I think alot of them are incels that just hate women because they can’t **** whenever they want.
But there are aspects that I find quite interesting. BTW no man that is truly high value are on podcasts so theres that. However, I think its true that some of these men who are well off and successful are really shallow. A good majority, especially good looking ones, don’t care about what women bring to the table, in terms of their education or even a personality. Honestly it’s quite sad. You just have to be pretty. And a lot of girls think well if I have this and that he’s gonna want me more or i’ll be more appealing. When honestly you can have nothing, if a man wants you he wants you. What you have is not appealing unless of course, he is a Hobo.
The word high value is interesting because I don’t think what you have makes you high value either. I hate how these dusty incels are associating it with men who are higher positions in life. Because even if you do bag a man in that position, there is really no real security there. Like look at athletes/artists with their girlfriends, they swap the same girls in rotation. You think you have them but you won’t have them for long. Everyday you’ll worry thinking he’s gonna cheat on you for something better. How I see high value is someone of principle and who is successful at the same time. Because you rarely get that, it’s either one or the other. A lot of these successful men have no principle, no honor. They do things for attention, they want to be the biggest man in the room. Theres too much ego involved when men have no honor, and they don’t care to protect yours either. They literally just see you as arm candy.
But the men who do have honor and that are very principled, they might find it quite hard to be successful because of how they live. I feel like to even be successful as a man you need to have an ounce of prick in you. Idk if that makes sense.
Anon
2 years ago
To the sister who said something about muzmatch and being embarrassed of it..
SIS
I got married and met him through muzmatch and so many other people have to
Not going to lie, that app is an experience. I took everything lightly and didn’t even expect to find my husband but it happened Alhamdulilah!
Just weed out the weirdos and go with the flow. It’s normal to ask what they are looking for especially on a Muslim app and that usually weeds them out a bit more. But just go on it with no expectations. I have some scandalous stories on that app tbh but I just find it hilarious it’s an experience I swearrr
I am speaking to this man who I really do like. However, previously he had a girlfriend that he was on and off with for a while that I didn’t know about. When he finally told me I asked him if they were completely off and he said yes. I later found out they were still keeping in contact. He then locked her off completely. Since then I wasn’t able to trust him so I blocked him for a year. Some how we got to speaking again but I’m not sure if I should even continue with this. I expected him to be grovelling at this point to show me he truly wants me but he’s taking it easy.. not sure what to do. Thanks girls!
Theres a reason why you should never see someone who has an on/off again partner.
Because if they tried to break up 3 or 4 times and still ended up back together, they’re never leaving each other.
In fact, even if you do start dating them – they’ll still go back to their ex. Or when you argue, they’re going back to their ex in the name of ‘advice’.
You should cut your losses and let them be happy tbh
Last edited 2 years ago by Lulu
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sister
So my dilemma is, I have this girl as my friend and she’s lending all time money or expecting me to pay for everything & when it comes to her when I need her to do same she’s never there basically i’m thinking she’s using me in the name of friendship.
Ergh I used to have a friend like this years ago and I had to cut her off.
The problem wasn’t borrowing her money, it was constantly expecting that I would have her on days I weren’t prepared to. Like she would book motives knowing she can just borrow from me and pay me back later.
But yeah sis, you’re not an interest-free lending institution. Tell her you invested the money, don’t have access to it and that you’re broke as a joke. Eventually she’ll figure it out and it’ll actually be good for her. Because even though you’re being a good friend, you’re enabling her poor spending habits. If she can’t afford to do something, she shouldn’t be doing it. Because it just repeats the cycle of, when you get money, by day 2 its gone because you have to pay back everyone else you owe, now you’re broke for the rest of the month – and have to borrow money again. Long.
Anon
2 years ago
At what point do you stop thinking that your dua may never be fullfilled and just accept your fate? Because sabr is not for the weak hearted & I am slowly losing it cos I’m mentally drained. People often say if your dua doesn’t come true after trying everything than maybe ‘Allah has something better waiting for you’. Sometimes hearing this isn’t relieving because you realise how hard you tried to beg Allah for what you wanted & it’s upto him to make any situation good for you. So I really can’t decide whether to continue praying or just give up? Also, anyone reading this… I sincerely request you to pray that my duas are accepted soon so that this pain can end. May Allah bless you in return too, Ameen!
Look sis, I don’t know much but what I do know is that a big part of making dua is having a leap of faith. We may not understand how Allah swt is fulfilling our duas at first but that’s apart of taking that leap of faith. You just do it and trust.
I know we’d like to think our dua will be like wishing on a star, and suddenly we’ll just see a sign and automatically we’ll know when it’s happening. But it doesn’t work like that. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said “tie your camel and trust in Allah swt”
Make your dua, do your bit and let it be. Or better yet, work towards the dua, do your bit and let Allah swt handle the rest. You tie your camel I.e: you put the work in. And trust in Allah that your camel will stay safe
Imagine you didn’t tie your camel but you’re out here saying inshallah he doesn’t run away? 😭 you put your work in
For example: today I had to finish off a 3000 word essay and a programme that was making me cry the last 4 weeks. Even though I always always make dua that I’ll do well and get it done, I know the 3000 word essay is not gonna do itself. You have to put in the work and leave the result to Allah swt. That’s a big part of dua: acceptance. Accept that he wills whatever he wills. You’re trusting in Him by making dua and having hope in Him.
Sabr is definitely not for the weak hearted, but wallahi I genuinely believe people that are tested constantly are loved most by Allah swt. Because he is always giving to you opportunities to come back to him.
May Allah swt reward you and grant you all your duas ❤️❤️
Anon
2 years ago
This generation and their 24/7 fixation on getting married in your early 20s and younger has got to be studied because just one generation ago – I have genuinely never seen this level of obsession at their age. I didn’t know any social circle (same environment – uk diaspora kids – and age bracket at the time) that talked about marriage this much. What do you think the reason for this change/jump is?
It’s definitely social media.
And for the last two years, when you see banging weddings and people announcing their marriages and pregnancies, and everyone celebrating them. I’m not surprised girls want to have their main character moment too because it literally does look like a dream
But its not just that. Everyone is so lonely, so when you see girls posting their happiness, how they get spoiled (I definitely contribute to this too lool) – of course you want something like that for yourself. Its only natural.
My thing is, no one ever really talks about marriage after the wedding. Which is a surprise to me, because ever since I was maybe 14/15 – I always used to hear about it through family. But I think that’s where my privilege comes in, because the women in my family always used to talk to me about their stuff – I got to live vicariously through their experiences, and make better choices for myself. And then when my friends got into relationships, I would be the person they would go to for advice. So when I did start dating people, I really did know how to separate my heart from my head. I always knew what was in my best interests, and I had seen enough to know a vast majority of these men go against your best interests in every single way. That’s really why I was so selective in relationships and a big reason why I never wanted to get married until I was approaching 30 (haha look at how wrong I was).
Everyone is quite outspoken in my family, and that’s definitely where I get it from. No one really feels embarrassed or ashamed to talk about things. We talk about it very openly. But I know that’s not the case for everyone, especially super religious families. Everyone has xishood, and if you’re suffering, you need to keep it to yourself. That’s why a lot of girls think marriage is the epitome of happiness no matter who you pick and can you blame them? Women will be pretending they are so happy and everything is so great, and they will paint marriage to be the end all be all – when deep down they know they’re unhappy.
I know there are some people here who like to think some of these dilemmas cant be true. I can barely keep up with responding to dilemmas let alone have time to writer them. In my head I’m like how are you so unaware stuff like this is happening?? Shit is real out here and a lot of people rushed into marriages unprepared. If our community was just a little bit more open, wallahi it could benefit girls so so much.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi Lula
You know how you said you were dating your husband a couple of years before you married. Did you get any sneaky comments or conversations about why you weren’t making it halal and getting married. I find those questions so invasive but at the same time I understand their concern because of the deen.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi sis, is it normal for a guy that you’re talking to for 8-9 months and discussing marriage/meeting parents to still be talking to other girls? Should I be doing the same too??
Why are you guys talking about marriage when you’re not exclusive?
Did you not see the post on our twitter account? The young lady who said everyone at her wedding was saying her husband used to dm’d some of the girls that attended?
Do you want that to be you?
Anon
2 years ago
Hey there , so I met this guy online on instagram last year (2021 Jan) , and we use have conversations here and there and he use to like my pictures or just sent a comment when I post on my status. He always hinted he was into me and but I never took it to the next level basically dodging his questions most of the time.
Little bit of background, he is a divorcee with a child and we both live in 2 different countries. So finaaly december 2021, he again asked and I thought let me give him a chance and I did, we started dating and just after 3 weeks of it, right before the new year, he said he can’t do it bcuz this long distance was hard and he can’t do it at the moment and let’s just be friends.
I just said okay, no problem. I understand the time difference is hard and we can be friends.
After month again, in February he came back to me saying he missed his friend and stuff and we get to talking again, this time he was serious , wanted to get married after 6 months and I told him let’s date and see what happens.
One fine day after like a few weeks , I posted a video of me on insta and after seeing that , he asked me , are you committed to me , and I said yeah . Then he goes saying I don’t like you posting on insta , it tells other guys you are single and interested. But I understand I didn’t put ring on it so I can’t ask you to stop. But after marriage , I can’t have my wife having social media presence.
I told him am sorry , this is who I am and I can’t change and if that’s a problem to you , why did you choose in the first problem knowing you met me thru insta and I post regularly.
My question is did I do right ending this relationship??
You absolutely did the right thing. This man horta has audacity. You just got here bro, who the hell is he to make demands – especially seeing as he is so flaky.
Girl do you even know about his divorce, his relationship with his ex wife abd whether or not he is a good parent. Those are the topics that should take precedent right now, not your social media presence.
On top of that, the logistics, can you move there – can he even afford to look after you? Because he can’t move away from his child. Like what the hell, why is he focusing on your Instagram?? THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS HERE
I am more inclined to think this ediat doesn’t have his shit together, so he’s trying to pick at you and make you the reason why it won’t work or that you guys aren’t ready yet. He’s looking for someone to blame.
https://twitter.com/___incandescent/status/1499099737521373186?s=21 Please show these girls this thread to let them understand that in this life you must not settle for a man okay!!!
I saw this thread, 10/10
What’s your opinion on men who have podcasts? You know, the type of love to talk about women and what makes someone a “high value” woman/man
I think alot of them are incels that just hate women because they can’t **** whenever they want.
But there are aspects that I find quite interesting. BTW no man that is truly high value are on podcasts so theres that. However, I think its true that some of these men who are well off and successful are really shallow. A good majority, especially good looking ones, don’t care about what women bring to the table, in terms of their education or even a personality. Honestly it’s quite sad. You just have to be pretty. And a lot of girls think well if I have this and that he’s gonna want me more or i’ll be more appealing. When honestly you can have nothing, if a man wants you he wants you. What you have is not appealing unless of course, he is a Hobo.
The word high value is interesting because I don’t think what you have makes you high value either. I hate how these dusty incels are associating it with men who are higher positions in life. Because even if you do bag a man in that position, there is really no real security there. Like look at athletes/artists with their girlfriends, they swap the same girls in rotation. You think you have them but you won’t have them for long. Everyday you’ll worry thinking he’s gonna cheat on you for something better. How I see high value is someone of principle and who is successful at the same time. Because you rarely get that, it’s either one or the other. A lot of these successful men have no principle, no honor. They do things for attention, they want to be the biggest man in the room. Theres too much ego involved when men have no honor, and they don’t care to protect yours either. They literally just see you as arm candy.
But the men who do have honor and that are very principled, they might find it quite hard to be successful because of how they live. I feel like to even be successful as a man you need to have an ounce of prick in you. Idk if that makes sense.
To the sister who said something about muzmatch and being embarrassed of it..
SIS
I got married and met him through muzmatch and so many other people have to
Not going to lie, that app is an experience. I took everything lightly and didn’t even expect to find my husband but it happened Alhamdulilah!
Just weed out the weirdos and go with the flow. It’s normal to ask what they are looking for especially on a Muslim app and that usually weeds them out a bit more. But just go on it with no expectations. I have some scandalous stories on that app tbh but I just find it hilarious it’s an experience I swearrr
hmmmm interesting
I am speaking to this man who I really do like. However, previously he had a girlfriend that he was on and off with for a while that I didn’t know about. When he finally told me I asked him if they were completely off and he said yes. I later found out they were still keeping in contact. He then locked her off completely. Since then I wasn’t able to trust him so I blocked him for a year. Some how we got to speaking again but I’m not sure if I should even continue with this. I expected him to be grovelling at this point to show me he truly wants me but he’s taking it easy.. not sure what to do. Thanks girls!
Theres a reason why you should never see someone who has an on/off again partner.
Because if they tried to break up 3 or 4 times and still ended up back together, they’re never leaving each other.
In fact, even if you do start dating them – they’ll still go back to their ex. Or when you argue, they’re going back to their ex in the name of ‘advice’.
You should cut your losses and let them be happy tbh
Salam sister
So my dilemma is, I have this girl as my friend and she’s lending all time money or expecting me to pay for everything & when it comes to her when I need her to do same she’s never there basically i’m thinking she’s using me in the name of friendship.
Should I cut it?
Ergh I used to have a friend like this years ago and I had to cut her off.
The problem wasn’t borrowing her money, it was constantly expecting that I would have her on days I weren’t prepared to. Like she would book motives knowing she can just borrow from me and pay me back later.
But yeah sis, you’re not an interest-free lending institution. Tell her you invested the money, don’t have access to it and that you’re broke as a joke. Eventually she’ll figure it out and it’ll actually be good for her. Because even though you’re being a good friend, you’re enabling her poor spending habits. If she can’t afford to do something, she shouldn’t be doing it. Because it just repeats the cycle of, when you get money, by day 2 its gone because you have to pay back everyone else you owe, now you’re broke for the rest of the month – and have to borrow money again. Long.
At what point do you stop thinking that your dua may never be fullfilled and just accept your fate? Because sabr is not for the weak hearted & I am slowly losing it cos I’m mentally drained. People often say if your dua doesn’t come true after trying everything than maybe ‘Allah has something better waiting for you’. Sometimes hearing this isn’t relieving because you realise how hard you tried to beg Allah for what you wanted & it’s upto him to make any situation good for you. So I really can’t decide whether to continue praying or just give up? Also, anyone reading this… I sincerely request you to pray that my duas are accepted soon so that this pain can end. May Allah bless you in return too, Ameen!
Awwww 🙁
Look sis, I don’t know much but what I do know is that a big part of making dua is having a leap of faith. We may not understand how Allah swt is fulfilling our duas at first but that’s apart of taking that leap of faith. You just do it and trust.
I know we’d like to think our dua will be like wishing on a star, and suddenly we’ll just see a sign and automatically we’ll know when it’s happening. But it doesn’t work like that. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said “tie your camel and trust in Allah swt”
Make your dua, do your bit and let it be. Or better yet, work towards the dua, do your bit and let Allah swt handle the rest. You tie your camel I.e: you put the work in. And trust in Allah that your camel will stay safe
Imagine you didn’t tie your camel but you’re out here saying inshallah he doesn’t run away? 😭 you put your work in
For example: today I had to finish off a 3000 word essay and a programme that was making me cry the last 4 weeks. Even though I always always make dua that I’ll do well and get it done, I know the 3000 word essay is not gonna do itself. You have to put in the work and leave the result to Allah swt. That’s a big part of dua: acceptance. Accept that he wills whatever he wills. You’re trusting in Him by making dua and having hope in Him.
Sabr is definitely not for the weak hearted, but wallahi I genuinely believe people that are tested constantly are loved most by Allah swt. Because he is always giving to you opportunities to come back to him.
May Allah swt reward you and grant you all your duas ❤️❤️
This generation and their 24/7 fixation on getting married in your early 20s and younger has got to be studied because just one generation ago – I have genuinely never seen this level of obsession at their age. I didn’t know any social circle (same environment – uk diaspora kids – and age bracket at the time) that talked about marriage this much. What do you think the reason for this change/jump is?
It’s definitely social media.
And for the last two years, when you see banging weddings and people announcing their marriages and pregnancies, and everyone celebrating them. I’m not surprised girls want to have their main character moment too because it literally does look like a dream
But its not just that. Everyone is so lonely, so when you see girls posting their happiness, how they get spoiled (I definitely contribute to this too lool) – of course you want something like that for yourself. Its only natural.
My thing is, no one ever really talks about marriage after the wedding. Which is a surprise to me, because ever since I was maybe 14/15 – I always used to hear about it through family. But I think that’s where my privilege comes in, because the women in my family always used to talk to me about their stuff – I got to live vicariously through their experiences, and make better choices for myself. And then when my friends got into relationships, I would be the person they would go to for advice. So when I did start dating people, I really did know how to separate my heart from my head. I always knew what was in my best interests, and I had seen enough to know a vast majority of these men go against your best interests in every single way. That’s really why I was so selective in relationships and a big reason why I never wanted to get married until I was approaching 30 (haha look at how wrong I was).
Everyone is quite outspoken in my family, and that’s definitely where I get it from. No one really feels embarrassed or ashamed to talk about things. We talk about it very openly. But I know that’s not the case for everyone, especially super religious families. Everyone has xishood, and if you’re suffering, you need to keep it to yourself. That’s why a lot of girls think marriage is the epitome of happiness no matter who you pick and can you blame them? Women will be pretending they are so happy and everything is so great, and they will paint marriage to be the end all be all – when deep down they know they’re unhappy.
I know there are some people here who like to think some of these dilemmas cant be true. I can barely keep up with responding to dilemmas let alone have time to writer them. In my head I’m like how are you so unaware stuff like this is happening?? Shit is real out here and a lot of people rushed into marriages unprepared. If our community was just a little bit more open, wallahi it could benefit girls so so much.
Hi Lula
You know how you said you were dating your husband a couple of years before you married. Did you get any sneaky comments or conversations about why you weren’t making it halal and getting married. I find those questions so invasive but at the same time I understand their concern because of the deen.
Hi sis, is it normal for a guy that you’re talking to for 8-9 months and discussing marriage/meeting parents to still be talking to other girls? Should I be doing the same too??
Why are you guys talking about marriage when you’re not exclusive?
Did you not see the post on our twitter account? The young lady who said everyone at her wedding was saying her husband used to dm’d some of the girls that attended?
Do you want that to be you?
Hey there , so I met this guy online on instagram last year (2021 Jan) , and we use have conversations here and there and he use to like my pictures or just sent a comment when I post on my status. He always hinted he was into me and but I never took it to the next level basically dodging his questions most of the time.
Little bit of background, he is a divorcee with a child and we both live in 2 different countries. So finaaly december 2021, he again asked and I thought let me give him a chance and I did, we started dating and just after 3 weeks of it, right before the new year, he said he can’t do it bcuz this long distance was hard and he can’t do it at the moment and let’s just be friends.
I just said okay, no problem. I understand the time difference is hard and we can be friends.
After month again, in February he came back to me saying he missed his friend and stuff and we get to talking again, this time he was serious , wanted to get married after 6 months and I told him let’s date and see what happens.
One fine day after like a few weeks , I posted a video of me on insta and after seeing that , he asked me , are you committed to me , and I said yeah . Then he goes saying I don’t like you posting on insta , it tells other guys you are single and interested. But I understand I didn’t put ring on it so I can’t ask you to stop. But after marriage , I can’t have my wife having social media presence.
I told him am sorry , this is who I am and I can’t change and if that’s a problem to you , why did you choose in the first problem knowing you met me thru insta and I post regularly.
My question is did I do right ending this relationship??
Tell him hit the road jack.
You absolutely did the right thing. This man horta has audacity. You just got here bro, who the hell is he to make demands – especially seeing as he is so flaky.
Girl do you even know about his divorce, his relationship with his ex wife abd whether or not he is a good parent. Those are the topics that should take precedent right now, not your social media presence.
On top of that, the logistics, can you move there – can he even afford to look after you? Because he can’t move away from his child. Like what the hell, why is he focusing on your Instagram?? THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS HERE
I am more inclined to think this ediat doesn’t have his shit together, so he’s trying to pick at you and make you the reason why it won’t work or that you guys aren’t ready yet. He’s looking for someone to blame.
This man is cheeky.