Assalamu Alaikum
I go on reddit all the time and I just want to say thank you for having something similar because i feel like this is a much safer place to get opinions from the sister community
I want start by saying we're a couple who jumped into marriage at the ages of 23 (that's me, the wife) and 29 (my husband), thanks to an arranged marriage setup. I'm reaching out because we've hit a bit of a rough patch and could use some friendly advice.
The thing is, he spends most of his time playing games and hanging out with his friends. It feels like he's living a bachelor's life while I'm left to pick up the slack and pay for half of everything. I've tried talking to him about sharing responsibilities, but it just falls on deaf ears.
To make matters worse, his hygiene leaves a lot to be desired, and it's starting to affect our intimacy. One day, he asked to be intimate, and I responded quite harshly, telling him that I no longer find him attractive. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but my frustration got the best of me.
What's challenging about this situation is that, despite him being older than me, I often feel like I'm the more mature one in our relationship. I've been reflecting on whether I rushed into this marriage due to the arranged marriage setup, and now I'm not sure if I want to continue down this path.
I'm at a crossroads, unsure of how to navigate these issues and whether our marriage is salvageable. Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated as I try to find clarity and decide what's best for my future.
Because of the nature of arranged marriages, i feel like its very hard esp on the women to clearly define your expectations and boundaries within the marriage. I'm ngl, you have to discuss responsibilities, intimacy and make sure both of you are on the same page about what you want from the relationship. Depending on his response, then you do whatever you got to do.
@lula but she said she doesn't find him attractive anymore. I don't think the attraction can be salvaged
@afiasis but I think that’s to do with the fact he hasn’t kept up his hygiene no? I don’t think she meant his physical appearance
@afiasis I do find him attractive babe it's just when he doesn't look after himself. Sometimes i even have to remind him to brush his teeth
@k-ahmed I’m sorry but that’s literally basic hygiene if you have to force him to do that Idk how you can stay unless you can accept it
Either he's got issues he's internalising and this is the result or he's too comfortable now you are married and might feel like he doesn't have to make the effort to stay clean and presentable. Which ever it is, its a problem. You need to get to the root of it and have a serious chat with him. If he's too comfortable then he needs to know you won't tolerate it sis otherwise he won't stop
@sara190 I agree. He’s far too comfortable, but then again - someone can only do that if they think the other person will allow it. Self reflection is necessary!!
@sara190 i think this is the main problem i'm having. After the first 2 months of marriage it's like he got way too comfortable
He only grew up with brothers 🤢 it makes sense looking back
The age gap 😶 someone who is almost 30 shouldnt need to be told to keep themselves clean
Walaykoum asalaam. Sister maybe you haven’t mentioned this in the post but have you addressed your complaints seriously? If you have consistently complained and asked him to change and he hasn’t, then by all means you have the right to not want to stay stuck in this cycle of a marriage. But if you haven’t sincerely addressed your concerns about everything, although of course he should know better as well especially with hygiene, then maybe you have both neglected communicating each other’s needs as we’re not mind readers and it does take effort to show up and appreciate each other. If you truly feel in your heart of hearts the relationship will not improve or go anywhere, then be sincere about that and address that with him. Do not be afraid to speak up for your rights.
Maybe some time away at your parents house for a break might help as well. It’s easy to feel frustrated and suffocated at home when things are not going well.
@qamar If i'm completely honest I don't think i have really taken the complaints seriously. I kinda avoid confrontation especially when I think it's going to lead to a big argument or silent treatment. Inshallah girls im going to try to communicate this to him on the weekend so we both have time to sort things out
@k-ahmed Inshallah sis. Try to come from an area of concern and that you genuinely want to fix things rather than combative or argumentative - I always recommend doing this outside of the house because sometimes negative feelings and overfamiliarity of the home can make it harder to be grounded and rational. Try not to see it as being confrontational but more of a touching base to mend your relationship. Inshallah khayr you got this 😊