I’m hoping to get married soon but rarely find men I’m attracted to. Initially they’re good looking to me but after honing in on their features I start picking at random things and suddenly I’m not attracted to them anymore. I feel like this is so bad and its resulting in an unrealistically high meaningless standard. My question is, is it unrealistic to want someone whos perfect in my eyes and love every part of them or is it ok to see flaws if you get
Look, I wanna be very real with you. For someone who has this attitude, you have no business being married. You just need to focus on getting to know potentials. Let me tell you why
I mean, you can live like this and have those standards if you want. That’s completely fine. And in fact you can go for the guys you want and are most attracted too. But you have to be okay with someone being very critical with your appearance like you are to THEM. You have to live by your own standards. Idk about you, but for us women we are not up to scratch ALL THE TIME. I have never been pregnant before but I can imagine I probably won’t look my greatest. I don’t want my partner to look at me any differently during that period. And that is what marriage is, to me. Loving me regardless of what I look like. Obviously this isn’t the case for initial attraction, because you don’t owe anyone anything. But fixating on someone’s flaw especially one that changes (weight/hair ) isn’t love and it ain’t unconditional either. If you’re okay with having this mindset, you must be okay with someone having this mindset with you. But you probably aren’t. Because let a guy tell his girl you’re adding on a few pounds lately, we will all have a heart attack
That’s why I would say stick to dating people. You can redefine what is attractive to you. Happens all the time. It isn’t lowering your standards, it’s learning to like new things. And you can just leave if you don’t like it instead of lowering someone’s self esteem and forcing them to deal with it in the name of marriage.
If you only like one body type, or height range, or hair color or race or whatever it is, expand your options. There is no universal standard for buffness. I never used to like beards before but until I met someone with a beard, my opinion fucking changed😭 There are some traits that are commonly appreciated across groups of people of course, and I would actually stick to that. Initial attraction is important, but if you’re looking for flaws once you were initially attracted to someone than it could be a problem.
But I would never say don’t have high standards in terms of looks, do whatever it is you want. But constantly looking for flaws and fixating on them is counter productive honestly if I’m being real with you. And if you are willing to end things with someone because of this, you won’t be married for long.
Last edited 3 years ago by Lulu
Anon
3 years ago
Hey Lula,
Firstly thank you for setting up this page, it’s been really eye opening reading all the questions/ dilemmas and responses. May allah bless you abundantly!
Myself and my other half have been in a long distance relationship for nearly two years. We both live in the UK. Insha’allah we plan on getting engaged and hopefully married later on this year. My problem is he’s recently become very distant. I know he has his own personal struggles/ work pressures that he’s dealing with for the past few months so I try not to add to that and let him be. I work full time and my jobs also quite intense so we usually speak to each other most days and meet up every three weeks or so. We’ve met each other’s parents and siblings and everyone gets on really well. He’s the most kindest and loving person I know and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. My problem is I feel as though I’m always initiating the conversations and lately have been putting in a lot more effort into the relationship and I can’t lie, I’m starting to feel drained. When we do speak he’s just his usual self and I’m reminded of why I love this man but I just want him to make more of an effort so I also feel appreciated and wanted as I feel right now that I’m not a priority to him. I’m a massive over-thinker and I can’t help but think that something may be wrong and he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Alhamdulilah we’ve had a pretty smooth sailing relationship despite the distance so I don’t want to start causing issues especially if it’s just my overthinking that’s getting the better of me. What would you do in this situation? Address it and tell him how I really feel or ignore it and hope for the best.
I think towards the end of long distance relationships, its normal to feel some resentment at the situation and disappointment. But you need to have an open line of communication so you can voice those feelings with one another, but do it in the most neutral and supportive way possible. You guys are literally nearly at the finish line and I guess that’s why you’re becoming even more frustrated with the distance. But you need to address this and talk about it in a way that never places blame or guilt on him for a career event that was beyond his control. Mutual support is very important, even when you guys are frustrated.
Remind each other of the end goal is: which is marriage. Clarify the END DATE. For example: by November 2022 you’re gonna be married.
Realistically you guys need to start talking more so give yourselves a target. Messaging everyday and calling every few days. Maybe visit each other more often too.
Also, staying positive and just keeping that excitement is so so important. Long distance is fucking shit most of the time, but nothing compares to visits after a separation honestly. Whenever my husband would go away for work whilst we were dating, I literally used to count the days and hours until he was coming back to me. Most people never get to feel how it feels to see your loved one for the first time in several months, and I think that’s kinda exciting!!! Because every moment together feels sweeter and you never ever take it for granted. And I honestly feel like that’s how you drag out the butterflies because you never get comfortable.
Anon
3 years ago
Do I give her a gift on the first date, if so, what’s an ideal gift, I have no clue how these things work, something nice but physically compact so she doesn’t get disowned when she gets home, I’ve got one I know she wants but I’m gonna save it for a better time since it’s giant.
Kind regards,
A nigga that’s really tryna win for once 🥲
Get her something small like a perfume. My husband got me this on my 2nd date because the day before I complained about getting the wrong gift for myself, and the next time I saw him he told me to look under the car seat and it was the perfume I wanted in 200ml.
Those are small gifts but they really do mean a lot. Say something like “I need to get my mum a perfume but I don’t know what’s good.” – And discretely ask her what are her top 3, and there you go. When you give it to her, it won’t be just about the perfume. She will be more happier when she realises all the loops you had to go through to get it for her and that is what means a lot.
Anon
3 years ago
Do you ever get really odd questions or confessions that you cannot even put out , this being anonymous can get people really comfortable 🤣🤣
Sometimes, I have to trash whatever that’s obviously toooooo TMI and some that I’m just not in the position to give a good enough answer. But the majority of the dilemmas are really just a cry for help. One thing I like about non-muslim’s is they can actually seek out for advice in real time and don’t feel any shame. Some of the dilemmas here might seem far fetched but that’s only because you’re just not hearing about it in real life. When you’re someone that everyone goes to to just vent, you’ll know a lot of this shit right here is nothing compared to what people are actually going through
Anon
3 years ago
I think I sent you a dilemma about my husband not saying I love you yet. Ignore me he said it in the sweetest way today 😭😭😭
Hi sis! I wanted some insight on a dilemma I’m facing. I’ll try to keep it brief and simple. I’ve recently gotten married (and we just hit the 6 month mark) but I feel incredibly sexually dissatisfied. My husband is an amazing guy and the sweetest soul, but I made the mistake of previously having sex before marriage with an ex of mine. Although my husband I feel is alright in terms of size, I just can’t help but miss the sex I used to have with my old guy. He was much, much larger and just worked magic on me. Everything else in my marriage is perfectly fine, but I can’t help but miss how well my ex used to please me. I know it sounds bad but when my husband and I are intimate I just close my eyes and think of my ex, and what he used to do. Any advice? By the way I do not have any feelings for my ex, I just miss the sexual aspect.
The only thing here is you need to be very honest and let him know what it is you want. You need to speak up sis, STAN UP! STAN UP! Literally just say I want you to do this and I want that! Because I can’t lie, I feel sorry for your husband. It’s like putting him in a game without giving him the rules and expecting him to be a winner. No sis you got to tell him how he can win!
Anon
3 years ago
Hi, Sis this isn’t really a question about relationships etc but I love ur page and ur advice and I just wanted advice on this certain aspect of my life that is really bothering me. I am 20 and I’m very messy like I live by myself and I’m constantly having to tidy up and sometimes it gets to the point where I don’t tidy up after myself and I get in a rut I think it has to do with how I seen how hooyo used to keep her house quite messy whilst growing up and I really do enjoy having a tidy space because my mental health is better but it’s getting really embarrassing now as I have been living alone for 2 years and can’t grasp just being a tidy person and I know a girl shouldn’t be living in a messy untidy environment this has also impacted on my moods with how I have treated this boy I’ like I avoid him until I get my space tidy again sometimes I will avoid him for weeks then act fine when my apartment is clean and feeling in a better mind-state. Any advice on how to get out of ruts and just be a tidy person also it also impacts my daily life of course and how I treat people. I know it shouldn’t get like this but yh I tend to avoid everyone when I’m in this predicament and it’s not that I don’t want to it’s just mentally it’s very exhausting and it’s a cycle that I haven’t been able to break as of yet.
Clean dishes as you make them; never have more than one set dirty at a time.
Don’t just drop stuff where you are, put it back where it goes.
THROW OUT OLD SHIT: Get rid of stuff you don’t use; donate it, give it to a friend who will use it, or just throw it away. Same goes with old clothes, if you haven’t worn it in a year- it doesn’t need to be there. If you haven’t used it in a year you don’t need it. Throw it away or give it away.
Clean for 10 or 15 minutes everday. It makes a difference! I always wipe my surfaces in the living area before I go sleep, because even if the floor needs to be hovered- just having a clean surface makes the whole house feel clean
Pick up something or put something away every time you stand up
Have a schedule for the big stuff (cleaning the refrigerator, bathroom, etc…) – do it all on a Sunday and listen to a podcast whilst you’re doing it. Or just call your friends.
Anon
3 years ago
Hi love i have a dilemma regarding family. So i don’t really talk to my sisters anymore because whenever i would stop being friends with people they would befriend them and get close with them. Like i understand why my ex friends would do it (they want to get under my skin bc they know how close i am with my family) but i don’t understand why my own sisters would do that to me especially when i shared my hurt with them. It’s just really frustrating so am i in the wrong for not wanted to talk to them anymore. We used to be really close but i distance myself from them because i just feel hurt and disrespected by them and they still continue to be friends with the same people that hurt me. But also want to fix things but i’m really stubborn and my ego won’t let me get over the situation. At least for now and it’s been almost 3 years and i still can’t get passed it. I never envisioned myself to have a bad relationship with my sisters because i want our kids to be close and stuff like that. I’m crying typing this but i don’t know who else to turn to. I don’t be know us the girl who talks shit about her family. This whole situation made me not want to have friends because i fear the same thing happening where they befriend them if i stop being friends with them. How do you think i should go about this?
Awwwwww this honestly breaks my heart 🙁
As someone who does not exactly fancy some of my own sisters, I completely get it. Sometimes, your want for a real relationships and closeness might not match up to how they see you. For you, you’ve envisioned being so close, raising your kids together, but for them- they just don’t care about that. And that’s what you need to accept. They didn’t choose being your sister, and for some of us girls that are really sentimental, we think that means they have to choose being our friends too. But they actually don’t have to
You just happen to share a DNA with these people. But do you have to hold on to them forever? I don’t think so. You can love your family but also understand that you are also extremely different on many, sometimes vital, parts and ways of life, and that is okay.
Set your boundaries, make sure you know your worth and be cordial. You have to understand its never a good idea to maintain relationships with people who don’t like you. Because they will just do things to hurt you, which is exactly what your sisters have done to you. Be family and that’s it.
Anon
3 years ago
How do you create boundaries with your mum like she’s so personal especially on a financial level like constantly asking me more money and now she wants be to pay for my siblings holiday , I’m in second year uni and I’m so behind because I have to work extra for her , how do I tell her to allow me
Start telling your mum you are broke, and stop telling your family how much you’re earning. Don’t even mention stuff like SFE. And let her know, you are prioritising your studies so you can’t work as much. So whatever you are earning, its only enough for YOU. And sometimes you know what, ask your mum for money too. Many then she will realise this girl is down bad bad and she will stop asking you
Anon
3 years ago
How do you become more fun and spontaneous I’ve so up tight and plan every little thing that I’m staring to become miserable especially when things don’t go to plan
hey sis, I need some help…
I’m hoping to get married soon but rarely find men I’m attracted to. Initially they’re good looking to me but after honing in on their features I start picking at random things and suddenly I’m not attracted to them anymore. I feel like this is so bad and its resulting in an unrealistically high meaningless standard. My question is, is it unrealistic to want someone whos perfect in my eyes and love every part of them or is it ok to see flaws if you get
Look, I wanna be very real with you. For someone who has this attitude, you have no business being married. You just need to focus on getting to know potentials. Let me tell you why
I mean, you can live like this and have those standards if you want. That’s completely fine. And in fact you can go for the guys you want and are most attracted too. But you have to be okay with someone being very critical with your appearance like you are to THEM. You have to live by your own standards. Idk about you, but for us women we are not up to scratch ALL THE TIME. I have never been pregnant before but I can imagine I probably won’t look my greatest. I don’t want my partner to look at me any differently during that period. And that is what marriage is, to me. Loving me regardless of what I look like. Obviously this isn’t the case for initial attraction, because you don’t owe anyone anything. But fixating on someone’s flaw especially one that changes (weight/hair ) isn’t love and it ain’t unconditional either. If you’re okay with having this mindset, you must be okay with someone having this mindset with you. But you probably aren’t. Because let a guy tell his girl you’re adding on a few pounds lately, we will all have a heart attack
That’s why I would say stick to dating people. You can redefine what is attractive to you. Happens all the time. It isn’t lowering your standards, it’s learning to like new things. And you can just leave if you don’t like it instead of lowering someone’s self esteem and forcing them to deal with it in the name of marriage.
If you only like one body type, or height range, or hair color or race or whatever it is, expand your options. There is no universal standard for buffness. I never used to like beards before but until I met someone with a beard, my opinion fucking changed😭 There are some traits that are commonly appreciated across groups of people of course, and I would actually stick to that. Initial attraction is important, but if you’re looking for flaws once you were initially attracted to someone than it could be a problem.
But I would never say don’t have high standards in terms of looks, do whatever it is you want. But constantly looking for flaws and fixating on them is counter productive honestly if I’m being real with you. And if you are willing to end things with someone because of this, you won’t be married for long.
Hey Lula,
Firstly thank you for setting up this page, it’s been really eye opening reading all the questions/ dilemmas and responses. May allah bless you abundantly!
Myself and my other half have been in a long distance relationship for nearly two years. We both live in the UK. Insha’allah we plan on getting engaged and hopefully married later on this year. My problem is he’s recently become very distant. I know he has his own personal struggles/ work pressures that he’s dealing with for the past few months so I try not to add to that and let him be. I work full time and my jobs also quite intense so we usually speak to each other most days and meet up every three weeks or so. We’ve met each other’s parents and siblings and everyone gets on really well. He’s the most kindest and loving person I know and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. My problem is I feel as though I’m always initiating the conversations and lately have been putting in a lot more effort into the relationship and I can’t lie, I’m starting to feel drained. When we do speak he’s just his usual self and I’m reminded of why I love this man but I just want him to make more of an effort so I also feel appreciated and wanted as I feel right now that I’m not a priority to him. I’m a massive over-thinker and I can’t help but think that something may be wrong and he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Alhamdulilah we’ve had a pretty smooth sailing relationship despite the distance so I don’t want to start causing issues especially if it’s just my overthinking that’s getting the better of me. What would you do in this situation? Address it and tell him how I really feel or ignore it and hope for the best.
I think towards the end of long distance relationships, its normal to feel some resentment at the situation and disappointment. But you need to have an open line of communication so you can voice those feelings with one another, but do it in the most neutral and supportive way possible. You guys are literally nearly at the finish line and I guess that’s why you’re becoming even more frustrated with the distance. But you need to address this and talk about it in a way that never places blame or guilt on him for a career event that was beyond his control. Mutual support is very important, even when you guys are frustrated.
Remind each other of the end goal is: which is marriage. Clarify the END DATE. For example: by November 2022 you’re gonna be married.
Realistically you guys need to start talking more so give yourselves a target. Messaging everyday and calling every few days. Maybe visit each other more often too.
Also, staying positive and just keeping that excitement is so so important. Long distance is fucking shit most of the time, but nothing compares to visits after a separation honestly. Whenever my husband would go away for work whilst we were dating, I literally used to count the days and hours until he was coming back to me. Most people never get to feel how it feels to see your loved one for the first time in several months, and I think that’s kinda exciting!!! Because every moment together feels sweeter and you never ever take it for granted. And I honestly feel like that’s how you drag out the butterflies because you never get comfortable.
Do I give her a gift on the first date, if so, what’s an ideal gift, I have no clue how these things work, something nice but physically compact so she doesn’t get disowned when she gets home, I’ve got one I know she wants but I’m gonna save it for a better time since it’s giant.
Kind regards,
A nigga that’s really tryna win for once 🥲
Awwwww how cute!!
Get her something small like a perfume. My husband got me this on my 2nd date because the day before I complained about getting the wrong gift for myself, and the next time I saw him he told me to look under the car seat and it was the perfume I wanted in 200ml.
Those are small gifts but they really do mean a lot. Say something like “I need to get my mum a perfume but I don’t know what’s good.” – And discretely ask her what are her top 3, and there you go. When you give it to her, it won’t be just about the perfume. She will be more happier when she realises all the loops you had to go through to get it for her and that is what means a lot.
Do you ever get really odd questions or confessions that you cannot even put out , this being anonymous can get people really comfortable 🤣🤣
Sometimes, I have to trash whatever that’s obviously toooooo TMI and some that I’m just not in the position to give a good enough answer. But the majority of the dilemmas are really just a cry for help. One thing I like about non-muslim’s is they can actually seek out for advice in real time and don’t feel any shame. Some of the dilemmas here might seem far fetched but that’s only because you’re just not hearing about it in real life. When you’re someone that everyone goes to to just vent, you’ll know a lot of this shit right here is nothing compared to what people are actually going through
I think I sent you a dilemma about my husband not saying I love you yet. Ignore me he said it in the sweetest way today 😭😭😭
Awww yaaay!
Allahumabarik girl I am so happy for you, so cute
Hi sis! I wanted some insight on a dilemma I’m facing. I’ll try to keep it brief and simple. I’ve recently gotten married (and we just hit the 6 month mark) but I feel incredibly sexually dissatisfied. My husband is an amazing guy and the sweetest soul, but I made the mistake of previously having sex before marriage with an ex of mine. Although my husband I feel is alright in terms of size, I just can’t help but miss the sex I used to have with my old guy. He was much, much larger and just worked magic on me. Everything else in my marriage is perfectly fine, but I can’t help but miss how well my ex used to please me. I know it sounds bad but when my husband and I are intimate I just close my eyes and think of my ex, and what he used to do. Any advice? By the way I do not have any feelings for my ex, I just miss the sexual aspect.
Oh my god this is harsh.
The only thing here is you need to be very honest and let him know what it is you want. You need to speak up sis, STAN UP! STAN UP! Literally just say I want you to do this and I want that! Because I can’t lie, I feel sorry for your husband. It’s like putting him in a game without giving him the rules and expecting him to be a winner. No sis you got to tell him how he can win!
Hi, Sis this isn’t really a question about relationships etc but I love ur page and ur advice and I just wanted advice on this certain aspect of my life that is really bothering me. I am 20 and I’m very messy like I live by myself and I’m constantly having to tidy up and sometimes it gets to the point where I don’t tidy up after myself and I get in a rut I think it has to do with how I seen how hooyo used to keep her house quite messy whilst growing up and I really do enjoy having a tidy space because my mental health is better but it’s getting really embarrassing now as I have been living alone for 2 years and can’t grasp just being a tidy person and I know a girl shouldn’t be living in a messy untidy environment this has also impacted on my moods with how I have treated this boy I’ like I avoid him until I get my space tidy again sometimes I will avoid him for weeks then act fine when my apartment is clean and feeling in a better mind-state. Any advice on how to get out of ruts and just be a tidy person also it also impacts my daily life of course and how I treat people. I know it shouldn’t get like this but yh I tend to avoid everyone when I’m in this predicament and it’s not that I don’t want to it’s just mentally it’s very exhausting and it’s a cycle that I haven’t been able to break as of yet.
Here are my regular habits:
Clean dishes as you make them; never have more than one set dirty at a time.
Don’t just drop stuff where you are, put it back where it goes.
THROW OUT OLD SHIT: Get rid of stuff you don’t use; donate it, give it to a friend who will use it, or just throw it away. Same goes with old clothes, if you haven’t worn it in a year- it doesn’t need to be there. If you haven’t used it in a year you don’t need it. Throw it away or give it away.
Clean for 10 or 15 minutes everday. It makes a difference! I always wipe my surfaces in the living area before I go sleep, because even if the floor needs to be hovered- just having a clean surface makes the whole house feel clean
Pick up something or put something away every time you stand up
Have a schedule for the big stuff (cleaning the refrigerator, bathroom, etc…) – do it all on a Sunday and listen to a podcast whilst you’re doing it. Or just call your friends.
Hi love i have a dilemma regarding family. So i don’t really talk to my sisters anymore because whenever i would stop being friends with people they would befriend them and get close with them. Like i understand why my ex friends would do it (they want to get under my skin bc they know how close i am with my family) but i don’t understand why my own sisters would do that to me especially when i shared my hurt with them. It’s just really frustrating so am i in the wrong for not wanted to talk to them anymore. We used to be really close but i distance myself from them because i just feel hurt and disrespected by them and they still continue to be friends with the same people that hurt me. But also want to fix things but i’m really stubborn and my ego won’t let me get over the situation. At least for now and it’s been almost 3 years and i still can’t get passed it. I never envisioned myself to have a bad relationship with my sisters because i want our kids to be close and stuff like that. I’m crying typing this but i don’t know who else to turn to. I don’t be know us the girl who talks shit about her family. This whole situation made me not want to have friends because i fear the same thing happening where they befriend them if i stop being friends with them. How do you think i should go about this?
Awwwwww this honestly breaks my heart 🙁
As someone who does not exactly fancy some of my own sisters, I completely get it. Sometimes, your want for a real relationships and closeness might not match up to how they see you. For you, you’ve envisioned being so close, raising your kids together, but for them- they just don’t care about that. And that’s what you need to accept. They didn’t choose being your sister, and for some of us girls that are really sentimental, we think that means they have to choose being our friends too. But they actually don’t have to
You just happen to share a DNA with these people. But do you have to hold on to them forever? I don’t think so. You can love your family but also understand that you are also extremely different on many, sometimes vital, parts and ways of life, and that is okay.
Set your boundaries, make sure you know your worth and be cordial. You have to understand its never a good idea to maintain relationships with people who don’t like you. Because they will just do things to hurt you, which is exactly what your sisters have done to you. Be family and that’s it.
How do you create boundaries with your mum like she’s so personal especially on a financial level like constantly asking me more money and now she wants be to pay for my siblings holiday , I’m in second year uni and I’m so behind because I have to work extra for her , how do I tell her to allow me
Start telling your mum you are broke, and stop telling your family how much you’re earning. Don’t even mention stuff like SFE. And let her know, you are prioritising your studies so you can’t work as much. So whatever you are earning, its only enough for YOU. And sometimes you know what, ask your mum for money too. Many then she will realise this girl is down bad bad and she will stop asking you
How do you become more fun and spontaneous I’ve so up tight and plan every little thing that I’m staring to become miserable especially when things don’t go to plan
Be a yes man. Say yes to everything.
Also stop putting pressure on motives. If you worry less about winning and more about having fun playing, it comes naturally