Salaam! I was introduced to a guy at work and we got talking. Initially, I tried to recommend a friend of friend to him as she had more in common with him in terms of similar religious sect and ethnicity. However, he turned her down & we got talking for good two weeks. I had already made him aware that I was looking to settle down soon and wasn’t into dating. Yet he carried on, our convos were long and lasted all day. However, after those two weeks his energy started to decline (typical) yet we carried on texting, not regularly anymore. He started getting comfortable and would have pillow talks. He never once asked for my phone number or we never met up outside work eventhough he used to agree to meeting up every time I mentioned it. He would then also openly state how marriage was off limits for us without ever giving a reason and I never dwelled into it cos I didn’t want to look too keen since he had never even stated that he liked me in the first place & I was trying to hold on to the little self respect I had left. I am aware I was more like entertainment for him! 2 years later, I am still stuck on him. I have prayed constantly, done Tahajjud, Istikhara and would mention his name every time I broke my fast with hope that Allah may guide him to the right path and puts him in my life. I would even ask for him to be removed from my life if he wasn’t right for me but neither has happened. He is with someone now and has expressed his desire to settle down in general (not specifically with her) but we still make guest appearances here and there over text. I’m due to be going back to the office and he has asked to ‘get lunch’. Although, I know he sees me nothing but as ‘old friend’ now which he has constantly reiterated but part of me still has that small hope. They said dua changes qadr, but I am not sure how long to continue striving for this and whether to eventually give up as the pain is unbearable. Even if he was to agree to marrying me, he would have to change a lot in terms of religious beliefs to be able to fit in my family therefore, there is a lot to ask for but ofcourse nothing is impossible for Allah!
You need to get a grip and pick yourself up. Your reaction to this situation is completely over the top. You guys were only talking for, in your OWN words, a “good two weeks”.
You seriously need to have a sit down with yourself and ask why do you keep having this kind of attachment style. It’s not healthy. If you’re always seeing someone as salvation for your life. That if you keep relying on someone to fill the void and will make you whole, give you what you need and accept you how you are, then you are always going to be devastated when they leave. And you’ll still be broken even if it makes sense to leave. You wanted marriage, and he didn’t. He figured that out after 2 weeks and he cut. Good for him. You guys weren’t on the same page. I honestly don’t think he did anything wrong
Girl you’re also forgetting that this process is as much about you choosing someone as it is about them choosing you. Instead, you are sitting around hoping someone chooses you. The ball is always in someone else’ court and wallahi that’s a dangerous position to be in. Wallahi you are essentially leaving your heart in a stranger’s hands and just praying they are going to look after it. It’s too much.
Someone can correct me if I’m wrong but I think this is referred to as anxious attachement. Waiting around potentializing strangers, being anxious about if they’ll choose you forever, and getting devastated when they don’t. You need to start viewing yourself as the one who CHOOSES someone and if they don’t want you then you don’t want to be with that person either.
Anon
2 years ago
Assalamu alikum sister,
A brother here to ask for advice. I met a good sister sometime last year. At that time, I was not in a good place to get to know people and I’m not too sure why I did to be fair. She made it clear that the only purpose she was getting to know me was because she saw herself ready for marriage. I feel like we weren’t on the same page and so I broke things off.
Months later now, I got my shit together and I’m definitely ready to get to know her for marriage. My only worry here is, how to I approach her again after I was the one that broke things off? I’m worried she’s already getting to know someone and don’t want to get rejected by her. I know it will hurt lol. Or do I just move on and find someone else? What would you do if a guy rejected you but then came back for you months later?
If you want her back, you have to show her you’re someone that is worth getting to know again. And then if she’s still available you can ask her out again, but it’s harder to recover when you don’t prove yourself and put in the work. I’ll be honest, if someone is trying to spin the block again and they haven’t changed one bit, I would be offended. So you have to be really serious about getting to know her this time round.
First, get real honest about why you ended things, because it would be a bit rude and cheeky not to.
Saying “I didn’t have my shit together” – is NOT ENOUGH. You need to get into specifics. And you also need to let her know how that’s changed now. How do you have your shit together now? Don’t be too overbearing, just be honest and keep it short. You definitely owe her an explanation seeing as you’re the one who broke it off with her.
If she wants to give you a 2nd chance, make sure you remember that this is a 2nd chance. Don’t get comfortable. Plan a date and then take her on it. That whole “what do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do?” gets old very fast. Someone who doesn’t take initiative is off-putting. Also if you are going to do romantic gestures, make sure said romantic gestures are tailored to what she actually likes.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi,
My dilemma is I’ve been speaking to someone for half a year and in most aspects they’re amazing, especially compared to people I have been with in the past. They’re super caring and respectful of my boundaries and family oriented and we’re compatible in terms of our views on work, finances, family plans etc like it genuinely feels like this person was made for me. The only issues is that they don’t pray at all, apart from in Ramadan. They don’t engage in other sins like drinking etc, but I’d consider myself to be really practicing Alhamdulillah like I pray all my prayers in their prescribed time and wake up for tahajjud and read Quran everyday etc. Ive spoken to them about this and they say they WANT to get better and on it in terms of praying but they don’t even try and I don’t know what to do. I absolutely will not marry someone who doesn’t pray at all even only twice a day I would still see as effott and not mind and they know this, so I’m just confused what to do. I was thinking to see how Ramadan goes for them and if they’re able to keep up any after the month has finished but I don’t know if I have it in me to leave when after so many bad situations I finally found someone who is so good to me.
Any advice would be super appreciated, jazakallahu khairan in advance xx
I know this sounds a bit confrontational but the only way you’re going to find your answer and a solution, is when you ask.
Is it because he doesn’t know the importance of prayer? Then educate and teach him. Is it because his Iman is low, does he have depression? Encourage him to read quran and some podcasts on Islam, and also make dua for him. Are there obstacles that are preventing him from praying on time (eg work)? If you don’t run to prayer when the adhaan starts its very easy to say I will pray in 15 minutes and then time passes and you can forget. Also some people have experienced spiritual abuse in their childhood which has made practicing challenging. Could also be shaytan whispering to him not to pray. I am not trying to make excuses for him as we will all be held accountable for our prayer but I think it’s important to have grace for each other. Ultimately there can be many reasons as to why he doesn’t pray.
None of us are perfect Muslims but we can help each other become better. Lead by example so he will be encouraged to start praying more. Have sabr and mercy for him, you can make duaa, adhkar and prayer for him too.
But yeah that’s my advice. We all struggle with our imaan, and sometimes more than others. That is also a test from Allah. But sometimes all you need is someone to push you there. Maybe you’re that for him.
However, you’re also well in your rights to say you don’t want to pursue anything with him because of this. And it will be fair.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey Lula,
Thank you so much for this platform Allahuma Baarik this is such a great space and I’ve actually learned so much through your advice on this so I just want to say thank you! Honestly may Allah continue to keep blessing you Ameen! I’m hoping to get married next year, hopefully in the summertime Insha’Allah. Most of my family already knows and he plans to start telling his soon as well. (His family is the type to want to get things started ASAP so he’s delaying telling them until I have told my dad& brothers etc). I hope to tell them around the end of this year and start up the process then. Is 6/7 months enough to plan a wedding and sort out all the major arrangements eg living together and everything. Thank you !
I love messages like this so much man! Makes me feel like I’m doing a good job. Thank you so much 🙂
And 6-7 months is perfect. I had 90 days and I cried for 50 days of it because planning was THAT stressful and emotionally taxing. We also didn’t have help from family, so we had to do everything ourselves, even planning the actual nikkah day. But we still got it done. So in that regards, anything is possible especially when you have more than half a year to plan everything. And if both your families are helping out, you guys might just have to show up that day and thats it (outside of him fitting the bill).
I would say book make up as soon as you can, and hair. Those are the most important things. Get your best friends to plan a bridal shower for you. And let your family sort out the hall. Wallahi choose peace. Because if you’re anything like me who is too much of a control freak, it will stress you the fuck out. So my advice for you today is to accept help and choose peace girl!!
May Allah swt grant you the best marriage filled with blessings on blessings!!! Congratulations 🎉 🥳 🥂
Last edited 2 years ago by Lulu
Anon
2 years ago
Hi Lula, I hope your well, I really love the this page and enjoy reading it every night . May allah protect you, guide you and bless you with all that is good in this life and the next.
My question is how can you tell when a man is just infatuated with you and when he truly loves you – or can this only happen when your married?
And I genuinely believe, the only way you can tell if a man truly and I mean truly loves you is how he deals with you when you are experiencing hardship. That is how you find your answer.
If he is the type to say “Ah that’s mad.” – and doesn’t offer to elevate your pain, He doesn’t love you.
If he can watch you cry, and not want to fix whatever it is thats making you sad, he doesn’t love you.
If he can see that your family is hurting you, and not want to take you out of that environment as soon as he can, he doesn’t love you.
People say love comes after marriage but I don’t know if thats entirely true. For couples it can be different. Sometimes someone will show you how far they are willing to go for you in the name of love. And how badly they want to marry you. You will just know, because theres no such thing as being nonchalant. They’re proactive, and they always have an end goal in mind.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey! I just wanted to let some of these people who keep having obsessive thoughts about their relationship to look up relationship OCD!
Hey sis. The guy I’m getting to know appreciates me and is a huge supporter of me and he’s so kind and green flags all around. I do feel appreciated in the relationship and he gifts me periodically. It’s not been expensive gifts, flowers cards etc and it has brought joy to me and I think he’s gotten better at it too over time. I never knew before dating him how important gifting was to me but a lack of it made me voice my needs to him and I now see it as a non negotiable. How would I know if it’s his natural disposition to not be a gift giver and he’s just doing this to keep me happy and when we’re married it will all be different. How can a man romance you and keep it halal whilst your dating. I feel like I’m waiting on cute romantic dates in the future and how can I even be sure he will deliver and it’s not just empty words. He’s taken me out, just regular places and always paid but he’s not put much thought into it and that bothers me. I don’t know if I’m just nit-picking and it’s my self-sabotage coming through. Have your romantic expectations pre marriage and married stayed the same.
You probably are just nit-picking, because if he is spoiling you already- whats the problem?
If it’s that you think he’ll stop gift-giving and taking it you on dates, it’s very easy. When you notice he is getting complacent, let him know. And then, just stop being nice (Don’t be mean either). But men get really scared when you’re not nice to them. When they think you’re cool with their behaviour, they’re not going to want to fix it. But if it’s fucking up how much love they get from you, they are gonna want to fix it.
You have to be heavy handed from the beginning. He doesn’t pay for the date that day? Make it so he never tries to pull that shit again. The only problem is when you continue to let things slide. That is when there’s no coming back.
For me personally, the only expectations that changed for me was expecting more now that I’m married. Because now we got to be smart with our money, especially if we want our children to have a good life. But that’s only for seriously big gifts, so he will save those for big occasions like my birthday, anniversary and a young Eid. Small gifts, like flowers, perfume – he literally gets me every month. And my mentality has also changed too, because I appreciate those things instead of the REALLY big gifts, that in actuality, I don’t use that much. And I look at the other things he’s given me that are way more important, like giving me an amazing support system and a safe haven.
Gifts are not the end all be all and if you are up in arms about him not getting you designer stuff, trust me you will get bored of it after a few weeks. Don’t ruin what is clearly a very loving partner because you want him to get you a bag or something along those lines.
And if you want him to do things for you that are sentimental, say that! When you don’t ask, you don’t get
Anon
2 years ago
Asalamualaykum, Im divorced for 3 years now. My previous marriage was very difficult and traumatizing. I have had a man recently approach me for a proposal, we spoke for hours on end almost every other day, our conversations lasted 5-6 hours every time, he’s goofy, he is very mature, communicates well, and has not hesitated to show effort through his actions. Within two weeks of speaking, he tried to fly out to see me and to come meet my family to let them know his intentions and ask for my hand in marriage but I got really scared, shut down and ended it. A couple months later, he contacts me again and we speak briefly, generic talk about how we are, the family etc. he then asks if we can give us another try, he wanted to fly out to see me but again we didn’t because this time his circumstances wouldn’t allow him to last minute, an emergency (at work) came up last minute. (He travels a lot for work) I swear in my gut feeling I felt like he was being honest, he kept apologizing and promised he will make it up to me. I believe him but I was relieved because I was really nervous and almost canceled on him. I have never been this nervous to meet with someone before, speaking to him has showed me that I still need to heal. Anyways, I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks after that conversation of him apologizing etc. So I removed him from all social media and deleted his #. He watched my snapchat story without being added as my friend (my snaps can be viewed by people that are removed but not blocked) He watched it once, he clearly is aware I removed him from everything. I have prayed istikhara a few times, and I truly regret ending things with him. I have never had a man who was this straight forward, quick to make things halal and to show me through his actions. I really can’t stop thinking about him, it’s been 4 months. (The first time he contacted me after I ended it was 5 months) I was thinking about him a lot and felt like he moved on but he surprised me when he messaged me. Should I message him to apologize and explain or wait for him to message me? Or move on from him? I’m conflicted, if I contact him I’m really scared he will reject me. I made a promise to myself not to take him for granted if he ever reaches out to me. I’ve always believed a man should approach a woman but this is a bit different, I’m at fault. Anything could’ve happened to him in those weeks I didn’t hear from him but instead of communicating or asking if he’s okay, I removed him. Please advise me. Thank you.
Look. You’re right, you did fuck up. Sometimes when you’ve gone through a painful experience and you’re presented with the opportunity again, no matter how much you want it: you run in the opposite direction out of fear. Especially when its something like divorce and wanting to get remarried again, you internalise divorce and it makes you feel like the reason why it didn’t work out was because of your own inadequacy and failures. But no, it’s literally the Qadr of Allah swt. And sometimes things happen because they do. Nothing you can do about it.
You have to remind yourself that fear is the only enemy here, not love.
I would message him back, and I would sincerely apologise. And I will be honest. You owe him honesty. Let him know that this time apart has made you realise how much you want a future with him, and also how you didn’t appreciate him enough. Give him the reassurance he deserves.
And also, be okay with whatever answer he gives you. If he wants to pursue things furthere (Inshallah he does!) – then great, go for it and don’t hold yourself back again. And if he doesn’t, Allah has something better for you. And also, it will be a lesson to you not to let your fears hold you back again.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey babe, hope you’re doing good.
There’s this guy who’s literally my type to a T. Ticks all my boxes looks wise and also personality wise. I’ve always wanted someone who’s family oriented and career driven. Mashallah he’s exactly that. However he doesn’t live in my city.
So last year, things were so good. We’d speak ALL THE TIME. FaceTimes, phone calls everything. We’d make time for eachother at least once a month where we’d set aside a long weekend for each other and date nights and it worked well due to our busy schedules.
We was dating for about 5 months until it fizzled out due to his lack of communication.
He’d be too busy to ring me or text me or even communicate. So naturally I had left him to it and we didn’t speak anymore. There was no animosity between us, I had just met his energy and didn’t bother him and moved on with my life.
After 6 months of ZERO contact, he had recently contacted me to apologise for the way things had been left. He told me he had been going through some things and it was not personal and would like to pick things up from where we’d left of as he is in a much better place right now. I had took the opportunity to let him know that his lack of communication back then was unacceptable and he has since then apologised and worked on it.
Now alhamdulilah his communication skills are so much better, now he lets me know when he’s busy ensures there’s no ghosting happening.
HOWEVER, since reconnecting with him. He is yet to set some time aside for us to see eachother. It’s been SOOOOO long since I’ve seen him and he still claims he’s always busy with work. I feel like I’m pestering him when I ask him “so when am I going to see you”. He does reassure me that I’m the only girl he can see himself being with but right now he feels like a pen pal.
Sis do you think this “situationship” is a lost cause or do you think I should just ride it out?
How can his communication be better now if he is not willing to set aside time to see you? He is literally doing the same thing he did before. Wasting your time.
And you continue letting him WASTE YOUR TIME. Girl you need to stand up. Sometimes things do happen to people, and they have to step back. Maybe that might have not been the right time to pursue something with you. Calm. But if he was serious about you this time around, he wouldn’t be pulling the same tricks on you.
Right now, when you said “His communication is better now” – this is what’s really happening. He has dropped the bar so LOW that you are rewarding him when he does the bare minimum. You’re getting excited because he replies back to you now. And asking for him to come see you feels like its TOO MUCH, when its literally the bare minimum.
We have all been in a situationship once in our lives. What you need to hear is someone telling you this aint going nowhere. And guess what, IT AINT GOING NOWHERE!!
Situationships are not fun. They’re a waste of time and the only person who loses is you. Actually start dating people who like you. I really really don’t think this guy likes you enough. He’s so complacent and he’s 100% sure you’ll accept whatever breadcrumbs he throws at you. Don’t have it.
Watch him try come back to you when he starts hearing that you’ve move on (they always do LOL)
Anon
2 years ago
the girls wanna know if its ever okay to like a guys post on ig when you dont follow each other or is this coming on too strong – i always like and take my like back because it just feels SO wrong
Salaam! I was introduced to a guy at work and we got talking. Initially, I tried to recommend a friend of friend to him as she had more in common with him in terms of similar religious sect and ethnicity. However, he turned her down & we got talking for good two weeks. I had already made him aware that I was looking to settle down soon and wasn’t into dating. Yet he carried on, our convos were long and lasted all day. However, after those two weeks his energy started to decline (typical) yet we carried on texting, not regularly anymore. He started getting comfortable and would have pillow talks. He never once asked for my phone number or we never met up outside work eventhough he used to agree to meeting up every time I mentioned it. He would then also openly state how marriage was off limits for us without ever giving a reason and I never dwelled into it cos I didn’t want to look too keen since he had never even stated that he liked me in the first place & I was trying to hold on to the little self respect I had left. I am aware I was more like entertainment for him! 2 years later, I am still stuck on him. I have prayed constantly, done Tahajjud, Istikhara and would mention his name every time I broke my fast with hope that Allah may guide him to the right path and puts him in my life. I would even ask for him to be removed from my life if he wasn’t right for me but neither has happened. He is with someone now and has expressed his desire to settle down in general (not specifically with her) but we still make guest appearances here and there over text. I’m due to be going back to the office and he has asked to ‘get lunch’. Although, I know he sees me nothing but as ‘old friend’ now which he has constantly reiterated but part of me still has that small hope. They said dua changes qadr, but I am not sure how long to continue striving for this and whether to eventually give up as the pain is unbearable. Even if he was to agree to marrying me, he would have to change a lot in terms of religious beliefs to be able to fit in my family therefore, there is a lot to ask for but ofcourse nothing is impossible for Allah!
Sis.
You know what I’m going to say to you right?
You need to get a grip and pick yourself up. Your reaction to this situation is completely over the top. You guys were only talking for, in your OWN words, a “good two weeks”.
You seriously need to have a sit down with yourself and ask why do you keep having this kind of attachment style. It’s not healthy. If you’re always seeing someone as salvation for your life. That if you keep relying on someone to fill the void and will make you whole, give you what you need and accept you how you are, then you are always going to be devastated when they leave. And you’ll still be broken even if it makes sense to leave. You wanted marriage, and he didn’t. He figured that out after 2 weeks and he cut. Good for him. You guys weren’t on the same page. I honestly don’t think he did anything wrong
Girl you’re also forgetting that this process is as much about you choosing someone as it is about them choosing you. Instead, you are sitting around hoping someone chooses you. The ball is always in someone else’ court and wallahi that’s a dangerous position to be in. Wallahi you are essentially leaving your heart in a stranger’s hands and just praying they are going to look after it. It’s too much.
Someone can correct me if I’m wrong but I think this is referred to as anxious attachement. Waiting around potentializing strangers, being anxious about if they’ll choose you forever, and getting devastated when they don’t. You need to start viewing yourself as the one who CHOOSES someone and if they don’t want you then you don’t want to be with that person either.
Assalamu alikum sister,
A brother here to ask for advice. I met a good sister sometime last year. At that time, I was not in a good place to get to know people and I’m not too sure why I did to be fair. She made it clear that the only purpose she was getting to know me was because she saw herself ready for marriage. I feel like we weren’t on the same page and so I broke things off.
Months later now, I got my shit together and I’m definitely ready to get to know her for marriage. My only worry here is, how to I approach her again after I was the one that broke things off? I’m worried she’s already getting to know someone and don’t want to get rejected by her. I know it will hurt lol. Or do I just move on and find someone else? What would you do if a guy rejected you but then came back for you months later?
If you want her back, you have to show her you’re someone that is worth getting to know again. And then if she’s still available you can ask her out again, but it’s harder to recover when you don’t prove yourself and put in the work. I’ll be honest, if someone is trying to spin the block again and they haven’t changed one bit, I would be offended. So you have to be really serious about getting to know her this time round.
First, get real honest about why you ended things, because it would be a bit rude and cheeky not to.
Saying “I didn’t have my shit together” – is NOT ENOUGH. You need to get into specifics. And you also need to let her know how that’s changed now. How do you have your shit together now? Don’t be too overbearing, just be honest and keep it short. You definitely owe her an explanation seeing as you’re the one who broke it off with her.
If she wants to give you a 2nd chance, make sure you remember that this is a 2nd chance. Don’t get comfortable. Plan a date and then take her on it. That whole “what do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do?” gets old very fast. Someone who doesn’t take initiative is off-putting. Also if you are going to do romantic gestures, make sure said romantic gestures are tailored to what she actually likes.
Hi,
My dilemma is I’ve been speaking to someone for half a year and in most aspects they’re amazing, especially compared to people I have been with in the past. They’re super caring and respectful of my boundaries and family oriented and we’re compatible in terms of our views on work, finances, family plans etc like it genuinely feels like this person was made for me. The only issues is that they don’t pray at all, apart from in Ramadan. They don’t engage in other sins like drinking etc, but I’d consider myself to be really practicing Alhamdulillah like I pray all my prayers in their prescribed time and wake up for tahajjud and read Quran everyday etc. Ive spoken to them about this and they say they WANT to get better and on it in terms of praying but they don’t even try and I don’t know what to do. I absolutely will not marry someone who doesn’t pray at all even only twice a day I would still see as effott and not mind and they know this, so I’m just confused what to do. I was thinking to see how Ramadan goes for them and if they’re able to keep up any after the month has finished but I don’t know if I have it in me to leave when after so many bad situations I finally found someone who is so good to me.
Any advice would be super appreciated, jazakallahu khairan in advance xx
Ask him straight up why he isn’t praying.
I know this sounds a bit confrontational but the only way you’re going to find your answer and a solution, is when you ask.
Is it because he doesn’t know the importance of prayer? Then educate and teach him. Is it because his Iman is low, does he have depression? Encourage him to read quran and some podcasts on Islam, and also make dua for him. Are there obstacles that are preventing him from praying on time (eg work)? If you don’t run to prayer when the adhaan starts its very easy to say I will pray in 15 minutes and then time passes and you can forget. Also some people have experienced spiritual abuse in their childhood which has made practicing challenging. Could also be shaytan whispering to him not to pray. I am not trying to make excuses for him as we will all be held accountable for our prayer but I think it’s important to have grace for each other. Ultimately there can be many reasons as to why he doesn’t pray.
None of us are perfect Muslims but we can help each other become better. Lead by example so he will be encouraged to start praying more. Have sabr and mercy for him, you can make duaa, adhkar and prayer for him too.
But yeah that’s my advice. We all struggle with our imaan, and sometimes more than others. That is also a test from Allah. But sometimes all you need is someone to push you there. Maybe you’re that for him.
However, you’re also well in your rights to say you don’t want to pursue anything with him because of this. And it will be fair.
Hey Lula,
Thank you so much for this platform Allahuma Baarik this is such a great space and I’ve actually learned so much through your advice on this so I just want to say thank you! Honestly may Allah continue to keep blessing you Ameen! I’m hoping to get married next year, hopefully in the summertime Insha’Allah. Most of my family already knows and he plans to start telling his soon as well. (His family is the type to want to get things started ASAP so he’s delaying telling them until I have told my dad& brothers etc). I hope to tell them around the end of this year and start up the process then. Is 6/7 months enough to plan a wedding and sort out all the major arrangements eg living together and everything. Thank you !
I love messages like this so much man! Makes me feel like I’m doing a good job. Thank you so much 🙂
And 6-7 months is perfect. I had 90 days and I cried for 50 days of it because planning was THAT stressful and emotionally taxing. We also didn’t have help from family, so we had to do everything ourselves, even planning the actual nikkah day. But we still got it done. So in that regards, anything is possible especially when you have more than half a year to plan everything. And if both your families are helping out, you guys might just have to show up that day and thats it (outside of him fitting the bill).
I would say book make up as soon as you can, and hair. Those are the most important things. Get your best friends to plan a bridal shower for you. And let your family sort out the hall. Wallahi choose peace. Because if you’re anything like me who is too much of a control freak, it will stress you the fuck out. So my advice for you today is to accept help and choose peace girl!!
May Allah swt grant you the best marriage filled with blessings on blessings!!! Congratulations 🎉 🥳 🥂
Hi Lula, I hope your well, I really love the this page and enjoy reading it every night . May allah protect you, guide you and bless you with all that is good in this life and the next.
My question is how can you tell when a man is just infatuated with you and when he truly loves you – or can this only happen when your married?
Awwww thank you so much! Ameen sis
And I genuinely believe, the only way you can tell if a man truly and I mean truly loves you is how he deals with you when you are experiencing hardship. That is how you find your answer.
If he is the type to say “Ah that’s mad.” – and doesn’t offer to elevate your pain, He doesn’t love you.
If he can watch you cry, and not want to fix whatever it is thats making you sad, he doesn’t love you.
If he can see that your family is hurting you, and not want to take you out of that environment as soon as he can, he doesn’t love you.
People say love comes after marriage but I don’t know if thats entirely true. For couples it can be different. Sometimes someone will show you how far they are willing to go for you in the name of love. And how badly they want to marry you. You will just know, because theres no such thing as being nonchalant. They’re proactive, and they always have an end goal in mind.
Hey! I just wanted to let some of these people who keep having obsessive thoughts about their relationship to look up relationship OCD!
ooooo this is interesting
Hey sis. The guy I’m getting to know appreciates me and is a huge supporter of me and he’s so kind and green flags all around. I do feel appreciated in the relationship and he gifts me periodically. It’s not been expensive gifts, flowers cards etc and it has brought joy to me and I think he’s gotten better at it too over time. I never knew before dating him how important gifting was to me but a lack of it made me voice my needs to him and I now see it as a non negotiable. How would I know if it’s his natural disposition to not be a gift giver and he’s just doing this to keep me happy and when we’re married it will all be different. How can a man romance you and keep it halal whilst your dating. I feel like I’m waiting on cute romantic dates in the future and how can I even be sure he will deliver and it’s not just empty words. He’s taken me out, just regular places and always paid but he’s not put much thought into it and that bothers me. I don’t know if I’m just nit-picking and it’s my self-sabotage coming through. Have your romantic expectations pre marriage and married stayed the same.
You probably are just nit-picking, because if he is spoiling you already- whats the problem?
If it’s that you think he’ll stop gift-giving and taking it you on dates, it’s very easy. When you notice he is getting complacent, let him know. And then, just stop being nice (Don’t be mean either). But men get really scared when you’re not nice to them. When they think you’re cool with their behaviour, they’re not going to want to fix it. But if it’s fucking up how much love they get from you, they are gonna want to fix it.
You have to be heavy handed from the beginning. He doesn’t pay for the date that day? Make it so he never tries to pull that shit again. The only problem is when you continue to let things slide. That is when there’s no coming back.
For me personally, the only expectations that changed for me was expecting more now that I’m married. Because now we got to be smart with our money, especially if we want our children to have a good life. But that’s only for seriously big gifts, so he will save those for big occasions like my birthday, anniversary and a young Eid. Small gifts, like flowers, perfume – he literally gets me every month. And my mentality has also changed too, because I appreciate those things instead of the REALLY big gifts, that in actuality, I don’t use that much. And I look at the other things he’s given me that are way more important, like giving me an amazing support system and a safe haven.
Gifts are not the end all be all and if you are up in arms about him not getting you designer stuff, trust me you will get bored of it after a few weeks. Don’t ruin what is clearly a very loving partner because you want him to get you a bag or something along those lines.
And if you want him to do things for you that are sentimental, say that! When you don’t ask, you don’t get
Asalamualaykum, Im divorced for 3 years now. My previous marriage was very difficult and traumatizing. I have had a man recently approach me for a proposal, we spoke for hours on end almost every other day, our conversations lasted 5-6 hours every time, he’s goofy, he is very mature, communicates well, and has not hesitated to show effort through his actions. Within two weeks of speaking, he tried to fly out to see me and to come meet my family to let them know his intentions and ask for my hand in marriage but I got really scared, shut down and ended it. A couple months later, he contacts me again and we speak briefly, generic talk about how we are, the family etc. he then asks if we can give us another try, he wanted to fly out to see me but again we didn’t because this time his circumstances wouldn’t allow him to last minute, an emergency (at work) came up last minute. (He travels a lot for work) I swear in my gut feeling I felt like he was being honest, he kept apologizing and promised he will make it up to me. I believe him but I was relieved because I was really nervous and almost canceled on him. I have never been this nervous to meet with someone before, speaking to him has showed me that I still need to heal. Anyways, I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks after that conversation of him apologizing etc. So I removed him from all social media and deleted his #. He watched my snapchat story without being added as my friend (my snaps can be viewed by people that are removed but not blocked) He watched it once, he clearly is aware I removed him from everything. I have prayed istikhara a few times, and I truly regret ending things with him. I have never had a man who was this straight forward, quick to make things halal and to show me through his actions. I really can’t stop thinking about him, it’s been 4 months. (The first time he contacted me after I ended it was 5 months) I was thinking about him a lot and felt like he moved on but he surprised me when he messaged me. Should I message him to apologize and explain or wait for him to message me? Or move on from him? I’m conflicted, if I contact him I’m really scared he will reject me. I made a promise to myself not to take him for granted if he ever reaches out to me. I’ve always believed a man should approach a woman but this is a bit different, I’m at fault. Anything could’ve happened to him in those weeks I didn’t hear from him but instead of communicating or asking if he’s okay, I removed him. Please advise me. Thank you.
Awwwwww I just want to give you a hug
Look. You’re right, you did fuck up. Sometimes when you’ve gone through a painful experience and you’re presented with the opportunity again, no matter how much you want it: you run in the opposite direction out of fear. Especially when its something like divorce and wanting to get remarried again, you internalise divorce and it makes you feel like the reason why it didn’t work out was because of your own inadequacy and failures. But no, it’s literally the Qadr of Allah swt. And sometimes things happen because they do. Nothing you can do about it.
You have to remind yourself that fear is the only enemy here, not love.
I would message him back, and I would sincerely apologise. And I will be honest. You owe him honesty. Let him know that this time apart has made you realise how much you want a future with him, and also how you didn’t appreciate him enough. Give him the reassurance he deserves.
And also, be okay with whatever answer he gives you. If he wants to pursue things furthere (Inshallah he does!) – then great, go for it and don’t hold yourself back again. And if he doesn’t, Allah has something better for you. And also, it will be a lesson to you not to let your fears hold you back again.
Hey babe, hope you’re doing good.
There’s this guy who’s literally my type to a T. Ticks all my boxes looks wise and also personality wise. I’ve always wanted someone who’s family oriented and career driven. Mashallah he’s exactly that. However he doesn’t live in my city.
So last year, things were so good. We’d speak ALL THE TIME. FaceTimes, phone calls everything. We’d make time for eachother at least once a month where we’d set aside a long weekend for each other and date nights and it worked well due to our busy schedules.
We was dating for about 5 months until it fizzled out due to his lack of communication.
He’d be too busy to ring me or text me or even communicate. So naturally I had left him to it and we didn’t speak anymore. There was no animosity between us, I had just met his energy and didn’t bother him and moved on with my life.
After 6 months of ZERO contact, he had recently contacted me to apologise for the way things had been left. He told me he had been going through some things and it was not personal and would like to pick things up from where we’d left of as he is in a much better place right now. I had took the opportunity to let him know that his lack of communication back then was unacceptable and he has since then apologised and worked on it.
Now alhamdulilah his communication skills are so much better, now he lets me know when he’s busy ensures there’s no ghosting happening.
HOWEVER, since reconnecting with him. He is yet to set some time aside for us to see eachother. It’s been SOOOOO long since I’ve seen him and he still claims he’s always busy with work. I feel like I’m pestering him when I ask him “so when am I going to see you”. He does reassure me that I’m the only girl he can see himself being with but right now he feels like a pen pal.
Sis do you think this “situationship” is a lost cause or do you think I should just ride it out?
Sis. My good sis, listen to me
How can his communication be better now if he is not willing to set aside time to see you? He is literally doing the same thing he did before. Wasting your time.
And you continue letting him WASTE YOUR TIME. Girl you need to stand up. Sometimes things do happen to people, and they have to step back. Maybe that might have not been the right time to pursue something with you. Calm. But if he was serious about you this time around, he wouldn’t be pulling the same tricks on you.
Right now, when you said “His communication is better now” – this is what’s really happening. He has dropped the bar so LOW that you are rewarding him when he does the bare minimum. You’re getting excited because he replies back to you now. And asking for him to come see you feels like its TOO MUCH, when its literally the bare minimum.
We have all been in a situationship once in our lives. What you need to hear is someone telling you this aint going nowhere. And guess what, IT AINT GOING NOWHERE!!
Situationships are not fun. They’re a waste of time and the only person who loses is you. Actually start dating people who like you. I really really don’t think this guy likes you enough. He’s so complacent and he’s 100% sure you’ll accept whatever breadcrumbs he throws at you. Don’t have it.
Watch him try come back to you when he starts hearing that you’ve move on (they always do LOL)
the girls wanna know if its ever okay to like a guys post on ig when you dont follow each other or is this coming on too strong – i always like and take my like back because it just feels SO wrong
Yeah why not? Now if you were to jump in the dms, that might be coming on too strong. But a young like?? That will probably peak his interest