I’m apart of the class 2020 that got married during lockdown. At first I thought it was a flex but i regret my decision now that restrictions have been lifted. I am so bored of my husband. I got married when the whole world shut down so I thought at least I will enjoy it married. It was hell, I got bored of my husband after a few months in. Now I see all my single friends flying out on holiday, moving in together, getting wined and dine by ballers whilst I’m stuck at home with a 9 month old and an annoying husband. He never bathes, his hair is always messy and he never thinks of anything fun to do together. He just plays his games all day. He’s more like my little brother. How do I get over this feeling of being trapped in my own home?? Looking back I deffo didn’t get married for the right decisions
But look, your husband needs to know everything that you just said here if you two are going to be able to work on it. Because what’s going to happen next is feelings of resentment, if it’s not there already (sounds like it already is tbh). I’m willing to bet that he’s having a lot of the same feelings you are and desperately wants to feel close to you again, but neither of you know how to get there because you’re not talking about it.
I’ve spoken to a lot of people since I’ve gotten married, even when I was single trying to get married and believe it or not, this opinion you have is not abnormal. A lot of people get married just because they think it’s the next step. I remember having coversations with my uncle about this when he was asking me why I was getting married. And he used a really good analogy that helped me make sure I was getting married for the right reasons.
Imagine something like a venn diagram yeah. Those circles sometimes
overlap to create a middle circle that share some of the same qualitities. That is what I imagine a relationship to be like. Two people who come together and in the middle, they share something. My uncle would say to me those two circles are your two lives, the part of the circles that overlap is your relationship. When you initially meet and fall in love, the shared aspect is a big deal and that is usually what gets a lot of attention. I’ll give you an example: its probably the chemistry, the fact both of you are so attracted to eachother. Then, as you get to know each other better and learn about each other’s backgrounds, anecdotes, and jokes, the shared aspect of the relationship reduces since you can no longer retain each other’s entire attention. Does that make sense? That doesn’t mean you’re not right for each other or that you’re drifting away” it just means you’ve gotten to know each other well enough that you’re just comfortable. It implies you become each other’s foundation; you no longer spend the majority of your time facing each other, but rather have each other’s backs and face the world together. You feel me?
The problem is that for many people, particularly those in their late twenties and early thirties, this is also the moment in their lives when they stop having a road mapped out for them the way you do when studying or looking for your first job. Even if you don’t realise it at the time, you’re getting things like community, progress, challenge, and an unusual diversity of opinions and experiences served to you on a silver platter while on that route, especially as a student. These are things we want and need to feel alive, but most of us are surprised to learn that once we’ve graduated from high school and entered adulthood, we’ll have to create those things for ourselves. You lot know what I’m talking about. Them post-undergrad BLUES
I feel like a lot of these feelings is what cause divorces, outside of the major no no’s which is cheating/deceitfulness/abuse. It’s easy to imagine that the only way to replace that gap – that feeling of having a purpoise- is to replicate the last thing that gave you a lot of thrill –
your relationship. That ‘honeymoon’ stage.
I mean you could just break up with your husband and start again. Its still fine. However, if just being bored is your reason. You need to look inwards. You can move onto someone else, sure he’ll be nice for a few months, but a new person will only maintain your interest and fulfil your appetite for a few more years. If you like, you can rinse and repeat. Get a new man in and another one out.
However, if you continue to hunt for happiness and motivation in others, you will eventually become hungry and unhappy. You must be accountable for your own happiness and motivation. Happiness isn’t something you acquire; it’s something you work for all of your life. You know what I’m saying?
The best example I could give it is like going to the gym. If you don’t maintain that body, it’ll end up looking shit.
The issue is most people don’t know themselves well enough to understand what really makes them happy, or how to bring it into their lives with any regularity.
I’ve been on twitter/reddit enough to know lockdown fucked up a lot of peoples relationships. But that’s not peoples fault. If you’re cooped up together in lockdown, it’s easy to start expecting the other person to fulfil you considerably more than it’s reasonable for any one person to ever do. You’re both bored and want the other to entertain you, but neither of you has anything new to say to the other because you’ve done everything together for the previous year. But that’s not how huge the overlap between the circles should be – you need to find something that’s solely yours to satisfy you and fill out your half of the circle. He’s not the problem. The problem is you not being able to fulfil yourself.
You guys both need to find something that will both drive you and provide you with something new to tell your spouse about afterward, resulting in a win-win situation.
Boredom is a self-fulfilling prophecy for the majority of individuals. If you are bored, you’re probably making yourself bored – instead of making things fresh AKA maintaining that relationship.
Let me give you another example. The majority of cheaters are attempting to get away from themselves. So, are you bored of your husband, or are you tired of your life? If it’s the latter, consider what you can do to improve it and how you may take ownership of your own happiness. Having someone who knows you well, such as a spouse, to talk things to, having a companion in this very dusty crusty life – it’s the best thing in the world. So are you willing to risk it for a chocolate biscuit?
Look into getting a therapist for yourself honestly. Some issues have really simple answers but you just need someone outside of your situation to guide you there. It’s common to feel lost and demotivated, but it’s also typical to mistakenly believe that changing partners will solve the problem.
Regarding the bathing issue and general hygiene, he might genuinely be depressed. or he might actually be lazy. Theres so many things you guys need to discuss in order for you both to find a solution. But you’ll never actually know until you guys are honest enough to speak to each other.
Anon
2 years ago
salam sis, i like the idea of a ‘fuck off fund’ for women but do you tell your husband? my friends husband was quite annoyed about her fund because he feels like he provides for her so he doesn’t understand why she has to save money just for herself one day. I know you said you talked about having your own savings, did you find any trouble saying that to your husband?
You should always have your own savings and your husband should want that for you. That’s actually quite interesting. I honestly don’t see the problem. If anything, my husband will literally deposit into MY savings because he wants that for me. And the logic part behind it makes sense, if I see with my own eyes that my savings are building – I’ll be more responsible with money (because I love buying things). And it’s worked, I’m so much smarter with money now. And also am I dumb? Why would I get married without having my own stuff? What if my parent’s need money?
Its not just a ‘fuck off fund’- its your own savings! If anything happens not just to your marriage, but your kids, your husband. You need a pot that you have access to. And it’s not even just for that, maybe you want something for yourself you know? Likewise your husband should have a pot for himself too.
Can’t let someone cut off your hands and be the one that feeds you.
Also, wouldn’t it be better to know she is there because she wants to be there, not because she financially has no choice but to stay??? If he plans to treat his wife right and look after her, he shouldn’t be concerned about whatever she has in her savings. I’m more inclined to think, the only reason why that is a big deal to HIM is because he doesn’t want her to have the means to walk away if she no longer wants to put up with his shit.
In my opinion, there should be 3 pots: Your savings, your husbands savings and the household pot that you both have access to but mainly your husband contributes to (if he’s the bigger earner).
Anon
2 years ago
I’m currently caring for my sisters after mum relocated to Somalia.
Just found a vape in my 16 year old sisters Blazer – not sure how/what to say?
Being harsh is never a good thing. How many times do you see kids start smoking a little younger than that, and their harsh parents punished them so much not only did they continue what they were doing, THEY DID EVEN WORSE. Every person I know who had harsh strict parents have fallen off. Every single one. Wallahi all it took was for me to see that and think nope, my future will be different.
Parent’s think being strict is the solution, but its not. Kids just get smarter, and they get better at lying. You won’t realise you’re just pushing them away further. You just have to accept that you can’t force young adults to do what you tell them anymore and need to adapt.
What I did with my cousins tho was I let them know I knew something was up but most importantly, I told them what I had seen with people from my generation. Sometimes people just need to be shown the consequences. They don’t even need a punishment. Human’s primal instinct is to preserves one’s self. Just tell them how people have fallen off, in comparison to people who have done really well in life. Also, giving them more responsibility. Because I know all the responsibilities I had to do stopped me from ever taking advantage from the fact my parents were busy all the time. I was too busy looking after my nieces and nephews.
“Hey I need you to pick up so and so” – “Can you fix this?”. When you give teenagers opportunities to serve and look after the family, they will be more responsible in their own lives, and they will feel like they have something to lose. Never let young adults be idle because you give them more time to try new shit. Ever since then, and giving my young cousins more responsibilities: we haven’t had any problems. They’re too busy thinking about what academic choices they can make that will make fulfilling these responsibilities easier for them. It’s self-preservation. This is exactly why I got a job fresh out of year 11. I wanted to live a good life.
So when you speak to your sister just say.
“Hey, I was cleaning your room and I found your vape. I’m worried because smoking can be harmful to your health. What do you think? You’re an adult so it’s up to you to make the right choice.”
And that if she needs to come to you about anything, the window for communication is open and that she doesn’t need to lie to you. Ever heard of good cop bad cop? To her she see’s her parents as the bad cop and she probably lies a lot more to them, be the good cop. Because when she trusts you, she will be more scared to disappoint you. And that is way more smart.
But obviously there needs to be boundaries, because you’re not enabling her. Let her know that this is unacceptable but ultimately you can’t stop her. Present the idea of quitting and take her to the nurse at your GP so they can discuss her options. She probably isn’t even addicted but just in case. Maybe she needs to hear its bad from someone else.
My favourite uncle never used to shout at me or hit me, but he was the one I feared most. I go to him for everything till this day, and its because he was a teacher to me more than anything.
I literally could talk to him about anything. How many times did he say to me, Lula you’re not wearing your hijab but you know its up to you right? You know Allah won’t be pleased with you right? Lula you don’t have to study but you know what will happen if you don’t. When you tell someone it’s THEM who will live with the consequence and no one else?? Shivers their timbers. And I mean he wasn’t just there to do that. The best part was, it wasn’t just lip service. He lived all his raps. Whenever I did really well, he’d be the first to celebrate me. Year 9 sats, he bought me trainers. Year 11 results day he gave me £500. Sixthform result day too. My point is, you can’t just be there to scold kids when they do something bad, you have to reward them when they’re doing good too. Because it encourages them to do really well. They want to see the fruits of their labour too!
Anon
2 years ago
Hi I’m in a sticky situation. There’s this guy I recently started talking to. He approached me asking to get to know me and I agreed because I like him and I think he’s respectful. He ticks off my boxes and he and I are so similar. I’ve grown to like him even more after talking to him. My problem is that my close friend told me awhile back that she had a crush on him but nothing ever happened between them. She told me she was over him and then a year later he approached me. I do like him, but I feel bad and don’t know how to move on seriously with him when I think of my friend who liked him at one point. Should I tell her and will this hurt our friendship? I’m conflicted because nothing ever happened between them but I’m worried of doing anything that would hurt a close friend. I’ve been trying to minimize contact with him while I figure out what to do before things get more serious with him.
Well as long as they didn’t date there shouldn’t be a problem. But we know what girls are like, these crushes are more like “I have dibs on him”. You just have to tell her what it is, but be okay with her not liking you. Hopefully she is really over it, but just in case she’s not – don’t be surprised.
Anon
2 years ago
When do you know he’s the right person. I met this guy and have been talking to him for 3 months but I have this feeling already. Technically we used to talk 6 months ago but stopped but then continued on again. He makes me genuinely happy and I feel so calm around him. Like I Deadass thinking about marrying him, but I feel like it’s to early and there has to be a catch. When do you know their the one?
There is no way to know if you found ‘the one’. Relationships take effort, it’s like putting money in a bank. If you are both interested in investing in the relationship, you will build a lifetime together. Sometimes the beginning can be confused for infatuation. For me infatuation involves having a very idealised and unrealistic image of someone in
your head. You may feel that this person is perfect.
But everybody has flaws and you stick with it long enough you will see them.
Genuine love for me is a mix of attraction, respect, and loyalty. It might be different for everyone. And tbh for most muslim couples you won’t actually know until you get married.
Unless you’re lucky enough to get the time to know each other well and be tested (in a good way, no cheatation). When one of you go through hardships, and the other is there to support you, fight through things together – that’s when you know someone is not just here during fair weather times. Genuine love to me is something that can only be seen or understood with time.
I think anyone who’s been dating under 6 months is more guessing and wishing that what they are feeling is genuine love. Maybe they end up being right, maybe they don’t. It’s hard to truly know who someone is without having to make any hard decisions together and without seeing them at their worst. But during this time, there has to be a commitment to one another. Both of you decide that you’re in it for the long run. This is end game.
I don’t think declaring each other as your soul mate during that time is important. The most important question should be: are we on the same team? And then what you’re really looking for, real companionship, comes afterwards.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi, I want to plan my wedding but I don’t know how much it would cost in reality. From estimates, my partner and I have tallied up to £15000 for everything (this is maximum) but I think that might be ridiculous. Is this really what other couples are paying for a simple Nikkah and wedding ceremony. West and East African wedding In the UK for reference. Please help a sister out, we really struggling here.
15k is more of a minimum than maximum, whenever you’re planning something – make sure you have a little left for ‘just in case’ – because with any wedding, there will always be a ‘just in case’.
Smaller nikkahs are probably 6k-10k. But if you’re having a wedding, of course it’s going to be more expensive. Listen, pocket that money and do something nice for the both of you. Spend 7k on a small nikkah and have a photoshoot. Don’t burn your own pockets in the name of a wedding.
Anon
2 years ago
How do I know a guy likes me because I have feeling a few guys have had a crush on me but just want to know.
When he finds any reason to spend time with you, he will pretend he’s going your way home etc. Or he will stay late after a motive just to talk to you.
Always offering to do stuff for you: need to do an errand and he want’s to drive you there, your wheels needs to be pumped and he does it for you.
Anon
2 years ago
What makeup product would you choose if you had to only use one for the rest of your life?
She’s just going to have to make supplication during qiyamul Layl (night prayer) and ask Allah SWT to provide her with a man with qualities pleasing to her, and keep it to herself. However, It’s understandable as to why the sister asked anonymously, as it’s evidently important to her, and I (a man) personally don’t think she should be shamed for it (Not saying you did Lula). There is definitely no straight way in asking as it’s intrusive and I don’t think any serious brother would allow for something like that to run.
Just going to have to make Dua man. Allah doesn’t judge, and He, The Almighty is the One who ultimately placed this desire in you. This is serious for YOU, so take the necessary steps and ask in supplication or get shamed by men and women for asking out right.
So I’ve know this guy for like 10 years. When we first met it was a relationship. But we broke up cuz he didn’t trust me I had male friends. He has his own trust issues we stayed friends and he was always clear about not wanting to get married not just to me but to anyone.He said it wasn’t what he wanted to life. We stayed friends. Then recently I cut cut him off, I’ve been on a new path in life. Like fixed up, praying, reading my Quran and this guy pops back in and tell me he wants to make it work and get married . I tell him he needs to approach my family and he says we should wait a month. I still have the same male friends and I tell him and he flips out, I was going to cut them off once he approached my family. But he hasn’t yet. His been making it a big deal saying I thought u changed and I’m getting deja vu. I know I shoudl have cut them off but I just didn’t YET. I really love him and wanna be with him but his making me feel like shit. And saying he doesn’t know if Can trust me and that He let his guard down for me and I’ve broken that trust now
I mean if you have jumped on deen, shouldn’t the first thing you did was cut off male friends?
I mean his concerns aren’t unreasonable. I don’t think you’d want to get married to a practising man who still have female best friends. I kinda get what he’s saying.
This is a very basic ask, and the fact you can’t do that for him probably explains his apprehension. Remember, we are not non-believers, so the things they do shouldn’t make you feel like having male friends is normal. There’s a reason why things like free mixing is frowned upon. And this is coming from someone who had male friends.
Him saying he can’t trust you though is a bit of a reach though but I feel like its because he can’t articulate what he really means properly. I think he just can’t trust you to compromise with him or trust to do things that will make him happy and that is the foundation of a marriage. Learning to compromise with your partner, because its not about what you want all the time. These are his boundaries and you don’t have to respect it. But don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to marry you either.
I support all women here but look, how would you feel if he was having female friends? Would you rate him? Would you trust him?
I’m apart of the class 2020 that got married during lockdown. At first I thought it was a flex but i regret my decision now that restrictions have been lifted. I am so bored of my husband. I got married when the whole world shut down so I thought at least I will enjoy it married. It was hell, I got bored of my husband after a few months in. Now I see all my single friends flying out on holiday, moving in together, getting wined and dine by ballers whilst I’m stuck at home with a 9 month old and an annoying husband. He never bathes, his hair is always messy and he never thinks of anything fun to do together. He just plays his games all day. He’s more like my little brother. How do I get over this feeling of being trapped in my own home?? Looking back I deffo didn’t get married for the right decisions
Damn.
I guess we are back with a bang.
But look, your husband needs to know everything that you just said here if you two are going to be able to work on it. Because what’s going to happen next is feelings of resentment, if it’s not there already (sounds like it already is tbh). I’m willing to bet that he’s having a lot of the same feelings you are and desperately wants to feel close to you again, but neither of you know how to get there because you’re not talking about it.
I’ve spoken to a lot of people since I’ve gotten married, even when I was single trying to get married and believe it or not, this opinion you have is not abnormal. A lot of people get married just because they think it’s the next step. I remember having coversations with my uncle about this when he was asking me why I was getting married. And he used a really good analogy that helped me make sure I was getting married for the right reasons.
Imagine something like a venn diagram yeah. Those circles sometimes
overlap to create a middle circle that share some of the same qualitities. That is what I imagine a relationship to be like. Two people who come together and in the middle, they share something. My uncle would say to me those two circles are your two lives, the part of the circles that overlap is your relationship. When you initially meet and fall in love, the shared aspect is a big deal and that is usually what gets a lot of attention. I’ll give you an example: its probably the chemistry, the fact both of you are so attracted to eachother. Then, as you get to know each other better and learn about each other’s backgrounds, anecdotes, and jokes, the shared aspect of the relationship reduces since you can no longer retain each other’s entire attention. Does that make sense? That doesn’t mean you’re not right for each other or that you’re drifting away” it just means you’ve gotten to know each other well enough that you’re just comfortable. It implies you become each other’s foundation; you no longer spend the majority of your time facing each other, but rather have each other’s backs and face the world together. You feel me?
The problem is that for many people, particularly those in their late twenties and early thirties, this is also the moment in their lives when they stop having a road mapped out for them the way you do when studying or looking for your first job. Even if you don’t realise it at the time, you’re getting things like community, progress, challenge, and an unusual diversity of opinions and experiences served to you on a silver platter while on that route, especially as a student. These are things we want and need to feel alive, but most of us are surprised to learn that once we’ve graduated from high school and entered adulthood, we’ll have to create those things for ourselves. You lot know what I’m talking about. Them post-undergrad BLUES
I feel like a lot of these feelings is what cause divorces, outside of the major no no’s which is cheating/deceitfulness/abuse. It’s easy to imagine that the only way to replace that gap – that feeling of having a purpoise- is to replicate the last thing that gave you a lot of thrill –
your relationship. That ‘honeymoon’ stage.
I mean you could just break up with your husband and start again. Its still fine. However, if just being bored is your reason. You need to look inwards. You can move onto someone else, sure he’ll be nice for a few months, but a new person will only maintain your interest and fulfil your appetite for a few more years. If you like, you can rinse and repeat. Get a new man in and another one out.
However, if you continue to hunt for happiness and motivation in others, you will eventually become hungry and unhappy. You must be accountable for your own happiness and motivation. Happiness isn’t something you acquire; it’s something you work for all of your life. You know what I’m saying?
The best example I could give it is like going to the gym. If you don’t maintain that body, it’ll end up looking shit.
The issue is most people don’t know themselves well enough to understand what really makes them happy, or how to bring it into their lives with any regularity.
I’ve been on twitter/reddit enough to know lockdown fucked up a lot of peoples relationships. But that’s not peoples fault. If you’re cooped up together in lockdown, it’s easy to start expecting the other person to fulfil you considerably more than it’s reasonable for any one person to ever do. You’re both bored and want the other to entertain you, but neither of you has anything new to say to the other because you’ve done everything together for the previous year. But that’s not how huge the overlap between the circles should be – you need to find something that’s solely yours to satisfy you and fill out your half of the circle. He’s not the problem. The problem is you not being able to fulfil yourself.
You guys both need to find something that will both drive you and provide you with something new to tell your spouse about afterward, resulting in a win-win situation.
Boredom is a self-fulfilling prophecy for the majority of individuals. If you are bored, you’re probably making yourself bored – instead of making things fresh AKA maintaining that relationship.
Let me give you another example. The majority of cheaters are attempting to get away from themselves. So, are you bored of your husband, or are you tired of your life? If it’s the latter, consider what you can do to improve it and how you may take ownership of your own happiness. Having someone who knows you well, such as a spouse, to talk things to, having a companion in this very dusty crusty life – it’s the best thing in the world. So are you willing to risk it for a chocolate biscuit?
Look into getting a therapist for yourself honestly. Some issues have really simple answers but you just need someone outside of your situation to guide you there. It’s common to feel lost and demotivated, but it’s also typical to mistakenly believe that changing partners will solve the problem.
Regarding the bathing issue and general hygiene, he might genuinely be depressed. or he might actually be lazy. Theres so many things you guys need to discuss in order for you both to find a solution. But you’ll never actually know until you guys are honest enough to speak to each other.
salam sis, i like the idea of a ‘fuck off fund’ for women but do you tell your husband? my friends husband was quite annoyed about her fund because he feels like he provides for her so he doesn’t understand why she has to save money just for herself one day. I know you said you talked about having your own savings, did you find any trouble saying that to your husband?
You should always have your own savings and your husband should want that for you. That’s actually quite interesting. I honestly don’t see the problem. If anything, my husband will literally deposit into MY savings because he wants that for me. And the logic part behind it makes sense, if I see with my own eyes that my savings are building – I’ll be more responsible with money (because I love buying things). And it’s worked, I’m so much smarter with money now. And also am I dumb? Why would I get married without having my own stuff? What if my parent’s need money?
Its not just a ‘fuck off fund’- its your own savings! If anything happens not just to your marriage, but your kids, your husband. You need a pot that you have access to. And it’s not even just for that, maybe you want something for yourself you know? Likewise your husband should have a pot for himself too.
Can’t let someone cut off your hands and be the one that feeds you.
Also, wouldn’t it be better to know she is there because she wants to be there, not because she financially has no choice but to stay??? If he plans to treat his wife right and look after her, he shouldn’t be concerned about whatever she has in her savings. I’m more inclined to think, the only reason why that is a big deal to HIM is because he doesn’t want her to have the means to walk away if she no longer wants to put up with his shit.
In my opinion, there should be 3 pots: Your savings, your husbands savings and the household pot that you both have access to but mainly your husband contributes to (if he’s the bigger earner).
I’m currently caring for my sisters after mum relocated to Somalia.
Just found a vape in my 16 year old sisters Blazer – not sure how/what to say?
Being harsh is never a good thing. How many times do you see kids start smoking a little younger than that, and their harsh parents punished them so much not only did they continue what they were doing, THEY DID EVEN WORSE. Every person I know who had harsh strict parents have fallen off. Every single one. Wallahi all it took was for me to see that and think nope, my future will be different.
Parent’s think being strict is the solution, but its not. Kids just get smarter, and they get better at lying. You won’t realise you’re just pushing them away further. You just have to accept that you can’t force young adults to do what you tell them anymore and need to adapt.
What I did with my cousins tho was I let them know I knew something was up but most importantly, I told them what I had seen with people from my generation. Sometimes people just need to be shown the consequences. They don’t even need a punishment. Human’s primal instinct is to preserves one’s self. Just tell them how people have fallen off, in comparison to people who have done really well in life. Also, giving them more responsibility. Because I know all the responsibilities I had to do stopped me from ever taking advantage from the fact my parents were busy all the time. I was too busy looking after my nieces and nephews.
“Hey I need you to pick up so and so” – “Can you fix this?”. When you give teenagers opportunities to serve and look after the family, they will be more responsible in their own lives, and they will feel like they have something to lose. Never let young adults be idle because you give them more time to try new shit. Ever since then, and giving my young cousins more responsibilities: we haven’t had any problems. They’re too busy thinking about what academic choices they can make that will make fulfilling these responsibilities easier for them. It’s self-preservation. This is exactly why I got a job fresh out of year 11. I wanted to live a good life.
So when you speak to your sister just say.
“Hey, I was cleaning your room and I found your vape. I’m worried because smoking can be harmful to your health. What do you think? You’re an adult so it’s up to you to make the right choice.”
And that if she needs to come to you about anything, the window for communication is open and that she doesn’t need to lie to you. Ever heard of good cop bad cop? To her she see’s her parents as the bad cop and she probably lies a lot more to them, be the good cop. Because when she trusts you, she will be more scared to disappoint you. And that is way more smart.
But obviously there needs to be boundaries, because you’re not enabling her. Let her know that this is unacceptable but ultimately you can’t stop her. Present the idea of quitting and take her to the nurse at your GP so they can discuss her options. She probably isn’t even addicted but just in case. Maybe she needs to hear its bad from someone else.
My favourite uncle never used to shout at me or hit me, but he was the one I feared most. I go to him for everything till this day, and its because he was a teacher to me more than anything.
I literally could talk to him about anything. How many times did he say to me, Lula you’re not wearing your hijab but you know its up to you right? You know Allah won’t be pleased with you right? Lula you don’t have to study but you know what will happen if you don’t. When you tell someone it’s THEM who will live with the consequence and no one else?? Shivers their timbers. And I mean he wasn’t just there to do that. The best part was, it wasn’t just lip service. He lived all his raps. Whenever I did really well, he’d be the first to celebrate me. Year 9 sats, he bought me trainers. Year 11 results day he gave me £500. Sixthform result day too. My point is, you can’t just be there to scold kids when they do something bad, you have to reward them when they’re doing good too. Because it encourages them to do really well. They want to see the fruits of their labour too!
Hi I’m in a sticky situation. There’s this guy I recently started talking to. He approached me asking to get to know me and I agreed because I like him and I think he’s respectful. He ticks off my boxes and he and I are so similar. I’ve grown to like him even more after talking to him. My problem is that my close friend told me awhile back that she had a crush on him but nothing ever happened between them. She told me she was over him and then a year later he approached me. I do like him, but I feel bad and don’t know how to move on seriously with him when I think of my friend who liked him at one point. Should I tell her and will this hurt our friendship? I’m conflicted because nothing ever happened between them but I’m worried of doing anything that would hurt a close friend. I’ve been trying to minimize contact with him while I figure out what to do before things get more serious with him.
Well as long as they didn’t date there shouldn’t be a problem. But we know what girls are like, these crushes are more like “I have dibs on him”. You just have to tell her what it is, but be okay with her not liking you. Hopefully she is really over it, but just in case she’s not – don’t be surprised.
When do you know he’s the right person. I met this guy and have been talking to him for 3 months but I have this feeling already. Technically we used to talk 6 months ago but stopped but then continued on again. He makes me genuinely happy and I feel so calm around him. Like I Deadass thinking about marrying him, but I feel like it’s to early and there has to be a catch. When do you know their the one?
There is no way to know if you found ‘the one’. Relationships take effort, it’s like putting money in a bank. If you are both interested in investing in the relationship, you will build a lifetime together. Sometimes the beginning can be confused for infatuation. For me infatuation involves having a very idealised and unrealistic image of someone in
your head. You may feel that this person is perfect.
But everybody has flaws and you stick with it long enough you will see them.
Genuine love for me is a mix of attraction, respect, and loyalty. It might be different for everyone. And tbh for most muslim couples you won’t actually know until you get married.
Unless you’re lucky enough to get the time to know each other well and be tested (in a good way, no cheatation). When one of you go through hardships, and the other is there to support you, fight through things together – that’s when you know someone is not just here during fair weather times. Genuine love to me is something that can only be seen or understood with time.
I think anyone who’s been dating under 6 months is more guessing and wishing that what they are feeling is genuine love. Maybe they end up being right, maybe they don’t. It’s hard to truly know who someone is without having to make any hard decisions together and without seeing them at their worst. But during this time, there has to be a commitment to one another. Both of you decide that you’re in it for the long run. This is end game.
I don’t think declaring each other as your soul mate during that time is important. The most important question should be: are we on the same team? And then what you’re really looking for, real companionship, comes afterwards.
Hi, I want to plan my wedding but I don’t know how much it would cost in reality. From estimates, my partner and I have tallied up to £15000 for everything (this is maximum) but I think that might be ridiculous. Is this really what other couples are paying for a simple Nikkah and wedding ceremony. West and East African wedding In the UK for reference. Please help a sister out, we really struggling here.
15k is more of a minimum than maximum, whenever you’re planning something – make sure you have a little left for ‘just in case’ – because with any wedding, there will always be a ‘just in case’.
Smaller nikkahs are probably 6k-10k. But if you’re having a wedding, of course it’s going to be more expensive. Listen, pocket that money and do something nice for the both of you. Spend 7k on a small nikkah and have a photoshoot. Don’t burn your own pockets in the name of a wedding.
How do I know a guy likes me because I have feeling a few guys have had a crush on me but just want to know.
When he finds any reason to spend time with you, he will pretend he’s going your way home etc. Or he will stay late after a motive just to talk to you.
Always offering to do stuff for you: need to do an errand and he want’s to drive you there, your wheels needs to be pumped and he does it for you.
What makeup product would you choose if you had to only use one for the rest of your life?
If I could only have one, maybe blusher? Or bronzer. Idk actually if I can only have one I’d probably just prefer being bare faced
https://thesisterguide.com/comment-page-86/#comment-2051
She’s just going to have to make supplication during qiyamul Layl (night prayer) and ask Allah SWT to provide her with a man with qualities pleasing to her, and keep it to herself. However, It’s understandable as to why the sister asked anonymously, as it’s evidently important to her, and I (a man) personally don’t think she should be shamed for it (Not saying you did Lula). There is definitely no straight way in asking as it’s intrusive and I don’t think any serious brother would allow for something like that to run.
Just going to have to make Dua man. Allah doesn’t judge, and He, The Almighty is the One who ultimately placed this desire in you. This is serious for YOU, so take the necessary steps and ask in supplication or get shamed by men and women for asking out right.
Yup this is good advice
So I’ve know this guy for like 10 years. When we first met it was a relationship. But we broke up cuz he didn’t trust me I had male friends. He has his own trust issues we stayed friends and he was always clear about not wanting to get married not just to me but to anyone.He said it wasn’t what he wanted to life. We stayed friends. Then recently I cut cut him off, I’ve been on a new path in life. Like fixed up, praying, reading my Quran and this guy pops back in and tell me he wants to make it work and get married . I tell him he needs to approach my family and he says we should wait a month. I still have the same male friends and I tell him and he flips out, I was going to cut them off once he approached my family. But he hasn’t yet. His been making it a big deal saying I thought u changed and I’m getting deja vu. I know I shoudl have cut them off but I just didn’t YET. I really love him and wanna be with him but his making me feel like shit. And saying he doesn’t know if Can trust me and that He let his guard down for me and I’ve broken that trust now
I mean if you have jumped on deen, shouldn’t the first thing you did was cut off male friends?
I mean his concerns aren’t unreasonable. I don’t think you’d want to get married to a practising man who still have female best friends. I kinda get what he’s saying.
This is a very basic ask, and the fact you can’t do that for him probably explains his apprehension. Remember, we are not non-believers, so the things they do shouldn’t make you feel like having male friends is normal. There’s a reason why things like free mixing is frowned upon. And this is coming from someone who had male friends.
Him saying he can’t trust you though is a bit of a reach though but I feel like its because he can’t articulate what he really means properly. I think he just can’t trust you to compromise with him or trust to do things that will make him happy and that is the foundation of a marriage. Learning to compromise with your partner, because its not about what you want all the time. These are his boundaries and you don’t have to respect it. But don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to marry you either.
I support all women here but look, how would you feel if he was having female friends? Would you rate him? Would you trust him?