Hello girls, I’m in a bit of a pickle (love this page btw, big up yourselves). So basically my friendship group consists of 3 girls and we have been friends since high school days (a long time ago). So as of recently I’ve been feeling like the 3rd wheel, deep down I’ve always noticed this but more so now. It is getting draining and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m always being left out. I also have noticed that I’m always putting effort in and not getting anything back. It’s gotten to the point where i feel negativity every time I link up with them. It’s complicated because our families know each other, so it gets awkward. But it low-key upsets me because I have no other friends and feel like I’m only holding myself on to them , in fear of loneliness. I still have love for them and wish them the best but I’m tired of being second best. Not really a question but just wanted to rant. May Allah bless you xx
You answered your own question: your just holding onto these friends in fear of loneliness.
It seems to me that you’re clinging tightly to all of them, possibly in fear of being the one that’s forgotten and stops being invited. But I bet you’re not the only one. You can be the one to form a new path and others will likely follow at their own pace. You just have to let it happen and let the ones that bring the most value to your life stay near your core.
As much as I’ve encouraged letting things naturally fall into place, don’t discount that friendship, like any valuable relationship, takes work. Give an opportunity to your friends to make it right. Maybe they don’t realise they are excluding you.
Friendships are going to evolve. Hanging on so hard to what you know will keep you from moving forward is a bad thing. Again, they require work, but shouldn’t feel exhausting.
Anon
3 years ago
How do you know if a man is using you and playing games especially during long distance? He gives me his time yet, I have to ask for gifts. I am not good at asking, but he told me to ask him if I want something. I am more established in my career, and he would sometime tell me that I am the one with the money. When I asked for a gift for my job promotion, he said I congratulated you, and I am not making a lot of money. I am not asking for designers, just food, flowers, gift cards. Its totally confusing as he gives me his time, shares kind word, reassures me, he confides in me and I confide in him. He has been good to my mental health.
This man is not a gift giver, and you can’t change this about him. Either you accept this part of him, or move on. Long distance and he can’t even deliver a young bouquet of flowers to your house, something that takes 10 mins over the internet? And he’s telling you, YOUR THE ONE WITH MONEY?
Girl, keep him until you monkey bar to someone else if you can’t be alone. But don’t stay in something that makes you feel like you’re gonna settle
Anon
3 years ago
I feel the loneliest on my birthday. Going on social media and seeing everyone celebrate their birthday makes me realize how much of a loner I truly am. I had people reach out and wish me well. I just don’t do anything for my birthday, the older I get (20’s) I feel more lonely. I spent my day sleeping. I am such a loser.
Don’t expect people to do things for you on your birthday if you’re not doing anything. You do something for YOURSELF, and invite people accordingly. The only person that can get you out of this self-depreciating rut is yourself
Anon
3 years ago
Hi ❤️
I’ve been married for a year and a half, and have been together with my husband for two and a half years all together. My problem is that my husband is not romantic at ALL. He makes no effort to show appreciation or love. He used to make a bit more effort once we were dating, but when we got married it became a steady decline. We have a 8 month old baby and when I was pregnant he would get me whatever I wanted but would be out every night essentially leaving me at home alone (I also had really really bad morning sickness, especially at night). He has gotten much better once our baby came and loves him to bits, but it has also made him much more short tempered with me, to the point where I feel I’m constantly tip toeing around him. I told him that I would appreciate some flowers or even a small little gesture every once in a while, and he literally blew up at me and stormed out of the house. On Valentines I asked him if I was getting any flowers and I got told no straight up, that he couldn’t be bothered to stop the car coming back from work. Again, I told him how I felt and he blew up at me. I have started just saying “okay” to everything he says because all these arguments are so draining.
For our anniversary I got him something that he really wanted, and I received nothing. The last gift I received was on my birthday early last year and I got a perfume. I’m home alone all day, taking care of the baby and the household and I feel so under appreciated. I’ve voiced my feelings to him so many times, but he says he will do better and then he just stays the same. There are also other things that he does that just drive me up the wall: he doesn’t clean up after himself, he has never cooked or cleaned anything in the house. I have to keep on top of him about his hygiene because there was points where it was getting out of hand. He thinks that doing the simplest of tasks is something that shows me that he cares, but it only shows me that he really does not want to put in effort. Essentially I’m taking care of him and a baby at the same time, and to add insult to injury he’s not even showing any gratefulness.
Sometimes I think I’m better off if I get a divorce, but he also has positive qualities which made me fall in love with him. When we are good, we are great but when we are bad, it’s horrible.
Sometimes relationships get into a rut and you can plead until your brains melt. Nothing will change.
Sometimes, men need to be reminded what they are about to lose for them to change. So if you are not getting your needs met; stop doing for him. I am not saying scream and break up, that’s the last thing. But stop the cooking, cleaning, laundry, cuddling, nurturing side of your relationship. Go cold turkey. Completely.
It’s so fucked up what he’s doing. Never forget spouses should treat each other with respect and kindness and the foundation is these rights which, if denied, will cause problems. Islamically anyway, even though women are expected to maintain the household – you are not his maid. He should help you, and on top of that, be loving to you. Leaving you at home at night when you’re pregnant? Lacking in hygiene, he’s probably gone days without showering. He is taking the piss
Was he like this before you got married? Because you said “He used to make a bit more effort once we were dating, but when we got married it became a steady decline.” – In other words, he wasn’t really affectionate was he?
What he’s doing is emotional neglect, and with a baby wallahi I would even go as far to say this is emotional abuse. Screaming at you whenever you say you’re unhappy with something. And all you can say is okay to cool down the tension. I think you should read this: https://www.bonobology.com/15-signs-emotional-neglect-marriage/
Wallahi if I am being completely honest with you, I would kick him out. Being alone and doing everything yourself (which is technically what you’re doing anyways) is light-years better than having a millstone like him around your neck, weighing you down. Even if he were to change (and that’s not going to happen), your relationship is likely to lapse him back into old habits because he’s comfortable there, having been useless for so long. He won’t change until things are difficult for him. You want a partner not another child. You have the power to change your life. Tell him things will change and he can’t come back until you see proof he is able to change. Give it some time to make things right but don’t let him move back in. Let him prove to you that you and his family are important enough to change. And don’t bring him back just because you feel lonely or he decides to bring you flowers one day. You need to see he has made genuine change.
If he wants to show you how much he has changed:
– He will offer to take your son off you, without the expectation of coming inside the house
– He will shower you with letters of apologies, without the expectation of coming back
– Asking to take you out, without the expectation of coming back
– SHOWING YOU PROOF of how much he is willing to change
– Cutting down on friendships that take him away from his family
And if he doesn’t change, maybe its time to get a divorce.
Anon
3 years ago
How do you not care what people think , I’ve always been out of the mix and minds my business and there are always people talking shit and I just have a hard time accepting people think that way of me , how do I care less and not other people make me so uncomfortable 😭
Why do you have to overly explain yourself to people who don’t like you? Maybe you’re trying to have an open dialogue, and someone’s refusing to discuss the matter, perhaps even deliberately misconstruing the arguments you make. I think it’s even called red-herring
What do you do? Stop wasting your time.
It is impossible to prevent such a person from ignoring or misinterpreting you, and they clearly don’t want to discuss the matter further, so just leave them be. You cannot explain yourself to someone who has decided not to listen to you. If you want to waste your breath, knock yourself out, but I strongly suggest you take some time to examine your motivations. Why is it so important to you to get through to this particular person?
Maybe you saw this person as your friend, and that’s okay, so in that case you want to explain yourself to your friend. Rightfully so! But wallahi I know this is hard, but sometimes people don’t feel the same way about you. It’ll shock you yes, because to your face they are friendly and fake, but behind your back all they’re doing is spreading a false narrative about you.
My advice is, stop giving these people access to you. All they want to do is have a toxic friendship with you where they can just criticise all the time. They don’t want to tell you what they think you’ve done wrong, because then you won’t have a chance to make things right. They want to keep you in a constant cycle of, getting things wrong, so they can have something to say in private. When they don’t have access to you, their opinions will be baseless and that’s why they are fake to you. The only way people will believe this agenda is if they are close to you, because it makes them more credible.
Even if you state your truth, that might not change anything. You can consider whether they might have a reason for feeling this way, even if it’s taken too far or isn’t entirely fair to you. Maybe what you said reminded them of someone who meant something much worse than what you mean by it. These days, many people try to hide behind plausible deniability, so others have to compensate for that by reading into things. Miscommunications happen a lot, especially online, and people can easily get hurt. Try not to take it too personally — if what they said isn’t true of you, maybe it is true of someone else they have in mind, and who they’ve mistaken you for. If they do have a point, you can adjust, and if they don’t have a point, hopefully you can just ignore them and walk away. If they’ve decided to oppose you no matter what, you won’t talk them out of it, and denying what they say might just be seen as further proof. People like this will try and antagonise a reaction out of you. Literally poking the bear
Like my main man mufti menk said “Stop arguing with people who are committed to misunderstanding YOUUUU”
@muftimenk: Don’t waste your time explaining to people who have already made up their minds about you; those who are committed to misunderstand you! They have an agenda. Don’t stress over them and get on with your life. They don’t deserve your attention.
@muftimenk: There are some people who will purposely doubt your every move no matter how well intended. Leave them be. Stop over-explaining. If they’re bent on misunderstanding you, they will do so no matter what you say. Don’t fret. The Almighty knows your heart. That’s all that matters.
Anon
3 years ago
Any tips of finding yourself again , for ages I’ve been so dependent on other even small things on what I should do wear go etc and if I’m not around my friends or don’t get approval from others I don’t feel comfortable doing something I’m trying to be more independent but I just hate spending time with myself also for most of my teens I’ve been around people all the time but now with uni and work everyone is just doing their own thing and idk how to adjust to it.
Get used to being alone and doing things on your own.
Also realise that regardless of whether people give you praise or criticism, it doesn’t change anything at all. They’re just words. And words that are manipulated by the observer’s view of the world. Everyone sees everything differently and someone’s praise of you may be a criticism in the view of someone else.
The thing is, the validation you get from others will never be enough- that empty space that someone, in this case probably your parents or older siblings were supposed to fill with love and support necessary to build a strong sense of self, is more of a black hole. You need to learn to accept and perhaps most importantly trust yourself. Spend more time by yourself doing things that you love and/or are good at. When you want to go shopping, go by yourself. Go cinema by yourself.
Another thing I would say, and what I’ve been trying to do recently is: try to look at the world without judgment and that includes yourself! Give yourself grace first. Try to be mindful of your circumstances and accept the things you probably can’t change. You’ll be surprised that the more you can shut off self-deprecating thoughts and encouraging yourself, you’ll feel less inclined to seek validation from others.
Anon
3 years ago
I have a problem where I just can’t process my feelings or say them out loud , even if it’s a negative thing and I’ve notice it’s even more harder is more romantic relationships, just saying I like them or I appreciate what they have done etc makes me want to literally vomit and my heart drops to my stomach o hate any type of vulnerability it’s just makes me so uncomfortable, I feel it’s like this with most people in my life, even with my mum she’s not a affection person and never was vocal about her feelings which I Deffo took abroad subconsciously, I just have a hart time speaking even my certain friends and I would just avoid confrontation and just take the L silently,I’m almost 20 and I want to snap out of this and be more in touch with my feelings and be less scared of romantic relationship especially
Your parents and other adults in your life probably didn’t model these things for you in their relationships, so now when you practice those things – they feel like corny romance movie things rather than real expressions of affection.
Nothing is wrong with you. Vulnerability can feel cringey because it’s easy to picture the worst case scenario – that the person you’re talking to doesn’t care, that they’ll think you’re ridiculous, that feelings are dumb, etc. Power through. Think about how beautiful it is that we get to feel anything at all, let alone love, let alone expressions of that love. And it’s okay if you never become a really verbally affectionate person but I hope you can find a little middle ground.
Also, I feel like people in general have just become too self aware. We’ve gone too deep in the memes so now when we act out real life romance and such you only have the emotional associations with them from online material. Everything is cringe or weird. I feel like this used to be me, but a big part of it is just meeting someone who brings you out of your hard exterior. Usually its girls who make guys more affectionate, it’s harder to find a man who can be that for you. But it’s possible. When I first met my husband, I used to hear him showering his sisters with compliments, saying I love you, all these things that were foreign to me. And whenever I wasn’t affectionate, or giving words of affirmation, he would bring it up to me and we would talk about it. I’ve never had people g check me for things like that, things I’m doing subconsciously. And over a while, I snapped out of it. I’m so affectionate now, and you know what, its had such a positive effect on all areas of my life. I’m so loving with my friends now, I’m nicer, more kind. I’m more empathetic. I used to be one of those people who would choose logic over how you feel. Everything was either black or white. But I know now, and I appreciate things can also be grey too and I’ll acknowledge that rather than just saying, no it has to be one thing or something else- not both.
Am I waffling or does this make sense LOOL
Anon
3 years ago
Sis, my dilemma is that my mans photos give me the ick! He can’t pose for s*** and they’re not flattering in the slightest. He just loves sending me photos of himself unprovoked and I don’t have the heart to tell him I’m not feeling them. I am attracted to him but sometimes these photos have me second guessing my physical attraction towards him.
Tbh I’m with you, I hate when men take pictures and post it on Instagram. But if he’s just sending it you, whats the problem? Maybe you haven’t pinpointed the real reason yet. Or maybe something your subconscious is picking up is questioning whether you’re actually attracted to him. Don’t tell him, because that will just lower his self-esteem, just decide quickly if this guy is making you cringe or not
Anon
3 years ago
Hi girls! 🤍
I’m 21 and I’ve noticed that every guy I’ve ever encountered (like even as friends) literally never like the fact that I’m opinionated and if im being honest, they don’t like the fact that I can smell bullshit a mile away. I was just wondering if you think it’s just guys that are around my age who can’t handle an opinionated woman or are older men the same? Btw what I mean by opinionated is just that I have strong thoughts about topics but I don’t come across as aggressive or anything like that. Like all my friends love that trait about me but I’m just thinking maybe boys are just pussy’s who can’t handle when I speak the truth.
To be honest, I have an opinion on a ton of things but there’s a time and place to discuss those things. People regardless of gender who seek to make anything into a debate or a heated political discussion exhaust me. You have to read the room. Over dinner is not where you should want to discuss controversial topics. When you’re dating someone, you don’t have to be a social warrior or have something to say about everything. Sometimes, if people feel the need to constantly tell you their opinions or interject those opinions into conversations when it isn’t necessary can get annoying. With friends its different, because you’re not trying to be romantic with them. Even if a guy seems to agree with you. It might get to the point where it seems like these people define themselves purely by these few opinions and are so one dimensional that they seem like nothing more than caricatures rather than real people.
Read the room. If a subject comes up and you chime in with your opinion, that’s fine, you are an individual and men will like that. If you hoot and holler about it though, then it becomes a bitchy rant and annoying.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey
Have you got any tips on planning a small nikkah ? I want something really small but I’m struggling because I have a massive family and just know my mum would probably like to invite everyone she has in her contacts . Also do you think its disrespectful to only invite my man’s mother and siblings?
First you need to consider your budget and what your willing to spend
I have the opinion of, only have a big wedding if you, THE BRIDE, wants a big wedding. And if you don’t, keep it small. Look for small venues that hold 60 people. That’s exactly what I did. I made sure I only booked a small venue so my parents wouldn’t argue with me about invitations because they knew they were limited. Covid helped as well because babe, I don’t make the rules. Chat to Boris
Spit the invitations so its fair, that way your MIL won’t be upset with you. It’s important not to offend her. Her son is getting married too so its only right she gets to invite equally whoever she wants.
Also, even if you have the budget for a big venue, lie bruv. Say you guys can’t afford it, even if you can. What can they say then? Unless they’re going to chip in (which I highly doubt). Just say rent is really expensive, he also wants to provide gifts for the family, so you guys can’t spend much on a big venue.
Hello girls, I’m in a bit of a pickle (love this page btw, big up yourselves). So basically my friendship group consists of 3 girls and we have been friends since high school days (a long time ago). So as of recently I’ve been feeling like the 3rd wheel, deep down I’ve always noticed this but more so now. It is getting draining and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m always being left out. I also have noticed that I’m always putting effort in and not getting anything back. It’s gotten to the point where i feel negativity every time I link up with them. It’s complicated because our families know each other, so it gets awkward. But it low-key upsets me because I have no other friends and feel like I’m only holding myself on to them , in fear of loneliness. I still have love for them and wish them the best but I’m tired of being second best. Not really a question but just wanted to rant. May Allah bless you xx
You answered your own question: your just holding onto these friends in fear of loneliness.
It seems to me that you’re clinging tightly to all of them, possibly in fear of being the one that’s forgotten and stops being invited. But I bet you’re not the only one. You can be the one to form a new path and others will likely follow at their own pace. You just have to let it happen and let the ones that bring the most value to your life stay near your core.
As much as I’ve encouraged letting things naturally fall into place, don’t discount that friendship, like any valuable relationship, takes work. Give an opportunity to your friends to make it right. Maybe they don’t realise they are excluding you.
Friendships are going to evolve. Hanging on so hard to what you know will keep you from moving forward is a bad thing. Again, they require work, but shouldn’t feel exhausting.
How do you know if a man is using you and playing games especially during long distance? He gives me his time yet, I have to ask for gifts. I am not good at asking, but he told me to ask him if I want something. I am more established in my career, and he would sometime tell me that I am the one with the money. When I asked for a gift for my job promotion, he said I congratulated you, and I am not making a lot of money. I am not asking for designers, just food, flowers, gift cards. Its totally confusing as he gives me his time, shares kind word, reassures me, he confides in me and I confide in him. He has been good to my mental health.
This man is not a gift giver, and you can’t change this about him. Either you accept this part of him, or move on. Long distance and he can’t even deliver a young bouquet of flowers to your house, something that takes 10 mins over the internet? And he’s telling you, YOUR THE ONE WITH MONEY?
Girl, keep him until you monkey bar to someone else if you can’t be alone. But don’t stay in something that makes you feel like you’re gonna settle
I feel the loneliest on my birthday. Going on social media and seeing everyone celebrate their birthday makes me realize how much of a loner I truly am. I had people reach out and wish me well. I just don’t do anything for my birthday, the older I get (20’s) I feel more lonely. I spent my day sleeping. I am such a loser.
Don’t expect people to do things for you on your birthday if you’re not doing anything. You do something for YOURSELF, and invite people accordingly. The only person that can get you out of this self-depreciating rut is yourself
Hi ❤️
I’ve been married for a year and a half, and have been together with my husband for two and a half years all together. My problem is that my husband is not romantic at ALL. He makes no effort to show appreciation or love. He used to make a bit more effort once we were dating, but when we got married it became a steady decline. We have a 8 month old baby and when I was pregnant he would get me whatever I wanted but would be out every night essentially leaving me at home alone (I also had really really bad morning sickness, especially at night). He has gotten much better once our baby came and loves him to bits, but it has also made him much more short tempered with me, to the point where I feel I’m constantly tip toeing around him. I told him that I would appreciate some flowers or even a small little gesture every once in a while, and he literally blew up at me and stormed out of the house. On Valentines I asked him if I was getting any flowers and I got told no straight up, that he couldn’t be bothered to stop the car coming back from work. Again, I told him how I felt and he blew up at me. I have started just saying “okay” to everything he says because all these arguments are so draining.
For our anniversary I got him something that he really wanted, and I received nothing. The last gift I received was on my birthday early last year and I got a perfume. I’m home alone all day, taking care of the baby and the household and I feel so under appreciated. I’ve voiced my feelings to him so many times, but he says he will do better and then he just stays the same. There are also other things that he does that just drive me up the wall: he doesn’t clean up after himself, he has never cooked or cleaned anything in the house. I have to keep on top of him about his hygiene because there was points where it was getting out of hand. He thinks that doing the simplest of tasks is something that shows me that he cares, but it only shows me that he really does not want to put in effort. Essentially I’m taking care of him and a baby at the same time, and to add insult to injury he’s not even showing any gratefulness.
Sometimes I think I’m better off if I get a divorce, but he also has positive qualities which made me fall in love with him. When we are good, we are great but when we are bad, it’s horrible.
Sometimes relationships get into a rut and you can plead until your brains melt. Nothing will change.
Sometimes, men need to be reminded what they are about to lose for them to change. So if you are not getting your needs met; stop doing for him. I am not saying scream and break up, that’s the last thing. But stop the cooking, cleaning, laundry, cuddling, nurturing side of your relationship. Go cold turkey. Completely.
It’s so fucked up what he’s doing. Never forget spouses should treat each other with respect and kindness and the foundation is these rights which, if denied, will cause problems. Islamically anyway, even though women are expected to maintain the household – you are not his maid. He should help you, and on top of that, be loving to you. Leaving you at home at night when you’re pregnant? Lacking in hygiene, he’s probably gone days without showering. He is taking the piss
Was he like this before you got married? Because you said “He used to make a bit more effort once we were dating, but when we got married it became a steady decline.” – In other words, he wasn’t really affectionate was he?
What he’s doing is emotional neglect, and with a baby wallahi I would even go as far to say this is emotional abuse. Screaming at you whenever you say you’re unhappy with something. And all you can say is okay to cool down the tension. I think you should read this: https://www.bonobology.com/15-signs-emotional-neglect-marriage/
Wallahi if I am being completely honest with you, I would kick him out. Being alone and doing everything yourself (which is technically what you’re doing anyways) is light-years better than having a millstone like him around your neck, weighing you down. Even if he were to change (and that’s not going to happen), your relationship is likely to lapse him back into old habits because he’s comfortable there, having been useless for so long. He won’t change until things are difficult for him. You want a partner not another child. You have the power to change your life. Tell him things will change and he can’t come back until you see proof he is able to change. Give it some time to make things right but don’t let him move back in. Let him prove to you that you and his family are important enough to change. And don’t bring him back just because you feel lonely or he decides to bring you flowers one day. You need to see he has made genuine change.
If he wants to show you how much he has changed:
– He will offer to take your son off you, without the expectation of coming inside the house
– He will shower you with letters of apologies, without the expectation of coming back
– Asking to take you out, without the expectation of coming back
– SHOWING YOU PROOF of how much he is willing to change
– Cutting down on friendships that take him away from his family
And if he doesn’t change, maybe its time to get a divorce.
How do you not care what people think , I’ve always been out of the mix and minds my business and there are always people talking shit and I just have a hard time accepting people think that way of me , how do I care less and not other people make me so uncomfortable 😭
Why do you have to overly explain yourself to people who don’t like you? Maybe you’re trying to have an open dialogue, and someone’s refusing to discuss the matter, perhaps even deliberately misconstruing the arguments you make. I think it’s even called red-herring
What do you do? Stop wasting your time.
It is impossible to prevent such a person from ignoring or misinterpreting you, and they clearly don’t want to discuss the matter further, so just leave them be. You cannot explain yourself to someone who has decided not to listen to you. If you want to waste your breath, knock yourself out, but I strongly suggest you take some time to examine your motivations. Why is it so important to you to get through to this particular person?
Maybe you saw this person as your friend, and that’s okay, so in that case you want to explain yourself to your friend. Rightfully so! But wallahi I know this is hard, but sometimes people don’t feel the same way about you. It’ll shock you yes, because to your face they are friendly and fake, but behind your back all they’re doing is spreading a false narrative about you.
My advice is, stop giving these people access to you. All they want to do is have a toxic friendship with you where they can just criticise all the time. They don’t want to tell you what they think you’ve done wrong, because then you won’t have a chance to make things right. They want to keep you in a constant cycle of, getting things wrong, so they can have something to say in private. When they don’t have access to you, their opinions will be baseless and that’s why they are fake to you. The only way people will believe this agenda is if they are close to you, because it makes them more credible.
Even if you state your truth, that might not change anything. You can consider whether they might have a reason for feeling this way, even if it’s taken too far or isn’t entirely fair to you. Maybe what you said reminded them of someone who meant something much worse than what you mean by it. These days, many people try to hide behind plausible deniability, so others have to compensate for that by reading into things. Miscommunications happen a lot, especially online, and people can easily get hurt. Try not to take it too personally — if what they said isn’t true of you, maybe it is true of someone else they have in mind, and who they’ve mistaken you for. If they do have a point, you can adjust, and if they don’t have a point, hopefully you can just ignore them and walk away. If they’ve decided to oppose you no matter what, you won’t talk them out of it, and denying what they say might just be seen as further proof. People like this will try and antagonise a reaction out of you. Literally poking the bear
Like my main man mufti menk said “Stop arguing with people who are committed to misunderstanding YOUUUU”
@muftimenk: Don’t waste your time explaining to people who have already made up their minds about you; those who are committed to misunderstand you! They have an agenda. Don’t stress over them and get on with your life. They don’t deserve your attention.
@muftimenk: There are some people who will purposely doubt your every move no matter how well intended. Leave them be. Stop over-explaining. If they’re bent on misunderstanding you, they will do so no matter what you say. Don’t fret. The Almighty knows your heart. That’s all that matters.
Any tips of finding yourself again , for ages I’ve been so dependent on other even small things on what I should do wear go etc and if I’m not around my friends or don’t get approval from others I don’t feel comfortable doing something I’m trying to be more independent but I just hate spending time with myself also for most of my teens I’ve been around people all the time but now with uni and work everyone is just doing their own thing and idk how to adjust to it.
Get used to being alone and doing things on your own.
Also realise that regardless of whether people give you praise or criticism, it doesn’t change anything at all. They’re just words. And words that are manipulated by the observer’s view of the world. Everyone sees everything differently and someone’s praise of you may be a criticism in the view of someone else.
The thing is, the validation you get from others will never be enough- that empty space that someone, in this case probably your parents or older siblings were supposed to fill with love and support necessary to build a strong sense of self, is more of a black hole. You need to learn to accept and perhaps most importantly trust yourself. Spend more time by yourself doing things that you love and/or are good at. When you want to go shopping, go by yourself. Go cinema by yourself.
Another thing I would say, and what I’ve been trying to do recently is: try to look at the world without judgment and that includes yourself! Give yourself grace first. Try to be mindful of your circumstances and accept the things you probably can’t change. You’ll be surprised that the more you can shut off self-deprecating thoughts and encouraging yourself, you’ll feel less inclined to seek validation from others.
I have a problem where I just can’t process my feelings or say them out loud , even if it’s a negative thing and I’ve notice it’s even more harder is more romantic relationships, just saying I like them or I appreciate what they have done etc makes me want to literally vomit and my heart drops to my stomach o hate any type of vulnerability it’s just makes me so uncomfortable, I feel it’s like this with most people in my life, even with my mum she’s not a affection person and never was vocal about her feelings which I Deffo took abroad subconsciously, I just have a hart time speaking even my certain friends and I would just avoid confrontation and just take the L silently,I’m almost 20 and I want to snap out of this and be more in touch with my feelings and be less scared of romantic relationship especially
Your parents and other adults in your life probably didn’t model these things for you in their relationships, so now when you practice those things – they feel like corny romance movie things rather than real expressions of affection.
Nothing is wrong with you. Vulnerability can feel cringey because it’s easy to picture the worst case scenario – that the person you’re talking to doesn’t care, that they’ll think you’re ridiculous, that feelings are dumb, etc. Power through. Think about how beautiful it is that we get to feel anything at all, let alone love, let alone expressions of that love. And it’s okay if you never become a really verbally affectionate person but I hope you can find a little middle ground.
Also, I feel like people in general have just become too self aware. We’ve gone too deep in the memes so now when we act out real life romance and such you only have the emotional associations with them from online material. Everything is cringe or weird. I feel like this used to be me, but a big part of it is just meeting someone who brings you out of your hard exterior. Usually its girls who make guys more affectionate, it’s harder to find a man who can be that for you. But it’s possible. When I first met my husband, I used to hear him showering his sisters with compliments, saying I love you, all these things that were foreign to me. And whenever I wasn’t affectionate, or giving words of affirmation, he would bring it up to me and we would talk about it. I’ve never had people g check me for things like that, things I’m doing subconsciously. And over a while, I snapped out of it. I’m so affectionate now, and you know what, its had such a positive effect on all areas of my life. I’m so loving with my friends now, I’m nicer, more kind. I’m more empathetic. I used to be one of those people who would choose logic over how you feel. Everything was either black or white. But I know now, and I appreciate things can also be grey too and I’ll acknowledge that rather than just saying, no it has to be one thing or something else- not both.
Am I waffling or does this make sense LOOL
Sis, my dilemma is that my mans photos give me the ick! He can’t pose for s*** and they’re not flattering in the slightest. He just loves sending me photos of himself unprovoked and I don’t have the heart to tell him I’m not feeling them. I am attracted to him but sometimes these photos have me second guessing my physical attraction towards him.
Tbh I’m with you, I hate when men take pictures and post it on Instagram. But if he’s just sending it you, whats the problem? Maybe you haven’t pinpointed the real reason yet. Or maybe something your subconscious is picking up is questioning whether you’re actually attracted to him. Don’t tell him, because that will just lower his self-esteem, just decide quickly if this guy is making you cringe or not
Hi girls! 🤍
I’m 21 and I’ve noticed that every guy I’ve ever encountered (like even as friends) literally never like the fact that I’m opinionated and if im being honest, they don’t like the fact that I can smell bullshit a mile away. I was just wondering if you think it’s just guys that are around my age who can’t handle an opinionated woman or are older men the same? Btw what I mean by opinionated is just that I have strong thoughts about topics but I don’t come across as aggressive or anything like that. Like all my friends love that trait about me but I’m just thinking maybe boys are just pussy’s who can’t handle when I speak the truth.
To be honest, I have an opinion on a ton of things but there’s a time and place to discuss those things. People regardless of gender who seek to make anything into a debate or a heated political discussion exhaust me. You have to read the room. Over dinner is not where you should want to discuss controversial topics. When you’re dating someone, you don’t have to be a social warrior or have something to say about everything. Sometimes, if people feel the need to constantly tell you their opinions or interject those opinions into conversations when it isn’t necessary can get annoying. With friends its different, because you’re not trying to be romantic with them. Even if a guy seems to agree with you. It might get to the point where it seems like these people define themselves purely by these few opinions and are so one dimensional that they seem like nothing more than caricatures rather than real people.
Read the room. If a subject comes up and you chime in with your opinion, that’s fine, you are an individual and men will like that. If you hoot and holler about it though, then it becomes a bitchy rant and annoying.
Hey
Have you got any tips on planning a small nikkah ? I want something really small but I’m struggling because I have a massive family and just know my mum would probably like to invite everyone she has in her contacts . Also do you think its disrespectful to only invite my man’s mother and siblings?
First you need to consider your budget and what your willing to spend
I have the opinion of, only have a big wedding if you, THE BRIDE, wants a big wedding. And if you don’t, keep it small. Look for small venues that hold 60 people. That’s exactly what I did. I made sure I only booked a small venue so my parents wouldn’t argue with me about invitations because they knew they were limited. Covid helped as well because babe, I don’t make the rules. Chat to Boris
Spit the invitations so its fair, that way your MIL won’t be upset with you. It’s important not to offend her. Her son is getting married too so its only right she gets to invite equally whoever she wants.
Also, even if you have the budget for a big venue, lie bruv. Say you guys can’t afford it, even if you can. What can they say then? Unless they’re going to chip in (which I highly doubt). Just say rent is really expensive, he also wants to provide gifts for the family, so you guys can’t spend much on a big venue.