It depends on who is being shady. I would only ever take it personally if my close friends are being shady, because that would really hurt. In that case, those people are never really your friends.
But if I don’t know you from Adam? Automatically I’m assuming that I’ve taken up space in your head and that’s enough for my ego LOL – because for what reason do you need to shade me when I literally don’t know you? The best thing I can say to you & it usually works for me is honestly if my life is good and im leading a very happy life – why should i care? Words wallahi are nothing
Anon
2 years ago
I’ve recently ended a 3 year situationship with a guy I was in love with but it felt like he wasn’t in love with me. I’ve always known he found me attractive but I never felt as though he wanted to be with me at the next level (marriage). For example, I come from a religious Somali household so being out all the time or at late hours is not okay. He would get irritated that I can’t spend time with him like he wanted but when I finally put a lot of effort to spend time with him he would always say “i can’t today, sorry”. Another example, I would tell him how I don’t do “good time not a long time” with anyone, I build foundations with ppl for the long run. He would say he understood but would bring up “we’re not together” when I would explain things I’m frustrated about that he does. It almost felt like he was teasing me sometimes about that too. when we would hangout one day but I would have to leave to go home, he would say things like “if you didn’t leave so early today, you would’ve been mine”. And things like this have always happened for 3 YEARS. To sum up the turn out of the constant disappointment, it wasn’t good for me so I cut off all communication with him, cold turkey.
I finally moved on but I’m so unaffectionate to this new guy I’m interested in. When I say unaffectionate I mean pretty cold. I still think about what could’ve been with the previous guy because I’m still in love with him. Like am I dumb??!?! I still love that idiot little boy ??!? WHY??!!
Awwww that’s never nice man. He literally dangled a relationship over your head and constantly kept toying with your emotions. He knew what you wanted and kept on using the hope of a relationship to make you stick around.
The right person won’t make you doubt your own feelings, and their words will match their actions. You know you don’t deserve this treatment as you’ve already written in your post. But it didn’t just happen one time, it was over a long period of time. And every time you engaged with him even after he played with your feelings, that was an act of self-betrayal.
Your first problem moving forward is thinking every guy you meet is going to do exactly the same thing this ex guy did. No. Here’s the problem, and this is where you also need take accountability. The only way he could have played with your feelings for so long is because you never stopped him. This lasted 3 years.
When someone doesn’t give you want you want, and you know they are using it to manipulate you: for your own sanity, step away. When things appear to be a one-sided attraction, and you want them more than they want you, you just end up disappointing yourself. It becomes a complete waste of time. You think that your feelings are big enough for the two of you. They aren’t.
In losing all sense of proportion, you become so consumed by how you feel that you want them to be swept up in all the love you have to give. You hope that one day he’ll catch up to how you feel and return it. Trust me, they don’t.
It is not easy to break those patterns! Avoiding men is not going to change anything. Being loved and supported is your birthright. Who benefits from this when you stop yourself from moving on? Not you, but definitely your ex wins. He doesn’t want you and he’ll make sure no one else has you either.
Just promise yourself this time around you won’t settle for a half-assed relationship. Differentiate between who is giving you the real thing and who is just offering you a fantasy.
Anon
2 years ago
Hey. I’ve known this guy for almost 7 years now. We have been great friends. Became Best friends! I’ve had a crush on him for so long but he never knew. I’d always see him flirt with other girls. This really affected my mental health but I never told him about it. I started distancing myself from him slowly because my feelings were getting stronger and I couldn’t take it. I was ready for marriage since I graduated from uni 2 years ago and was ready to settle down. So my dad was arranging my wedding and I was okay with it. He noticed I was distancing myself and had I was having an arranged marriage. He confessed he’s feelings for me and told me bad things about the guy I was about to marry. He was so mad that I didn’t even care to tell him about what was happening in my life anymore. I was literally shocked when he confessed he’s feelings to me. I called off my wedding. I told my dad that I didn’t want an arranged marriage. He seemed upset but understood.I gave my bestie a chance. We went from hanging out everyday to talking about our dreams and children to him telling me he’s busy. He wasn’t answering my calls and totally went ghost on me. Two months later he proposed to me and I said yes. We were supposed to meet each others parents but he went ghost again. I let him go and since then he didn’t hit me up. Was I at fault for not confronting him? I miss him terribly. I hate him so much for leading me on but my dignity will never let him in my life again but at the same he’s like become a part of me. What should I do?
I want to be so so nice to you, but you fucked up sis. Big fuck up.
You never ever make decisions on your life based on what a man tells you, because once they get you to do whatever it is they want you to do… they fuck off. Honestly for your sake imma make dua this man doesn’t get away with that because HOW. Do you know how rude that is????? Omg someone needs to jump him
Listen all you can do is smoke this L and move on. Don’t expect a response back from him and to be frankly honest with you, don’t wait for one either. Your pride should be shattered right now, he literally got you to call off your own wedding. Charge it to the game and forget about him.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi love,
I am 33 this year, not married, don’t have kids.
But am I wrong in resenting my parents for giving me emotional and physical trauma?
I feel like if I had a good or at least normal childhood without the psychological, emotional and physical abuse, I think would’ve be happily married with kids like my other peers my age or been in a real or have some life experiences but I constantly battle my thoughts and struggling in doing any basic task. I don’t have friends because my parents controlled my life even in my late 20s. I couldn’t just get up and have brunch with a college friend but I would get in a physical altercation with a parent. I can’t make friends because this is not high school where I can come up to a person and say “hi”. Life is so difficult for me. I am in therapy and on medication but I feel so lonely.
I don’t want to sound like a victim but I feel like my whole life is wasted because of my parents decisions and I hate them for that. They have never apologized for any of their abuse and they constantly gaslight me.
I have decided to move and cut contact with my family and try to heal this way. But Islamic wise it says that I am cursed if i dishonor or disrespect my parents.
But what can I do?
When it comes to a select few parents, they really do have the ability to fuck up the trajectory of your life – as would a toxic partner.
But wallahi even though it doesn’t look like it, there is power in not allowing them to do so. I’m gonna try and explain it as best as I can.
The only being capable of holding your parents accountable is illahi. I can’t tell you when that will happen for you, but that doesn’t mean theres nothing you can do about it NOW.
The thing is there is so much power in the tongue, when you keep complaining, nothing gets better for you. You just keep reminding yourself of how hopeless you are in this situation.
Idk, but my comping mechanism is trying to take my power back in situations that are hurting me. A lot of phrases like “I can’t”, “I want to”, “I wish”, “why me?”, etc are words you should avoid using. What you don’t realize is, those of you who talk like that, are not taking the reigns and doing something about your situation. You subconsciously act like a victim (even if you logically don’t think you are) by taking responsibility off of your present self and chalking it up as “it’s so-and-so’s fault”. Regardless at the end of the day, its up to the qadr Allah swt. But right now anyway, you can actually do something about it.
If you want to take control of your situation, you need to be at the cause, not the effect. Take responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens in your life from now onwards sis. You can’t control something happening or the emotions happening, but you CAN control the way you work through those emotions and your subsequent actions.
You don’t have to cut off your parents, but its definitely time to stop being a passenger in your own life. Make up for all that lost time by flipping going out there and forcing yourself to do all the things you didn’t get to do. Go out every single day. Say yes to every single motive. Go on holidays with your friends. You don’t need to be married and have kids straight away. You need to live your own life RIGHT NOW.
You only waste more years being upset. Start living your life
The only thing I hate about our community
Is that I would love a destination wedding or beautiful venue. Cuz mums demands and stuff she wants a typical somali party for her and fam/friends. I don’t want that- I’m ngl I actual hate it . I love some element like music but not for me
No to Milan no to diamond
I would rather have it in micro scale ( limited amount of people) with somali music and traditional songs aboard or outside in marquee
Omg this was originally me and my husbands plan but it was virtually impossible to do given the restrictions. But we settled for a hall and a few family members and it did the job honestly. I’m kinda grateful tbh because it was less stressful in the end, and we got to spend most of the budget on a fuck off honeymoon. Wallahi at the end of the day, it really is just one day. Have a nice bridal party and go abroad with you and your husband.
Anon
2 years ago
I was so shy to ask that question so thank you very much😭❤️
I won’t ever stop saying this, but I genuinely reading the advice you give to these girls. You really are a older sister, we’ve never had and I love it so much.
My heart! This is soo soo nice of you 🙂 Wallahi thank you girl
its an honour
Anon
2 years ago
hey my dilemma is that i hate spending time with my family. like i love them don’t get me wrong but they really don’t understand me at all. i don’t have a victim mentality where i can understand that people have different personalities however no one wants to understand mine. i am introverted and need time alone here and there but im often branded as moody or angry when i am just in need of some down time. anyways its my brothers birthday soon and he wants to do a get away but im dreading it since i’ll be labelled as bad vibes if im not joking and laughing… sometimes its like i can’t just be silent without there being anything to it. its exhausting being fun and jokey 24/7 and its not me. anyways this judgey attitude and the comments make it hard for me to be myself around them therefore should i just skip out all together if i know i won’t feel good spending excessive time? but even that will be used against me… help
Rest assured, most people don’t like spending time with family for too long. But they’re family at the end of the day. You are forced to put up with them, until you have means to move out. It’s just one of those things unfortunately. The absolute best thing you can do is literally kill them with kindness. They can’t get to you when their words don’t mean a thing. One thing I can say is, one day you’ll be with your family and then suddenly you’ll be married and have kids of your own. Time flies by so quickly.
Also try to read Alice Miller, “The Drama of the Gifted Child”.
All families are fcked to one extent or another. Deal with it, move on, try to be a better parent than they were to you when you have your own kids. That’s about the best you can hope for.
Anon
2 years ago
Please help. I found out my husband was visiting online escort sites and other dodgy sites within the area we live in. He swears that he didn’t visit anyone and only accessed the sites. He has a stressful job and he said he did it to get away from his problems. He wants to make amends. He wants to start praying and get closer to his deen. I don’t know if he is saying this just to make me forgive him. He has contacted an Imam to get things moving with his deen. I’m in a real dilemma.
Oh he’s definitely saying that to make you forgive him.
My gut instinct is to say that he sounds like he is having serious self esteem issues. He probably has not cheated but is just curious. I would say that if he doesn’t get his shit together he could actually go through with it though.
Whether he’s actually cheated or not, only God knows.
The good news is that the consequences of that fact are in your control to a large part. It will probably take a while — maybe a couple years — to fully decide how you want to respond to this fact. Hopefully you don’t have any children with him, and if you do – stack up on contraception. We definitely don’t need another baby on the way.
If possible, could you check his financial statements? Because right now you need to know if he’s been toying with the idea or he’s actually fulfilling it..
How to deal with people throwing shade unprovoked
It depends on who is being shady. I would only ever take it personally if my close friends are being shady, because that would really hurt. In that case, those people are never really your friends.
But if I don’t know you from Adam? Automatically I’m assuming that I’ve taken up space in your head and that’s enough for my ego LOL – because for what reason do you need to shade me when I literally don’t know you? The best thing I can say to you & it usually works for me is honestly if my life is good and im leading a very happy life – why should i care? Words wallahi are nothing
I’ve recently ended a 3 year situationship with a guy I was in love with but it felt like he wasn’t in love with me. I’ve always known he found me attractive but I never felt as though he wanted to be with me at the next level (marriage). For example, I come from a religious Somali household so being out all the time or at late hours is not okay. He would get irritated that I can’t spend time with him like he wanted but when I finally put a lot of effort to spend time with him he would always say “i can’t today, sorry”. Another example, I would tell him how I don’t do “good time not a long time” with anyone, I build foundations with ppl for the long run. He would say he understood but would bring up “we’re not together” when I would explain things I’m frustrated about that he does. It almost felt like he was teasing me sometimes about that too. when we would hangout one day but I would have to leave to go home, he would say things like “if you didn’t leave so early today, you would’ve been mine”. And things like this have always happened for 3 YEARS. To sum up the turn out of the constant disappointment, it wasn’t good for me so I cut off all communication with him, cold turkey.
I finally moved on but I’m so unaffectionate to this new guy I’m interested in. When I say unaffectionate I mean pretty cold. I still think about what could’ve been with the previous guy because I’m still in love with him. Like am I dumb??!?! I still love that idiot little boy ??!? WHY??!!
Awwww that’s never nice man. He literally dangled a relationship over your head and constantly kept toying with your emotions. He knew what you wanted and kept on using the hope of a relationship to make you stick around.
The right person won’t make you doubt your own feelings, and their words will match their actions. You know you don’t deserve this treatment as you’ve already written in your post. But it didn’t just happen one time, it was over a long period of time. And every time you engaged with him even after he played with your feelings, that was an act of self-betrayal.
Your first problem moving forward is thinking every guy you meet is going to do exactly the same thing this ex guy did. No. Here’s the problem, and this is where you also need take accountability. The only way he could have played with your feelings for so long is because you never stopped him. This lasted 3 years.
When someone doesn’t give you want you want, and you know they are using it to manipulate you: for your own sanity, step away. When things appear to be a one-sided attraction, and you want them more than they want you, you just end up disappointing yourself. It becomes a complete waste of time. You think that your feelings are big enough for the two of you. They aren’t.
In losing all sense of proportion, you become so consumed by how you feel that you want them to be swept up in all the love you have to give. You hope that one day he’ll catch up to how you feel and return it. Trust me, they don’t.
It is not easy to break those patterns! Avoiding men is not going to change anything. Being loved and supported is your birthright. Who benefits from this when you stop yourself from moving on? Not you, but definitely your ex wins. He doesn’t want you and he’ll make sure no one else has you either.
Just promise yourself this time around you won’t settle for a half-assed relationship. Differentiate between who is giving you the real thing and who is just offering you a fantasy.
Hey. I’ve known this guy for almost 7 years now. We have been great friends. Became Best friends! I’ve had a crush on him for so long but he never knew. I’d always see him flirt with other girls. This really affected my mental health but I never told him about it. I started distancing myself from him slowly because my feelings were getting stronger and I couldn’t take it. I was ready for marriage since I graduated from uni 2 years ago and was ready to settle down. So my dad was arranging my wedding and I was okay with it. He noticed I was distancing myself and had I was having an arranged marriage. He confessed he’s feelings for me and told me bad things about the guy I was about to marry. He was so mad that I didn’t even care to tell him about what was happening in my life anymore. I was literally shocked when he confessed he’s feelings to me. I called off my wedding. I told my dad that I didn’t want an arranged marriage. He seemed upset but understood.I gave my bestie a chance. We went from hanging out everyday to talking about our dreams and children to him telling me he’s busy. He wasn’t answering my calls and totally went ghost on me. Two months later he proposed to me and I said yes. We were supposed to meet each others parents but he went ghost again. I let him go and since then he didn’t hit me up. Was I at fault for not confronting him? I miss him terribly. I hate him so much for leading me on but my dignity will never let him in my life again but at the same he’s like become a part of me. What should I do?
I want to be so so nice to you, but you fucked up sis. Big fuck up.
You never ever make decisions on your life based on what a man tells you, because once they get you to do whatever it is they want you to do… they fuck off. Honestly for your sake imma make dua this man doesn’t get away with that because HOW. Do you know how rude that is????? Omg someone needs to jump him
Listen all you can do is smoke this L and move on. Don’t expect a response back from him and to be frankly honest with you, don’t wait for one either. Your pride should be shattered right now, he literally got you to call off your own wedding. Charge it to the game and forget about him.
Hi love,
I am 33 this year, not married, don’t have kids.
But am I wrong in resenting my parents for giving me emotional and physical trauma?
I feel like if I had a good or at least normal childhood without the psychological, emotional and physical abuse, I think would’ve be happily married with kids like my other peers my age or been in a real or have some life experiences but I constantly battle my thoughts and struggling in doing any basic task. I don’t have friends because my parents controlled my life even in my late 20s. I couldn’t just get up and have brunch with a college friend but I would get in a physical altercation with a parent. I can’t make friends because this is not high school where I can come up to a person and say “hi”. Life is so difficult for me. I am in therapy and on medication but I feel so lonely.
I don’t want to sound like a victim but I feel like my whole life is wasted because of my parents decisions and I hate them for that. They have never apologized for any of their abuse and they constantly gaslight me.
I have decided to move and cut contact with my family and try to heal this way. But Islamic wise it says that I am cursed if i dishonor or disrespect my parents.
But what can I do?
When it comes to a select few parents, they really do have the ability to fuck up the trajectory of your life – as would a toxic partner.
But wallahi even though it doesn’t look like it, there is power in not allowing them to do so. I’m gonna try and explain it as best as I can.
The only being capable of holding your parents accountable is illahi. I can’t tell you when that will happen for you, but that doesn’t mean theres nothing you can do about it NOW.
The thing is there is so much power in the tongue, when you keep complaining, nothing gets better for you. You just keep reminding yourself of how hopeless you are in this situation.
Idk, but my comping mechanism is trying to take my power back in situations that are hurting me. A lot of phrases like “I can’t”, “I want to”, “I wish”, “why me?”, etc are words you should avoid using. What you don’t realize is, those of you who talk like that, are not taking the reigns and doing something about your situation. You subconsciously act like a victim (even if you logically don’t think you are) by taking responsibility off of your present self and chalking it up as “it’s so-and-so’s fault”. Regardless at the end of the day, its up to the qadr Allah swt. But right now anyway, you can actually do something about it.
If you want to take control of your situation, you need to be at the cause, not the effect. Take responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens in your life from now onwards sis. You can’t control something happening or the emotions happening, but you CAN control the way you work through those emotions and your subsequent actions.
You don’t have to cut off your parents, but its definitely time to stop being a passenger in your own life. Make up for all that lost time by flipping going out there and forcing yourself to do all the things you didn’t get to do. Go out every single day. Say yes to every single motive. Go on holidays with your friends. You don’t need to be married and have kids straight away. You need to live your own life RIGHT NOW.
You only waste more years being upset. Start living your life
hello!
Heyyy!
The only thing I hate about our community
Is that I would love a destination wedding or beautiful venue. Cuz mums demands and stuff she wants a typical somali party for her and fam/friends. I don’t want that- I’m ngl I actual hate it . I love some element like music but not for me
No to Milan no to diamond
I would rather have it in micro scale ( limited amount of people) with somali music and traditional songs aboard or outside in marquee
Omg this was originally me and my husbands plan but it was virtually impossible to do given the restrictions. But we settled for a hall and a few family members and it did the job honestly. I’m kinda grateful tbh because it was less stressful in the end, and we got to spend most of the budget on a fuck off honeymoon. Wallahi at the end of the day, it really is just one day. Have a nice bridal party and go abroad with you and your husband.
I was so shy to ask that question so thank you very much😭❤️
You’re welcome 🙂
I won’t ever stop saying this, but I genuinely reading the advice you give to these girls. You really are a older sister, we’ve never had and I love it so much.
My heart! This is soo soo nice of you 🙂 Wallahi thank you girl
its an honour
hey my dilemma is that i hate spending time with my family. like i love them don’t get me wrong but they really don’t understand me at all. i don’t have a victim mentality where i can understand that people have different personalities however no one wants to understand mine. i am introverted and need time alone here and there but im often branded as moody or angry when i am just in need of some down time. anyways its my brothers birthday soon and he wants to do a get away but im dreading it since i’ll be labelled as bad vibes if im not joking and laughing… sometimes its like i can’t just be silent without there being anything to it. its exhausting being fun and jokey 24/7 and its not me. anyways this judgey attitude and the comments make it hard for me to be myself around them therefore should i just skip out all together if i know i won’t feel good spending excessive time? but even that will be used against me… help
Rest assured, most people don’t like spending time with family for too long. But they’re family at the end of the day. You are forced to put up with them, until you have means to move out. It’s just one of those things unfortunately. The absolute best thing you can do is literally kill them with kindness. They can’t get to you when their words don’t mean a thing. One thing I can say is, one day you’ll be with your family and then suddenly you’ll be married and have kids of your own. Time flies by so quickly.
Also try to read Alice Miller, “The Drama of the Gifted Child”.
All families are fcked to one extent or another. Deal with it, move on, try to be a better parent than they were to you when you have your own kids. That’s about the best you can hope for.
Please help. I found out my husband was visiting online escort sites and other dodgy sites within the area we live in. He swears that he didn’t visit anyone and only accessed the sites. He has a stressful job and he said he did it to get away from his problems. He wants to make amends. He wants to start praying and get closer to his deen. I don’t know if he is saying this just to make me forgive him. He has contacted an Imam to get things moving with his deen. I’m in a real dilemma.
Oh he’s definitely saying that to make you forgive him.
My gut instinct is to say that he sounds like he is having serious self esteem issues. He probably has not cheated but is just curious. I would say that if he doesn’t get his shit together he could actually go through with it though.
Whether he’s actually cheated or not, only God knows.
The good news is that the consequences of that fact are in your control to a large part. It will probably take a while — maybe a couple years — to fully decide how you want to respond to this fact. Hopefully you don’t have any children with him, and if you do – stack up on contraception. We definitely don’t need another baby on the way.
If possible, could you check his financial statements? Because right now you need to know if he’s been toying with the idea or he’s actually fulfilling it..