There were literally so many to get through. Usually I will have to draft them because of there are alot of grammatically mistakes, and then pick which one of what week. And your girl has been having assignments. But yes this week sunday we are back on.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey Lula,
I recently met this guy and he’s amazing n ticks all my boxes but im in london and he’s in Canada. I don’t know how I can be in uni and still be married or for that even have kids whilst im in uni since im doing a very long course and he can’t leave Canada as he has his business there. I’ve tried thinking of a way but I honestly don’t know how we could make a long distance relationship work and we was initially planning on getting married this year. Could you please help me come with a solution since the only time we could see each other is when it’s holidays or when he comes down but even then it’s a short time and I’ll be in uni for the next four years.
You guys need to be realistic. How are you guys even talking about marriage when you haven’t touched on the practical aspect of this long distant relationship. Who is moving where? Do you guys know about the visa application process? The cost, whether you’ll be able to work etc. I’m gonna be honest with you, you said you’re going to be in uni for 4 years and he is still going to be in Canada. What is the point of getting married? How is a marriage title going to change your relationship? You guys are still going to be doing long distance. And you’re still going to be apart for 4 years.
I wouldn’t even get married. Literally what is the point. I will continue this relationship how it is, and maybe if you decide one day you have a better option in London – at least you won’t be tied down in a marriage. Don’t get married if you’re not going to enjoy what comes with it. Because you’re getting all the cons and none of the pros. Just my opinion anyway
Anon
3 years ago
I think I spend like £400 on my man’s bday I feel like throwing up but We’ve been together a year known him for 4 he constantly spoils me and is so Good to me so this is acceptable right because what is wrong with me
Also it’s our anniversary coming up I shouldn’t get anyrhifn right? Help
hmmmmm 400 i will allow you only because of inflation.
For your anniversary definitely get him something. But something that is sentimental, priceless. Don’t start the trend of getting him stuff thats expensive, because he will expect that every year. Even sentimental things can be costly, but its more about what it is. For my first anniversary, I went to a bidding place outside of london to bid for a signed Invisible football shirt. Took me the whole day to get it, and my husband loved it. To this day he hangs it up in his office.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi guys. Forwarding this on behalf of a friend that needs advice:
Hi sisters. I hope you’re well, I feel like I’m in a predicament and need proper advice. I’ve been married for 9 months, it was a traditional marriage so we didn’t date etc at the start. Once we were together my husband was more forward, more affectionate than me because I was finding it difficult to connect with him, I found being intimate hard because I felt like we didn’t align and I wasn’t sure if he was the type of man I’m even into. He spoke to me about my lack of affection and I expressed my feelings and said that we’ll work more on those things. We get along as friends, but I always forget to initiate as I’m never in the mood and I feel like this has started to affect him over time. He too has become more distant, less affectionate than his usual self and now we’re borderline living like friends/roommates. He can see and sense that I love and respect him but he can also see that there isn’t passion between us, just lots of banter. Am I in the wrong? Or am I just experiencing something that can occur in a relationship? I’ve suggested to date more, that he should gift me more etc as he’s never done this and sometimes I don’t feel like his girl, which makes me behave like a friend more than a wife. He doesn’t get the feminine out of me. I’m trying to fix things and turn things around between us because in the end he is a good man but I’m stuck.
The problem is that you are treating affection as a job skill instead of it being just for love and love’s sake. You’re not inherently a bad person. It’s good that you can recognise the problems in your relationships. The problem is simple: You are extremely cold towards your husband, your role in contributing to the issue, you’ve kind of articulated what you want i.e: more dates and more gifts.
But the problem is, you think this is more of his problem rather than yours too. It’s 50/50 here, and ngl I have to be honest with you. You need to stop depriving your relationship of love and affection. That is a big deal. No one deserves an unloving partner. Compounds the problem. Somehow you’ve got to break the ice and find some middle ground. Relationships are just like a garden that needs tending.
When it comes to sex, communicate what you want from him. Start there, with your needs, your enjoyment, your experience. You can’t just deprive your husband of sex and assume he will be okay with it. That has probably taken a toll on his self esteem a bit, and is probably why he has become so distant.
You’re right, in order for you to be that for him, he needs to be what you want for you. Tell it to him straight, every week we should go out on a date. Dress up, look sexy and shower him with compliments. Do bonding activities, and go home and play card games together. Talk about how you love flowers and how it makes you feel good. He will get it for you!
I know women think it’s a man who has to be the one that makes the change, but contrary to popular belief, men are not that good of a leader. You need to be the one that shows him how to get there, say exactly what it is you want. Whenever he is being romantic, be that feminine queen to him. Once he sees that, he’ll be more inclined to do more. But when you’re constantly met with rejection, you’re not going to want to try. Keep giving him positive reinforcements.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey, you said before you turn to god a lot. Have you always had a good relationship, did you always turn to him. Why is this. Any tips to better relationship with god x
My relationship with illahi is very personal. Even when I got shipped, although I was going dugsi (Quran school) 5 days a week – I didn’t feel like I had a relationship with God. Now that I’m older, I know it was because of how religion was presented to me at that time. When you see niggas get beat up for messing up a single verse, you have the attitude of: I just need to get this right rather than actually understanding fully what the word of illahi was. 14 months of going dugsi, finishing up to half of the Quran and yet I did not know what I was reading. Also I know part of that is because of the language barrier, when you’re in Somalia and you have an accent, even if you can speak the language – the way people flog you for getting your nuances wrong. It makes you not want to speak or ask questions. My main focus was just get through the lesson without getting a piece of the tuubada (hose).
I think I got closer to God properly when I was like 13. I had a big accident, physically it was traumatic and even though I got better, I’d hear stuff like “You have a however much percentage of so and so working back to normal.” So you know what I started doing, its so funny now but its kinda cute. Every night I’d be like “Please God if you do this, I’m gonna do xyz” and I used to say that every night. And the next day I’d be doing exactly what I promised to God I would do. Bruv I think at one point I even said I’ll go to my aunt and apologise for giving her attitude. It’s so funny now but Alhamdulilah when it was official I was completely recovered, I’d be like damn so it worked?
And then I started doing that with everything. Wallahi I never complain, because for me hope is my biggest coping mechanism. And because I saw how quickly my dua was accepted, I had faith it would work. And if it didn’t, there was a reason and I trusted that. Also when you’re a kid, making dua at night feels like you’re talking to the fairy Godmother. Its proper comforting. Likewise I think because my mum was working abroad so much, I didn’t have someone to really complain to. My dad was working all the time, so the only person I could actually turn to without feeling shame was to God. Even though now, my imaan still fluctuates and I’m so far from being a perfect muslim. I still know I’m worthy of Allah’s swt love and mercy. I also removed people who made me feel otherwise. Even when I wore the hijab, can’t tell you how many times ‘gatekeepers’ used to exile and push me further away from the deen.
They’d make jokes like: “Are you sure you’re fasting?” – Just because my mum wasn’t at home to make a big iftaar, so they’d assume I was just eating.
“Look at you praying because you want xyz to rate you” – whenever I started to pray. You know when you hear stuff like that, you’re just like, ffs I give up
“You don’t even wear your hijab properly” – I was just finding ways to get comfortable and still feel pretty in the hijab
Just mad stuff like that. The only real encouragement I ever got was from my best friends, and their parents. But people who I thought were the most knowledgeable to me, ironically made me the least confident with my imaan. Honestly you know the stuff the shaytaan says to people, “you might as well do this if you’re not that great” – that’s what it felt like. It feels like they’re the embodiment of the shaytaan. Being around people who used their knowledge of the deen as some sort of status symbol to discourage other people from being like them. It was giving a whole lot of “you can’t sit with us”
When I stopped giving access to people like that, I felt so much better. It doesn’t feel like people are watching you with the intention to criticise. Everyday I can just focus on getting closer to the deen and each milestone I reach, I get to be so proud of myself rather than feeling ‘oh lets see how long this lasts for’. Like you don’t need to post reminders everyday, make your stories just about the deen. Because it’ll feel like you have more of a social contract to people to stick with this journey you’re on rather than just keeping it personal. When its just about you and your lord, no one can make their assumptions. No one can make you feel like shit.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis,
So I’m 27 and currently wanting to get married and I absolutely suck at dating or the whole dating with the intention to marry so I asked my mom. I completely trust her and I know that she will always my best interests at heart and will find a good man for me. And she did, Mashallah he has a good job that pays really well, straight on his deen and his future and a really good personality. However the only issue is that he’s darkskin. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a colourist but this guy is super dark I didn’t think Somalis come like that. I’ve never really found dark skins attractive and I still don’t. But since everything else ticks the box shall I just compromise?
Also go to a corner somewhere and have a good think about what you just said
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sis, I have a dilemma that am embarrassed about. I married young at 19, I was in university at the time and my husband was umeployed and on the roads. I know it was dumb and irresponsible at the time. Everyone was against it but I was so in love. 3 years married and we’ve been living at my mums house because we can’t afford rent. My husband doesn’t work and hasn’t a day in his life. All he does is smoke weed and chill with his friends. My parents hate him and recently kicked him out after finding out I was giving him pocket money so he could get to places. They’ve now given me an ultimatum and decided either I divorce him and live here or get kicked out. I can’t afford to move out but I still love him deeply. Pls any advice is welcomed.
This man is living a good ass life. Your parents are providing a roof over his head, his food. You give him pocket money. He smokes all day while never doing chores. This husband you speak of might as well be your little brother.
Since he won’t change and since you have the tendency to excuse bad behaviour and enable, I think you should listen to your parents. You are getting walked all over. So, at this point, your choices are
1. Keep getting walked all over
2. Get some therapy so you learn how to stand up for yourself and demand better treatment
Does this man even pray? Does he do anything for you? He honestly does not sound like he wants to build a life with you. To me, that is something that you should re-evaluate. You’re what, 22 now? Is this how you want to live your life? This man literally has not an ounce of shame. I can’t believe he’s gotten away with this for 3 years.
God bless your parents wallahi, because without them you’d be struggling. I’m so shocked he’s even been allowed to live with you guys for that long. Part of me knows its probably because your parents are trying to protect you from yourself. But enough is enough. You are literally the architect to your own failure and I don’t think your parents want to facilitate that anymore. They’ve done more than what other parents would be willing to put up with. If you want to make this bed, you got to lie in it. If not for you, make the best choice for your future kids. Is this the kind of father you’d want for them?
And on that note, I hope you’re stacking up on some birth control
Anon
3 years ago
so i’ve noticed this for a while now (2 years ish) i feel like i’ve outgrew my friends and we don’t talk that much anymore which is fine like it happens it’s life but i do feel like i have no friends or company anymore i’ve been on my own for about 2 years now and it gets lonely don’t get me wrong i love being alone. i love enjoying my own company and i can keep myself entertained for hours it’s not a problem for me. However things like going to the movies, travelling, going out having fun i have no one to do that with?i do have couple of low maintenance friends that i see once every year or so but i want more than that? i want really good solidified friendships, friends who id want to make my bridesmaids friends who i want to go on a girls trip with friends who make me feel good and happy. i know what your going to say go out make friends, meet new people but i honestly can’t im very shy and very socially anxious and also this is way harder than it looks, i don’t know if i can meet anyone at this age (early 20s) where i can form the friendships i’m yearning for, everyone is pretty much in their established groups etc.
Because you are searching for your friends at the end of a “like” button on some social media platform. If you want real friends, you need to sacrifice for real people, and have them sacrifice for you. Your old friends are the friends you are looking for, and you need to nurture those relationships.
Friendships require work, for them to continue long term it requires reciprocation from both parties. When that happens true friendships rise to the top! Don’t have the attitude of, I’m just going to scrap these ones for new ones. It doesn’t work like that. And it’s so much harder to be real friends with people who don’t know you. Because they are less likely to give you grace. I know everyone is busy, and one or both end up not investing too much into it, but if it ever gets back again, for it to continue thriving, it requires some form of “consistency”. I’m not saying you have to talk with that old friend all the time, but have meaningful activities or conversations with them from time to time is key. And for that imo it requires work
Anon
3 years ago
I just read through the dilemmas and one caught my eye which was the girl who had a relationship with a married man and are planning to marry him, I wonder if she ever thought of his wife’s feelings? in the last sentence of her dilemma, she said our future husbands are prob married men but as woman, don’t you feel some type of way of having such feelings for a married man? like being ashamed, disgusted etc since he’s a married man and you should have no business engaging with them. I mean as soon as you found out he was married, your reflexes should be telling you to run away, not run towards him 😭 i’m just bare confused as how she allowed herself doing that to his wife (unless she’s fine with it) but i doubt.
I also feel like, it’s better to encourage women who never been married before to not become someone’s 2nd, 3rd etc wife, you deserve all the attention and full focus on you!
Mate I’m sat here wondering the same things you are
Anon
3 years ago
My husband has been working abroad for the last two years. He’s due back next month and our children are over the moon I’m not sure I feel the same. He isn’t a horrible person quite the opposite actually. He’s kindest hearted person I know, what’s my issue you may ask? Over the years we’ve kind of slipped into a comfortable friendship, we haven’t been romantic with each other in a long time (a year or so before moving abroad) and genuinely treat each other as best friends rather than a couple. I want to be in love again and experience a real relationship that feels more than a friendship. I have spoken to him about our marriage and how I feel i have even tried to make things better by suggesting things we can do together as a couple. His response to me always feels dismissive, he says that I’m just nervous because it’s been so long without him and that although I am his best friend his love for me isn’t that of a friend and that things will work itself out naturally. I just can’t shift this feeling Any words of advice would be highly appreciated
You have to remember that you were individuals with likes/interests and hobbies before becoming a parent. The reality is, you are probably so distant because you’ve spent two years apart. When he comes back, let it just be you two for a while. I know the kids are excited, but those little nigg*as can wait. For the first week that he’s back, let them go off to grandmas or something. During that week, go out, go for dinner, have a romantic night in, do things you wouldn’t usually do – and buy lots of lingerie. It’s important to stay lovers whilst raising kids, and its important to not be complacent either. It’s easier said than done obviously but either way, do you wanna keep living like roommates? No. So lets spruce things up and actively do things that are going to change your situation. My good sis Naima said relationships need maintenance (friendships too) and I agree. You can’t get comfy, because that’s how you lose out on the love. And then when the kids come back, you guys are going to be itching for alone time again
Will there be a sisterverse this week?
Yes!
There were literally so many to get through. Usually I will have to draft them because of there are alot of grammatically mistakes, and then pick which one of what week. And your girl has been having assignments. But yes this week sunday we are back on.
Hey Lula,
I recently met this guy and he’s amazing n ticks all my boxes but im in london and he’s in Canada. I don’t know how I can be in uni and still be married or for that even have kids whilst im in uni since im doing a very long course and he can’t leave Canada as he has his business there. I’ve tried thinking of a way but I honestly don’t know how we could make a long distance relationship work and we was initially planning on getting married this year. Could you please help me come with a solution since the only time we could see each other is when it’s holidays or when he comes down but even then it’s a short time and I’ll be in uni for the next four years.
You guys need to be realistic. How are you guys even talking about marriage when you haven’t touched on the practical aspect of this long distant relationship. Who is moving where? Do you guys know about the visa application process? The cost, whether you’ll be able to work etc. I’m gonna be honest with you, you said you’re going to be in uni for 4 years and he is still going to be in Canada. What is the point of getting married? How is a marriage title going to change your relationship? You guys are still going to be doing long distance. And you’re still going to be apart for 4 years.
I wouldn’t even get married. Literally what is the point. I will continue this relationship how it is, and maybe if you decide one day you have a better option in London – at least you won’t be tied down in a marriage. Don’t get married if you’re not going to enjoy what comes with it. Because you’re getting all the cons and none of the pros. Just my opinion anyway
I think I spend like £400 on my man’s bday I feel like throwing up but We’ve been together a year known him for 4 he constantly spoils me and is so Good to me so this is acceptable right because what is wrong with me
Also it’s our anniversary coming up I shouldn’t get anyrhifn right? Help
hmmmmm 400 i will allow you only because of inflation.
For your anniversary definitely get him something. But something that is sentimental, priceless. Don’t start the trend of getting him stuff thats expensive, because he will expect that every year. Even sentimental things can be costly, but its more about what it is. For my first anniversary, I went to a bidding place outside of london to bid for a signed Invisible football shirt. Took me the whole day to get it, and my husband loved it. To this day he hangs it up in his office.
Hi guys. Forwarding this on behalf of a friend that needs advice:
Hi sisters. I hope you’re well, I feel like I’m in a predicament and need proper advice. I’ve been married for 9 months, it was a traditional marriage so we didn’t date etc at the start. Once we were together my husband was more forward, more affectionate than me because I was finding it difficult to connect with him, I found being intimate hard because I felt like we didn’t align and I wasn’t sure if he was the type of man I’m even into. He spoke to me about my lack of affection and I expressed my feelings and said that we’ll work more on those things. We get along as friends, but I always forget to initiate as I’m never in the mood and I feel like this has started to affect him over time. He too has become more distant, less affectionate than his usual self and now we’re borderline living like friends/roommates. He can see and sense that I love and respect him but he can also see that there isn’t passion between us, just lots of banter. Am I in the wrong? Or am I just experiencing something that can occur in a relationship? I’ve suggested to date more, that he should gift me more etc as he’s never done this and sometimes I don’t feel like his girl, which makes me behave like a friend more than a wife. He doesn’t get the feminine out of me. I’m trying to fix things and turn things around between us because in the end he is a good man but I’m stuck.
The problem is that you are treating affection as a job skill instead of it being just for love and love’s sake. You’re not inherently a bad person. It’s good that you can recognise the problems in your relationships. The problem is simple: You are extremely cold towards your husband, your role in contributing to the issue, you’ve kind of articulated what you want i.e: more dates and more gifts.
But the problem is, you think this is more of his problem rather than yours too. It’s 50/50 here, and ngl I have to be honest with you. You need to stop depriving your relationship of love and affection. That is a big deal. No one deserves an unloving partner. Compounds the problem. Somehow you’ve got to break the ice and find some middle ground. Relationships are just like a garden that needs tending.
When it comes to sex, communicate what you want from him. Start there, with your needs, your enjoyment, your experience. You can’t just deprive your husband of sex and assume he will be okay with it. That has probably taken a toll on his self esteem a bit, and is probably why he has become so distant.
You’re right, in order for you to be that for him, he needs to be what you want for you. Tell it to him straight, every week we should go out on a date. Dress up, look sexy and shower him with compliments. Do bonding activities, and go home and play card games together. Talk about how you love flowers and how it makes you feel good. He will get it for you!
I know women think it’s a man who has to be the one that makes the change, but contrary to popular belief, men are not that good of a leader. You need to be the one that shows him how to get there, say exactly what it is you want. Whenever he is being romantic, be that feminine queen to him. Once he sees that, he’ll be more inclined to do more. But when you’re constantly met with rejection, you’re not going to want to try. Keep giving him positive reinforcements.
Hey, you said before you turn to god a lot. Have you always had a good relationship, did you always turn to him. Why is this. Any tips to better relationship with god x
My relationship with illahi is very personal. Even when I got shipped, although I was going dugsi (Quran school) 5 days a week – I didn’t feel like I had a relationship with God. Now that I’m older, I know it was because of how religion was presented to me at that time. When you see niggas get beat up for messing up a single verse, you have the attitude of: I just need to get this right rather than actually understanding fully what the word of illahi was. 14 months of going dugsi, finishing up to half of the Quran and yet I did not know what I was reading. Also I know part of that is because of the language barrier, when you’re in Somalia and you have an accent, even if you can speak the language – the way people flog you for getting your nuances wrong. It makes you not want to speak or ask questions. My main focus was just get through the lesson without getting a piece of the tuubada (hose).
I think I got closer to God properly when I was like 13. I had a big accident, physically it was traumatic and even though I got better, I’d hear stuff like “You have a however much percentage of so and so working back to normal.” So you know what I started doing, its so funny now but its kinda cute. Every night I’d be like “Please God if you do this, I’m gonna do xyz” and I used to say that every night. And the next day I’d be doing exactly what I promised to God I would do. Bruv I think at one point I even said I’ll go to my aunt and apologise for giving her attitude. It’s so funny now but Alhamdulilah when it was official I was completely recovered, I’d be like damn so it worked?
And then I started doing that with everything. Wallahi I never complain, because for me hope is my biggest coping mechanism. And because I saw how quickly my dua was accepted, I had faith it would work. And if it didn’t, there was a reason and I trusted that. Also when you’re a kid, making dua at night feels like you’re talking to the fairy Godmother. Its proper comforting. Likewise I think because my mum was working abroad so much, I didn’t have someone to really complain to. My dad was working all the time, so the only person I could actually turn to without feeling shame was to God. Even though now, my imaan still fluctuates and I’m so far from being a perfect muslim. I still know I’m worthy of Allah’s swt love and mercy. I also removed people who made me feel otherwise. Even when I wore the hijab, can’t tell you how many times ‘gatekeepers’ used to exile and push me further away from the deen.
They’d make jokes like: “Are you sure you’re fasting?” – Just because my mum wasn’t at home to make a big iftaar, so they’d assume I was just eating.
“Look at you praying because you want xyz to rate you” – whenever I started to pray. You know when you hear stuff like that, you’re just like, ffs I give up
“You don’t even wear your hijab properly” – I was just finding ways to get comfortable and still feel pretty in the hijab
Just mad stuff like that. The only real encouragement I ever got was from my best friends, and their parents. But people who I thought were the most knowledgeable to me, ironically made me the least confident with my imaan. Honestly you know the stuff the shaytaan says to people, “you might as well do this if you’re not that great” – that’s what it felt like. It feels like they’re the embodiment of the shaytaan. Being around people who used their knowledge of the deen as some sort of status symbol to discourage other people from being like them. It was giving a whole lot of “you can’t sit with us”
When I stopped giving access to people like that, I felt so much better. It doesn’t feel like people are watching you with the intention to criticise. Everyday I can just focus on getting closer to the deen and each milestone I reach, I get to be so proud of myself rather than feeling ‘oh lets see how long this lasts for’. Like you don’t need to post reminders everyday, make your stories just about the deen. Because it’ll feel like you have more of a social contract to people to stick with this journey you’re on rather than just keeping it personal. When its just about you and your lord, no one can make their assumptions. No one can make you feel like shit.
Hey sis,
So I’m 27 and currently wanting to get married and I absolutely suck at dating or the whole dating with the intention to marry so I asked my mom. I completely trust her and I know that she will always my best interests at heart and will find a good man for me. And she did, Mashallah he has a good job that pays really well, straight on his deen and his future and a really good personality. However the only issue is that he’s darkskin. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a colourist but this guy is super dark I didn’t think Somalis come like that. I’ve never really found dark skins attractive and I still don’t. But since everything else ticks the box shall I just compromise?
Stay single
Also go to a corner somewhere and have a good think about what you just said
Hey sis, I have a dilemma that am embarrassed about. I married young at 19, I was in university at the time and my husband was umeployed and on the roads. I know it was dumb and irresponsible at the time. Everyone was against it but I was so in love. 3 years married and we’ve been living at my mums house because we can’t afford rent. My husband doesn’t work and hasn’t a day in his life. All he does is smoke weed and chill with his friends. My parents hate him and recently kicked him out after finding out I was giving him pocket money so he could get to places. They’ve now given me an ultimatum and decided either I divorce him and live here or get kicked out. I can’t afford to move out but I still love him deeply. Pls any advice is welcomed.
Listen to your parents.
This man is living a good ass life. Your parents are providing a roof over his head, his food. You give him pocket money. He smokes all day while never doing chores. This husband you speak of might as well be your little brother.
Since he won’t change and since you have the tendency to excuse bad behaviour and enable, I think you should listen to your parents. You are getting walked all over. So, at this point, your choices are
1. Keep getting walked all over
2. Get some therapy so you learn how to stand up for yourself and demand better treatment
Does this man even pray? Does he do anything for you? He honestly does not sound like he wants to build a life with you. To me, that is something that you should re-evaluate. You’re what, 22 now? Is this how you want to live your life? This man literally has not an ounce of shame. I can’t believe he’s gotten away with this for 3 years.
God bless your parents wallahi, because without them you’d be struggling. I’m so shocked he’s even been allowed to live with you guys for that long. Part of me knows its probably because your parents are trying to protect you from yourself. But enough is enough. You are literally the architect to your own failure and I don’t think your parents want to facilitate that anymore. They’ve done more than what other parents would be willing to put up with. If you want to make this bed, you got to lie in it. If not for you, make the best choice for your future kids. Is this the kind of father you’d want for them?
And on that note, I hope you’re stacking up on some birth control
so i’ve noticed this for a while now (2 years ish) i feel like i’ve outgrew my friends and we don’t talk that much anymore which is fine like it happens it’s life but i do feel like i have no friends or company anymore i’ve been on my own for about 2 years now and it gets lonely don’t get me wrong i love being alone. i love enjoying my own company and i can keep myself entertained for hours it’s not a problem for me. However things like going to the movies, travelling, going out having fun i have no one to do that with?i do have couple of low maintenance friends that i see once every year or so but i want more than that? i want really good solidified friendships, friends who id want to make my bridesmaids friends who i want to go on a girls trip with friends who make me feel good and happy. i know what your going to say go out make friends, meet new people but i honestly can’t im very shy and very socially anxious and also this is way harder than it looks, i don’t know if i can meet anyone at this age (early 20s) where i can form the friendships i’m yearning for, everyone is pretty much in their established groups etc.
Because you are searching for your friends at the end of a “like” button on some social media platform. If you want real friends, you need to sacrifice for real people, and have them sacrifice for you. Your old friends are the friends you are looking for, and you need to nurture those relationships.
Friendships require work, for them to continue long term it requires reciprocation from both parties. When that happens true friendships rise to the top! Don’t have the attitude of, I’m just going to scrap these ones for new ones. It doesn’t work like that. And it’s so much harder to be real friends with people who don’t know you. Because they are less likely to give you grace. I know everyone is busy, and one or both end up not investing too much into it, but if it ever gets back again, for it to continue thriving, it requires some form of “consistency”. I’m not saying you have to talk with that old friend all the time, but have meaningful activities or conversations with them from time to time is key. And for that imo it requires work
I just read through the dilemmas and one caught my eye which was the girl who had a relationship with a married man and are planning to marry him, I wonder if she ever thought of his wife’s feelings? in the last sentence of her dilemma, she said our future husbands are prob married men but as woman, don’t you feel some type of way of having such feelings for a married man? like being ashamed, disgusted etc since he’s a married man and you should have no business engaging with them. I mean as soon as you found out he was married, your reflexes should be telling you to run away, not run towards him 😭 i’m just bare confused as how she allowed herself doing that to his wife (unless she’s fine with it) but i doubt.
I also feel like, it’s better to encourage women who never been married before to not become someone’s 2nd, 3rd etc wife, you deserve all the attention and full focus on you!
Mate I’m sat here wondering the same things you are
My husband has been working abroad for the last two years. He’s due back next month and our children are over the moon I’m not sure I feel the same. He isn’t a horrible person quite the opposite actually. He’s kindest hearted person I know, what’s my issue you may ask? Over the years we’ve kind of slipped into a comfortable friendship, we haven’t been romantic with each other in a long time (a year or so before moving abroad) and genuinely treat each other as best friends rather than a couple. I want to be in love again and experience a real relationship that feels more than a friendship. I have spoken to him about our marriage and how I feel i have even tried to make things better by suggesting things we can do together as a couple. His response to me always feels dismissive, he says that I’m just nervous because it’s been so long without him and that although I am his best friend his love for me isn’t that of a friend and that things will work itself out naturally. I just can’t shift this feeling Any words of advice would be highly appreciated
You have to remember that you were individuals with likes/interests and hobbies before becoming a parent. The reality is, you are probably so distant because you’ve spent two years apart. When he comes back, let it just be you two for a while. I know the kids are excited, but those little nigg*as can wait. For the first week that he’s back, let them go off to grandmas or something. During that week, go out, go for dinner, have a romantic night in, do things you wouldn’t usually do – and buy lots of lingerie. It’s important to stay lovers whilst raising kids, and its important to not be complacent either. It’s easier said than done obviously but either way, do you wanna keep living like roommates? No. So lets spruce things up and actively do things that are going to change your situation. My good sis Naima said relationships need maintenance (friendships too) and I agree. You can’t get comfy, because that’s how you lose out on the love. And then when the kids come back, you guys are going to be itching for alone time again
Listen you got this bruva change your destinyyyyy