Hi,
I have been married for 10 months and alhamdullilah it’s been going alright. I have a problem which is that I don’t enjoy sex at all, my husbands p***s is small and ejaculates VERY quickly. I feel that my needs aren’t being met and I have tried to explain this to my husband on many occasion which he dismisses, if I say something that he’s doing during foreplay hurts he gets frustrated. I’ve tried to gently guide him towards something more comfortable for me during our intimate times but its fallen on deaf ears. I’m not a confrontational person but I decided to have a serious talk once and tell him I don’t feel comfortable, I thought he would be understanding but he actually said “I was messing up the flow” for shifting when the foreplay hurts. I tried to explain my side but I don’t think he wanted to listen. He got upset and said he’d work on it but nothing much has really changed. I literally hate having sex with him, he once asked him why I don’t initiate and I was like O_o. How can I fix this situation?
You need to figure out what gets you in the mood and communicate that with your husband. Are you attracted to him? Do you experience sexual attraction, in general, at all? If the answer to these questions is yes, then your intimacy life can improve.
Also, intimacy is not just about sex. There should be a proper amount of time and attention before attempting to have sex. I get quite a few of these dilemmas and I try to ignore it only because I know how immature people can be. But look. Particularly young men just feel like sex is only about intercourse, and I feel like that’s such an animalistic way of thinking about it. The ‘boom and you’re done’ kinda thing. And a lot of women complain that they are unsatisfied, there are even studies on this: the orgasm gap. When no, its meant to be really special and it takes time. Even holding hands, talking to each other, flirting before you even lead up to anything physical is apart of intimacy. And this aspect is very important for women
You want foreplay to be longer? Tell him! Be open in your communication. Tell him your likes and dislikes so you are both happy. I know it’s probably weird since you’ve never talked about this stuff with anyone before, but he’s your husband! Who else you gonna tell!?
But also sis, you need change your attitude a bit. Viewing sex as a chore definitely doesn’t help either. Try reframing it as a way to connect with your husband
Anon
3 years ago
What do you think about the whole concept of marriage killing long term relationships. There are people who have been together for years but then separate after a few years of marriage. Do you think there’s something about marriage drastically changes the dynamics of a relationship? I’d like to know your thoughts about this as someone who is recently married but been with your husband for longer.
Before I got married, I already felt like I was married and my friends felt like I was too- but its very different. I never thought that there would be a difference if we went from long term relationship to married…but the weird thing is that there is a difference. For me, anyways. But what I realised is, most of it was in my head if that makes sense.
And one thing I’m really glad about, is that my husband forced me to face these differences and to talk about it. And when I struggled to find the words to articulate it, it would give me the words and I’d go off from that.
How I would explain it is, you go from being so casual, no pressure, to once you get married – have a wave of pressure that literally consumes you. The expectations you have of yourself, or each other, what expectations people have of you as a married woman – it literally comes out of nowhere and it can be quite scary.
For me it was like:
Everyone see’s me just as someone’s wife and not my own person.
Do I need to cook every single day?
People asking me if I am going to wear the hijab now that I’m married (like bitch what does that even mean? Am I doing it for a husband or my lord?)
Feeling like you don’t want your relationship to change because you’re married
KIDS KIDS KIDS. Fighting baby fever even though you know you want to wait
Does he (your husband) expect more from you?
Is my youth over because I’m married?
Feeling like I had to share my husband to family/friends because once your married, its public knowledge. But before it felt like it was just private for me and no one could have it.
Those intrusive thoughts after marriage is what makes you feel like you have wedding blues, and it can quickly make you start thinking you weren’t ready for marriage. But the best thing was being encouraged to talk about these feelings and wallahi it reassured me so much.
My husband was like: “Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself, nothing has really changed.” – and for us, it was kinda true. Although we hadn’t lived together, we were always together, and especially a year before then when he met my family, he’d be around my family too. And I knew every single thing there was to know about him, I knew his good traits and bad ones too. He knew mine. If I’m feeling down, he knew how to deal with me and vice versa. I knew everything about his job, his friends. Financially nothing changed because he was taking care of me already before we got married. So the only thing that actually changed: was that we were islamically married and now living together. That was literally it. All those things I THOUGHT I had to do, I didn’t?
I went from feeling anxious to just being like “Oh you’re right, nothing is really different”
The expectations you have of each other straight away after marriage though, is what makes it feel like a big deal and it ultimately puts pressure on you guys as well.
Before marriage, you believe your partner is committed. After marriage, you know.
Before marriage, your relationship status is unclear to others. After marriage, it’s clear.
Before marriage, you can move anywhere only separately. After marriage, you are a unit.
It’s the fact that you and this other person have decided together that you will be committed solely to each other for the rest of your lives. I can’t really explain it, but I know emotionally and internally, there is a difference.
I feel like this pressure in marriages kills long-term relationships only because it’s a very hard thing to talk about. Not that its painful or anything, but it’s genuinely hard to articulate this invisible feeling. When you are physically hurt, you can explain why your hurt because people can see IT. But how can you explain what is going on in your head? On top of that, how do you explain it without hurting your spouses’ feelings? Because I honestly wouldn’t blame men if they thought the reason their wife had wedding blues was because they just weren’t happy with them, when in reality it has nothing to do with that. Its just hard to adapt to such big changes and one that involves big responsibilities. Intrusive thoughts in general can have a big effect on how you view things, but once you talk about it and try to articulate what it is that makes you feel anxious- and realise nah its actually fine- that anxious feeling passes.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey, girl
I’m getting married this year and I’ve known my fiancée for years and is not a stranger to me. We’ve never had sexual intercourse and he wants to do it. He says ‘ we’re gonna get married anyways ‘ ‘ it’s going to happen anyways ‘. He’s perfect all across and I cannot fault him in anything else. I love him dearly. I know his head will not turn. However lately I’ve been feeling pressured as I’m not giving in. He realised and apologised and said he will wait & how he’s not trying to pressure me. The only reason I’m scared is because I’m scared of what will happen later. E.g pregnancy, guilt etc. I understand there’s contraception and I’m looking into getting it. What are your thoughts on this & why do men think it’s acceptable to think like this when they think you’re getting married this deal is done when it actually isn’t??
I know he’s excited but he needs to chill. You are getting married in a few months, there’s not much long left. Don’t ruin what could bring a lot of barakah and happiness into your marriage because you guys can’t be patient
Just wait man honestly. In fact, remind each other of other things to look forward to. Ramadan is literally around the corner, and it could be an opportunity for both of you guys to get closer to Allah. And maybe, you guys can spend iftar together with each others families now that you are set to be married. I did that last year and it was so nice. There are more things to focus on leading up to the marriage other than sex. I know that’s the BIG thing but, it will happen- just wait.
And also, you need to start thinking about contraception for when you get married. That’s not something you do straight away. You need to spend weeks researching, going to your GP and to a sexual health clinic to find out which contraception works best for you. You can’t be impulsive with that sort of stuff. You might just end up with something that really badly affects your body.
Regarding why men think its acceptable, its because men are dumb. And sex is really all they think about, no matter how discrete they are about it. But there are other external factors too. Testosterone plays a role too. But also, sex is really the only kind of physical intimacy they’re allowed (by society/other men) to have. The focus isn’t really on emotionally intimacy because that’s not what makes them masculine.
Also, whilst women have high libido’s too, their attitudes to sex are completely different. For us, all the ducks have to be in a row before we even think of sex. There must be trust and emotional security, there needs to be marriage and there must be physical security too. ‘Will he stay with me after we have sex, the only way he will is if we’re married’ kind of attitude and ‘will he protect us’. When, and only when all these boxes are ticked will a woman be able to fully express her sexual nature. And once they have asked for your hand etc, a small portion of men will be like
“Well I am going to give you all of these things anyway, I mean we are getting married- so we might as well have sex.”
But no. There is a time and place for sex and if you guys haven’t done it now, what is a few more months to you guys?? Honestly! Especially when you’re ultimately doing this to please Allah. And it’ll be worth it because the marriage will be blessed
Anon
3 years ago
Hey!
This isn’t really much of a question but I need some advice. I’m a teenage muslim middle eastern girl and yk how they come. My parents aren’t strict or say but I feel like they stop me from living out certain experiences, like going to parties.. etc. And even though I know their worries come with right intention I can’t help but feel like they’re stopping me from living. I recently moved and making new friends has been a little difficult and I think if I had more access to things it wouldn’t be as hard. But idk is it right to blame it on them ? Am I wrong for wanting to go out more ?
Ultimately our parents know best and of course they are going to want to protect us from certain experiences. But I’m more inclined to think parents need to let their children find their own paths and allow them to make their own decisions. And also make them see the consequences of their actions first before you stop them. Because I’ve seen what happens to kids who are sheltered too much by their parents, they end up straying too far and beyond reconciliation in the future.
Don’t blame your parents, they just love you and want the best for you. But its still up to you whether you’re gonna step out and do your own thing.
Anon
3 years ago
A couple of years ago I married a man who I wasn’t attracted to but my family would like. This was back in 2017 and now we have 2 children. My family think I’m happy but I’m not. I pretend to my family that we have money and he’s good but we’re not. I’m not attracted to him, we don’t have deep conversations and he doesn’t really have a personality. It’s sad. He has the same car that breaks down here and there. He used to make me think he had money when I came down to london to visit with his flashy car and showering me with gifts. Now, he doesn’t get me gifts any more. He struggles to pay our bills and I feel stuck in this house with the two children no money and no friends. I blame myself because I choose what my family would want and not what I would want. I’m not happy with him and he makes me sick everytime I look at him. I’ve never been in love with him. He’s a people pleaser so he loves that my family like him and he gets an ego boost from it and it’s actually quite sad. Is our marriage for everyone else and not us?… I tried to spice it up but the attraction is just not there and he really does bore me. This isn’t a good reason for divorce and I wouldn’t do that to my children but I don’t see myself with him after they grow up. I know how this makes me look but I just want to look at my man and have that warm feeling in my heart and butterflies in my stomach and I used to get this with people I used to date before him. I’ve never had it with him. I rejected these other guys because I thought my husband would be better off financially but he’s not. He’s been working in the same place since we got married with no promotion and no ambition to do better and try and get a better job even tho we are struggling a lot financially to the point we can’t afford nice things for our children sometimes including basics like proper clothes. I’m embarrassed how long will we be just getting by?
I feel like the issue is you know you no longer want to be with this man, you are just trying to figure out an exit strategy. And you can’t because you’re worried about the kids.
This whole message is shit man, it was very hard to read 😭 I feel sorry for him, but I also feel sorry for you. I’m sure you would have preferred to marry someone you were in love with. The problem is, this whole situation is extra strained by the financial situation that you’re in- and his response to this is making things way worse. So now it just feels like the whole marriage is over
You’re worried about divorce and how this will affect your kids right? Look. It will affect them way worse if you guys continue to go head-to-head in front of them. What fucks up your kids is the FIGHTING. If you fight around them, whether it’s about them or not, that is fucking them up. If you manage to keep things peaceful and don’t hide it from your kids, help them understand, and make it seem as though it isn’t about anger, but just how things are, cools. The kids will be fine and they will adjust.
Kids pick up on stuff very quickly, and they know when their parents absolutely hate each other and this will affect their view on relationships for such a long time. So there is really no point just staying for the kids. Children from unbroken but shrill, immature, angry homes don’t ever do well. Children from loving mature homes do great. So it’s not divorce that is going to affect them, it’s HOW you divorce.
But if you only want to really get divorced because of this financial situation, ask yourself this: are you better off financially without him in the picture? Because you have to remember the harsh reality of what could happen if you were to suddenly get divorced. Do you have savings of your own? Can your family help you? Can you get a council house? Can you also get a job? If the answer to all these things are yes, then you are in a better position to restart your life. Go for it. But if not, you need to start preparing. Unfortunately you can’t just leave on a whim (obviously unless it’s abuse) – I mean you can but it’s just going to be so hard. That’s why so many women encourage young girls to have their “fuck off funds” and to not tell anyone about it. Even in good times, always build on your fuck off funds. Because you never know when you’ll need it.
I don’t know what to say here, but Wallahi you have a lot of thinking to do. You should definitely talk to someone outside of your parents and friends. Maybe try to reach out to someone who has been in this situation before. You need a plan, a real plan if you are going to choose your happiness (which you should) and to leave this man.
But part of me wants to say: marriage is not going to be smooth sailing all the time. Allah will test you guys with different things. Every marriage is going to have something they have to work on. And even then the love can fluctuate, but it’s kinda hard to want to stick through something if you’re not even physically attracted to them. Which makes this hard for me to advise you.
But if you’re not happy, you’re not attracted to this man and you DON’T love him, there’s only one thing you can really do.
Also I know this is counter productive to say, but you shouldn’t have married someone you wasn’t attracted to in the first place. And then to have two kids with them??? Come on man. I don’t want to scold you but Wallahi you made your bed. But I’m sure you’ve realised that now. It’s just a shame two children are involved in a situation that didn’t have to happen. Regardless this is a lesson learnt for the future. I feel really bad for your husband, he doesn’t deserve to be with someone who feels this way about him. Do both of yourselves a favour and do the right thing.
Last edited 3 years ago by Lulu
Anon
3 years ago
I’ve had many failed talking stages and I’m really keen on getting married soon inshallah. Idk if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m doing something wrong. How do I get guys to take me seriously?
It’s safe to say most people have had one failed talking stage atleast once in their lives. I think its important not to have your self worth tied to other people’s actions. People are in relationships willingly. If they dont want to be in a relationship thats fine.
However, this is the thing people need to understand. Sure everyone wants to be married, but given the experience you have had and the choice of men you have gone for: maybe these failed talking stages are a sign for you to low it. Honestly.
When you put too much pressure on yourself to get married, you end up finding unworthy men. And if you’re lucky, it will fizzle out before you even get to the marriage stage. Also for me anyway, multiple failed talking stages would be a hint for me to only start getting to know people who are INTENTIONAL. Not people for marriage. Do you see the difference here? You actually have to walk before you can run
What I mean by intentional is, I’m only getting to know people who have PURSUED me. He approached me, he asked to take me out very quickly instead of just being a pen pal all day. When a guy can spend 3 weeks getting to know you via text he’s not very intentional. In fact, this is basically a hit or miss for him, and he doesn’t care if the energy becomes really dead – because he’s not that invested. But someone who is intentional will be forward enough to take you on a date as soon as possible, because you being in his life is very important for him
For me those are the kind of people I would ever start dating. Me I can’t talk all day. I need to know if this is a good fit. Also talking stages can really bamboozle you and end up being a year long LOOOOL (my first ever talking stage when I was younger nearly hit a year 🤢)
And another thing. Stop talking about “where do you see this going rubbish”, because very quickly it will make the guy you’re seeing uncomfortable and he will get into his head. Going with the flow honestly worked in my favour in the past, because it just felt like the ball was in my court and I got to decide where this was going – instead of hoping someone saw me as wifey material. And eventually, when they see you go out, they’re gonna assume someone else is going to approach you – and because of that alone they will ask to be exclusive.
Anon
3 years ago
Hello, I am a young brother and I just wanted a women’s perspective on this. There is someone who I have strong reasons to believe is in love with me / crushing on me really hard. I don’t want to pursue a relationship with them or waste their time because I’m not attracted to them. I understand women are more sensitive and rejection can have a huge effect on their well being. Maybe I’m being “too considerate” but I just wanted to ask what is the nicest possible way to tell them I’m not attracted to them. I’ve tried giving them hints but they are persistent and they talk about how they are attracted to me…
Firstly, huge respect for you for intending to be honest with someone. Not many guys are willing to be so up front like that
Being rejected will hurt and to tell you the truth, I think she would prefer a guy to be really blunt and say “I don’t like you” than to let her imagination come up with all kinds of theories just to torture her in the long run. I know girls can be quite delusional so the only thing to do is to just be straight up.
“Hey, for a while I’ve felt like you wanted to get to know me more as a friend and I need to be honest with you. As much as I appreciate you, I don’t see you in that way. I honestly don’t say this to hurt you or kill your self esteem, but you need to know this for your own sake. There could easily be someone else who has tried to pursue you and I don’t want you to reject them because of me.”
Don’t say any of that “anyone would be lucky to have you” shit because it will make her throw up 😭
You might want to soften the blow a little to be kind but still be really clear with the words you choose. It’ll sting initially but at least she’ll know where you both stand
Anon
3 years ago
Salam sis, I’m in my 20s now and back when I was a teen I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. In it I made a few mistakes I got pressured and used sexually by a guy who I thought loved me. We did not have s** but we did kiss. I pray to Allah all the time to forgive me for my siins. I hate myself for getting used and not stopping myself from it happening. That being said. I am currently talking to an amazing guy he is so good to me and is everything I want in a partner. We’ve already started talking about getting married and I’A we plan to get married soon. I have not told him about my past and I am scared I’m going to lose him if he finds out. I don’t want to tell him because it brings up a lot of trauma for me. I’m not sure what to do.
Girl, it is okay. You kissed him and you repented. It’s done. You didn’t sleep with 10 man okay, you’re not a prostitute and you’re not any less of a woman because you kissed one person.
Omg I feel so bad that you even feel this way. You’re so harsh with yourself. Why would your potential spouse need to know you’ve kissed someone ? I don’t mean to laugh but it really sounds silly 😭 you haven’t done anything crazy
And on top of that, it’s none of his damn business.
Anon
3 years ago
What does it mean when a guy tells you that you’re lucky that he’s not like other guys? 😭Tells you that he knows that other guys would do worse. Idk why I’m thinking about this months after me and him have ended things. It just sounds mad edgy, but I get what he means as he is someone who fears Allah swt and is conscious of him. I was the one who mainly messed up in rship constantly panicking and becoming overwhelmed (towards the end of the relationship). I used to act compulsively without thinking at times, making mistakes that I would never would before. I kept having to choose between him and my family. I live in a community where they shame the family for letting their youngest daughter marry off before the eldest. I feel like this was a way of Allah swt revealing to him that I’m not ready for marriage (mentally). He’s not really a person who believes in mental health but he was a huge support system for majority of our relationship. It was genuinely a very happy, secure relationship with everything sound. When we tried reviving it, I was on a very edgy path, knowing that it could be over at any given moment. He would repeatedly shout at me on calls, be gone for long periods of time without replying to me. I can’t reveal anymore as my mutuals may find out who is this is from this alone. Please don’t post on twitter. BarakAllahu Feekum
I think this is a form of negging. I don’t think he means it as a compliment. He wants you to feel like you need to go above and beyond all the time or he will find someone else that’s more deserving of him.
It’s a good thing you guys ended things. Because I think that was only the start. Lowering your confidence and self esteem to the point when you are literally co dependent on him for reassurance and you’ll only look for that in him. And he can do anything to you but because of that co-dependency, you will take him back.
Men are very smart with how they navigate relationships with someone and some of them are very scary because a lot of it feels like psychological warfare. It’s the testing waters, and slowly picking at your self esteem – it’s so fucked up.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey sisters, love your platform and could do with some advice 😭
I fell in love with this boy at uni. He would always insist on being around me and we got very close. Toward the end of our second year he essentially did the same to another girl, but she wasn’t Muslim. Suddenly I wasn’t needed but when he was bored of her or we had assignments due he would pick up time with me. Then it came out that they had started a casual sex relationship and it broke me. I saw him as my best friend but suddenly he had someone else around all the time- and worse he was repeatedly committing zina with her. She became friends with the rest of our friends very quickly- and I felt like I was phased out. I was convinced they preferred her to me, just like he did.
Thankfully that time of my life is behind me now. They broke up a while ago and I haven’t spoken to either in years.
My dilemma is a mutual friend is getting married this year and has invited me. I really value the mutual friend but again she is someone who the other girl befriended and they are super close- so she will be at the event too. The wedding is very intimate so I will definitely be crossing paths with the girl.
My question is- how do I look at her and not get all those feelings rushing back? Even though I am over the guy whenever I look at this girl (like just pics on SM) or hear about her I feel like I’m not good enough. All I see is the girl he and everyone else fell in love with.
Should I just make an excuse and avoid the wedding?
I get how it’ll be weird for you, but it was so long ago and honestly – from her side, she doesn’t deserve animosity from you. You guys weren’t friends and she never went behind your back. And the same way he hurt you, he probably hurt her ten times worse because of their sexual relationship.
In your head you the other woman will be a bitch and you associate her with all the things your ex did, but so many girls end up being friends with someone who dated their ex 😭 it’s so weird. And it’s usually because once they realise there isn’t any actual beef, they might have something in common.
Hi,
I have been married for 10 months and alhamdullilah it’s been going alright. I have a problem which is that I don’t enjoy sex at all, my husbands p***s is small and ejaculates VERY quickly. I feel that my needs aren’t being met and I have tried to explain this to my husband on many occasion which he dismisses, if I say something that he’s doing during foreplay hurts he gets frustrated. I’ve tried to gently guide him towards something more comfortable for me during our intimate times but its fallen on deaf ears. I’m not a confrontational person but I decided to have a serious talk once and tell him I don’t feel comfortable, I thought he would be understanding but he actually said “I was messing up the flow” for shifting when the foreplay hurts. I tried to explain my side but I don’t think he wanted to listen. He got upset and said he’d work on it but nothing much has really changed. I literally hate having sex with him, he once asked him why I don’t initiate and I was like O_o. How can I fix this situation?
You need to figure out what gets you in the mood and communicate that with your husband. Are you attracted to him? Do you experience sexual attraction, in general, at all? If the answer to these questions is yes, then your intimacy life can improve.
Also, intimacy is not just about sex. There should be a proper amount of time and attention before attempting to have sex. I get quite a few of these dilemmas and I try to ignore it only because I know how immature people can be. But look. Particularly young men just feel like sex is only about intercourse, and I feel like that’s such an animalistic way of thinking about it. The ‘boom and you’re done’ kinda thing. And a lot of women complain that they are unsatisfied, there are even studies on this: the orgasm gap. When no, its meant to be really special and it takes time. Even holding hands, talking to each other, flirting before you even lead up to anything physical is apart of intimacy. And this aspect is very important for women
You want foreplay to be longer? Tell him! Be open in your communication. Tell him your likes and dislikes so you are both happy. I know it’s probably weird since you’ve never talked about this stuff with anyone before, but he’s your husband! Who else you gonna tell!?
But also sis, you need change your attitude a bit. Viewing sex as a chore definitely doesn’t help either. Try reframing it as a way to connect with your husband
What do you think about the whole concept of marriage killing long term relationships. There are people who have been together for years but then separate after a few years of marriage. Do you think there’s something about marriage drastically changes the dynamics of a relationship? I’d like to know your thoughts about this as someone who is recently married but been with your husband for longer.
Before I got married, I already felt like I was married and my friends felt like I was too- but its very different. I never thought that there would be a difference if we went from long term relationship to married…but the weird thing is that there is a difference. For me, anyways. But what I realised is, most of it was in my head if that makes sense.
And one thing I’m really glad about, is that my husband forced me to face these differences and to talk about it. And when I struggled to find the words to articulate it, it would give me the words and I’d go off from that.
How I would explain it is, you go from being so casual, no pressure, to once you get married – have a wave of pressure that literally consumes you. The expectations you have of yourself, or each other, what expectations people have of you as a married woman – it literally comes out of nowhere and it can be quite scary.
For me it was like:
Everyone see’s me just as someone’s wife and not my own person.
Do I need to cook every single day?
People asking me if I am going to wear the hijab now that I’m married (like bitch what does that even mean? Am I doing it for a husband or my lord?)
Feeling like you don’t want your relationship to change because you’re married
KIDS KIDS KIDS. Fighting baby fever even though you know you want to wait
Does he (your husband) expect more from you?
Is my youth over because I’m married?
Feeling like I had to share my husband to family/friends because once your married, its public knowledge. But before it felt like it was just private for me and no one could have it.
Those intrusive thoughts after marriage is what makes you feel like you have wedding blues, and it can quickly make you start thinking you weren’t ready for marriage. But the best thing was being encouraged to talk about these feelings and wallahi it reassured me so much.
My husband was like: “Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself, nothing has really changed.” – and for us, it was kinda true. Although we hadn’t lived together, we were always together, and especially a year before then when he met my family, he’d be around my family too. And I knew every single thing there was to know about him, I knew his good traits and bad ones too. He knew mine. If I’m feeling down, he knew how to deal with me and vice versa. I knew everything about his job, his friends. Financially nothing changed because he was taking care of me already before we got married. So the only thing that actually changed: was that we were islamically married and now living together. That was literally it. All those things I THOUGHT I had to do, I didn’t?
I went from feeling anxious to just being like “Oh you’re right, nothing is really different”
The expectations you have of each other straight away after marriage though, is what makes it feel like a big deal and it ultimately puts pressure on you guys as well.
Before marriage, you believe your partner is committed. After marriage, you know.
Before marriage, your relationship status is unclear to others. After marriage, it’s clear.
Before marriage, you can move anywhere only separately. After marriage, you are a unit.
It’s the fact that you and this other person have decided together that you will be committed solely to each other for the rest of your lives. I can’t really explain it, but I know emotionally and internally, there is a difference.
I feel like this pressure in marriages kills long-term relationships only because it’s a very hard thing to talk about. Not that its painful or anything, but it’s genuinely hard to articulate this invisible feeling. When you are physically hurt, you can explain why your hurt because people can see IT. But how can you explain what is going on in your head? On top of that, how do you explain it without hurting your spouses’ feelings? Because I honestly wouldn’t blame men if they thought the reason their wife had wedding blues was because they just weren’t happy with them, when in reality it has nothing to do with that. Its just hard to adapt to such big changes and one that involves big responsibilities. Intrusive thoughts in general can have a big effect on how you view things, but once you talk about it and try to articulate what it is that makes you feel anxious- and realise nah its actually fine- that anxious feeling passes.
Hey, girl
I’m getting married this year and I’ve known my fiancée for years and is not a stranger to me. We’ve never had sexual intercourse and he wants to do it. He says ‘ we’re gonna get married anyways ‘ ‘ it’s going to happen anyways ‘. He’s perfect all across and I cannot fault him in anything else. I love him dearly. I know his head will not turn. However lately I’ve been feeling pressured as I’m not giving in. He realised and apologised and said he will wait & how he’s not trying to pressure me. The only reason I’m scared is because I’m scared of what will happen later. E.g pregnancy, guilt etc. I understand there’s contraception and I’m looking into getting it. What are your thoughts on this & why do men think it’s acceptable to think like this when they think you’re getting married this deal is done when it actually isn’t??
I know he’s excited but he needs to chill. You are getting married in a few months, there’s not much long left. Don’t ruin what could bring a lot of barakah and happiness into your marriage because you guys can’t be patient
Just wait man honestly. In fact, remind each other of other things to look forward to. Ramadan is literally around the corner, and it could be an opportunity for both of you guys to get closer to Allah. And maybe, you guys can spend iftar together with each others families now that you are set to be married. I did that last year and it was so nice. There are more things to focus on leading up to the marriage other than sex. I know that’s the BIG thing but, it will happen- just wait.
And also, you need to start thinking about contraception for when you get married. That’s not something you do straight away. You need to spend weeks researching, going to your GP and to a sexual health clinic to find out which contraception works best for you. You can’t be impulsive with that sort of stuff. You might just end up with something that really badly affects your body.
Regarding why men think its acceptable, its because men are dumb. And sex is really all they think about, no matter how discrete they are about it. But there are other external factors too. Testosterone plays a role too. But also, sex is really the only kind of physical intimacy they’re allowed (by society/other men) to have. The focus isn’t really on emotionally intimacy because that’s not what makes them masculine.
Also, whilst women have high libido’s too, their attitudes to sex are completely different. For us, all the ducks have to be in a row before we even think of sex. There must be trust and emotional security, there needs to be marriage and there must be physical security too. ‘Will he stay with me after we have sex, the only way he will is if we’re married’ kind of attitude and ‘will he protect us’. When, and only when all these boxes are ticked will a woman be able to fully express her sexual nature. And once they have asked for your hand etc, a small portion of men will be like
“Well I am going to give you all of these things anyway, I mean we are getting married- so we might as well have sex.”
But no. There is a time and place for sex and if you guys haven’t done it now, what is a few more months to you guys?? Honestly! Especially when you’re ultimately doing this to please Allah. And it’ll be worth it because the marriage will be blessed
Hey!
This isn’t really much of a question but I need some advice. I’m a teenage muslim middle eastern girl and yk how they come. My parents aren’t strict or say but I feel like they stop me from living out certain experiences, like going to parties.. etc. And even though I know their worries come with right intention I can’t help but feel like they’re stopping me from living. I recently moved and making new friends has been a little difficult and I think if I had more access to things it wouldn’t be as hard. But idk is it right to blame it on them ? Am I wrong for wanting to go out more ?
Ultimately our parents know best and of course they are going to want to protect us from certain experiences. But I’m more inclined to think parents need to let their children find their own paths and allow them to make their own decisions. And also make them see the consequences of their actions first before you stop them. Because I’ve seen what happens to kids who are sheltered too much by their parents, they end up straying too far and beyond reconciliation in the future.
Don’t blame your parents, they just love you and want the best for you. But its still up to you whether you’re gonna step out and do your own thing.
A couple of years ago I married a man who I wasn’t attracted to but my family would like. This was back in 2017 and now we have 2 children. My family think I’m happy but I’m not. I pretend to my family that we have money and he’s good but we’re not. I’m not attracted to him, we don’t have deep conversations and he doesn’t really have a personality. It’s sad. He has the same car that breaks down here and there. He used to make me think he had money when I came down to london to visit with his flashy car and showering me with gifts. Now, he doesn’t get me gifts any more. He struggles to pay our bills and I feel stuck in this house with the two children no money and no friends. I blame myself because I choose what my family would want and not what I would want. I’m not happy with him and he makes me sick everytime I look at him. I’ve never been in love with him. He’s a people pleaser so he loves that my family like him and he gets an ego boost from it and it’s actually quite sad. Is our marriage for everyone else and not us?… I tried to spice it up but the attraction is just not there and he really does bore me. This isn’t a good reason for divorce and I wouldn’t do that to my children but I don’t see myself with him after they grow up. I know how this makes me look but I just want to look at my man and have that warm feeling in my heart and butterflies in my stomach and I used to get this with people I used to date before him. I’ve never had it with him. I rejected these other guys because I thought my husband would be better off financially but he’s not. He’s been working in the same place since we got married with no promotion and no ambition to do better and try and get a better job even tho we are struggling a lot financially to the point we can’t afford nice things for our children sometimes including basics like proper clothes. I’m embarrassed how long will we be just getting by?
I feel like the issue is you know you no longer want to be with this man, you are just trying to figure out an exit strategy. And you can’t because you’re worried about the kids.
This whole message is shit man, it was very hard to read 😭 I feel sorry for him, but I also feel sorry for you. I’m sure you would have preferred to marry someone you were in love with. The problem is, this whole situation is extra strained by the financial situation that you’re in- and his response to this is making things way worse. So now it just feels like the whole marriage is over
You’re worried about divorce and how this will affect your kids right? Look. It will affect them way worse if you guys continue to go head-to-head in front of them. What fucks up your kids is the FIGHTING. If you fight around them, whether it’s about them or not, that is fucking them up. If you manage to keep things peaceful and don’t hide it from your kids, help them understand, and make it seem as though it isn’t about anger, but just how things are, cools. The kids will be fine and they will adjust.
Kids pick up on stuff very quickly, and they know when their parents absolutely hate each other and this will affect their view on relationships for such a long time. So there is really no point just staying for the kids. Children from unbroken but shrill, immature, angry homes don’t ever do well. Children from loving mature homes do great. So it’s not divorce that is going to affect them, it’s HOW you divorce.
But if you only want to really get divorced because of this financial situation, ask yourself this: are you better off financially without him in the picture? Because you have to remember the harsh reality of what could happen if you were to suddenly get divorced. Do you have savings of your own? Can your family help you? Can you get a council house? Can you also get a job? If the answer to all these things are yes, then you are in a better position to restart your life. Go for it. But if not, you need to start preparing. Unfortunately you can’t just leave on a whim (obviously unless it’s abuse) – I mean you can but it’s just going to be so hard. That’s why so many women encourage young girls to have their “fuck off funds” and to not tell anyone about it. Even in good times, always build on your fuck off funds. Because you never know when you’ll need it.
I don’t know what to say here, but Wallahi you have a lot of thinking to do. You should definitely talk to someone outside of your parents and friends. Maybe try to reach out to someone who has been in this situation before. You need a plan, a real plan if you are going to choose your happiness (which you should) and to leave this man.
But part of me wants to say: marriage is not going to be smooth sailing all the time. Allah will test you guys with different things. Every marriage is going to have something they have to work on. And even then the love can fluctuate, but it’s kinda hard to want to stick through something if you’re not even physically attracted to them. Which makes this hard for me to advise you.
But if you’re not happy, you’re not attracted to this man and you DON’T love him, there’s only one thing you can really do.
Also I know this is counter productive to say, but you shouldn’t have married someone you wasn’t attracted to in the first place. And then to have two kids with them??? Come on man. I don’t want to scold you but Wallahi you made your bed. But I’m sure you’ve realised that now. It’s just a shame two children are involved in a situation that didn’t have to happen. Regardless this is a lesson learnt for the future. I feel really bad for your husband, he doesn’t deserve to be with someone who feels this way about him. Do both of yourselves a favour and do the right thing.
I’ve had many failed talking stages and I’m really keen on getting married soon inshallah. Idk if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m doing something wrong. How do I get guys to take me seriously?
It’s safe to say most people have had one failed talking stage atleast once in their lives. I think its important not to have your self worth tied to other people’s actions. People are in relationships willingly. If they dont want to be in a relationship thats fine.
However, this is the thing people need to understand. Sure everyone wants to be married, but given the experience you have had and the choice of men you have gone for: maybe these failed talking stages are a sign for you to low it. Honestly.
When you put too much pressure on yourself to get married, you end up finding unworthy men. And if you’re lucky, it will fizzle out before you even get to the marriage stage. Also for me anyway, multiple failed talking stages would be a hint for me to only start getting to know people who are INTENTIONAL. Not people for marriage. Do you see the difference here? You actually have to walk before you can run
What I mean by intentional is, I’m only getting to know people who have PURSUED me. He approached me, he asked to take me out very quickly instead of just being a pen pal all day. When a guy can spend 3 weeks getting to know you via text he’s not very intentional. In fact, this is basically a hit or miss for him, and he doesn’t care if the energy becomes really dead – because he’s not that invested. But someone who is intentional will be forward enough to take you on a date as soon as possible, because you being in his life is very important for him
For me those are the kind of people I would ever start dating. Me I can’t talk all day. I need to know if this is a good fit. Also talking stages can really bamboozle you and end up being a year long LOOOOL (my first ever talking stage when I was younger nearly hit a year 🤢)
And another thing. Stop talking about “where do you see this going rubbish”, because very quickly it will make the guy you’re seeing uncomfortable and he will get into his head. Going with the flow honestly worked in my favour in the past, because it just felt like the ball was in my court and I got to decide where this was going – instead of hoping someone saw me as wifey material. And eventually, when they see you go out, they’re gonna assume someone else is going to approach you – and because of that alone they will ask to be exclusive.
Hello, I am a young brother and I just wanted a women’s perspective on this. There is someone who I have strong reasons to believe is in love with me / crushing on me really hard. I don’t want to pursue a relationship with them or waste their time because I’m not attracted to them. I understand women are more sensitive and rejection can have a huge effect on their well being. Maybe I’m being “too considerate” but I just wanted to ask what is the nicest possible way to tell them I’m not attracted to them. I’ve tried giving them hints but they are persistent and they talk about how they are attracted to me…
Firstly, huge respect for you for intending to be honest with someone. Not many guys are willing to be so up front like that
Being rejected will hurt and to tell you the truth, I think she would prefer a guy to be really blunt and say “I don’t like you” than to let her imagination come up with all kinds of theories just to torture her in the long run. I know girls can be quite delusional so the only thing to do is to just be straight up.
“Hey, for a while I’ve felt like you wanted to get to know me more as a friend and I need to be honest with you. As much as I appreciate you, I don’t see you in that way. I honestly don’t say this to hurt you or kill your self esteem, but you need to know this for your own sake. There could easily be someone else who has tried to pursue you and I don’t want you to reject them because of me.”
Don’t say any of that “anyone would be lucky to have you” shit because it will make her throw up 😭
You might want to soften the blow a little to be kind but still be really clear with the words you choose. It’ll sting initially but at least she’ll know where you both stand
Salam sis, I’m in my 20s now and back when I was a teen I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. In it I made a few mistakes I got pressured and used sexually by a guy who I thought loved me. We did not have s** but we did kiss. I pray to Allah all the time to forgive me for my siins. I hate myself for getting used and not stopping myself from it happening. That being said. I am currently talking to an amazing guy he is so good to me and is everything I want in a partner. We’ve already started talking about getting married and I’A we plan to get married soon. I have not told him about my past and I am scared I’m going to lose him if he finds out. I don’t want to tell him because it brings up a lot of trauma for me. I’m not sure what to do.
Girl, it is okay. You kissed him and you repented. It’s done. You didn’t sleep with 10 man okay, you’re not a prostitute and you’re not any less of a woman because you kissed one person.
Omg I feel so bad that you even feel this way. You’re so harsh with yourself. Why would your potential spouse need to know you’ve kissed someone ? I don’t mean to laugh but it really sounds silly 😭 you haven’t done anything crazy
And on top of that, it’s none of his damn business.
What does it mean when a guy tells you that you’re lucky that he’s not like other guys? 😭Tells you that he knows that other guys would do worse. Idk why I’m thinking about this months after me and him have ended things. It just sounds mad edgy, but I get what he means as he is someone who fears Allah swt and is conscious of him. I was the one who mainly messed up in rship constantly panicking and becoming overwhelmed (towards the end of the relationship). I used to act compulsively without thinking at times, making mistakes that I would never would before. I kept having to choose between him and my family. I live in a community where they shame the family for letting their youngest daughter marry off before the eldest. I feel like this was a way of Allah swt revealing to him that I’m not ready for marriage (mentally). He’s not really a person who believes in mental health but he was a huge support system for majority of our relationship. It was genuinely a very happy, secure relationship with everything sound. When we tried reviving it, I was on a very edgy path, knowing that it could be over at any given moment. He would repeatedly shout at me on calls, be gone for long periods of time without replying to me. I can’t reveal anymore as my mutuals may find out who is this is from this alone. Please don’t post on twitter. BarakAllahu Feekum
I think this is a form of negging. I don’t think he means it as a compliment. He wants you to feel like you need to go above and beyond all the time or he will find someone else that’s more deserving of him.
It’s a good thing you guys ended things. Because I think that was only the start. Lowering your confidence and self esteem to the point when you are literally co dependent on him for reassurance and you’ll only look for that in him. And he can do anything to you but because of that co-dependency, you will take him back.
Men are very smart with how they navigate relationships with someone and some of them are very scary because a lot of it feels like psychological warfare. It’s the testing waters, and slowly picking at your self esteem – it’s so fucked up.
Hey sisters, love your platform and could do with some advice 😭
I fell in love with this boy at uni. He would always insist on being around me and we got very close. Toward the end of our second year he essentially did the same to another girl, but she wasn’t Muslim. Suddenly I wasn’t needed but when he was bored of her or we had assignments due he would pick up time with me. Then it came out that they had started a casual sex relationship and it broke me. I saw him as my best friend but suddenly he had someone else around all the time- and worse he was repeatedly committing zina with her. She became friends with the rest of our friends very quickly- and I felt like I was phased out. I was convinced they preferred her to me, just like he did.
Thankfully that time of my life is behind me now. They broke up a while ago and I haven’t spoken to either in years.
My dilemma is a mutual friend is getting married this year and has invited me. I really value the mutual friend but again she is someone who the other girl befriended and they are super close- so she will be at the event too. The wedding is very intimate so I will definitely be crossing paths with the girl.
My question is- how do I look at her and not get all those feelings rushing back? Even though I am over the guy whenever I look at this girl (like just pics on SM) or hear about her I feel like I’m not good enough. All I see is the girl he and everyone else fell in love with.
Should I just make an excuse and avoid the wedding?
I get how it’ll be weird for you, but it was so long ago and honestly – from her side, she doesn’t deserve animosity from you. You guys weren’t friends and she never went behind your back. And the same way he hurt you, he probably hurt her ten times worse because of their sexual relationship.
In your head you the other woman will be a bitch and you associate her with all the things your ex did, but so many girls end up being friends with someone who dated their ex 😭 it’s so weird. And it’s usually because once they realise there isn’t any actual beef, they might have something in common.