it normal that sometimes my husband is so into work mode that when he comes home he just says hi and that’s it and will just be working on his laptop till late , and the whole night will go by and barely say 2 words to me? he always gives me a kiss and a hug when he gets back form work but it’s not always enthusiastic it sometimes feels like it’s whatever idk if work just drains him or he just doesn’t like me because it’s been like this for a while no matter what I do , communicate, shout , scream , tell him kindly he doesn’t seems to get it like I just want to feel loved by him and that’s not to say he’s not a good husband , he’s so kind and will do whatever I ask of him in every aspect and is such a hands on father alhamdulilah but when it comes to just feeling loved I don’t feel it , you can do all these things but I don’t feel that emotional connection from him and it’s sad but I’m so over it now idk what to do. We have our moments where we’re joking and laughing and have good times but I just wanna come home and feel like I’m with my best friend not just my husband it’s really sad.
Sometimes it feels like he’s not enthusiastic when he sees me and it makes me sad and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even care anymore cos I’m tired of making it known like hello what is your problem or say are you okay and he’s like yh I’m fine and I’ve tried being nice and cute but sometimes it would be nice for him to be excited to see me. it’s really bothering me because why do I have to ignore you for you notice me ? I’m not your roommate I’m your wife ?
I’ve noticed it’s become a pattern now. Like now he’s sitting with his AirPods in and doing work and he’s barely said anything to me? Like who even does that it’s so odd and it’s so hurtful because I know if I ignore him I’m suddenly got an attitude or I’m being a downer I’ve tried explaining multiple times but I’ve had enough and now I just ignore him when he does this
Having a partner who was a workaholic, I’ve learned a thing or two that might help. At first, I didn’t realize that expecting a person who’s stretched thin providing for their family to immediately switch to addressing my needs was a bit selfish. They’re already maxed out, and here I was, asking for more without giving them a break.
My aunt Nimo pointed out this blind spot during my first year of marriage. It hit home. Instead of complaining when my husband was exhausted, I started to get his office in order, have a warm meal waiting, and then just let him be. And usually, he actually ends up trying to spend time with me even more. And I think that’s because when you make someone feel safe and allow them to rest, they run to you when they’re tired as opposed to running away.
If time spent together is what you want, plan a date night once every two weeks that’s just about you for a few hours. But I actually think the most important thing to do is always welcoming him with a smile. No matter you had a fight or anything do not stretch it, welcome him with a broad joyful smile. Do not start complaining about anything right after he comes home. If you’ve had a shit day at work, trust me you do not then want to come home to shit. I would also say do not trigger any topic that can lead to argument. If it is important tell him politely and ask him when you can discuss about your needs at a later date, but when someone’s tired – let them rest.
Your husband may not even realise the extent of how his actions, or lack thereof, are affecting you. It’s good that you’ve tried to communicate about it – that’s key. But it sounds like the message isn’t getting through, or maybe it’s not being conveyed at a time when he can truly hear it. It’s clear you’re looking for that best friend connection with your husband. Keep in mind that it’s okay to want that, and it’s okay to feel upset when the connection isn’t there. It’s also okay to take a step back if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes creating a bit of space allows the other person to recognize the distance and may encourage them to take steps to bridge the gap.
Anon
6 months ago
Girl I need helpp!
Im going on a first date with a guy who is a introvert soon, he seems nice so far. I’m a extrovert, bubbly -the date wouldn’t be a issue for me butt I know introverts can be very quite Lool nah I can’t be talking to myself on the date. How do I make it so I don’t come across as Intimidating and talk too much
When you’re going out with an introvert, remember they might not be quick to share their feelings. They’ll open up when they’re ready and feel a real connection with you. For a date, think cozy and low-ke like a quiet picnic, or dinner. Don’t fill the evening with small talk, actually have deep interesting conversations. I feel like introverts have little patience for pleasantries with predictable answers lol. Don’t bother trying to impress an introvert with shallow compliments or a long list of your accomplishments either because that is cringe. I feel like an introvert would value authenticity so i guess the more genuine you are, the more comfortable they will be with you 🙂
Anon
6 months ago
This guy, we’ve been planning engagement. So when I informed my abo and everyone else and we were to receive them. I texted him the dates and everything to tell his family. He said we are too late we delayed the proposal and we ain’t getting married. He wanted the proposal a week earlier and unfortunately I fell really ill which took my parents time. Now I’m devastated. Contacted his sister, who with time became friends and she was shocked cz she didn’t know that was happening. He shut me out completely and trust me I am stuck explaining to my parents and relatives what happened cz I truly wallah don’t have any information. I am confused and deverstated. Advice. Shukran jazilan
Oh Gosh. I’ll be so real babe this whole situation sounds like he wasn’t in it for the love. I mean, if he can’t even wait an extra week for something as big as a proposal, it really seems like he was more about ticking a box in his marriage plans than about marrying you for you. It’s like you could have been anyone, as long as it fit his timeline. And you falling ill? That’s a serious and valid reason for a delay. If he can’t understand that, it really makes you wonder if he ever intended to go through with the marriage at all. Maybe he’s just using this as an excuse to back out.
You deserve someone who values you, who understands that life happens and plans change, especially for serious reasons like health. This might be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s way better to see this side of him now rather than after you’ve tied the knot. Remember, it’s not just about getting married, it’s about marrying the right person for the right reasons. You’re worth more than just fitting into someone’s rigid plan.
Anon
6 months ago
What are your thoughts on a 10 year age gap? I’m 28 years old
A 10 year age gap isn’t weird: a 28 year old dating an 18 year old is. But imo, 28 married to someone who is 38 is pretty normal to me.
Anon
6 months ago
Hope you’re well sis in sha Allah.
Why do you think there aren’t that many good men left? Because there are so many of us (women) in our mid 20s struggling to find a good man, it’s quite sad really. I feel like there aren’t any actionable steps we can take other than make duaa or if you’re someone who stays in quite a lot, to go outside but alhamdullilah I’m extremely extroverted and social so it’s never be an issue. I do struggle meeting GOOD men though, are there are any other actionable steps I can take? As I’m getting older I’m realising that meeting a good man is luck boy. Also if I need to be more patient that’s also not an issue, I’ve been single my whole life I can wait a few more years. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and see if there are any actionable steps I should be taking that I’m not.
Streets are cold brrrrrr
What is a good man is all relative depending on how you define it. Is he someone who treats his family well or simply someone who pays every time you go on date? Is he someone who makes an honest living but is middle income and doesn’t have luxuries or someone who lives on his inheritance but does charity work? Are you defining good based on his morals, his behaviours, his character as a person or what he owns, and his job?
I know it’s better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. I think it’s really important to understand yourself and your values to find yourself a ‘good’ man.
I also do think people should decide if they are actually emotionally mature enough to find a good guy attractive. I say that because I can’t tell you how many times I have had my friends say to me, theres something missing with a good guy I’ve set them up with – when whole time he was just very nice! People are used to inconsistent, flaky men – that is literally all they’re used to. Good men will treat you the way you ask them to treat you. They’ll do what they say and they’ll talk to you before changing a plan you made together. They feel responsible for themselves and their family.
Bad men do whatever they want. When that happens to be what both of you want, you’ll have a lot of fun. When it isn’t, there’s little chance of compromise. A bad man doesn’t feel like dealing with an angry woman, so he probably won’t, at least not for long. But if he’s also jealous, he won’t want her to have any option but him, so he’ll make her afraid to leave. Or super co-dependent so that she will never leave on her own, no matter what he does. And that’s when you know she is truly down bad.
However, there’s more to attraction than good vs bad. There’s interesting vs. boring. There’s similar tastes (in movies, activities, etc.) vs wildly dissimilar pursuits. And there’s compatibility (political, social, future goals, etc.) vs incompatibility.
That is where you should be focusing. Be the best version of yourself and find someone who appreciates you that way.
Anon
6 months ago
I have been best friends with this girl for 15 years. We remained close throughout high school, college and university even though we didn’t go to the same college. However, she met her partner approx two years ago, but her family didn’t agree with her marrying them. Long story short she ended up going against their wishes and marrying him anyway. However, I feel that ever since she got with him our friendship hasn’t really been the same. She used to make more effort before she got with him, but now her whole life resolves around him which is understandable as he is her husband.. but feels frustrating when I supported her through everything. We do still talk, but it’s not the same as before and I am not sure whether I should say something about it or just leave her to it? The last time i mentioned that our friendship doesn’t feel the same we ended up not speaking for approx 2-3 months.
The distance in your friendship has nothing to do with the fact her family disagreed with her choice of husband. In no way should this justify ill feelings towards him, as parental concerns often stem from a lack of control over their child’s marital decisions. Rather, it’s important to understand that marriage naturally alters a person’s priorities. Your friend is now sharing her life closely with someone else, and it’s common for newlyweds to focus their attention predominantly on each other. While I concur that this can be an unhealthy pattern, it is also a habit that can take time to adjust.
Your friendship has reached a critical crossroads. The reality of this junction may not be good in the way it impacts your friendship. You say her “priorities have changed.” Only time will tell if your friendship is over and even if it starts back up will never be the same. Marriage changes everything. The time you girls had when you were younger, you will not have as an adult with a job and then a family. When she has children, you will spend even less time together. However, your paths might align again in the future when you start your family – and you’ll understand more with what she’s experiencing right now as opposed to not understanding at all.
I’m betting that because her family was against her relationship, that she and her husband are even MORE close. My advice, don’t push yourself on her. Don’t let her see you the way she see’s her family, people that are against her happiness. Touch base with her from time to time. Text or call to see how’s she doing. Maybe drop her a birthday card. But more importantly, give time and space to your friendship.
Anon
6 months ago
My husband a while back found out that I was in a relationship with someone in the past. It wasn’t long but I think I loved him since I grieved a lot after our breakup and I was really attracted to him and liked the attention he was giving me but he was a narcissist. Anyways when my husband asked before we were married if I had any past, I said no. I just didn’t want to talk about my past because it always messes me up for some reason and feel traumatic about it and go into low self esteem mode. So when the hubs found out he got really mad and hasn’t been talking to me. I overheard him say he wants divorce. I can’t tell him the full story of what happened with my ex either because of my trauma so idk what to do?
Mistakes are the best way to learn. It’s how we ALL learn. You’re asking the right questions and have a good team. Even experienced devs make mistakes, and that’s why code reviews exist. You’ll get there.
Just remember that what you’re feeling is totally normal, and it’s okay to feel that way. You’re human just like the rest of us.
Anon
6 months ago
I’ve recently started a new role as a software engineer. It’s my first role since college and I am experiencing extreme anxiety and imposter syndrome that I won’t be able to perform as expected. I don’t come from a technical background so that’s where the anxiety stems from. Any advice on how I can overcome this?
Mistakes are the best way to learn. It’s how we ALL learn. You’re asking the right questions and have a good team. Even experienced devs make mistakes, and that’s why code reviews exist. You’ll get there. I’d even ask your senior for some advice since you’ve got such a good working relationship with him.
Just remember that what you’re feeling is totally normal, and it’s okay to feel that way. You’re human just like the rest of us.
Anon
6 months ago
I am hoping to get married next year In Sha Allah and things have been going well with my partner so far. However, most recently i have been feeling like he does not make as much effort with me in relation to planning for the wedding or anything to do with us. He is quick to do things for everyone else, but does not really prioritise our relationship. We have been arguing a lot more and I am not sure what’s going on for him. It just makes me want to give up, but we do have a lot of good going on for us too. I’m just wondering whether I am stupid to be feeling down about this?
It’s time to stop and talk about this. Sit down together and decide who’s going to plan what and when. It can be helpful to have a designated wedding time each week so it’s not all wedding talk all the time.
With that said though this not a wedding planning problem, this is a relationship problem. Your partner is not willing to pull his weight and is using the weaponized incompetence card to make you do all the work. Why put up with this sort of behaviour? It’s one thing to feel burned out by wedding talk and need to designate a time of the week to devote to it, but it sounds like there’s a glaring lack of respect and communication here, and that’s kind of critical in a healthy relationship.
it normal that sometimes my husband is so into work mode that when he comes home he just says hi and that’s it and will just be working on his laptop till late , and the whole night will go by and barely say 2 words to me? he always gives me a kiss and a hug when he gets back form work but it’s not always enthusiastic it sometimes feels like it’s whatever idk if work just drains him or he just doesn’t like me because it’s been like this for a while no matter what I do , communicate, shout , scream , tell him kindly he doesn’t seems to get it like I just want to feel loved by him and that’s not to say he’s not a good husband , he’s so kind and will do whatever I ask of him in every aspect and is such a hands on father alhamdulilah but when it comes to just feeling loved I don’t feel it , you can do all these things but I don’t feel that emotional connection from him and it’s sad but I’m so over it now idk what to do. We have our moments where we’re joking and laughing and have good times but I just wanna come home and feel like I’m with my best friend not just my husband it’s really sad.
Sometimes it feels like he’s not enthusiastic when he sees me and it makes me sad and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even care anymore cos I’m tired of making it known like hello what is your problem or say are you okay and he’s like yh I’m fine and I’ve tried being nice and cute but sometimes it would be nice for him to be excited to see me. it’s really bothering me because why do I have to ignore you for you notice me ? I’m not your roommate I’m your wife ?
I’ve noticed it’s become a pattern now. Like now he’s sitting with his AirPods in and doing work and he’s barely said anything to me? Like who even does that it’s so odd and it’s so hurtful because I know if I ignore him I’m suddenly got an attitude or I’m being a downer I’ve tried explaining multiple times but I’ve had enough and now I just ignore him when he does this
Having a partner who was a workaholic, I’ve learned a thing or two that might help. At first, I didn’t realize that expecting a person who’s stretched thin providing for their family to immediately switch to addressing my needs was a bit selfish. They’re already maxed out, and here I was, asking for more without giving them a break.
My aunt Nimo pointed out this blind spot during my first year of marriage. It hit home. Instead of complaining when my husband was exhausted, I started to get his office in order, have a warm meal waiting, and then just let him be. And usually, he actually ends up trying to spend time with me even more. And I think that’s because when you make someone feel safe and allow them to rest, they run to you when they’re tired as opposed to running away.
If time spent together is what you want, plan a date night once every two weeks that’s just about you for a few hours. But I actually think the most important thing to do is always welcoming him with a smile. No matter you had a fight or anything do not stretch it, welcome him with a broad joyful smile. Do not start complaining about anything right after he comes home. If you’ve had a shit day at work, trust me you do not then want to come home to shit. I would also say do not trigger any topic that can lead to argument. If it is important tell him politely and ask him when you can discuss about your needs at a later date, but when someone’s tired – let them rest.
Your husband may not even realise the extent of how his actions, or lack thereof, are affecting you. It’s good that you’ve tried to communicate about it – that’s key. But it sounds like the message isn’t getting through, or maybe it’s not being conveyed at a time when he can truly hear it. It’s clear you’re looking for that best friend connection with your husband. Keep in mind that it’s okay to want that, and it’s okay to feel upset when the connection isn’t there. It’s also okay to take a step back if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes creating a bit of space allows the other person to recognize the distance and may encourage them to take steps to bridge the gap.
Girl I need helpp!
Im going on a first date with a guy who is a introvert soon, he seems nice so far. I’m a extrovert, bubbly -the date wouldn’t be a issue for me butt I know introverts can be very quite Lool nah I can’t be talking to myself on the date. How do I make it so I don’t come across as Intimidating and talk too much
Many thanks sis xx
When you’re going out with an introvert, remember they might not be quick to share their feelings. They’ll open up when they’re ready and feel a real connection with you. For a date, think cozy and low-ke like a quiet picnic, or dinner. Don’t fill the evening with small talk, actually have deep interesting conversations. I feel like introverts have little patience for pleasantries with predictable answers lol. Don’t bother trying to impress an introvert with shallow compliments or a long list of your accomplishments either because that is cringe. I feel like an introvert would value authenticity so i guess the more genuine you are, the more comfortable they will be with you 🙂
This guy, we’ve been planning engagement. So when I informed my abo and everyone else and we were to receive them. I texted him the dates and everything to tell his family. He said we are too late we delayed the proposal and we ain’t getting married. He wanted the proposal a week earlier and unfortunately I fell really ill which took my parents time. Now I’m devastated. Contacted his sister, who with time became friends and she was shocked cz she didn’t know that was happening. He shut me out completely and trust me I am stuck explaining to my parents and relatives what happened cz I truly wallah don’t have any information. I am confused and deverstated. Advice. Shukran jazilan
Oh Gosh. I’ll be so real babe this whole situation sounds like he wasn’t in it for the love. I mean, if he can’t even wait an extra week for something as big as a proposal, it really seems like he was more about ticking a box in his marriage plans than about marrying you for you. It’s like you could have been anyone, as long as it fit his timeline. And you falling ill? That’s a serious and valid reason for a delay. If he can’t understand that, it really makes you wonder if he ever intended to go through with the marriage at all. Maybe he’s just using this as an excuse to back out.
You deserve someone who values you, who understands that life happens and plans change, especially for serious reasons like health. This might be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s way better to see this side of him now rather than after you’ve tied the knot. Remember, it’s not just about getting married, it’s about marrying the right person for the right reasons. You’re worth more than just fitting into someone’s rigid plan.
What are your thoughts on a 10 year age gap? I’m 28 years old
A 10 year age gap isn’t weird: a 28 year old dating an 18 year old is. But imo, 28 married to someone who is 38 is pretty normal to me.
Hope you’re well sis in sha Allah.
Why do you think there aren’t that many good men left? Because there are so many of us (women) in our mid 20s struggling to find a good man, it’s quite sad really. I feel like there aren’t any actionable steps we can take other than make duaa or if you’re someone who stays in quite a lot, to go outside but alhamdullilah I’m extremely extroverted and social so it’s never be an issue. I do struggle meeting GOOD men though, are there are any other actionable steps I can take? As I’m getting older I’m realising that meeting a good man is luck boy. Also if I need to be more patient that’s also not an issue, I’ve been single my whole life I can wait a few more years. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and see if there are any actionable steps I should be taking that I’m not.
Streets are cold brrrrrr
What is a good man is all relative depending on how you define it. Is he someone who treats his family well or simply someone who pays every time you go on date? Is he someone who makes an honest living but is middle income and doesn’t have luxuries or someone who lives on his inheritance but does charity work? Are you defining good based on his morals, his behaviours, his character as a person or what he owns, and his job?
I know it’s better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. I think it’s really important to understand yourself and your values to find yourself a ‘good’ man.
I also do think people should decide if they are actually emotionally mature enough to find a good guy attractive. I say that because I can’t tell you how many times I have had my friends say to me, theres something missing with a good guy I’ve set them up with – when whole time he was just very nice! People are used to inconsistent, flaky men – that is literally all they’re used to. Good men will treat you the way you ask them to treat you. They’ll do what they say and they’ll talk to you before changing a plan you made together. They feel responsible for themselves and their family.
Bad men do whatever they want. When that happens to be what both of you want, you’ll have a lot of fun. When it isn’t, there’s little chance of compromise. A bad man doesn’t feel like dealing with an angry woman, so he probably won’t, at least not for long. But if he’s also jealous, he won’t want her to have any option but him, so he’ll make her afraid to leave. Or super co-dependent so that she will never leave on her own, no matter what he does. And that’s when you know she is truly down bad.
However, there’s more to attraction than good vs bad. There’s interesting vs. boring. There’s similar tastes (in movies, activities, etc.) vs wildly dissimilar pursuits. And there’s compatibility (political, social, future goals, etc.) vs incompatibility.
That is where you should be focusing. Be the best version of yourself and find someone who appreciates you that way.
I have been best friends with this girl for 15 years. We remained close throughout high school, college and university even though we didn’t go to the same college. However, she met her partner approx two years ago, but her family didn’t agree with her marrying them. Long story short she ended up going against their wishes and marrying him anyway. However, I feel that ever since she got with him our friendship hasn’t really been the same. She used to make more effort before she got with him, but now her whole life resolves around him which is understandable as he is her husband.. but feels frustrating when I supported her through everything. We do still talk, but it’s not the same as before and I am not sure whether I should say something about it or just leave her to it? The last time i mentioned that our friendship doesn’t feel the same we ended up not speaking for approx 2-3 months.
The distance in your friendship has nothing to do with the fact her family disagreed with her choice of husband. In no way should this justify ill feelings towards him, as parental concerns often stem from a lack of control over their child’s marital decisions. Rather, it’s important to understand that marriage naturally alters a person’s priorities. Your friend is now sharing her life closely with someone else, and it’s common for newlyweds to focus their attention predominantly on each other. While I concur that this can be an unhealthy pattern, it is also a habit that can take time to adjust.
Your friendship has reached a critical crossroads. The reality of this junction may not be good in the way it impacts your friendship. You say her “priorities have changed.” Only time will tell if your friendship is over and even if it starts back up will never be the same. Marriage changes everything. The time you girls had when you were younger, you will not have as an adult with a job and then a family. When she has children, you will spend even less time together. However, your paths might align again in the future when you start your family – and you’ll understand more with what she’s experiencing right now as opposed to not understanding at all.
I’m betting that because her family was against her relationship, that she and her husband are even MORE close. My advice, don’t push yourself on her. Don’t let her see you the way she see’s her family, people that are against her happiness. Touch base with her from time to time. Text or call to see how’s she doing. Maybe drop her a birthday card. But more importantly, give time and space to your friendship.
My husband a while back found out that I was in a relationship with someone in the past. It wasn’t long but I think I loved him since I grieved a lot after our breakup and I was really attracted to him and liked the attention he was giving me but he was a narcissist. Anyways when my husband asked before we were married if I had any past, I said no. I just didn’t want to talk about my past because it always messes me up for some reason and feel traumatic about it and go into low self esteem mode. So when the hubs found out he got really mad and hasn’t been talking to me. I overheard him say he wants divorce. I can’t tell him the full story of what happened with my ex either because of my trauma so idk what to do?
Girl you are speaking to the choir!!
Mistakes are the best way to learn. It’s how we ALL learn. You’re asking the right questions and have a good team. Even experienced devs make mistakes, and that’s why code reviews exist. You’ll get there.
Just remember that what you’re feeling is totally normal, and it’s okay to feel that way. You’re human just like the rest of us.
I’ve recently started a new role as a software engineer. It’s my first role since college and I am experiencing extreme anxiety and imposter syndrome that I won’t be able to perform as expected. I don’t come from a technical background so that’s where the anxiety stems from. Any advice on how I can overcome this?
This was literally me a few years ago!
Mistakes are the best way to learn. It’s how we ALL learn. You’re asking the right questions and have a good team. Even experienced devs make mistakes, and that’s why code reviews exist. You’ll get there. I’d even ask your senior for some advice since you’ve got such a good working relationship with him.
Just remember that what you’re feeling is totally normal, and it’s okay to feel that way. You’re human just like the rest of us.
I am hoping to get married next year In Sha Allah and things have been going well with my partner so far. However, most recently i have been feeling like he does not make as much effort with me in relation to planning for the wedding or anything to do with us. He is quick to do things for everyone else, but does not really prioritise our relationship. We have been arguing a lot more and I am not sure what’s going on for him. It just makes me want to give up, but we do have a lot of good going on for us too. I’m just wondering whether I am stupid to be feeling down about this?
It’s time to stop and talk about this. Sit down together and decide who’s going to plan what and when. It can be helpful to have a designated wedding time each week so it’s not all wedding talk all the time.
With that said though this not a wedding planning problem, this is a relationship problem. Your partner is not willing to pull his weight and is using the weaponized incompetence card to make you do all the work. Why put up with this sort of behaviour? It’s one thing to feel burned out by wedding talk and need to designate a time of the week to devote to it, but it sounds like there’s a glaring lack of respect and communication here, and that’s kind of critical in a healthy relationship.