‘She wasn’t the other woman I was’
Hi Ladan and Lula. More than a Divorcee inspired me and made me want to share a this part of my life that not many people know about. I have been trying to move from it since but the hush-hush of it all has not allowed me to. I want to just vent without it being held against me and you girls have given me the best platform to do it. I don’t want to hold it in anymore.
Thank you sisters May Allah SWT bring more khayr into you girls life and shower you with success. i don’t know you girls but im so proud of how brave you are. Many of us having been waiting for someone like you girls to give us this place to speak our truth. I know right now some girls don’t think they need this but many of us girls who are older do. Jazakallah khair lula and ladan
So here it is. I’ve been divorced for a few years and it’s been turbulent to say the least. Myself and my ex were married for 4 years. The first half was probably the best years of my life and the second was my worst.
How me and my ex Husband first got together is a long story but bare with me. After many years later and a few therapy sessions did I realise I was the second choice. It’s taken me a few months in counselling to recognise this and accept it for what it is. Likewise that I also played a part of this experience and I’m also at fault.
We need to go back 6-7 years ago. I had a best friend who I was completely in love with and no one knew. I think it will be easier if we just call him Ahmed. Me and Ahmed were family friends and he was a few years older than me but he was one of those boys that hung around younger guys at football, so everyone in the friendship group was around a similar age. All I can remember is from when I started to grow up I had feelings towards him. But I was too young for him to check me out. He saw me as the little sister he’d go to for advice about girls as we all hung out in the same place but I just waited for him to see me more than someone who was younger than him.
Ahmed was seeing a girl secretly called Mariam that he had worked with. No one made it public who they were speaking to it was all hush hush. She was very different to what I expected his type to be because Ahmed said he wanted a specific type of woman. Mariam wasn’t exactly modest and used to show baby hairs and Ahmed said he wanted someone who was modest. I was innocent at that age and thought guys were honest about their types. So when I saw Mariam I was taken aback. Even though I didn’t really like her then, seeing her brought on feelings that I’m abit embarrassed to admit. Nothing was wrong with her. Really it would have been easier if astaghfirullah, she was a bitch. In my mind it could’ve help to justify my feelings towards her. But she was kind and friendly and never had anything bad to say about me. She was older than me. I used to speak so ill of her and it was unprovoked. I have repented heavily for this and I know Gheebah (back biting) is haram and I should never talk about another muslim in their absence. She never said anything unkind to me but I said those things anyway. Only because I was jealous that her and Ahmed had been together. I was wrong.
I was going down a dangerous path and my infacuation for Ahmed made me into someone I didn’t even recognise. Her and Ahmed had become unstable for some time and I instead befriended her and planted seeds of doubt in her ear. I used to say stuff like “I Know ahmed he is probably talking to someone else.”
I’m ashamed to admit yes I did cross boundaries for my benefit but I was so young, I didnt know any better. This became too much for her because a lot of people in the friendship group started to get involved in their relationship. When the relationship started to get publiv, Mariam decided to part ways with Ahmed.
I was so happy. I wanted to get this girl away from us and she did. I knew I didn’t want to start something when Ahmed was fresh out of a relationship so I decided to wait the long game.
We continued to be close up until my last year of uni and he was well established into his career and looking for marriage. Ahmed wasn’t the type to meet girls on his own but rather meet them through opportunity. His family were M’A extremely religious and I heard they were asking families for the daughters. However any girl that he suggested to me I would again plant the seeds of doubt in his ear and I would get in between it. I’d continue to do this until he saw me as his one true match.
After I’d discouraged any girl he suggested, eventually he only saw me and we began talking. He was abit unsure in the beginning if he wanted to move forward with me but I was persistent. Naturally Ahmed was this awkward guy and didn’t have much experience but a girl knew what she wanted. I knew he’d never had a physical relationship with a woman before, so I used this as a way of getting closer to him. I was so desperate for him and shaydan was in my ear.
The relationship became far from halal and we knew we should probably get married. Even though we didn’t commit zina, we deffo crossed a few boundaries. He asked for my hand and his family were happy. When we were engaged sometimes Mariam was brought up as banter in the conversations where we were getting to know eachother. He kept sharing stories of her and me being stupid I thought it was because we were both laughing at her. I realise now he was doing this because he just couldn’t rid this woman from his mind.
We had our wedding and everything was good. Whilst we were married, he brought up Mariam a few times whenever he heard about her through his boys. I still didn’t see the obsession yet until later. We both agreed during our 2 years of marriage we would not have a baby, but I got pregnant and miscarried. It was very hard for me to move on and get over this hardship. Ahmed also didn’t know how to comfort me and often ignored me. We weren’t speaking Ahmed was being very distant with me and always went on his phone. As he was praying I saw his searches and he had been looking at Mariam’s insta profile. I didn’t bring this up to him but when I saw her name I wanted to scream. For so long I wanted to rid this girl from his mind and yet he was still wondering about her. I didn’t want to scream at him because that would have also pushed him away but it continued. So I kept it to myself
I thought after we had heard Mariam was set to be married that it would stop but it kept on going. I became extra paranoid and searched through his phone and laptop whenever I had the chance. One day I noticed emails of him sending her messages reminding Mariam of how much he loved her. How he hated being married and that she was the one for him. I finally broke down and confronted him about the messages. He said how he was stupid and that he would never do it again. I said okay. I’m ashamed to admit I made excuses for him and just wanted the situation to be done. I was grieving since my miscarriage and all I wanted was my Husband back. We were fine for awhile but it didn’t last long at all
When Mariam called off her wedding, Ahmed truly showed his colours to me. He denied me of companionship. There was no sex, anything and everything. He didn’t even want to share the same bed as me. He would make excuses like he fell asleep on the couch. He stopped kissing me. I knew he didn’t want to be with me and that he just wanted me to say it. So I did thinking that would scare him. When I asked for a divorce it was like I did the work for him. he said it three times and that was the last time I saw him
I stayed in the home we lived in for the months after still believing he would get back to me, but he didn’t. He cut all contact with me and changed his number. After the end of our tenancy, I realised Ahmed had no intentions of renewing the lease, so I moved back home. Two months later I tried to contact his Mother but she blocked my phone number. I know now they were trying to get rid of me as much as they could. But I still couldn’t see it, I was fighting for my Husband. I forced my Dad to go to his house to speak to Ahmeds father to talk sense into him I was desperate. That night I will never forget my Father breaking the news to me and said Ahmed was done with me and that this separation was permanent. My heart was broken beyond words could describe. This boy I had wanted since I was 16 years old and when I finally got him, he was gone. It was my lowest point
A year passed by and I still grieved for the loss of my ex husband. I thought he would come back to me as do all things that are meant for you. It took me a long time before I realised that we were divorced and not separated.
18 months onwards from the divorce, him and Mariam got married and I found out on an Instagram bridal page. That day I wanted to end it all. I had come back from home to messages of my friends sending me links to the story showing the wedding. I cry whilst typing this. That moment hurt me sooooo much. All i could see was this other woman had stolen everything dear to me and I cursed her for it. I kept cursing her wishing ill on her and Ahmed. I bawled every day I couldn’t stop thinking about them especially at night. When I was in bed, it made me sick to my stomach thinking about them lying together being husband and wife. Sharing moments that I used to share with him. I was broken
That is my story and two years after he got remarried and I know now I am closer to the recovery stage than ever. For a while Shaydan had taken over my heart and filled it with bitterness and hatred towards him and Mariam. It took me two years of therapy to learn to love myself again and realise now that Mariam was not the other woman, and that it was me. I was the one who hindered their relationship. Me trying to take him from her just made him more drawn to Mariam. I spent our whole marriage turning my eye to him reminiscing of his old life with Mariam and ignored the signs painting it off as banter. What pains me still to this day now is that people speak of them as though they were meant to be and that his ex wife, me, is the one that brought them two together.
This was weighing on me for a long time and I just wanted to be honest for once without having to lie about what happened. You can judge me all but i was a young girl lost in what I know now to be infatuation. My lesson today is to never get involved and stop something meant for someone else because in due time it will be taken from you. Now I spend my life watching from the sidelines whilst Ahmed spends his life with someone else.
I ask kindly for you girls to make dua for me and that I’A the Husband that was written for me finds me.