Heyy girl,
I’m 27 and I don’t think I have any talking stages left in me.
I’m honestly tired, I try to ask all the important questions at the beginning as I want to establish common grounds but all these guys want to do is drag meaningless conversations…and when I do bring up marriage stuff/future goals I get ghosted or dumped over text the next day lol- (tbh I think it’s a blessing in disguise.) I feel like the men who say that they’re ready for marriage really aren’t, and in reality are just lonely.
Do you think there’s something I could change though? I don’t know how to go about asking these questions without it sounding like an interview but also I want to keep it halal and not waste my time.
Sis, if a stranger after a few days started talking about marriage to you, would you not be weirded out?
You can’t immediately think you’re in a committed relationship after a few conversations with a man. Talking about marriage and children early on in a talking stage is exactly why the guys you’re chatting to are running for the hills. I get you have your own time frame of when you want to get married, but so do other people. And your time frame might not be there time frame.
Don’t even think about how many of your boxes a man checks for a good while. Best to not even think of your boxes at all and just approach these conversations of any sort of him in a platonic light more than anything. Afterwards, then see what happens. Men are not like women, they can’t be rushed into doing anything they don’t want to do out of guilt.
Anon
1 year ago
I’ve been speaking to a guy for 3.5 years now. He lives in a different city (still in the UK) so we don’t see each other often & the majority of our interactions are via socials/messages/calls. Months into us speaking, he kept talking about marriage and even asked for my dad’s number. However, years later, he’s gotten way too comfortable and he says he’s now not looking to get married for at least another few more years. Recently he’s been really dismissive of me whenever I try to support him, which has pushed me away. He tells me he loves me all the time but never actually tells me or shows me how he feels beyond that. His immediate response to any small disagreement is to give me the silent treatment for a week+ then come back like nothing happened. At this point, I feel like I’m just holding on to that old him from a few years ago who promised me marriage. I’m really content with where I am in my life and I have curved so many guys out of respect for him but I have doubts now about whether this is actually my fate. As I am looking to learn more about my deen, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about my interactions with him and how long this has gone on. I had never given another guy a chance before him so it’s hard to let go but I don’t know what to do…
The man has checked out. He is doing this thing where he wants to break up with you but he’s too much of a coward to do it. So he’s mistreating you, withholding communication from you – hoping you’ll be the one to end things. But you’re still not getting it.
Men who sell you the dream try to lull you into a false sense of confidence in the prospect of a future together by telling you all the things you might want to hear. This man will tell you that he’s really into you, he’s seriously looking for a woman that he can build a future with and start a family with. He’ll tell you that you’re the type of woman he can see himself marrying, that he can tell you would be a great mother and wife. I think you still believe THAT was the real him and whatever he is saying now isn’t who he really is. WRONG.
The person you’re chasing doesn’t belong to you. Your feelings are not big enough for the two of you. Trust me, he won’t catch up to how you feel and return it.
Take things at face value. This means when he doesn’t call, it’s because the doesn’t want to speak with you. When you don’t hear from them for weeks, it’s not because you did something wrong It’s because you are not in a relationship. Whilst you’re daydreaming your life away, they’re out there living theirs. I’m sorry.
If you spend your time, energy, effort and emotion wanting people that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at a standstill. Go where you are wanted.
Anon
1 year ago
How would you advise girls in their 30s and still unmarried? I focused on my education and wasn’t in any haram relationship. but I have friends who did all those things and are now married. It makes me question everything and not have faith in Allah. Am I not pretty enough? Is my personality the problem?
The guys who approached me just want to sleep with me but not marry. Yet they find someone quick and marry within their community. It makes me feel unwanted and not valued. I know I’m picky but I haven’t found my match. I just want to be in love and have someone who feels the same.
Ah I see what your issues might be
.
I think first you need to change your attitude. ASAP.
“Focused on my education and wasn’t in any haram relationship nor did I have make friends but those who did all that are now married.”
– This is probably why you’re single. Because you assume that you’re better than the average individual, and therefore deserve more than what they do. You’re entitled.
– No, you do not deserve to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship is not a constitutional right. Is something that you have to work for. Surely some do more than others but in either case it requires at least some effort.
– Second, I see that you realised that life is not fair. Good for you. Remember, life is NOT fair. It never was.
This is why things like this is called a superiority complex because its something your egos resorts to in order to protect you because you possibly have low self-esteem. And it’s probably to do with the fact you’re in your 30’s and haven’t gotten the thing you thought you deserved.
So you compare yourselves to your friends who you think you’re more deserving than, and it comes from a place of inferiority. In other words, people who think they’re better than others are trying to hide behind the fact that they’re fundamentally suffering from feeling bad about themselves
I also perhaps think you’re being tested by your own ego, and you’re questioning illahi because deep down you didn’t really do things for the sake of Allah swt. Until you learn to accept everyone has a different path in life, maybe then the things will happen for you
What I would suggest is that you take an honest look and stock of yourself. We all can improve on ourselves in order to at least try get what we want. You should try to do that. What do you need to do to get to what you want? And what is feasible and doable and what is not and go from there.
Anon
1 year ago
I had my Nikkah in March and found out in august that my husband had been cheating the whole time. He was sleeping with others while we prepared to marry each other and kept on talking to them post Nikkah. Our relationship was very much me carrying him, he didn’t have a job, a license or car and I had to provide financially most times and I always drove him around. Since finding out I separated from him and we are on the verge of a divorce. He’s said he is changing and has started praying, goes to work, has booked his driving test etc. He’s begged and cried to me. He cheated on me with more than 10 different girls. What do I do?
“He cheated on me with more than 10 different girls. What do I do?”
I’m scared for you. Seriously. This prick literally didn’t add anything to your life, was more of a burden as opposed to an equal and you overlooked it. And now on top of that!! He takes it to a whole other level by cheating on you with 10 different gyal and you’re still not sure what to do?
My gosh.
Don’t turn a 6 month marriage into a 10 year HELL. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on. He’s not worth the time and effort of trying to repair something that he obviously wasn’t invested in. Do you really want to be in a marriage looking over your shoulder waiting to see when it happens again?? There’s a reason you found out. When he decided to cheat on you with 10 different women he obviously didn’t care enough to cover his tracks.
My advice: Divorce him immediately, delete his number. In fact tell him if he keeps reaching out to you, you’ll tell his entire family how he dishonoured his marriage by stepping out of it multiple times. Tell your mum of course, so she can support you whilst coming back home. I would advise you to only share the intricacies of your marriage with your mum and perhaps a therapist only. I know you should be able to share and vent to people but things like this quickly become a situation where only the ex-wife gets shamed for it, whilst the man gets to walk away scot free. Don’t let them use you for entertainment.
Anon
1 year ago
I tend to get attached very easy when dating guys and I’m not sure why honestly but I feel like it’s getting out of hand because I do want to get married and the pressure of so many of my friends and family getting married it’s giving me anxiety especially because I don’t feel like I’m that desired I’m only 21 and I’m not sure how to get out of this
Sis I think this has a lot to do with the fact you want very badly what I guest, most people all for crave. When your in a relationship you get to be seen, to be safe, to be loved, valued and cared about.
But here’s the thing, when these needs haven’t been met in the past – maybe because you didn’t experience love and healthy relationships while growing up, or you faced repeated rejection in your romantic life, or you’ve been through emotional abuse and felt unworthy – it can leave you feeling incredibly parched and desperate for these things.
So, when you receive any form of attention, no matter how small or casual, your mind might interpret it as a sign of affection because you’re so badly yearning for it. It’s like trying to fill a deep void caused by every inch of loneliness you’ve felt in your life.
This is where it gets really dangerous and I feel like I constantly reiterate on there that people need to check themselves otherwise you will end up settling for breadcrumbs.
Because maybe one day you meet someone and he starts show you basic decency (not even exceptionally well), you force yourself to gravitate towards them and form attachments. You might even mistake politeness or friendliness for affection or, at times even love.
Honesty… I think desperation is the best way to summarize this mindset. The result of which almost always is that you either end up in relationships with people who are not good for you and don’t treat you well since all you cared about was some attention – good or bad – or you end up chasing after people who will inevitably reject you since they were never interested in you in the first place, which then further leads to you feeling isolated and even more parched for love.
It then becomes a vicious cycle of desperation → clingy behaviour/reading into something that isn’t there → more rejection → more desperation → even more clingy behaviour/reading into something that isn’t there → even MORE rejection etc.
I really want Nimo to give advice on this part because this is actually something she always used to say to me and my sisters when we were younger. Basically it is easy to not become attached to a single person if you adopt the “abundance mentality”. You need to have the attitude that there will always be more. AND MORE. AND MORE. If you spoke to a very beautiful man today, trust and believe there are many more out there that you can talk to. By adjusting to this type of mindset, it is easy to not slip into a sort of obsession over specific people.
My dear if you want to stop getting attached to guys so quickly, then you have to live a type of reality that allows you to feel like you have many options. The more options you have, the less likely it is for you to obsess over one.
You are 21, young, hopefully educated. Men are not going anywhere! You can pick and choose whatever the hell you want.Your young enough to have several opportunities to meet other people. But you’ll bottle it if you don’t work on your insecurities and continue presenting yourself as someone who knows they are punching whenever they meet a guy.
Your outside reflects how you feel about yourself on the inside. The better you present yourself, the better you end up feeling about yourself. So get a new wardrobe, wear make up that naturally enhances your face instead of caking it up. Do things that help you to not slip into this type of cause-and-effect in your life. Work on your personality, learn how to be bubbly. Looks aren’t the only things that’s important, yes they are the first thing that helps someone take notice of you but like lulu said there are many beautiful people out there. Personality is what draws ppl to you
Anon
1 year ago
Hey sis , so I have come to the realization I feel like I watch people way to much and I’m always comparing myself to others and it’s given me so much anxiety especially because I’ve become such a judgemental person and I never used to me like this , I take things so personal and I’m so incredibly insecure, so I have decided to become normal me again pre pandemic and try be happy alone and take time offf social media and focus on myself goals but I’m finding it so difficult especially with socials it’s like I’m addicted to seeing ex friends socials and seeing what their up to and just procrastinate with my own life , any tips to fix this and how I can become better
You know what, wallahi you’ve already done the first step by being honest with yourself – despite how mad it sounds saying it out loud.
And you have to get real about why you’re doing this. My best bet is that this is self-sabotage, you’ve become your own obstacle to success. You half-heartedly set goals, knowing that you’re so deep in your insecurities that you won’t go for it anyway. You’re just saying to yourself you have goals because it sounds good to hear. And it’s usually because you feel like you don’t really deserve success, subconsciously or consciously. I feel like people like this eventually just end up working against themselves by procrastinating, quitting, setting the bar too high or aiming for perfection. In short, they’re setting themselves up for failure from the start. Once they fail, they convince themselves that they weren’t capable of achieving their dreams in the first place, starting off a vicious feedback loop. The unfortunate aspect is that many aren’t aware of their destructive behavioural patterns.
So instead of getting to where you want to be, you resort to watching others, trying to see back to old friends, hoping a little bit that they don’t reach their goals.
What it just means is that you like your idea of the destination but not the journey to it. The only way you’ll get the things you want without having to put in the work is if you win the lottery. Or have the top 0.00001% beauty where you can marry rich. Otherwise years from now you’ll be in the exact same place you were writing this in.
Advice? Chasing your dreams so to speak actually requires realistic planning and setting the right expectations. Chalk out ‘how’ you can achieve your dream, break to smaller components so on and so forth – start to work for it immediately. Only then it is possible to achieve goals which seems impossible at first.
Think – Ok so, what do I have to do achieve this target? How can it be achievable? Take a timeline say 1–2 years and chalk out a rough plan, then for your current month – what are the activities to be finished? Then at last, plan tomorrow and stick to what you planned. Master having discipline.
Anon
1 year ago
Salaam sis, i have a brother who it seems is incapable of thinking for himself. Any topic, big or small, most of his views are taken from others. Whether that be social media or something he heard at the shisha lounge and generally any idea which is received well by others, he’ll go along with it because of the popularity of a particular position on any given subject. This relates to things as minor as football or bigger subjects like religion or the state of the world and relationships too. What’s your advice or take on this and what would you put his approach down to?
Look. A younger sibling needs to know that you will hear them, no matter how badly they screw up. Then ask if s/he needed for someone to hear what they had to say, or if they want your advise in how to fix it. Only offer advice if you are asked for advice.
If you don’t want him to be a sheep, encourage him to develop his own interests. Facilitate an environment where if he wants to do something, you’ll look into it. Things like that can eventually help him to be his own person and not someone that just follows whatever their friends are doing
Anon
1 year ago
Omg you’re backkkk!!! ❤️
I’ve been with my man for 2 years we’re getting married however we have two completely different mindsets which causes us to clash sometimes
He was born and raised back home so he has trad values instilled in him he’s hard headed wants a certain type of wife etc etc whereas I was born and raised here very westernised highly educated etc. our views on certain topics causes us to clash cause of our opinions. We love each other and have planned our future however sometimes I just get so frustrated like be open minded? He slightly is but not as much as I’d like him too.
His opinions fluctuate and changes his mind later which is annoying and this is making me think am I gonna be happy in the long term?
There’s so many reasons why differences can be SUCH a huge problem especially in a marriage.
If “very different” includes multiple mutually incompatible goals in life, then it’s not a good idea to get together. Why? Because one either becomes an obstacle for the other and vice-versa, or one has to adapt which is always hard to do.
Another thing is if “very different” includes completely different ways to enjoy life, again it’s probably not a good idea because one’s way to happiness is the other one’s way to being miserable. There’s only so much time in life to spend together and have common experiences, which is what makes relationships hold. If instead it goes spent mostly on individual experiences, the two basically grow apart and lose reciprocal interest.
But the worst one, and I think this applies to you guys but basc If “very different” in regards to values in life and how you’ll raise your children etc then strong feelings of love will not save you, and staying together will cause you to wear away at each other until neither of you are the people you want to be.
Anon
1 year ago
Hi!! I’m so glad the sister verse is back!!
I’d like to ask for some advice.
So I’m in my early 20s I’ve never been in a relationship or even a proper talking stage tbh. I have very low confidence and self esteem about basically everything about me so I don’t really like putting myself out there. Even though most of the time I’m content with being single but sometimes I worry when I see all my friends have their romantic Interests and being pursued and I just feel a bit behind and embarrassed but I’m always very happy for them.
The truth is I don’t really think I trust myself to be in a relationships because I think so low of myself, I don’t think I deserve the best. And I worry that I’ll end up settling for shitty treatment because I don’t believe i can do any better and I hate that I think that of myself, I want to be able to think and believe that I deserve to be happy and everything good that comes in a relationship.
So what I’m asking is how do I work on my self confidence and learn to love myself so I can convince myself that I deserve the best and nothing less.
You should do things that make you happy, work on yourself in a way that feels good. Working out, eating well, trying new things. Addressing the traits in yourself that you don’t like, and molding them towards where you want them to be. These will all boost your confidence, will attract others, and will generally move you in a happier direction. I promise.
What I can tell you though is even if you have a genuine reason to be hung up on the fact you’ve never been in a relationship before, that bitterness is one of those emotions that subconsciously seeps into virtually every aspect of the way you manifest yourself in reality. Anybody that interacts with you can pick up on your resentment even if you think you’re hiding it.
I however believe that what you aim at determines what you see. Work on yourself to a point where you have an aim, even one you think is small or dumb or whatever it just needs to be a genuine and achievable one, it’ll drive you forward and help with whatever feelings you have about yourself. As this happens the way you present to the world will change and the way you interact with people will change, this will in turn change the way they interact with you
Anon
1 year ago
Hey,
I’ve recently figured out I’m not a vocal person.
I’ve always been like this…
However when it comes to Romantic relationships I’m starting to see it being a problem.
A lot of people I’ve dated have all had love languages of words of affirmations…
And because I lacked in that department they always second guess how I really feel about them.
I come across as such a vocal/ confident person but talking about emotions and feelings is such a struggle.
Simply because as an individual it takes me forever to even register emotion let alone say it outloud
How do you think I should over come this?
Thanks x
You know, sometimes it’s really tough for people to share their feelings with others. Because inside us, we are still little children afraid of being hurt, invalidated, unaccepted or abandoned. All that shit.
I find that those people can mostly agree that instead of getting the support and understanding they need when they do open up, they end up facing criticism and judgment from others. Instead of a listening ear and empathy, they get lectures and judgment.
Another reason is because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing something or someone. Fear is the only thing that stops us from expressing ourselves.
The only advice is can give you is just surround yourself with people that make you comfortable to open up. When it comes to dating, only go for men that are good listeners, that are emotionally intelligent etc. That way eventually with time you’ll get comfortable.
Heyy girl,
I’m 27 and I don’t think I have any talking stages left in me.
I’m honestly tired, I try to ask all the important questions at the beginning as I want to establish common grounds but all these guys want to do is drag meaningless conversations…and when I do bring up marriage stuff/future goals I get ghosted or dumped over text the next day lol- (tbh I think it’s a blessing in disguise.) I feel like the men who say that they’re ready for marriage really aren’t, and in reality are just lonely.
Do you think there’s something I could change though? I don’t know how to go about asking these questions without it sounding like an interview but also I want to keep it halal and not waste my time.
Sis, if a stranger after a few days started talking about marriage to you, would you not be weirded out?
You can’t immediately think you’re in a committed relationship after a few conversations with a man. Talking about marriage and children early on in a talking stage is exactly why the guys you’re chatting to are running for the hills. I get you have your own time frame of when you want to get married, but so do other people. And your time frame might not be there time frame.
Don’t even think about how many of your boxes a man checks for a good while. Best to not even think of your boxes at all and just approach these conversations of any sort of him in a platonic light more than anything. Afterwards, then see what happens. Men are not like women, they can’t be rushed into doing anything they don’t want to do out of guilt.
I’ve been speaking to a guy for 3.5 years now. He lives in a different city (still in the UK) so we don’t see each other often & the majority of our interactions are via socials/messages/calls. Months into us speaking, he kept talking about marriage and even asked for my dad’s number. However, years later, he’s gotten way too comfortable and he says he’s now not looking to get married for at least another few more years. Recently he’s been really dismissive of me whenever I try to support him, which has pushed me away. He tells me he loves me all the time but never actually tells me or shows me how he feels beyond that. His immediate response to any small disagreement is to give me the silent treatment for a week+ then come back like nothing happened. At this point, I feel like I’m just holding on to that old him from a few years ago who promised me marriage. I’m really content with where I am in my life and I have curved so many guys out of respect for him but I have doubts now about whether this is actually my fate. As I am looking to learn more about my deen, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about my interactions with him and how long this has gone on. I had never given another guy a chance before him so it’s hard to let go but I don’t know what to do…
The man has checked out. He is doing this thing where he wants to break up with you but he’s too much of a coward to do it. So he’s mistreating you, withholding communication from you – hoping you’ll be the one to end things. But you’re still not getting it.
Men who sell you the dream try to lull you into a false sense of confidence in the prospect of a future together by telling you all the things you might want to hear. This man will tell you that he’s really into you, he’s seriously looking for a woman that he can build a future with and start a family with. He’ll tell you that you’re the type of woman he can see himself marrying, that he can tell you would be a great mother and wife. I think you still believe THAT was the real him and whatever he is saying now isn’t who he really is. WRONG.
The person you’re chasing doesn’t belong to you. Your feelings are not big enough for the two of you. Trust me, he won’t catch up to how you feel and return it.
Take things at face value. This means when he doesn’t call, it’s because the doesn’t want to speak with you. When you don’t hear from them for weeks, it’s not because you did something wrong It’s because you are not in a relationship. Whilst you’re daydreaming your life away, they’re out there living theirs. I’m sorry.
If you spend your time, energy, effort and emotion wanting people that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at a standstill. Go where you are wanted.
How would you advise girls in their 30s and still unmarried? I focused on my education and wasn’t in any haram relationship. but I have friends who did all those things and are now married. It makes me question everything and not have faith in Allah. Am I not pretty enough? Is my personality the problem?
The guys who approached me just want to sleep with me but not marry. Yet they find someone quick and marry within their community. It makes me feel unwanted and not valued. I know I’m picky but I haven’t found my match. I just want to be in love and have someone who feels the same.
Ah I see what your issues might be
.
I think first you need to change your attitude. ASAP.
“Focused on my education and wasn’t in any haram relationship nor did I have make friends but those who did all that are now married.”
– This is probably why you’re single. Because you assume that you’re better than the average individual, and therefore deserve more than what they do. You’re entitled.
– No, you do not deserve to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship is not a constitutional right. Is something that you have to work for. Surely some do more than others but in either case it requires at least some effort.
– Second, I see that you realised that life is not fair. Good for you. Remember, life is NOT fair. It never was.
This is why things like this is called a superiority complex because its something your egos resorts to in order to protect you because you possibly have low self-esteem. And it’s probably to do with the fact you’re in your 30’s and haven’t gotten the thing you thought you deserved.
So you compare yourselves to your friends who you think you’re more deserving than, and it comes from a place of inferiority. In other words, people who think they’re better than others are trying to hide behind the fact that they’re fundamentally suffering from feeling bad about themselves
I also perhaps think you’re being tested by your own ego, and you’re questioning illahi because deep down you didn’t really do things for the sake of Allah swt. Until you learn to accept everyone has a different path in life, maybe then the things will happen for you
What I would suggest is that you take an honest look and stock of yourself. We all can improve on ourselves in order to at least try get what we want. You should try to do that. What do you need to do to get to what you want? And what is feasible and doable and what is not and go from there.
I had my Nikkah in March and found out in august that my husband had been cheating the whole time. He was sleeping with others while we prepared to marry each other and kept on talking to them post Nikkah. Our relationship was very much me carrying him, he didn’t have a job, a license or car and I had to provide financially most times and I always drove him around. Since finding out I separated from him and we are on the verge of a divorce. He’s said he is changing and has started praying, goes to work, has booked his driving test etc. He’s begged and cried to me. He cheated on me with more than 10 different girls. What do I do?
“He cheated on me with more than 10 different girls. What do I do?”
I’m scared for you. Seriously. This prick literally didn’t add anything to your life, was more of a burden as opposed to an equal and you overlooked it. And now on top of that!! He takes it to a whole other level by cheating on you with 10 different gyal and you’re still not sure what to do?
My gosh.
Don’t turn a 6 month marriage into a 10 year HELL. Pick up the pieces of your life and move on. He’s not worth the time and effort of trying to repair something that he obviously wasn’t invested in. Do you really want to be in a marriage looking over your shoulder waiting to see when it happens again?? There’s a reason you found out. When he decided to cheat on you with 10 different women he obviously didn’t care enough to cover his tracks.
My advice: Divorce him immediately, delete his number. In fact tell him if he keeps reaching out to you, you’ll tell his entire family how he dishonoured his marriage by stepping out of it multiple times. Tell your mum of course, so she can support you whilst coming back home. I would advise you to only share the intricacies of your marriage with your mum and perhaps a therapist only. I know you should be able to share and vent to people but things like this quickly become a situation where only the ex-wife gets shamed for it, whilst the man gets to walk away scot free. Don’t let them use you for entertainment.
I tend to get attached very easy when dating guys and I’m not sure why honestly but I feel like it’s getting out of hand because I do want to get married and the pressure of so many of my friends and family getting married it’s giving me anxiety especially because I don’t feel like I’m that desired I’m only 21 and I’m not sure how to get out of this
Sis I think this has a lot to do with the fact you want very badly what I guest, most people all for crave. When your in a relationship you get to be seen, to be safe, to be loved, valued and cared about.
But here’s the thing, when these needs haven’t been met in the past – maybe because you didn’t experience love and healthy relationships while growing up, or you faced repeated rejection in your romantic life, or you’ve been through emotional abuse and felt unworthy – it can leave you feeling incredibly parched and desperate for these things.
So, when you receive any form of attention, no matter how small or casual, your mind might interpret it as a sign of affection because you’re so badly yearning for it. It’s like trying to fill a deep void caused by every inch of loneliness you’ve felt in your life.
This is where it gets really dangerous and I feel like I constantly reiterate on there that people need to check themselves otherwise you will end up settling for breadcrumbs.
Because maybe one day you meet someone and he starts show you basic decency (not even exceptionally well), you force yourself to gravitate towards them and form attachments. You might even mistake politeness or friendliness for affection or, at times even love.
Honesty… I think desperation is the best way to summarize this mindset. The result of which almost always is that you either end up in relationships with people who are not good for you and don’t treat you well since all you cared about was some attention – good or bad – or you end up chasing after people who will inevitably reject you since they were never interested in you in the first place, which then further leads to you feeling isolated and even more parched for love.
It then becomes a vicious cycle of desperation → clingy behaviour/reading into something that isn’t there → more rejection → more desperation → even more clingy behaviour/reading into something that isn’t there → even MORE rejection etc.
I really want Nimo to give advice on this part because this is actually something she always used to say to me and my sisters when we were younger. Basically it is easy to not become attached to a single person if you adopt the “abundance mentality”. You need to have the attitude that there will always be more. AND MORE. AND MORE. If you spoke to a very beautiful man today, trust and believe there are many more out there that you can talk to. By adjusting to this type of mindset, it is easy to not slip into a sort of obsession over specific people.
My dear if you want to stop getting attached to guys so quickly, then you have to live a type of reality that allows you to feel like you have many options. The more options you have, the less likely it is for you to obsess over one.
You are 21, young, hopefully educated. Men are not going anywhere! You can pick and choose whatever the hell you want.Your young enough to have several opportunities to meet other people. But you’ll bottle it if you don’t work on your insecurities and continue presenting yourself as someone who knows they are punching whenever they meet a guy.
Your outside reflects how you feel about yourself on the inside. The better you present yourself, the better you end up feeling about yourself. So get a new wardrobe, wear make up that naturally enhances your face instead of caking it up. Do things that help you to not slip into this type of cause-and-effect in your life. Work on your personality, learn how to be bubbly. Looks aren’t the only things that’s important, yes they are the first thing that helps someone take notice of you but like lulu said there are many beautiful people out there. Personality is what draws ppl to you
Hey sis , so I have come to the realization I feel like I watch people way to much and I’m always comparing myself to others and it’s given me so much anxiety especially because I’ve become such a judgemental person and I never used to me like this , I take things so personal and I’m so incredibly insecure, so I have decided to become normal me again pre pandemic and try be happy alone and take time offf social media and focus on myself goals but I’m finding it so difficult especially with socials it’s like I’m addicted to seeing ex friends socials and seeing what their up to and just procrastinate with my own life , any tips to fix this and how I can become better
You know what, wallahi you’ve already done the first step by being honest with yourself – despite how mad it sounds saying it out loud.
And you have to get real about why you’re doing this. My best bet is that this is self-sabotage, you’ve become your own obstacle to success. You half-heartedly set goals, knowing that you’re so deep in your insecurities that you won’t go for it anyway. You’re just saying to yourself you have goals because it sounds good to hear. And it’s usually because you feel like you don’t really deserve success, subconsciously or consciously. I feel like people like this eventually just end up working against themselves by procrastinating, quitting, setting the bar too high or aiming for perfection. In short, they’re setting themselves up for failure from the start. Once they fail, they convince themselves that they weren’t capable of achieving their dreams in the first place, starting off a vicious feedback loop. The unfortunate aspect is that many aren’t aware of their destructive behavioural patterns.
So instead of getting to where you want to be, you resort to watching others, trying to see back to old friends, hoping a little bit that they don’t reach their goals.
What it just means is that you like your idea of the destination but not the journey to it. The only way you’ll get the things you want without having to put in the work is if you win the lottery. Or have the top 0.00001% beauty where you can marry rich. Otherwise years from now you’ll be in the exact same place you were writing this in.
Advice? Chasing your dreams so to speak actually requires realistic planning and setting the right expectations. Chalk out ‘how’ you can achieve your dream, break to smaller components so on and so forth – start to work for it immediately. Only then it is possible to achieve goals which seems impossible at first.
Think – Ok so, what do I have to do achieve this target? How can it be achievable? Take a timeline say 1–2 years and chalk out a rough plan, then for your current month – what are the activities to be finished? Then at last, plan tomorrow and stick to what you planned. Master having discipline.
Salaam sis, i have a brother who it seems is incapable of thinking for himself. Any topic, big or small, most of his views are taken from others. Whether that be social media or something he heard at the shisha lounge and generally any idea which is received well by others, he’ll go along with it because of the popularity of a particular position on any given subject. This relates to things as minor as football or bigger subjects like religion or the state of the world and relationships too. What’s your advice or take on this and what would you put his approach down to?
Look. A younger sibling needs to know that you will hear them, no matter how badly they screw up. Then ask if s/he needed for someone to hear what they had to say, or if they want your advise in how to fix it. Only offer advice if you are asked for advice.
If you don’t want him to be a sheep, encourage him to develop his own interests. Facilitate an environment where if he wants to do something, you’ll look into it. Things like that can eventually help him to be his own person and not someone that just follows whatever their friends are doing
Omg you’re backkkk!!! ❤️
I’ve been with my man for 2 years we’re getting married however we have two completely different mindsets which causes us to clash sometimes
He was born and raised back home so he has trad values instilled in him he’s hard headed wants a certain type of wife etc etc whereas I was born and raised here very westernised highly educated etc. our views on certain topics causes us to clash cause of our opinions. We love each other and have planned our future however sometimes I just get so frustrated like be open minded? He slightly is but not as much as I’d like him too.
His opinions fluctuate and changes his mind later which is annoying and this is making me think am I gonna be happy in the long term?
There’s so many reasons why differences can be SUCH a huge problem especially in a marriage.
If “very different” includes multiple mutually incompatible goals in life, then it’s not a good idea to get together. Why? Because one either becomes an obstacle for the other and vice-versa, or one has to adapt which is always hard to do.
Another thing is if “very different” includes completely different ways to enjoy life, again it’s probably not a good idea because one’s way to happiness is the other one’s way to being miserable. There’s only so much time in life to spend together and have common experiences, which is what makes relationships hold. If instead it goes spent mostly on individual experiences, the two basically grow apart and lose reciprocal interest.
But the worst one, and I think this applies to you guys but basc If “very different” in regards to values in life and how you’ll raise your children etc then strong feelings of love will not save you, and staying together will cause you to wear away at each other until neither of you are the people you want to be.
Hi!! I’m so glad the sister verse is back!!
I’d like to ask for some advice.
So I’m in my early 20s I’ve never been in a relationship or even a proper talking stage tbh. I have very low confidence and self esteem about basically everything about me so I don’t really like putting myself out there. Even though most of the time I’m content with being single but sometimes I worry when I see all my friends have their romantic Interests and being pursued and I just feel a bit behind and embarrassed but I’m always very happy for them.
The truth is I don’t really think I trust myself to be in a relationships because I think so low of myself, I don’t think I deserve the best. And I worry that I’ll end up settling for shitty treatment because I don’t believe i can do any better and I hate that I think that of myself, I want to be able to think and believe that I deserve to be happy and everything good that comes in a relationship.
So what I’m asking is how do I work on my self confidence and learn to love myself so I can convince myself that I deserve the best and nothing less.
Thank you!!
You should do things that make you happy, work on yourself in a way that feels good. Working out, eating well, trying new things. Addressing the traits in yourself that you don’t like, and molding them towards where you want them to be. These will all boost your confidence, will attract others, and will generally move you in a happier direction. I promise.
What I can tell you though is even if you have a genuine reason to be hung up on the fact you’ve never been in a relationship before, that bitterness is one of those emotions that subconsciously seeps into virtually every aspect of the way you manifest yourself in reality. Anybody that interacts with you can pick up on your resentment even if you think you’re hiding it.
I however believe that what you aim at determines what you see. Work on yourself to a point where you have an aim, even one you think is small or dumb or whatever it just needs to be a genuine and achievable one, it’ll drive you forward and help with whatever feelings you have about yourself. As this happens the way you present to the world will change and the way you interact with people will change, this will in turn change the way they interact with you
Hey,
I’ve recently figured out I’m not a vocal person.
I’ve always been like this…
However when it comes to Romantic relationships I’m starting to see it being a problem.
A lot of people I’ve dated have all had love languages of words of affirmations…
And because I lacked in that department they always second guess how I really feel about them.
I come across as such a vocal/ confident person but talking about emotions and feelings is such a struggle.
Simply because as an individual it takes me forever to even register emotion let alone say it outloud
How do you think I should over come this?
Thanks x
You know, sometimes it’s really tough for people to share their feelings with others. Because inside us, we are still little children afraid of being hurt, invalidated, unaccepted or abandoned. All that shit.
I find that those people can mostly agree that instead of getting the support and understanding they need when they do open up, they end up facing criticism and judgment from others. Instead of a listening ear and empathy, they get lectures and judgment.
Another reason is because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing something or someone. Fear is the only thing that stops us from expressing ourselves.
The only advice is can give you is just surround yourself with people that make you comfortable to open up. When it comes to dating, only go for men that are good listeners, that are emotionally intelligent etc. That way eventually with time you’ll get comfortable.