Not a dilemma, but just wanted to say thank you for creating a safe space for us girls and someone to turn to for objective sisterly advice. I feel like this has been therapy for me. May Allah swt reward you for your efforts sis ❤️
Awwwwwwww thank you so much man. This is exactly what I wanted to achieve 🥺❤️ Ameen ameen
Anon
4 years ago
Hi sis, I (29) really love your page and would like you to help me in this situation I am in right now.
My fiancé (33) of 6 years (he proposed to me 6 years ago but we just told our families last month) has recently confessed that he was seeing two other girls whilst we have been together, one of whom he also proposed to. He told me because he feels really bad and I know that he loves me because otherwise why would he admit it? You don’t understand, he’s one of the best men I know and everything he has done for me, you would be so surprised to know. This man is a God send he has made my life complete, before I met him I was lost in life with no direction and he helped me get on my feet and levelled me up. He even advised me to go gym, loose weight, look after myself. He paid for my gym membership at a luxurious branch and also paid for my personal trainer. I wouldn’t be who I am today without him. He finds me so attractive, he tells me everyday and I know it’s true because I am (thanks to him❤️). The only problem is my sister found out and is now threatening to tell my mum that he’s also engaged to another woman. I just want her to be happy for me. I know he’s not perfect but I’m not either and I can’t waste the amount of years we’ve been together. How do I convince my sister to just let it go and be happy for me?
You did some explanation acrobatics on here girl because at first I didn’t think he cheated on you, i thought this happened wayyyyyy before you guys were together 😭 I literally had to read this again
So in summary: in the 6 years you have been together, he cheated on you twice and had full blown relationships with two women, one of which he proposed to? Whilst you guys were together??
What you should have said is despite all those things, I have forgiven him and moved on. And my sister has found out. Not excuse his behaviour, which is what you were doing.
Anyway, it doesn’t sound like you’re going anywhere and that’s up to you. It doesn’t surprise me that your sister is no longer supportive of this relationship, and if she was smart, she would have ran off to tell your parents. I would have done the same thing.
Now you must decide: what’s more important. This relationship or your family/friends support. You can pick your relationship that’s totally fine. Just know you can’t go running back complaining to these people if he cheats and proposes to another woman again. You feel me?
Hi my love! I hope you have been well, may Allah continue you to blesss you abundantly.
I just wanted to further touch up on your answer as a sister who has been raped by her older brother I just wanted to let the sister know letting her partner fiancé know will help as this issue may seem like it’s not bothering her at this moment alhamdulilah but with experience I have found it hard to deal with it in my own head and one day it’ll reach above into the surfaces and it will show I’ve learnt without you even realising and wallahi honestly your fiancé seems understanding and absolutely supportive he’ll understand. You don’t ever need to be near your abuser don’t feel like you’re backed up into a corner. Confront your fears and last thing I’d suggest is therapy! Wallahi the amount of help therapy has been in that time of need for myself has been is beyond imagine-able. I truly pray this marriage is the happiness and the coolness of your eyes!! May Allah protect you and please don’t let it get to a point where you feel like you are alone, you are not. I’ll be praying for you in sha Allah 💓💓
And Lula sisss!! You are doing the most amazing thing ever allahumabarikk sending you lots of love and light!❤️❤️❤️
Hey sis. How to deal with girls (will no longer call them friends) that have posted pictures of me when I use to wear the niqab and when I didn’t wear the niqab. I don’t hav insta, so I found out from multiple other friends. I’m very very very very upset. I was suspicious of them. I’ve mentioned in the past and now that I hate people who post pictures/have personal pics of me bc I’m not social media like that. All of their accounts are private and have weird @‘s. I don’t actually know what their @‘s are, so I cant report. Knowing these girls, even if I confront, they’ll lie and gaslight . What do I do. Context; I’ve stopped using insta many many years ago bc it was boring then and a waste of time. Girl don’t tell me to jump them, bc at my big age, I’ll look like a lunatic.
These girls are dusty little bitches and you know what, leave them. Trust me, they will be dealt with.
You’re right, all they will do is gaslight you and make you sound crazy. They are literally shaydaans minions running around getting people to question your modesty. If I was you, I’d block every single one of those girls and block anyone that tries to be mutual friends.
Anon
4 years ago
i’m genuinely so confused about my future. i know it’s the qadr of allah and i do honestly have trust in Him. but i can’t help it being the first thing i think of when i wake up and the last thing when i’m going to sleep. i know i want to go to university (and a course has really caught my eye alhamdoulillah, may allah allow for it to work out). the thing is, it’s a long commute (1hr and 10-30) and i’m unsure what my family will think since our bond has been quite rocky in the past but alhamdoulillah it’s gotten a lot better. i feel like they’ll rather me choose a different course at a university near me but i know i will be so so unhappy and unmotivated. i also feel like they’ll be worried all day about me and i don’t know if it’s worth it.
may allah bless you, ameen. honestly the replies i’ve read have been so so lovely. and to the sisters writing, i truely hope we are all reunited in jannah. it’s a long journey but look at how far we’ve come, may allah reward you for every single hurdle you face in this life and allow for it to be a mountain of good deeds for you on the day of judgment, ameen.
stay close to allah,never lose hope since he is most merciful. you are amazing, take each day as it come. i love you all for the sake of allah and hope you’re all on a successful healing journey. ❤️
Unless you’re one of those people who have always appeared to know what you want to do with your life (probably not). The thing is: what you aren’t understanding is that your purpose isn’t found, it’s discovered. You can’t do this if you’re just sitting in a chair by the window wishing on a star. You find it by doing things and taking action. You know those sayings: don’t be a passenger, don’t let life pass you by – basically a-lot of our lives we spend searching for things through thought, meanwhile opportunities are just passing by. We are missing them worrying about something else we can’t change. Part of our problem is we hold ourselves back.
Who cares if it’s a long commute, who cares about what your parents will think? It’s your life. Stop letting other people change the direction of your life. Don’t be a passenger
And you are so kind and sweet. Ameen sis ❤️ May we all be reunited in Jannah
Anon
4 years ago
I’m getting married inshallah soon. Will be staying at future MIL for first couple of days before moving into our own flat. I’m a flood of nerves! I’m 24 never been intimate with anyone ever and I’m scared he’ll expect the traditional intimacy on wedding night. Really don’t want to do it under his mother’s roof. Also I’ve had major insecurities about my body (big chest and pot belly) and bearing all that to a man fills me with dread. We have known each other for about 2 years but it’s all been halal, no dating just texting or chatting with face to face with chaperone present. Just need some good sisterly advice to keep my nerves at bay
Book a hotel for your first week living with your husband, or book a cottage in the middle of nowhere. I feel like alone time away from everyone especially during THAT time is necessary. I don’t think it’ll be nice either to spend your first night together in his mums crib. It’s not gonna give what’s it’s meant to give!!! Plus you will need the privacy because your first experience sets the tone for your intimate life in general. Also showering multiple times a day eventually will raise a few eyebrows. Go on Airbnb and find a nice cottage sis.
If you have married friends, honestly speak to them about it and they’ll put your mind at ease. Trust me. Go with your friends to a nice spa, get a full body wax, get your hair done – and that itself will make you feel good that you won’t be worrying about any small insecurities. Play a little card or board game before then and just chill
Good luck and May Allah swt bless your marriage
Anon
4 years ago
I have a few friends, and I see them every once in a while. Going online I see these strong friendships in big groups. This has impacted my sense of self-worth. I wonder if a guy would ever want to marry someone with practically little to no friends. I fear he may think I am a loser and loner.
Not everyone in a big group are ‘best friends’, in some cases, there might be two friends in a group that don’t actually like eachother. But they’re being cordial for the sake of the group. My point is, you must understand a-lot of these big friendships you see on social media are surface level.
And you know what, that’s cool too. Some days it’s really nice to have surface level talk instead of always feeling the need to dive into the deep end of understanding. And just talking about things that make you uncomfortable to people who actually can’t do anything for it.
Forget about men for a second,
Make friendships with people because you want to build on those relationships. You don’t need a big tribe, 1-3 people will do. And they will mean more to you
Anon
4 years ago
Hi sister I have a very personal question I grew up with severe narcissistic abuse from my father and my mother always enabled him so I have grown up with trust issues this of course affects my well being as I feel like I cannot trust anyone it has also made me very scared of the idea of getting married and I do want to have a happy home,marry someone I love that loves me I want to be loved I really do but I am getting in the way of it myself because of all the fear I have that one day he might turn out like my father and abuse me both mentally and physically I don’t really know how to even move on from my childhood I am 21 years old and want to get married in some years I want to be able to trust my friends more and not feel like everyone is out to get me
Yes, you will carry your childhood with you forever, childhood traumas too. Kudos for being so self-aware. Therapy helped me a lot and its what I will suggest to you. It will get better and you will always wonder about how your childhood held you back. You will learn how to spot other troubled souls before the drama starts and realise you do not need that crazy in your life. You will learn what honestly makes you happy, not what others think you should do. You will wonder how come you did not realize, and how come no one said it…. how amazing you actually are. BTW it gets way better.
But also sis, let me tell you something. I’ve been reminding myself a lot about this lately. The real contentment that I’m constantly looking for, its just not here. True happiness and contentment is in Jannah. The akirah is meant to be our real home where we will be in for eternity and this is what we have spent our whole lives searching for. The dunya is a temporary holding place just filled with heartache and suffering. Having faith through all of this distinguishes true muslims from the disbelievers. I know its hard but its so true, we should never get attached to or burdened by this fleeting temporary world because all our problems in this world are temporary as well as all the luxuries are temporary too. One day it’ll be shit and other days will be good. But in the akirah, everyday is perfect. Inshallah we are all lucky enough to make it there
Last edited 4 years ago by Lulu
Anon
4 years ago
Salam sisters, I have a dilemma I hope you can help me with. Well I got arranged marriage like 2 years ago because I am the antisocial type and didn’t really go out and seek marriage in my own. i was really happy because I thought my parents found me a good match he was sweet, caring, and always tentative me to. After the first 6 months of our marriage he he pressured me into having a baby. We were not really stable enough because I don’t have a job and he just graduated uni and works at a warehouse. I was too concerned about our future and how will we raise our child ? So constantly blamed me for not getting pregnant or giving myself “eye evil” so I won’t get pregnant. He even told me if I don’t get pregnant in the next 6 months he will find another wife. I laughed in his face because we can barley afford our living situation now. Anyways months passed and I got pregnant like he wanted but he didn’t even help me out with anything. All my doctors appointments my father took me and I even lied to my dad and said he was working that’s why he couldn’t take me. I set up and built all the baby things while 9 MONTHS pregnant and he stays out at the masjid all day not helping me with anything. One day I was crying on the bathroom floor and this guy had the audacity to say I should go live with my parents until I give birth because of my “hormones”. I didn’t tell my family about anything he did because I don’t want to disappoint my parents. So now I have birth and staying at my mother’s house for the 40 days and he rings me every morning to pack him breakfast to pick up from my mother’s house. I have been making him breakfast everyday without my family’s knowledge and he picks it up. My poor family thinks I am resting and eating porridge while they go to work in the morning. I honestly don’t know what to do? Everytime he does something crazy I always go back to him
Firstly I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds like you have two separate issues to deal with here. Do you want to be married to this person? I strongly advise that you leave, as mental and emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse and that can lead to devastating consequences.
The most evil thing here is that he pressured you to have kids, in fact, threatened you. Then turned around and left you whilst you were pregnant, and is now offloading you to your mother. He had no intention of being a real father anyway. In fact I can already tell he is going to be a deadbeat. Maybe he wanted kids so it would look good to all his mates at the masjid, you’d be surprised how many muslim men do this. But behind all of that, deep down I honestly think its about control. He can’t control you as an individual so its much easier to emotionally control you when you guys share a baby, and are completely dependent on him.
If you are essentially just this thing to him that he can neglect and mistreat then there is nothing preventing him from doing much worse in the future. If you a property to be used, then so are any children you have by him. That is an overwhelming and terrifying prospect, you have no choice but to leave. Your child will grow up between a father who forces his mother to bear children or a father who did that and now lives life between two homes. There are other possible outcomes that depend on what others do. But based on what is in your power directly, this is what you have to work with as a new mother.
A lot is hanging in the balance of this. Only you will really make this decision. No one can make it for you unless you decide to let them. There is no good outcome here, there is only how you want to survive this.
Alhamdulilah you have supportive parents, so use this opportunity to go back to them. This man will never ever look after you. He has already shown you have far he can truly go. There are really no redeeming qualities either. What he prays? So what bruv
When the time is right, go back into work, start saving, get your name on the housing list. Mothers who have escaped abusive partner are usually given priority. Once you get a home, start again. Wallahi sometimes this is just unfortunately how cards are dealt in life. Its fucking shit, but use this as an opportunity to CHOOSE YOU. Pick you, and save yourself from a sinking ship. Yes it will be shit now, it will take you to dark places but wallahi, in the future you will be so grateful and proud of your younger self for saving you. Do it
Anon
4 years ago
Hey sis I have something that I’m hope you can give your two cents to. I met one of my guy friends a few years and we became extremely close friends and I never had that type of connection with a guy friend. I have always had the opinion that girls and guys CAN just be friends but I soon learned the hard way that it’s completely false. Spending so much time with guy and sharing so much of ourselves to each other just made me catch feelings for him real quick. As soon I realised this I told him and said I needed space to think things through. I was thinking our friendship was over but he was pretty chill about it. Of course things were awkward at first but soon enough we went back to our old ways and we never spoke about that situation again. A few years go by now and we don’t talk as much but whenever anything big happens we share with each other and we would talk for short while. It always feels like nothing ever changes and it’s never awkward. I mean I have never even had that with my girl friends like if we stopped talking sometimes it’s awkward rekindling friendship. Moving on, now we are a lot older and at that age of where we are thinking about marriage and settling down. I always said to my close friends, if there was one person I would say 100% yes to if he asked was him. I have never felt any other connection to anyone else like that. I mean I’m not physically attracted to him and he is not physically attracted to me. Our ideal types are polar opposites but it’s our bond that keeps me thinking what if. My question is would it be weird if i bring up to him the idea of marriage?
First you need to make a choice. Do you want to keep the friendship or you want to come clean and tell him how you feel?
Unless you figure out this first, then there is not point moving forward. It is your life, thus, your choices. This is when you have to be mature and make an executive decision about what is it that you really want. So pick.
Then, IF you decide to tell him. Then you have to realise that this could also spell the end of your friendship or at best make everything between you two awkward for a while if not for longer.
But at least you will be able to tell him even though no one knows or can guess whether those feelings could be returned. You would know about this, much better than me or any other person who reads this. So you know what your chances are. At which point, you can move forward into thinking about HOW you are going to tell him.
IF you decide not to tell him. Then, that is fine, too. Perhaps you rather keep him as a friend long term. That is great too. However, I would then suggest that although you might not want to, that you might need to reduced getting together with your friend. At least for a while as you will need some space to deal with your emotions. It is the emotionally healthy thing to do. You do not have to be mean to him, just spend less time with him for a month or two in order to get over him.
Whichever path you take, neither one is 100% easy, but they are far from impossible. Remember, it is better to know then to wonder “what if?” for the rest of your life, so whatever you pick, stick to it and you should be fine.
Not a dilemma, but just wanted to say thank you for creating a safe space for us girls and someone to turn to for objective sisterly advice. I feel like this has been therapy for me. May Allah swt reward you for your efforts sis ❤️
Awwwwwwww thank you so much man. This is exactly what I wanted to achieve 🥺❤️ Ameen ameen
Hi sis, I (29) really love your page and would like you to help me in this situation I am in right now.
My fiancé (33) of 6 years (he proposed to me 6 years ago but we just told our families last month) has recently confessed that he was seeing two other girls whilst we have been together, one of whom he also proposed to. He told me because he feels really bad and I know that he loves me because otherwise why would he admit it? You don’t understand, he’s one of the best men I know and everything he has done for me, you would be so surprised to know. This man is a God send he has made my life complete, before I met him I was lost in life with no direction and he helped me get on my feet and levelled me up. He even advised me to go gym, loose weight, look after myself. He paid for my gym membership at a luxurious branch and also paid for my personal trainer. I wouldn’t be who I am today without him. He finds me so attractive, he tells me everyday and I know it’s true because I am (thanks to him❤️). The only problem is my sister found out and is now threatening to tell my mum that he’s also engaged to another woman. I just want her to be happy for me. I know he’s not perfect but I’m not either and I can’t waste the amount of years we’ve been together. How do I convince my sister to just let it go and be happy for me?
You did some explanation acrobatics on here girl because at first I didn’t think he cheated on you, i thought this happened wayyyyyy before you guys were together 😭 I literally had to read this again
So in summary: in the 6 years you have been together, he cheated on you twice and had full blown relationships with two women, one of which he proposed to? Whilst you guys were together??
What you should have said is despite all those things, I have forgiven him and moved on. And my sister has found out. Not excuse his behaviour, which is what you were doing.
Anyway, it doesn’t sound like you’re going anywhere and that’s up to you. It doesn’t surprise me that your sister is no longer supportive of this relationship, and if she was smart, she would have ran off to tell your parents. I would have done the same thing.
Now you must decide: what’s more important. This relationship or your family/friends support. You can pick your relationship that’s totally fine. Just know you can’t go running back complaining to these people if he cheats and proposes to another woman again. You feel me?
https://thesisterguide.com/comment-page-75/#comment-1804
SA T/W
Hi my love! I hope you have been well, may Allah continue you to blesss you abundantly.
I just wanted to further touch up on your answer as a sister who has been raped by her older brother I just wanted to let the sister know letting her partner fiancé know will help as this issue may seem like it’s not bothering her at this moment alhamdulilah but with experience I have found it hard to deal with it in my own head and one day it’ll reach above into the surfaces and it will show I’ve learnt without you even realising and wallahi honestly your fiancé seems understanding and absolutely supportive he’ll understand. You don’t ever need to be near your abuser don’t feel like you’re backed up into a corner. Confront your fears and last thing I’d suggest is therapy! Wallahi the amount of help therapy has been in that time of need for myself has been is beyond imagine-able. I truly pray this marriage is the happiness and the coolness of your eyes!! May Allah protect you and please don’t let it get to a point where you feel like you are alone, you are not. I’ll be praying for you in sha Allah 💓💓
And Lula sisss!! You are doing the most amazing thing ever allahumabarikk sending you lots of love and light!❤️❤️❤️
This is beautiful advice !! Thank you ❤️❤️
Hey sis. How to deal with girls (will no longer call them friends) that have posted pictures of me when I use to wear the niqab and when I didn’t wear the niqab. I don’t hav insta, so I found out from multiple other friends. I’m very very very very upset. I was suspicious of them. I’ve mentioned in the past and now that I hate people who post pictures/have personal pics of me bc I’m not social media like that. All of their accounts are private and have weird @‘s. I don’t actually know what their @‘s are, so I cant report. Knowing these girls, even if I confront, they’ll lie and gaslight . What do I do. Context; I’ve stopped using insta many many years ago bc it was boring then and a waste of time. Girl don’t tell me to jump them, bc at my big age, I’ll look like a lunatic.
Wow
These girls are dusty little bitches and you know what, leave them. Trust me, they will be dealt with.
You’re right, all they will do is gaslight you and make you sound crazy. They are literally shaydaans minions running around getting people to question your modesty. If I was you, I’d block every single one of those girls and block anyone that tries to be mutual friends.
i’m genuinely so confused about my future. i know it’s the qadr of allah and i do honestly have trust in Him. but i can’t help it being the first thing i think of when i wake up and the last thing when i’m going to sleep. i know i want to go to university (and a course has really caught my eye alhamdoulillah, may allah allow for it to work out). the thing is, it’s a long commute (1hr and 10-30) and i’m unsure what my family will think since our bond has been quite rocky in the past but alhamdoulillah it’s gotten a lot better. i feel like they’ll rather me choose a different course at a university near me but i know i will be so so unhappy and unmotivated. i also feel like they’ll be worried all day about me and i don’t know if it’s worth it.
may allah bless you, ameen. honestly the replies i’ve read have been so so lovely. and to the sisters writing, i truely hope we are all reunited in jannah. it’s a long journey but look at how far we’ve come, may allah reward you for every single hurdle you face in this life and allow for it to be a mountain of good deeds for you on the day of judgment, ameen.
stay close to allah,never lose hope since he is most merciful. you are amazing, take each day as it come. i love you all for the sake of allah and hope you’re all on a successful healing journey. ❤️
Unless you’re one of those people who have always appeared to know what you want to do with your life (probably not). The thing is: what you aren’t understanding is that your purpose isn’t found, it’s discovered. You can’t do this if you’re just sitting in a chair by the window wishing on a star. You find it by doing things and taking action. You know those sayings: don’t be a passenger, don’t let life pass you by – basically a-lot of our lives we spend searching for things through thought, meanwhile opportunities are just passing by. We are missing them worrying about something else we can’t change. Part of our problem is we hold ourselves back.
Who cares if it’s a long commute, who cares about what your parents will think? It’s your life. Stop letting other people change the direction of your life. Don’t be a passenger
And you are so kind and sweet. Ameen sis ❤️ May we all be reunited in Jannah
I’m getting married inshallah soon. Will be staying at future MIL for first couple of days before moving into our own flat. I’m a flood of nerves! I’m 24 never been intimate with anyone ever and I’m scared he’ll expect the traditional intimacy on wedding night. Really don’t want to do it under his mother’s roof. Also I’ve had major insecurities about my body (big chest and pot belly) and bearing all that to a man fills me with dread. We have known each other for about 2 years but it’s all been halal, no dating just texting or chatting with face to face with chaperone present. Just need some good sisterly advice to keep my nerves at bay
Book a hotel for your first week living with your husband, or book a cottage in the middle of nowhere. I feel like alone time away from everyone especially during THAT time is necessary. I don’t think it’ll be nice either to spend your first night together in his mums crib. It’s not gonna give what’s it’s meant to give!!! Plus you will need the privacy because your first experience sets the tone for your intimate life in general. Also showering multiple times a day eventually will raise a few eyebrows. Go on Airbnb and find a nice cottage sis.
If you have married friends, honestly speak to them about it and they’ll put your mind at ease. Trust me. Go with your friends to a nice spa, get a full body wax, get your hair done – and that itself will make you feel good that you won’t be worrying about any small insecurities. Play a little card or board game before then and just chill
Good luck and May Allah swt bless your marriage
I have a few friends, and I see them every once in a while. Going online I see these strong friendships in big groups. This has impacted my sense of self-worth. I wonder if a guy would ever want to marry someone with practically little to no friends. I fear he may think I am a loser and loner.
Not everyone in a big group are ‘best friends’, in some cases, there might be two friends in a group that don’t actually like eachother. But they’re being cordial for the sake of the group. My point is, you must understand a-lot of these big friendships you see on social media are surface level.
And you know what, that’s cool too. Some days it’s really nice to have surface level talk instead of always feeling the need to dive into the deep end of understanding. And just talking about things that make you uncomfortable to people who actually can’t do anything for it.
Forget about men for a second,
Make friendships with people because you want to build on those relationships. You don’t need a big tribe, 1-3 people will do. And they will mean more to you
Hi sister I have a very personal question I grew up with severe narcissistic abuse from my father and my mother always enabled him so I have grown up with trust issues this of course affects my well being as I feel like I cannot trust anyone it has also made me very scared of the idea of getting married and I do want to have a happy home,marry someone I love that loves me I want to be loved I really do but I am getting in the way of it myself because of all the fear I have that one day he might turn out like my father and abuse me both mentally and physically I don’t really know how to even move on from my childhood I am 21 years old and want to get married in some years I want to be able to trust my friends more and not feel like everyone is out to get me
Yes, you will carry your childhood with you forever, childhood traumas too. Kudos for being so self-aware. Therapy helped me a lot and its what I will suggest to you. It will get better and you will always wonder about how your childhood held you back. You will learn how to spot other troubled souls before the drama starts and realise you do not need that crazy in your life. You will learn what honestly makes you happy, not what others think you should do. You will wonder how come you did not realize, and how come no one said it…. how amazing you actually are. BTW it gets way better.
But also sis, let me tell you something. I’ve been reminding myself a lot about this lately. The real contentment that I’m constantly looking for, its just not here. True happiness and contentment is in Jannah. The akirah is meant to be our real home where we will be in for eternity and this is what we have spent our whole lives searching for. The dunya is a temporary holding place just filled with heartache and suffering. Having faith through all of this distinguishes true muslims from the disbelievers. I know its hard but its so true, we should never get attached to or burdened by this fleeting temporary world because all our problems in this world are temporary as well as all the luxuries are temporary too. One day it’ll be shit and other days will be good. But in the akirah, everyday is perfect. Inshallah we are all lucky enough to make it there
Salam sisters, I have a dilemma I hope you can help me with. Well I got arranged marriage like 2 years ago because I am the antisocial type and didn’t really go out and seek marriage in my own. i was really happy because I thought my parents found me a good match he was sweet, caring, and always tentative me to. After the first 6 months of our marriage he he pressured me into having a baby. We were not really stable enough because I don’t have a job and he just graduated uni and works at a warehouse. I was too concerned about our future and how will we raise our child ? So constantly blamed me for not getting pregnant or giving myself “eye evil” so I won’t get pregnant. He even told me if I don’t get pregnant in the next 6 months he will find another wife. I laughed in his face because we can barley afford our living situation now. Anyways months passed and I got pregnant like he wanted but he didn’t even help me out with anything. All my doctors appointments my father took me and I even lied to my dad and said he was working that’s why he couldn’t take me. I set up and built all the baby things while 9 MONTHS pregnant and he stays out at the masjid all day not helping me with anything. One day I was crying on the bathroom floor and this guy had the audacity to say I should go live with my parents until I give birth because of my “hormones”. I didn’t tell my family about anything he did because I don’t want to disappoint my parents. So now I have birth and staying at my mother’s house for the 40 days and he rings me every morning to pack him breakfast to pick up from my mother’s house. I have been making him breakfast everyday without my family’s knowledge and he picks it up. My poor family thinks I am resting and eating porridge while they go to work in the morning. I honestly don’t know what to do? Everytime he does something crazy I always go back to him
Firstly I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds like you have two separate issues to deal with here. Do you want to be married to this person? I strongly advise that you leave, as mental and emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse and that can lead to devastating consequences.
The most evil thing here is that he pressured you to have kids, in fact, threatened you. Then turned around and left you whilst you were pregnant, and is now offloading you to your mother. He had no intention of being a real father anyway. In fact I can already tell he is going to be a deadbeat. Maybe he wanted kids so it would look good to all his mates at the masjid, you’d be surprised how many muslim men do this. But behind all of that, deep down I honestly think its about control. He can’t control you as an individual so its much easier to emotionally control you when you guys share a baby, and are completely dependent on him.
If you are essentially just this thing to him that he can neglect and mistreat then there is nothing preventing him from doing much worse in the future. If you a property to be used, then so are any children you have by him. That is an overwhelming and terrifying prospect, you have no choice but to leave. Your child will grow up between a father who forces his mother to bear children or a father who did that and now lives life between two homes. There are other possible outcomes that depend on what others do. But based on what is in your power directly, this is what you have to work with as a new mother.
A lot is hanging in the balance of this. Only you will really make this decision. No one can make it for you unless you decide to let them. There is no good outcome here, there is only how you want to survive this.
Alhamdulilah you have supportive parents, so use this opportunity to go back to them. This man will never ever look after you. He has already shown you have far he can truly go. There are really no redeeming qualities either. What he prays? So what bruv
When the time is right, go back into work, start saving, get your name on the housing list. Mothers who have escaped abusive partner are usually given priority. Once you get a home, start again. Wallahi sometimes this is just unfortunately how cards are dealt in life. Its fucking shit, but use this as an opportunity to CHOOSE YOU. Pick you, and save yourself from a sinking ship. Yes it will be shit now, it will take you to dark places but wallahi, in the future you will be so grateful and proud of your younger self for saving you. Do it
Hey sis I have something that I’m hope you can give your two cents to. I met one of my guy friends a few years and we became extremely close friends and I never had that type of connection with a guy friend. I have always had the opinion that girls and guys CAN just be friends but I soon learned the hard way that it’s completely false. Spending so much time with guy and sharing so much of ourselves to each other just made me catch feelings for him real quick. As soon I realised this I told him and said I needed space to think things through. I was thinking our friendship was over but he was pretty chill about it. Of course things were awkward at first but soon enough we went back to our old ways and we never spoke about that situation again. A few years go by now and we don’t talk as much but whenever anything big happens we share with each other and we would talk for short while. It always feels like nothing ever changes and it’s never awkward. I mean I have never even had that with my girl friends like if we stopped talking sometimes it’s awkward rekindling friendship. Moving on, now we are a lot older and at that age of where we are thinking about marriage and settling down. I always said to my close friends, if there was one person I would say 100% yes to if he asked was him. I have never felt any other connection to anyone else like that. I mean I’m not physically attracted to him and he is not physically attracted to me. Our ideal types are polar opposites but it’s our bond that keeps me thinking what if. My question is would it be weird if i bring up to him the idea of marriage?
First you need to make a choice. Do you want to keep the friendship or you want to come clean and tell him how you feel?
Unless you figure out this first, then there is not point moving forward. It is your life, thus, your choices. This is when you have to be mature and make an executive decision about what is it that you really want. So pick.
Then, IF you decide to tell him. Then you have to realise that this could also spell the end of your friendship or at best make everything between you two awkward for a while if not for longer.
But at least you will be able to tell him even though no one knows or can guess whether those feelings could be returned. You would know about this, much better than me or any other person who reads this. So you know what your chances are. At which point, you can move forward into thinking about HOW you are going to tell him.
IF you decide not to tell him. Then, that is fine, too. Perhaps you rather keep him as a friend long term. That is great too. However, I would then suggest that although you might not want to, that you might need to reduced getting together with your friend. At least for a while as you will need some space to deal with your emotions. It is the emotionally healthy thing to do. You do not have to be mean to him, just spend less time with him for a month or two in order to get over him.
Whichever path you take, neither one is 100% easy, but they are far from impossible. Remember, it is better to know then to wonder “what if?” for the rest of your life, so whatever you pick, stick to it and you should be fine.