Hey sis, hope you are well. Soooo I have a dilemma… I visited Turkey last month and met a Somali guy there that I really liked and jelled with it. We both like each other and I find really attractive and we talk everyday since I came back…he is funny, he is really popular in turkey as he is one of the few malis that actually work there and atleast has some bread and his voice is really nice..however, he has fake teeth, he is a farax, doesn’t have passport. Is just KACSI that I’m feeling or should I end it because he said he has no desire to come over here and I don’t know if he is just doing some mind tricks on to for me to bring him I’ve there and for him to shit all over me later on. I mean I don’t even think he can afford my mehr. But I love him I think? What shall I do? Cut it off or just follow my heart and be with him
Speak to women who have gotten married to men who don’t live here. Please.
In a short summary: this is what your future could possibly look like (I am only saying this as firm as possible because I need you to understand what you are getting yourself into).
1) You are going to spend a fortune bringing him over here. And even after you have paid them so much, it will take you years for your application to even be accepted.
2) Oh yes, you also have to prove YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE ONE providing for him. You think you’re gonna be entitled to a council house? Not at all.
3) And when he gets here, you think he is going to be able to work and provide for you? Think again. My aunty has been here for over 7 years and she still isn’t allowed to work. Not sure why, but it’s just a super long and difficult process.
4) When you have now realised he can’t go to work. Who is the one going to provide for the house: you. Not only is it you paying rent, groceries, bills etc, you are going to pay for his quality of living too. Buying him clothes, electronics etc.
5) Even after you are okay with all of this. What are you guys going to do when you get pregnant, and want to start a family? Who is going to provide when you are unable to?
It is incredibly hard to have a decent life when all the odds are stacked against you. Why would you want that for yourself in the name of love? Is this even love, how can you be sure? Have you been with him long enough to know that you love him, and that he actually loves you? Regardless sis your self preservation should be worth more than that. I appreciate you are happy and want to be with him, but its just far too difficult. There’s so many people that are more accessible than this man is, and I think you should start looking elsewhere. That is just my honest opinion though.
Anon
3 years ago
Is it normal to think you are undesirable and not worthy of love because you can’t see what anyone will love about you?
It’s not normal to think that way. Its common, but it shouldn’t be normalised. How is any man ever going to love you when you don’t love yourself? Enough of the self-pitying and get into your own sauce. Find ways of making yourself feel good and commit to it. If it’s improving your sense of style, buying make up, getting fitter. Find something, and commit to it. Sometimes looks aren’t everything, sometimes it’s your confidence that first gets you through the door.
Ever heard of the not-so-attractive men always bagging the prettiest of girls? And you wonder to yourself HOW is that? Thats because they have the confidence, the charm and the personality! They are just too good to overlook. The way they move, you wouldn’t think they would have insecurities at all. The most attractive men usually have nothing to offer outside of their looks. And sometimes thats the case for the sexiest of girls too. Real attraction is within.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey hope ur well
Love ur advice sis mashalsh
I’m engaged to this guy and he’s perfect but like he makes me uncomfortable coz like he spoke about Intimacy saying it’s his right and I can’t deprive and I should sometimes initiate it like wth am so shy and embarrassed ans feel super disrespected I felt super upset acc cried after the phone call any advice
I would make it very clear that the excessive sex talk is bothering you. Especially if it is literally bringing you to tears. Plan a time where you are going to call him, go out for a walk whilst your on the phone to him and make it very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you’re not happy. You need to make sure he understands how you’re feeling, as it sounds like he isn’t taking your requests very seriously, be sure to let him know that this uncomfortable feeling you have is enough to scare you off.
Each couple is different with ‘sex talk’, and if we’re being honest, these shouldn’t even be a conversation before the nikkah. But I understand sometimes couples are too excited, but honestly minimise it or just stop all together, because you just get situations like this. If your partner is ever making you feel uncomfortable with the amount they talk about sex, then you have to tell them.
Anon
3 years ago
How do I stop comparing myself to other girls on social media
Stop following girls that don’t look like you or have the same body type as you. Follow people who have the same kind of look and style as you, or at the very least, the same body type as you. It reinforces your own body image and it does wonders to your confidence.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girl just wanted your two pence and your advice. I’ve been seeing this guys for about 5months great guy good job attractive pays for everything takes me out and also my family know of him aswell and thinks he’s a great guy. He said his intentions are to marry me and he hopes sometime mid next. Here’s the catch this guys communication when we’re not together is TERRIBLE like absolutely horrid. When we were together or on the phone great but other than that he’ll take forever and when I say ages he’ll take Hours when I say hours I mean 6+ hours sometimes to reply and sometimes it’s simple
Messages aswell. The last straw for
me is I sent him a message yesterday at 11 and he still hasn’t replied and it’s now 7 in the evening not even gonna lie I’m fuming.I think I’ve let it slide one to many times tbh
Im a pretty chill person and laid back but I just think he’s taking the piss now. I’m deffo gonna air when he does try call me don’t know how I should go about. Any advice. Thanks xx
Either he doesn’t like you, or he does like you. You need to communicate that this is bothering you. Either way, it’s best to nip it in the bud the next time you meet in person. Stuff like that is extremely annoying and it just kills the vibe.
Don’t feel like you have to be chill all the time to keep him happy with you. This to me is not okay. You gotta set standards for interactions.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey girl! I wanted to ask if you think you should ask your mehr upfront or let him pay some now and pay the rest when he has it?
You have to read the room. If they have the ability to give it to you upfront, then ask. If you see that they are struggling with the wedding cost etc, just say, you are okay with getting it after you guys get married. Have a conversation, provide good suggestions like giving it instalments etc.
Anon
3 years ago
Hey babe, my neighbour got married to a man who just wasn’t up to her standards, like he drinks and is so horrible to mum and his family and literally is so broke as well yet she still married him even though she’s literally a top top top girl. I was just wondering what’s the psychologically behind that and because a lot of girls do that and I honestly don’t want to be one of them.
Women must settle for the shit dynamic and lives that devalue self worth and agency because that’s what people teach them. The second you express your want for more, a good quality of life, they will shame you till kingdom come. And it’s not just men who shame you, its women too. Women who are unhappy themselves, will still encourage you to be married to these type of men. Why? Because they think being miserable is the standard for living. It is normal to be unhappy and that’s ‘just how it is’. But it’s not.
Also I don’t think Women advise each other enough. Especially the older community. They are more concerned with you finding a partner than actually stressing the importance of finding a good one. Someone with no balwads (addictions), someone who is good to their family etc, a good person overall. But no. None of that is important. You just need to find a man. Wallahi it is the most terrible advice you could give to women. I realise I often sound like I hate men, I actually don’t. I just hate the situations men put women in. When you think about it, how many girls who are now single mothers, divorcees (not that that means anything), would be better off had they been left alone and remained in their parent’s home? How many? These men take these women from the safety of their homes with no intention to give them better lives. They cause disruption and chaos, and most times, even after divorce, the ex wife is still struggling whilst her ex husband has since moved on.
I also think women need to start being accountable over their own lives. I have realised, when you ask people for help, most times- they don’t really want to help you. And the advice they give you has no urgency. It’s watered down, because they are not actually telling you what they would do if they were in your situation. So you have to start being accountable over your own life.
Sometimes this might be a bad thing, but I typically have quite a fatalist view on life. I realised this is a trauma response to things from my childhood, but if I am being totally honest, this is what makes me so responsible. My whole life I have been hyper responsible. I have never been nonchalant or thrown caution to the wind and just did whatever I wanted to do at that very moment. Everything I do, I have my future Lula in mind. Every decision is imperative and it contributes to what kind of quality of life I will have when I am older. And it has 100% contributed to any success I have ever had.
Women need to start being more accountable over their own lives. Be very cautious of the kind of men you are letting into your life. Because all it takes is one person to fuck up the trajectory of your life forever.
Anon
3 years ago
this may be a weird q but I know that if you are with a new man, telling him stories about how your ex did you wrong is a big no no buuuuttt would it be okay if i sort of ‘fabricated’ as in say that my ex got me these gifts and did all of this for me so that he delivers more😭😭😭
Yes and no haha. Be careful to not overdo it. Don’t make conversations about it, just say it in passing. I think that’s a good idea though. Because if any man has shame, he will want to set the bar so high, you won’t mention what an ex did ever again.
Anon
3 years ago
I feel like i’ve spoken to so many guys and none of them are anywhere near the standard of man I need (no ambition, lack emotional intelligence, bad character/morals etc). I’m 24 and starting to lose hope. Any advice?
Stop putting too much pressure on yourself to find somebody, otherwise men will just continue to disappoint you. They will all fail to meet your expectations.
Start off with defining what kind of man you want, and what circle they’d typically be in. There’s no point looking at a bad batch thinking one of them is gonna turn out good. So your better off scraping them all together, and actually go out into the places where your desired man would be in. Also, start looking within. If you want to attract a certain type of man, what could you possibly do to make them come to you?
Also 24 is really young, maybe the man you are waiting for is going to come at a certain period in your life where you are much older. And I always say, the older you are, the better calibre of men you are exposed to. Imagine the type of men at your disposal when you’re 28 and you have your own life together?
Anon
3 years ago
I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable in marriage because of sexual guilt from my previous relationships. I want to fall in love and have a princess ending however the fact I gave myself away to men I didn’t even love still haunts me. I have been celibate for 2 years and I pray to Allah to repent every day. I know Allah will forgive me but I don’t know if a man would.
Allah swt conceals your sins, and has given you the blessing of being able to conceal your sins yourself. You are actually advised not to tell anyone, anything. Exposing your sins, is sinful in itself. Why are you more concerned if a mere man is going to forgive you, when Allah swt is more merciful?
You also have to remember that Shaydaan is your biggest enemy and that he does all the little things to make you worry, regret, and just be in a state of constant anxiety all the time, instead getting yourself back on the right path. No man is ever going to find out about your sexual history unless you tell him. If you think he will notice, he won’t.
Don’t overthink too much about your past. Learn from it all and keep pushing forward.
Hey sis, hope you are well. Soooo I have a dilemma… I visited Turkey last month and met a Somali guy there that I really liked and jelled with it. We both like each other and I find really attractive and we talk everyday since I came back…he is funny, he is really popular in turkey as he is one of the few malis that actually work there and atleast has some bread and his voice is really nice..however, he has fake teeth, he is a farax, doesn’t have passport. Is just KACSI that I’m feeling or should I end it because he said he has no desire to come over here and I don’t know if he is just doing some mind tricks on to for me to bring him I’ve there and for him to shit all over me later on. I mean I don’t even think he can afford my mehr. But I love him I think? What shall I do? Cut it off or just follow my heart and be with him
Speak to women who have gotten married to men who don’t live here. Please.
In a short summary: this is what your future could possibly look like (I am only saying this as firm as possible because I need you to understand what you are getting yourself into).
1) You are going to spend a fortune bringing him over here. And even after you have paid them so much, it will take you years for your application to even be accepted.
2) Oh yes, you also have to prove YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE ONE providing for him. You think you’re gonna be entitled to a council house? Not at all.
3) And when he gets here, you think he is going to be able to work and provide for you? Think again. My aunty has been here for over 7 years and she still isn’t allowed to work. Not sure why, but it’s just a super long and difficult process.
4) When you have now realised he can’t go to work. Who is the one going to provide for the house: you. Not only is it you paying rent, groceries, bills etc, you are going to pay for his quality of living too. Buying him clothes, electronics etc.
5) Even after you are okay with all of this. What are you guys going to do when you get pregnant, and want to start a family? Who is going to provide when you are unable to?
It is incredibly hard to have a decent life when all the odds are stacked against you. Why would you want that for yourself in the name of love? Is this even love, how can you be sure? Have you been with him long enough to know that you love him, and that he actually loves you? Regardless sis your self preservation should be worth more than that. I appreciate you are happy and want to be with him, but its just far too difficult. There’s so many people that are more accessible than this man is, and I think you should start looking elsewhere. That is just my honest opinion though.
Is it normal to think you are undesirable and not worthy of love because you can’t see what anyone will love about you?
It’s not normal to think that way. Its common, but it shouldn’t be normalised. How is any man ever going to love you when you don’t love yourself? Enough of the self-pitying and get into your own sauce. Find ways of making yourself feel good and commit to it. If it’s improving your sense of style, buying make up, getting fitter. Find something, and commit to it. Sometimes looks aren’t everything, sometimes it’s your confidence that first gets you through the door.
Ever heard of the not-so-attractive men always bagging the prettiest of girls? And you wonder to yourself HOW is that? Thats because they have the confidence, the charm and the personality! They are just too good to overlook. The way they move, you wouldn’t think they would have insecurities at all. The most attractive men usually have nothing to offer outside of their looks. And sometimes thats the case for the sexiest of girls too. Real attraction is within.
Hey hope ur well
Love ur advice sis mashalsh
I’m engaged to this guy and he’s perfect but like he makes me uncomfortable coz like he spoke about Intimacy saying it’s his right and I can’t deprive and I should sometimes initiate it like wth am so shy and embarrassed ans feel super disrespected I felt super upset acc cried after the phone call any advice
I would make it very clear that the excessive sex talk is bothering you. Especially if it is literally bringing you to tears. Plan a time where you are going to call him, go out for a walk whilst your on the phone to him and make it very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you’re not happy. You need to make sure he understands how you’re feeling, as it sounds like he isn’t taking your requests very seriously, be sure to let him know that this uncomfortable feeling you have is enough to scare you off.
Each couple is different with ‘sex talk’, and if we’re being honest, these shouldn’t even be a conversation before the nikkah. But I understand sometimes couples are too excited, but honestly minimise it or just stop all together, because you just get situations like this. If your partner is ever making you feel uncomfortable with the amount they talk about sex, then you have to tell them.
How do I stop comparing myself to other girls on social media
Stop following girls that don’t look like you or have the same body type as you. Follow people who have the same kind of look and style as you, or at the very least, the same body type as you. It reinforces your own body image and it does wonders to your confidence.
Hey girl just wanted your two pence and your advice. I’ve been seeing this guys for about 5months great guy good job attractive pays for everything takes me out and also my family know of him aswell and thinks he’s a great guy. He said his intentions are to marry me and he hopes sometime mid next. Here’s the catch this guys communication when we’re not together is TERRIBLE like absolutely horrid. When we were together or on the phone great but other than that he’ll take forever and when I say ages he’ll take Hours when I say hours I mean 6+ hours sometimes to reply and sometimes it’s simple
Messages aswell. The last straw for
me is I sent him a message yesterday at 11 and he still hasn’t replied and it’s now 7 in the evening not even gonna lie I’m fuming.I think I’ve let it slide one to many times tbh
Im a pretty chill person and laid back but I just think he’s taking the piss now. I’m deffo gonna air when he does try call me don’t know how I should go about. Any advice. Thanks xx
Be directly upfront about it.
Either he doesn’t like you, or he does like you. You need to communicate that this is bothering you. Either way, it’s best to nip it in the bud the next time you meet in person. Stuff like that is extremely annoying and it just kills the vibe.
Don’t feel like you have to be chill all the time to keep him happy with you. This to me is not okay. You gotta set standards for interactions.
Hey girl! I wanted to ask if you think you should ask your mehr upfront or let him pay some now and pay the rest when he has it?
You have to read the room. If they have the ability to give it to you upfront, then ask. If you see that they are struggling with the wedding cost etc, just say, you are okay with getting it after you guys get married. Have a conversation, provide good suggestions like giving it instalments etc.
Hey babe, my neighbour got married to a man who just wasn’t up to her standards, like he drinks and is so horrible to mum and his family and literally is so broke as well yet she still married him even though she’s literally a top top top girl. I was just wondering what’s the psychologically behind that and because a lot of girls do that and I honestly don’t want to be one of them.
Women must settle for the shit dynamic and lives that devalue self worth and agency because that’s what people teach them. The second you express your want for more, a good quality of life, they will shame you till kingdom come. And it’s not just men who shame you, its women too. Women who are unhappy themselves, will still encourage you to be married to these type of men. Why? Because they think being miserable is the standard for living. It is normal to be unhappy and that’s ‘just how it is’. But it’s not.
Also I don’t think Women advise each other enough. Especially the older community. They are more concerned with you finding a partner than actually stressing the importance of finding a good one. Someone with no balwads (addictions), someone who is good to their family etc, a good person overall. But no. None of that is important. You just need to find a man. Wallahi it is the most terrible advice you could give to women. I realise I often sound like I hate men, I actually don’t. I just hate the situations men put women in. When you think about it, how many girls who are now single mothers, divorcees (not that that means anything), would be better off had they been left alone and remained in their parent’s home? How many? These men take these women from the safety of their homes with no intention to give them better lives. They cause disruption and chaos, and most times, even after divorce, the ex wife is still struggling whilst her ex husband has since moved on.
I also think women need to start being accountable over their own lives. I have realised, when you ask people for help, most times- they don’t really want to help you. And the advice they give you has no urgency. It’s watered down, because they are not actually telling you what they would do if they were in your situation. So you have to start being accountable over your own life.
Sometimes this might be a bad thing, but I typically have quite a fatalist view on life. I realised this is a trauma response to things from my childhood, but if I am being totally honest, this is what makes me so responsible. My whole life I have been hyper responsible. I have never been nonchalant or thrown caution to the wind and just did whatever I wanted to do at that very moment. Everything I do, I have my future Lula in mind. Every decision is imperative and it contributes to what kind of quality of life I will have when I am older. And it has 100% contributed to any success I have ever had.
Women need to start being more accountable over their own lives. Be very cautious of the kind of men you are letting into your life. Because all it takes is one person to fuck up the trajectory of your life forever.
this may be a weird q but I know that if you are with a new man, telling him stories about how your ex did you wrong is a big no no buuuuttt would it be okay if i sort of ‘fabricated’ as in say that my ex got me these gifts and did all of this for me so that he delivers more😭😭😭
Yes and no haha. Be careful to not overdo it. Don’t make conversations about it, just say it in passing. I think that’s a good idea though. Because if any man has shame, he will want to set the bar so high, you won’t mention what an ex did ever again.
I feel like i’ve spoken to so many guys and none of them are anywhere near the standard of man I need (no ambition, lack emotional intelligence, bad character/morals etc). I’m 24 and starting to lose hope. Any advice?
Stop putting too much pressure on yourself to find somebody, otherwise men will just continue to disappoint you. They will all fail to meet your expectations.
Start off with defining what kind of man you want, and what circle they’d typically be in. There’s no point looking at a bad batch thinking one of them is gonna turn out good. So your better off scraping them all together, and actually go out into the places where your desired man would be in. Also, start looking within. If you want to attract a certain type of man, what could you possibly do to make them come to you?
Also 24 is really young, maybe the man you are waiting for is going to come at a certain period in your life where you are much older. And I always say, the older you are, the better calibre of men you are exposed to. Imagine the type of men at your disposal when you’re 28 and you have your own life together?
I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable in marriage because of sexual guilt from my previous relationships. I want to fall in love and have a princess ending however the fact I gave myself away to men I didn’t even love still haunts me. I have been celibate for 2 years and I pray to Allah to repent every day. I know Allah will forgive me but I don’t know if a man would.
Allah swt conceals your sins, and has given you the blessing of being able to conceal your sins yourself. You are actually advised not to tell anyone, anything. Exposing your sins, is sinful in itself. Why are you more concerned if a mere man is going to forgive you, when Allah swt is more merciful?
You also have to remember that Shaydaan is your biggest enemy and that he does all the little things to make you worry, regret, and just be in a state of constant anxiety all the time, instead getting yourself back on the right path. No man is ever going to find out about your sexual history unless you tell him. If you think he will notice, he won’t.
Don’t overthink too much about your past. Learn from it all and keep pushing forward.