once, and twice, even if you get burnt a third time by chance, you would have been able to anticipate it. Even if you tried to ignore it
When people divorce and do not take the opportunity to learn from their divorce, they take all their crud and beliefs about relationships into their next marriage. If you were cheated on for example, you may take your dented ability to trust into the new marriage. Hurts, low self-esteem, anger it all needs to be handled beforehand if remarriage is going to have a chance. Also blaming your last spouse for all the problems in that marriage and the divorce doesn’t fair well for any future marriages. As long as you are playing the blame game, you aren’t able to focus on the role you played in the problems in your last marriage. If you don’t identify and fix relationship issues you have, you carry them into every relationship you have.
Rebound relationships that end in marriage rarely ever work. Men marry too quickly after a divorce because they don’t like being alone. Women remarry too quickly because they desire financial security. Two very bad reasons to rush from one marriage to another. Also, If you meet someone who has failed in business, has failed familial relationships, is someone who seems to have a losing streak just in general, you may want to think twice before marrying them. Yes, I understand that some people have bad look or hard knocks in life and, that it is not a character flaw. BUT, some people are forever victims of “circumstances beyond their control.” Marrying people for their potential instead of what is right in front of you almost always leads to breakdown in relationships, marriage or nah
Regardless of how this man feels towards you, my genuine advice is to take a time out. Because this will lower your self esteem. Before you remarry after divorce, take time to heal, to get to know yourself and come to terms with the fact that you don’t need marriage to be happy and satisfied.
Being alone after divorce is a great lesson teacher. You will learn to like your own company. You will learn new relationship skills. You will learn you don’t NEED a partner and go out and find a proper one when you start WANTING a new partner. You feel me?
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girl so,
I’m 21 and I’ve never been “chased” or moved to as much as I hear other girls my age saying they are. I feel like as soon as I catch feelings for someone I start making it obvious or I get impatient and self sabotage it. I also think most guys are scared to try it on with me because I’m extroverted and I just do things without worrying what people think.
Just chill. Once you change your attitude with dating in general, you won’t come across as excited as much. In general, I remember I used to do this too, I just thought if I liked a guy so much – I’m already imagining the wedding and kids. And in hindsight, when I was younger, I probably came off too strong and it never worked out. But as soon as I changed that mindset, it was like all the attention, the spoiling I wanted, it kept coming out of nowhere.
I think generally men are attracted to women who are independent, strong, intelligent, secure in themselves and don’t put up with shit. That’s what’s sexy and attractive to them. If you’re the whole package, that’s what’s going to make them want to “take you off the market”, so to speak. When its obvious you’re insecure and are desperate to just be in a relationship, men just take you fi ediat because they know you’re rather put up with their shit than be single. But when they know, the minute they try to do fuckeries, you’re already gone before they have a chance to even blink.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi! I’ve been talking with this guy and things were going great at the beginning. We both made our intentions clear and I had set my boundaries and wants/needs. I opened up a little bit about my anxiety and depression because I started projecting stuff on him. It feels like that was for nothing. I’ve explained (multiple times) that I would appreciate it if he doesn’t take hours to reply and keep me in the loop throughout the day. I don’t expect us to text every second of the day, but not hearing from him for 5-8 hours really triggers me. The good morning texts have stopped as well. I am in therapy btw so I’m trying to work on my stuff. But it feels like he doesn’t care how his actions affect me and it’s like I’m begging for the bare minimum. Mind you, it didn’t take him this long to text first. At the beginning he was very consistent in pursuing and made it clear he wanted me. He would even apologize for replying late or not calling on the time we had set. Now it feels like I’m the one putting the most effort and doing all the calling. I feel very anxious and sad about it because it feels like my mental health always gets the best of me. And the men that pursue me never take it seriously or in consideration. We had a little argument because of him not checking up on me at all but I saw him post on his insta (I didn’t mention the IG part). I havent spoken to him since for a whole day. This is the first time because we’ve been speaking daily. Lately I would be the one to initiate contact if the vibe wasn’t great between us, but I didn’t because I was hoping he would. I guess I would like sisterly advice in this situation and wonder if this is a clear sign of him not being interested?
Thank you for taking the time of reading this.
Idk man, when it comes to replying fast. I’ve had people take their TIME to reply back to me, and eventually it was obvious they didn’t like me as much. And I’ve had people replying to me constantly, too much even, and it was obvious they liked me more. So I’m really going to die on the hill of: if they liked you, there should be no problem regarding communication. And it’s easier to pass this off as, it’s just your insecurity but no, its fucking rude. How can we be getting to know each other and you’re airing me all day?? Sorryyyyyyy
Wallahi let me tell you this girl, and my mum used to tell me this all the time. Stop giving these men grace, and you just watch how they deal with you then. When they only know they have one chance to have your attention, they will be on their best behaviour. When you keep reminding them, ‘ah you need to treat me this way, I don’t like when you do this’ – they are not listening!!!! In fact, they will be like: look at this woman just nagging all day. It will go in one ear and out of the other
As soon as he starts being negligent, or not replying back to you, or airing you even – next time he calls you, say you’re busy. When he wants to see you, say you’re busy. I’m telling you, if he likes you enough, he will be outside your house with flowers and chocolates. Men are so predictable I swear, and they are always nicest to the people who are the harshest with them. Nice gyal just get walked all over
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis I really loved your advice about fear of getting married and having trust issues. You literally explained my fear so well that I feel confident in explaining this to the guy I’m speaking to. I hate that I constantly try to find faults in him overall he seems great but then I start to feel conflicted and overwhelmed with worries about what if this is all an act. I use to tell people in the past that I’m good without dating like I can get to know someone for marriage without having to date them but now I feel it’s hard. I don’t know if these fears will exist if I did date them but I don’t want to anyway. I just want to ask sis can you talk more on what helped you become optimistic and stay optimistic Cus I will feel hopeful one day then the next day I’m questioning things and 90% of the time is not something they say or do is just my negative thoughts all around this fear. I actually don’t know what I’m asking you probably answered this but I just don’t have anyone to help me rationalise this fear
You know what. Within in the first 4 months of my relationship, I was trying to self sabotage so bad. Like I was looking for a reason to not have to commit because the idea of a serious relationship scared me and also, part of me wasn’t even prepared to get in one. When you’re just going with the flow, and all of a sudden, you start seeing a future with this person – you’re like woah, this is not what I was planning. And that feeling is worse for someone like me who is a control freak. Because I don’t do life on a whim, I always have to anticipate something and prepare accordingly. I never ever threw caution to the wind, especially with dating. Ideally, I wanted to find someone when I was looking to settle down, because then I would have been more ready. But because this happened during a time I genuinely did not need to be in a relationship, I kept looking for stuff that would justify my anxiousness. And I could find nothing, in fact more reason why I should take that leap of faith. I won’t lie, it took me a while to be optimistic. Not about him, but where it was going.
You know what was worse, I’m usually that one friend everyone goes to to confide in with their experiences. I have a good ear and I never relay back information (mainly because its in my own best interests to play dumb) – but yeah, when you are the confidant to so many people, naturally you will absorb every bad story you have heard. It got to the point I was so clued up, I could tell which man was on fuckshit. And even when a good one approached me, I still knew in the back of my mind men are capable of anything.
So when it came to commitment, I focused on one question. After 6 months of being together, I decided I couldn’t imagine life with anyone else – and after that, it was simple. I feel like in certain point of a relationship, the choice will come up randomly and you’ll choose what you want within yourself. Why do you think a lot of people usually break up towards the 6/7/8 month mark. Because around that time, you know deep down what it is. I know that because my 1st ever bf, we broke up exactly 6 months. And it happened with my sisters and some of my friends too.
Once you make that decision its easy. Then its about being realistic. Even if you have a man looking after you, he has all the money in the world. You have to be smart. Finish school, start your career before having babies. Save up, even whilst you’re married. Get legally married. Some may disagree but having only two kids give you more room to move, and to nurture your relationship. Kids put a lot of strain on a marriage, and naturally husband/wives won’t have that much time for just each other. I feel like having too many kids in this climate is risky.
But even before all of this, you need to know the person you’re with man. Ask the right questions. Don’t ignore red flags. You have to figure out thoroughly if this partner is the right one to marry. Its true what they say, just loving them is not enough. Are they willing to make sacrifices for their happiness, are they willing to make sacrifices for your happiness? Have those uncomfortable conversations. You have to thoroughly and exhaustively discuss and consider the things which frequently lead to marital strife and divorce. And if he shows you his true self, believe it. This is another problem with women, idk if naturally we are afraid of being confrontational, but when it comes to marriage, you have to be. If you see something you don’t like, deal with it accordingly.
Anon
3 years ago
I met this guy a few years ago and it became obvious that he liked me. I liked him too. We started talking and then he asked me my age. It turned out there was a pretty big age gap with him being 6 years younger than me. We stopped talking after that but I still am hung up on him dispute our big age gap. Please help me get over him!
My good sis, that should be enough to put you off of him. Gaddamn 6 years??
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis, so you said that leaving your upper lip hair leaves a shadow. Threading, shaving, tweaking, waxing, cream? I’ve always ignored it lol but your like the second person mentioning it. What would you recommend for a first timer.
Go to an eyebrow shop, and ask to get your top lip waxed. Its a fiver and they do it really good.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis am scared of marriage too img just like the other post but mine is most insecurity driver. I believe in love and life is all about it, family friends and having a significant other that’s to the things that matter in both Dunya and akhirah. And people always mentions this so during the end of their life. Am just scared that the version my man sees of me with makeup, dressed up all happy and bubbly isn’t really me. I don’t know if I am fake or not. Am scared to be scene looking not cute. Or in my bed with my regular clothes. The human me. My Ls ive taken in the past etc. Am scared of all that. Likepeople love those kind of people which is why I put all that on and really am just average. There is dinner girls he can pick. Girls that like to be cute all the time. It’s not that I do t have that I think am amazing if I say so lol but scared of not being seen. People always tell u to be vulnerable but it’s like yeh people always talk about the good stuff when it works out but what about the ones where it doesn’t. Like what if I am not accepted there’s no guide on how to navigate that
I feel like you’re just more concerned about being your natural self whilst you live together.
I think it’s important to differentiate between nervousness and fear. The nervousness is usually a mix of many different emotions, from excitement to the anxiety of uncertainty. There is a certain type of fear that is associated with shame, and as a community we need to be cognizant of the types of narratives that produce shame around intimacy. One form of trauma is sexual trauma, not in terms of experiencing assault, but of religious narratives that associate shame with sexuality. The reason why it’s a form of trauma is because sexuality is inherent to human nature, and so when you associate it with shame, we become disconnected from our own nature. Apparently, within religious communities especially, it is a big problem. Many people experience for instance physical contact as something that induces feelings of shame instead of intimacy and closeness. For a lot of people, fear of intimacy is an underlying reason why marriage is happening later and later in life. And a lot of the reasons why women are so nervous to live with their new husbands. Like come on. Your whole life you have been told, don’t look at men, don’t talk to them – some girls used to even get punched up by their parents if they caught them talking to boys. Now all of a sudden its okay? You can show your hair to your husband? You can share a bed with him?
That on top of seeing you naturally before you’ve made yourself is another big worry. But I’m telling you, after a while, men don’t care. Also I advise when girls get married, or even before to get used to being in your natural state when you’re with someone awhile. It’s a lot of stress being put together all the time. And its not realistic. Who has time to be getting dressed up 24/7.
Also, honestly men don’t notice that much……yes he may notice your lips aren’t as bright red or maybe your eyes aren’t so pronounced, if he really thinks about it, but after awhile a person starts seeing the whole person, not just the surface of who they see when they first meet each other. So you and your future husband inshallah should value each other as not just a pretty face or body by now, there are other reasons you want to be together; so I’m sure you and he will see each other as the whole package.
As grown ups most of us realised another person isn’t going to be 100% all the time, neither are we and no one really wants to make a big deal about it for the other person, or have the same done in return; especially when one cares for someone. So I can pretty much guarantee he will barely notice if you show up with no makeup on, and he won’t mention it. Plus men don’t know shit about makeup, and they also usually don’t notice it; even if he does think you changed something about your appearance, he won’t be able to identify what the difference is.
So the issue really isn’t about what your future spouse may think but with your confidence. So if it will help, do it a little bit at a time, don’t wear mascara one night and then drop the lipstick then next time. You may feel more comfortable if you gradually go for a cleaner look over time.
Anon
3 years ago
Hii sisters💕💕💕I love this page btw may allah bless you two x1000 ameen
My dilemma is when I’m out and about i get a lot of guys looking at me but they never try anything it’s so fustrating, I know I’m a good looking girl Alahumabarik but I just get approached online and I hate that lmao I’ve always said I’d rather meet someone in person, for example today I saw a very good looking Somali brother out and he kept looking and walking 10x where I was standing and kept looking at me shopping and I was thinking just approach me lmao it was getting awkward so I just left the shop. Idk I’ve got a few times I’m not that approachable lmao and apparently I’m intimidating idk what that means. I was going to ask how do you get a guy to come approach you??help a sister out all these Somali guys know to do is stare
We assume a lot of men have confidence when they reality is, they really don’t. They are so afraid of rejection and also, they know 90% of the time a woman wants to be left alone in public. You can’t have take a passive approach in this day and age I feel like. Which is why people suggest, if you want a man to approach you, you have to strategic position yourself so its easier for him to.
1) Ask them a question. It could be as dumb as do you know where the toilets are, or if you’re in a shopping centre – do you think this will look good on me?
Honestly idk how many times I used one of those bars before looool. Think about it, in their mind, you’ve given the only opportunity they have in that moment to approach you – and they’re gonna take it.
2) Make a joke.
Say something really sarcastic that would make him laugh. Especially when they’d assume you’d compliment them, its so much funnier when you say something about you instead. “I know I look good but surely you don’t have to stare at me all day” – “I mean not sure if you’ve noticed, but I just wanted to let you know.. I have the most beautiful eyes.” – like it doesn’t have to be the funniest joke, anything you say to a guy that’s feeling you will have them cracking up like that Drake meme. As long as you’re not serious and you say a joke to break the tension, they’re laughing.
Anon
3 years ago
I’m islamically married to my first cousin from back home. A month into my marriage, after I came back to the UK, and the more I was getting to know him, I felt myself becoming less and less attracted and more distant. I can’t be myself around him because he doesn’t understand my references, my humour, my job, anything that I watch/listen to, etc. Likewise with him, he would message me things he found interesting and I just couldn’t get into them. He is actually a great guy from the heart because I have been very honest with my feelings towards him and he hasn’t been hurtful or revengeful. In fact he is so patient and tries to understand, even when I myself don’t understand my feelings. The thought of being intimate with him or spending the rest of my life with him fills me with anxiety though because I genuinely don’t think I could, or even if we have children, I wouldn’t be able to provide them with parents that truly love and respect each other (my own parents are still in love, alhamdulliah, even though they’re now grandparents so I have grown up appreciating that example of a successful marriage mA). I feel like I severely settled with my husband not because I feel like I deserve someone “better” (whatever that means) but because I don’t connect with him, even on a friendship level. I don’t think I’m too picky either because I just want that connection – I know not everyone marries who they fall in love with so I am realistic that I might not have fireworks or that “in love” feeling with my husband. But I don’t feel anything for my current husband. I feel numb and I don’t even tell him my good or bad news.
I have told my parents and they have said the classic line of “it’ll come after you live together” but by then it’ll be too late if there is no connection. I don’t want to bring him over, just for him to potentially have to go back because it didn’t work out.
At the same time I am scared of the big unknown. I am approaching 29 and I don’t know what the world is like for Asian female divorcees, though I know its not an amazing scene full of opportunities. A part of me wants to take the plunge and divorce, and just work on myself and if a husband and kids are in my kismet, they’ll come and if not, at least I followed my heart. But when I follow my head I feel like I will never meet a man as patient or as caring as my current husband, and maybe not having a connection with him would be fine if he’s still able to be a good father and general companion in life. I just don’t want to grow to resent him and treat him badly because I’d be coming home to someone I don’t feel anything for, and take out my stresses on him (I work a corporate job with long, stressful hours). My head is a mess and I have prayed countless amounts of times to Allah to guide me to what is best. I haven’t prayed Istikhara or Tajahud namaz though so I definitely need to get onto that. Any advice would be so appreciated, thank you x
If it’s like this a month in, it’ll only get worse. Even if you don’t feel it now, the resentment will bubble to the surface eventually. You both deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and it seems both of you aren’t that for each other.
No amount of advice is going to make this relationship better. Not living together, nothing. The fact is, if you were incompatible before, it doesn’t get better with marriage, it degrades further into more ruin.
What’s more worse than being stuck? I have no doubts that what you’re thinking of doing is shit. No one wants to be divorced. But also staying in an unhappy marriage is not going to make everything magically better. You have to remind yourself what you’re doing this for. You’re doing this because you want to be happy. Whether you’re 29, 35, 50. Everyday is another opportunity to try again, the earlier the better. Don’t waste more years you could be spending trying again and formulating new relationships on something that is categorically not making you happy.
But I understand why you would feel guilt and some apprehension. In many ways it’s selfish of you because you’re doing this to save yourself. But in many ways it’s selfless of you too. In many ways it’s reckless at the same time. And that it’s deliberate and intentional. It’s good at the same time and it’s bad.
You have to be able to live with the contradictions and conflicting emotions. Once you are willing to walk through those, you are ready to pull the trigger and do what needs to be done. Don’t be a passenger
Also in general, before making a big decision, it is always good to pray istikara.
To the girl who wanted to get married to an Arab footballer I say you get someone from your family that your parents like and respect a lot and get them to speak to ur parents.
But if it doesn’t work out DO NOT DISOBEY your parents I repeat DO NOT disobey them.
Wallahi it’s for the best your gonna have to take the L and keep it stepping.
I’ve seen and witnessed the result of disobeying your parents through my own experiences and others, numerous times.I’ve seen the effects enough to beg you not to go against them and to pray to Allah to make them accept if it’s good for you.
because Ultimately Allah is All-Wise and he knows what’s best for you better than your own-selves. So if it doesn’t work out don’t become disheartened but know that Allah has something better planned for you.
Also I know you think you have made you’re decision already but you need to pray Istikhara to finalise your decision- After praying it signs not to marry him may pop up.
— ANON
Hi
I’ve recently married, my 3rd marriage. I met someone I thought I was going to spend my life with. I was so happy as he is/was everything I wanted in a spouse only for him to tell me after a month of being married, he doesn’t feel a “connection” with me or that he “hasn’t fallen in love with me”. He left to “think” whether he wants me or not. It’s been nearly a month now.
Please advise me, is this normal as I’ve never heard this happen to anyone before. Please don’t post this on twitter.
Thank you
What is the difference between all 3 marriages? If you can find similarities between all three men, you’re doing something wrong. Whilst I know marriages can turn on its head very quickly, after the first divorce, that should be a lesson. What went wrong there, you know to avoid when you start meeting potential spouses for a 2nd marriage. Not all 2nd marriages bound to work either, but whatever you have seen from both of these experiences, again you’ll avoid with the 3rd marriage.
If you want to reflect, try to figure out what the parallels are. In each of those situations, the wisdom that comes with age and in this case experience, can override love imo. Humans are faulty creatures, but if you get burnt once, and twice, even if you get burnt a third time by chance, you would have been able to anticipate it. Even if you tried to ignore it
When people divorce and do not take the opportunity to learn from their divorce, they take all their crud and beliefs about relationships into their next marriage. If you were cheated on for example, you may take your dented ability to trust into the new marriage. Hurts, low self-esteem, anger it all needs to be handled beforehand if remarriage is going to have a chance. Also blaming your last spouse for all the problems in that marriage and the divorce doesn’t fair well for any future marriages. As long as you are playing the blame game, you aren’t able to focus on the role you played in the problems in your last marriage. If you don’t identify and fix relationship issues you have, you carry them into every relationship you have.
Rebound relationships that end in marriage rarely ever work. Men marry too quickly after a divorce because they don’t like being alone. Women remarry too quickly because they desire financial security. Two very bad reasons to rush from one marriage to another. Also, If you meet someone who has failed in business, has failed familial relationships, is someone who seems to have a losing streak just in general, you may want to think twice before marrying them. Yes, I understand that some people have bad look or hard knocks in life and, that it is not a character flaw. BUT, some people are forever victims of “circumstances beyond their control.” Marrying people for their potential instead of what is right in front of you almost always leads to breakdown in relationships, marriage or nah
Regardless of how this man feels towards you, my genuine advice is to take a time out. Because this will lower your self esteem. Before you remarry after divorce, take time to heal, to get to know yourself and come to terms with the fact that you don’t need marriage to be happy and satisfied.
Being alone after divorce is a great lesson teacher. You will learn to like your own company. You will learn new relationship skills. You will learn you don’t NEED a partner and go out and find a proper one when you start WANTING a new partner. You feel me?
Hey girl so,
I’m 21 and I’ve never been “chased” or moved to as much as I hear other girls my age saying they are. I feel like as soon as I catch feelings for someone I start making it obvious or I get impatient and self sabotage it. I also think most guys are scared to try it on with me because I’m extroverted and I just do things without worrying what people think.
Just chill. Once you change your attitude with dating in general, you won’t come across as excited as much. In general, I remember I used to do this too, I just thought if I liked a guy so much – I’m already imagining the wedding and kids. And in hindsight, when I was younger, I probably came off too strong and it never worked out. But as soon as I changed that mindset, it was like all the attention, the spoiling I wanted, it kept coming out of nowhere.
I think generally men are attracted to women who are independent, strong, intelligent, secure in themselves and don’t put up with shit. That’s what’s sexy and attractive to them. If you’re the whole package, that’s what’s going to make them want to “take you off the market”, so to speak. When its obvious you’re insecure and are desperate to just be in a relationship, men just take you fi ediat because they know you’re rather put up with their shit than be single. But when they know, the minute they try to do fuckeries, you’re already gone before they have a chance to even blink.
Hi! I’ve been talking with this guy and things were going great at the beginning. We both made our intentions clear and I had set my boundaries and wants/needs. I opened up a little bit about my anxiety and depression because I started projecting stuff on him. It feels like that was for nothing. I’ve explained (multiple times) that I would appreciate it if he doesn’t take hours to reply and keep me in the loop throughout the day. I don’t expect us to text every second of the day, but not hearing from him for 5-8 hours really triggers me. The good morning texts have stopped as well. I am in therapy btw so I’m trying to work on my stuff. But it feels like he doesn’t care how his actions affect me and it’s like I’m begging for the bare minimum. Mind you, it didn’t take him this long to text first. At the beginning he was very consistent in pursuing and made it clear he wanted me. He would even apologize for replying late or not calling on the time we had set. Now it feels like I’m the one putting the most effort and doing all the calling. I feel very anxious and sad about it because it feels like my mental health always gets the best of me. And the men that pursue me never take it seriously or in consideration. We had a little argument because of him not checking up on me at all but I saw him post on his insta (I didn’t mention the IG part). I havent spoken to him since for a whole day. This is the first time because we’ve been speaking daily. Lately I would be the one to initiate contact if the vibe wasn’t great between us, but I didn’t because I was hoping he would. I guess I would like sisterly advice in this situation and wonder if this is a clear sign of him not being interested?
Thank you for taking the time of reading this.
Idk man, when it comes to replying fast. I’ve had people take their TIME to reply back to me, and eventually it was obvious they didn’t like me as much. And I’ve had people replying to me constantly, too much even, and it was obvious they liked me more. So I’m really going to die on the hill of: if they liked you, there should be no problem regarding communication. And it’s easier to pass this off as, it’s just your insecurity but no, its fucking rude. How can we be getting to know each other and you’re airing me all day?? Sorryyyyyyy
Wallahi let me tell you this girl, and my mum used to tell me this all the time. Stop giving these men grace, and you just watch how they deal with you then. When they only know they have one chance to have your attention, they will be on their best behaviour. When you keep reminding them, ‘ah you need to treat me this way, I don’t like when you do this’ – they are not listening!!!! In fact, they will be like: look at this woman just nagging all day. It will go in one ear and out of the other
As soon as he starts being negligent, or not replying back to you, or airing you even – next time he calls you, say you’re busy. When he wants to see you, say you’re busy. I’m telling you, if he likes you enough, he will be outside your house with flowers and chocolates. Men are so predictable I swear, and they are always nicest to the people who are the harshest with them. Nice gyal just get walked all over
Hey sis I really loved your advice about fear of getting married and having trust issues. You literally explained my fear so well that I feel confident in explaining this to the guy I’m speaking to. I hate that I constantly try to find faults in him overall he seems great but then I start to feel conflicted and overwhelmed with worries about what if this is all an act. I use to tell people in the past that I’m good without dating like I can get to know someone for marriage without having to date them but now I feel it’s hard. I don’t know if these fears will exist if I did date them but I don’t want to anyway. I just want to ask sis can you talk more on what helped you become optimistic and stay optimistic Cus I will feel hopeful one day then the next day I’m questioning things and 90% of the time is not something they say or do is just my negative thoughts all around this fear. I actually don’t know what I’m asking you probably answered this but I just don’t have anyone to help me rationalise this fear
You know what. Within in the first 4 months of my relationship, I was trying to self sabotage so bad. Like I was looking for a reason to not have to commit because the idea of a serious relationship scared me and also, part of me wasn’t even prepared to get in one. When you’re just going with the flow, and all of a sudden, you start seeing a future with this person – you’re like woah, this is not what I was planning. And that feeling is worse for someone like me who is a control freak. Because I don’t do life on a whim, I always have to anticipate something and prepare accordingly. I never ever threw caution to the wind, especially with dating. Ideally, I wanted to find someone when I was looking to settle down, because then I would have been more ready. But because this happened during a time I genuinely did not need to be in a relationship, I kept looking for stuff that would justify my anxiousness. And I could find nothing, in fact more reason why I should take that leap of faith. I won’t lie, it took me a while to be optimistic. Not about him, but where it was going.
You know what was worse, I’m usually that one friend everyone goes to to confide in with their experiences. I have a good ear and I never relay back information (mainly because its in my own best interests to play dumb) – but yeah, when you are the confidant to so many people, naturally you will absorb every bad story you have heard. It got to the point I was so clued up, I could tell which man was on fuckshit. And even when a good one approached me, I still knew in the back of my mind men are capable of anything.
So when it came to commitment, I focused on one question. After 6 months of being together, I decided I couldn’t imagine life with anyone else – and after that, it was simple. I feel like in certain point of a relationship, the choice will come up randomly and you’ll choose what you want within yourself. Why do you think a lot of people usually break up towards the 6/7/8 month mark. Because around that time, you know deep down what it is. I know that because my 1st ever bf, we broke up exactly 6 months. And it happened with my sisters and some of my friends too.
Once you make that decision its easy. Then its about being realistic. Even if you have a man looking after you, he has all the money in the world. You have to be smart. Finish school, start your career before having babies. Save up, even whilst you’re married. Get legally married. Some may disagree but having only two kids give you more room to move, and to nurture your relationship. Kids put a lot of strain on a marriage, and naturally husband/wives won’t have that much time for just each other. I feel like having too many kids in this climate is risky.
But even before all of this, you need to know the person you’re with man. Ask the right questions. Don’t ignore red flags. You have to figure out thoroughly if this partner is the right one to marry. Its true what they say, just loving them is not enough. Are they willing to make sacrifices for their happiness, are they willing to make sacrifices for your happiness? Have those uncomfortable conversations. You have to thoroughly and exhaustively discuss and consider the things which frequently lead to marital strife and divorce. And if he shows you his true self, believe it. This is another problem with women, idk if naturally we are afraid of being confrontational, but when it comes to marriage, you have to be. If you see something you don’t like, deal with it accordingly.
I met this guy a few years ago and it became obvious that he liked me. I liked him too. We started talking and then he asked me my age. It turned out there was a pretty big age gap with him being 6 years younger than me. We stopped talking after that but I still am hung up on him dispute our big age gap. Please help me get over him!
6 YEARS *in my nella rose voice*
SIX YEARS?? younger than you??
My good sis, that should be enough to put you off of him. Gaddamn 6 years??
Hey sis, so you said that leaving your upper lip hair leaves a shadow. Threading, shaving, tweaking, waxing, cream? I’ve always ignored it lol but your like the second person mentioning it. What would you recommend for a first timer.
Go to an eyebrow shop, and ask to get your top lip waxed. Its a fiver and they do it really good.
Hey sis am scared of marriage too img just like the other post but mine is most insecurity driver. I believe in love and life is all about it, family friends and having a significant other that’s to the things that matter in both Dunya and akhirah. And people always mentions this so during the end of their life. Am just scared that the version my man sees of me with makeup, dressed up all happy and bubbly isn’t really me. I don’t know if I am fake or not. Am scared to be scene looking not cute. Or in my bed with my regular clothes. The human me. My Ls ive taken in the past etc. Am scared of all that. Likepeople love those kind of people which is why I put all that on and really am just average. There is dinner girls he can pick. Girls that like to be cute all the time. It’s not that I do t have that I think am amazing if I say so lol but scared of not being seen. People always tell u to be vulnerable but it’s like yeh people always talk about the good stuff when it works out but what about the ones where it doesn’t. Like what if I am not accepted there’s no guide on how to navigate that
I feel like you’re just more concerned about being your natural self whilst you live together.
I think it’s important to differentiate between nervousness and fear. The nervousness is usually a mix of many different emotions, from excitement to the anxiety of uncertainty. There is a certain type of fear that is associated with shame, and as a community we need to be cognizant of the types of narratives that produce shame around intimacy. One form of trauma is sexual trauma, not in terms of experiencing assault, but of religious narratives that associate shame with sexuality. The reason why it’s a form of trauma is because sexuality is inherent to human nature, and so when you associate it with shame, we become disconnected from our own nature. Apparently, within religious communities especially, it is a big problem. Many people experience for instance physical contact as something that induces feelings of shame instead of intimacy and closeness. For a lot of people, fear of intimacy is an underlying reason why marriage is happening later and later in life. And a lot of the reasons why women are so nervous to live with their new husbands. Like come on. Your whole life you have been told, don’t look at men, don’t talk to them – some girls used to even get punched up by their parents if they caught them talking to boys. Now all of a sudden its okay? You can show your hair to your husband? You can share a bed with him?
That on top of seeing you naturally before you’ve made yourself is another big worry. But I’m telling you, after a while, men don’t care. Also I advise when girls get married, or even before to get used to being in your natural state when you’re with someone awhile. It’s a lot of stress being put together all the time. And its not realistic. Who has time to be getting dressed up 24/7.
Also, honestly men don’t notice that much……yes he may notice your lips aren’t as bright red or maybe your eyes aren’t so pronounced, if he really thinks about it, but after awhile a person starts seeing the whole person, not just the surface of who they see when they first meet each other. So you and your future husband inshallah should value each other as not just a pretty face or body by now, there are other reasons you want to be together; so I’m sure you and he will see each other as the whole package.
As grown ups most of us realised another person isn’t going to be 100% all the time, neither are we and no one really wants to make a big deal about it for the other person, or have the same done in return; especially when one cares for someone. So I can pretty much guarantee he will barely notice if you show up with no makeup on, and he won’t mention it. Plus men don’t know shit about makeup, and they also usually don’t notice it; even if he does think you changed something about your appearance, he won’t be able to identify what the difference is.
So the issue really isn’t about what your future spouse may think but with your confidence. So if it will help, do it a little bit at a time, don’t wear mascara one night and then drop the lipstick then next time. You may feel more comfortable if you gradually go for a cleaner look over time.
Hii sisters💕💕💕I love this page btw may allah bless you two x1000 ameen
My dilemma is when I’m out and about i get a lot of guys looking at me but they never try anything it’s so fustrating, I know I’m a good looking girl Alahumabarik but I just get approached online and I hate that lmao I’ve always said I’d rather meet someone in person, for example today I saw a very good looking Somali brother out and he kept looking and walking 10x where I was standing and kept looking at me shopping and I was thinking just approach me lmao it was getting awkward so I just left the shop. Idk I’ve got a few times I’m not that approachable lmao and apparently I’m intimidating idk what that means. I was going to ask how do you get a guy to come approach you??help a sister out all these Somali guys know to do is stare
We assume a lot of men have confidence when they reality is, they really don’t. They are so afraid of rejection and also, they know 90% of the time a woman wants to be left alone in public. You can’t have take a passive approach in this day and age I feel like. Which is why people suggest, if you want a man to approach you, you have to strategic position yourself so its easier for him to.
1) Ask them a question. It could be as dumb as do you know where the toilets are, or if you’re in a shopping centre – do you think this will look good on me?
Honestly idk how many times I used one of those bars before looool. Think about it, in their mind, you’ve given the only opportunity they have in that moment to approach you – and they’re gonna take it.
2) Make a joke.
Say something really sarcastic that would make him laugh. Especially when they’d assume you’d compliment them, its so much funnier when you say something about you instead. “I know I look good but surely you don’t have to stare at me all day” – “I mean not sure if you’ve noticed, but I just wanted to let you know.. I have the most beautiful eyes.” – like it doesn’t have to be the funniest joke, anything you say to a guy that’s feeling you will have them cracking up like that Drake meme. As long as you’re not serious and you say a joke to break the tension, they’re laughing.
I’m islamically married to my first cousin from back home. A month into my marriage, after I came back to the UK, and the more I was getting to know him, I felt myself becoming less and less attracted and more distant. I can’t be myself around him because he doesn’t understand my references, my humour, my job, anything that I watch/listen to, etc. Likewise with him, he would message me things he found interesting and I just couldn’t get into them. He is actually a great guy from the heart because I have been very honest with my feelings towards him and he hasn’t been hurtful or revengeful. In fact he is so patient and tries to understand, even when I myself don’t understand my feelings. The thought of being intimate with him or spending the rest of my life with him fills me with anxiety though because I genuinely don’t think I could, or even if we have children, I wouldn’t be able to provide them with parents that truly love and respect each other (my own parents are still in love, alhamdulliah, even though they’re now grandparents so I have grown up appreciating that example of a successful marriage mA). I feel like I severely settled with my husband not because I feel like I deserve someone “better” (whatever that means) but because I don’t connect with him, even on a friendship level. I don’t think I’m too picky either because I just want that connection – I know not everyone marries who they fall in love with so I am realistic that I might not have fireworks or that “in love” feeling with my husband. But I don’t feel anything for my current husband. I feel numb and I don’t even tell him my good or bad news.
I have told my parents and they have said the classic line of “it’ll come after you live together” but by then it’ll be too late if there is no connection. I don’t want to bring him over, just for him to potentially have to go back because it didn’t work out.
At the same time I am scared of the big unknown. I am approaching 29 and I don’t know what the world is like for Asian female divorcees, though I know its not an amazing scene full of opportunities. A part of me wants to take the plunge and divorce, and just work on myself and if a husband and kids are in my kismet, they’ll come and if not, at least I followed my heart. But when I follow my head I feel like I will never meet a man as patient or as caring as my current husband, and maybe not having a connection with him would be fine if he’s still able to be a good father and general companion in life. I just don’t want to grow to resent him and treat him badly because I’d be coming home to someone I don’t feel anything for, and take out my stresses on him (I work a corporate job with long, stressful hours). My head is a mess and I have prayed countless amounts of times to Allah to guide me to what is best. I haven’t prayed Istikhara or Tajahud namaz though so I definitely need to get onto that. Any advice would be so appreciated, thank you x
Divorce babe divorce
If it’s like this a month in, it’ll only get worse. Even if you don’t feel it now, the resentment will bubble to the surface eventually. You both deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and it seems both of you aren’t that for each other.
No amount of advice is going to make this relationship better. Not living together, nothing. The fact is, if you were incompatible before, it doesn’t get better with marriage, it degrades further into more ruin.
What’s more worse than being stuck? I have no doubts that what you’re thinking of doing is shit. No one wants to be divorced. But also staying in an unhappy marriage is not going to make everything magically better. You have to remind yourself what you’re doing this for. You’re doing this because you want to be happy. Whether you’re 29, 35, 50. Everyday is another opportunity to try again, the earlier the better. Don’t waste more years you could be spending trying again and formulating new relationships on something that is categorically not making you happy.
But I understand why you would feel guilt and some apprehension. In many ways it’s selfish of you because you’re doing this to save yourself. But in many ways it’s selfless of you too. In many ways it’s reckless at the same time. And that it’s deliberate and intentional. It’s good at the same time and it’s bad.
You have to be able to live with the contradictions and conflicting emotions. Once you are willing to walk through those, you are ready to pull the trigger and do what needs to be done. Don’t be a passenger
Also in general, before making a big decision, it is always good to pray istikara.