If you go on a date with a guy do you just sit and wait there and not offer to pay like even on a first date LOOOL I feel like I’m soo awks and just get my purse and I don’t even want to pay
I used to offer until one day a guy actually let me pay my half and I fell sick to stomach LMAO
I realised when you offer to go half, I know it may not seem like a big deal, but in that moment, you’re letting them know that your standards actually aren’t that high. And the problem with this is, when you give men an inch they take a fucking mile. Now every other date they expect you to go half, or in some cases, pay for the whole freaking date. “It’s your turn babe.”
For me, I like chivalrous behaviour, I think it shows a man who has good manners, and, more importantly, likes me enough to show them off. It means he’s showing me his best self, and that he respects me enough to never make him look less of a chivalrous man. That is sexy, it makes you more appealing and ultimately makes you want to go on dates with them more.
Who pays on the first date? That question is a very funny one in my opinion. Everyone has different options on who should pay on the first date.
Personally, I don’t think there’s always a set person to pay. It is considered chivalrous for a man to pay for the first date. And most of the time if a man has asked to take you out then it should be him who pays. However, I wouldn’t go on that date expecting him to pay. Come prepared sis, if you have to handle your side of the bill then be ready to pay.
If you’re feeling awkward about the situation there’s nothing wrong with gauging how the other person feels about it first. For instance, you might say, “How should we handle the bill?” I know these conversations are a little awkward but at least you’ll know whether or not you need to pull out your wallet.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girl, I met this guy and I really like him. I’ve never been on a date before and I’m sooooo scared to go on this date lol because I’m worried that im not having enough ‘xishood’ (I know it sounds a bit extreme). Im also worried that he’s told his friends about me because I’m worried his friends will take one look at my pictures and say that I’m ugly and that he can go for someone better than me. I don’t know why but that’s always also been my biggest worry 😭
Hey sis, where’s your confidence gone? Girl why do you care about what his friends may think! At the end of the day he’s talking to you right? If the two of you have a mutual understanding then there’s nothing to be worried about. Don’t let what others may think stop you from having a chance with this man. Go on the date with him and be yourself. I’m sure you’re beautiful inside and out so don’t ever put yourself down. As it’s your first date take it easy. Do something fun like an activity if you feel like a dinner might be too overwhelming. Just be yourself and if he likes that then you’re off to a good start.
Believe in your sauce. Also insecurity can be smelt from a mile a way. Put your most confident self forward. Don’t care about what his friends say, and also if they do, maybe you don’t want a guy like that around you. Guys who care about what the mandem say too much are always going to be problematic.
Anon
3 years ago
Most of the guys I attract is because of my personalality I think because I’m really kind and naturally very caring and nurturing and I’ve realise guys see that and are only interested in me because they of that from the comments they make , I would want to be with someone who is not only attracted to me but also wants to get to know me instead of seeing a trait he likes and that being the only thing he’s likes of that makes sense , should I be less empathetic or open when I meet guys or be a bit more guarded.
Just be yourself. That’s the main thing. Don’t play games, or pretend to be something you’re not.
If a guy is showing you interests, and he genuinely likes you. Show him the real side of you, and be open, be charming, be very friendly. Because that’s how relationships are formed, when people see the real you and accept you as you are.
Anon
3 years ago
When you say give 20% to a guys your dating what does that mean , like being less available , we need a bit for detail sis
I mean that as in, save something for yourself in your relationships. Don’t give it all of you, because if it doesn’t work out, you’ll feel like you have nothing.
Have your own life outside of the relationship. It’s important to have different hobbies and be able to enjoy them on your own. A healthy relationship should never be “I don’t know what I would do without you” but rather “I love sharing my life with you”.
Have your own set of hobbies and interests, but with this, it’s important to have a partner who gives you the freedom to explore those interests. Don’t get with somebody who raves about how much they’re going to police their wives, and they dedicate what you get to do. Save your independence for yourself. Have your own life. Don’t get consumed too much in your relationship that you don’t see your friends etc.
Anon
3 years ago
I feel like I loose my patients really quickly in my relationships like any inconvenience or problems Id rather just end it than not deal with it because it just annoying, but I’m trying to be more patient calm and understanding but I think it’s just a defence mechanism and I’m finding it hard to be in a relationship whilst battling it like I don’t want to be quick tempered but I also don’t want to let my guard down to the point I’m blind to issues , any advice will be appreciated
Hey sis, you sound like you’re trying to be a calmer person. But in all honesty there’s nothing wrong with being angry sometimes. Especially if something isn’t right and you want to speak up about it.
Obviously being an angry person isn’t desirable but knowing when to speak up for yourself and when to say you’re not happy about a situation is important. You could work on toning down your anger a little by taking a step back when you feel angry about a situation.
Say for example, a guy says something off while you’re texting or talking on the phone. Take a deep breath and gather your thoughts. Think to yourself “is this something that I should get angry about or could I handle it in a different way”. Sometimes anger isn’t the best solution for all problems so work on calming yourself before responding.
Either way if a guy loves you then he’ll be able to handle your temper. You need a man that will love you no matter which mood you’re in. So don’t change yourself for anyone just know how to control your temper. I hope that helps sis x
It’s true, if you want to be in any relationship in the future, having patience is CRUCIAL. With no patience, you will give up everytime. But before you tackle it, you need to understand where this feeling comes from. Generally, impatience happens when you do not accept reality and have an overbearing need for control. This was me, I need to control everywhere ontherwise I’d lose my mind. For example, If I’m working in a team, I need you to be efficient otherwise I’m just going to nag you all day.
But my Husband really taught me that in order to change those stressful “you have to do this!” “I want things like this!” you gotta learn to accept how things actually are. That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about situations that aren’t up to your standards. Not at all. It just means you don’t react from frustration, which is never a long term solution to effect real change.
How to accept reality? One way is to reflect on the present moment. Another way is to try to try to see the situation from another perspective. For example, “I understand he is not doing what I want to do, he has been really overwhelmed lately and I should probably give him some grace, because he needs it”. And then, actually look at the moment when you get “triggered,” and stop to try to figure out what you are wanting to control in the situation. What is it that is actually bothering you?
This might help you uncover all the reasons why you feel like you have to control things. Once you can release yourself from “how things should be,” you can start to acting and loving from a much more patient place.
Anon
3 years ago
I want to start dating multiple guys just for more experience and to go with the flow I’m not ready for anything serious until I meet my match but I’m sooooooo nervous of being caught LOOOL like London is so small and I might die of embarrassment , also my friends think it’s a wild idea any tips
I’d say that if exclusivity hasn’t been discussed, it’s generally okay to be dating multiple people. Up until a certain point. For example, if you’re only like a few dates in with the guys you’re talking to, then no harm no foul. Most cases, the guys you’re talking to at the start are definitely speaking to someone else. Never put all your eggs in one basket.
If your friends want to do that and bet on one horse, do you girl. But I’m having fun!
However!!! If you are going to date multiple people, do not overdo it and cross into relationship territory. For example spending extended periods of time together, meeting his friends, etc then you should either stop talking to the other guys or make it very clear that you’re talking to other people
There is nothing wrong with talking to or going on dates with different men at the same time. As long as it’s casual dating and you’re not telling all of them that you’ve got feelings for them then I don’t see what the problem would be.
The reason that it is good to date multiple guys is that you can really see what several people are like. You’ll begin to learn what attributes you would like in a man. You can see how different guys treat you. From there you can decide which one you’d like to continue to get to know and potentially become something more serious. Once something is more serious then obviously you’d stop dating/talking to different men.
Also, the thing about being caught. Well what have you really done wrong to be caught for? You’re simply keeping your options open and getting to know different guys. Obviously don’t go for guys that you think are all friends cos that’s when things would get awkward. And if you were to make it clear that you’re still talking to other guys then no one can get hurt about it.
Girl do you. Keep your options open and don’t go putting your eggs all in one basket straight away. Get a feel for what it is you’re looking for and once you’ve found it then you can move more serious. Until then have fun and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi guyssss, I just wanted to know how often do you visit your mother in laws house. My future husband and his mum are best friends and he’ll most likely be there every other day. He says once we get married I should come with him as often as he does to his mums. Idk of course I love his mother dearly and she’s such a sweetheart but I don’t want her to think that I don’t have other things to do. Idk if I’m overthinking it, I don’t want her feeling that I’m also pulling away her only son from her. He can have as much time as he wants from her there’s no doubt about that, but I don’t think I should be visiting every other day. Ps I’m a secondary school teacher and currently on supply, so my time is kind of limited X
I would say in the first year of marriage, trying to do you very best to build a relationship with your MIL. The first year is vital, It is literally what sets the tone for how your relationship is going to be like with your in laws. And you want it to feel like your family, and trust me, you’re gonna want your MIL in your corner.
I would say, try to go with your partner to your MIL’s house once every 3 times that he goes. It shows that you support their relationship, but you don’t have too much free time to be there everyday.
I personally visit my MIL house, maybe every 3 weeks and that’s mainly because she lives 10 minutes from us. My Husband and her have a beautiful relationship and it extends to me too now which is really nice. It feels like having a second mum and I think it helps it you try to emulate that too. Try to be like a daughter to her. Be really comfortable, make jokes and smile, it helps to not make things awkward.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey lovely! I just wanted to ask how is it like adjusting to marriage life, I’m getting married next year inshallah and I do get worried how I’m going to feel, Alhamdulilah he is the best man any girl can wish for. Little inside perspective he’s from a small family and is used to quiet and I’m from a big family so everyday qaylo🤣but I love it. We are from two different cities (not too far from eachother but still) and I get homesick so easily🥲 as you can tell it’ll be a dramatic difference for me rather than him.
Marriage is the best, wallahi it really is. It just takes time to adjusting, thats all. It’s like you’re a new baby into the world again, and you have to learn and unlearn all these new things.
In my experience, honestly I couldn’t have been luckier. Sometimes I get really anxious when I am not in a setting that I can’t control. I am a big control freak and I never test things I don’t know. Which is why I took so long to get married. And I kind of felt like an imposter and it was because I knew I wasn’t a conventional wife. Like a play PS4 with my Husband, and I only learnt how to cook and clean 8 months before I got married. I am far from wifey material. But my Husband really just held my hand and reassured me that I was doing good and that I was made for this life. And you know what, I really am. I love it here.
I realised, ignoring outside comments on how you should be as a Wife is best. This is what got to me. I hated how I wasn’t seen as my own person, because that’s how I have always been. Marriage is not my brand. I don’t put it in my bio. I want people to base me on my own merit and not those of my Husband. “You should be doing this, you should be doing that.” “You’re married now” “When do you want kids?”. It was so overwhelming. I wasn’t used to that many people having an opinion on my relationship, especially because before I got married, it was such a private part of my life. But now, I’ve learnt how to separate my marriage from people. And now it genuinely doesn’t bother me.
In terms of living together, you’ll get used to it. It takes time. Continue making it feel like you guys are dating. Have romantic evenings together, always make each other laugh, be patient with one another. But most importantly, have your own space. Don’t distance yourself from your friends, your family. I know you are in a new city so it’s harder. Try to visit them more often, or make new ones in this city. Try to have evenings where you guys are not with each other, it helps to avoid petty arguments. Also remember some arguments are not the end of the world. LMAO i know it can feel like it but it really isn’t. And just remember, at the end of the day, you guys are a team.
Congratulations and May Allah bless you with the happiest marriage in the world.
Anon
3 years ago
I already love this platform and have a few suggestions from a readers point of view. With Ladan answering, it would be great if you could both have inputs on the same queries. It will be interesting to have both perspectives if possible with each dilemma instead of one or the other. For the website, I’d suggest having page numbers at the bottom to help navigate and make it easier for people browsing through the questions. The search bar would also be great to search different topics or keywords in Dilemmas so as a reader you can search and see if someone’s already asked a similar question. I’ve also seen some hate comments on twitter and they’re all just stupid, I hope you know. Any publicity is good publicity at the end of the day, and your follow count is growing which is wonderful to see. Please stay your authentic selves and don’t let the criticism get to you. You don’t have to change how you give advice (contrary to the advice of bums on twitter) because that advice is what’s got this to where it is now and it’s already in an amazing place before it’s even properly started. I would however love to hear from your experiences and I think that would add a lot of authenticity to it and help people with different mindsets understand where you’re coming from. May Allah bless and protect everyone involved! You’re doing amazing sweetie *insert Kris Jenner holding camera phone meme here*
We saw this yesterday and thought it was such an amazing idea, already set up an account for Ladan. She’s replying to some as she goes so have a look for it. And I just wanted to say thank you so much!!! It’s so crazy how it went from CuriousCat to this, and I know it’s because of the few girls that were supporting me. Wallahi you guys are the best.
In terms of the criticism, I genuinely don’t mind. Some of it is actually constructive and I’ve tried to take what I can from it, and do better, but majority of it I know what it is. People stop you from doing what they can’t do themselves. “Why are people asking her for advise?” I don’t know. But why aren’t they asking you?
Its true, If I had listened I wouldn’t be where I am now. I actually remember the first time I got back on cc, a few really said “you still on cc?” but then my analytics and following started doing numbers. And so is this website, 62 users on here reading per minute. Alhamdulilah man, I really love it here. Thanks to all you girlies for encouraging me, honestly it made my week. May Allah continue to bless you all!
Anon
3 years ago
I found the guy I love, the only thing that’s lacking is deen. I’m not perfect and I struggle with motivation to do the most basic practices like salah as well but I never see him try. Whenever I bring it up to people they mention my deen and I understand that but isn’t marrying a man on deen more important for yours and your children’s deen? When I tell him to pray or anything he tells me he will but I don’t think he does it. I’m not sure if we’ll ever practice Islam together because I want to increase my knowledge i’a but he doesn’t seem to want it as much. If he’s perfect but lacking with deen does that eliminate him?
Yes and no. If you want to get married, it requires a certain level of teamwork to get there. You help me, I help you. I’ll be honest, in terms of my relationship with Islam, I am learning more and more everyday and inshallah I will get to the place where I want to be. 4 Years ago, my imaan was not in a good place, if my husband didn’t see the potential in me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I was so used to people gatekeeping Islam from me, never actually encouraging me, just ridiculing me any opportunity they got, but to now have someone encourage me every single day, I know illahi sent him to me.
Of course, there are fundamentals he needs to have that you should rightfully expect from him, but are these workable? Can you help him get to where he needs to be? Yes it’s easy for you to judge, but should you really? Like you said, you struggle yourself. Come from a place of empathy and understanding, instead of judgement. You are going to need those qualities if you want to get married someday. You said he’s perfect, but theres just this one flaw you’re hanging onto. Sometimes people need a little help okay. We can’t be great at everything. So just try and be that person in the corner for him, constantly advising him that he can do better and that inshallah he will get to where he needs to be, for you and mainly for himself.
If you go on a date with a guy do you just sit and wait there and not offer to pay like even on a first date LOOOL I feel like I’m soo awks and just get my purse and I don’t even want to pay
I used to offer until one day a guy actually let me pay my half and I fell sick to stomach LMAO
I realised when you offer to go half, I know it may not seem like a big deal, but in that moment, you’re letting them know that your standards actually aren’t that high. And the problem with this is, when you give men an inch they take a fucking mile. Now every other date they expect you to go half, or in some cases, pay for the whole freaking date. “It’s your turn babe.”
For me, I like chivalrous behaviour, I think it shows a man who has good manners, and, more importantly, likes me enough to show them off. It means he’s showing me his best self, and that he respects me enough to never make him look less of a chivalrous man. That is sexy, it makes you more appealing and ultimately makes you want to go on dates with them more.
Don’t even look at your purse, just sit pretty.
Who pays on the first date? That question is a very funny one in my opinion. Everyone has different options on who should pay on the first date.
Personally, I don’t think there’s always a set person to pay. It is considered chivalrous for a man to pay for the first date. And most of the time if a man has asked to take you out then it should be him who pays. However, I wouldn’t go on that date expecting him to pay. Come prepared sis, if you have to handle your side of the bill then be ready to pay.
If you’re feeling awkward about the situation there’s nothing wrong with gauging how the other person feels about it first. For instance, you might say, “How should we handle the bill?” I know these conversations are a little awkward but at least you’ll know whether or not you need to pull out your wallet.
Hey girl, I met this guy and I really like him. I’ve never been on a date before and I’m sooooo scared to go on this date lol because I’m worried that im not having enough ‘xishood’ (I know it sounds a bit extreme). Im also worried that he’s told his friends about me because I’m worried his friends will take one look at my pictures and say that I’m ugly and that he can go for someone better than me. I don’t know why but that’s always also been my biggest worry 😭
Hey sis, where’s your confidence gone? Girl why do you care about what his friends may think! At the end of the day he’s talking to you right? If the two of you have a mutual understanding then there’s nothing to be worried about. Don’t let what others may think stop you from having a chance with this man. Go on the date with him and be yourself. I’m sure you’re beautiful inside and out so don’t ever put yourself down. As it’s your first date take it easy. Do something fun like an activity if you feel like a dinner might be too overwhelming. Just be yourself and if he likes that then you’re off to a good start.
Believe in your sauce. Also insecurity can be smelt from a mile a way. Put your most confident self forward. Don’t care about what his friends say, and also if they do, maybe you don’t want a guy like that around you. Guys who care about what the mandem say too much are always going to be problematic.
Most of the guys I attract is because of my personalality I think because I’m really kind and naturally very caring and nurturing and I’ve realise guys see that and are only interested in me because they of that from the comments they make , I would want to be with someone who is not only attracted to me but also wants to get to know me instead of seeing a trait he likes and that being the only thing he’s likes of that makes sense , should I be less empathetic or open when I meet guys or be a bit more guarded.
Just be yourself. That’s the main thing. Don’t play games, or pretend to be something you’re not.
If a guy is showing you interests, and he genuinely likes you. Show him the real side of you, and be open, be charming, be very friendly. Because that’s how relationships are formed, when people see the real you and accept you as you are.
When you say give 20% to a guys your dating what does that mean , like being less available , we need a bit for detail sis
I mean that as in, save something for yourself in your relationships. Don’t give it all of you, because if it doesn’t work out, you’ll feel like you have nothing.
Have your own life outside of the relationship. It’s important to have different hobbies and be able to enjoy them on your own. A healthy relationship should never be “I don’t know what I would do without you” but rather “I love sharing my life with you”.
Have your own set of hobbies and interests, but with this, it’s important to have a partner who gives you the freedom to explore those interests. Don’t get with somebody who raves about how much they’re going to police their wives, and they dedicate what you get to do. Save your independence for yourself. Have your own life. Don’t get consumed too much in your relationship that you don’t see your friends etc.
I feel like I loose my patients really quickly in my relationships like any inconvenience or problems Id rather just end it than not deal with it because it just annoying, but I’m trying to be more patient calm and understanding but I think it’s just a defence mechanism and I’m finding it hard to be in a relationship whilst battling it like I don’t want to be quick tempered but I also don’t want to let my guard down to the point I’m blind to issues , any advice will be appreciated
Hey sis, you sound like you’re trying to be a calmer person. But in all honesty there’s nothing wrong with being angry sometimes. Especially if something isn’t right and you want to speak up about it.
Obviously being an angry person isn’t desirable but knowing when to speak up for yourself and when to say you’re not happy about a situation is important. You could work on toning down your anger a little by taking a step back when you feel angry about a situation.
Say for example, a guy says something off while you’re texting or talking on the phone. Take a deep breath and gather your thoughts. Think to yourself “is this something that I should get angry about or could I handle it in a different way”. Sometimes anger isn’t the best solution for all problems so work on calming yourself before responding.
Either way if a guy loves you then he’ll be able to handle your temper. You need a man that will love you no matter which mood you’re in. So don’t change yourself for anyone just know how to control your temper. I hope that helps sis x
It’s true, if you want to be in any relationship in the future, having patience is CRUCIAL. With no patience, you will give up everytime. But before you tackle it, you need to understand where this feeling comes from. Generally, impatience happens when you do not accept reality and have an overbearing need for control. This was me, I need to control everywhere ontherwise I’d lose my mind. For example, If I’m working in a team, I need you to be efficient otherwise I’m just going to nag you all day.
But my Husband really taught me that in order to change those stressful “you have to do this!” “I want things like this!” you gotta learn to accept how things actually are. That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about situations that aren’t up to your standards. Not at all. It just means you don’t react from frustration, which is never a long term solution to effect real change.
How to accept reality? One way is to reflect on the present moment. Another way is to try to try to see the situation from another perspective. For example, “I understand he is not doing what I want to do, he has been really overwhelmed lately and I should probably give him some grace, because he needs it”. And then, actually look at the moment when you get “triggered,” and stop to try to figure out what you are wanting to control in the situation. What is it that is actually bothering you?
This might help you uncover all the reasons why you feel like you have to control things. Once you can release yourself from “how things should be,” you can start to acting and loving from a much more patient place.
I want to start dating multiple guys just for more experience and to go with the flow I’m not ready for anything serious until I meet my match but I’m sooooooo nervous of being caught LOOOL like London is so small and I might die of embarrassment , also my friends think it’s a wild idea any tips
I’d say that if exclusivity hasn’t been discussed, it’s generally okay to be dating multiple people. Up until a certain point. For example, if you’re only like a few dates in with the guys you’re talking to, then no harm no foul. Most cases, the guys you’re talking to at the start are definitely speaking to someone else. Never put all your eggs in one basket.
If your friends want to do that and bet on one horse, do you girl. But I’m having fun!
However!!! If you are going to date multiple people, do not overdo it and cross into relationship territory. For example spending extended periods of time together, meeting his friends, etc then you should either stop talking to the other guys or make it very clear that you’re talking to other people
There is nothing wrong with talking to or going on dates with different men at the same time. As long as it’s casual dating and you’re not telling all of them that you’ve got feelings for them then I don’t see what the problem would be.
The reason that it is good to date multiple guys is that you can really see what several people are like. You’ll begin to learn what attributes you would like in a man. You can see how different guys treat you. From there you can decide which one you’d like to continue to get to know and potentially become something more serious. Once something is more serious then obviously you’d stop dating/talking to different men.
Also, the thing about being caught. Well what have you really done wrong to be caught for? You’re simply keeping your options open and getting to know different guys. Obviously don’t go for guys that you think are all friends cos that’s when things would get awkward. And if you were to make it clear that you’re still talking to other guys then no one can get hurt about it.
Girl do you. Keep your options open and don’t go putting your eggs all in one basket straight away. Get a feel for what it is you’re looking for and once you’ve found it then you can move more serious. Until then have fun and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.
Hi guyssss, I just wanted to know how often do you visit your mother in laws house. My future husband and his mum are best friends and he’ll most likely be there every other day. He says once we get married I should come with him as often as he does to his mums. Idk of course I love his mother dearly and she’s such a sweetheart but I don’t want her to think that I don’t have other things to do. Idk if I’m overthinking it, I don’t want her feeling that I’m also pulling away her only son from her. He can have as much time as he wants from her there’s no doubt about that, but I don’t think I should be visiting every other day. Ps I’m a secondary school teacher and currently on supply, so my time is kind of limited X
I would say in the first year of marriage, trying to do you very best to build a relationship with your MIL. The first year is vital, It is literally what sets the tone for how your relationship is going to be like with your in laws. And you want it to feel like your family, and trust me, you’re gonna want your MIL in your corner.
I would say, try to go with your partner to your MIL’s house once every 3 times that he goes. It shows that you support their relationship, but you don’t have too much free time to be there everyday.
I personally visit my MIL house, maybe every 3 weeks and that’s mainly because she lives 10 minutes from us. My Husband and her have a beautiful relationship and it extends to me too now which is really nice. It feels like having a second mum and I think it helps it you try to emulate that too. Try to be like a daughter to her. Be really comfortable, make jokes and smile, it helps to not make things awkward.
Hey lovely! I just wanted to ask how is it like adjusting to marriage life, I’m getting married next year inshallah and I do get worried how I’m going to feel, Alhamdulilah he is the best man any girl can wish for. Little inside perspective he’s from a small family and is used to quiet and I’m from a big family so everyday qaylo🤣but I love it. We are from two different cities (not too far from eachother but still) and I get homesick so easily🥲 as you can tell it’ll be a dramatic difference for me rather than him.
Marriage is the best, wallahi it really is. It just takes time to adjusting, thats all. It’s like you’re a new baby into the world again, and you have to learn and unlearn all these new things.
In my experience, honestly I couldn’t have been luckier. Sometimes I get really anxious when I am not in a setting that I can’t control. I am a big control freak and I never test things I don’t know. Which is why I took so long to get married. And I kind of felt like an imposter and it was because I knew I wasn’t a conventional wife. Like a play PS4 with my Husband, and I only learnt how to cook and clean 8 months before I got married. I am far from wifey material. But my Husband really just held my hand and reassured me that I was doing good and that I was made for this life. And you know what, I really am. I love it here.
I realised, ignoring outside comments on how you should be as a Wife is best. This is what got to me. I hated how I wasn’t seen as my own person, because that’s how I have always been. Marriage is not my brand. I don’t put it in my bio. I want people to base me on my own merit and not those of my Husband. “You should be doing this, you should be doing that.” “You’re married now” “When do you want kids?”. It was so overwhelming. I wasn’t used to that many people having an opinion on my relationship, especially because before I got married, it was such a private part of my life. But now, I’ve learnt how to separate my marriage from people. And now it genuinely doesn’t bother me.
In terms of living together, you’ll get used to it. It takes time. Continue making it feel like you guys are dating. Have romantic evenings together, always make each other laugh, be patient with one another. But most importantly, have your own space. Don’t distance yourself from your friends, your family. I know you are in a new city so it’s harder. Try to visit them more often, or make new ones in this city. Try to have evenings where you guys are not with each other, it helps to avoid petty arguments. Also remember some arguments are not the end of the world. LMAO i know it can feel like it but it really isn’t. And just remember, at the end of the day, you guys are a team.
Congratulations and May Allah bless you with the happiest marriage in the world.
I already love this platform and have a few suggestions from a readers point of view. With Ladan answering, it would be great if you could both have inputs on the same queries. It will be interesting to have both perspectives if possible with each dilemma instead of one or the other. For the website, I’d suggest having page numbers at the bottom to help navigate and make it easier for people browsing through the questions. The search bar would also be great to search different topics or keywords in Dilemmas so as a reader you can search and see if someone’s already asked a similar question. I’ve also seen some hate comments on twitter and they’re all just stupid, I hope you know. Any publicity is good publicity at the end of the day, and your follow count is growing which is wonderful to see. Please stay your authentic selves and don’t let the criticism get to you. You don’t have to change how you give advice (contrary to the advice of bums on twitter) because that advice is what’s got this to where it is now and it’s already in an amazing place before it’s even properly started. I would however love to hear from your experiences and I think that would add a lot of authenticity to it and help people with different mindsets understand where you’re coming from. May Allah bless and protect everyone involved! You’re doing amazing sweetie *insert Kris Jenner holding camera phone meme here*
We saw this yesterday and thought it was such an amazing idea, already set up an account for Ladan. She’s replying to some as she goes so have a look for it. And I just wanted to say thank you so much!!! It’s so crazy how it went from CuriousCat to this, and I know it’s because of the few girls that were supporting me. Wallahi you guys are the best.
In terms of the criticism, I genuinely don’t mind. Some of it is actually constructive and I’ve tried to take what I can from it, and do better, but majority of it I know what it is. People stop you from doing what they can’t do themselves. “Why are people asking her for advise?” I don’t know. But why aren’t they asking you?
Its true, If I had listened I wouldn’t be where I am now. I actually remember the first time I got back on cc, a few really said “you still on cc?” but then my analytics and following started doing numbers. And so is this website, 62 users on here reading per minute. Alhamdulilah man, I really love it here. Thanks to all you girlies for encouraging me, honestly it made my week. May Allah continue to bless you all!
I found the guy I love, the only thing that’s lacking is deen. I’m not perfect and I struggle with motivation to do the most basic practices like salah as well but I never see him try. Whenever I bring it up to people they mention my deen and I understand that but isn’t marrying a man on deen more important for yours and your children’s deen? When I tell him to pray or anything he tells me he will but I don’t think he does it. I’m not sure if we’ll ever practice Islam together because I want to increase my knowledge i’a but he doesn’t seem to want it as much. If he’s perfect but lacking with deen does that eliminate him?
Yes and no. If you want to get married, it requires a certain level of teamwork to get there. You help me, I help you. I’ll be honest, in terms of my relationship with Islam, I am learning more and more everyday and inshallah I will get to the place where I want to be. 4 Years ago, my imaan was not in a good place, if my husband didn’t see the potential in me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I was so used to people gatekeeping Islam from me, never actually encouraging me, just ridiculing me any opportunity they got, but to now have someone encourage me every single day, I know illahi sent him to me.
Of course, there are fundamentals he needs to have that you should rightfully expect from him, but are these workable? Can you help him get to where he needs to be? Yes it’s easy for you to judge, but should you really? Like you said, you struggle yourself. Come from a place of empathy and understanding, instead of judgement. You are going to need those qualities if you want to get married someday. You said he’s perfect, but theres just this one flaw you’re hanging onto. Sometimes people need a little help okay. We can’t be great at everything. So just try and be that person in the corner for him, constantly advising him that he can do better and that inshallah he will get to where he needs to be, for you and mainly for himself.