I hate how much I think about marriage I’m 20, I never ever use to think about it. Ibvs as you get older people around you getting married (friends/family) it’s a topic that gets discussed a lot more but idk it feels weird how it’s mentioned all the damn time, i swear it wasn’t like this or was I just not aware as I am now? Is it because i’m finishing uni soon and that’s the next step for a lot of people (not me) but I know marriage does be for so many people.. idk
I’d definitely feel the same way if I wasn’t married, because when I was dating rarely did I hear about marriage. But don’t forget, we are all at that age now where everyone is taking that next step.
It’s like when we all graduated around the same time. Well now we’re all getting married around the same time.
Try not to feel left behind, because when you end up trying to copy & emulate what other people have: you’ll just end up with a shittier version.
Anon
2 years ago
My opinions on my marriage has changed so much over the last couple of months. I’m in my early 20s and there were people around me like the women in my family advising me to get married young. The more I read your responses and blogs it has really changed my perspective. I feel like us girls that are in our early 20s should just live life, work, get our money up and focus on ourselves, our deen and travelling. Of course marriage is important but that should not be a big focus; ignore the pressure from elders and other women. Also, I’m now open to getting to know guys outside of my ethnicity because at the end of the day a man being Muslim is the most important thing. Ofcourse parents blessing is okay but having a man that respects you, follows the deen and provides is also important. I would advice girls to look outside the box in terms of ethnicity. Look just don’t settle is all I’m saying. Sorry I’m just ranting but I’ve just realised my perspective has changed over the months. Your blog has helped me so much and your responses so please keep it up ❤️❤️
So things keep going left in life, like i’m genuinely trying to stay strong and trying to overcome obstacles but i’m holding on by a thread. I’ve had some pretty serious obstacles hit me i.e. finances, university (i study an intense course which i feel like i’m never good enough to do well in) my health issues, relationships, issues, family illnesses, anxiety, traumas from the past haunting back. I know i have to bear patience and connect to Allah, that I have to be secure in Allah’s tawakuul, i try to be positive I always try to keep a smile and be positive to others, I know i need to keep going but when alone i’m so broken, I just cry myself to sleep and sometimes I just want to give up the good fight.
I know you are a hopeful person Allahuma Barik, how do you keep your hope solid? how do you deal with mental health worries, what are some of your healthy coping mechanisms? And finally How do you personally keep afloat when life throws you some of it’s hardest obstacles and battles?
Also, most importantly, Allah reward and protect you in alll that you ever do. May he spread light into all aspects of your life! You really are the big sis we never had 🥰🥰
I’m so sorry to hear that, May Allah grant you sabr during this difficult time in your life.
Before you continue, don’t think for a second that me or anyone else does not experience hardships in life. Me particularly, my coping mechanisms are far from healthy, its just a flight or fight response. Those decisions are rarely made from a place of comfort but more for my self preservation. I probably only ever considered therapy, maybe last year? Anything else before that I was just barebacking life.
My mentality has only ever been: just charge it to the game. It is so unhealthy, but it is the only way I get through any hardships. Literally gritting my teeth and just doing it. And when it gets bad BAD, I’ll probably either isolate myself, comfort eat or have a completely strict dieting/workout routine. It’s all over the place, but to me its better than having any other vices. I can do all of that but you still won’t hear a peep from me. When I complain too much, to me anyway, I feel like I’ve already lost.
And the only reason why I found a coping mechanism (no matter how unhealthy it was) – was honestly because I know people genuinely don’t care. Everyone, rightfully so, is consumed with their own lives, so you really just have yourself. Even when it comes to family, at some point – even they themselves don’t have the means to make you and your mental health the centre of their lives anymore.
I learnt very quickly not to wait for someone to save me – I’d rather just go through what I need to go through with the hopes that it would get better. And wallahi if I’m being completely honest: I saw my situation change very quickly when I did this instead of looking for people around me to alleviate my hardship.
Also, I think this is what has strengthened my faith in illahi. Before maybe 13, everyone in my family described me as impatient and that I was babied in the family (I was the youngest for a very long time). Eventually, when I no longer became the centre of everyone’s attention – I was forced to learn how to look after myself mentally and emotionally. Now, no matter how close you are to me – the only being I could ever ask for help 100% of the time is illahi. It’s made me so hopeful and I’m content that this is my only coping mechanism. If I believe nothing will ever get better, I’d just be depressed and nothing will ever change. That goes for everything. My education, work, family or anything that stresses me out. It has to get better otherwise I’ll lose it. And the only being who can promise me that, is our creator.
If I keep asking myself “why me?” –I’d just feel like a victim. Me keeping faith is genuinely the only thing that makes me feel like I’m in control and is the only thing that will encourage me to actively make steps that could improve my situation. Remember, you must tie your camel and make dua that illahi will keep it safe for you.
Another thing is, as muslim we are taught to say alhamdulilah for everything. Often times, we don’t look at what we DO have – and that makes us feel like we have nothing. But in fact, illahi has blessed you in so many other ways that its easier to forget. Saying Alhamdulilah gives you perspective. It gives us a better understanding and greater empathy.
Just think about it, google how being thankful can change your attitude towards everyday struggle if you don’t believe me. A small thing like that can indirectly change your situation without you even realising.
Another thing is that your perspective needs to be balanced. Its easy for everyone to suddenly have perspective when you tell them to. But to acquire a balanced perspective, you yourself need to have knowledge of all the variables, alternatives, and possibilities that could happen. In other words, you basically need to imagine what could have life you had if illahi suddenly took things from you.
Bruv everyday I think about imagine if my parent’s didn’t flee Somalia, or if I didn’t move from a certain area (which in turn, allowed me to apply to a good school). Without all of this I’d be FINISHED. Everything I have now is a direct outcome from all these events that occurred in my life. It makes me scared how differently my life would have been if it never happened. Which is why regardless, I am still so grateful.
The only thing I can say to you is to just keep having faith
I’m so sorry to hear that, May Allah grant you sabr during this difficult time in your life.
Before you continue, don’t think for a second that me or anyone else does not experience hardships in life. Me particularly, my coping mechanisms are far from healthy, its just a flight or fight response. Those decisions are rarely made from a place of comfort but more for my self preservation. I probably only ever considered therapy, maybe last year? Anything else before that I was just barebacking life.
My mentality has only ever been: just charge it to the game. It is so unhealthy, but it is the only way I get through any hardships. Literally gritting my teeth and just doing it. And when it gets bad BAD, I’ll probably either isolate myself, comfort eat or have a completely strict dieting/workout routine. It’s all over the place, but to me its better than having any other vices. I can do all of that but you still won’t hear a peep from me. When I complain too much, to me anyway, I feel like I’ve already lost.
And the only reason why I found a coping mechanism (no matter how unhealthy it was) – was honestly because I know people genuinely don’t care. Everyone, rightfully so, is consumed with their own lives, so you really just have yourself. Even when it comes to family, at some point – even they themselves don’t have the means to make you and your mental health the centre of their lives anymore.
I learnt very quickly not to wait for someone to save me – I’d rather just go through what I need to go through with the hopes that it would get better. And wallahi if I’m being completely honest: I saw my situation change very quickly when I did this instead of looking for people around me to alleviate my hardship.
Also, I think this is what has strengthened my faith in illahi. Before maybe 13, everyone in my family described me as impatient and that I was babied in the family (I was the youngest for a very long time). Eventually, when I no longer became the centre of everyone’s attention – I was forced to learn how to look after myself mentally and emotionally. Now, no matter how close you are to me – the only being I could ever ask for help 100% of the time is illahi. It’s made me so hopeful and I’m content that this is my only coping mechanism. If I believe nothing will ever get better, I’d just be depressed and nothing will ever change. That goes for everything. My education, work, family or anything that stresses me out. It has to get better otherwise I’ll lose it. And the only being who can promise me that, is our creator.
If I keep asking myself “why me?” –I’d just feel like a victim. Me keeping faith is genuinely the only thing that makes me feel like I’m in control and is the only thing that will encourage me to actively make steps that could improve my situation. Remember, you must tie your camel and make dua that illahi will keep it safe for you.
Another thing is, as muslim we are taught to say alhamdulilah for everything. Often times, we don’t look at what we DO have – and that makes us feel like we have nothing. But in fact, illahi has blessed you in so many other ways that its easier to forget. Saying Alhamdulilah gives you perspective. It gives us a better understanding and greater empathy.
Just think about it, google how being thankful can change your attitude towards everyday struggle if you don’t believe me. A small thing like that can indirectly change your situation without you even realising.
Another thing is that your perspective needs to be balanced. Its easy for everyone to suddenly have perspective when you tell them to. But to acquire a balanced perspective, you yourself need to have knowledge of all the variables, alternatives, and possibilities that could happen.
In other words, you basically need to imagine what life could have been had illahi suddenly took things from you.
Bruv everyday I think about imagine if my parent’s didn’t flee Somalia, or if I didn’t move from a certain area (which in turn, allowed me to apply to a good school). Without all of this I’d be FINISHED. Everything I have now is a direct outcome from all these events that occurred in my life. It makes me scared how differently my life would have been if it never happened. Which is why regardless, I am still so grateful.
The only thing I can say to you is to just keep having faith
Last edited 2 years ago by Lulu
Anon
2 years ago
Am I being ungrateful or have I allowed social media gift sharing get to my head?
Hi sis.
Me and my husband have been married for little under a year however when I married him he never gave me the impression that he was broke. He had his own business he was running and although it was not the most successful business move he still made some money from it.
Fast forward to nearly a year later and his financial situation has gotten a lot worse. He pays the house bills and rent but sometimes can fall short and I recently found out his family have been helping him pay these bills (am I bad to feel embarrassed at this?).
It was recently both of our birthdays and I gifted him things that he really loved and adored as I had done my research but when it came to me he literally gifted me something so small that was under £20. Now I’m always one to scream “it’s the thought that counts” but I can’t even begin to express how angry the gift he got me made me feel. Every time I remember I just think how can he be so shit at giving gifts yet you see other men who are so well versed at gifting their wife’s here on social media.
Please let me know if I’m being ungrateful or have a right to be upset over something you’d gift your teenage girlfriend and not your wife on her birthday.
Well of course his financial situation has gotten worse.
When he was buying you gifts, he was living at his mums house, rent free. He could afford to buy you all the nice things because he didn’t have to pay rent.
Now, shit has changed.
He is literally and figuratively putting a roof over your head, and that shit is expensive. Don’t be embarrassed his family are helping him! Mashallah that he has family who can help him out, do you know how many young people would love that??
I wanna cuss you out looool but wallahi I understand how you’d feel this way.
When you see people getting gifts, or being excessively spoiled by their partner – its easy to be like to your man: wtf are you doing for me? This is why I genuinely think social media is problematic. It can make you start looking at a good situation very differently. It doesn’t even have to be about your relationship so to speak, but across the board. People who have good careers still feel like they’re behind.
You just need to put your focus on at what he IS doing. Do you pay rent? Do you financially contribute to the household?
No you don’t.
Listen even if you’re doing well earning 6 figures a year, you are not going to be able to live like these celebrities you see buying their Mrs Birkin bags every year. Especially when you live in the UK. Shit is expensive! Why do you think people are leaving this country?? People who earn 6 figures a year pay almost 45% in taxes. Half their pay check goes to the tax man!
Whilst social media might not ruin relationships directly, it will create problems especially if you just keep comparing yourself to other people. How many times have we heard people taking out loans just to appear as image gang? Stop comparing yourself to people.
Relationships have to stand on their own and not in comparison to others. If you don’t g check yourself now, wallahi you’ll never be happy and you could ruin a good relationship.
Anon
2 years ago
Asc ladies
I’m a 26yr old somali female going on 27. Being the eldest, I’ve felt the pressure to exceed and look after my family etc and alhamdulilah I’ve been doing just that, whilst at the same time taking care of my needs ie save etc
My dilemma is I bring home a little over 3k a month after tax and I can’t complain it gets me by, my bills are paid on time and I manage to go on holiday at least twice a year.
My dilemma is, I feel like crap all the time. I work really hard and although I’m grateful for my job, twitter never fails to constantly remind me that I’m not doing enough. I’m even considering going into Tech (despite not having a clue about it) just so I can feel accomplished and earn something a bit more “decent” as my friends would say.
All my girlies are in tech and although I’m happy for them they constantly try to “bring” me in and don’t even stop and ask me if I actually like my job etc.
Now I’m just sat here, re-evaluating my life, should I be doing more? Shall I listen to my friends and peddle into the tech world? Or should I keep doing what I do and not let social media or my girls get in my ear?
Thank you for taking the time out to read this ladies ❤️
You are literally one of the top earners in the UK as a young person.
Forget about twitter, everyone on there are liars.
Let me just say quickly but a lot of these people who are earning 6 figures in tech, its really reserved for seniors or people who have been in the field for a long time. I’m talking at least 6 years experience. I’d be really surprised if someone said they didn’t have 6 years experience but was still making 6 figures. I’d acc think you’re a liar.
Anyway the point is, don’t watch these people. You are doing so well allahumabarik, say alhamdulilah Allah swt has given you the means to pay all your bills whilst still being able to enjoy yourself.
Twitter aint real! Wallahi it’s a deception, people who are doing good still feel like they’re so behind. People who are on 6 figures still feel like they’re behind!
We are all rats spinning on a wheel, once we’ve achieved something – we’re still looking for something else.
You’re comparing your behind the scenes footage with a stranger’s highlight reels. People are only showing you their successes, not their struggles. You don’t know what they did in order to get to where they are.
If Dubai porta potty has shown us anything its that people we looked up to, can get their money from ANYWHERE and we would never know.
Recently anyway, I’ve felt for a long time I’m gonna get rid of social media at some point, not because I feel behind but because it invites a lot of negativity. Everyone is complaining about something, you won’t think it affects you now until you realise you’re becoming more nit-picky about things and are willing to argue about anything. Also you can’t talk about things without inviting negative feedback. Wallahi it really is a nasty place. I feel like as soon as I have kids or have a certain lifestyle, the first thing I’m getting rid of is twitter.
Instagram is cool tho
Anon
2 years ago
I feel like I’m in such a rut with school and work I don’t have the motivation I used to I used to be such an academic person who thrived off academic validation but I’m in my second year uni and I’m so unsure of my major I took this semester off and my parents don’t even know. I also left my city and went to another city for 2 weeks where all my close cousins live I don’t have sisters so they are basically my sisters and we are all so close and a few friends live there as well and I felt like my best self there they even told me to stay and move my schooling and work there but I was afraid what my parents would say. I got back to my hometown and literally feel depressed I don’t go out with the people here like I used to and just sleep all day. I was literally crying all day today thinking about how I felt when I was there compared to here. Any advice Would be appreciated
Motivation is not what you’re looking for, it’s discipline.
Listen we have all been there.
The only thing that got me through times where I’ve seemingly lost motivation, is what I would feel like if I haven’t done it.
I’ll give you an example. When I was watching youtube videos about people who had a similar thyroid condition as me, they kept talking about how much they had to change their lifestyle in order to feel better. They basc said “either I do it and feel shit but eventually theres going to be successful, or not make the sacrifrices and still feel like shit without any hopes of it getting better.”
And its fucking true. It’s like losing weight, what would you rather? Be overweight and happy or being overweight being unhappy working out & dieting but atleast know in a few months you’re going to have the body you want??
Either way you’re gonna be happy, might as well do something that will change your situation in the future.
Just Do It. When you say “waiting for motivation” what you’re effectively saying is you’re “waiting ‘til you feel like doing it” — This isn’t going to happen. You can’t wait until you like revising or you’re in the mood for it. Instead, you force yourself to do it and bear the discomfort. When you bear this discomfort multiple times in any endeavour, you find that it becomes less uncomfortable and easier to do— at the very least you stop dreading it. This is discipline.
Don’t want to do it? Do it.
You’ll find that discipline is a skill that is transferrable across the entirety of your life. Once learned, it’ll help you with something else entirely.
So bear that pain and discomfort. You’ll be stronger for it.
Anon
2 years ago
Asc beautiful hope you’re in the best of health &imaan in sha Allah♥️
Firstly I’d just like to say thank you so so much for this page, honestly angel I don’t think you understand how much it really has helped not only for me but for sure so many other girls out there!!
I haven’t really got a dilemma but I’ve noticed some of the answers you give you speak about how your husband was towards you before marriage and how he is now and honestly Allahuma barik!! may Allah bless you both and protect you from all evil ameen.
My question when you first got together how did you guys meet? <3
This makes me so happy! This is exactly what I wanted this website to do, bring us all together and feel like we have a little safe place. Ameen ameen!
And I’m sure I said it before but we met on a day neither of us were meant to go out. I had stopped talking to a really close friends so I wanted to stay at home all day, but was forced to go out and he was only out for his friends event. I met him on my way home
Anon
2 years ago
I’ve decided I don’t want a wedding and just a nikkah but I also wanna celebrate with my closest and I haven’t figured out a way to incorporate both because Somali weddings in the nikkah the bride stays home. I am defo getting dressed up and doing a pre shoot but I don’t want to plan a get together in the evening for the ladies only because the stress and planning will be the same but on a smaller scale with less ppl. I still don’t know how I want it. All I know is I want to be stressed as little as possible, enjoy my photo shoot and have a fab time abroad. How did you make your nikkah so you felt you were a part of it.
The photoshoot and wedding dinner made me feel like I was apart of the celebration. Even being able to get ready, having hair and make up & watching the official nikkah from facetime, that all made me feel like I was part of it.
Especially having my bridal shower a few days before.
Of course having a BIG wedding will make it feel like its your day, but its also about all the other small things you have before then. Then henna day, going to a hammam, preparing for married life. When your in laws come to your house asking for your hand, which is actually much more scary than the wedding day.
Weddings get too much PR, its literally last for a few hours whereas the preparations feel like YEARS.
It shouldn’t be an awkward conversation to have, just say me and my parents expect so and so.
I believe its best to do it early, so there is no confusion later. Because you risk making your partner feel as if its not necessary to give it to you, ultimately leaving you with nothing.
Anon
2 years ago
You are so incredibly articulate, Allahumma barik! The way you write is so concise and impactful, have you always been able to write so well or is it something you’ve strengthened in recent years? And would you say it’s a result of reading books (and if so, have you been a reader since childhood or more recently)? I’m currently in second year uni but still quite insecure about my essay writing and would love to know any tips you have to be a more confident writer. And also what method of revision you’ve found works best for you. Thank you in advance! x
Awww thank you sis that is actually a really nice compliment haha
And honestly my kindle helped me a lot, my dad got me one when I used to struggle in English back in year 8. That single handedly changed how I even formulated sentences in my head. I was going through at least 2 books a week from year 8 to end of year 11. As I continued to read, I subconsciously stopped using slang too which helped big time.
In year 12 though was when I really really learned how to articulate myself vocally. A Levels kicked my ass and the only thing that motivated me was watching ted talks on youtube. I’ve at least watched 70% of that channel. It won’t teach you vocabulary, but it will give you a sense of how words sound when stringed together. And it helped me to slow down when I was speaking to people.
All of that combined especially helped me in university when I was writing essays, because then you know how to make a point succinctly and how to get that across to whoever is marking it.
In terms of revising, the best method arguably has to be the repetition method. Your brain basically memorises the work for you, even if you unintentionally are not trying to. When you go past something everyday, test yourself on it, go back again the next day, test yourself on it – after a few days its stored in your brain.
Even some topics I used to make a song about theorists and what their teachings were for my exam, and to this day I haven’t forgotten it
I hate how much I think about marriage I’m 20, I never ever use to think about it. Ibvs as you get older people around you getting married (friends/family) it’s a topic that gets discussed a lot more but idk it feels weird how it’s mentioned all the damn time, i swear it wasn’t like this or was I just not aware as I am now? Is it because i’m finishing uni soon and that’s the next step for a lot of people (not me) but I know marriage does be for so many people.. idk
I’d definitely feel the same way if I wasn’t married, because when I was dating rarely did I hear about marriage. But don’t forget, we are all at that age now where everyone is taking that next step.
It’s like when we all graduated around the same time. Well now we’re all getting married around the same time.
Try not to feel left behind, because when you end up trying to copy & emulate what other people have: you’ll just end up with a shittier version.
My opinions on my marriage has changed so much over the last couple of months. I’m in my early 20s and there were people around me like the women in my family advising me to get married young. The more I read your responses and blogs it has really changed my perspective. I feel like us girls that are in our early 20s should just live life, work, get our money up and focus on ourselves, our deen and travelling. Of course marriage is important but that should not be a big focus; ignore the pressure from elders and other women. Also, I’m now open to getting to know guys outside of my ethnicity because at the end of the day a man being Muslim is the most important thing. Ofcourse parents blessing is okay but having a man that respects you, follows the deen and provides is also important. I would advice girls to look outside the box in terms of ethnicity. Look just don’t settle is all I’m saying. Sorry I’m just ranting but I’ve just realised my perspective has changed over the months. Your blog has helped me so much and your responses so please keep it up ❤️❤️
I agree!!
And thank you!
So things keep going left in life, like i’m genuinely trying to stay strong and trying to overcome obstacles but i’m holding on by a thread. I’ve had some pretty serious obstacles hit me i.e. finances, university (i study an intense course which i feel like i’m never good enough to do well in) my health issues, relationships, issues, family illnesses, anxiety, traumas from the past haunting back. I know i have to bear patience and connect to Allah, that I have to be secure in Allah’s tawakuul, i try to be positive I always try to keep a smile and be positive to others, I know i need to keep going but when alone i’m so broken, I just cry myself to sleep and sometimes I just want to give up the good fight.
I know you are a hopeful person Allahuma Barik, how do you keep your hope solid? how do you deal with mental health worries, what are some of your healthy coping mechanisms? And finally How do you personally keep afloat when life throws you some of it’s hardest obstacles and battles?
Also, most importantly, Allah reward and protect you in alll that you ever do. May he spread light into all aspects of your life! You really are the big sis we never had 🥰🥰
I’m so sorry to hear that, May Allah grant you sabr during this difficult time in your life.
Before you continue, don’t think for a second that me or anyone else does not experience hardships in life. Me particularly, my coping mechanisms are far from healthy, its just a flight or fight response. Those decisions are rarely made from a place of comfort but more for my self preservation. I probably only ever considered therapy, maybe last year? Anything else before that I was just barebacking life.
My mentality has only ever been: just charge it to the game. It is so unhealthy, but it is the only way I get through any hardships. Literally gritting my teeth and just doing it. And when it gets bad BAD, I’ll probably either isolate myself, comfort eat or have a completely strict dieting/workout routine. It’s all over the place, but to me its better than having any other vices. I can do all of that but you still won’t hear a peep from me. When I complain too much, to me anyway, I feel like I’ve already lost.
And the only reason why I found a coping mechanism (no matter how unhealthy it was) – was honestly because I know people genuinely don’t care. Everyone, rightfully so, is consumed with their own lives, so you really just have yourself. Even when it comes to family, at some point – even they themselves don’t have the means to make you and your mental health the centre of their lives anymore.
I learnt very quickly not to wait for someone to save me – I’d rather just go through what I need to go through with the hopes that it would get better. And wallahi if I’m being completely honest: I saw my situation change very quickly when I did this instead of looking for people around me to alleviate my hardship.
Also, I think this is what has strengthened my faith in illahi. Before maybe 13, everyone in my family described me as impatient and that I was babied in the family (I was the youngest for a very long time). Eventually, when I no longer became the centre of everyone’s attention – I was forced to learn how to look after myself mentally and emotionally. Now, no matter how close you are to me – the only being I could ever ask for help 100% of the time is illahi. It’s made me so hopeful and I’m content that this is my only coping mechanism. If I believe nothing will ever get better, I’d just be depressed and nothing will ever change. That goes for everything. My education, work, family or anything that stresses me out. It has to get better otherwise I’ll lose it. And the only being who can promise me that, is our creator.
If I keep asking myself “why me?” –I’d just feel like a victim. Me keeping faith is genuinely the only thing that makes me feel like I’m in control and is the only thing that will encourage me to actively make steps that could improve my situation. Remember, you must tie your camel and make dua that illahi will keep it safe for you.
Another thing is, as muslim we are taught to say alhamdulilah for everything. Often times, we don’t look at what we DO have – and that makes us feel like we have nothing. But in fact, illahi has blessed you in so many other ways that its easier to forget. Saying Alhamdulilah gives you perspective. It gives us a better understanding and greater empathy.
Just think about it, google how being thankful can change your attitude towards everyday struggle if you don’t believe me. A small thing like that can indirectly change your situation without you even realising.
Another thing is that your perspective needs to be balanced. Its easy for everyone to suddenly have perspective when you tell them to. But to acquire a balanced perspective, you yourself need to have knowledge of all the variables, alternatives, and possibilities that could happen. In other words, you basically need to imagine what could have life you had if illahi suddenly took things from you.
Bruv everyday I think about imagine if my parent’s didn’t flee Somalia, or if I didn’t move from a certain area (which in turn, allowed me to apply to a good school). Without all of this I’d be FINISHED. Everything I have now is a direct outcome from all these events that occurred in my life. It makes me scared how differently my life would have been if it never happened. Which is why regardless, I am still so grateful.
The only thing I can say to you is to just keep having faith
I’m so sorry to hear that, May Allah grant you sabr during this difficult time in your life.
Before you continue, don’t think for a second that me or anyone else does not experience hardships in life. Me particularly, my coping mechanisms are far from healthy, its just a flight or fight response. Those decisions are rarely made from a place of comfort but more for my self preservation. I probably only ever considered therapy, maybe last year? Anything else before that I was just barebacking life.
My mentality has only ever been: just charge it to the game. It is so unhealthy, but it is the only way I get through any hardships. Literally gritting my teeth and just doing it. And when it gets bad BAD, I’ll probably either isolate myself, comfort eat or have a completely strict dieting/workout routine. It’s all over the place, but to me its better than having any other vices. I can do all of that but you still won’t hear a peep from me. When I complain too much, to me anyway, I feel like I’ve already lost.
And the only reason why I found a coping mechanism (no matter how unhealthy it was) – was honestly because I know people genuinely don’t care. Everyone, rightfully so, is consumed with their own lives, so you really just have yourself. Even when it comes to family, at some point – even they themselves don’t have the means to make you and your mental health the centre of their lives anymore.
I learnt very quickly not to wait for someone to save me – I’d rather just go through what I need to go through with the hopes that it would get better. And wallahi if I’m being completely honest: I saw my situation change very quickly when I did this instead of looking for people around me to alleviate my hardship.
Also, I think this is what has strengthened my faith in illahi. Before maybe 13, everyone in my family described me as impatient and that I was babied in the family (I was the youngest for a very long time). Eventually, when I no longer became the centre of everyone’s attention – I was forced to learn how to look after myself mentally and emotionally. Now, no matter how close you are to me – the only being I could ever ask for help 100% of the time is illahi. It’s made me so hopeful and I’m content that this is my only coping mechanism. If I believe nothing will ever get better, I’d just be depressed and nothing will ever change. That goes for everything. My education, work, family or anything that stresses me out. It has to get better otherwise I’ll lose it. And the only being who can promise me that, is our creator.
If I keep asking myself “why me?” –I’d just feel like a victim. Me keeping faith is genuinely the only thing that makes me feel like I’m in control and is the only thing that will encourage me to actively make steps that could improve my situation. Remember, you must tie your camel and make dua that illahi will keep it safe for you.
Another thing is, as muslim we are taught to say alhamdulilah for everything. Often times, we don’t look at what we DO have – and that makes us feel like we have nothing. But in fact, illahi has blessed you in so many other ways that its easier to forget. Saying Alhamdulilah gives you perspective. It gives us a better understanding and greater empathy.
Just think about it, google how being thankful can change your attitude towards everyday struggle if you don’t believe me. A small thing like that can indirectly change your situation without you even realising.
Another thing is that your perspective needs to be balanced. Its easy for everyone to suddenly have perspective when you tell them to. But to acquire a balanced perspective, you yourself need to have knowledge of all the variables, alternatives, and possibilities that could happen.
In other words, you basically need to imagine what life could have been had illahi suddenly took things from you.
Bruv everyday I think about imagine if my parent’s didn’t flee Somalia, or if I didn’t move from a certain area (which in turn, allowed me to apply to a good school). Without all of this I’d be FINISHED. Everything I have now is a direct outcome from all these events that occurred in my life. It makes me scared how differently my life would have been if it never happened. Which is why regardless, I am still so grateful.
The only thing I can say to you is to just keep having faith
Am I being ungrateful or have I allowed social media gift sharing get to my head?
Hi sis.
Me and my husband have been married for little under a year however when I married him he never gave me the impression that he was broke. He had his own business he was running and although it was not the most successful business move he still made some money from it.
Fast forward to nearly a year later and his financial situation has gotten a lot worse. He pays the house bills and rent but sometimes can fall short and I recently found out his family have been helping him pay these bills (am I bad to feel embarrassed at this?).
It was recently both of our birthdays and I gifted him things that he really loved and adored as I had done my research but when it came to me he literally gifted me something so small that was under £20. Now I’m always one to scream “it’s the thought that counts” but I can’t even begin to express how angry the gift he got me made me feel. Every time I remember I just think how can he be so shit at giving gifts yet you see other men who are so well versed at gifting their wife’s here on social media.
Please let me know if I’m being ungrateful or have a right to be upset over something you’d gift your teenage girlfriend and not your wife on her birthday.
Well of course his financial situation has gotten worse.
When he was buying you gifts, he was living at his mums house, rent free. He could afford to buy you all the nice things because he didn’t have to pay rent.
Now, shit has changed.
He is literally and figuratively putting a roof over your head, and that shit is expensive. Don’t be embarrassed his family are helping him! Mashallah that he has family who can help him out, do you know how many young people would love that??
I wanna cuss you out looool but wallahi I understand how you’d feel this way.
When you see people getting gifts, or being excessively spoiled by their partner – its easy to be like to your man: wtf are you doing for me? This is why I genuinely think social media is problematic. It can make you start looking at a good situation very differently. It doesn’t even have to be about your relationship so to speak, but across the board. People who have good careers still feel like they’re behind.
You just need to put your focus on at what he IS doing. Do you pay rent? Do you financially contribute to the household?
No you don’t.
Listen even if you’re doing well earning 6 figures a year, you are not going to be able to live like these celebrities you see buying their Mrs Birkin bags every year. Especially when you live in the UK. Shit is expensive! Why do you think people are leaving this country?? People who earn 6 figures a year pay almost 45% in taxes. Half their pay check goes to the tax man!
Whilst social media might not ruin relationships directly, it will create problems especially if you just keep comparing yourself to other people. How many times have we heard people taking out loans just to appear as image gang? Stop comparing yourself to people.
Relationships have to stand on their own and not in comparison to others. If you don’t g check yourself now, wallahi you’ll never be happy and you could ruin a good relationship.
Asc ladies
I’m a 26yr old somali female going on 27. Being the eldest, I’ve felt the pressure to exceed and look after my family etc and alhamdulilah I’ve been doing just that, whilst at the same time taking care of my needs ie save etc
My dilemma is I bring home a little over 3k a month after tax and I can’t complain it gets me by, my bills are paid on time and I manage to go on holiday at least twice a year.
My dilemma is, I feel like crap all the time. I work really hard and although I’m grateful for my job, twitter never fails to constantly remind me that I’m not doing enough. I’m even considering going into Tech (despite not having a clue about it) just so I can feel accomplished and earn something a bit more “decent” as my friends would say.
All my girlies are in tech and although I’m happy for them they constantly try to “bring” me in and don’t even stop and ask me if I actually like my job etc.
Now I’m just sat here, re-evaluating my life, should I be doing more? Shall I listen to my friends and peddle into the tech world? Or should I keep doing what I do and not let social media or my girls get in my ear?
Thank you for taking the time out to read this ladies ❤️
BABY GIRL!!
YOU MAKE 3K A MONTH.
STOP THERE!
YOU
MAKE
3 THOUSAND A MONTH
You are literally one of the top earners in the UK as a young person.
Forget about twitter, everyone on there are liars.
Let me just say quickly but a lot of these people who are earning 6 figures in tech, its really reserved for seniors or people who have been in the field for a long time. I’m talking at least 6 years experience. I’d be really surprised if someone said they didn’t have 6 years experience but was still making 6 figures. I’d acc think you’re a liar.
Anyway the point is, don’t watch these people. You are doing so well allahumabarik, say alhamdulilah Allah swt has given you the means to pay all your bills whilst still being able to enjoy yourself.
Twitter aint real! Wallahi it’s a deception, people who are doing good still feel like they’re so behind. People who are on 6 figures still feel like they’re behind!
We are all rats spinning on a wheel, once we’ve achieved something – we’re still looking for something else.
You’re comparing your behind the scenes footage with a stranger’s highlight reels. People are only showing you their successes, not their struggles. You don’t know what they did in order to get to where they are.
If Dubai porta potty has shown us anything its that people we looked up to, can get their money from ANYWHERE and we would never know.
Recently anyway, I’ve felt for a long time I’m gonna get rid of social media at some point, not because I feel behind but because it invites a lot of negativity. Everyone is complaining about something, you won’t think it affects you now until you realise you’re becoming more nit-picky about things and are willing to argue about anything. Also you can’t talk about things without inviting negative feedback. Wallahi it really is a nasty place. I feel like as soon as I have kids or have a certain lifestyle, the first thing I’m getting rid of is twitter.
Instagram is cool tho
I feel like I’m in such a rut with school and work I don’t have the motivation I used to I used to be such an academic person who thrived off academic validation but I’m in my second year uni and I’m so unsure of my major I took this semester off and my parents don’t even know. I also left my city and went to another city for 2 weeks where all my close cousins live I don’t have sisters so they are basically my sisters and we are all so close and a few friends live there as well and I felt like my best self there they even told me to stay and move my schooling and work there but I was afraid what my parents would say. I got back to my hometown and literally feel depressed I don’t go out with the people here like I used to and just sleep all day. I was literally crying all day today thinking about how I felt when I was there compared to here. Any advice Would be appreciated
Motivation is not what you’re looking for, it’s discipline.
Listen we have all been there.
The only thing that got me through times where I’ve seemingly lost motivation, is what I would feel like if I haven’t done it.
I’ll give you an example. When I was watching youtube videos about people who had a similar thyroid condition as me, they kept talking about how much they had to change their lifestyle in order to feel better. They basc said “either I do it and feel shit but eventually theres going to be successful, or not make the sacrifrices and still feel like shit without any hopes of it getting better.”
And its fucking true. It’s like losing weight, what would you rather? Be overweight and happy or being overweight being unhappy working out & dieting but atleast know in a few months you’re going to have the body you want??
Either way you’re gonna be happy, might as well do something that will change your situation in the future.
Just Do It. When you say “waiting for motivation” what you’re effectively saying is you’re “waiting ‘til you feel like doing it” — This isn’t going to happen. You can’t wait until you like revising or you’re in the mood for it. Instead, you force yourself to do it and bear the discomfort. When you bear this discomfort multiple times in any endeavour, you find that it becomes less uncomfortable and easier to do— at the very least you stop dreading it. This is discipline.
Don’t want to do it? Do it.
You’ll find that discipline is a skill that is transferrable across the entirety of your life. Once learned, it’ll help you with something else entirely.
So bear that pain and discomfort. You’ll be stronger for it.
Asc beautiful hope you’re in the best of health &imaan in sha Allah♥️
Firstly I’d just like to say thank you so so much for this page, honestly angel I don’t think you understand how much it really has helped not only for me but for sure so many other girls out there!!
I haven’t really got a dilemma but I’ve noticed some of the answers you give you speak about how your husband was towards you before marriage and how he is now and honestly Allahuma barik!! may Allah bless you both and protect you from all evil ameen.
My question when you first got together how did you guys meet? <3
This makes me so happy! This is exactly what I wanted this website to do, bring us all together and feel like we have a little safe place. Ameen ameen!
And I’m sure I said it before but we met on a day neither of us were meant to go out. I had stopped talking to a really close friends so I wanted to stay at home all day, but was forced to go out and he was only out for his friends event. I met him on my way home
I’ve decided I don’t want a wedding and just a nikkah but I also wanna celebrate with my closest and I haven’t figured out a way to incorporate both because Somali weddings in the nikkah the bride stays home. I am defo getting dressed up and doing a pre shoot but I don’t want to plan a get together in the evening for the ladies only because the stress and planning will be the same but on a smaller scale with less ppl. I still don’t know how I want it. All I know is I want to be stressed as little as possible, enjoy my photo shoot and have a fab time abroad. How did you make your nikkah so you felt you were a part of it.
The photoshoot and wedding dinner made me feel like I was apart of the celebration. Even being able to get ready, having hair and make up & watching the official nikkah from facetime, that all made me feel like I was part of it.
Especially having my bridal shower a few days before.
Of course having a BIG wedding will make it feel like its your day, but its also about all the other small things you have before then. Then henna day, going to a hammam, preparing for married life. When your in laws come to your house asking for your hand, which is actually much more scary than the wedding day.
Weddings get too much PR, its literally last for a few hours whereas the preparations feel like YEARS.
When is the correct time to tell your mehr price?
The moment you start talking about marriage.
It shouldn’t be an awkward conversation to have, just say me and my parents expect so and so.
I believe its best to do it early, so there is no confusion later. Because you risk making your partner feel as if its not necessary to give it to you, ultimately leaving you with nothing.
You are so incredibly articulate, Allahumma barik! The way you write is so concise and impactful, have you always been able to write so well or is it something you’ve strengthened in recent years? And would you say it’s a result of reading books (and if so, have you been a reader since childhood or more recently)? I’m currently in second year uni but still quite insecure about my essay writing and would love to know any tips you have to be a more confident writer. And also what method of revision you’ve found works best for you. Thank you in advance! x
Awww thank you sis that is actually a really nice compliment haha
And honestly my kindle helped me a lot, my dad got me one when I used to struggle in English back in year 8. That single handedly changed how I even formulated sentences in my head. I was going through at least 2 books a week from year 8 to end of year 11. As I continued to read, I subconsciously stopped using slang too which helped big time.
In year 12 though was when I really really learned how to articulate myself vocally. A Levels kicked my ass and the only thing that motivated me was watching ted talks on youtube. I’ve at least watched 70% of that channel. It won’t teach you vocabulary, but it will give you a sense of how words sound when stringed together. And it helped me to slow down when I was speaking to people.
All of that combined especially helped me in university when I was writing essays, because then you know how to make a point succinctly and how to get that across to whoever is marking it.
In terms of revising, the best method arguably has to be the repetition method. Your brain basically memorises the work for you, even if you unintentionally are not trying to. When you go past something everyday, test yourself on it, go back again the next day, test yourself on it – after a few days its stored in your brain.
Even some topics I used to make a song about theorists and what their teachings were for my exam, and to this day I haven’t forgotten it