If you can’t get married the sunnah is to fast to curb your desires.
You need to know that you’re doing great already by realising this could potentially be a problem later in life. This feel is natural, you just need to find ways of converting that energy into something more beneficial for you.
If you know marriage is the only thing that will make you happy, work towards it. Have your ducks in a row, make sure you’re educated and financially stable before thinking about getting to know someone. Because then the process will probably go a lot more smoother for you.
Be careful though, because you don’t want to get married to just anybody.
Anon
2 years ago
I fell out with my friend group in my early 20’s, and I understand how it was my fault and their fault too. It has caused me a lot of hurt and shame as I feel that I do not have a friend group anymore. Couple years later I have slowly made new genuine friends, yet I worry to tell them about my old friends in case they may look at me differently and not want to be my friend anymore. Am I loser?
Then don’t tell them, you genuinely can just keep this to yourself and move on. And you are right, they probably will look at you differently.
You’re in a new environment now, enjoy it. Don’t ruin it by bringing up things that have no relevance
Anon
2 years ago
Hey sis, I don’t know if this is a question or just rambling. I am a non somali married to a somali man. He is the best partner and I wouldn’t have it any other way, we have been together 5 years now. Our relationship has had its ups and downs like any other, but it has been an amazing 5 years. We were blessed with a daughter this year Alhamdulillah and she has brought so much joy to us. Now this here is my problem, his family is really cold towards me, and I didn’t have a problem with this and have tried to avoid them best way i can but now that we have a baby, I grieve for the relationship she will not have with her dad’s side of the family. I don’t want her to be isolated and would have liked her to have a relationship with that side of the family. My husband is supportive and says that they will come around but I don’t see it happening. I also feel bad for my husband because he has had had to delicately balance his family’s hostility and my vulnerability. I know he is trying to put up a brave face for me but I know that sometimes he is hurting and it just breaks my heart. What should I do in such a situation?
Look.
At the end of the day, these people are just your in-laws. It’s time to change expectations. You have to meet people where they are: they don’t want to know you, they don’t want to text, they don’t want to hang out, they don’t want to talk.
You have your own little family: you, your husband and your child. As much as you want to have a relationship with your in-laws, you genuinely don’t have to. They clearly haven’t warmed up to you after 5 years, I doubt they are going to now. And you will just end up straining your relationship forcing your husband to sort it out.
They will never like you, accept it and move on. I’m being so firm with you only because you will genuinely cause so much hostility in your marriage if you keep talking about it. Just see it from his perspective. Do you know how hard it must be to be in the middle, and constantly hearing about beef from both ends?? Let that man rest. You guys got your family, protect your peace at all cost.
If your husband wants his family to be in his children’s life, he has to go that extra mile. That is HIS responsibility. Same way it’s your responsibility to make sure theres a relationship between your family and your kids.
Anon
2 years ago
Salam brother here. I have searched around online for answers to a matter that has been troubling me for a few months but more spiritually over the last few days. So my question is…is it halal to think about a married woman you are in love with? I have accepted it was qadr when it happened and i would like to think i have moved on but i know some people may not think that is the case regarding my actions. I think about the future and the past and how i Got here
I wouldn’t say its haram especially if you haven’t acted on these thoughts
But to be fair with you, having these feelings isn’t unusual. I mean I can see where you’re coming from. You had high hopes for sharing your life and future with someone, and that the two of you would do everything in your power to assure your mutual happiness. The fact that you were unable to realise your dreams still bothers you and is something you continuously think about. I get it
The only advice I can give you Islamically is that you have to learn to embrace all of life’s possibilities and trust in illahi’s plan to provide you with something better.
I’ve never been in this situation and honestly, I can’t even imagine what that must feel like. Especially when it comes to your love. I can’t say it’s going to feel better for you, especially when it boils down to your frustrations on not actualising exactly what it is you wanted for yourself.
I for one though can say, as time goes on, you actually realise you’re a lot more happier with how things have turned out. And if given the option, you would very well probably choose to keep doing what you are doing rather than change the past (this was me). You might not realise it now, but maybe illahi is protecting you from some things. And whatever is in the future, is going to make you the most happy.
This is the mindset you should have. You should accept the reality which is that you will never marry this woman and pray to God he will provide you with a better wife. After you’ve done that, force yourself to move on.
Anon
2 years ago
How do I go about craving male attention?? It sounds so pathetic I knowwww. Little backstory, I always use to think I was good looking ( a few years back ) but I’m 21 and I started realizing that I’ve NEVER been pursued by a man so my self esteem has been hit so hard. I’m scared I’ll end up with the first man that gives me an ounce of attention whether he’s good or bad. I know this thought process is bad but I don’t know how to stop being so desperate. I need some tough love sis 🙁
The more options you have, the less excited you’ll get over one person (who is probably not even that great)
Come on now
Anon
2 years ago
Heey qurux!
Firstly I’d like to absolutely say I love what you do on this page, I truly enjoy seeing you love and enjoy helping others without having to give yourself up tooo much.
Moving on to my dilemma. I am not really the shiest person however I have a problem with expressing myself to my other half, like how do I tell my him I miss him even though I seen him two days ago and want to see him more than I am right now, I feel like I’m being clingy and needy but I’m not always like this, sometimes I feel like I need more attention and affection than other times but I don’t know how to articulate it without feeling like I’m suffocating him.
Writing it out here feels different to actually saying it to him. Idk if this makes any sense to you😭
The best thing you can do is to look up love languages, think about what his love language is.
But generally, just show transparency and be honest with him. Always look for situations to take advantage of that will make your relationship more exciting. Look for the best parts of him that you see and encourage those behaviors.
Just make him feel like what he does for you is well received and worth it. Men just want to make us girls feel loved and cared for. Like it’s nice to know that their efforts are working. Just don’t be ungrateful
Also, try to listen to him, even if it’s something you’re not that interested in. Watch the same TV shows he does and talk to him about it.
Anon
2 years ago
Hi, i wanted to get this got of me.
I love this guy and i know it’s haram. We don’t talk and all (sometimes we do). He is a good guy, religious and everything is great about him but i often feel like. It’s about his life. He just sees me a part of his life. It’s not about us. I don’t feel me when I’m talking to him. I feel like it’s him and I’m jus a part that he needs to complete his life. I don’t know how to explain it but i just feel this. N he doesn’t listen my opinion or anything as if whatever I say Is wrong. I get it .he is stubborn but i feel like he views women as weak n not to be listened to.
I’ve this gut feeling that something isn’t right. idk if this is my overthinking or reality.
I used to cry in tajahud to ask for his hands but i no longer do it. I feel bad for myself. He loves me so much and here I can’t even make a dua.
Your body and spirit is literally telling you this man isn’t for you.
Listen to it
Anon
2 years ago
My parents continuously fight, with each other, with me and my two brothers, I just don’t know what to do anymore, sometimes I think marriage is the only escape. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents with every part of me but lately it’s been emotionally exhausting, I can’t even have a conversation with my mother without her lashing out. I don’t know how to deal with it and every time I try to talk about it, it turns into a bigger fight.
Try to be out a lot in general. The less time spent at home the better. When you are home engage with them as little as possible. Silence is normally a good place to start. But afterwards, make strategic career and financial choices prioritizing job security and salary adequate for self support. Especially if shit decides to hit the fan.
Reasoning with family honestly doesn’t do much until you eventually move out, so for now, find a coping mechanism that will hold you down
Anon
2 years ago
Hi!
I’m speaking to this guy & we’re very good alhamduilahi, and are almost about to get married. But I’m so nervous, because I’m so insecure about my body, I have stretch marks like all over my body, and I’ve been conflicted. I’ve tried to find the right time to tell him, but I just chicken out every time. I feel like I should tell him but not at the same time. But the thought of him being grossed out when he sees my body is killing me. What to do!?
Body insecurities cannot exist in a healthy marriage. That is meant to be your safe place. As long as you hold onto the idea that your weight is tied to your self-worth, that being fat is “bad,” and that you can’t be happy until your body fits some ideal that may never exist, you’re not going to find acceptance, and you’ll never be in an entirely safe marriage.
It sounds easy to say in hindsight but wallahi, I had the exact same fears as you. But everyone who I knew got married told me the same thing.
MEN DON’T CARE
Anon
2 years ago
Hi Lula,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while and we are planning to get married soon. My dad has found out about us and he was adamant about us being married as soon as he didn’t like the whole boyfriend / girlfriend thing due to deen. He is also a bit on the fence about it as he thinks it will interfere with my career and he knows I’m totally focused on it and my boyfriend knows too. It’s a bit awkward knowing my dad knows I’m with someone also.
It sounds scary at first, particularly when telling your dad that you want to get married, but its honestly not that deep.
Maybe tell your parents you want to complete half of your deen, start with being more mature, maybe get a job and work on your emotional intelligence – then he can’t argue with you. But most importantly, he’ll know deep down you’re ready to get married.
Just be firm with your decision and inshallah it’ll go easy for you.
Alsalamu alaikum hun, hope you’re well
I was flicking through some dilemmas and thought let me ask my own.
In simple terms, my sex drive is so high.
As a young single muslim woman, this is such a taboo topic, and idk who to speak to it about.
I genuinely feel getting married is the only way to protect myself from haram.
My question is
How do I deal with this in the meantime without doing haram?
If you can’t get married the sunnah is to fast to curb your desires.
You need to know that you’re doing great already by realising this could potentially be a problem later in life. This feel is natural, you just need to find ways of converting that energy into something more beneficial for you.
If you know marriage is the only thing that will make you happy, work towards it. Have your ducks in a row, make sure you’re educated and financially stable before thinking about getting to know someone. Because then the process will probably go a lot more smoother for you.
Be careful though, because you don’t want to get married to just anybody.
I fell out with my friend group in my early 20’s, and I understand how it was my fault and their fault too. It has caused me a lot of hurt and shame as I feel that I do not have a friend group anymore. Couple years later I have slowly made new genuine friends, yet I worry to tell them about my old friends in case they may look at me differently and not want to be my friend anymore. Am I loser?
Then don’t tell them, you genuinely can just keep this to yourself and move on. And you are right, they probably will look at you differently.
You’re in a new environment now, enjoy it. Don’t ruin it by bringing up things that have no relevance
Hey sis, I don’t know if this is a question or just rambling. I am a non somali married to a somali man. He is the best partner and I wouldn’t have it any other way, we have been together 5 years now. Our relationship has had its ups and downs like any other, but it has been an amazing 5 years. We were blessed with a daughter this year Alhamdulillah and she has brought so much joy to us. Now this here is my problem, his family is really cold towards me, and I didn’t have a problem with this and have tried to avoid them best way i can but now that we have a baby, I grieve for the relationship she will not have with her dad’s side of the family. I don’t want her to be isolated and would have liked her to have a relationship with that side of the family. My husband is supportive and says that they will come around but I don’t see it happening. I also feel bad for my husband because he has had had to delicately balance his family’s hostility and my vulnerability. I know he is trying to put up a brave face for me but I know that sometimes he is hurting and it just breaks my heart. What should I do in such a situation?
Look.
At the end of the day, these people are just your in-laws. It’s time to change expectations. You have to meet people where they are: they don’t want to know you, they don’t want to text, they don’t want to hang out, they don’t want to talk.
You have your own little family: you, your husband and your child. As much as you want to have a relationship with your in-laws, you genuinely don’t have to. They clearly haven’t warmed up to you after 5 years, I doubt they are going to now. And you will just end up straining your relationship forcing your husband to sort it out.
They will never like you, accept it and move on. I’m being so firm with you only because you will genuinely cause so much hostility in your marriage if you keep talking about it. Just see it from his perspective. Do you know how hard it must be to be in the middle, and constantly hearing about beef from both ends?? Let that man rest. You guys got your family, protect your peace at all cost.
If your husband wants his family to be in his children’s life, he has to go that extra mile. That is HIS responsibility. Same way it’s your responsibility to make sure theres a relationship between your family and your kids.
Salam brother here. I have searched around online for answers to a matter that has been troubling me for a few months but more spiritually over the last few days. So my question is…is it halal to think about a married woman you are in love with? I have accepted it was qadr when it happened and i would like to think i have moved on but i know some people may not think that is the case regarding my actions. I think about the future and the past and how i Got here
I wouldn’t say its haram especially if you haven’t acted on these thoughts
But to be fair with you, having these feelings isn’t unusual. I mean I can see where you’re coming from. You had high hopes for sharing your life and future with someone, and that the two of you would do everything in your power to assure your mutual happiness. The fact that you were unable to realise your dreams still bothers you and is something you continuously think about. I get it
The only advice I can give you Islamically is that you have to learn to embrace all of life’s possibilities and trust in illahi’s plan to provide you with something better.
I’ve never been in this situation and honestly, I can’t even imagine what that must feel like. Especially when it comes to your love. I can’t say it’s going to feel better for you, especially when it boils down to your frustrations on not actualising exactly what it is you wanted for yourself.
I for one though can say, as time goes on, you actually realise you’re a lot more happier with how things have turned out. And if given the option, you would very well probably choose to keep doing what you are doing rather than change the past (this was me). You might not realise it now, but maybe illahi is protecting you from some things. And whatever is in the future, is going to make you the most happy.
This is the mindset you should have. You should accept the reality which is that you will never marry this woman and pray to God he will provide you with a better wife. After you’ve done that, force yourself to move on.
How do I go about craving male attention?? It sounds so pathetic I knowwww. Little backstory, I always use to think I was good looking ( a few years back ) but I’m 21 and I started realizing that I’ve NEVER been pursued by a man so my self esteem has been hit so hard. I’m scared I’ll end up with the first man that gives me an ounce of attention whether he’s good or bad. I know this thought process is bad but I don’t know how to stop being so desperate. I need some tough love sis 🙁
Start talking to more people.
The more options you have, the less excited you’ll get over one person (who is probably not even that great)
Come on now
Heey qurux!
Firstly I’d like to absolutely say I love what you do on this page, I truly enjoy seeing you love and enjoy helping others without having to give yourself up tooo much.
Moving on to my dilemma. I am not really the shiest person however I have a problem with expressing myself to my other half, like how do I tell my him I miss him even though I seen him two days ago and want to see him more than I am right now, I feel like I’m being clingy and needy but I’m not always like this, sometimes I feel like I need more attention and affection than other times but I don’t know how to articulate it without feeling like I’m suffocating him.
Writing it out here feels different to actually saying it to him. Idk if this makes any sense to you😭
The best thing you can do is to look up love languages, think about what his love language is.
But generally, just show transparency and be honest with him. Always look for situations to take advantage of that will make your relationship more exciting. Look for the best parts of him that you see and encourage those behaviors.
Just make him feel like what he does for you is well received and worth it. Men just want to make us girls feel loved and cared for. Like it’s nice to know that their efforts are working. Just don’t be ungrateful
Also, try to listen to him, even if it’s something you’re not that interested in. Watch the same TV shows he does and talk to him about it.
Hi, i wanted to get this got of me.
I love this guy and i know it’s haram. We don’t talk and all (sometimes we do). He is a good guy, religious and everything is great about him but i often feel like. It’s about his life. He just sees me a part of his life. It’s not about us. I don’t feel me when I’m talking to him. I feel like it’s him and I’m jus a part that he needs to complete his life. I don’t know how to explain it but i just feel this. N he doesn’t listen my opinion or anything as if whatever I say Is wrong. I get it .he is stubborn but i feel like he views women as weak n not to be listened to.
I’ve this gut feeling that something isn’t right. idk if this is my overthinking or reality.
I used to cry in tajahud to ask for his hands but i no longer do it. I feel bad for myself. He loves me so much and here I can’t even make a dua.
Your body and spirit is literally telling you this man isn’t for you.
Listen to it
My parents continuously fight, with each other, with me and my two brothers, I just don’t know what to do anymore, sometimes I think marriage is the only escape. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents with every part of me but lately it’s been emotionally exhausting, I can’t even have a conversation with my mother without her lashing out. I don’t know how to deal with it and every time I try to talk about it, it turns into a bigger fight.
Try to be out a lot in general. The less time spent at home the better. When you are home engage with them as little as possible. Silence is normally a good place to start. But afterwards, make strategic career and financial choices prioritizing job security and salary adequate for self support. Especially if shit decides to hit the fan.
Reasoning with family honestly doesn’t do much until you eventually move out, so for now, find a coping mechanism that will hold you down
Hi!
I’m speaking to this guy & we’re very good alhamduilahi, and are almost about to get married. But I’m so nervous, because I’m so insecure about my body, I have stretch marks like all over my body, and I’ve been conflicted. I’ve tried to find the right time to tell him, but I just chicken out every time. I feel like I should tell him but not at the same time. But the thought of him being grossed out when he sees my body is killing me. What to do!?
Look, I’m gonna be honest with you.
Body insecurities cannot exist in a healthy marriage. That is meant to be your safe place. As long as you hold onto the idea that your weight is tied to your self-worth, that being fat is “bad,” and that you can’t be happy until your body fits some ideal that may never exist, you’re not going to find acceptance, and you’ll never be in an entirely safe marriage.
It sounds easy to say in hindsight but wallahi, I had the exact same fears as you. But everyone who I knew got married told me the same thing.
MEN DON’T CARE
Hi Lula,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while and we are planning to get married soon. My dad has found out about us and he was adamant about us being married as soon as he didn’t like the whole boyfriend / girlfriend thing due to deen. He is also a bit on the fence about it as he thinks it will interfere with my career and he knows I’m totally focused on it and my boyfriend knows too. It’s a bit awkward knowing my dad knows I’m with someone also.
It sounds scary at first, particularly when telling your dad that you want to get married, but its honestly not that deep.
Maybe tell your parents you want to complete half of your deen, start with being more mature, maybe get a job and work on your emotional intelligence – then he can’t argue with you. But most importantly, he’ll know deep down you’re ready to get married.
Just be firm with your decision and inshallah it’ll go easy for you.