Hey sis recently married here for a couple months now Alhamdulilah. I was wondering what your advice on contraception would be?
Everyone I’ve spoken to has some sort of complication with them and I’m already an emotional person I don’t know if I can handle the strain it causes us mentally along side the physical side effects?
What would you suggest I do?
being a woman is just long cos why must I now come and kill myself for that gender?? Myth.
(Oh my god i just re read this again and it sounds like i meant you having been using contraception LMAO when i meant you didnt sort out contraception before you got married) – 05/05/2022
Omg so what are you using now LOOOOL??
Okay for now anyway, if you are already, stick to condoms. I don’t want to be that annoying person who says you can still get pregnant if you use the natural method but….. you can still get very much pregnant sis.
You need to do a lot of research, and you need to know your own body. Do you gain weight very quickly? Do you experience a lot of low moods? Have you ever had acne before? If you are susceptible to all those things: avoid hormonal birth control. Don’t learn the hard way.
I’ve seen friends become so depressed because of the pill and the implant. Gain weight too. So if you feel like this could happen to you, go for non-hormonal birth control. But sometimes it can work out quite well too. My older sister became really underweight after she gave birth, but when she went on the pill, she gained a lot of weight and even got a lil booty.
I’m not a doctor obviously but I felt so informed after I heavily researched. I literally spent months watching videos on youtube, going on reddit before I even spoke to a Sexual Health professional. I think that really made the process more comfortable for me. I hate going into something that I have no knowledge of my own to reference back to.
You can go anywhere btw. The nurse at your GP. Sexual Health Clinic (which is what I advise). At first it might feel weird, but trust me, the way they reassure you – you’ll feel at peace. Trust me. I know in our community stuff like this is a taboo, but that’s why you gotta just say fuck it because not-knowing doesn’t benefit you in the slightest. In fact, in this circumstance, not being informed will literally hinder you.
Last edited 2 years ago by Lulu
Anon
2 years ago
There was this one guy I was talking to a couple months ago and I’ve got to say he’s an angel. Like the others and all the stories I hear and even some I read on here am so surprised. Like I shouldn’t of cut him off because I didn’t feel ready lol. Am reading about people being financially cut off, being shouted at, they’re mid insecurities being spoken about and am like damn my mans was an angel Fr. Never thought I’d meet someone so sweet and kind and I only realised it way afterwards I was in my own world then. So basically the question is 😭 is it fine to return to someone because the streets are a mess? Is that a valid reason or does it seem am going back to him because I actually like him. I don’t know why I feel this crazy pull I never had before whether it’s because he’s seems good because everyone else is bad or if he acc was super sweet the way I feel he is. Imo he was an angel before and after and that I can never take away from him.
Ask yourself do you actually like him or are the streets just empty right now??
Yes, its completely understandable that you’ve realised you had a good thing you didn’t appreciate that much. And sure, spin the block and see if he’s interested again.
But why did you leave the first time? Was he boring, did you just want to know other people? You have to address THAT first because if you go back and you realise you feel the same way again, you’re wasting everyones time.
Anon
2 years ago
when’s the sister verse coming back?? have me checking every sunday at 8😭😭😭
Theres so many to go through! I’ve been putting all the stories on one folder and theres at least 9 stories. I have to read so many and make sure I check for any spelling mistakes or errors.
My next assignment to submit is on Monday so inshallah after then I can get back to it. Make dua for me that I do well guys please
Anon
2 years ago
*VERY LONG SORRY lol*
Hi sis, so my dilemma is more about friendships. During my sixth form days and high school I had a lot of friends but one best friend I’ve known since I was 12-13, I loved this girl like a sister and we shared everything about each other on a level I’ve never connected with anyone. Due to my extreme anxiety it’s always been hard for me to connect with people for more than surface level so I thank God I had found a friend who I could be my total self around. Skip forward a few years and I decided to marry the guy I had been in a long term relationship with which turned ugly and abusive. Once I had left that relationship and confided in my best friend she completely drifted away whilst my mental health was at its lowest, she was no where to be found. I reached out multiple times to her and told her how much I cared for our friendship but it was never reciprocated- she would text me 6 months later and apologise for not being there which she has done from the ages of 19 to now 22. My heart really hurts because I love her dearly and but she only seems to remember me every 6-7 months, same thing happened last year and I chose to try fight for our friendship and even spent my birthday with her but she ghosted me again. I don’t know if this sounds pathetic but I still love and care about her and always wonder if I did anything to push her away, maybe she couldn’t deal with me talking about my trauma or being in a bad place in my life. I don’t know if I should cut my loses with that friendship and try to build new ones (which I’ve found extremely hard at this stage of my life) I’ve tried to pray more and ask God for fulfilling friendships, as sad as that sounds
– I’d really love some advice 🙂
I am really proud of you that you managed to get out of that horrible situation. You should be so proud of yourself too. Alhamdulilah.
But let’s take a step back. You need to understand why your friend is really hurt and you have to acknowledge you were the one that hurt her. It’s hard to imagine how you could hurt people when you have clearly gone through something worse. But that doesn’t stop your actions from hurting the people around you.
Often we see friends disappearing into their relationship black holes. This is especially the case for people who are in abusive relationships. They become isolated from their friends, and even though you are the one that is experiencing the abuse, your outside friendships become collateral. To them, all they see is your centre of emotional support has shifted. You probably didn’t realise it, but whenever you had a problem – you would just go to them. But when you were happy, good vibes, you would go to your relationship. Yes friends are always meant to be there for you, but no one deserves to just be a convenient friend.
We will all have this kind of internal conflict to go through, especially when we start developing new relationships. But there is going to be a turning point when you have to decide whether or not you will find balance.
Wallahi if this is a friend you love dearly and want her in your life. Let her know. When a guy hurts your feelings, he will get you flowers or he will write you a letter. He wants to show you how sorry he is because the word ‘sorry’ is simply not enough. Apply that to your friendships too.
Order her some flowers that will come to her house, and you’ll have an option to write her a note. When you do, be as honest as you can. Don’t hold back. Tell her that you were isolated in this abusive relationship, and that you didn’t realise how much this was affecting your own relationships with people. We already know you have been wronged, but she also needs to understand how hard it was for YOU. When you’re in a dire situation, there’s no magical remedy that can just get you out of it. It’s so easy for your friends to advise you to ‘leave’ but its not easy. Especially when the abuse is invisible, it’s hard for people to have sabr for you.
It’s like saying to depressed people, just be happy.
Or someone with social anxiety to just go outside.
People genuinely don’t fully understand suffering of this kind unless they have experienced it themselves. But use this an opportunity to educate her. Say you are on the mend, that the first step was leaving him but that wasn’t a small feat either. In fact, it was the hardest step of all. She needs to know how brave you were to even do that. She needs to know that and she must also extend grace to you as well.
I honestly hope you guys can repair your friendship soon, inshallah you will! Please update me !
Anon
2 years ago
Hey sisters, i hope you both are doing well!! With the age of the internet and how accessible porn is, and the natural hormones of men, Im curious on how i could ask a potential if he watches it? Im not particular on if its a past thing, as thats with him and Allah swt. But alot of men still actively watch it even from time to time and I truly dont want to be with someone who does. This is kind of tricky cause men lie as well. Im just not sure how to navigate this. Any ideas would be appreciated! May allah swt continue to bless both of you ❤️
Trying to find out whether a guy has watched porn is futile. That’s unless you’ve caught him or seen it on his phone yourself. Because they will just lie to you. But there are tell tell signs:
– They’re low effort and impatient or trying to initiate sex right away. They aren’t willing to wait to marry you. They don’t need or want to put effort into women because they just seem them as ‘holes’.
– Very soulless eyes when you’re talking to them. Porn poisons the soul. They don’t care about anything you’re just saying, they are just looking at you like a piece of meat.
– Check his social media profiles. Who does he follow? Are the majority of these girls half naked?
– Ask him about drug use. Weed in particular.
– Inability to develop a warm and intimate connection without sexualising it. Whenever you have a deep conversation, somehow he makes a sexual joke. Anything and everything can be turned into an innuendo.
– Desensitisation and general indifference towards violence and disrespect against women. This is really a big one.
– Talking about how often he plans on having sex when he gets married.
– Requesting nudes. He is either asking for nudes to send to his friends or even worse, m*sterbate to them.
– Lack off affectionate conversation during everyday interactions, so affectionate terms only happen when he is about to say something sexual.
The reality is, porn is far too accessible. Its everywhere. However, there are men that exist who don’t watch it or have stopped watching it. More men are starting to realise that porn is literally an energy sucking mind prison sapping them of their vital life energy. They’re waking up. My advice would be to go for someone who fears Allah, because that fear alone will scare them any time they even think of watching it
Anon
2 years ago
Hey sis I’ve been speaking to this guy for a while now 6months or so and honestly back in the days my friends used to teasehim because of his appearance and ngl I used to sit there and entertain it cause I personally didn’t know him back then. We’ve been speaking for a while now and I’ve come to see he’s actually a really nice funny guy and we get along so well but I’m kinda afraid/ embarrassed to tell my friends because of the way they used to speak about him. I know I might sound shallow but I don’t really find him attractive but I love the vibe his personality and how he’s so polite and caring. I’ve never really had any luck with other guys I’m usually attracted too as they seem to have no personality but I’m so conflicted because I feel so guilty for just caring about his looks.
Its not shallow. People who think personality is everything are just as delusional as people who are only into looks. You need a balance, and no matter what, you have to be somewhat attracted to your whoever it is you’re dating. Its human nature. You definitely don’t need to feel shallow about this. Its normal.
Relationships usually start with intense attraction that tapers a tad off as the relationship develops into something stable, because now it becomes more of an emotional bond rather than just the physical. I don’t think it works the other way around. Its also unfair to this guy too if you know him and your friends are going to have something to say about his looks. Let him be with someone else. Your need to be in a relationship shouldn’t be at the expense of someone else’s self esteem.
Anon
2 years ago
Why are you creating a platform that encourages young girls to seek out marriages to be image? Don’t you have anything else to offer
If you haven’t noticed (probably haven’t, just talking for the sake of it), I in fact actually encourage singleness and focusing on YOUR career instead of marriage.
And if we’re going there cutie, I been telling the young girls to not go for any Tom, dick or Harry.
If I was being negligent which I know is what you’re implying, I would have encouraged everyone asking to get married. But I haven’t 🤣 I let my baby girls know whatever you can get from a man, you can give to YOURSELF.
On that note, ladies focus on getting your OWN money and only leave your mums house when someone is going to take you out the hood 😉 👋🏾
OKURRR
Anon
2 years ago
Hey Lula, I need some assistance. I’m somali and I’m studying medicine and I had a huge passion for it in the beginning but now that I’m in my 3rd year I’m genuinely tired of it. I work a retail job and have realised from young I have sought academic validation to please my parents as that was the only way I was shown any sort of love. I worked very hard and won awards, scholarships and always had people label me the ‘smart one’ etc but I’m burnt tf out! My mental health is horrible rn. I just missed a 50% assessment as I had literally 0 motivation and the saddest part is, I didn’t even care!!! Like I felt so good taking control of something in my life FINALLY after all these years of pleasing my parents and Over achieving. I don’t want to drop out of uni but I’m so lost. Will I get my motivation back? I’m going to the doctor to see a therapist but I genuinely need a break! Ik my parents won’t understand so I haven’t said anything to them and tbh it’s none of their business but I’m just so tired of overworking myself. Any advice would be amazing Lula ❤️
I think Universities have planned leave program. You are considered a student but don’t have to take any courses. Sometimes it’s just the right about of break. You should see if your university offers such a program. While a break may be beneficial for some people, its really easy to stop going to Uni and never go back. So if you do take a break, you need to be 100% you will go back.
I honestly think you should sit a year out. No degree is ever worth losing your sanity. Honestly I would lie to my parents and say I’m still studying but focusing on a dissertation. Leave and come back refreshed. And who knows, in that break you might actually find something you’re really passionate in and pursue that instead.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey girl, I’m about to get married. Me (21f) and my husband to be (23m) are emotionally incompatible. Honestly it’s mostly my fault I guess. I’m a highly sensitive person and I tend to expect a lot of comfort. He’s the first person I go to when something goes wrong and I’m upset. He is more of an intellectualiser where he doesn’t feel his emotions he just kinda thinks them away. We have been getting into conflicts over this because when I’m upset he doesn’t really know how to comfort me as he’s not a big talker. In person it’s amazing because there’s the physical comfort but any other time he just goes quiet and I feel very alone with my issues. Then I argue with him about how he doesn’t care etc but in reality he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset me more. Then he will blow up and say he didn’t do anything. Ik that once you get married your problems get magnified so idk what to do. Ik that I need to find other outlets and I’m pretty sure it’s my anxious attachment style that is incompatible with his fearful/avoidant attachment style but idk what to do sis. We have both committed to doing better in this regard but how deep is this really? Do you think it could get better with time? Am I in the wrong? Thank you in advance Lula!
If you want me to be completely honest, don’t get married. Take your time.
Emotional Intelligence is the simple most important quality you could ever want in a husband. No amount of money, looks or personality could make up for this. I promise you Emotional intelligence is the engine oil of the machinery of any marraige. Without it you’re fucked.
There might be numerous situation where you would really want to be with someone who understands you, stay with you in your pain, sickness, trouble etc, listen to how your day went etc. These are not the things which require intelligence to understand but these are definitely the things which needs emotions to understand. And honestly speaking these are the things that matter way more than other important things. Having low emotional intelligence simple means, he lacks the ability to manage his own emotions in positive ways hence there’s tendency to misunderstand situations, blow things out of proportion and even worse, acts erratic. Everytime you’re sad, instead of comforting you, he takes it personally and his first reaction is to defend himself.
You clearly want someone who is more supportive and understanding of your emotional needs and this person has, time and again, not only failed you but even refuses to admit his failures.
But you know what, he is also 23 years old. He is still a boy. Emotional Intelligence is not something you just get overnight. Personally speaking, it probably happened for me at 23. If I got married before then, I think I’d be a nightmare. He sounds a bit like me, I definitely used to see things as either black or white. I was definitely a solutionist when it came to hearing someone’s problems. But having that kind of attitude all the time is not healthy in relationships. Yes you want someone who will solve your problems, but you also need someone that just listens to you, hold you when you’re upset. You guys are so young. Honestly there’s not need to rush into marriage. At least wait until you guys are emotionally compatible, because these issues will 100% manifest the second you get married.
Anon
2 years ago
I started speaking to this guy a few months ago. We were both thinking about marriage long term.
Everything was going really well, but all of a sudden about two weeks ago he started becoming a bit off with me. I did question him on this and he said he’s been busy and not feeling too good. He said he wants to focus on himself for a bit.. which I completely get. Seems like he’s loosing interest?
However, he was not being straight up with me on this situation, so we went around in circles until he finally said he does still like me, and marriage is the intention, but he just feels like it will work between us.
I stopped speaking to him after this, but was that the right thing to do, or should I have given him a chance to explore why it won’t work? He hasn’t messaged me since all this though..
Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. The worst person to be with is someone who doesn’t know what they want when you do. Because even if they like you, its like dangling a fiver on top of a homeless man. You end up hoping he will change his mind.
If you guys were on the same page then it would have been fine, but you’re not.
Him not being ready is not a bad thing either. Its not that he doesn’t know what he wants, its that he doesn’t know what he wants with you yet, and maybe that’s because he doesn’t know you enough. What everyone wants in their lives is to be better than they were before. Most people won’t know what type of relationship (if any) with you will most contribute to that end until they get to know you a little, then they can answer the question.
You’re trying to jump ahead and know the answers to questions people don’t and shouldn’t necessarily know the answers to until they get to know you. Dating involves uncertainty, that’s just a part of it. If you are 100% sure you want one thing and want to rule out any other options that’s ok, but most people don’t feel the same way and you can’t just demand that they start feeling that way.
This is why I’m never a fan of marriage talks straight away. It puts too much pressure and it tends to scare people off who aren’t ready for that big of a commitment. Naturally people come to that conclusion themselves anyway when they spend time with you and build a bond. So just wait for that next time.
Hey sis recently married here for a couple months now Alhamdulilah. I was wondering what your advice on contraception would be?
Everyone I’ve spoken to has some sort of complication with them and I’m already an emotional person I don’t know if I can handle the strain it causes us mentally along side the physical side effects?
What would you suggest I do?
being a woman is just long cos why must I now come and kill myself for that gender?? Myth.
Damn you didn’t do this before you got married
(Oh my god i just re read this again and it sounds like i meant you having been using contraception LMAO when i meant you didnt sort out contraception before you got married) – 05/05/2022
Omg so what are you using now LOOOOL??
Okay for now anyway, if you are already, stick to condoms. I don’t want to be that annoying person who says you can still get pregnant if you use the natural method but….. you can still get very much pregnant sis.
You need to do a lot of research, and you need to know your own body. Do you gain weight very quickly? Do you experience a lot of low moods? Have you ever had acne before? If you are susceptible to all those things: avoid hormonal birth control. Don’t learn the hard way.
I’ve seen friends become so depressed because of the pill and the implant. Gain weight too. So if you feel like this could happen to you, go for non-hormonal birth control. But sometimes it can work out quite well too. My older sister became really underweight after she gave birth, but when she went on the pill, she gained a lot of weight and even got a lil booty.
I’m not a doctor obviously but I felt so informed after I heavily researched. I literally spent months watching videos on youtube, going on reddit before I even spoke to a Sexual Health professional. I think that really made the process more comfortable for me. I hate going into something that I have no knowledge of my own to reference back to.
You can go anywhere btw. The nurse at your GP. Sexual Health Clinic (which is what I advise). At first it might feel weird, but trust me, the way they reassure you – you’ll feel at peace. Trust me. I know in our community stuff like this is a taboo, but that’s why you gotta just say fuck it because not-knowing doesn’t benefit you in the slightest. In fact, in this circumstance, not being informed will literally hinder you.
There was this one guy I was talking to a couple months ago and I’ve got to say he’s an angel. Like the others and all the stories I hear and even some I read on here am so surprised. Like I shouldn’t of cut him off because I didn’t feel ready lol. Am reading about people being financially cut off, being shouted at, they’re mid insecurities being spoken about and am like damn my mans was an angel Fr. Never thought I’d meet someone so sweet and kind and I only realised it way afterwards I was in my own world then. So basically the question is 😭 is it fine to return to someone because the streets are a mess? Is that a valid reason or does it seem am going back to him because I actually like him. I don’t know why I feel this crazy pull I never had before whether it’s because he’s seems good because everyone else is bad or if he acc was super sweet the way I feel he is. Imo he was an angel before and after and that I can never take away from him.
Ask yourself do you actually like him or are the streets just empty right now??
Yes, its completely understandable that you’ve realised you had a good thing you didn’t appreciate that much. And sure, spin the block and see if he’s interested again.
But why did you leave the first time? Was he boring, did you just want to know other people? You have to address THAT first because if you go back and you realise you feel the same way again, you’re wasting everyones time.
when’s the sister verse coming back?? have me checking every sunday at 8😭😭😭
Theres so many to go through! I’ve been putting all the stories on one folder and theres at least 9 stories. I have to read so many and make sure I check for any spelling mistakes or errors.
My next assignment to submit is on Monday so inshallah after then I can get back to it. Make dua for me that I do well guys please
*VERY LONG SORRY lol*
Hi sis, so my dilemma is more about friendships. During my sixth form days and high school I had a lot of friends but one best friend I’ve known since I was 12-13, I loved this girl like a sister and we shared everything about each other on a level I’ve never connected with anyone. Due to my extreme anxiety it’s always been hard for me to connect with people for more than surface level so I thank God I had found a friend who I could be my total self around. Skip forward a few years and I decided to marry the guy I had been in a long term relationship with which turned ugly and abusive. Once I had left that relationship and confided in my best friend she completely drifted away whilst my mental health was at its lowest, she was no where to be found. I reached out multiple times to her and told her how much I cared for our friendship but it was never reciprocated- she would text me 6 months later and apologise for not being there which she has done from the ages of 19 to now 22. My heart really hurts because I love her dearly and but she only seems to remember me every 6-7 months, same thing happened last year and I chose to try fight for our friendship and even spent my birthday with her but she ghosted me again. I don’t know if this sounds pathetic but I still love and care about her and always wonder if I did anything to push her away, maybe she couldn’t deal with me talking about my trauma or being in a bad place in my life. I don’t know if I should cut my loses with that friendship and try to build new ones (which I’ve found extremely hard at this stage of my life) I’ve tried to pray more and ask God for fulfilling friendships, as sad as that sounds
– I’d really love some advice 🙂
I am really proud of you that you managed to get out of that horrible situation. You should be so proud of yourself too. Alhamdulilah.
But let’s take a step back. You need to understand why your friend is really hurt and you have to acknowledge you were the one that hurt her. It’s hard to imagine how you could hurt people when you have clearly gone through something worse. But that doesn’t stop your actions from hurting the people around you.
Often we see friends disappearing into their relationship black holes. This is especially the case for people who are in abusive relationships. They become isolated from their friends, and even though you are the one that is experiencing the abuse, your outside friendships become collateral. To them, all they see is your centre of emotional support has shifted. You probably didn’t realise it, but whenever you had a problem – you would just go to them. But when you were happy, good vibes, you would go to your relationship. Yes friends are always meant to be there for you, but no one deserves to just be a convenient friend.
We will all have this kind of internal conflict to go through, especially when we start developing new relationships. But there is going to be a turning point when you have to decide whether or not you will find balance.
Wallahi if this is a friend you love dearly and want her in your life. Let her know. When a guy hurts your feelings, he will get you flowers or he will write you a letter. He wants to show you how sorry he is because the word ‘sorry’ is simply not enough. Apply that to your friendships too.
Order her some flowers that will come to her house, and you’ll have an option to write her a note. When you do, be as honest as you can. Don’t hold back. Tell her that you were isolated in this abusive relationship, and that you didn’t realise how much this was affecting your own relationships with people. We already know you have been wronged, but she also needs to understand how hard it was for YOU. When you’re in a dire situation, there’s no magical remedy that can just get you out of it. It’s so easy for your friends to advise you to ‘leave’ but its not easy. Especially when the abuse is invisible, it’s hard for people to have sabr for you.
It’s like saying to depressed people, just be happy.
Or someone with social anxiety to just go outside.
People genuinely don’t fully understand suffering of this kind unless they have experienced it themselves. But use this an opportunity to educate her. Say you are on the mend, that the first step was leaving him but that wasn’t a small feat either. In fact, it was the hardest step of all. She needs to know how brave you were to even do that. She needs to know that and she must also extend grace to you as well.
I honestly hope you guys can repair your friendship soon, inshallah you will! Please update me !
Hey sisters, i hope you both are doing well!! With the age of the internet and how accessible porn is, and the natural hormones of men, Im curious on how i could ask a potential if he watches it? Im not particular on if its a past thing, as thats with him and Allah swt. But alot of men still actively watch it even from time to time and I truly dont want to be with someone who does. This is kind of tricky cause men lie as well. Im just not sure how to navigate this. Any ideas would be appreciated! May allah swt continue to bless both of you ❤️
Trying to find out whether a guy has watched porn is futile. That’s unless you’ve caught him or seen it on his phone yourself. Because they will just lie to you. But there are tell tell signs:
– They’re low effort and impatient or trying to initiate sex right away. They aren’t willing to wait to marry you. They don’t need or want to put effort into women because they just seem them as ‘holes’.
– Very soulless eyes when you’re talking to them. Porn poisons the soul. They don’t care about anything you’re just saying, they are just looking at you like a piece of meat.
– Check his social media profiles. Who does he follow? Are the majority of these girls half naked?
– Ask him about drug use. Weed in particular.
– Inability to develop a warm and intimate connection without sexualising it. Whenever you have a deep conversation, somehow he makes a sexual joke. Anything and everything can be turned into an innuendo.
– Desensitisation and general indifference towards violence and disrespect against women. This is really a big one.
– Talking about how often he plans on having sex when he gets married.
– Requesting nudes. He is either asking for nudes to send to his friends or even worse, m*sterbate to them.
– Lack off affectionate conversation during everyday interactions, so affectionate terms only happen when he is about to say something sexual.
The reality is, porn is far too accessible. Its everywhere. However, there are men that exist who don’t watch it or have stopped watching it. More men are starting to realise that porn is literally an energy sucking mind prison sapping them of their vital life energy. They’re waking up. My advice would be to go for someone who fears Allah, because that fear alone will scare them any time they even think of watching it
Hey sis I’ve been speaking to this guy for a while now 6months or so and honestly back in the days my friends used to teasehim because of his appearance and ngl I used to sit there and entertain it cause I personally didn’t know him back then. We’ve been speaking for a while now and I’ve come to see he’s actually a really nice funny guy and we get along so well but I’m kinda afraid/ embarrassed to tell my friends because of the way they used to speak about him. I know I might sound shallow but I don’t really find him attractive but I love the vibe his personality and how he’s so polite and caring. I’ve never really had any luck with other guys I’m usually attracted too as they seem to have no personality but I’m so conflicted because I feel so guilty for just caring about his looks.
Its not shallow. People who think personality is everything are just as delusional as people who are only into looks. You need a balance, and no matter what, you have to be somewhat attracted to your whoever it is you’re dating. Its human nature. You definitely don’t need to feel shallow about this. Its normal.
Relationships usually start with intense attraction that tapers a tad off as the relationship develops into something stable, because now it becomes more of an emotional bond rather than just the physical. I don’t think it works the other way around. Its also unfair to this guy too if you know him and your friends are going to have something to say about his looks. Let him be with someone else. Your need to be in a relationship shouldn’t be at the expense of someone else’s self esteem.
Why are you creating a platform that encourages young girls to seek out marriages to be image? Don’t you have anything else to offer
Is this your first time here?? 🤣🤣🤣
If you haven’t noticed (probably haven’t, just talking for the sake of it), I in fact actually encourage singleness and focusing on YOUR career instead of marriage.
And if we’re going there cutie, I been telling the young girls to not go for any Tom, dick or Harry.
If I was being negligent which I know is what you’re implying, I would have encouraged everyone asking to get married. But I haven’t 🤣 I let my baby girls know whatever you can get from a man, you can give to YOURSELF.
On that note, ladies focus on getting your OWN money and only leave your mums house when someone is going to take you out the hood 😉 👋🏾
OKURRR
Hey Lula, I need some assistance. I’m somali and I’m studying medicine and I had a huge passion for it in the beginning but now that I’m in my 3rd year I’m genuinely tired of it. I work a retail job and have realised from young I have sought academic validation to please my parents as that was the only way I was shown any sort of love. I worked very hard and won awards, scholarships and always had people label me the ‘smart one’ etc but I’m burnt tf out! My mental health is horrible rn. I just missed a 50% assessment as I had literally 0 motivation and the saddest part is, I didn’t even care!!! Like I felt so good taking control of something in my life FINALLY after all these years of pleasing my parents and Over achieving. I don’t want to drop out of uni but I’m so lost. Will I get my motivation back? I’m going to the doctor to see a therapist but I genuinely need a break! Ik my parents won’t understand so I haven’t said anything to them and tbh it’s none of their business but I’m just so tired of overworking myself. Any advice would be amazing Lula ❤️
I think Universities have planned leave program. You are considered a student but don’t have to take any courses. Sometimes it’s just the right about of break. You should see if your university offers such a program. While a break may be beneficial for some people, its really easy to stop going to Uni and never go back. So if you do take a break, you need to be 100% you will go back.
I honestly think you should sit a year out. No degree is ever worth losing your sanity. Honestly I would lie to my parents and say I’m still studying but focusing on a dissertation. Leave and come back refreshed. And who knows, in that break you might actually find something you’re really passionate in and pursue that instead.
Hey girl, I’m about to get married. Me (21f) and my husband to be (23m) are emotionally incompatible. Honestly it’s mostly my fault I guess. I’m a highly sensitive person and I tend to expect a lot of comfort. He’s the first person I go to when something goes wrong and I’m upset. He is more of an intellectualiser where he doesn’t feel his emotions he just kinda thinks them away. We have been getting into conflicts over this because when I’m upset he doesn’t really know how to comfort me as he’s not a big talker. In person it’s amazing because there’s the physical comfort but any other time he just goes quiet and I feel very alone with my issues. Then I argue with him about how he doesn’t care etc but in reality he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset me more. Then he will blow up and say he didn’t do anything. Ik that once you get married your problems get magnified so idk what to do. Ik that I need to find other outlets and I’m pretty sure it’s my anxious attachment style that is incompatible with his fearful/avoidant attachment style but idk what to do sis. We have both committed to doing better in this regard but how deep is this really? Do you think it could get better with time? Am I in the wrong? Thank you in advance Lula!
If you want me to be completely honest, don’t get married. Take your time.
Emotional Intelligence is the simple most important quality you could ever want in a husband. No amount of money, looks or personality could make up for this. I promise you Emotional intelligence is the engine oil of the machinery of any marraige. Without it you’re fucked.
There might be numerous situation where you would really want to be with someone who understands you, stay with you in your pain, sickness, trouble etc, listen to how your day went etc. These are not the things which require intelligence to understand but these are definitely the things which needs emotions to understand. And honestly speaking these are the things that matter way more than other important things. Having low emotional intelligence simple means, he lacks the ability to manage his own emotions in positive ways hence there’s tendency to misunderstand situations, blow things out of proportion and even worse, acts erratic. Everytime you’re sad, instead of comforting you, he takes it personally and his first reaction is to defend himself.
You clearly want someone who is more supportive and understanding of your emotional needs and this person has, time and again, not only failed you but even refuses to admit his failures.
But you know what, he is also 23 years old. He is still a boy. Emotional Intelligence is not something you just get overnight. Personally speaking, it probably happened for me at 23. If I got married before then, I think I’d be a nightmare. He sounds a bit like me, I definitely used to see things as either black or white. I was definitely a solutionist when it came to hearing someone’s problems. But having that kind of attitude all the time is not healthy in relationships. Yes you want someone who will solve your problems, but you also need someone that just listens to you, hold you when you’re upset. You guys are so young. Honestly there’s not need to rush into marriage. At least wait until you guys are emotionally compatible, because these issues will 100% manifest the second you get married.
I started speaking to this guy a few months ago. We were both thinking about marriage long term.
Everything was going really well, but all of a sudden about two weeks ago he started becoming a bit off with me. I did question him on this and he said he’s been busy and not feeling too good. He said he wants to focus on himself for a bit.. which I completely get. Seems like he’s loosing interest?
However, he was not being straight up with me on this situation, so we went around in circles until he finally said he does still like me, and marriage is the intention, but he just feels like it will work between us.
I stopped speaking to him after this, but was that the right thing to do, or should I have given him a chance to explore why it won’t work? He hasn’t messaged me since all this though..
Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. The worst person to be with is someone who doesn’t know what they want when you do. Because even if they like you, its like dangling a fiver on top of a homeless man. You end up hoping he will change his mind.
If you guys were on the same page then it would have been fine, but you’re not.
Him not being ready is not a bad thing either. Its not that he doesn’t know what he wants, its that he doesn’t know what he wants with you yet, and maybe that’s because he doesn’t know you enough. What everyone wants in their lives is to be better than they were before. Most people won’t know what type of relationship (if any) with you will most contribute to that end until they get to know you a little, then they can answer the question.
You’re trying to jump ahead and know the answers to questions people don’t and shouldn’t necessarily know the answers to until they get to know you. Dating involves uncertainty, that’s just a part of it. If you are 100% sure you want one thing and want to rule out any other options that’s ok, but most people don’t feel the same way and you can’t just demand that they start feeling that way.
This is why I’m never a fan of marriage talks straight away. It puts too much pressure and it tends to scare people off who aren’t ready for that big of a commitment. Naturally people come to that conclusion themselves anyway when they spend time with you and build a bond. So just wait for that next time.