Assalamualaikum, I’ve been trying for the last four years to get married. I’ve met people from apps, through CVs, nothing has ever worked out. I constantly check my requirements of what I’m asking for and wonder if I’m asking for too much. But everything I want is what Allah has given me a right to. My own separate accommodation, someone that can provide, prays 5x, is a good human being but also funny easy going, as well as attraction. I feel like I can ask for these things because I can also match it, I earn, pray, try my hardest to get closer to the deen. I’ve said no to people that can’t do the above and I recently said no to someone that has the above but I wasn’t attracted to.
How can I know if I need to change my requirements? I’m 28 now and I’ve never had a proposal go further than the first meeting. All around me people are getting married and easily, may Allah bless their marriages ameen. However I’ve never even been close and it’s hard to not think what am I doing wrong.
Theres no racing when it comes to marriage, everyone finds someone at their own pace. I know it looks like its so easy when you see people getting married left right and centre, but you don’t know anyone’s circumstances. The dua/patience they went through in order to get married. Maybe they were engaged/set to be married for a long period of time and they just need to the finances. These things are hard. That’s why seeking and working towards marriage requires a lot of time, patience and faith in Allah swt.
You also don’t want to put too much pressure on yourself because wallahi you won’t even realise it, but you’ll come off too hungry. If you view every person you talk to as a potential partner, and every interaction as some sort of job interview, and you could scare off potentials early on.
But more importantly, I think the biggest thing you need to address is that you will never make someone happy if you can’t be single and don’t enjoy yourself and your own company. You can’t go through life wishing you were in a relationship because the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.
My personal advice on it….. don’t look for men to marry, find things you like doing, and get to know guys that you meet through those shared interests. See what clicks.
Or
Speak to family. Honestly man. The setting up game/market is high right now with the aunties. Don’t sleep on it
Anon
2 years ago
hiiii
a guy I met online who is long distance. We were dating for about 6 months and he decided we should break up because he found someone else local who he cheated me on with.. and I said okay whatever we broke up. He was regretful and apologized to me he blamed us fighting that I pushed him away etc. We naturally broke up, Three weeks later he messaged me apologizing saying I’m the love of his life, that he only sees himself with me etc telling me everything I want to hear. fast forward it’s been a year and some change and we still are still communicative with each other as friends, he will text/call me first, he sends me money/gifts he’s there for me when I need someone to talk to. But we are strictly just friends, deep down we both know we both love each other but we just act like friends. But I refuse to date him again until I met him irl, what should I do? I’m still in love with him but idk if I can over come him cheating, I can forgive him but I’m not sure if I can forget.. pls help
Consider that compensation for throwing you away after 6 months and cheating on you with someone else (I hope you didn’t forget).
I think aside from just that, once someone cheats on you, it’s damn near impossible to have trust in the relationship again. Even if you forgive and the person truly changes against all odds, you’ll be going back to a relationship that’s never the way as before they cheated. Where you will never feel completely secure and you’ll always be wondering if they’re cheating on you again and waiting for it to happen again.
Here’s the drastic change to change your perspective: Be single for a while, and realise that you’re worth someone seeing the worth in you. Not after they’ve cheated and dumped you and realised they can’t top you a whole 6 months later.
Anon
2 years ago
I’m genuinely excited for you to launch your own podcast one day In Sha Allah. 🥺 May Allah swt grant you endless barakah and high imaan❤️🔥
The guy I like says he wants a practising and modest muslimah but then his insta likes show quite the opposite. I’ve told him that’s an issue for me because I’m going to be honest how can I trust that they won’t carry the habit of thirst liking into marriage. Why can’t you hold yourself back I don’t get it instead you want to be embarrassing I feel like how someone carries themselves is so important. Would I be wrong to dead it off? saying you feel some way about me and want to get married but then doing this I find it all very contradictory and it’s a massive put off.
When you started speaking to him, you decided not to look at other men and liking their pictures, which is commendable yes most people would do the same, and that’s cool. However, he is obviously not willing to do that for YOU and you cannot force him.
No you wouldn’t be wrong to dead it. He has no manners. I can guarantee you if he saw you liking the mandem’s pictures he will sing to the top of his lungs how much of a dead wife you’d be.
He probably does understand where you’re coming from, he just doesn’t care enough. Other people can see it, and it is disrespectful imo. All it requires is the restraint to not follow or click like. If he can’t do that, he ain’t worth a second of your time.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey sisss,
So kinda have a dilemma. I have this guy I’ve been speaking to for a while now and families were involved from early times. However we are in a LDR which doesn’t allow us to live together for the next 3 years at least. He’s a great guy mashallah, on his deen, very respectful, treats me very well, gets along with my family. But ever since there’s been issues with moving to whatever country later on, I’ve been on the edge. As in we both love our countries, and they’re so far apart (Uk and USA) and im afraid we may not come to an agreement later. I think that has caused me to kind of retract emotionally, and I feel as though I’m not feeling what I used to feel like. The sad thing is he’s absolutely perfect. But now I’m starting to nitpick on things that I feel like physically I wasn’t very attracted to, but willing to look past (basically getting the ick). I’ve talked about how I felt to him and he does try and help but after a bit I find myself feeling distant again. Is this normal?? Do you think I should still go ahead with the marriage? Do you think we should wait? We are still young but the Islamic factor of not prolonging something that is haram is bothering me so much.
I honestly never endorse long distance relationships because to me, it requires far too much work and it’s so difficult to maintain. Unlike an in-person relationship, everyday you and whoever your with has to fight for the relationship. You got to go to your corner of the boxing ring, and he will go to his, and you both literally have to fight to stay together, to make the relationship work regarding every aspect. Things like attraction, chemistry – if those aren’t there, why are you wasting your time?
If you want me to be completely real with you, I feel like you’re just looking for anything. Anyone is better than having no one (to you). You can’t get married in the next 3 years, both of you don’t want to leave your host countries AND on top of that, you’re not really attracted to him anymore.
You have literally answered your own question sis.
You lot are forcing it
Anon
2 years ago
Hey Lula
There’s a guy who keeps coming in and out of my life we only met twice in person but connected very deeply via phone calls too. basically we have already gone our seperate ways before because of family and work circumstances from his end.
Now the thing is I do like him and want him to be better but at the same time I want to ignore him so that he fixes up. I’ve literally voiced all of my expectations so he knows exactly what to do but he wouldn’t and would blame the way he is on his personal hardships and claim it’s all just situational and he will show me what I deserve. However I’m scared that by me airing him that would look like I’m not interested and therefore he would eventually give up and not try because I don’t respond to him reaching out. My thing is if you’re going to reach out do it with actions and not words alone so I continue to ignore him.
I know I deserve better but I also believe he has the potential to be that better person who does all of that. I’m just sick of entertaining him when he knows he’s not ready to be that guy. I also am scared to run him off and I don’t know why I guess it’s how I feel about him and the hope that this could be it. He hasn’t even shown me as much as previous guys or treated me as well so I don’t know why I feel this way
You lot need to understand, the one thing men actually do (and I admire them for it) –they will only go for people who they think deserve them. Even girls who are wayyyyy outside of their league.
Very rarely will they go for someone they think has ‘potential’.
Wallahi time is money. You see how quickly the years are flying by? If someone isn’t reciprocating your investments, it’s time to cut your losses.
Shall I tell you why? You never ever run out of niggas. Niggas are everywhere.
Anon
2 years ago
Sis you said to someone previously asking for gifts 6 dates in is mad to you but what do you consider a ‘gift’ and is it really mad if they’re going on about how deeply they feel about you or want you but you not feeling the same because your love language isn’t being met. Is it wrong to want to dead it off if he’s doing the most vocally but not showing that to you via actions.
Generally, if you are just dating someone – gift giving has to do more with occasions than duration. So if your short dating periods didn’t overlap with birthdays or gift giving holidays then it’s totally normal you didn’t receive anything.
However, if he is naturally a gift giver, he will get you something small even by the second or third date. For example, you said you liked flowers – so if he was going home one day and happened to go past a set a flowers, if he really likes you – he’d probably get them for you.
You shouldn’t force someone to get you give. I honestly think if someone isn’t naturally inclined to want to spoil you, then there’s no point trying to teach them
Anon
2 years ago
hehehe hey guys first time using this I always read these at work. I have a small dilemma kinda,There’s this guy on insta I have a crush on like he’s my type to a T so beautiful and Alahumabarik hes religious and stuff he’s from my area so always in a thobe 🤌🏽🤌🏽
Anyway this past 3weeks he’s been watching my stories😭😭I didn’t even know his insta I’ve just seen him around a couple times lmao I’m so confused but yeah what does that mean I’m low-key getting the ick because as in he’s the first person watching every one of my insta stories for 2weeks v weird behaviour lmao what shall I do? Is he interested in so confused?? Shall I go private and see if he follows? Another thing,I have this habit of having intense crushes when they show interest I disappear or air them idk what it is lmao I get scared. I like the idea of them not the reality
Stop crushing on strangers if you ain’t gonna make moves. Because you’ll just keep thinking of impossible scenarios in your head. Either make the first move or, make him make the first move
i.e: strategic position
Anon
2 years ago
1) why do you hate coffee dates?
2) what’s the ideal first date and why?
A man will only take you on a coffee if he is stingy or actually doesn’t have enough to take you on an actual date
It’s a waste of time
Ideal date is over dinner, somewhere quiet where I could get to know you etc
Anon
2 years ago
Girl I recently found a stash of love letters from a girl that my husband used to talk to before we got married He has been reading the love letters again!
Before we got married he did tell me about this girl but he reassured me that shorty was just the homie
I’m really mind blown to why
A ) Why is he reading it
B ) why he still has them
Every time I asked my husband why he still has these stupid letters
His response was it’s nothing
but it is very damm clear it’s still very important to him
Maybe after a numerous of relationships, those letters might just be a sweet reminder of the kind of person that he used to be, for better or fullest. Some exes also help you become the person you are today and the memories remind you why you never want to go back
The fact that he has chosen you to be his present, and that he chose to end the previous relationship, should allay your fears.
Old me would probably say to bin him but I’m a bit self aware now. If you tell me to delete my old chats in my girls gc (if you know you know), I couldn’t do it. Because I wanna remember what kind of dumb shit I was telling my friends in 2013
Assalamualaikum, I’ve been trying for the last four years to get married. I’ve met people from apps, through CVs, nothing has ever worked out. I constantly check my requirements of what I’m asking for and wonder if I’m asking for too much. But everything I want is what Allah has given me a right to. My own separate accommodation, someone that can provide, prays 5x, is a good human being but also funny easy going, as well as attraction. I feel like I can ask for these things because I can also match it, I earn, pray, try my hardest to get closer to the deen. I’ve said no to people that can’t do the above and I recently said no to someone that has the above but I wasn’t attracted to.
How can I know if I need to change my requirements? I’m 28 now and I’ve never had a proposal go further than the first meeting. All around me people are getting married and easily, may Allah bless their marriages ameen. However I’ve never even been close and it’s hard to not think what am I doing wrong.
Do keep me in your duas
Awwww sis, I will keep you in my duas.
Theres no racing when it comes to marriage, everyone finds someone at their own pace. I know it looks like its so easy when you see people getting married left right and centre, but you don’t know anyone’s circumstances. The dua/patience they went through in order to get married. Maybe they were engaged/set to be married for a long period of time and they just need to the finances. These things are hard. That’s why seeking and working towards marriage requires a lot of time, patience and faith in Allah swt.
You also don’t want to put too much pressure on yourself because wallahi you won’t even realise it, but you’ll come off too hungry. If you view every person you talk to as a potential partner, and every interaction as some sort of job interview, and you could scare off potentials early on.
But more importantly, I think the biggest thing you need to address is that you will never make someone happy if you can’t be single and don’t enjoy yourself and your own company. You can’t go through life wishing you were in a relationship because the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.
My personal advice on it….. don’t look for men to marry, find things you like doing, and get to know guys that you meet through those shared interests. See what clicks.
Or
Speak to family. Honestly man. The setting up game/market is high right now with the aunties. Don’t sleep on it
hiiii
a guy I met online who is long distance. We were dating for about 6 months and he decided we should break up because he found someone else local who he cheated me on with.. and I said okay whatever we broke up. He was regretful and apologized to me he blamed us fighting that I pushed him away etc. We naturally broke up, Three weeks later he messaged me apologizing saying I’m the love of his life, that he only sees himself with me etc telling me everything I want to hear. fast forward it’s been a year and some change and we still are still communicative with each other as friends, he will text/call me first, he sends me money/gifts he’s there for me when I need someone to talk to. But we are strictly just friends, deep down we both know we both love each other but we just act like friends. But I refuse to date him again until I met him irl, what should I do? I’m still in love with him but idk if I can over come him cheating, I can forgive him but I’m not sure if I can forget.. pls help
Keep taking those gifts and coins sis.
Consider that compensation for throwing you away after 6 months and cheating on you with someone else (I hope you didn’t forget).
I think aside from just that, once someone cheats on you, it’s damn near impossible to have trust in the relationship again. Even if you forgive and the person truly changes against all odds, you’ll be going back to a relationship that’s never the way as before they cheated. Where you will never feel completely secure and you’ll always be wondering if they’re cheating on you again and waiting for it to happen again.
Here’s the drastic change to change your perspective: Be single for a while, and realise that you’re worth someone seeing the worth in you. Not after they’ve cheated and dumped you and realised they can’t top you a whole 6 months later.
I’m genuinely excited for you to launch your own podcast one day In Sha Allah. 🥺 May Allah swt grant you endless barakah and high imaan❤️🔥
Hmmmm maybe
And thank you so much for your duas 🙂 ameen ameen
Hi sis
The guy I like says he wants a practising and modest muslimah but then his insta likes show quite the opposite. I’ve told him that’s an issue for me because I’m going to be honest how can I trust that they won’t carry the habit of thirst liking into marriage. Why can’t you hold yourself back I don’t get it instead you want to be embarrassing I feel like how someone carries themselves is so important. Would I be wrong to dead it off? saying you feel some way about me and want to get married but then doing this I find it all very contradictory and it’s a massive put off.
When you started speaking to him, you decided not to look at other men and liking their pictures, which is commendable yes most people would do the same, and that’s cool. However, he is obviously not willing to do that for YOU and you cannot force him.
No you wouldn’t be wrong to dead it. He has no manners. I can guarantee you if he saw you liking the mandem’s pictures he will sing to the top of his lungs how much of a dead wife you’d be.
He probably does understand where you’re coming from, he just doesn’t care enough. Other people can see it, and it is disrespectful imo. All it requires is the restraint to not follow or click like. If he can’t do that, he ain’t worth a second of your time.
Hey sisss,
So kinda have a dilemma. I have this guy I’ve been speaking to for a while now and families were involved from early times. However we are in a LDR which doesn’t allow us to live together for the next 3 years at least. He’s a great guy mashallah, on his deen, very respectful, treats me very well, gets along with my family. But ever since there’s been issues with moving to whatever country later on, I’ve been on the edge. As in we both love our countries, and they’re so far apart (Uk and USA) and im afraid we may not come to an agreement later. I think that has caused me to kind of retract emotionally, and I feel as though I’m not feeling what I used to feel like. The sad thing is he’s absolutely perfect. But now I’m starting to nitpick on things that I feel like physically I wasn’t very attracted to, but willing to look past (basically getting the ick). I’ve talked about how I felt to him and he does try and help but after a bit I find myself feeling distant again. Is this normal?? Do you think I should still go ahead with the marriage? Do you think we should wait? We are still young but the Islamic factor of not prolonging something that is haram is bothering me so much.
I honestly never endorse long distance relationships because to me, it requires far too much work and it’s so difficult to maintain. Unlike an in-person relationship, everyday you and whoever your with has to fight for the relationship. You got to go to your corner of the boxing ring, and he will go to his, and you both literally have to fight to stay together, to make the relationship work regarding every aspect. Things like attraction, chemistry – if those aren’t there, why are you wasting your time?
If you want me to be completely real with you, I feel like you’re just looking for anything. Anyone is better than having no one (to you). You can’t get married in the next 3 years, both of you don’t want to leave your host countries AND on top of that, you’re not really attracted to him anymore.
You have literally answered your own question sis.
You lot are forcing it
Hey Lula
There’s a guy who keeps coming in and out of my life we only met twice in person but connected very deeply via phone calls too. basically we have already gone our seperate ways before because of family and work circumstances from his end.
Now the thing is I do like him and want him to be better but at the same time I want to ignore him so that he fixes up. I’ve literally voiced all of my expectations so he knows exactly what to do but he wouldn’t and would blame the way he is on his personal hardships and claim it’s all just situational and he will show me what I deserve. However I’m scared that by me airing him that would look like I’m not interested and therefore he would eventually give up and not try because I don’t respond to him reaching out. My thing is if you’re going to reach out do it with actions and not words alone so I continue to ignore him.
I know I deserve better but I also believe he has the potential to be that better person who does all of that. I’m just sick of entertaining him when he knows he’s not ready to be that guy. I also am scared to run him off and I don’t know why I guess it’s how I feel about him and the hope that this could be it. He hasn’t even shown me as much as previous guys or treated me as well so I don’t know why I feel this way
You’re waiting on potential.
You lot need to understand, the one thing men actually do (and I admire them for it) –they will only go for people who they think deserve them. Even girls who are wayyyyy outside of their league.
Very rarely will they go for someone they think has ‘potential’.
Wallahi time is money. You see how quickly the years are flying by? If someone isn’t reciprocating your investments, it’s time to cut your losses.
Shall I tell you why? You never ever run out of niggas. Niggas are everywhere.
Sis you said to someone previously asking for gifts 6 dates in is mad to you but what do you consider a ‘gift’ and is it really mad if they’re going on about how deeply they feel about you or want you but you not feeling the same because your love language isn’t being met. Is it wrong to want to dead it off if he’s doing the most vocally but not showing that to you via actions.
Generally, if you are just dating someone – gift giving has to do more with occasions than duration. So if your short dating periods didn’t overlap with birthdays or gift giving holidays then it’s totally normal you didn’t receive anything.
However, if he is naturally a gift giver, he will get you something small even by the second or third date. For example, you said you liked flowers – so if he was going home one day and happened to go past a set a flowers, if he really likes you – he’d probably get them for you.
You shouldn’t force someone to get you give. I honestly think if someone isn’t naturally inclined to want to spoil you, then there’s no point trying to teach them
hehehe hey guys first time using this I always read these at work. I have a small dilemma kinda,There’s this guy on insta I have a crush on like he’s my type to a T so beautiful and Alahumabarik hes religious and stuff he’s from my area so always in a thobe 🤌🏽🤌🏽
Anyway this past 3weeks he’s been watching my stories😭😭I didn’t even know his insta I’ve just seen him around a couple times lmao I’m so confused but yeah what does that mean I’m low-key getting the ick because as in he’s the first person watching every one of my insta stories for 2weeks v weird behaviour lmao what shall I do? Is he interested in so confused?? Shall I go private and see if he follows? Another thing,I have this habit of having intense crushes when they show interest I disappear or air them idk what it is lmao I get scared. I like the idea of them not the reality
Stop crushing on strangers if you ain’t gonna make moves. Because you’ll just keep thinking of impossible scenarios in your head. Either make the first move or, make him make the first move
i.e: strategic position
1) why do you hate coffee dates?
2) what’s the ideal first date and why?
A man will only take you on a coffee if he is stingy or actually doesn’t have enough to take you on an actual date
It’s a waste of time
Ideal date is over dinner, somewhere quiet where I could get to know you etc
Girl I recently found a stash of love letters from a girl that my husband used to talk to before we got married He has been reading the love letters again!
Before we got married he did tell me about this girl but he reassured me that shorty was just the homie
I’m really mind blown to why
A ) Why is he reading it
B ) why he still has them
Every time I asked my husband why he still has these stupid letters
His response was it’s nothing
but it is very damm clear it’s still very important to him
Hmmmmm I’m in two minds about this
He could be holding onto his last memory of her
Or
Maybe after a numerous of relationships, those letters might just be a sweet reminder of the kind of person that he used to be, for better or fullest. Some exes also help you become the person you are today and the memories remind you why you never want to go back
The fact that he has chosen you to be his present, and that he chose to end the previous relationship, should allay your fears.
Old me would probably say to bin him but I’m a bit self aware now. If you tell me to delete my old chats in my girls gc (if you know you know), I couldn’t do it. Because I wanna remember what kind of dumb shit I was telling my friends in 2013