How my Dad could that to me was so hurtful it forced me to see what I was brushing under the carpet. The way I lived meant that my bar was so low i had no expectations for a Husband. The men I went for never gave me a relationship I dreamt of but I still went for them anyway. And worst part is, no matter how undeserving they were, I kept bestowing them of the highest honour which was me, my body and me as a wife.
I know this is a tiring topic and this goes without saying but pick wisely who you have children with. I wish I could go back into time and stop myself from thinking otherwise. I was so naïve and stupid. The only thing I ever wanted was to just be in a relationship. I wanted it so badly. Acknowledging this now as a grown woman with a son, I don’t blame myself for having those feelings. Romance and relationships are practically thrown in our faces everyday you can’t escape it if you wanted to. Everyday on Tiktok and Instagram a new muslim couple is getting married. So seeing this as a girl or other young girls reading this it’s plausible to want those things we see. But I never imagined this could’ve affected my own relationship with my Dad
I started dating my first husband when I was 17, he had just turnt 19 at the time. As far as I can remember he didn’t have 1 qualification to his name. He was expelled from secondary school in year 10 and at 18 he tried to go back into college but was kicked out too. He had nothing but he knew how to shower me with love at the beginning. He used to say cute stuff like I was his queen and I was the only girl for him. Lets just say he loveboomed me into being his ride or die.
After one year of being together and once I enrolled in Uni I asked my Dad straight away if he could give his blessing for us to get married. My dad was super protective over me as I was the youngest and only daughter he had. He immediately said no and that I should finish university first before thinking about marriage. His reasons were fair and I couldn’t argue with him. He worked hard for his kids and he didn’t want me to get pregnant or drop out of uni. He wanted us to build something for ourselves before we thought about all of that. As a parent now looking at all the sacrifices I do for my son I understand. You don’t realise your parents were right all along until you have children of your own.
So me and him continued our relationship but I noticed once he had me, he stopped giving me attention. Our relationship was soooo diabolical. He only gave me attention when he wanted stuff from me and I was dumb enough to give that to him. When I look back at it, every encounter involved some type of coercion from his side. He would forever beg me to give him something.
It was one of those relationships that had the potential to quickly devolve into a sexually abusive one because it started off already on the fringes. He kept asking me to have sex early on despite me wanting to remain a virgin until marriage. And whenever I kept saying no he’d leave it and then make me feel weird about it later on telling me what all his other boys were doing. It kind of made me feel left behind and I stupidly wanted to be the example of a perfect wifey. So we were intimate, I realised straight away we had different level of intimacy. It didn’t feel like a two way street and that’s why I didn’t enjoy it as much as he did and that created a lot of conflict. When I think about it it’s was way more than our mismatched libidos, the issue was his relentless objectification of my body and how that became the centre of our relationship.
He never took me out on dates and spent his money on weed. His communication was dead the only time he facetimed me was when he wanted to disrespect me as a Muslimah and my body. I ignored his lifestyle because I was so desperate to be someone’s Mrs that I wanted to be that for him
We were on and off for 2 years in which I became pregnant. We had to marry immediately and because of his circumstances, my family had to pay for everything. My Dad was so disappointed in me he could barely look me in the eye. Worse my ex husband couldn’t even give me a proper wedding without any mehr. A sister on here who posted a dilemma described my situation word for word bar for bar. We couldn’t afford to live anywhere else so we lived with my parents. He had no respect for me or my family. He never worked so he would spend his days always smoking his weed out the window ALL WHILST I WAS PREGNANT. He didn’t care about second hand smoke and if it would affect our baby. The whole pregnancy was traumatic because he never supported me.
When I broke my water he was getting high with his friends and he kept lying to me and my family every time we tried to call him. He obviously didn’t want to turn up to the hospital high. He was forced to once he realised I was having an emergency c-section. When he turned up he stank of weed and his eyes were bloodshot red. My dad wanted to fight him in the ward. I felt so humiliated but I kept making justifications for his behaviour when it came to him you couldn’t tell me anything.
In short summary, because its not even about him but his lifestyle took over his life and we had to get a divorce. My dad sat me down and had a real conversation with me and made me promise I would never get married to a man like him again. My Dad reassured me and said he would help me raise my son until I had someone in my life who could me. But my need for romantic love meant I would keep breaking those promises to my dad again and again. I was single for less than 5 months before I started to speak to someone new. And he was exactly the same person as my ex husband. No job and was a smoker. When we started dating, he would get so jealous whenever I had to look after my son he would take it personally.
I pride myself on always making sure I’m a good mother to my son, I do things with him constantly. This new man though was a narcissist and could only survive if he had all my attention. I was so naive and trying so desperately that I kept asking him to marry me. 6 months after we first started talking and he asked my Dad only because I refused to repeat zina this time around. I spent months repenting, being on time for my salah and making constant dua that my creator would forgive me. The only reason he asked for my hand is because he wanted to speed up sleeping with me. He practically showed up with nothing when he came to my parents. No gifts no money nada not even perfume. My dad respectively told him to come back when he wants to ask for my hand the correct way and sent him away. I was really upset with him but my Dad refused to talk to me.
When I spoke to the narc, he was fuming. Bar for bar he said who does my dad think he is, he should be grateful I’m even asking for his daughters hand because I was used goods. He was so angry he didn’t even see my reaction. Seeing him so angry that he didn’t realise that he was revealing what he felt about me was God’s sign that this wasn’t going to work out.
I stayed single for a while when I met a third man, and he was a combination of both my exes. Broke and narcissistic. He was a well known drug dealer in the area and had also been divorced and he had a son of his own. He swooned me with all his flashy things and at this point in my life I was becoming extremely frustrated not being married. When I saw him having ample amounts of money I imagined him being the provider I wanted. My son at this point was just starting nursery and I wanted to give him a sibling too so in my head this all made sense to me to get married. I had all these time stamps on my life and it kept compelling me to make horrible choices that were affecting my life. As someone that suffers from anxiety, I’m always searching for someone to make me feel protected but I ended up finding and doing the opposite.
When I told my Dad about this new guy, straight away my Dad knew who he was and so did my brothers. My Dad is mostly a cool and calm collected man but he was so angry at me and he gave me the harshest reality check.
He said my desperation for a man has made me lose sense and that I’m eager to end up with an animal if that meant I wouldn’t be by myself. I keep betraying my son when I go out to seek those men and to leave if this was what I wanted to do.
The room was so silent you could’ve heard a pin drop. I wanted to cry but it was what I needed to hear. The way my Dad said that to me was so hurtful that it forced me to see what I was brushing under the carpet. The way I lived meant that my bar was so low
I had no expectations for a Husband. The men I went for never gave me a relationship I dreamt of but I still went for them anyway. And worst part is, no matter how undeserving they were, I kept bestowing them of the highest honour which was me, my body and me as a wife.
Today I’ve been single for the last 3 years, in that time I finished uni and went on to complete my masters. Alhamdulilah I have a job and I am able to look my son independently. Being alone has taught me so much but surprisingly it’s taught me how much I love my own space and how I am never going to give it up so carelessly again. Being alone is not only enjoyable it’s necessary. It let me relax and do whatever I wanted. It needs to be balanced obviously but that’s what my family is for. They are my healthy dose of interaction so I wouldn’t go back to square one again
There’s no shame in wanting love because everyone does want to be loved and to be liked by others. I’m trying to be less unforgiving with myself espec with the choices I made as a young girl. I nearly ruined my relationship with my amazing father for people that didn’t respect me. I owe my Dad everything he worked his life away just to get me where I am today. When I was a kid I thought he said “no” to me too many times & didn’t trust me but as I grew older I realised he spent his entire life protecting me from the dangers of this world. Any man that tries to enter my life has to match up to him otherwise all his sacrifices for me would have been for nothing.