Asc, I am a sister who got married about 2 years ago. This was my first marriage and I was truly excited. When I got married, things were very hectic in the marriage. I fell into depression the first 3-4mos as I felt like I couldn’t adjust in the married life. My husband wasn’t doing much to help with that. He used to be out all night smoking shisha with his friends till 4-5am. He would never take me out, go out on dates, plan anything. I cook pretty much everyday, I clean, wash/iron his clothes. I tried to be a good wife, I never said no to sex in fact he wouldn’t sleep with me as much. I have initiated out multiple times and he’d turn it down making an excuse every time. Eventually I got embarrassed and I stopped initiating. We hadn’t had sex in months. I got pregnant and I thought things would change but it got worse. Sex life became terrible. He started even going out more nights. He would come around 4am smelling like shisha and bunch of drugs. I would find messages from girls on his phone especially snapchat. Eventually towards the end of the pregnancy I found out he was sleeping around. I am in depression, I don’t know what to do. I confronted him about his cheating but he’s denied sleeping with other women even though I had evidence that suggested otherwise. Only said all he does is flirt and made out with one girl. Should I leave this man? I am so scared to raise my child alone. I have always dreamt of having a family and raising children in 2 parent home.
Save up your coins and then dump him. But honestly its up to you, at the end of the day its you who is going to be married to this man and no one else. A child can definitely grow up healthy and thriving with one resourceful parent. Better than having a child grow up in a bad marriage.
I can’t ever say what its like to raise one by yourself, and I would imagine it to be the hardest job ever. And that’s why I say- at least save up until you make a decision. Even if you don’t decide to leave, you always need a fuck off fund. Its impossible to leave a marriage without one (that’s if you’re lucky to have really supportive parents).
Generally.. Getting divorced is a last resort option but to me anyway, the second you step out of a marriage – it’s done. Even if you wanted to go back, and as much as you could try to forgive him, deep down you’ll never let it go. You’d never feel secure, and at any given moment – you’d feel like he will step out on you again,
Sometimes how you teach men a lesson is by showing them the consequences to their actions. And that’s even if you are a casualty too. Let’s say you do forgive him and he gets away with it? What’s stopping him from cheating again – especially now that he knows its in you to forgive him.
Teach him a lesson.
Perhaps he’ll be a better co-parent than he was a husband to you.
Anon
2 years ago
Good story here
I got married 6 years ago and our love grows stronger every day. My husband and I talk openly and honestly about our expectations and problems. We pay attention to each other and we never forget to have fun and that’s soooo key for any marriage. Allhamdulilah our marriage has been blessed with love, affection and intimacy.
If I need anything my husband is always there to provide for me and our daughters. He is always offering me help and assistance when I am too tired after childcare. This is why I love my husband. He understands most of the things without being stated
Awwwww wallahi i love this for you! Yes this is more good stories we need to hear 🙂 May Allah swt perserve you and your marriage
Anon
2 years ago
Hi Lula! I hope you’re well sis💕
I don’t know if I want to vent aswell as asking for advice😭
Since I’ve come out of a toxic, abusive relationship, I feel like my friends haven’t been there for me as much as they used to, and I often feel excluded from plans that they make, aka birthday meals/girls trips. We used to talk on a regular basis and hang out, but now I feel like they just pop up to me every now and then and grab whatever info they try to get for their own gossip.
I’ve always been fine on my own and I don’t want to look silly but I just wonder why the dynamic has changed, because the last time I checked, friends don’t use people for info-grabbing and gossip. But I’m worried that if I confront them, I’m going to get the third degree from them😭
Be honest, did you go MIA when you went off into your relationship?
Your friends didn’t leave you, and I know that’s easier to believe because it relieves you of any accountability. Buts that’s not what it is. You did your own thing, and they kinda stayed the same or were at the same place. Sometimes by not inviting you to places, your friends are actually respecting you have other people who are in your life and that they don’t have you all to themselves anymore.
You can have both, but that’s actually a you problem. If you want both, you have to make both lives work. You want to be invited to places? Make more on an effort. Your friends are not here to serve you. You can’t expect them to invite you to places all the time. I think one day you should plan a motive and invite them.
Now I appreciate what you have been through and lets just say Alhamdulilah you have escaped that situation. But start giving your time and attention to the people who actually deserve it, and will keep you safe.
You need a tiny self awareness here. Stop seeing your friends as the enemy. You don’t see them so what else would they talk to you about? You weren’t around.
Start being a better friend
Anon
2 years ago
Salam sister. My partner (not yet married) say s he doesn’t see himself falling love until AFTER marriage, which could be this year’s ending – COULD. I feel sad about that because I’m scared I may fall in love with him sooner than that. Is it weird that he feels it’ll likely be after marriage he loves me?
I’m scared of loving a man more than he loves me. And voicing this out might not do much because its Love – its either he feels it or he doesn’t & pressing on the matter won’t force the feeling to grow any faster.
I’m actually saddened by this. What do I do? I really wish he’d fall in love with me
And he can’t put a time stamp on when he will suddenly fall in love with you. That’s not how it happens. But I suspect he’s saying that to keep you off his back (girl don’t lie to me)
To put it simply, love is an act of caring. You can’t force yourself to love or care about someone. Even attemping to do it will be as if you’re acting and in that case, you can’t pretend to love the other for an extended period of time without it being blatantly obvious its all an act. People can tell
Love comes when it comes literally. It’s a feeling and you cannot be made to feel something. You can try to convince yourself but you’ll never truly know what it feels like and the real beauty of it will be lost.
I’ve heard that saying that loves comes after marriage, particularly in a lot of muslim marriages and I kinda see where it comes from. Because there is technically no relationship prior to marriage no matter how me or you would argue otherwise. The real thing comes after you’ve been married. And that’s when you really know you love someone whole heartedly.
Wallahi don’t force it. Just go with the flow and let It come naturally. At least now you’ll know when he does say the words, that he means every single word of it.
Anon
2 years ago
how do you get the confidence to post photos of yourself online ex. social media
Asalaamu Alaikum Sister, a brother here just wanting to seek a female perspective (I hope you don’t mind). For context I’m 26 from the UK and I’m looking to get to know someone but I am finding it difficult. I have spoken to sisters before but my talking stages tend to fade after around a week with them suddenly messaging me to let me know they are not interested anymore. It felt like they were talking to me because I gave them attention. I sense a lot of them feel underwhelmed at the prospect of me being their husband. It’s similar to what I saw you mention with a kid in a toy store and having lots of choice of what you to get, I genuinely feel and sense that when I’m speaking to a sister, she’s thinking “I could do better”. In addition to this, Women don’t tend to find me attractive, I’m short balding and overweight (have started gym again) and having tried Muzmatch, the lack of matches hint that this is the case (I got 1 match in 10 days, I’m no expert but that’s a low amount compared to the average guy I’m sure). I have a very bubbly, confident personality which comes across well but never translates to actual substance in a talking stage. RE: dating/marriage I have lost a lot of my self-confidence. I was wondering what advice would you give to me on how I can overcome this? I know one thing is to take my physical appearance more seriously and lose weight and I am in sha Allah as I understand the importance. Some other words of advice/tips would be appreciated. Thanks
No one is going for someone’s personality in the first few weeks of getting to know someone. That level of extending grace comes afterwards. Initial attraction is key. And if someone is not attracted to you, it explains why they cut the talking stage short. And you can’t fault people for that. Be honest with yourself, would you talk to someone you wasn’t attracted to??
But that’s no problem bro. Wallahi it doesn’t take much to be attractive these days. Hit up gym, get healthy. Being bald is actually attractive if you have a beard. Short is only problematic if you go for girls your height but even then, some genuinely do not care.
The most important thing really, is confidence, looking after yourself: dressing well, having high standards and know how to have a good time. I feel like all of this comes with once you start becoming more healthy i.e hitting the gym. And you’re lucky you’re a man, men lose weight soooo quickly.
And stop calling yourself less attractive, because you’ll start to believe it. And people around you will believe it too. Men/women can tell when someone doesn’t find themselves attractive, and so it makes it even harder to be attracted to someone who lacks confidence.
Focus on being the best version of yourself and women will follow. But don’t presume losing weight will guarantee that you’ll suddenly love yourself. There might be another issue or insecurity you have afterwards. But as you get a groove going with this, you will become more vibrant and that is what will attract quality partners more than anything else.
Anon
2 years ago
Is it sketchy if the guy im talking to likes every girls pic on ig like even the explore page ones he doesn’t know. Idk it could be harmless but he also doesn’t seem like the type to be in every girls dms. Do you also think a guy with a high following is too out there
I think men are more attractive when they have a very passive approach to social media. Just here for the memes nothing else.
But an avid user implies to me that you are a tad jobless (unless you are a content creator – that is your job).
This is literally a man’s world.
There are so many things they could be doing.. Like building a shed, fixing a table, in the office making some money. Why are you sitting around on social media? And even worse, liking everyone’s picture? Not only are you too accessible, but you got no quality control on top of that. How many girls can say they’ve seen you creeping around their profile??? Omg that is genuinely my worst nightmare.
Bruv forget high following, if a man has more than 500 followers and at least half of that are women? He is a streetwalker that is how often he’s in the streets
80-90 followers should be the maximum. Nigga you gots work to be doing
Anon
2 years ago
Hi, I’ve met this guy and he seems to be my type on paper we get along very well and have been communicating back and forth for almost 2 months now but he hasn’t asked to meet up or talk over the phone even tho I’ve brought it up. is he just stringing me along and how do I try to move on now as I was beginning to develop feelings
Theres only so long one can talk on the phone for.
But who cares what he means by it. You may never be able to figure that out. Maybe he’s shy, or he’s waiting for you to ask HIM out.
My thing is you have to work with what this means to you. and that, and only that is going to lead to any sort of solution to any problem.
In this case, it means for now anything – this man isn’t going to take you out.
I honestly believe if a man knows you will allow him to waste your time, he’ll keep doing it. If you had cut him off within 2 weeks of him not asking you out – he would have came back being more serious. With a plan.
But its more 2 months now and the reality is, there really isn’t an incentive to take you out when you guys are talking on the phone all day FOR FREE.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi sis, I hope you’re well!
My dilemma is I’ve been with this guy for 2 years! He used to be kept really well! His appearance and hygiene. But nowadays he’s lacking and I’ve tried to initiate going to a spa together so we can get a facial but he isn’t exactly optimistic about it as in his head it’s a female thing to do 🤭. So I’m just thinking of buying my own stuff and trying it on him instead. Also, this is the thing that puts me off him I’ve noticed this smell from his mouth like 3 times. Where it’ll come and go. It doesn’t make you want to vomit but for me it’s bad. I’ve hinted to him to go to the dentist so I don’t think he’s caught on. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. How do I approach this situation
But seriously, either he’s got issues he’s internalising and this is the result or he’s too comfortable now you are married and might feel like he doesn’t have to make the effort to stay clean and presentable. Which ever it is, its a problem. You need to get to the root of it and have a serious chat with him. If he needs help, then you have to know that he needs help. If he’s too comfortable then he needs to know you won’t tolerate it.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey Lula, thank you so much for this platform! I have picked up so so many gems from you that I know will stay with me for life. I hope Allah gives you and your loved ones all of the Barakah in this life and the next. Ameen.
One of my ex talking stages has decided to come back into my life after 2 years (he ghosted me) and honestly I’m here for it 🤣 he was defo someone I could see a future with but at the time I was v young and not ready to take anyone seriously( hence him ghosting me) but now I am.
Firstly I haven’t figured out or even asked his intentions just yet so honestly don’t know why he’s back but I’ll find out soon enough. I’m stuck between making him chase and playing a lil hard to get (cos that’s what slyly keeps men interested) and also just being friendly and open because I do wanna see where it could go this time and also I missed him.
Sis, I don’t know how to approach this. Do I be nice and sweet or should I play it cool and un- interested? Any tips you have would be really helpful xxx
If it was just an ex talking stage, I don’t think theres a problem talking again.
None of you guys owed each other anything. Also maybe both of you were just in huge transitional periods and needed to get through that (unspoken understanding).
Just be normal and give him the same energy back. Don’t be too keen.
But if he ghosts you again that’s your problem tho
Asc, I am a sister who got married about 2 years ago. This was my first marriage and I was truly excited. When I got married, things were very hectic in the marriage. I fell into depression the first 3-4mos as I felt like I couldn’t adjust in the married life. My husband wasn’t doing much to help with that. He used to be out all night smoking shisha with his friends till 4-5am. He would never take me out, go out on dates, plan anything. I cook pretty much everyday, I clean, wash/iron his clothes. I tried to be a good wife, I never said no to sex in fact he wouldn’t sleep with me as much. I have initiated out multiple times and he’d turn it down making an excuse every time. Eventually I got embarrassed and I stopped initiating. We hadn’t had sex in months. I got pregnant and I thought things would change but it got worse. Sex life became terrible. He started even going out more nights. He would come around 4am smelling like shisha and bunch of drugs. I would find messages from girls on his phone especially snapchat. Eventually towards the end of the pregnancy I found out he was sleeping around. I am in depression, I don’t know what to do. I confronted him about his cheating but he’s denied sleeping with other women even though I had evidence that suggested otherwise. Only said all he does is flirt and made out with one girl. Should I leave this man? I am so scared to raise my child alone. I have always dreamt of having a family and raising children in 2 parent home.
Save up your coins and then dump him. But honestly its up to you, at the end of the day its you who is going to be married to this man and no one else. A child can definitely grow up healthy and thriving with one resourceful parent. Better than having a child grow up in a bad marriage.
I can’t ever say what its like to raise one by yourself, and I would imagine it to be the hardest job ever. And that’s why I say- at least save up until you make a decision. Even if you don’t decide to leave, you always need a fuck off fund. Its impossible to leave a marriage without one (that’s if you’re lucky to have really supportive parents).
Generally.. Getting divorced is a last resort option but to me anyway, the second you step out of a marriage – it’s done. Even if you wanted to go back, and as much as you could try to forgive him, deep down you’ll never let it go. You’d never feel secure, and at any given moment – you’d feel like he will step out on you again,
Sometimes how you teach men a lesson is by showing them the consequences to their actions. And that’s even if you are a casualty too. Let’s say you do forgive him and he gets away with it? What’s stopping him from cheating again – especially now that he knows its in you to forgive him.
Teach him a lesson.
Perhaps he’ll be a better co-parent than he was a husband to you.
Good story here
I got married 6 years ago and our love grows stronger every day. My husband and I talk openly and honestly about our expectations and problems. We pay attention to each other and we never forget to have fun and that’s soooo key for any marriage. Allhamdulilah our marriage has been blessed with love, affection and intimacy.
If I need anything my husband is always there to provide for me and our daughters. He is always offering me help and assistance when I am too tired after childcare. This is why I love my husband. He understands most of the things without being stated
Awwwww wallahi i love this for you! Yes this is more good stories we need to hear 🙂 May Allah swt perserve you and your marriage
Hi Lula! I hope you’re well sis💕
I don’t know if I want to vent aswell as asking for advice😭
Since I’ve come out of a toxic, abusive relationship, I feel like my friends haven’t been there for me as much as they used to, and I often feel excluded from plans that they make, aka birthday meals/girls trips. We used to talk on a regular basis and hang out, but now I feel like they just pop up to me every now and then and grab whatever info they try to get for their own gossip.
I’ve always been fine on my own and I don’t want to look silly but I just wonder why the dynamic has changed, because the last time I checked, friends don’t use people for info-grabbing and gossip. But I’m worried that if I confront them, I’m going to get the third degree from them😭
Be honest, did you go MIA when you went off into your relationship?
Your friends didn’t leave you, and I know that’s easier to believe because it relieves you of any accountability. Buts that’s not what it is. You did your own thing, and they kinda stayed the same or were at the same place. Sometimes by not inviting you to places, your friends are actually respecting you have other people who are in your life and that they don’t have you all to themselves anymore.
You can have both, but that’s actually a you problem. If you want both, you have to make both lives work. You want to be invited to places? Make more on an effort. Your friends are not here to serve you. You can’t expect them to invite you to places all the time. I think one day you should plan a motive and invite them.
Now I appreciate what you have been through and lets just say Alhamdulilah you have escaped that situation. But start giving your time and attention to the people who actually deserve it, and will keep you safe.
You need a tiny self awareness here. Stop seeing your friends as the enemy. You don’t see them so what else would they talk to you about? You weren’t around.
Start being a better friend
Salam sister. My partner (not yet married) say s he doesn’t see himself falling love until AFTER marriage, which could be this year’s ending – COULD. I feel sad about that because I’m scared I may fall in love with him sooner than that. Is it weird that he feels it’ll likely be after marriage he loves me?
I’m scared of loving a man more than he loves me. And voicing this out might not do much because its Love – its either he feels it or he doesn’t & pressing on the matter won’t force the feeling to grow any faster.
I’m actually saddened by this. What do I do? I really wish he’d fall in love with me
You can’t force someone to love you.
And he can’t put a time stamp on when he will suddenly fall in love with you. That’s not how it happens. But I suspect he’s saying that to keep you off his back (girl don’t lie to me)
To put it simply, love is an act of caring. You can’t force yourself to love or care about someone. Even attemping to do it will be as if you’re acting and in that case, you can’t pretend to love the other for an extended period of time without it being blatantly obvious its all an act. People can tell
Love comes when it comes literally. It’s a feeling and you cannot be made to feel something. You can try to convince yourself but you’ll never truly know what it feels like and the real beauty of it will be lost.
I’ve heard that saying that loves comes after marriage, particularly in a lot of muslim marriages and I kinda see where it comes from. Because there is technically no relationship prior to marriage no matter how me or you would argue otherwise. The real thing comes after you’ve been married. And that’s when you really know you love someone whole heartedly.
Wallahi don’t force it. Just go with the flow and let It come naturally. At least now you’ll know when he does say the words, that he means every single word of it.
how do you get the confidence to post photos of yourself online ex. social media
Not caring about who likes it.
Asalaamu Alaikum Sister, a brother here just wanting to seek a female perspective (I hope you don’t mind). For context I’m 26 from the UK and I’m looking to get to know someone but I am finding it difficult. I have spoken to sisters before but my talking stages tend to fade after around a week with them suddenly messaging me to let me know they are not interested anymore. It felt like they were talking to me because I gave them attention. I sense a lot of them feel underwhelmed at the prospect of me being their husband. It’s similar to what I saw you mention with a kid in a toy store and having lots of choice of what you to get, I genuinely feel and sense that when I’m speaking to a sister, she’s thinking “I could do better”. In addition to this, Women don’t tend to find me attractive, I’m short balding and overweight (have started gym again) and having tried Muzmatch, the lack of matches hint that this is the case (I got 1 match in 10 days, I’m no expert but that’s a low amount compared to the average guy I’m sure). I have a very bubbly, confident personality which comes across well but never translates to actual substance in a talking stage. RE: dating/marriage I have lost a lot of my self-confidence. I was wondering what advice would you give to me on how I can overcome this? I know one thing is to take my physical appearance more seriously and lose weight and I am in sha Allah as I understand the importance. Some other words of advice/tips would be appreciated. Thanks
I’m going to keep it real with you.
No one is going for someone’s personality in the first few weeks of getting to know someone. That level of extending grace comes afterwards. Initial attraction is key. And if someone is not attracted to you, it explains why they cut the talking stage short. And you can’t fault people for that. Be honest with yourself, would you talk to someone you wasn’t attracted to??
But that’s no problem bro. Wallahi it doesn’t take much to be attractive these days. Hit up gym, get healthy. Being bald is actually attractive if you have a beard. Short is only problematic if you go for girls your height but even then, some genuinely do not care.
The most important thing really, is confidence, looking after yourself: dressing well, having high standards and know how to have a good time. I feel like all of this comes with once you start becoming more healthy i.e hitting the gym. And you’re lucky you’re a man, men lose weight soooo quickly.
And stop calling yourself less attractive, because you’ll start to believe it. And people around you will believe it too. Men/women can tell when someone doesn’t find themselves attractive, and so it makes it even harder to be attracted to someone who lacks confidence.
Focus on being the best version of yourself and women will follow. But don’t presume losing weight will guarantee that you’ll suddenly love yourself. There might be another issue or insecurity you have afterwards. But as you get a groove going with this, you will become more vibrant and that is what will attract quality partners more than anything else.
Is it sketchy if the guy im talking to likes every girls pic on ig like even the explore page ones he doesn’t know. Idk it could be harmless but he also doesn’t seem like the type to be in every girls dms. Do you also think a guy with a high following is too out there
I think men are more attractive when they have a very passive approach to social media. Just here for the memes nothing else.
But an avid user implies to me that you are a tad jobless (unless you are a content creator – that is your job).
This is literally a man’s world.
There are so many things they could be doing.. Like building a shed, fixing a table, in the office making some money. Why are you sitting around on social media? And even worse, liking everyone’s picture? Not only are you too accessible, but you got no quality control on top of that. How many girls can say they’ve seen you creeping around their profile??? Omg that is genuinely my worst nightmare.
Bruv forget high following, if a man has more than 500 followers and at least half of that are women? He is a streetwalker that is how often he’s in the streets
80-90 followers should be the maximum. Nigga you gots work to be doing
Hi, I’ve met this guy and he seems to be my type on paper we get along very well and have been communicating back and forth for almost 2 months now but he hasn’t asked to meet up or talk over the phone even tho I’ve brought it up. is he just stringing me along and how do I try to move on now as I was beginning to develop feelings
Theres only so long one can talk on the phone for.
But who cares what he means by it. You may never be able to figure that out. Maybe he’s shy, or he’s waiting for you to ask HIM out.
My thing is you have to work with what this means to you. and that, and only that is going to lead to any sort of solution to any problem.
In this case, it means for now anything – this man isn’t going to take you out.
I honestly believe if a man knows you will allow him to waste your time, he’ll keep doing it. If you had cut him off within 2 weeks of him not asking you out – he would have came back being more serious. With a plan.
But its more 2 months now and the reality is, there really isn’t an incentive to take you out when you guys are talking on the phone all day FOR FREE.
Hi sis, I hope you’re well!
My dilemma is I’ve been with this guy for 2 years! He used to be kept really well! His appearance and hygiene. But nowadays he’s lacking and I’ve tried to initiate going to a spa together so we can get a facial but he isn’t exactly optimistic about it as in his head it’s a female thing to do 🤭. So I’m just thinking of buying my own stuff and trying it on him instead. Also, this is the thing that puts me off him I’ve noticed this smell from his mouth like 3 times. Where it’ll come and go. It doesn’t make you want to vomit but for me it’s bad. I’ve hinted to him to go to the dentist so I don’t think he’s caught on. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. How do I approach this situation
Damn…. What’s with these men and smelling??
But seriously, either he’s got issues he’s internalising and this is the result or he’s too comfortable now you are married and might feel like he doesn’t have to make the effort to stay clean and presentable. Which ever it is, its a problem. You need to get to the root of it and have a serious chat with him. If he needs help, then you have to know that he needs help. If he’s too comfortable then he needs to know you won’t tolerate it.
Hey Lula, thank you so much for this platform! I have picked up so so many gems from you that I know will stay with me for life. I hope Allah gives you and your loved ones all of the Barakah in this life and the next. Ameen.
One of my ex talking stages has decided to come back into my life after 2 years (he ghosted me) and honestly I’m here for it 🤣 he was defo someone I could see a future with but at the time I was v young and not ready to take anyone seriously( hence him ghosting me) but now I am.
Firstly I haven’t figured out or even asked his intentions just yet so honestly don’t know why he’s back but I’ll find out soon enough. I’m stuck between making him chase and playing a lil hard to get (cos that’s what slyly keeps men interested) and also just being friendly and open because I do wanna see where it could go this time and also I missed him.
Sis, I don’t know how to approach this. Do I be nice and sweet or should I play it cool and un- interested? Any tips you have would be really helpful xxx
If it was just an ex talking stage, I don’t think theres a problem talking again.
None of you guys owed each other anything. Also maybe both of you were just in huge transitional periods and needed to get through that (unspoken understanding).
Just be normal and give him the same energy back. Don’t be too keen.
But if he ghosts you again that’s your problem tho